People Don't Get It

I know people who have small dogs. I have a big dog. And yes, it makes life a little more complicated when you want to go somewhere. Especially if it's a little dog, from what I understand. Maybe either way if you live in town (which we don't, thank God).

The problem is that you can't leave them with anyone else, you have to either take them with, or get some kind of doggy day care or something. One costs a lot and your dog might come home sick, and the other makes your life complicated, again, because you gotta drag a dog around and keep it from dying in your hot car or something.

Now, I don't want anyone to take this the wrong way. Please just relax, I'm only using it as an example.

But having an autistic kid is kinda like having a small dog (or a big dog in town). You can't leave them home alone, you can't find someone who will watch them for you, or you don't feel confident it will go well if you do, so you have to take them with you wherever you go. Which makes life complicated.

I'M NOT SAYING KIDS ARE DOGS. Again, DON'T OVERREACT. 

But isn't there some truth to it? People who have kids with autism probably know what I'm saying. It is really hard to get self care on a daily or weekly basis, but even once in a while when you want to get away together as husband and wife, life gets complicated.

You want to be sure that whoever watches them can watch them in a familiar environment. New environments make them very anxious. Even environments that are familiar have different smells, sounds, foods, cooking tastes, routines, rules, etc. Again, anxiety. Sensory overload. Meltdown.

It is usually preferred to find someone who would watch them at YOUR HOME, where the autistic person is most comfortable and at ease, where they have their own toys and their own bed and their own smells and foods. However, like with watching your dog, no one wants to make things easy for you and actually do that. They don't want to be inconvenienced to be out of their homes, and I guess I can't blame them because I don't want to watch someone else's dog, or kid, in their house either.

Worse, if they refuse to do it because you won't let the child stay at their house. As if it's some kind of justified punishment for you if they use that kind of mental/emotional blackmail to get their way or something.

I'm not really speaking out of any specific person or situation. Just things that I perhaps mostly assume about what people would say or do if we were to ask them. Sure, some of it is pretty realistic, but I'm not as upset about it as it may sound. Life happens, and autistic kids need to sometimes just go with the flow even if the flow sucks for them.

We aren't even the kind of family who go away a lot. I didn't have kids so that I could constantly be hopping around town, state, country, world and leave my kids behind. If I go out of state, my kids come with me because why would I deprive them of the excitement and fun of seeing someplace new? And we have been out of state several times (though not yet with Bonnie, to be truthful). 

But once in a while it's still nice to go away. And this year is one of those years.

We are never sure what to do when we make plans, because B has so much anxiety. We wait until the day before, and he has a meltdown because it's too close and unexpected and doesn't fit into his plans for how he pictured that day or something. We tell him a week in advance and he still melts down all week, and loses his mind about it because he's still so stressed. 

Ultimately, I wish he could just stay with someone here at the house. This is his safe place (how many parents can say that about their kids?) and he is comfortable here. He has his safe places, his happy places, all his toys, it's comfortable here. He has various complaints like smell, or the way food is cooked, about anywhere else. Then there are options we would never choose for other reasons than his sensitivities - I don't go into details on that. 

So you end up worrying about your kid, you know? Will he get any sleep? Will he have a meltdown? Will he use his no service, disconnected phone to call 911 to tell them that his parents went on vacation without him? (Yes. Seriously. Donate your phones, this feature is what helps domestic violence victims get help. They don't even have to have service to have 911 capability.)

And will they understand him there, or will they just think he's being a jerk?

See, that is probably the biggest issue leaving your kid with anyone, family included. Will they just consider him to be a jerk, or brat, or someone who just can't stand being inconvenienced or something? Everyone who knows us knows that he has autism, neither he or us have been shy about sharing that. He is matter of fact about it, so it doesn't bother him.

But really, unless you have a kid with autism, you do not understand what it's like. You do not understand the little mental whys and hows. You don't understand the little characteristics that make him struggle. Yes, smells, sounds and tastes that are different from what he is used to will make him gag. Yes, he won't sleep well. Yes, he is going to go into periods of overactivity out of sensory overload or high anxiety. Yes, when he plays he controls things because he feels so scared of what will happen if he doesn't - the unpredictable way that kids play puts him on edge and makes him nuts.

No, I don't expect you to let my kid bully yours, or whatever. That's not what I'm getting at. I just want you to understand WHY he's doing it. Then you can, if you choose, help direct him out of that anxiety, give your kid the tools to understand that he's not trying to be mean, and it really teaches everybody something. It teaches my kid to loosen up, and it teaches your kid to work with people who are difficult. And it helps you too, because I can guarantee you are going to come across autistic adults who are undiagnosed. I don't believe in this "increase in prevalence", but "increase in diagnosis" due to increased knowledge. And since with adults we just figure some people are "jerks", and they aren't causing trouble in class, adults don't get diagnosed as adults unless they willingly go looking for it.

Anyway. Just venting. Thought about the comparison today and thought it might make a good post. Do YOU have any experience, or tips for getting away without your autistic kid? Any funny stories, horror stories, anything? 

Long Long Trip

So we just got back yesterday from a long, long trip.
A family member of my husband's had died, and since there aren't that many family members my husband cherishes, it meant an emotionally required trip to Indiana.

It was beautiful there. Warm. EVERYTHING was blooming. There are blooming trees everywhere down there. Where I live, if you want a blooming tree, you have to plant it yourself, and HOPE it grows. Most are just apples, and they grow slowly, and some don't do so well at all. We do not get variety and we don't get the "orchard" look, and we don't get the flowering trees up and down the highways and roadsides. It was breathtakingly beautiful. I loved it.

The trip there and back was long. The trip back was longer. We got into Michigan, and it got cold, and Saturday it even snowed where we were driving. It snowed  HARD. I'm talking big, huge, Christmas snowflakes. At least two inches of wet sloppy snow fell. We had to deal with it without winter coats, boots, hats or mittens because who on earth expects it to be 32 degrees and snowing in mid May, especially in Michigan (which is farther south from us in Minnesota).

But all in all it wasn't a terrible trip. We quite enjoyed ourselves, had time to be with the wife of the deceased, and just relaxed. This will be our only family trip this year, I guarantee it. So although it was stressful to have to borrow to do it, it was worth it I suppose, and it was nice to have this as a family before the baby comes and we become a little more tied down for a while. 

I am glad to be home, and I am glad for my family. I can be with them, and not be expected to talk or whatever. I can be in a bubble with them. They can be in their bubbles with me. Traveling is exhausting, being with family is exhausting, but my family recharges me. We had a good relaxing time together. That being said, we did have to have some time to ourselves once in a while too. I took some time after the boys were in bed sleeping and "organized" our luggage and whatnot, hubby got some time in the hot tub by himself at several of the hotels, and Brody had some time to just blow bubbles and relax.

Being on a trip does aggrivate my sensitivities, I am more sensitive as the trip goes on. By the time we were headed home, B was extremely overwhelmed by traveling and not being home. He missed his kitties. He missed his dog. He missed just being home. He missed his routine. He didn't really know how to express this, except he was pretty cranky sometimes. He would throw terrible fits on occassion (though rare, surprisingly). Usually it would happen at bedtime when it was time to leave the pool. I mean, those things would aggrivate the best kid, but he was terrible, even when we gave him time limits and warnings that it was almost time to be done.

I finally did get him to break down a few times. I'm impressed, because I've read about these kinds of emotional outbursts, but I have more trouble controlling MY reaction than dealing with his. When I can remain calm and help guide him into a place where he can tell me what is really going on, then we can get to the root of the problem. It isn't that he is mad about not buying something at the gas station, he is just tired, sick of traveling in the car, and missing home. It works. I don't know how I know, I just know. When you're a mom, you just know. 

Anyway, that is just a short blurb because I haven't posted in a while. Traveling is tough sometimes, but it was really a good experience, and I'm glad I could do this with my family. 

Going Away

One week from yesterday, we are going away! 

My husband has had a really long winter at work. With the added stress of trying to buy his own truck (which he decided against), and dealing with the regular little breakdowns which peaked last week with something to be fixed almost every other load, he is tired, and I am tired too. I'm trying to think of why I might be so tired. Sure, I'm pregnant, but this feels as if its above and beyond. I'm going to say that just as stressed as he has been, I have been for him. It has been a long winter!

So we decided we needed to go away for a couple nights. We honestly shouldn't, we honestly are going to really pull the strings tight this month in order to do it, but it is going to be worth it. We are going to a beautiful hotel that we have always wanted to stay at but never have, and we are leaving our son with some trusted friends who have a boy his age and another younger boy. It isn't an ideal situation from B's perspective, but I think it will work out just fine.

We plan to basically sit in the hotel room the whole time and just relax. I'll bring some books, there will be the TV of course, and the hot tub, and the pool (for the husband because I don't have a swimsuit that fits me right now! LOL).... We might decide to go out for a few things maybe, might take a drive up to Gooseberry Falls, one of our favorite places. And of course since we are in Duluth, on the lakeshore, I'm sure I will find myself down there on the lakeshore. :)

We don't do this. We NEVER do this. Of course, before B, we could do this at home. To an extent, we still can, grandparents love to have their grandkid over. However, there's something special about this year, there's something different about this upcoming vacation, this is the last thing we will do alone together before the NEW little B arrives. :) This is our babymoon. This is the last night we will be alone for quite a while, since we're the kind of parent who believes in keeping our babies near us until they are older.

For family who might be reading this, if you want to help us out here with $, we would appreciate it, but we don't expect it. ;) LOL!
I had teased hubby that he could take me out to a fancy restaurant. I think I will even bring a nice dress to wear just in case that happens. We most certainly have NEVER gone out to a fancy restaurant. Unless you count Olive Garden (which we have a gift card to thanks to a birthday present from some good friends, so we will end up there for at least one meal!)

I cannot wait! This is going to be so nice! I think with my Aspergers, and my hubby's Asperger's tendencies, we both need some time not only alone together, but alone. Like I said, I will probably end up on the lakeshore, and hubby will be in the room watching whatever he wants to watch (something else that he NEVER gets to do!). The only thing I can ask for is that the weather be good for pictures. Not too sunny, but not snowing like crazy either. I should start checking the weather forecasts!