Sleepovers

How do Aspies deal with sleepovers?

I honestly do not remember how I ever did, IF I ever did. I wasn't the kind of person who was invited to go places very often. I do remember a few birthday parties that I went to. One, everyone decided to go snowmobiling, and I didn't think that it was an appropriate activity for a bunch of kids our age to be doing alone and in the dark. Another, everyone else decided to watch a movie that I was sure my mom didn't like, so I went in the other room and played by myself while they watched the movie. (I still havent watched that movie to this day to be honest. It was only Coneheads, but I haven't ever seen it.)

My son is having trouble with sleepovers. He is absolutely fine if the sleepover is at his own house, but to sleep over at someone else's house is a major undertaking for him. First and foremost seem to be the smell of other people's houses gets to him. Or whether or not the house is organized and neat, or not so much. Then there is the food that is served. Though those things are usually not even on the radar at home, when he goes somewhere else they are on the forefront of his mind. I know that the people he sleeps over with are not necessarily offended by his comments, but I am starting to see that he doesn't realize that those comments could be insulting. 

So how did you, or your Aspie kids, deal with sleepovers?

Aspergers & Pregnancy: A Sensory Nightmare

I really enjoy being pregnant. I do! I think every woman does to a certain extent. I suppose, unless you are sick the entire time.

I have found that probably do to Aspergers, and the sensory issues that come with that, I am very intolerant of feeling sick. Motion sickness is not something I can tolerate for the "fun" of a ride at the fair or something. Being ill, especially a stomach ickiness type illness, is very upsetting. It could be something as minor as hunger, and I am very disturbed by it.

Pregnancy sickness was the hardest for me. Putting it into perspective of the flu I ended up with later in pregnancy (with no stomach upset), the stomach ickiness I had at the beginning of my pregnancy was not that horrible. But to me it seemed as if it were the worst possible feeling. It never ceased to bother me. I was very irritable because of the discomfort I felt, and that carried over to everything else. Some people might say that they could still function, that they could busy themselves and almost feel better, or that people should just be able to ignore those feelings of ickiness and move on with the day as if nothing was wrong. I don't know about other Aspies (please leave your feelings about stomach upset in the comments), but for me how I feel physically and how I feel mentally are very tightly connected. To expect me to be able to separate my physical from my emotional and mental is a task I am unable to achieve. 

There have been many other symptoms that I have been intolerant of, but I guess after days and weeks of them they just become a part of the whole experience, crankiness and all. I have been very tired and uncomfortable some days from certain aches and pains, and again, that carries over to my whole emotional feeling. Then of course comes the feelings of guilt that I should be able to be more to others, be more cheerful and helpful and loving, but I cannot seem to be able to get past the physical far enough to cure the emotional.

Then there's other people.
Oh my, other people.
I tread this with caution because though this stuff drives me crazy, I tolerate it with a great amount of patience and respect. I don't mean to make anyone feel rejected or whatnot.

I am the kind of person who doesn't look at other people when I am out and about. I could be walking right past you and I probably will not see you. Eye contact is uncomfortable enough with someone I know and am talking to, it is much worse to even think about making eye contact with random strangers. I have found also that NOT making eye contact with other people means that I am "closed off" enough to not be bothered a lot of times with comments, questions or uncomfortable "hellos" from people - even people I might know, but not recognize.

Of course, near the end of pregnancy, every person you meet wants to talk about it. They want to ask you when you're due, they want to ask you what it is (girl/boy), they want to ask you how you feel, they want to tell you their stories, and worst of all, some of them want to touch you. It is hysterical that no one walks around waiting to touch other people's body parts, until you're pregnant, when it seems like everyone and their mother wants to poke and prod at your stomach. This pregnancy has been rather strange anyway, because my stomach has been sensitive to poking and prodding. Baby isn't bothering me at all, but if I bump into something (even gently), or my son or husband pokes at it, it really does hurt. That's not to say that every person who touches me hurts me, but that is a part of it. The other part is that for some reason I am just uncomfortable with it. Even with people I'm really close to. I can't really explain it, but I am just not the sort of person who does that to someone else because I would feel uncomfortable doing it, or having it done to me. 

It is the part of pregnancy where I just don't want to see anyone or go anywhere, because I'm tired of answering the same questions. Sure, everyone wants to know, and usually other people don't keep those kinds of things locked in permenant memory or anything. That's fine, I don't expect them to. But it sure would be a lot easier if I just wore a shirt that said the when, what and whatevers that people are asking me so that I wouldn't have to. Talking is exhausting. Especially when it is repetitive.

Anyway, I don't know if every pregnant woman feels this way to an extent, or if the Aspie sensitivities and sensory overload is what puts me over the edge. Other Aspies shuold weigh in on this, even men, because it would be helpful to know how Aspie men react to pregnancies too! Men might not carry the babies, but men have symptoms they go through as well. Or, if you didn't have any! 

Long Long Trip

So we just got back yesterday from a long, long trip.
A family member of my husband's had died, and since there aren't that many family members my husband cherishes, it meant an emotionally required trip to Indiana.

It was beautiful there. Warm. EVERYTHING was blooming. There are blooming trees everywhere down there. Where I live, if you want a blooming tree, you have to plant it yourself, and HOPE it grows. Most are just apples, and they grow slowly, and some don't do so well at all. We do not get variety and we don't get the "orchard" look, and we don't get the flowering trees up and down the highways and roadsides. It was breathtakingly beautiful. I loved it.

The trip there and back was long. The trip back was longer. We got into Michigan, and it got cold, and Saturday it even snowed where we were driving. It snowed  HARD. I'm talking big, huge, Christmas snowflakes. At least two inches of wet sloppy snow fell. We had to deal with it without winter coats, boots, hats or mittens because who on earth expects it to be 32 degrees and snowing in mid May, especially in Michigan (which is farther south from us in Minnesota).

But all in all it wasn't a terrible trip. We quite enjoyed ourselves, had time to be with the wife of the deceased, and just relaxed. This will be our only family trip this year, I guarantee it. So although it was stressful to have to borrow to do it, it was worth it I suppose, and it was nice to have this as a family before the baby comes and we become a little more tied down for a while. 

I am glad to be home, and I am glad for my family. I can be with them, and not be expected to talk or whatever. I can be in a bubble with them. They can be in their bubbles with me. Traveling is exhausting, being with family is exhausting, but my family recharges me. We had a good relaxing time together. That being said, we did have to have some time to ourselves once in a while too. I took some time after the boys were in bed sleeping and "organized" our luggage and whatnot, hubby got some time in the hot tub by himself at several of the hotels, and Brody had some time to just blow bubbles and relax.

Being on a trip does aggrivate my sensitivities, I am more sensitive as the trip goes on. By the time we were headed home, B was extremely overwhelmed by traveling and not being home. He missed his kitties. He missed his dog. He missed just being home. He missed his routine. He didn't really know how to express this, except he was pretty cranky sometimes. He would throw terrible fits on occassion (though rare, surprisingly). Usually it would happen at bedtime when it was time to leave the pool. I mean, those things would aggrivate the best kid, but he was terrible, even when we gave him time limits and warnings that it was almost time to be done.

I finally did get him to break down a few times. I'm impressed, because I've read about these kinds of emotional outbursts, but I have more trouble controlling MY reaction than dealing with his. When I can remain calm and help guide him into a place where he can tell me what is really going on, then we can get to the root of the problem. It isn't that he is mad about not buying something at the gas station, he is just tired, sick of traveling in the car, and missing home. It works. I don't know how I know, I just know. When you're a mom, you just know. 

Anyway, that is just a short blurb because I haven't posted in a while. Traveling is tough sometimes, but it was really a good experience, and I'm glad I could do this with my family. 

Examples of plans going wrong...

I wish I had the words to express this the way I'm thinking it.

I plan things. I think naturally, I'm a planner. Although life recently doesn't show it. I fly by the seat of my pants mostly now, but I'm not convinced that this makes me very happy. I like plans.

I even plan simple things, like how my day is going to go.
Example #1: I drive to work planning I will do a certain job. I could either be happy about this particular job I'm planning on doing, or dreading it. When I get to work, often I'm wrong, and end up doing a different job. Again, this can make me happy or disappointed, because I do like different jobs more than others, and in addition, right now I have tendonitis requiring me to wear a splint, and its much harder to do some of the jobs that I used to like. So, these days its harder.

Mostly, I get disappointed when the plan I had in mind doesn't happen.

Example #2: I can plan that tonight I'm going to go for a run. But it rains, the bugs are bad, husband ends up busy and can't be here to watch the kid, or my battery on my phone is too close to dead. Then I end up feeling like the evening is wasted because things didn't go to plan.

Example #3: Family from either side can be visiting. I'll picture that they will come over to my house to visit, maybe we will even make supper. Maybe I'll call to where they are and see if there is a plan. More often than not, family leaves, they NEVER stop in to see me, and I am again disappointed that my plans didn't go as I imagined them, and add in the additional fact that I expect more from family than normal people because of the expectation or "picture" that family is supposed to care about you more than anyone else because they are family. This particular mentality is ever changing and is starting to separate a bit into "family members who will" and "family members who wont" and I am expecting less from certain family members, which hurts, but it hurts less than expecting something they cannot or will not perform.

Example #4: I have plans to go to work. Kid gets sick. Now, I'm very sad for kid who is sick. I want to stay with him and help him when he's not feeling well. But it is a HUGE disruption to my plans, and again, I end up disappointed that I had gotten up mentally prepared to go to work, and now I'm staying home (which I honestly prefer anyway) and I'm upset because that wasn't the plan. This one I recover from quicker than most. :P

Example #5: I imagine the life of someone else. I imagine the things that will happen in their life. I can't wait to see them _______. I don't really have interest in sharing this thought with them, but sometimes and with certain people I do. I also do this in my own life, like imagining I would get married, wait a couple years, and have a kid (which I followed exactly in that order because, obviously, I have control over that!). 

Usually, my "plans" for other people also do not match up to what I have expected or imagined. I KNOW they are imaginary thoughts. I KNOW I have NO control or power over the life, choices, or outcomes of anybody else. Usually, I end up not caring about the results, in the way that its ok, because their life goes on, my life goes on, everything is fine. It is just in the initial period that I'm thrown off. I don't know how to respond to myself and the disappointment that I feel that my picture is now adequately scribbled on in black ink. 

I guess I have always been this way. I like to plan things. Conversations even. This is probably due to the social anxiety, I tend to plan what I'm going to say if I can. This way, #1 I have something to say (because I struggle with coming up with something on the fly..) and #2, I can already prepare words instead of searching for them or tripping over them. I can sometimes feel like I'm stuttering!
In another way, I have conversations that are "planned conversations" but they are more imaginary, for blowing off steam, for all the things I SHOULD have said, or for releasing tension about something, someone, or an interaction or something. Yes, people, I talk to myself. In the car is a great place because no one is there. Now, don't go driving around in my direction to see if I'm talking to myself. I do listen to music a lot as well, and I don't just listen, I SING.

Anyway, I'm just trying to give you some idea about why I might be upset sometimes. I have preplanned something. And when it didn't go the way I pictured it, I feel out of control, or unbalanced, or fretful. This isn't because I'm a control freak or NEED to control you or anyone or anything really, I just like to be prepared for things. I like to imagine whats going to happen so that I can be prepared for any social, emotional, and physical experiences I might have or something.

Emotional surprises are hard for me because I have had no way to prepare for them. Then usually I end up reacting wrongly, regretting how I acted because it wasn't how I truly felt or feel, and .... its just completely awkward. Then I'm wishing for a redo.

This happens to me a lot, and I'm sure that it drives my husband crazy. He is SUCH a good guy, and he hasn't ever been mean to me about it or anything, and sometimes he "lets me have my way", which by the way, isn't usually what will "solve the problem" or help get rid of the mood. Getting my way isn't really what I want, I just wanted things to go how I pictured them, and now theres a "smear" of how it DIDN'T go that way already in there, so it doesn't matter if I "get my way" or not.
Poor Hubby, he asked me to marry him while driving a pickup somewhere. I begged him for a "redo" - for him to do it like I pictured it, down on one knee and etc. He never did. Which I'm willing to forgive him for because he did mean it, and we have a wonderful life together. Is the proposal of "my dreams" worth giving up on for him? Yep. See, sometimes things not going as planned is ok. I just need recovery time. An hour, a day, a year. Whatever. :)

Expectations vs Reality

So this odd thing happened today.

You know how when you are sitting somewhere, and you "plan" on what you are going to do when you can get up and "go", or something?

So, I had a plan about how it would go when I was going to get up and leave. Well, in the meantime, Brody threw a fit, I had to leave before it ended, and I didn't get to "finish" what I planned on doing. Jeff picked up our things and brought them to the car. Very thoughtful, but kinda messed with my groove. Then we ended up getting confused, and I ended up cranky.

See, I make plans in my head, like a way of knowing what to expect. When plans go awry, then I get a little shook up. Top that off with the Brody tantrum that started the whole thing, and I was really shook. This is common, and hard to handle. However, at least now I can look at it out of a lens of Aspergers, and understand that its just a part of the deal, and it will be ok. It gives me a lot more clarity. It helps me to understand why I seem like I'm acting crazy.

Rumors, Rejections, Misunderstanding, Aspergers

 "Ericka may feel quite insecure and/or pessimistic about the future. She may also feel inferior to others, has little self-confidence, and does not always feel capable of solving her problems."

"Ericka has very few friends, and others think she is hard to get to know. She is quiet, submissive, and conventional, and she lacks self-confidence in dealing with other people. Individuals with this passive and withdrawing lifestyle are often unable to assert themselves appropriately and are frequently taken advantage of by others."

"The MCMI-III pattern achieved by Ericka suggests an ongoing conflict between her desire to develop secure and warm relationships and a fear of having to relate to others she cannot or will not trust. Ericka wants to be close and affectionate with others but anticipates disillusionment from such relationships. She may lack self-esteem and expect to be humiliated. Others may have either deprecated or disapproved of her self-expressive attempts. Ericka's relations with others may often be petulant and passively aggressive, causing others to view her possibly as a sulky, irritable, and argumentative person. Occasionally, Ericka may attack others capriciously for their lack of support and for what she sees as their unreasonable expectations and demands. To bind her anger and thereby protect herself against further isolation, she may become anxiously depressed and withdraw into her own world. It would appear that Ericka's daydreaming and moodiness frequently evoke negative reactions from others, which only serve to reinforce her withdrawal tendencies.

Ericka may feel that she is unable to muster the wherewithal to overcome the deficits she sees in her life or to achieve the support she desires from others. Hence, she may vacillate, turning first against herself, expressing feelings of unworthiness and uselessness, then turning against others, acting petulant and irresponsibly. Feeling unappreciated and demeaned by others, she may find that withdrawing and daydreaming provides her with some satisfactions that are otherwise unattainable."

"Ericka displayed strong empathy for animals and children, but her understanding of adult emotions and behaviors appeared intellectualized. Ericka described several situations where, much to her surprise, others had to explain to her that her behaviors were having a strong negative impact on them."

I am once again taken by surprise that someone would take my words to mean something they do not mean. Trying not to get into details here, but fact of the matter is that I try to trust people, and this is the thanks that I get! Rumors are spread about something I "supposedly said", which I didn't actually say at all, and now people are hurt. Of course, I'm hurt too. How could anyone take someone else's words, twist them and then turn around and stab me in the back with them? 

This is a repetitive story that seems to be happening over and over in my life. I think I can trust someone, and BAM! I'm proven again and again that I cannot. DURING the accusation, I blame myself. Tell myself how its highly likely that I did do what I'm being accused of. Desperation takes over, as I try to figure out where and how I went wrong. I search, I ask, I reflect. I find nothing.

Then I'm usually left for very strong emotions. Emotions of anger that I was misunderstood. Emotions of sadness and tears that I am so alone. Emotions of frustration that I'm still living where I am, even though I am finally desperate to get out of here. Frustration that even though I stay out of people's lives and privacy, yet they do not stay out of mine. Fears of being misunderstood. Confusion about how to make it right when apologizing doesn't seem to do the job. Pain that I'm always being used, taken advantage of, and I never know it until its too late and someone else is hurt over something said about me, which is usually a lie.

It's the real life version of a hollywood gossip magazine. If you read it/hear it from there, its a lie. 

Sometimes I know or can find out who has broken my trust, but often I don't know, which makes it worse. Which person out of this group of people could it have possibly been? NOW what do I do? How can I prevent this kind of misunderstanding in the future? How can I be sure this person won't attack me this way again? Why are they doing this? What, is there no one else to gossip about, so we have to pick on that "strange" girl who doesn't hang out with anyone in town (and whom we know nothing about, so really, we don't have any true statements to make about her)? Who are these people and why are they even involved in my life, why do they even care what I do or say anyway?

I remember a time where a friend of mine led me along on this idea we would do something, and I was kinda excited about it. Then at the last minute she pulled the rug out from under my feet, called me all kinds of names, and rejected me and teased me because I would want to do such a thing. It was all so innocent. I was trying to be cool about it, and it was HER IDEA. I won't ever forget it. I feel as if I saw my own "deer in headlights" face and I can't get the burned memory of that experience out of my head. 

Trust me. If I had actually done what I'm accused of doing, NO ONE would learn the lesson more than me. However, if I were the kind of person who would actually have done what I'm accused of, I probably would learn nothing. If I were the kind of heartless person who would talk about someone else in order to ruin their reputation, I guess I probably wouldn't care.

But I do care. I want people's respect. I want my words to be taken the way I mean them, not the way someone gossips about them.
And for once in my life, I would like to NOT take responsibility for something I didn't do. Like I said, my first gut reaction is to be responsible, on the small chance that I DID accidentally or inavertantly say something or do something that could have been misunderstood. I don't want to lie, and to end up finding out I was wrong to defend myself and say I didn't. Unfortunately, this probably ends up making me seem more guilty when I am not at fault. 

I have this bad trait of accepting people. I have this bad sense of judgement when it comes to whom I can trust. I have this inability to screen people for their trustworthiness. I would really like to think that people I let into my little bubble are people I can trust. I am already selective to my social groups because I don't have the time or energy for a lot of drama, and because of these kinds of experiences, I'm protective of myself! So when someone who is apparently IN my little bubble stabs me in the back, I take it as a reflection of my poor choice to let them in. I take it as a reflection of my poor judgement, thinking I could trust them to properly understand me. I blame myself for allowing someone to be so misunderstanding of me as a person, that my words were taken in a way that they were never meant to be taken. They didn't know me well enough to know what I meant by what I said, and that somehow is my fault. I shouldn't have trusted them so completely. I shouldn't have let them into that messy statement. I should have known better than to say something that could have been misinterpreted so badly and wrongly.

So, see, it's my fault. Again, I'm taking responsibility for the fact that someone misunderstood my words, and stabbed me in the back with them. It's my fault I said anything that I should have kept private. It's my fault that I trusted them. I'm praying and searching and seeking for the ability to see where I went wrong. To have some kind of proof I am the "bad person" they say I am. Because I tend to believe people, and what they say, even if I know in my heart they are wrong, maybe there's a possibility that they are right. Maybe I just didn't see it. 

After an examination of the facts, I can discover... "no, wait, I've checked, I'm still pretty sure on my position."

I am heartbroken for the person who was hurt. Not because I got "caught", but because they are being used by someone who misunderstood and twisted something I said to mean something it does not. I am heartbroken because I want to be trusted, and now I don't think they can trust me. I'm heartbroken because they were just as emotional, just as hurt as I am. Because I didn't filter my public use of words good enough. Because I use a "public" place to vent my frustrations at all. Because I use it too much. Because I trusted someone, and I don't even know who, and now I know I can't trust people again. I hate this reminder.

I'm really tired of being used. This kind of life is exhausting. It makes me fearful for someone to have this kind of intentions toward me, especially when I don't know which direction its coming from. Its like being blind and not knowing who smacked you upside the head with a brick.

This is Aspergers. Not able to understand or believe or see why someone would want to behave this way. Being innocent and naive makes it really easy for people to use you. Not understanding the drama, the game playing, the advantage to putting someone else down. How does a person gain anything by lying and twisting and manipulating? How do they sleep at night living that way? If I acted like they say I do, and if I acted like they are, the guilt would eat me alive, and I would probably kill myself, or at the least, self medicate through drugs and alcohol. NO WONDER. Makes things make sense a little bit around here.

I've been taken advantage of. I'm tired of it. You think you know me, you rumor spreaders, you word twisters. God is the only person who knows every single part of me. God knows the intentions of my heart when I post or say things. I'll be honest, I'm not perfect, and my intentions are not always perfect either. But honestly, it doesn't happen often because I consider myself an honest person, and I consider myself to be someone who says what she means, means what she says, and doesn't have any hidden implied meanings or game playing or drama. I don't understand people playing those games with me, why would I play them myself?

 Why me? Why me again?

You know the part in "Never Been Kissed" where she reveals she is a 25 year old reporter who's been beating her brains out trying to impress those popular kids? Then she says they will spend a lifetime putting others down because it makes them feel better - and points to the "nerdy" girl and says "WHY HER!!"

Story of my life. Why me? Why do people want to hurt me? Why do people pick ME as someone to gossip about, someone to tell nasty lies about, spread rumors about? Why are they working so hard to imagine up these words, these situations, these lies, about me? What is so important about me that I'm chosen to be gossipped about. Why isn't there ONE person out there who is willing to be like "You know, I don't think thats true." Why isn't there ONE person out there who could stop the rumors? 

I'm just riddled with emotions, thoughts, confusions, frustrations, fears.

OK! Now that I've posted about it, refreshed your memory back to my original diagnosis information, and elaborated on my thought process.... I'm moving on to my normal life. I'm moving into my head for a few days. If I don't post, please don't think I've given up on the blog, but I need a vacation. Thanks.

Low Tolerance

I consider myself a pretty hospitable person. I try (most of the time) to see the best in people, per say, and I root for the underdog.

However, there is a limit to listening to hooey. 

I can't manage confrontation, so I try to be straightforward, but I'm always worried about what the other person would think. Then there's an awkwardness. Eye contact will disappear with said person(s), and even their friends. Yup. Awkward.

Maybe a part of this is the processing speed. I take what I hear, and I make a quick decision about the intentions. Eventually, I lose the ability to retain patience for the "griping" and something snaps inside. I make a quick decision about the person based on what they are doing/saying. It seems like a "little thing" to others, but its a "big thing" to me.

I have a limited tolerance for absolute bonker-ness. 

I don't know what else to say. I would go into detail, but I don't feel its necessary.
One thing you should know, if you are going to gripe about someone I get along with, or am friends with, don't do it right in front of my face. It affects how I therefore feel about you as a person. 

Downtime and Sensitivity

If I don't get enough time to myself to just be alone, without someone talking in my ear, I fall apart at the seams.

This is unfortunate because B seems to be completely the opposite of that, talking all day long, and wanting to talk to me all day long. A constant voice in my ear, allowing me no time to think or breathe or just be alone. 

I'm considering a schedule right now, but I haven't had the time/motivation/willpower to actually start it yet. I'm being incredibly defeated by stress and busyness... 

I have tried getting up early, but I popped back into the habit of being up late again, so I'm not following through on that either.

I've lost my running vibe, so I'm not doing as well energy wise and depression-fighting wise either... mostly because its summer and its too hot, and if its not too hot, there are deerflies and mosquitoes, and I go overly crazy when I have bugs all over me. Even if its just one bug, EEEK I can't stand it. I might not have tested for sensitivities, but I was asked if i couldn't stand being touched (by other people) - not if i have physical sensitivities to sunscreen, bugspray (greasy), dirt under my fingernails, bugs being on me, the SOUND of bugs around me, ugh ugh ugh! makes me just wanna freak out a little just thinking about it.

I wait all winter for summer, so I can get outside, and summer comes and I remember how much I hate bugs and can't stand the touch of them, the sound of them, the idea of them biting me.... it is all so much for me to deal with. Some days are better than others, but I'm already at a low tolerance point tonight.

I really should get back on the habit of earlier to bed and getting up early. I would maybe feel better about a run in the morning, I might get some time to myself right away, and the bugs aren't as bad in the morning?

Now we have trees in our driveway, so I would have to spend some time moving some of the brush out of the way to run.... and running in the driveway is boring to be honest. But I can't leave B that long to run down the road. 

I have roadblocks, most of which are mental. Hurdling them is easier said than done.