I Am SOOOOO Done With Anxiety

I don't know why. I don't know what. All I know is that for several months now I have been hit hard with some awful, terrible, no good, very bad, overwhelming, life altering, drop dead anxiety, and no matter what I do so far, I can't kick it.

I could take a walk (or two) every day.
I could eat better (but I do eat rather okay mostly I think).
I could pray and read the Bible more.
I could listen to better music.
I could watch less TV.
I could use screens less.
I could exercise.

But you know what? I really can't. It's almost as if you know the cure is just a foot away, and you can't take one step to get there. You're paralyzed. 

All the info out there telling people what they should do, how they can cure, recover, heal, whatever. All of it means nothing when you literally feel so overwhelmed you just want to sit on the couch all day watching movies (or letting the kids watch movies) and play nonsense on your phone.

We haven't had insurance either, so I haven't been able to just go see my doctor. Applying for insurance while self employed is no easy thing. They have these nice little "assistants" to help you apply, but when I went to see her, she wouldn't even look at what I had, I had to have calculated some perfect and pretty little number for her before I came. And that's the PROBLEM - I don't know how. I had to have some serious back and forth with our accountant to figure it out and I still honestly do not know if its going to be okay. I submitted it, finally, after two months since having it restarted (not counting the 6 months of not knowing what to do, figuring we could use our tax return, finding out we had to cancel the kids in order to reapply for all of us, finding out we couldn't use last years tax return at all...). That is finally not hanging over my head anymore.

But they will come back and ask for proofs, I'm sure. Then I'll have to send them our handwritten documentation (because that's just how we are doing it at this point) and they will probably not have a clue what they are doing and will make it a huge mess. So, I may have submitted the forms, but I still can't see my doctor because it isn't finalized yet. B lost his insurance too so they won't even send his lady until thats sorted out too. I figured they would just wait for reapplying and back pay, but I guess not. So that's a major bummer as well.

Then it rains this dreary, cold rain for like 2 days and I feel so terrible!

Its just over a week until we leave on our big trip.

It makes me wonder if this big trip is what's causing me so much anxiety! I mean, it is a bit daunting, thinking of traveling so far (for the first time as a family), into the mountains a bit (which can be both scary roads and height sickness - tho I hope the little mountains will be ok), with three kids, one of which is a suspicious toddler.. but I thought I was excited about it! I have it all "under control" - I have started my list writing so I don't forget anything I think I need, but I still feel stressed out about getting it all packed. You can't really pack your clothes and not wear clothes all week. 

And hubby ends up not working, after only 3 days of good hauling again, because they have to move to a new job now. Seriously, I'm not prepared for that. We are still learning what it is like, what it is going to look like, working for ourselves. The money is better but there are other responsibilities too, plus waiting around if its "too wet to work", which is what it's been like pretty much all spring.

I just have so many fears, and as a Christian we are told that we are not to fear, that we are to give them to God.
Why do I find that so much easier said than done?
Why do I just pray and pray in my mind and in the night that God would just take this all from me, that I would be able to wake and live in peace like I had been before this all started, only to find it constantly crippling me?

I've been working on my perfectionism - listening to a great podcast about it. I'm learning quite a lot, and I feel like I can let go of some of that perfectionism, and especially since having #3, I have come a long way.

But I think the devil knows that I'm trying to break free, and so in response he is trying to drag me down even deeper into his horrible, depressive pit.

I think it seems to work around my cycle too, proving that it's probably related to my hormones again. They could suppliment my hormones, but if they do that my milk would dry up, and I feel like if there is one thing I'm doing well in my life, one thing that's going well, one thing that's making me feel like I'm succeeding at something, anything. 

I just want to be past this portion of life. I want to be over it. I guess no, I don't want to go back to the more superficial life, but I want to not get so overwhelmed. I want to be less tired all the time. I want to feel like going outside and doing things. I want to be happier, and healthier. I want to be able to have the strength, motivation and energy to do the things that will make me happier and healthier.

I don't know. I just know that I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I'm trapped about how to get out of it. Right now, as I said, insurance is keeping me from seeing my doctor and getting physically (and hormonally) checked out. So now I feel tied down to someone else's ability to act on things so I can act on my end. :( 

I'll get through this, I always do. God always brings me healing after depressive episodes. In the meantime though, I'm left to suffer through it minute by minute some days.

Secondary Disturbance

So, I recently heard about this thing called 'secondary disturbance', and it was something I had never considered. How many times, I wonder, have I been anxious about being anxious?

When I was in school, I would regularly get a sick and icky feeling quite often, but even more often when it was winter, or dark and cloudy, or something sad/bad/frustrating was going on. It was a feeling as if the world was all in grey. My stomach would just ache and feel horrible, and all kinds of other random things.

On the rare occassion that I would feel okay, I wonder how many times I psyched myself into being sick again just by worrying about whether or not I was going to feel sick again. 

Anyone else have a similar experience?

I think I'm doing it to myself lately, since I have frequently not been feeling well. I think I may have been a bit anemic, and switching up a vitamin I seem to be feeling mostly better. But I am still occassionally having a stomachache that I think fits this description of 'secondary disturbance' better. I may just be worried that I might feel sick again, and feeling sick makes me feel panicky that something else is wrong, and I'm literally making myself sick worrying about feeling sick and worrying that being sick means something is seriously wrong with me!

Anyway, short post today, but I had to get that off my chest.

Anxiety

I have daily anxiety. It is just a part of life for me. It is an "accessory" to my Aspergers. It's like the belt to your jeans. The top to your bottoms. Depression and anxiety just go hand in hand with who I am, and how my brain works. Perfectionism is stuffed in there too.

I don't like to let myself down, but I don't like to let others down either. And I have a tendency to think I can do things, even if it's too much for me. I somehow think I should be able to do it all or something. 

I haven't had an anxiety attack in perhaps years. It has definitely been since before I was diagnosed. I can't even remember exactly when the last one was, because I probably didn't recognize it as an anxiety attack. But I do remember the hyperventalating, and uncontrollable crying "reflex". 

Today things finally caught up to me and I finally broke down. I haven't been home in 5 days. Skipped right over my cleaning day, so the house hadn't gotten clean. Almost ran out of diapers with no exact plan to when I'm going to wash them (I did get them in this morning, and we didn't run out, whew). Didn't even make it to the grocery store on my normal shopping day, had to go after work today and in a hurry too since the hours of our local grocery store are frustratingly early on Sunday. After a long few hours at work, very tired, and upset stomach (thanks, baby), and a hip that has returned to popping out all the time, either thanks to pregnancy or work. And tomorrow (or tonight) I have to run to the CU so that I don't end up bouncing checks tomorrow in a bad way because I didn't have any idea when our new internet was going to go through. I guess I didn't realize we were, like, automatically signed up for auto pay, but apparently we are, and that was the same money I spent on groceries tonight too.

And I was going to work tomorrow.

I think I should be able to do all these things, but it is becoming clear that I can't. I hate letting people down, saying I would do things and now not being able to. OR even the guilt that I'm letting myself down, thinking I should be able to do it, handle it, but my system won't let me. I'm rather introverted by nature, but right now I would like nothing more than to crawl into a hole and sleep and not be bothered.

But I still have a family. And they have needs, like eating. It's already been a lot of work to find something I can stand to think of eating, and I have to cook something for them that isn't something I can handle so that I don't run out of things to eat... but kids still need to eat. And they need to be cleaned, and their messes need to be cleaned, and their dishes need to be cleaned and their clothes need to be cleaned, and the floor needs to be cleaned because even though it's just been swept, little B thinks her food goes there when she's done, instead of just saying "I'm done" - which I KNOW she is MORE than capable of saying. 

And they just need their mama too. 

And mama needs herself.

I have wondered what it feels like to people with autism or anxiety attacks to not be sure you're going to be able to keep breathing. I remember now. This was definitely an anxiety attack, and I felt like it was rather bad. Of course the tipping point was an inability of anyone else to make dinner without my instructions (they're on the box for crying out loud), and the fact that I never ask anyone for help, and the one time I need help or a break, it seems like it's too much to ask. NO WONDER I don't ask for help! How can you dare ask for help or put a "ball" down when you get treated as if it's just too much for someone else to step in for a while?

I need a wife.

This is definitely for counseling. I've been planning on it anyway, but now I'm going. 

It's not going to get better when I'm stuck under an infant, exhausted and overwhelmed and unable to manage going to the bathroom.....

I just can't trust that others will step in when I need help. I guess that's normal and common with ASD too. Doesn't make it any better, but it's true. 

I'm broken today. I'm breathing a bit easier but I'm still precariously at the edge of the crying and breakdown cliff. I wish that the kids were asleep so that I could just zone out and shut down a few more "mommy senses" to get more rest. 

I don't know how working parents do it. I really don't. I have never liked to work, but with kids its magnified to a whole new level. It makes me wonder why people spend so much money that they have to both work. I can't even imagine single parents, that's a whole new level of sadness. 

I just can't. 

Stress Gives Me Hives

Last year, right around when spring finally arrived where I live, I began to have hives! When I went in to see a doctor, they figured it was scabies and gave me a prescription for the cream for that. Since B-girl and I bedshare, I had to treat her too, and the first time I also treated B even though he had no symptoms. This was miserable because you have to coat yourself in this icky lotion, and regular lotion already drives me nuts, but you have to coat your whole body with that stuff, and its slimy and ick... and B-girl was a baby so I was nervous about putting what's basically an insecticide on my infant. 

They seemed to go away but came back. I thought, well, I didn't retreat in a week like it says you may have to do, so I'll retreat. Didn't work. Once more? Still have hives.

Either suffered through or something until I could get in with a dermotologist. He tested me for a list of things like lupus and whatnot, and gave me THREE meds to take to try to shut them off. They did practically nothing. I say practically because a month and 10 pounds later, I find out one increases appetite, and is used to help little kids gain weight sometimes. Sure worked on me, as a breastfeeding mom you're used to having to have a snack, but apparently, it went a little farther than even that, and BOOM 10 pounds. Thanks a lot.

Complained to the derm enough that he finally sent me to an allergist. Tested me for allergies and found out I am allergic to dogs, cats, grass and ragweed. I have 2 indoor cats and the outdoor dog. He kinda stopped the train, determined the cats are the issue, rid the cats, rid the hives, problems solved. 

Except anyone with pets will tell you that contemplating getting rid of your pets is a very hard thing to do, especially if they are cats like mine who keep mice from getting around in my house and on my surfaces. I'll choose hives over mice on my surfaces and in my clothes and house any day.

Christmas was miserable, but its stressful with family and business and we went to some family friends who has a LOT of cats (and other animals) so it is hard to say which is worse.

See, hives can be caused by about a million different things, from allergies like I discovered I have, and stress, monthly cycle, heat, friction/scrapes, sun, cold, food, etc etc etc and it can be extremely difficult to hunt down the exact cause. 

However, recently, I found out (via EWG) that borax has a high risk of skin reactions and asthma, among other things. I skip using my borax/washing soda/oxyclean laundry detergent mix for a while. Then one day I decided to wear a shirt I hadn't worn (and therefore hadn't washed) in a while, and BOOM - hives wherever the shirt touched me. It had been washed in the borax mix, and gave me hives again. 

This past weekend I had a busy busy few days. I had to go to St. Paul for a homeschool convention. First of all, I don't LOVE the cities. (Except the view, from a distance LOL). It is interesting to look at but I hate driving down there, I get lost in new places, and in the cities its always new because of constant non stop road construction. And St. Paul isn't a town I've been in more than once (maybe). So I was nervous. I am grateful for that whole phone has GPS thing, because she just tells me exactly where to go and be on the road, and that is helpful. 

Friday I met my niece at Como so she could watch my kids while I was at the conference. Figuring I had such good parking, and I hate driving down there, I though, "well, lets just take the bus!" 

RIIIIIIIIGHT. 

What I learned after getting on the bus and going all the way to Minneapolis and back to the same bus stop again was that I got on the bus on the wrong side of the road. That's all I did wrong, but it took forever, and a bus switch at "the end" to get there. Then on the way back, I got on 3b instead of 3a, and ended up on Front Ave instead of Como/Horton. So I had to get off at Snelling and walk toward Como from there some 8 blocks. And this entire trip back I was wrestling with my purchased curriculum and other helps, in bags that were heavy and ripping! I had my brother go to the bus stop I got on the bus at there, but then found out I was way down the street so I had him start walking my way while I struggled his way. At some point his gf went and got her car, and picked us up which rocked. Got back to the zoo where the kids and niece were waiting and was completely and totally overwhelmed and exhausted. And starting to get some real nice hives, especially where the bags had been hanging on me. 

That night was exhausting and full of hives. Ice was my friend. 

The next day went a lot smoother, a friend who was watching the kids that day drove us down there and they went right across the street to the Science Museum while I was at the conference. I didn't have to buy anything but found a few more helps so I had a few more things. The day went well, no bumps in the road, even lots of extra time and a great lunch. Lost my water bottle, but found it right away at the first vendor I thought to look at. Since we were parked right across the street it wasn't much of a walk to get to the car, and boom, it was no problem getting out of town either. And believe me, I drove almost directly home only stopping once to eat something and use the restroom, and B-girl slept the entire drive. Hives were bad all the way home. 

I was so bummed because they had been good for the past 3 months, only showing up to tell me it was that time of the month, and going away after that. I had a good 2-3 weeks of no hives there for a while! Now I was going home to my cats, where supposedly I assumed they would only get worse. 

Want to know something funny? They didn't get worse. In fact they got better and they're pretty much gone today. 

So, are the cats really bothering me? Is it because theres grass growing in the cities and not here, and what happens, then, when our grass starts growing? Is it just stress that brings them on? Was it laundry soap used on our sheets in the hotel, or the whole pressure hives from the bags I hauled? Or heat? 

Things I guess there aren't any answers to. 

In the mix of all this, I lost some things, I know for sure of one item and a receipt, so I have some contacting to do yet today on that. So maybe stress really was killing me? Maybe stress is all it is that brings them on in the first place? And how on earth am I going to stop these hives from happening every single time I have to do something or go somewhere?

Overwhelming & Exhausting

I am  30 years old, and I'm still learning about myself.

With the recent birth of my baby, I have realized that I have more signs that I need rest than I realized. Obviously, the normal "feeling tired" type symptoms aren't the only indication.

I get an odd feeling in my head when I am needing rest desperately. It is hard to describe. It almost feels like my head is heavy, almost as if I'm not in my body, and though I have never fainted, I would probably describe it as an almost faint feeling.

I have choices when I feel this way: ignore it and go on feeling miserable, or sleep. With a new baby and 6 year old, sleep is hard to come by, but I'm learning that the sooner I can get to sleep, the sooner I can feel better and get over that icky feeling! I hadn't ever really realized that this was a tired signal, I almost always felt it was something else, like a panic attack or something, because I don't often get overtired, but I do get overstressed sometimes. Usually this feeling comes when I'm overwhelmed and overstressed, so of course I connect it to a panicky type feeling. But I am realizing that even when it is caused by some kind of stressor, sleep is the cure! 

A lot of Aspies feel that sleep is their cure for overwhelming times, moments, feelings and emotions. What are YOUR signs of overstress or exhaustion, and what are your cures?

Holidays

I haven't posted in a long time again. I don't think I have been able to think of something new to say. It's been "the season" - and I've been feeling sick and very tired.

I have a very low tolerance to stomach upset. This is frustrating because for someone with Aspergers, depression, and generalized anxiety, stomach upsets happen frequently, especially with the anxiety. I will tell you, during these times, its pretty difficult to do anything. I feel completely disabled.

I recently read an article talking about the gut and the brain, and how they are connected. I wish I had saved the link. But anyway, the point of it is that if your stomach and gut is imbalanced, your brain is going to be off, and to flip that is also true. If your head is out of whack, your stomach and gut is going to be affected.

 This is completely true for me. If my stomach is upset, then there is an unavoidable reaction in the brain - almost to the point of feeling disabling. I am unable to function normally when my stomach is upset.

This isn't because I'm a wimp, or whiner, or something like that. Believe me, I'm a pretty obsessed person, and I like to keep my house in order and clean, for example. However, the state of my kitchen sink can give you a clue as to whether or not I'm tolerating or barely scraping by. And lately it's looked more like barely scraping by than tolerating. Because I am barely scraping by. I'm rather lucky to have a new cereal bowl when I happen to start to get low. It's a good thing I have a dishwasher, though for a while there we had no detergent for said dishwasher, and I had to hand wash... I did them all in the morning while I was still feeling good...

I'm not making this up.

There is a total connection between your gut and your head!

And therefore, also, a connection between your head and your gut!
If I'm anxious about something (which is often), I tend to get so anxious about it that I can have feelings of illness.
This might be what's going on with me right now, but I have to wait another week and see if I feel any better.

Christmas is coming. And with Christmas comes the stress of people coming (and not being here as long as I would like), and going (much sooner than I'd like), and important conversations to be had with certain someones, and nerves involved and upsets involved with certain conversation. Add to that the increased amount of stress of having people staying in my house (just my brother and his girlfriend, but I'm still in a period of getting to know this girlfriend, so though I like her, I'm still a bit anxious because I don't KNOW her or something...)... cooking, making sure there's food, and then there's the whole money situation, and gifts (See This Post and This Post) and the fact that I was not able, for the first time, to get everything I wanted to get for everyone.... There is a whole lot of stress going on inside my head, and I'm starting to think (and hoping, actually) that what's going on in my head is what is causing all the stomach troubles. This means that maybe in a week, it will all be gone. That would be nice.

I don't know why I'm an anxious person. From what I remember, my therapist indicated it is a "gift" of Aspergers. It just goes hand in hand with it. I feel guilty for not following "be anxious for nothing...", but I often wonder how much of that is under my control. After all, I cannot decide to not be autistic. I can't decide to not be reserved. I can't convince myself to be less socially awkward. If I could do all that, do you think I would CHOOSE to be like this? I'd like to be more comfortable in social situations, not feel like I have to "hold someone's hand" just to get through it. This is just the way it is. So is that the way it is with my anxiety too? It is just what it is. That doesn't mean I'm immune to the stress and physical symptoms of anxiety. Knowing I tend on the anxious side doesn't stop the anxiety. Knowing God's got this is a fact; and I know it. That still has not stopped it. 

I am pretty grateful, most of the time I function pretty well. I'm not "worldly successful" or anything, but I can run the house and keep things from dying. I have a lot of talent and passion for things, and stuff like that. But there are a lot of periods of darkness, and maybe this is just one of those times.

I have often found it interesting that I tend to not worry about things that other people worry about. Luckily, my husband and I rarely stress out at the same time. Usually when I'm anxious about something, he isn't. When he is, I'm not. In that way, it works out pretty nicely, because at least one of us has a hold on ourselves all the time.

Anyway, I got off track. Basically, the holidays are driving me nuts, and I'm seriously considering taking a vacation next year. Going away somewhere. Somewhere warmer, perhaps with a bit of color. I look outside the past few days and with the heavy snow covering everything, and the trees in their dark winter coats, and the sky in a blanket of clouds, it could easily be said to be a black and white photograph. I need some color! That's why I painted my living room an odd bright blue for a while. Anyway. Here's your "black and white" pictures of the day....

Diagnosis is 90% of the Cure

Before I even start this post I want to be clear: I am among a large group of Autism Spectrum people who DO NOT BELIEVE Autism needs to be cured. Just want to make that clear (based on the title, it could appear otherwise).

When I say "cure", I simply mean "manageable" or "less stressful".

This weekend I went to women's retreat. This is an entire weekend, Friday night thru Sunday afternoon, where there are usually close to 400 of us women in one resort. We have a lot of seminar/meetings, meals together, more classes, more meetings. Usually it amounts to 4 large whole group meetings, and 2 smaller divided times for 4 different presentations, as well as 4 meal times as a group.

The only problem with this is that there is very little down time. Between the large groups, the small groups, there is almost literally no time at all to be by yourself, unless you skip a class. And for me, I go for the meetings, so I am very hesitant to skip one at all, and in addition, it is in the fall, in MINNESOTA (who scheduled this at this time of year!?) so its COLD, and not a whole lot of fun to be anywhere but inside anyway. This year it even snowed, which made it worse for me. 

This is only the second time I have gone to women's retreat. Last year I felt as if I wanted to smack people in the face. Not because they were doing anything wrong, specifically, but because I was internally so empty, I had nothing left. My bucket empties when I'm with people, and it only refills with time alone to do what I want, and again, no time to refill the bucket. 

This year was different. Now I KNOW what I'm dealing with. I KNOW why I feel that way. I KNOW my tendency to be overwhelmed and empty. I did manage to sneak away after a couple of the meetings. After the Friday night meeting, I went out behind a tree by the lake. It was my favorite kind of tree - a weeping willow. As I stood under there, I could breathe. I thought about sitting down on the ground (it had not snowed) and when I did, apparently I spooked a beaver about 5 feet out into the lake, who smacked his tail a few times, and scared ME! I took some pictures and just relaxed a while. 

By the end of the weekend, I think I was overreacting a little over text to my poor husband, (but really, asking 800 times this weekend if I was coming home yet IS kinda annoying), but I was at least able to say that this is normal for me. I will be just fine. It isn't that people are trying to be rude or mean, I'm just overwhelmed, exhausted, and my bucket is empty! All I had to do was be patient with myself, knowing that its just a few hours until I would leave and have the car to myself all the way home. AH! :)

And I had a quiet ride back. 

I did have some people I followed back at least part of the way (luckily, the part that it was snowing the most). So that was nice, at least I knew if I went in the ditch I would have someone right there. lol

I could have ridden with them, and saved the gas money. But I honestly NEED that time in the car alone. If I didn't have that, I wouldn't have anything when I got home to a husband and son who missed me very much! I also got lucky and got home while hubby was loading the truck (with son with him) so I got to unload the car, unpack and get "organized" after getting home, as well as sit and watch part of a movie, all before they got home. So that was nice, and helped my bucket to be extra full for my son and hubby. :) So it ended up being a good relaxing evening. We even went to bed SUPER early (I did not see the clock read 8 PM last night, which is UNHEARD of, even though I could have found a lot to read or play on my phone!)

So, as the title implies, KNOWING is 90% of my "cure". KNOWING that I have Aspergers, the social limitations that go along with that, and the needs I have being the person that I am, it makes life a lot more enjoyable and easy to deal with. I know MUCH more about who I am, and why I feel the way I do sometimes. I wished that every person could find out for sure, could know for sure. I wish that 100% of people knew more about Autism Spectrum (as well as many many other conditions/personalities/diseases/handicaps/etc) so that instead of being afraid of the different, we can understand each other better, and understand each other's needs, and be more able to provide for others the things they need in their life and their situation. KNOWLEDGE = "CURE"

Frustrating Times

Lots of stuff going on lately. I haven't had time to post, and I shouldn't be posting now because it's so late.

I am having to working 6 days this week.
Well, 5 1/2 because yesterday (sunday) I left at lunch to go home and paint the living room. Which is another issue.

Things have been stressful. We've been planning this painting for a long time and it's good to have it all done. We still have a lot of work to do on the trim and stuff but the major job is finished. Some really great friends drove 2 hrs one way with their 4 kids to come up and help us! (You don't know who you're true friends are until you need help!)

Well we slept in the house last night and everything seemed fine. Though today I'm not so sure they are. B ended up sick this afternoon/night. With what he has been able to describe and based on his odd behavior otherwise and lack of fever or whatnot, I think there is a paint inhalation issue. So we just escaped to my inlaws house for fresh air to hope that helps!

But between the stress of that job, the house being torn apart with stuff everywhere, and knowing I have to work 6 days in a row, and likely next week too.... I am a bit stressed and I think that is rubbing off on B. there have been times he has been sick before where excitement or anxiety has seemed to be the only reason he was sick. High strung maybe. It's a family trait. Lol.

So I'm hoping that it doesn't happen anymore. The poor kid. And the poor mama racking my brain trying to figure out what the problem might be, what to do, if a trip to the ER 45+ minutes away is worth it or necessary... I guess we will see.

I'm going to be so exhausted when this week is over. Come to think of it I'm already exhausted and I'm only at day 2.