Yes, More. Friendships SUCK

Have I mentioned yet that I have huge trouble with friendships?

First of all, meeting people and making friends. Pretty much impossible without some kind of outside intervention. I don't seek out social opportunity. And usually I try to avoid talking to people when I am out. It usually takes them being completely outgoing and unconcerned that I try to not talk to them. And I suppose most of the time that is why us introverts get called things like "snobby" or "stuck up". Trust me, that is the farthest thing from what we are. All those terms do is shove us back into hiding, and reaffirm our fears that people suck.

I am an all in or nothing kind of person. If I want to be your friend, I'll want to dive in headfirst. I'll want to invite you to things, talk to you about anything, tell you my life's story pretty much.

And again, I think that makes people think im "pushy" or "nosy"... so I've gotten to the point where if you don't offer up the information, I probably am not going to ask. Or, I'll have to spend crazy amounts of time convincing myself that it's okay to ask something. Then I'll probably chicken out a million times, and end up asking you over social media. Because #introvertsrollthatway

Then there's distance.
And even when there isn't distance, there's busy-ness. Being too busy. 

Then there's the lack of return communication. That could mean either they don't respond to me in a conversational way (like, they answer questions so briefly that I feel embarassed I asked them anything), or they see the message AND DON'T RESPOND AT ALL! CURSE YOU SOCIAL MEDIA FOR LETTING US KNOW WHEN PEOPLE VIEWED THINGS!!

That is the worst. I mean, you KNOW that social media shows me you saw it. And you don't respond?

There are rare occasions when I would not respond after reading something, and one of those is when I'm having a bit of a rough time with someone. I have learned, the HARD WAY, to step back a couple of days when having an issue with someone. I get it, I hate it too when someone doesn't respond when they viewed my message.

And don't get me started about not returning text messages, ever. (BROTHER!!!)

But the thing is, friendships suck. I can't stand it. There are all these unspoken rules, there are all these expectations, and I get let down all the time. I think someone is my friend, then they seem like they are completely ignoring me! I can't figure it out! Then they act like they're my bestie for like 5 minutes, and then again we're back to the doubt and the inactivity and the ignoring, or something. 

Seriously.

I don't consider myself a high maintenance person. I don't expect people to hang around me all the time or something.
But a little interaction couldn't hurt, right? 

I think part of friendships is to make each other feel good, right? And there's the not so good parts where they help you grow.
But the ignoring? The half answers?

I feel like I can trust someone, then they just leave me hanging? I mean, I come to you for help, or advice, or something and you just give me nothing, or you give me barely something?

I end up feeling like they hate me. Like I'm just an annoyance taking up their precious time. 

I guess in another post tonight I touched on the fact that I shouldn't expect people to act like I would act in a situation.
But what if I can't help it?
What if I prefer to think people would take the time, and they don't, and I still end up hurt?

I feel like I bond with someone, and they don't agree. Like, unrequited love or something, only this is unrequited friendship.

It is very frustrating and heartbreaking. 

I'm really tired of it.

Special VS Intimate Friends and Autism Part 2

So, I'm going to touch on another bit of comments on this video clip. Please watch the video before reading. 

Start watching this video at minute 5:40 through the end of the video, around 4 minutes of content.

"Ask Dr. Tony"

So far, I think that I have kinda covered the fact that I was indeed interested in intellect, and not physique. It made me feel so good to be connected to these people who just increased my love for learning and the enthusiasm they had just inspired and attracted me to them (and the subject, to be honest).

So this time, I will speak on the next thing the video mentioned, and that is projection.

First of all, I think that this is very true for ALL children, but we project our adult understanding of life onto them far too early and far too often. What I mean by that is it seems like as soon as kids start interacting with other children, we seem to pressure them into this whole "is she your ____friend?" kind of teasing! These kids are still discovering friendship, and we are already pressing adult situations on them? And this only gets worse as they get older, we tease and we poke fun and we have to start having "dates", or something. I don't know what age this really starts in this country, and a part of me doesn't want to know because I would probably be horrified at it being the age my son is or something.

But the fact is that we are pushing our adult relationship understanding onto children who are just barely making friends and working that whole social situation out.

Now, we have to go back to our focus on aspies or autistics. First, we have a rough social life. We have a hard time with the way that the world works, socially, so we likely don't have huge social circles or friendships. It's likely we are already being teased for this difference, or that difference. I believe that kids who are teased by their own parents will tease other kids in likewise, so those kids who's parents are teasing about ____friends will likely also put that teasing pressure on each other, autistic or not, even those people who are not friends.

Second, I feel that autistics have a huge amount of naivety in life. We "don't get it" when we are picked on sometimes because we think that they must not mean it that way, no one would mean to do that, right? We tend to believe people when they say things, we don't "get" the idea of sarcasm most of the time (unless we know the person really well, sometimes not even then). So when someone tells you that the sky is pink, you might start believing them because others, especially adults, must know better than we do, so they must know what they're saying, right? Why would they lie about things? What would they stand to gain?

So when someone tells you that you're in love with someone, you believe they must know what they're talking about. Especially for someone of 12-13 years old, you've lived a while and realized that you have certain weaknesses when it comes to social or friendship relating, so you do tend to trust others, especially if they're your (so called) friends. You don't spend a lot of time telling yourself that they must be wrong - you're the one with the social weakness, they must know what they are talking about because they don't seem to have that problem. After all, you've never experienced love like this before, so you don't really have an idea of what to compare it to. They've had ____friends, so they must know what they're saying right? 

So, people project their opinions, or assumptions, on others. They do it to NT kids, and they do it to autistic kids. Though all kids are likely to believe what is being projected onto them, I think that autistics are especially prone to this because they are already socially vulnerable. Even when it's coming from people who are not kind to us, and who are being mean, we still might believe it because they must know what they're talking about, they don't seem to struggle socially!

I think we have to be careful what we project on our kids. I think kids are far more innocent in their intentions than we think they are. I think kids get pushed into things far before they are ready. I think that this makes them uncomfortable and insecure, and can cause a lot of problems as they grow up. Kids need to just be kids! And kids with autism, diagnosed or not, need to not have to feel pressured into a box of "this is how you feel" - let them define their own experience. 

I have been thinking back about this quite a bit and I think that it all started with me saying that I really liked him a lot. Though that may be NT language for a crush, romantic love or whatever, I don't think that was what I meant. The more I try to redefine what I felt into this kind of intense intellectual interest, the more things just click. 

Someone who knows me from that time might think that I'm just trying to "excuse" my behavior, or deny the past. That isn't it at all. All through this blog and this journey, I'm trying to understand myself through what I am: autistic. I'm trying to make sense of my world, past present and future. Sometimes that means that I redefine what I felt, or experienced, through the autistic lens. All the things that I couldn't make sense of from my childhood makes sense now through the lens of aspergers. This topic is one of the biggest revelations I have made about myself to date. I'm sure there are many other things I have yet to discover, and I am finding this quite fun to see myself in a new light. 

Here comes my echolalia: "I'm not Josie Grossy anymore!"
Because that's kinda how I feel. I wasn't a freak! There is a reason for this or that, and it isn't what it seemed to be!