REFER: The Spoon Theory

I just read about this today, and it really amazed me. Her situation is different, of course, but the story can easily be changed to any other one of these "invisible" disorders, from autism to depression and anxiety, or whatever. 

The Spoon Theory

I felt really close to this post. I can't tell you how many times I have chosen not to do something because I was "out of spoons". And then I beat MYSELF up for not being able to just do whatever, because an adult "should" be able to handle and do it all, right? Especially when others who seem to have more to deal with than I do can do it. Why can't I? 

It's even worse to think that other people are thinking that about me.

I wonder how many people wonder and complain that I can't go to their houses, or something. I wonder how many people get upset and don't visit me because I can't seem to visit them. I wonder if there are people who get frustrated that they always have to choose between "my turf" or nothing at all. 

Maybe thankfully, I don't have many friends geographically close enough to me to bother visiting. I mean, for me, an hour isn't that far to drive for a friend, and I have done it on more than one occassion. In fact, I've driven twice to four times that distance for friends or family plenty of times, only to not have them return that respect in my direction.

However, to be honest, I just don't have enough spoons for that. It gets very exhausting very quickly. Usually I've used up tomorrow's spoons simply by cleaning the house and packing to leave on a trip somewhere. I'm only in the past few years learning enough about myself and my limitations to know that even though I have to plan to feel control over our travel, I need time/a day to do nothing and decompress and recover the lost spoons.

I still don't give myself enough of a break on this. I push myself until I'm past my abilities. I'm not very easy on myself about this! But maybe this idea will stick in my head and help me to be more aware of my limitations. 

Now, if I only had a tool to know when I'm reaching my limit. You see, though I agree with the spoons, I don't know how many spoons I have, so I find it very difficult to know when I'm reaching the end of my spoons. It's like I'm working on spoons hidden in a locked drawer that I don't have the key for.

What I hope for the most out of this post, is that people who know me start to understand that I need you're companionship, but you gotta stop making me use up all my spoons to get to you. Come my direction every now and then. make it a little easier on me by doing some of the work. I will have a much better visit with you if you meet on my turf, and it's not selfishly, but because I just have more spoons left over when I don't have to pack up the kids, drive an hour (or more) and then worry about my kids getting into your likely non childproofed home. ;) Just trust me on this.

Empty Glass

You know how you fill up a glass with your favorite beverage? How great it feels to have a full glass of water when you're thirsty?

Children are thirsty little life drinkers. In the morning, after a good shower and getting dressed and eaten, most mornings I'm in good shape. I am a full glass.

If I am sick, or a kid is sick, or (insert other overstimulation here), I start out the day in poor shape.

Most parents feel that bedtime is a great time. Finally, bedtime! Especially for somebody who hasn't even gone to the bathroom one time without a kid in the room or walking/crawling into the room, bedtime is glorious. 

My glass is empty. My glass is completely dry. Yet, some nights there is a persistent resistance. Every kid has this sometimes. Most nights are the glorious I speak of. But some nights, again, are just a battle. It's a "get out of my hair" time of day. It's a "this is the first chance I've had to not hear someone speaking all day". Its a "This is the first chance I've had to do my PT all day because I've been a mom all day today". 

Of course, after a week of exhaustion: baby spent 3 days screaming and needing to be held every second (I think teething and a developmental leap happened) and her not sleeping well either, and then followed by a week of big guy getting sick and being fussy and snotty and coughy and not sleeping at night because his inability to breathe woke him up disoriented and confused and crying and unable to hear us ask him what was wrong.... THEN baby and I get sick once that finally was over... its all added up to 2 weeks of pure frustration, exhaustion and madness. 

And now this battle. I'm really not doing well. I'm really fighting.

How do you refill your glass? When? What is your favorite tool for refills? 

Going To Town

I just got home from town. I am exhausted.

I didn't used to know why going to town and shopping made me so frustrated. I just assumed that it was the fact that I had so much to do, so much was needed, too little money, and its hard to shop with a kid. We used to go shopping for our "date" when we were dating and first married, and we would go late at night. So there wasn't many people, but it was late, so we would get tired. But it made for a nice date.

Now, I know for sure I have Aspergers, and things are different! Really different. Don't get me wrong, I still get COMPLETELY overwhelmed. I still get COMPLETELY stressed out. But at least now I have some idea why. The lights, the sounds, the noises, the rude people, other drivers, weather related hazards, and still too much to buy/needed, and not enough money. The whole situation is overwhelming and no matter how hard I try to keep it together, its hard to budget this stuff. Prices where I live can vary so much that even if I budgeted, I could be off by a lot of $. That's frustrating, because its not like we go shopping for a lot of wants or something. (See next post for example...)

I can at least get in the car between places and tell myself that this is ok, feeling like this is normal for me, and I can just refocus and tell myself what else I have to do before being done for the day. The drive home is always a decompression. Today was rather frustrating, and its probably due to being pregnant. And, I dared to try on bras at the store today (again, see next post). So, after such a stressful day I listened to classical music all the way home. Bonus: it was B's favorite going to sleep soundtrack, so he was quiet and went to sleep on the way home, giving me extra silence time!

Now, don't get me started on the fact that we can't get out of the pickup without opening the windows, and now you can't get in the drivers door either, along with the fact that the care needs new tires, the furnace is acting up, the stovetop is not working properly, and the refrigerator water dispenser leaks..... All at once. RIGHT?! That's always the way it is.

BUT, I scored some AWESOME little girl clothes today for my sister (and hopefully for us as hand me downs!) and even some maternity pants, and my friend from up here brought over her 2 boxes of maternity clothes. :) Yay!

Hearing Problem

I have realized that I think I have a hearing problem.

Rather, I know I can hear, and I have problems hearing. If I am in a quiet area, I usually hear pretty well. If there is any other noise, I tend not to hear anything.

I've decided that basically, I hear all the sounds around me. They are all coming in at once, I can't filter, I can't really pick and choose what comes in and what doesn't. I hear them all. However, I can also tune things out! This is great, except that when I tune things out, I cannot hear anything else either. 

Some of the fridges at work beep if they have their doors open longer than a few minutes. I can tune this out, but I tune out anyone talking to be also. It is either all, or nothing. :P

So. If you talk to me and I don't answer, its because I'm tuned out.

Expectations vs Reality

So this odd thing happened today.

You know how when you are sitting somewhere, and you "plan" on what you are going to do when you can get up and "go", or something?

So, I had a plan about how it would go when I was going to get up and leave. Well, in the meantime, Brody threw a fit, I had to leave before it ended, and I didn't get to "finish" what I planned on doing. Jeff picked up our things and brought them to the car. Very thoughtful, but kinda messed with my groove. Then we ended up getting confused, and I ended up cranky.

See, I make plans in my head, like a way of knowing what to expect. When plans go awry, then I get a little shook up. Top that off with the Brody tantrum that started the whole thing, and I was really shook. This is common, and hard to handle. However, at least now I can look at it out of a lens of Aspergers, and understand that its just a part of the deal, and it will be ok. It gives me a lot more clarity. It helps me to understand why I seem like I'm acting crazy.

Overstimulated

Sometimes, I get really antsy, and I really just need to be alone. Sometimes I run from any and all interactions, and just prefer to read, zone out on the computer, or whatever.

I get overstimulated. I think I get overstimulated more often than I realize, and I just do what I do without knowing that theres a reason I'm running away.

Today I was running a vacuum cleaning corners and such at the place I work. This means hours of running this vacuum. At one point when I was moving something the other workers had music on and it was up rather loud. Just way too much stimulation, I was really getting a pounding head, my ears hurt, they were ringing, and I just needed to be away. I had to finish my job unfortunately. But lunchtime, I just needed to be alone.

Often, this makes me seem upset, angry, annoyed, whatever. Really, I am. Usually I'm not upset at anyone in particular, but if you cross me, even slightly, during my overstimulation, I will be upset with you. See, I can't handle any more stimulation aka talking, drama, attitude, anything. I just need to have, I guess more controlled environment with less "going on". I need to escape!

So. That is what I was thinking about today. Overstimulation is something I'm becoming more aware of, and its something I need to find a way to notice BEFORE it becomes an all consuming problem. Though, sometimes I still can't escape the overstimulation, so I don't know what I would do about it even if I knew ahead of time.. :P