A Long Pause.....

Sorry I haven't posted in a long time.

It has been a long summer. And now it is fall. Like, today, officially.

Sometimes when in conversation, one may encounter a long pause.
This pause is usually uncomfortable. There is rarely a time when it is a comfortable pause, it usually leads me to think "what should I say?". It is very confusing.

I'm already bad at "small talk" anyway. I don't know what to say, or ask. I usually avoid asking a lot of things because I don't want to come across rude or nosy. There is this subconscious feeling that asking questions is rude or nosy, and I'm not sure where that comes from. Why can't I just ask a question without feeling this way? I mean, people ask ME questions and I don't feel they are rude or nosy. Why would I feel so strongly that they think that about me? I don't know. I guess I would rather people just tell me things instead of lead me through a long list of "I'm waiting for you to ask me a question to give you more information". My husband is even guilty of this one. Sometimes he will start telling me something, and leave a long pause, as if waiting for me to ask. Well, if you know I'm going to have to ask, why don't you just finish what you're telling me and not wait for me to ask? Why do I have to ask to get further information? 

Anyway, if you're reading this and you're a friend, just tell me things. Don't wait for me to ask. Because I'm likely wanting to ask, but don't want to feel rude. It's all so confusing. Any other aspies feel this way?

Holidays

I haven't posted in a long time again. I don't think I have been able to think of something new to say. It's been "the season" - and I've been feeling sick and very tired.

I have a very low tolerance to stomach upset. This is frustrating because for someone with Aspergers, depression, and generalized anxiety, stomach upsets happen frequently, especially with the anxiety. I will tell you, during these times, its pretty difficult to do anything. I feel completely disabled.

I recently read an article talking about the gut and the brain, and how they are connected. I wish I had saved the link. But anyway, the point of it is that if your stomach and gut is imbalanced, your brain is going to be off, and to flip that is also true. If your head is out of whack, your stomach and gut is going to be affected.

 This is completely true for me. If my stomach is upset, then there is an unavoidable reaction in the brain - almost to the point of feeling disabling. I am unable to function normally when my stomach is upset.

This isn't because I'm a wimp, or whiner, or something like that. Believe me, I'm a pretty obsessed person, and I like to keep my house in order and clean, for example. However, the state of my kitchen sink can give you a clue as to whether or not I'm tolerating or barely scraping by. And lately it's looked more like barely scraping by than tolerating. Because I am barely scraping by. I'm rather lucky to have a new cereal bowl when I happen to start to get low. It's a good thing I have a dishwasher, though for a while there we had no detergent for said dishwasher, and I had to hand wash... I did them all in the morning while I was still feeling good...

I'm not making this up.

There is a total connection between your gut and your head!

And therefore, also, a connection between your head and your gut!
If I'm anxious about something (which is often), I tend to get so anxious about it that I can have feelings of illness.
This might be what's going on with me right now, but I have to wait another week and see if I feel any better.

Christmas is coming. And with Christmas comes the stress of people coming (and not being here as long as I would like), and going (much sooner than I'd like), and important conversations to be had with certain someones, and nerves involved and upsets involved with certain conversation. Add to that the increased amount of stress of having people staying in my house (just my brother and his girlfriend, but I'm still in a period of getting to know this girlfriend, so though I like her, I'm still a bit anxious because I don't KNOW her or something...)... cooking, making sure there's food, and then there's the whole money situation, and gifts (See This Post and This Post) and the fact that I was not able, for the first time, to get everything I wanted to get for everyone.... There is a whole lot of stress going on inside my head, and I'm starting to think (and hoping, actually) that what's going on in my head is what is causing all the stomach troubles. This means that maybe in a week, it will all be gone. That would be nice.

I don't know why I'm an anxious person. From what I remember, my therapist indicated it is a "gift" of Aspergers. It just goes hand in hand with it. I feel guilty for not following "be anxious for nothing...", but I often wonder how much of that is under my control. After all, I cannot decide to not be autistic. I can't decide to not be reserved. I can't convince myself to be less socially awkward. If I could do all that, do you think I would CHOOSE to be like this? I'd like to be more comfortable in social situations, not feel like I have to "hold someone's hand" just to get through it. This is just the way it is. So is that the way it is with my anxiety too? It is just what it is. That doesn't mean I'm immune to the stress and physical symptoms of anxiety. Knowing I tend on the anxious side doesn't stop the anxiety. Knowing God's got this is a fact; and I know it. That still has not stopped it. 

I am pretty grateful, most of the time I function pretty well. I'm not "worldly successful" or anything, but I can run the house and keep things from dying. I have a lot of talent and passion for things, and stuff like that. But there are a lot of periods of darkness, and maybe this is just one of those times.

I have often found it interesting that I tend to not worry about things that other people worry about. Luckily, my husband and I rarely stress out at the same time. Usually when I'm anxious about something, he isn't. When he is, I'm not. In that way, it works out pretty nicely, because at least one of us has a hold on ourselves all the time.

Anyway, I got off track. Basically, the holidays are driving me nuts, and I'm seriously considering taking a vacation next year. Going away somewhere. Somewhere warmer, perhaps with a bit of color. I look outside the past few days and with the heavy snow covering everything, and the trees in their dark winter coats, and the sky in a blanket of clouds, it could easily be said to be a black and white photograph. I need some color! That's why I painted my living room an odd bright blue for a while. Anyway. Here's your "black and white" pictures of the day....

Energy

 From Karla's ASD Page on Facebook:

Reunions...

My dad's family has a reunion every 2 years. It's a pretty nice get-together. The oldest generation is my grandma's siblings, and the youngest would be her great grandchildren! It is pretty impressive. Since the "heads" of the family (as far back as we go on the family tree) are Helen and Fred, my grandma's parents, that makes for 5 generations of Parker relatives! This year there were something like 80 of us which is a rather small number compared to other years.

I still have a lot of reservations about reunions. It's a huge crowd of people. A ton of them. Of all ages. Many of them know me, but a lot of times I forget who they are. I know the faces a lot of the time, but the names escape me. Basically, the only way I survive the weekend is because I know its coming, I'm well aware that its coming. I am mentally prepared for a ton of people, I know the park that its in well now, I know that there's plenty for our son to do, other kids to play with, and he will be safe. There are no doors on the bathroom stalls at the park, but the gas station closeby has a one seater with a locking door, so I can take a mental break and use the bathroom in privacy!

Problem is, with all these people around, I never know what to say. There are some now that I'm connecting with on facebook, and that's always good. Then I get a full year of certain connections, and that helps. At least then I know some things I can talk about. Many of them arent on facebook though, and that makes it interesting. I never know what to say, so sometimes theres an awkward silence.

Either way, its a good time. Many of these relatives I ONLY see at this reunion. This is the only time I ever see them. So its interesting to see how people change in 2 years, especially when we are talking about the kids. They do family pictures too, and though it's always a hassle and a madhouse, and not all the pics get taken, its really nice to have the pictures. :)

So anyway. After being there all day, I'm ready to NOT be around people. My hubby and I took a nice long walk when we got to the resort that we were spending the night at with my gpa, his gf, mom and dad, and my great aunt (gmas sister). It was nice to have some time to ourselves to vent, to talk, to connect, and just to breathe. My hubby is a lot like me in many ways, both of us need time apart from the crowd. 

But, it was good food, good company, and a good drive there and back with gpa and his gf. The benefits of driving someone; they let you use their vehicle (because it was more comfortable!) and they pay for gas. :) So it was pretty sweet. I could say more and make this more informative about Aspergers, but tonight I'm tired, its late, and I don't know what else to say.

Providing a Reason for the Characteristics of Aspergers Syndrome

I'm going to try to post some things using the book "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" as a guide. This is from page 89.

"An option for adults is not to seek elusive programs that may take decades to achieve success, but simply to aquire a means of explaining why an attribute of Asperger's syndrome is confusing to friends, colleagues or acquaintances. For example, the person with Asperger's syndrome may not look at the other person as much as would be expected in a conversation, and especially when answering a question. Rather than undertake a program to know when to look at someone and read facial expressions, I recommend explaining the avoidance of eye contact: for example, 'I need to look away to help me concentrate on answering your question. I am not being rude, dishonest or disrespectful.' When talking about a special interest that is likely to be perceived as boring, the person with Asperger's syndrome may say, before starting the monologue, 'Sometimes I talk too much about my interests. If I am boring you, please ask me to stop. I will not think you are being rude.' The person creates a spoken Social Story for typical people to explain what appears to be eccentric or rude behavior.
When given a succinct and accurate explanation, the typical person can be less confused by and more tolerant of the characteristics of Asperger's syndrome. The person with Asperger's syndrome may need some guidance in thinking of an explanation. However, I have noted that the parent or partner of an adult with Asperger's syndrome may have been providing such explanations to other people for many years."

I find this really accurate, for me at least. Although I don't have very many people who say anything about my lack of eye contact, at least some must be thinking about it, because I know I am. I think about it when I'm NOT making eye contact and I think about it when I DO make eye contact. It makes little difference. I have noticed that I make a ton more eye contact when the other person is talking. I make drastically less to none when I am responding. 

Special interests. What can I say about special interests that hasn't already been said! 

I definitely have that going on. Inside, I don't want to be thought of as a "know it all" - I've been called that before, and it was a part of what made the other kids pick on me in school. This also apparently leads to my knowledge being completely ignored and definitely not respected by others, because I have a lot of strong, passionate feelings about my special interests. It would be great (and is great) when I have someone say "You know, I love and am supported by what you are saying" because it validates my special interest. It is the people who are rejecting of it that end up making me feel uncomfortable. Even if you don't agree, acknowledging that I have good, valid thoughts helps me feel as if what I'm saying or talking about is valued.

Knowing I do have the knowledge, I have used giving the reason for a characteristic before. I have told people, for example, that I will not offer them information on a topic unless they ask me for it. This way, I can rein in my thoughts and I hope that they feel that they are safe to ask me for advice or information. Unfortunately, I haven't had anyone actually take me up on it, which still ends up making me feel as if they don't value my opinion anyway, even if I have been sensible about not giving it if they didn't want it. Basically, it seems they didn't want it at all, and are glad to now not have to hear it.
Sigh. How complicated.

Stuff People Say To Autistics

http://parentingwithaspergers.blogspot.com/2012/02/st-ignorant-people-say-to-autistics.html

Examples of plans going wrong...

I wish I had the words to express this the way I'm thinking it.

I plan things. I think naturally, I'm a planner. Although life recently doesn't show it. I fly by the seat of my pants mostly now, but I'm not convinced that this makes me very happy. I like plans.

I even plan simple things, like how my day is going to go.
Example #1: I drive to work planning I will do a certain job. I could either be happy about this particular job I'm planning on doing, or dreading it. When I get to work, often I'm wrong, and end up doing a different job. Again, this can make me happy or disappointed, because I do like different jobs more than others, and in addition, right now I have tendonitis requiring me to wear a splint, and its much harder to do some of the jobs that I used to like. So, these days its harder.

Mostly, I get disappointed when the plan I had in mind doesn't happen.

Example #2: I can plan that tonight I'm going to go for a run. But it rains, the bugs are bad, husband ends up busy and can't be here to watch the kid, or my battery on my phone is too close to dead. Then I end up feeling like the evening is wasted because things didn't go to plan.

Example #3: Family from either side can be visiting. I'll picture that they will come over to my house to visit, maybe we will even make supper. Maybe I'll call to where they are and see if there is a plan. More often than not, family leaves, they NEVER stop in to see me, and I am again disappointed that my plans didn't go as I imagined them, and add in the additional fact that I expect more from family than normal people because of the expectation or "picture" that family is supposed to care about you more than anyone else because they are family. This particular mentality is ever changing and is starting to separate a bit into "family members who will" and "family members who wont" and I am expecting less from certain family members, which hurts, but it hurts less than expecting something they cannot or will not perform.

Example #4: I have plans to go to work. Kid gets sick. Now, I'm very sad for kid who is sick. I want to stay with him and help him when he's not feeling well. But it is a HUGE disruption to my plans, and again, I end up disappointed that I had gotten up mentally prepared to go to work, and now I'm staying home (which I honestly prefer anyway) and I'm upset because that wasn't the plan. This one I recover from quicker than most. :P

Example #5: I imagine the life of someone else. I imagine the things that will happen in their life. I can't wait to see them _______. I don't really have interest in sharing this thought with them, but sometimes and with certain people I do. I also do this in my own life, like imagining I would get married, wait a couple years, and have a kid (which I followed exactly in that order because, obviously, I have control over that!). 

Usually, my "plans" for other people also do not match up to what I have expected or imagined. I KNOW they are imaginary thoughts. I KNOW I have NO control or power over the life, choices, or outcomes of anybody else. Usually, I end up not caring about the results, in the way that its ok, because their life goes on, my life goes on, everything is fine. It is just in the initial period that I'm thrown off. I don't know how to respond to myself and the disappointment that I feel that my picture is now adequately scribbled on in black ink. 

I guess I have always been this way. I like to plan things. Conversations even. This is probably due to the social anxiety, I tend to plan what I'm going to say if I can. This way, #1 I have something to say (because I struggle with coming up with something on the fly..) and #2, I can already prepare words instead of searching for them or tripping over them. I can sometimes feel like I'm stuttering!
In another way, I have conversations that are "planned conversations" but they are more imaginary, for blowing off steam, for all the things I SHOULD have said, or for releasing tension about something, someone, or an interaction or something. Yes, people, I talk to myself. In the car is a great place because no one is there. Now, don't go driving around in my direction to see if I'm talking to myself. I do listen to music a lot as well, and I don't just listen, I SING.

Anyway, I'm just trying to give you some idea about why I might be upset sometimes. I have preplanned something. And when it didn't go the way I pictured it, I feel out of control, or unbalanced, or fretful. This isn't because I'm a control freak or NEED to control you or anyone or anything really, I just like to be prepared for things. I like to imagine whats going to happen so that I can be prepared for any social, emotional, and physical experiences I might have or something.

Emotional surprises are hard for me because I have had no way to prepare for them. Then usually I end up reacting wrongly, regretting how I acted because it wasn't how I truly felt or feel, and .... its just completely awkward. Then I'm wishing for a redo.

This happens to me a lot, and I'm sure that it drives my husband crazy. He is SUCH a good guy, and he hasn't ever been mean to me about it or anything, and sometimes he "lets me have my way", which by the way, isn't usually what will "solve the problem" or help get rid of the mood. Getting my way isn't really what I want, I just wanted things to go how I pictured them, and now theres a "smear" of how it DIDN'T go that way already in there, so it doesn't matter if I "get my way" or not.
Poor Hubby, he asked me to marry him while driving a pickup somewhere. I begged him for a "redo" - for him to do it like I pictured it, down on one knee and etc. He never did. Which I'm willing to forgive him for because he did mean it, and we have a wonderful life together. Is the proposal of "my dreams" worth giving up on for him? Yep. See, sometimes things not going as planned is ok. I just need recovery time. An hour, a day, a year. Whatever. :)

What Am I Thinking....

I just thought I would post this quickly tonight. Just to let you all know what I'm dealing with. This is seriously the soundtrack to every conversation. These are the kinds of questions that are going through my head. Along with "Am I making eye contact?" "what do I say?" ... I mean the list goes on and on.

Expectations vs Reality

So this odd thing happened today.

You know how when you are sitting somewhere, and you "plan" on what you are going to do when you can get up and "go", or something?

So, I had a plan about how it would go when I was going to get up and leave. Well, in the meantime, Brody threw a fit, I had to leave before it ended, and I didn't get to "finish" what I planned on doing. Jeff picked up our things and brought them to the car. Very thoughtful, but kinda messed with my groove. Then we ended up getting confused, and I ended up cranky.

See, I make plans in my head, like a way of knowing what to expect. When plans go awry, then I get a little shook up. Top that off with the Brody tantrum that started the whole thing, and I was really shook. This is common, and hard to handle. However, at least now I can look at it out of a lens of Aspergers, and understand that its just a part of the deal, and it will be ok. It gives me a lot more clarity. It helps me to understand why I seem like I'm acting crazy.

Understood

Though I know my social skills are not what they should be, and I know that I don't understand a lot of the conversational games people play, or the flat out gossip games people play, I am happy for the most part with my social life. I CHOOSE not to have a ton of people in my life because I can't maintain that many friendships at a time, and honestly, I don't trust people very often. I think I have talked about how quickly I move (mentally) from meeting someone to being their full on friend, but I don't think I mentioned that this doesn't happen often, most definitely not every time.

I have a lot of people "in my life" who aren't really under the right impression about what I do and say. There are people "in my life" who don't really understand me, and whether that's because they don't want to or because I keep them at a distance I don't know.

Because of this, these people, MANY people, don't "get" the things I do or say. This means that more often than not, I say something completely innocent, and it turns into, as I read recently about something I discussed, world war 3. I used to get very emotionally involved in these discussions and I would be angry and frustrated and annoyed and sad.  I don't do this as much anymore, I've learned from the past (I hope!) and I don't take it personally as much. However, people still get all ruffled over things I say, even the most innocent things. It feels as if they prefer to think the worst of what I say, and of me, even when I have nothing but the best intentions. 

I don't always see this as an attack from the person, but there's an underlying belief that I know there is an enemy out there who is doing this through people. That's hard to say because I know that people don't believe in that. That's hard to say because I know people don't want to think that any of their actions come from the enemy, especially if they are a person who believes they are trying to follow God. However, NO ONE is at more risk of being attacked by the enemy, or used by the enemy, than someone who is trying to follow God! Someone who isn't following God is of no interest to satan, what does he care? They aren't following God. Satan's interest is to bring people away from God, not bring them to God. Anyway, I digress.

What I need people to understand is I'm sharing my ideas, thoughts, etc not because I'm looking to fight with people, I'm not looking to hurt people, I'm not looking to be a know it all. I'm not trying to prove I'm an authority of any kind on any topic.
 What I want more than anything is simply to be understood. I simply want to share a thought, and have people say "That's neat!" or "I've never read that/thought of that" or "What an interesting thought!". If people would say that, first of all, we could start any following discussion on a positive note; knowing that I was understood in the first place, and that they thought my ideas/whatnot was interesting and worthy of discussion, instead of just feeling as if they are out to prove me wrong, or looking to find a way to put me down. I guess I've never verbalized these fears really. I found myself just staring at those words. I have a fear of people arguing with me because I feel they are either trying to prove me wrong or looking for a way to put me down. 

Either way, I really just want to be understood. I don't think that this is an unrealistic feeling. I don't think that its uncommon to want understanding. I think people want the same thing from me too. Sometimes I don't see it either. I think every word people say or right should have the "intention" bubble above it. You know? A side note that tells me and them whats going on behind the words, or what the intention behind the word is.

It would be a lot easier if we would say what we mean and mean what we say. No sarcasm, no faking it.

Don't YOU just want to be understood?

Rumors, Rejections, Misunderstanding, Aspergers

 "Ericka may feel quite insecure and/or pessimistic about the future. She may also feel inferior to others, has little self-confidence, and does not always feel capable of solving her problems."

"Ericka has very few friends, and others think she is hard to get to know. She is quiet, submissive, and conventional, and she lacks self-confidence in dealing with other people. Individuals with this passive and withdrawing lifestyle are often unable to assert themselves appropriately and are frequently taken advantage of by others."

"The MCMI-III pattern achieved by Ericka suggests an ongoing conflict between her desire to develop secure and warm relationships and a fear of having to relate to others she cannot or will not trust. Ericka wants to be close and affectionate with others but anticipates disillusionment from such relationships. She may lack self-esteem and expect to be humiliated. Others may have either deprecated or disapproved of her self-expressive attempts. Ericka's relations with others may often be petulant and passively aggressive, causing others to view her possibly as a sulky, irritable, and argumentative person. Occasionally, Ericka may attack others capriciously for their lack of support and for what she sees as their unreasonable expectations and demands. To bind her anger and thereby protect herself against further isolation, she may become anxiously depressed and withdraw into her own world. It would appear that Ericka's daydreaming and moodiness frequently evoke negative reactions from others, which only serve to reinforce her withdrawal tendencies.

Ericka may feel that she is unable to muster the wherewithal to overcome the deficits she sees in her life or to achieve the support she desires from others. Hence, she may vacillate, turning first against herself, expressing feelings of unworthiness and uselessness, then turning against others, acting petulant and irresponsibly. Feeling unappreciated and demeaned by others, she may find that withdrawing and daydreaming provides her with some satisfactions that are otherwise unattainable."

"Ericka displayed strong empathy for animals and children, but her understanding of adult emotions and behaviors appeared intellectualized. Ericka described several situations where, much to her surprise, others had to explain to her that her behaviors were having a strong negative impact on them."

I am once again taken by surprise that someone would take my words to mean something they do not mean. Trying not to get into details here, but fact of the matter is that I try to trust people, and this is the thanks that I get! Rumors are spread about something I "supposedly said", which I didn't actually say at all, and now people are hurt. Of course, I'm hurt too. How could anyone take someone else's words, twist them and then turn around and stab me in the back with them? 

This is a repetitive story that seems to be happening over and over in my life. I think I can trust someone, and BAM! I'm proven again and again that I cannot. DURING the accusation, I blame myself. Tell myself how its highly likely that I did do what I'm being accused of. Desperation takes over, as I try to figure out where and how I went wrong. I search, I ask, I reflect. I find nothing.

Then I'm usually left for very strong emotions. Emotions of anger that I was misunderstood. Emotions of sadness and tears that I am so alone. Emotions of frustration that I'm still living where I am, even though I am finally desperate to get out of here. Frustration that even though I stay out of people's lives and privacy, yet they do not stay out of mine. Fears of being misunderstood. Confusion about how to make it right when apologizing doesn't seem to do the job. Pain that I'm always being used, taken advantage of, and I never know it until its too late and someone else is hurt over something said about me, which is usually a lie.

It's the real life version of a hollywood gossip magazine. If you read it/hear it from there, its a lie. 

Sometimes I know or can find out who has broken my trust, but often I don't know, which makes it worse. Which person out of this group of people could it have possibly been? NOW what do I do? How can I prevent this kind of misunderstanding in the future? How can I be sure this person won't attack me this way again? Why are they doing this? What, is there no one else to gossip about, so we have to pick on that "strange" girl who doesn't hang out with anyone in town (and whom we know nothing about, so really, we don't have any true statements to make about her)? Who are these people and why are they even involved in my life, why do they even care what I do or say anyway?

I remember a time where a friend of mine led me along on this idea we would do something, and I was kinda excited about it. Then at the last minute she pulled the rug out from under my feet, called me all kinds of names, and rejected me and teased me because I would want to do such a thing. It was all so innocent. I was trying to be cool about it, and it was HER IDEA. I won't ever forget it. I feel as if I saw my own "deer in headlights" face and I can't get the burned memory of that experience out of my head. 

Trust me. If I had actually done what I'm accused of doing, NO ONE would learn the lesson more than me. However, if I were the kind of person who would actually have done what I'm accused of, I probably would learn nothing. If I were the kind of heartless person who would talk about someone else in order to ruin their reputation, I guess I probably wouldn't care.

But I do care. I want people's respect. I want my words to be taken the way I mean them, not the way someone gossips about them.
And for once in my life, I would like to NOT take responsibility for something I didn't do. Like I said, my first gut reaction is to be responsible, on the small chance that I DID accidentally or inavertantly say something or do something that could have been misunderstood. I don't want to lie, and to end up finding out I was wrong to defend myself and say I didn't. Unfortunately, this probably ends up making me seem more guilty when I am not at fault. 

I have this bad trait of accepting people. I have this bad sense of judgement when it comes to whom I can trust. I have this inability to screen people for their trustworthiness. I would really like to think that people I let into my little bubble are people I can trust. I am already selective to my social groups because I don't have the time or energy for a lot of drama, and because of these kinds of experiences, I'm protective of myself! So when someone who is apparently IN my little bubble stabs me in the back, I take it as a reflection of my poor choice to let them in. I take it as a reflection of my poor judgement, thinking I could trust them to properly understand me. I blame myself for allowing someone to be so misunderstanding of me as a person, that my words were taken in a way that they were never meant to be taken. They didn't know me well enough to know what I meant by what I said, and that somehow is my fault. I shouldn't have trusted them so completely. I shouldn't have let them into that messy statement. I should have known better than to say something that could have been misinterpreted so badly and wrongly.

So, see, it's my fault. Again, I'm taking responsibility for the fact that someone misunderstood my words, and stabbed me in the back with them. It's my fault I said anything that I should have kept private. It's my fault that I trusted them. I'm praying and searching and seeking for the ability to see where I went wrong. To have some kind of proof I am the "bad person" they say I am. Because I tend to believe people, and what they say, even if I know in my heart they are wrong, maybe there's a possibility that they are right. Maybe I just didn't see it. 

After an examination of the facts, I can discover... "no, wait, I've checked, I'm still pretty sure on my position."

I am heartbroken for the person who was hurt. Not because I got "caught", but because they are being used by someone who misunderstood and twisted something I said to mean something it does not. I am heartbroken because I want to be trusted, and now I don't think they can trust me. I'm heartbroken because they were just as emotional, just as hurt as I am. Because I didn't filter my public use of words good enough. Because I use a "public" place to vent my frustrations at all. Because I use it too much. Because I trusted someone, and I don't even know who, and now I know I can't trust people again. I hate this reminder.

I'm really tired of being used. This kind of life is exhausting. It makes me fearful for someone to have this kind of intentions toward me, especially when I don't know which direction its coming from. Its like being blind and not knowing who smacked you upside the head with a brick.

This is Aspergers. Not able to understand or believe or see why someone would want to behave this way. Being innocent and naive makes it really easy for people to use you. Not understanding the drama, the game playing, the advantage to putting someone else down. How does a person gain anything by lying and twisting and manipulating? How do they sleep at night living that way? If I acted like they say I do, and if I acted like they are, the guilt would eat me alive, and I would probably kill myself, or at the least, self medicate through drugs and alcohol. NO WONDER. Makes things make sense a little bit around here.

I've been taken advantage of. I'm tired of it. You think you know me, you rumor spreaders, you word twisters. God is the only person who knows every single part of me. God knows the intentions of my heart when I post or say things. I'll be honest, I'm not perfect, and my intentions are not always perfect either. But honestly, it doesn't happen often because I consider myself an honest person, and I consider myself to be someone who says what she means, means what she says, and doesn't have any hidden implied meanings or game playing or drama. I don't understand people playing those games with me, why would I play them myself?

 Why me? Why me again?

You know the part in "Never Been Kissed" where she reveals she is a 25 year old reporter who's been beating her brains out trying to impress those popular kids? Then she says they will spend a lifetime putting others down because it makes them feel better - and points to the "nerdy" girl and says "WHY HER!!"

Story of my life. Why me? Why do people want to hurt me? Why do people pick ME as someone to gossip about, someone to tell nasty lies about, spread rumors about? Why are they working so hard to imagine up these words, these situations, these lies, about me? What is so important about me that I'm chosen to be gossipped about. Why isn't there ONE person out there who is willing to be like "You know, I don't think thats true." Why isn't there ONE person out there who could stop the rumors? 

I'm just riddled with emotions, thoughts, confusions, frustrations, fears.

OK! Now that I've posted about it, refreshed your memory back to my original diagnosis information, and elaborated on my thought process.... I'm moving on to my normal life. I'm moving into my head for a few days. If I don't post, please don't think I've given up on the blog, but I need a vacation. Thanks.

Processing Speed, Decision Making, Friendships

So, if you look back at my first post, you will see that I scored rather high on something called processing speed. This seems like a very self-explanitory thing, but its also very complicated. I am still in the process of understanding what this is, and all of the places in my life that it applies.

When I went to my results meeting, the example that she used was in football, the players have to be able to think fast to make the play. I responded that its like when I'm reading music, I will be reading the notes several notes ahead of where I'm actually playing. Yup, thats processing speed. Also, letter/word recognition is faster, making reading easier. It is likely, then, that I learned to read early on because of this high processing speed; learning quickly what a word looked like, not through phonics or sounding it out, but through just remembering what the word looked like, and recognizing it helped me know what the word is. This all would explain both early reading, and the speed reading I did in my childhood. I could read an entire book in a few hours. I remember I read a lot of "Babysitters Club", and the Sweet Valley books, among others. I could polish them off in as little as an hour.
I also beat a math teacher on times tables. He used to time us doing 100 times tables from X1 to X12. I was always rather fast at this, but I did eventually beat HIS best time, which was totally awesome.

However, there are other ways that I'm told are affected by processing speed. My ability to take in information and make a decision based on that information is also a part of processing speed. If I acquire some knowledge on a subject, I quickly make a decision on the topic. These decisions are hard to be changed. I am almost always SURE of the decision I have made, no matter what. It takes a very long time to adjust or change my thinking. This isn't because I'm stubborn or bullheaded. This is because I processed previous information, made a concrete decision, and that decision feels like a "final" decision for me. Over time, I can adjust and change my position, but it usually takes a lot of additional information and study, as well as patient and understanding people who are willing to understand that I just don't see it any other way. Again, this is not a stubbornness. This is just the way my brain works. I don't know WHY it works this way, it just does. 

This can work about subjects like parenting or religion, both of which get me into hot water with people. But I can see pretty well how this works for people as well. 

Friendships are hard for me. They always have been. I don't remember "real" friendships as a young child, I pretty much kept to myself because I didn't know what to do and I was way more interested in reading a book or something than what the other kids were doing. I remember always liking the teachers, and trying to help them out was something I preferred to do. (Though, there were a few teachers whom I did NOT like.)

I did have friends, but usually they didn't have anything in common except that we were all outcasts. We didn't really fit in anywhere else, so naturally, it was together. Even with them, I was not sharing a lot of common interests, and certainly not a lot of social time outside of school!

As an adult, I still don't understand how friendships work. When I meet someone, I might think that they seem great, but I don't ever know how to make the first move. I don't ever know what to say. My son has been a better icebreaker than anything else in life, but even then I'm hesitant because he is SO forward that sometimes the kid he's talking to has no idea what to do with him either!

But once I feel I'm friends with someone, I have quickly (remember processing speed) decided that this is a person I can trust. This is a person who is my friend! They must like me if I feel like they are friendly with me, right? Yay! A friend! 

This often leads to me feeling very open with them. I'm a "you've been here once, you're family" type person, so once you're in, you're in. Then I have no problems sharing, talking to, being with this new friend. (Clarifying, still, not all the time or anything, and the talking to is more complicated than just talking to them - I stilll suffer for what to talk about....)

The problem with this is that apparently other people aren't like that. First of all, other people usually cannot and sometimes even should not be trusted that quickly. I have learned the hard way more than once that feeling like I'm friends with someone does NOT mean we are friends. Just because someone is nice to me does not mean that they even like me. (Why do we pretend to like someone? Please don't do that to me.) And I can tell you that I have ended up being used, gossipped about and "burned" from feeling like I'm friends with someone who had no interest whatsoever in being my friend.

 Second, people apparently don't trust me back right away. I have this crazy belief that I can trust people. Whether they are a new friend or an old friend, once a person feels like a friend, I trust them. Again, I get burned because there are people out there who are apparently willing and able to take advantage of my naive trust and openness. I tell them things that they probably don't want to know, or that they aren't "close enough" to be told yet. There is only one line in the sand with me. In. Out.

See, in my mind this is heartbreaking because I trust people, and they don't trust me back. It hurts because I feel like we're friends, only to find out we aren't. I show such interest in a person, I shower them with compliments, thoughtfulness, gifts, and I get nothing back in return. 

Then I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I shouldn't be the kind of friend that always expects something in return. I shouldn't be the kind of person who does something just to see what I get back. And I don't think that is the problem. I just misunderstand how friendships work. To me, you are either a friend, or you are not. There is no "almost friend" or "acquaintenance". I don't work into a friendships through these steps like everyone else apparently does.

In my life, more than once, and throughout my whole life, I have trusted in people who seemed to be so nice to me. I latched onto them and expressed my appreciation for them in my life through crushes and loving behavior and feelings. Looking back, even I feel like I was crazy.

 It was always refreshing to feel like I was special to someone, and I wanted to make them feel special too. I felt as if I made a difference in their life, as if my feelings of friendship weren't mistaken. It was always nice to be considered a person that they valued. 

The problem was that there were more of these "friendships" that were with, perhaps to be described as "inappropriate" people. Typically, they were never people my age (kids my age were not safe), and they were people that I technically were "safe" from. They couldn't really hurt me, because they weren't really allowed IN my life. They were in my life, don't get me wrong, but it isn't like we hung out or went places together. They were "safe" people to put my interest and friendship and even love toward, because they really couldn't reject my feelings because they couldn't accept my feelings either. 

Does that make any sense? I don't know if I'm making any sense. Basically, I focused a ton of obsession, energy, time and money into people who were so nice to me, but who were "safe" enough that they COULDN'T be mean to me. (Also, they wouldn't, I don't think, because they were not an immature stage of life, like many of the people my age were. I just didn't/don't have time to play games in friendships. I'm not a dramatic person really.) 

This was very confusing for me because my feelings of love for them weren't "really" love, yet I felt completely enamored with them. People who know me rather well know specific people this applies to, but it was more than just one person, because it happened from as early as I can remember, all through school, and even into college. I can honestly say, however, that since my husband and I married, I have not really had those feelings about another person in a long time, though I still struggle more with those people I was enamored with than anyone else because what do I do now? How do I reconstruct any form of relationship with them? Again, I feel like either we are friends or we aren't friends, the middle ground isn't someplace I like to be with people.

My feelings of friendship are intense. When I meet someone that I feel I can trust, I have a hard time holding back. I almost want to know everything about them in one sitting, and to share everything about me with them as well. I want to KNOW a person almost inside out, and to have them want to know me back. I used to write down everything I knew about people, like a teen magazine would write a celebrity's favorites list. Apparently, this doesn't work for the vast majority of the people in the world, and I have watched people "run" because, it seems, I have scared them off with my intensity about it. 

What I really want is just to be understood here. I want people to know that I'm not insane or nuts for wanting to be close friends right away. It should be a sign that I trust a person, not a sign that I'm coming on too strong. Luckily, I can count at least 2 people in my life who responded positively to my forwardness of friendship, and those friendships seem to be completely fine. 

The worst part is probably that I'm not aware until its already over or past that I'm coming off so strongly. Or if I do realize it, all I know is that it feels so good to feel accepted that I'm not willing to back down and be the cause of a faded friendship. I'd rather come on too strong than be accused of not coming on at all. It probably hurts more when I'm eventually rejected, but I put myself out there for someone I thought I could trust, and for some reason, this is ok. 

I hope some of this made sense. I was kinda just writing as my thoughts came out, so I'm sorry for length and probably a poor interpretation of processing speed, but it is an insight into my head maybe?