Planning, Children, Unexpected

Really looking for other autistic's input for this one!

So, my whole life I knew exactly what I wanted. And I wanted it perfectly and in perfect order: First I wanted a boy, then a yonuger girl.

Having my first, a boy, was a dream come true. But adjusting to being a mom, though a true joy and dream come true, was difficult. He was intense, tongue tied (I only found that out a couple of years ago), and very fussy (due to the tongue tie, he couldn't nurse without getting tons of air, so he was always full of air. And he nursed A LOT.). Pair that with the autism and he was a fairly high maintenance kid! We weren't sure we would have another, and we knew we had no desire to have another one soon, so we waited.

Eventually, the baby fever returned, thanks to a cousin at a family reunion (and the desire to have my perfect picture with the little girl!). So we started trying and after much difficult months and work we finally had my completed dream come true: a little girl.

So we were done! I had exactly what I had always dreamed of, one of each, boy first. It was as if God literally knew how happy it would make me to have exactly my dream, and He sure blessed me fully and perfectly with that. We were content, and we were done. Autism does not get easier as the kid grows up, but the challenges move from one kind to another. So we were done.

Except that we aren't.

All the cliche things. God has different plans. Wonder baby. We had been saying we were done, and if God had different plans He would have to pull the strings. Even joking about having another one to stop the insane hives I have been having on and off (but mostly on) for the past year+. 

So we are having another one. And I am anxious. Not in a "can't wait to meet the baby" way, but in a "can't wait until the baby is like 6+ months old and things calm down and settle in" way. I don't really particularly love those first months. I love infants, I do. I love their smell, I love their need to cuddle, their inability to move around a lot so they are "safe", babywearing. But I don't like the adjustment period. I don't like that feeling of exhaustion, and the hormonal fluxuations, and the life altering entrance of another person into your home.

We only have 4 chairs, and they fit perfectly around our circular table. 4 people can easily fit into a small sized car (which we someday planned on getting back into again, but, its a van from now on until forever HAHA). We had even numbers. 

All these things are totally unimportant. Seeing that little blob today revealed perhaps a part of this little one's nature: he/she was nestled so closely to the edge that it hardly seemed possible that it was a separate creature. It was interesting to see so snuggled closely to my body. I don't remember the other two looking like that when we first saw them. 

I know that this child will fit into our family and we will wonder how we ever managed without them in it. But for now, I'm left kinda panicky at times, because we had no planned on this. We didn't keep ANYTHING. My sister isn't ready to part with hers yet, so I get to borrow, but I was just looking forward to some freedom. Little B girl has slowed down with nursing and actually can make it most of the night sleeping through. I was just able to leave her and start working a little. I was looking forward to not having to wear a nursing tank anymore :P I've lived in those things for the better part of 2 1/2 years and I was looking forward to a bra again. (Nursing bras are, strangely, ACUTELY uncomfortable, especially when they are made for a time when womens' breasts are likely more sensitive than normal.)

But here we go again. It always works out, so the details I'm not really concerned with. It's just that period of adjustment. Living so rural, with very few friends to support me (and especially having people not understand that what I really want is for them to actually do something that I feel is helpful, like meals and dishes, not watch the baby!) it can be lonely. I'm glad that you see the doctor so often in the beginning because I fully trust her to take care of me and keep an eye on me, and using my past history, I think I know how to at least keep my health up while recovering. And I'm going to INSIST on a tongue tie being cut RIGHT AWAY so that we can hopefully curb jaundice risks and increase breastfeeding success and comfort. That will make things SO much easier.

But I still worry about my overly strong obsession with keeping all my balls in the air. 

I think that the purpose of this baby may just be to help me decide which balls are important, and which balls are not important. I was still of the mindset of "why did my mom always have a mess in the kitchen", but maybe I need to allow us to have a mess in the kitchen. Maybe the surfaces have to be sticky, and my sensory aversion to sticky needs some reduction (kinda like my sensory reduction to bug bites must have been reduced due to the year+ hives...). Maybe I need to let go more. 

No, not maybe, I DO NEED to let go more.

I tend to hold myself to a high standard of perfectionism, and it just makes me feel good to have a clean house, a clean kitchen, and the relief that everything is in its place. I love organization and I'm constantly trying to better my organization all over the house too, so having to have more things again for a baby in the house (in the "way), is really overwhelming. I rejoice when the baby furniture leaves the house! But now I'm considering a stand alone high chair, because of the "only 4 chairs" thing. Yet one more furniture.

I like to plan ahead for things, and my mind is like a rat on a spinning wheel, just trying to plan for where, how, what, its all going to look and feel like. I know I'm going to love it and I'm going to laugh because God knows what He is doing, and that makes me happy. 

But that doesn't erase my aspie obsessions and aspie control and aspie overwhelm.

So, Aspie moms and dads: what was YOUR dream for when you were going to have kids? Did you have any preferences? Did you know when you had to stop? Did you feel like you couldn't handle more, and then got a surprise? I would love to hear your stories, especially if the beginning is like mine, and the ending helps me see a light at the end of the tunnel, at least from your experience and perspective. 

THANKS!

Examples of plans going wrong...

I wish I had the words to express this the way I'm thinking it.

I plan things. I think naturally, I'm a planner. Although life recently doesn't show it. I fly by the seat of my pants mostly now, but I'm not convinced that this makes me very happy. I like plans.

I even plan simple things, like how my day is going to go.
Example #1: I drive to work planning I will do a certain job. I could either be happy about this particular job I'm planning on doing, or dreading it. When I get to work, often I'm wrong, and end up doing a different job. Again, this can make me happy or disappointed, because I do like different jobs more than others, and in addition, right now I have tendonitis requiring me to wear a splint, and its much harder to do some of the jobs that I used to like. So, these days its harder.

Mostly, I get disappointed when the plan I had in mind doesn't happen.

Example #2: I can plan that tonight I'm going to go for a run. But it rains, the bugs are bad, husband ends up busy and can't be here to watch the kid, or my battery on my phone is too close to dead. Then I end up feeling like the evening is wasted because things didn't go to plan.

Example #3: Family from either side can be visiting. I'll picture that they will come over to my house to visit, maybe we will even make supper. Maybe I'll call to where they are and see if there is a plan. More often than not, family leaves, they NEVER stop in to see me, and I am again disappointed that my plans didn't go as I imagined them, and add in the additional fact that I expect more from family than normal people because of the expectation or "picture" that family is supposed to care about you more than anyone else because they are family. This particular mentality is ever changing and is starting to separate a bit into "family members who will" and "family members who wont" and I am expecting less from certain family members, which hurts, but it hurts less than expecting something they cannot or will not perform.

Example #4: I have plans to go to work. Kid gets sick. Now, I'm very sad for kid who is sick. I want to stay with him and help him when he's not feeling well. But it is a HUGE disruption to my plans, and again, I end up disappointed that I had gotten up mentally prepared to go to work, and now I'm staying home (which I honestly prefer anyway) and I'm upset because that wasn't the plan. This one I recover from quicker than most. :P

Example #5: I imagine the life of someone else. I imagine the things that will happen in their life. I can't wait to see them _______. I don't really have interest in sharing this thought with them, but sometimes and with certain people I do. I also do this in my own life, like imagining I would get married, wait a couple years, and have a kid (which I followed exactly in that order because, obviously, I have control over that!). 

Usually, my "plans" for other people also do not match up to what I have expected or imagined. I KNOW they are imaginary thoughts. I KNOW I have NO control or power over the life, choices, or outcomes of anybody else. Usually, I end up not caring about the results, in the way that its ok, because their life goes on, my life goes on, everything is fine. It is just in the initial period that I'm thrown off. I don't know how to respond to myself and the disappointment that I feel that my picture is now adequately scribbled on in black ink. 

I guess I have always been this way. I like to plan things. Conversations even. This is probably due to the social anxiety, I tend to plan what I'm going to say if I can. This way, #1 I have something to say (because I struggle with coming up with something on the fly..) and #2, I can already prepare words instead of searching for them or tripping over them. I can sometimes feel like I'm stuttering!
In another way, I have conversations that are "planned conversations" but they are more imaginary, for blowing off steam, for all the things I SHOULD have said, or for releasing tension about something, someone, or an interaction or something. Yes, people, I talk to myself. In the car is a great place because no one is there. Now, don't go driving around in my direction to see if I'm talking to myself. I do listen to music a lot as well, and I don't just listen, I SING.

Anyway, I'm just trying to give you some idea about why I might be upset sometimes. I have preplanned something. And when it didn't go the way I pictured it, I feel out of control, or unbalanced, or fretful. This isn't because I'm a control freak or NEED to control you or anyone or anything really, I just like to be prepared for things. I like to imagine whats going to happen so that I can be prepared for any social, emotional, and physical experiences I might have or something.

Emotional surprises are hard for me because I have had no way to prepare for them. Then usually I end up reacting wrongly, regretting how I acted because it wasn't how I truly felt or feel, and .... its just completely awkward. Then I'm wishing for a redo.

This happens to me a lot, and I'm sure that it drives my husband crazy. He is SUCH a good guy, and he hasn't ever been mean to me about it or anything, and sometimes he "lets me have my way", which by the way, isn't usually what will "solve the problem" or help get rid of the mood. Getting my way isn't really what I want, I just wanted things to go how I pictured them, and now theres a "smear" of how it DIDN'T go that way already in there, so it doesn't matter if I "get my way" or not.
Poor Hubby, he asked me to marry him while driving a pickup somewhere. I begged him for a "redo" - for him to do it like I pictured it, down on one knee and etc. He never did. Which I'm willing to forgive him for because he did mean it, and we have a wonderful life together. Is the proposal of "my dreams" worth giving up on for him? Yep. See, sometimes things not going as planned is ok. I just need recovery time. An hour, a day, a year. Whatever. :)