Autistic Regression

Recently, I've been having a hard time. I may have said that here before. One particularly difficult evening I was talking to/unloading on a trustworthy friend, and this link came into my facebook feed.

And once again in my journey, I was blown away.

This describes exactly what has been happening to me. Spot on. 

I'm not even waking up rested and ready for another day because I am working too far above my capabilities every moment of every day. No amount of alone time has worked to relieve my complete overwhelmed state. My bucket is sitting under a firehose on full blast, and it's constantly overflowing. I don't have any air. I'm drowning.

There are just so many things in the air right now. I'm stressed and overwhelmed and a surprise pregnancy of course has put this all over the top. 

It's not like a plate of pancakes, where you add one and it's just one too many. A surprise pregnancy is like a MILLION things too many, all at once. 

I know, "intellectually", that God will give me the strength when I need it, and I don't need it right now. There's also no way to know if I have it until I need to use it, and of course, there's no way I can test that until it's time. 

Unexpected things always throw me for a loop, and I hear that is not uncommon with autism. It can and does cause considerable stress, anxiety and frustration. We have to regroup, redirect ourselves, reorient our lives. Depending on the thing, of course, that could mean taking a 5 minute break and breath and just go for it (like an interruption or change at work). This? This is no 5 minute break thing. 

I'm 12 weeks along. Almost 13. Thats 7-8 weeks to "get used to it". And it hasn't happened yet. I don't know when it will, but I'm hoping it will be sometime before February. 

I feel pretty confident that the counseling program I'm going to be doing will help. I was really relieved when they came here for 'intake', that they know what I'm talking about, and what it's like specifically to be going through things with autism. See, you might think I act or look so "normal", but I'm completely and totally autistic. Just because I can pretend for some short period of time in front of you doesn't mean that I'm normal. I still have all the same struggles that a child with autism has, I've just had 32 years of practice to hide, ignore, avoid, and otherwise try to avoid losing it. I can manage it for a period of time. But it's still there, using up spoons, right under the surface.

Anyway, I'd like to write a post about counseling, and I will eventually. But for now, I just wanted to share this link because it's insanely accurate and exactly what I needed. I have felt a little relieved since I read it, at least it's ok, normal, and I'm not losing my mind, or sinking in depression. This is just normal, for me. This is just something I deal with now and then, on and off, throughout my whole life. I'm going to have tough times, and I'm going to "lose skills" during those times. I'm going to lose my ability to deal with things, and this is just what it is. It sucks. It's super hard. It's really annoying. It's really .... just... I don't know. You just have no idea what people with autism go through unless you're autistic. (Which is the major factor in why Autism Speaks SUCKS.)

Anyway, let me know what you think of this link!

Comments on a Blog Post: Autistic Regression and Fluid Adaptation - Musings of an Aspie

I've been having a hard time lately. I've been really tired, and not feeling well, all the fun things that happen when you get pregnant.

But it's been more than that. I've felt kinda paralyzed. Got ahold of the therapy place where we got tested, and even expressed my concern with the distance and money and stress of driving two hours one way to get to them, and they have an in home program! I start this week. B starts next week I believe. This is perfect, and a blessing, and I can't believe they will pay someone to drive for 4 hours just to see us. It's amazing and a miracle, and I can only thank God for a program like that.

That being said, it can't come fast enough. I've really been struggling and today I felt pretty down. I'm glad it was Sabbath because that meant some peace and quiet maybe. Something came up so I was pretty bummed to begin with, sadly.
But I stayed home and watched a sermon from 4 years ago. And I fully believe that good sermons are timeless, and this was one of those sermons. I'm sure 4 years ago I could have gotten something as big out of it as I got out of it today. And I could see how it could fit into the lives of several other people I know, I will be passing it on.

But tonight I was having a meltdown of sorts and kinda "word vomiting" on a patient, Godly friend that I felt safe to "word vomit" on. THEN, THIS LINK came into my fb feed. 

Talk about a revelation!

Autistic Regression and Fluid Adaptation - Musings of an Aspie

I guess I would probably never have thought to describe anything I have been feeling in this way. I would have never thought that there was such a thing, I guess. I was just under the assumption that the surprise of an unplanned pregnancy was just putting me into a new level of depression and anxiety (remember, those are "accessories" to my autism), and that therapy would probably be recommending some drugs, which I hate because they make me feel worse. Drugs are just too much for me, and probably are for most autistic people. 

But THIS?! This has kinda rocked my world tonight. This is precisely what it feels like in my brain. This idea plugged right into my brain and said "BINGO". 

Right now, I'm understandably under a lot of stress, anxiety, AND all the fun symptoms that normally go along with pregnancy like sickness, exhaustion, out of breath, whatever. And any woman who has been pregnant can attest to the fact that pregnancy steals enough of your brain to begin with, but put all that other stuff on top of my ASPIE brain, and you have definitely got too many air conditioners working overtime right now, and its time for a blackout. 

I KNEW I was better than this. I KNEW that I used to be able to handle things better. I've just lost that ability right now. It feels good, I guess, to think that it's not permanent, and I'm readjusting like everyone does, and that I will likely find some kind of handle on things. I'm really bad at asking for help, (not that I have many real capable people to ask to help me in the first place) so I think maybe I need to improve on that somehow. There are other things that I know play into this, that I know I NEED to change too. But to know that my list of things is a bit shorter is a relief. I feel lighter. And tired.

"When this happens, an issue that was previously “fixed” can suddenly appear to be “broken” again."

So I can "fix" it again, but probably in new ways. And yes, it might get "broken" again. 

I just hope these therapy people have some kind of understanding of this when they come. But if they don't, I'm keeping this blog post handy to use to give them some info. Because this makes a difference to me. I'm sure it can make a difference to someone else too.