Parenthood Farewell

Well, that's it! Parenthood (the show) is over.

The only reason I got into this show was because of Max. Max has changed my life. When the show started, I was not diagnosed yet. I wasn't even sure if I wanted or needed to be. It wasn't really on my radar. The more I watched, the more of myself I saw, the more I talked to people (many of which didn't believe me), the more I realized that I had to find out for sure, for myself, so that I could stop saying that I thought I could relate, so that I could find out if I actually did relate! So, I did, I am, and I do!

My son was just officially diagnosed yesterday. I've known since birth, but it became more and more apparent that I don't have the actual tools or skills to help him with his ASD any more than I have the tools or skills to help myself with my own. As an adult, there aren't exactly resources available, but it is more obvious to me every day how much I need some of the things that ASD kids are getting. For one, my emotional regulation is not good. But I digress...

I was/am devastated. I loved the show, I loved how they were so real, I loved how it wasn't about death, or murder, or killing, or vampires or witches, or other spiritual stuff. This was a show about "real people", a "real family". I say that in quotes because we all know it isn't real, but it feels like stories that could be. It is relatable, and covered a wide range of topics and stories. Of course the one I was most interested in was Max's. 

The thing that I find especially ironic right now is that just as we start our "official" journey with our son is when the show is ending. The show started with Max kicking off his journey, and its ending with us kicking off ours.

I do have the show to thank for being able to even consider being diagnosed, and doing the same for my son. I don't know if I would have even had discussions about it if it hadn't been for the show, and I might not be sitting here with all the answers to my childhood issues, and adult issues, and the answers to what will help my son. I might be in a totally different place with all of this. I don't know how I could keep going on not knowing about this part of me that affects everything else, so I guess I might have eventually been diagnosed anyway, but I know that the show and the discusions that came from that are a huge part of why.

I also realized tonight that I have a hard time with this stuff.

I have always had a hard time with movies. I'm the girl who won't watch Dumbo or Lady and the Tramp, (and I won't be showing them to my kids either), among other movies, and other reasons, because I cannot handle the emotional turmoil that they cause in my heart, my mind and my body. I could not stop crying. I had made a prediction early on in the season, and I couldn't have been more right. Still, it made for a rather devastating ending to the show, while bittersweet, then filled with clips from the future and whatnot... I can still feel myself torn up about this.

And that's just what I'm getting at. I can't do this kind of thing anymore. Years ago I distanced myself from suspenseful shows, scary shows, and shows where people were constantly being murdered and whatever. I can't take the emotional turmoil. Parenthood was the complete opposite of that kind of thing, but still, when it ends, I find myself just as emotionally distraught, and feeling just as sick over it. I don't like that feeling. I really honestly can't take this kind of thing.

I literally felt depression. I know most people don't feel depression hit them overnight, or in minutes. I know most people don't really realize they are falling into it until they are already there. But I literally felt the way I did when I had the mirena, but it happened in the span of about 5 minutes. Just all of a sudden - BOOM - it hit me like a ton of bricks. Whether it was just from the whole emotions of the episode in question here, or if it was the fact that its over and its almost like someone died (oh wait....), and the parallels between what happened in the episode and what has happened to our family in real life this past fall, or if it is the change in routine - that I won't be having Parenthood as a part of my routine anymore - it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

 Don't worry too much about me, I already know if this doesn't ease up, I will be running for the counselor! LOL But I think I will be fine. The Notebook killed me a little bit too, but I survived that just fine, eventually. 

Anyway, I don't know if this is common with people with Aspergers/ASD, or not. I know it's not real, but it feels real. They engage your real emotions, so it feels so real. It is almost like your mind is confused with your body, your body reacts like it's real and your mind knows it's not?

Either way, I don't want any more connections to any more shows! I just can't take the emotional stress. This is probably for the best anyway, as I can't stand the crap they are putting on tv anymore. Can't even watch a "good show" without having to see 26 ads for the worst shows you never wanted to hear about.

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest tonight. I'm sure this isn't the last time I'll write about it, and I'm sure that I'm going to end up reading a ton of articles about the finale or whatever. But this strong of a connection to a tv show really shakes me, and I am not sure that I like it, and I don't want any more shows!! I've been so upset that it's going to be over, and now after it is, I'm relieved. They almost imprison you don't they? No more Parenthood, no more good Veggietales. This is getting interesting isn't it? 

So. I'm just a little overwhelmed tonight. A little overtired from the release of emotions from not only the show, but the week in general. May God make this a better future, without any more addicting tv shows!

Challenging Myself & Being Disappointed (Warning: Parenthood Spoilers)

I'm a yelling mom.

I don't want to be. But I am.

So I'm taking a book club challenge from Orange Rhino. This is a mom who has her hands full. (One thing I've learned so far and not directly through the book club discussions is that my gut instinct is to say that shes much more overwhelmed than me, but I have to start learning to not make unfair comparisons of myself to others. Her struggles seem intense, but I also have struggles different from hers and they aren't any less difficult. We are equal, not in a competition to "out-struggle" each other.)

Anyway, I was frustrated on one chapter on tracking my triggers. Like a food journal, write down when I yell, why, and whatnot. First, I haven't found the attachment or when I mean to my computer wont cooperate. Second, I haven't even remembered when im yelling to stop and yell away, nor can I remember to write it down afterwards because I'm just trying to decompress from yelling.

I have remembered maybe twice to even stop and THINK about a particular yelling. Sadly, its hard to distinguish yelling from "nasty toned talk", so I'm really becoming aware of everything that's coming out of my mouth. So that's progress.

I was pouting and wondering why I can't get it together and write my triggers when another user's post caught my eye. CONTROL FREAK.

And yet another, who went on to say that its deeper than that, that it's a fear of being disappointed.

*MINDBLOWN*

Disappointment is NOT easy for those on the spectrum. Just last night watching Parenthood, Max was disappointed by a girl he had fallen in love with. I immediately connected because that kind of stuff happened to me a lot too. My intense affection for someone, the flashy ways I showed that, embarrassing stuff. I'm left wishing quite a few notes were dropped in a trash can without being read.

But Max was so disappointed when said girl liked someone else he absolutely lost it. Twice, I recall. It was heartbreaking and sad. This is really normal for spectrum. If something doesn't turn out the way they planned it and pictured it, it's as if someone took ahold of your brain and ripped it to pieces. It physically hurts. I would rather be overwhelmed and exhausted doing it all myself, or criticizing my kid for how he did it wrong, than to just accept that done is done even if it's not done by me or my way.

This is a great learning experience. I'm considering that for that reason alone I may need to revisit some counseling as I did before, and get more to the bottom of this kind of situation because the more I stew on it, the more situations I can see this interfering with, not just with today, or tomorrow, but into the future as well. This is something I'm not lying down on.

Moving forward.

Max. Heartbreaking. Story of my life.

http://tmblr.co/ZCSBau1AyhWvD

This is a show on television. It is written and acted out. So people can easily assume that it is maybe sorta based on real life, but mostly fictional.

I'm here to tell you that nothing about how Max has been treated is fictional. These things happen. Probably every single day somewhere there is a kid being bullied like this. And its even more likely if that kid is on the spectrum.

I tend to be trusting of people. This characteristic gets me into some pretty interesting situations. You would think that trusting people would be rewarded with honest and kind friendships and people who trust me as much as I trust them. So far, I haven't found that to be the case very often.

When I was in school, I didn't even know I had Aspergers. I don't even remember it being on my radar. It wasn't talked about in the news as some 'epidemic'. No one talked about it and no one seemed to have been diagnosed with it (though I have noticed there are so many adults being diagnosed as adults, and I know there are a huge percentage that aren't and won't be diagnosed). 

When I was in school, those were MY FEELINGS.
If I'm so smart, why don't I know why they are laughing at me? Why don't I know why they are picking on me? Why me? What, is there a kick me sign on my back? 

And yes, EVEN THE NICE KIDS.

Which, I suppose, makes them not nice kids doesn't it. They thought because they weren't druggies getting suspended or detention that they were the good kids. They thought that because they were getting good grades, or on the sports team, that they were the good kids. I'm here to tell you that there are fewer good kids than it appears. The good kids are overrated, because they can be just as mean and bully just as well as anybody else. Only its worse because I trusted them. I trusted that they WEREN'T the ones teasing me. I thought that they were the ones who might defend me or even stand up for me when things happened. I was shocked to see them actually joining the bullying instead of sticking up for me. And I was heartbroken. Every time I was left confused and wondering what was happening, and how it was happening. Weren't they supposed to be the nice kids? Aren't the nice kids supposed to step in or something when I need help? That's what makes them nice kids right?

These are the kids who got credit for a peer helpers group that really didn't exist (it was something to write on a college application and something to get out of class to be in the yearbook photo for). These kids got awards and scholarships based on their "service in the community", when really that mean they played sports and entertained us 4 times a week. 

Kids cannot really be held responsible, can they? What kid would actually step into a group of angry teenagers beating on (physically or mentally) another student? What kid can actually be expected to be brave enough to put themselves and their reputation on the line for the loser? It might be social suicide I suppose. And it's scary. That means putting yourself physically on the line for someone else. What if they turn on you instead? What if they beat you up, or reject you? Then what? Then you're stuck alone and rejected too. 

It's terribly sad. And teachers can't be everywhere every second either. 

I don't have any solutions unfortunately. I don't really know anyone who does. Even homeschooling you are going to eventually meet that person who uses you and tosses you like a piece of trash. I guess that maybe if you have a strong family backing you up, maybe it doesn't hurt so bad. But not a lot of kids have that either.

Point is, things like what happened to Max, and his resulting feelings and hurts, those are real. I felt my own pain as real as if it were happening as I watched that scene. It was beautiful and raw, and so realistic. It was all that it should be. Every school should be showing that kind of story as some kind of life skills class or something. Every student should see the results of their actions. I don't think it would cut deep enough though, just showing one little show/episode/scene. But something needs to happen. I just don't know what. 

This is what we with Aspergers face. And if you think it stops at graduation, you're wrong. I've encountered this kind of thing in every college I've been at (3), and as an adult I've seen it more times than I can believe. It's frustrating. Unlike kids, adults should know better and have a better control over their actions or reactions. Adults should be able to stop themselves and realize that what they are doing is wrong. But sadly, there are plenty who don't. 

Max Braverman. Aspergers. Parenthood.

I want to write a lot about this. I want to post the specific video for the scene. And I have so much to say.

Right now, I will post a link to a post already written. It was pretty good. When I get the chance, I will find the video, or take one myself, and write about it. I have a lot to say about this.

http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/telefile/parenthood-file/2014/03/parenthood-the-best-and-worst-braverman-pairings-of-the-offer/

Parenthood, Hank, and Adam & Kristina

Hank's storyline on Parenthood is really close to my heart because I have experienced the same situation as an adult finding out about yourself and that there is reason for you to be different and what that difference could be. At this point they do not seem to be going to concrete a diagnosis for Hank, which I find disappointing. I think making it more concrete would be a relief and a lot of fun to have a character diagnosed as an adult. This is something that is happening more often today than it has in the past, based not on increased prevalence, but increased knowledge. I think there are many more adults out there who are autistic, and even more celebrities that are autistic in real life that are just undiagnosed. I like to see them get diagnosed, and put a face to the reorder of the brain that is aspergers/autism.

There have been few scenes involving Adam and Kristina, the parents of Max who has aspergers. They have thought it has been great that Max has a place to go, and those brief interactions have been pretty nice to see. After Max's meltdown over a broken promise, Adam is thoughtful enough to hand Hank a book on aspergers in hopes that it will help Hank understand Max. What Hank ends up finding is himself, and the following scenes have been brief but pretty special.

In one scene Adam and Kristina talk about Hank possibly having aspergers being a window into what kind of life Max might have. Mindblowing as it may seem to people who don't have any experience with aspergers, but we can, and do, live successful lives with spouses, children and even jobs. We aren't the party hardy ones, but we are out there living normal, successful (at least in our eyes) lives, and we're pretty okay with what we've got. That was a pretty good scene because yes, it does happen and yes, we have positive futures!

In another series of scenes, Adam tries to include Hank in something, and I think it was rooted in the idea of getting to know more about Hank, and more about what kind of thoughts and life he has as an adult who might possibly be similar to his own son. Even strongly defending Hank to his brother Crosby, who calls him a freak and thinks its weird and wrong to include him. Believe me, this happens more than you would think, even in adult life, where when we're just a little weird, we're excluded and left on the outside because of that weirdness. It isn't fair, but it happens all the time, and honestly we'd rather be alone and not social than deal with that mess. When Hank seems to make it difficult, he's just defending his comfort in what they were doing, and the idea that he shouldn't have to change "for fun" - believe me change isn't fun, especially changing rules because rules aren't supposed to change! However, that being said, if someone had said to him in the beginning that there would be a rule change at some point during the night, he may have been more prepared.

In addition, Hank takes what happens and misunderstands most of it, thinking that it was all his fault, and Adam did a great job of just calming it down and saying no man, it's not you to blame for everything and that it was okay to feel that way. Adam was great through that whole scene. Obviously, taking aspergers into consideration for who you are talking to, you automatically understand the limitations or feelings of a person, and you respond accordingly, unlike everyone else who was responding treating Hank like a normal person, who would purposely try to ruin the fun. In Adam's mind, it was entirely different, and it made him look like a very kind person and an ally that Hank can trust. But, too, this is Adam's kid's "future", hypothetically, so he feels a great connection to defending Hank because he feels as if he knows more now about where Hank is coming from in the light of aspergers, just as he knows his own son and where he is coming from through the light of aspergers.

In life we make excuses for people when they are rude, or having a hard time. We understand when they are feeling badly because of job issues, or marriage issues, or exhaustion, or illness. We are sensitive to them when they are going through depression or loss. We are kind and helpful to them when they are going through a major illness or injury or when they are hurting from something. People don't often take those same considerations for others when there is no apparent cause for their behavior. 

We have to face the facts here: most adults with aspergers are undiagnosed, don't even realize they may be autistic and aren't looking for any diagnosis, and even some that are diagnosed aren't sharing that information with the entire world. When you encounter someone who is difficult, its highly likely that they are not just trying to be a jerk. However, in our frustration and anger, instead of trying to understand and help each other, we fly off the handle thinking we know the other person's intentions were negative and we have to respond in anger and such because we don't put up with that kind of treatment. When was the last time we ever stopped to consider that maybe the other person wasn't doing something on purpose, but had a legitimate reason or even misunderstanding for what they did or said? 

That person who told you that your haircut made your face look f at; maybe they weren't trying to tell you how ugly you were (which is how that would easily be interpreted - lets be honest, mostly by women) but they were trying to be honest with you? Aspies are notoriously honest, and if you're fishing for compliments sometimes you have to be up front with that instead of wanting an honest answer. Don't ask for honesty if you can't handle it. And that's just one example of what kinds of things aspies might do. 

I'm not saying all people who seem like jerks aren't really jerks, but honestly, I think we need to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes, and think before we respond. We aren't responsible for what others do to us, but we are responsible for what we do to them. 

Anyway, it may seem crazy how I got to the end from where I began, but I really love how the character of Adam is playing this story and I hope to see much more of this.

Parenthood Does It Again!

So, have I mentioned that Parenthood is the best show on television right now, possibly ever?

Hank's discovery a couple weeks ago on Parenthood is really rocking my world this season. However, I saw this coming from the first time his character opened his mouth. It's been love from first sight. 

I had promised myself I wasn't getting into another show when I was told that one of the characters, Max, has aspergers. That fact alone sucked me in and here I am loving season 5 so much that it hurts.

They are wrapping a possible undiagnosed adult into Max's storyline. Hank's discovery (video link above) was totally awesome. I felt every word because I've said them to myself. I've felt the amazing "I can't sleep because I'm finally finding a place where I'm reading about myself" feeling. They just can't stop with this storyline either, as the weeks after that episode they have topped themselves with more of the same with this character. I can't get enough. The entire show could be about Hank and Max and I would be completely satisfied.

Last night's episode brought Hank even visiting Max's doctor, who gives him an answer of "Jump Ball". Meaning, it could go either way. I don't agree, I think aspergers is definitely Hank's ball. 

Parenthood's own website links to a blog post from the "experts". The posts involved have been disappointing. Although the writer is supposedly an expert in the field, they are using technique used to diagnose a child on an adult, and that just doesn't fly. I signed up for tumblr because I had to respond. 

You can't use the same mentality to diagnose an adult that you do a child. One of the major "holes" mentioned is that Hank doesn't seem to have the major social issues that Max has. I might not have an MD, but I could give you the reason for that one without even thinking about it. It's the same reason that I don't appear to have aspergers, socially, and I had many friends who told me that I am "too social" to be truly autistic. Adults are better at almost anything than kids are based on experience alone. To say that Hank doesn't have aspergers based on his social experiences is to say that a professional poker player never struggled with the game. To me, socializing is a game. In my 31 years of life, I've learned to play the game. I'm very aware of things like eye contact, or listening to see if there's emotional context. You can't do something for 30 years and not learn the rules and how to play. Though it is a spectrum and some of us do better than others based on various factors such as opportunity, family life, level of bullying vs friendships, for the most part, any autistic person of 30 years (or, as in Hank's case, 50) would have by now LONG since developed tools and abilities to become social enough to get by. Sure, we might not be breaking down doors at political events and hosting huge parties, but we can make it through day to day life without being a total hermit. 

The criteria used to say that Hank doesn't have aspergers only goes to show the level of inexperience that the author has with real adult autistics. I'm betting good money on the fact that they don't diagnose adults often, if ever, and they also probably believe that autism is "on the rise" and a "new condition" stemming from this or that - pick your conspiracy. 

However, I disagree on both counts, because there are many people who fully believe that there were autistic people many years ago, and although we won't meet those people and test them based on our criteria, I don't find aspergers that difficult of a thing to find. I see people all the time who could fully qualify from my outside perspecive, (which makes me wonder what the inside perspective is)!

 There are so many brilliant minds that lived before us, and got us to where we are now, and our lives wouldn't be the same without their help and inspiration and focus and determination. In order to succeed, you have to fail a million times. NT people would likely give up after a while, but autistics have the drive and, to put it plainly, obsession to keep trying despite the floor being covered with mistakes. More extroverted or social people would take longer to succeed because they would get bored and lonely after a while, and leave their work behind for more "exciting" interaction. Autistic people have just the skills (or, lack of skills?) to focus tirelessly on their work. Descriptions of them were that they were a little weird anyway, but we hail them as genius because of what their gifts gave us, gifts that likely came from the fact that they were a little weird, a little far off the deep end, a little autistic. 

I realize I'm using "assumed" positions to reason my thoughts here, but honestly, as I've said before, even the lady who did my testing didn't believe that I had aspergers. No one I knew believed me (excepting my mother, who had a very similar discovery to Hank, only about me and not herself). And they were all wrong. 

Far be it from me to even suggest that a "professional" might be wrong, but from what we know of Hank already, and the way that he is portrayed and written so far, he has more than enough qualifications to be autistic. I feel that it's a bit insulting for there to be any connection to any "professional" who makes such claims that suggest that an adult autistic would be much more socially inept, and would have a harder time. Again, if you learn to play poker, you are going to be pretty good at it after a year, and even more so after 50 years. Give Hank some credit as a character. He's not doing well because he's not truly autistic, he's doing well because any of us can learn to play the social game after decades of playing it. Don't dumb us down and call us uneducated just because your "professional" opinion thinks we should be social retards our whole lives. We aren't unable to learn. We aren't brain dead. Don't sit there and tell us how we should act or be as adult aspies. And don't you dare think for one minute you know more about adult aspies than US. WE are adult aspies, and WE know what we are like. You, sir, do not, and you make that quite clear.

My next post (which I will probably write right after this) will be about Adam and Kristina's characters and their little scenes relating to this Hank story.

NBC's Parenthood Jan 8 2012

I love Parenthood on NBC. It is one of the few shows that is one these days (especially in that time slot) that does not deal with demons, criminals, promiscuous sex with everyone on the show, and murder. There is suspense, but it is more of an emotional "been there in my life" type suspense, not a "oh no is that person going to hook up/kill someone/die/solve the crime"? It is a more real show than most on television as well. It is one of two shows that I watch (the other being The Biggest Loser). I could care less about most everything else on tv.

Anyway, one of the main storylines in Parenthood is one they started on episode one: one child's life with Aspergers, and with that all the crazy stuff. It is almost educational. I'm loving it. Max (the character's name) shared so many characteristics with myself that it was one of the things that pushed me in the last couple years to stand up and get myself tested and diagnosed!

The episode that was on yesterday was pretty interesting. The actor (and therefore the character as well) is about the age for puberty. I found yesterday's storyline about this change funny! Mom walks in the room to a terrible odor! Thinking that it was his pet, she asked if he cleaned it, and he said he cleans the cage on Sundays. Realizing the smell was coming from her son, she asks him to go take a shower, to which he response "I only take showers on Saturdays and Tuesdays. It's Monday, so I'm not showering."
She calls in dad, they mention some brief words about changes, like growing body hair, and as he said he already had hair in certain places and proceeds to just about show them she uses the Skittles trick and he showers.

So then dad has to have a bit of a talk. Max, being the Aspie that he is, obviously has googled information in the meantime and is not at all embarrassed about any of it, but stops his dad when he tries to talk about sexual feelings toward girls, which Max thinks is rediculous and doesn't think will happen to him. Obviously, we all know he will, but the point is he knew he had a limit and didn't want to talk about it, and that was kinda cool. 

So I got to thinking about me at that age.
First of all, I was aware that a period would happen eventually, I'm sure my mom mentioned it, but I kinda blew it off until it happened. I honestly could not have cared less. I'm that girl that goes crazy because the doctors would ask me when my first period was, thinking that every woman must remember that HUGE event in their life. I haven't the foggiest idea. It was somewhere between 12 and 14, and I'm completely assuming on that. I NEVER knew if I had a "regular" cycle, I have no idea how many days apart they were, how long they lasted, I don't remember a thing. Even now, I couldn't tell you how long my last period was, when it started, or any other information about it (except now with Fertilitycare we chart, so I would have that information these days..).

I tend to think, then, that people with Aspergers are not only not embarrassed about this kind of stuff, but we honestly don't really pay it any attention at all. We just deal with what we have to deal with and when it's over, there is no relevant, important information that we need to retain, so it just goes out with the forgotten thoughts.

 However, I have a sneaking suspicion that some people are the complete opposite; where it terrifies them so badly that they shut down until its over. I'm not talking about those people who have huge health issues like migraines during their period, I'm talking your standard period being something that they cannot tolerate and throws them so badly off their ability to function that it comes between them and jobs, relationships and other parts of their life, because Aspergers can be like that. 

Either way, for me, I think I was more like Max. I could care less, I took care of business after just gaining what information I thought I needed on the topic (I doubt I googled anything back then!), and moved on with my life. Pretty standard stuff, and pretty much the way I viewed pregnancy, labor and delivery as well. I gained as much information as I could about it, made a plan in my head, dealt with what I had to deal with, and moved on with my life. No sense in being afraid of the process or the pain, just part of the deal and it was over in a heartbeat (practically). 

I think my desire to collect information about things that happen in my life is a tool that keeps me from losing it completely. Aspies don't like change, I don't like change. But change that I understand, know some facts on, that I can study and research, that is something I can deal with. Information is my cure to a lot of stressors in other people's life. Sharing information is my way of saying "Here, you can be as sure as I am about this, just look at this information here, and here, and here....". If you check my facebook feed, most of what I post is sharing links or stuff like that. 

And in true Aspie fashion, I could care less most of the time about the feelings others might have about it, facts are facts. You cant argue with facts (at least not with me). I don't care how you feel about something, if the facts show something, then that's the facts. 

Anyway, I hope Parenthood gets a renewal for another season. I love watching the Max storyline. It is something that is giving us a voice. It is one show that's out there showing us that kids like us don't go off shooting people. It's one thing out there showing people what this life is like, what our brains are like, how we are different. That is good for everyone.