tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64013824994327719492024-03-02T11:29:03.476-06:00Always AspiegirlA Journey through Adult Diagnosed Asperger's SyndromeEricka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.comBlogger273125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-63490775913399405202023-07-05T22:28:00.002-05:002023-07-05T22:28:56.395-05:00quick note:<p> wow. looks like i havent posted since 2020. <br /><br />i guess we will just go on pretending that the last 3 years didnt happen then. :P <br /><br />i had another baby in the meantime, and lost my sister to cancer which was found in 2021. my baby was named after my sister, she was born only 15 days after my sister passed. we knew she was going to lose the battle, it was a rare cancer and quite advanced when it was found. but we didnt really think it would happen in a year and a half. she didnt wither away like one would expect. <br /><br />baby had some complications with severe jaundice, and was in the nicu 10 days. it was very scary. they are still watching her for any of the damage caused by the severe jaundice, even things like cerebral palsy. but shes an amazing little girl, and she is so bubbly and happy compared to the other kids. shes much more content most of the time. and she works hard in pt and ot! shes a fighter and nothing is going to hold her back it seems!!</p><p>ive gotten an email from a reader about some internet safety. theres a lot to think about when it comes to autism and our safety. from my perspective, we tend to think people are always telling the truth and being straightforward, but there are a lot of creeps out there who are not, and are actually predatory. we sometimes would have trouble seeing the signs. </p><p>anyways, heres a link that will help you or your autie child with internet safety. <br /><br />https://www.wizcase.com/blog/internet-safety-guide-for-people-with-autism-spectrum-disorders/<br /><br />one thing we have learned in our family is that NO child should have access to the internet, especially via cell phone. it isnt a matter of whether you think your child will look up bad stuff, its that the bad stuff is hunting down your kid. im not even kidding. we did all the things. we still ended up with a kid getting into trouble. even under screen time and parental controls, he still found a way around it all. so please, dont get your child a phone. there are phones out there that are much safer, have built in restrictions and whatnot. i forget what they are all called. there is internet watchdogs, please invest in those. but dont get your kid an iphone, and dont let them on youtube. its almost like the bad stuff pays money to make sure its accessible via phones and internet no matter what protections you try to put on. please be careful</p><p><br /></p><p>thanks</p><p><br /></p><p>any ideas for things you would want me to write about, just let me know!</p>Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-82684888872246069322020-09-04T20:41:00.001-05:002020-09-04T20:41:23.249-05:00Aspie vs Autie<p style="text-align: center;">So I ran across someone recently who was talking about the term "aspie" (as well as terms of "function" that I hate and have talked about before). It was new to me! <br />I will admit that when it comes to "community", I don't necessarily participate in a lot of online communities (or offline tbh). I just don't have the time or energy for all that. But I have read and followed several autism related online blogs and pages and I still had never come across anyone who mentioned this.<br /><br />When I was diagnosed, it hadn't been that long since the medical community removed the aspie label and just went with autism spectrum across the board. A lot of the communities/people I followed were rather attached to the aspie/asperger title, saying that it fit our profile better or more specifically than an autism one and I agreed with that. But I'm starting to wonder what that actually meant. <br /><br />Put simply, if we look into the actual origin of the Aspergers name, Hans Asperger himself, things look very different. From what I've now learned, Hans worked with the Na*is in Germany and he had discovered some people were "special" in certain ways, and while others were disabled (and killed), these "special" ones were beneficial, basically, to the cause, and should be preserved. So basically, this is the whole high functioning and low functioning thing, low functioning meant you didn't deserve to live, and high functioning meant you had some value and could be used to help the cause (which at the time was ww2).<br /> <br />Basically if you were disabled, you were killed for it because you were weak, unless you fit this certain profile. <br />He also said girls couldn't have autism, but I did pass that off to the fact that it was a "new" thing they were learning and so I don't expect him to have gotten it all right the first time. However, the prevalence of thinking that women don't have autism still lingers over the medical community, to the extent that both professionals and parents alike will blow off obvious signs because they don't look like the popular, autism speaks boy centered style symptoms. Girls go untreated, and end up diagnosed with other things (bipolar seems to be the most common that I've heard women say they were diagnosed with before they were finally diagnosed with autism). But I digress...<br /><br />Asperger was a horrible person, basically only saving people who had financial value, for the cause. He may have stumbled upon something that we do find critical to our lives today, but he wasn't doing it for the good of people, he was doing it to further the na*i cause. </p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;">So. The whole thing is wrapped up in the eugenics of killing children who don't have value to society. It's things we actually still do, by "providing" testing ahead of time to see if the baby has this or that genetic disorder, so you can decide to abort your baby if you think their life is going to alter yours too much or something. Its eugenics. </p><p style="text-align: center;">So anyway, I just wanted to make an actual post. I should and could probably write something about the pandemic we're all going thru right now. But that's definitely for another time. How you all doing?</p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p>Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-55981065967695360002019-07-28T14:59:00.000-05:002019-07-28T14:59:20.136-05:00Female Aspies<br />
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So today I have a referral to an excellent list of traits of female Aspies.<br />I truly believe we are everywhere. <3 </div>
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<br />So check out this great link! Let me know what you think and if there are any that really stick out to you!</div>
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<a href="https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist"></a><a href="https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist">https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist</a></div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-48466867623477300222019-04-01T21:12:00.001-05:002019-04-01T21:12:14.111-05:00Fitness Referral SALE<div style="text-align: center;">
So just a quick pop in to say that one of the programs I mentioned in my last post - Fit2B - is having a huge 40% off everything sale!! Beth turned 40 this year!<br /><br />It ends today, so go check it out and get yourself some Fit2B before its all over!!<br /><br />Sorry it's last minute notice, I'd been meaning to say something for a long time and I just haven't had a chance!!<br /><br />They've got all kinds of routines/programs, but none of them are intended to give you that "no pain no gain" kind of workout. That being said they're not all wimpy either! They can help you prep or rehab for surgeries, childbirth, or just life, injuries or just fitness overall... They can help strengthen and give you an outlet or whatever!<br /><br />There's so much there that I haven't yet explored, so just get over there and check it out!</div>
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<a href="https://fit2b.us/?ref=479">https://fit2b.us/?ref=479</a><br /><br /></div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-48858788556426663562019-03-25T19:13:00.000-05:002019-03-25T19:13:19.058-05:00WHOA. Sorry It's Been FOREVER - GREAT Fitness Referrals!<div style="text-align: center;">
Well.<br />I don't even know if I mentioned it in any of my posts last May (I can't believe it's been since May since I posted last!), but we got pregnant with baby #4 last year! So, I was sick for quite a while last year, until I realized it was dairy that was making me ill. Other than that, I had a lot more physical trouble with that pregnancy being my core is completely shot!<br /><br />I've learned a lot in the past few years about fitness, especially relating to core (abs) and how damaged we can be from natural things like pregnancy or even just chronic bad postures and laziness in posture and how we carry things or lift things. But I'm definitely worn out! This pregnancy my stomach hung over so far, and I looked and was so huge! I had a lot of trouble with baby's position too, which I blame on the fact that my core was not doing anything to hold baby upright. Labor also revealed this to be true, in order to really kick things into gear, we had to use a robozo to lift baby more upright and get more pressure downward. This labor didn't last any longer than the last 3 really, still blasted through it in 2 hours or so. But the physical work it was definitely wore me out. My 3rd pregnancy I also hung out over, but not as bad as #4. After #3, I also had horrible hip pain I could barely walk for a week after I had him. #4 was not like that thank goodness.</div>
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<br />ANYWAY, I had discovered a few businesses that anyone anywhere can do, because they're online!<br /><br />The first is The Tummy Team!<br />https://online.thetummyteam.com/?ref=214<br /><br />The next one is Fit2B!<br />https://fit2b.us/?ref=479</div>
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They both have a lot of resources and information and fitness things to do. For me, I view The Tummy Team as core rehab or physical therapy. Fit2B is full of fitness routines for the whole family.<br /><br />I love how both of them are so real. Neither one of them are super fit body builders. Neither of them are these perfectly sculpted athletes. That makes you feel like you're working out with a friend, not being trained by some perfect specimen of a person.<br /><br />The biggest thing with both of them is how they treat the core. </div>
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FIRST: NO CRUNCHES, NO CRUNCH LIKE MOVEMENTS. </div>
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Seriously.<br /><br />You would have to watch the videos at The Tummy Team to fully get the picture. They have a whole page of free resources!<br />https://online.thetummyteam.com/free-resources?ref=214</div>
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<br />They have different programs for core rehab, for preparing for surgery (csections, or any other abdominal surgery), programs for during and after pregnancy, and refresher courses, as well as professional advancement as well!<br /><br />Anyway, they teach you about your core, and how to activate the muscles in your core that are supposed to hold you up! It is your literal built in corset. This is more than fitness and rehab, its education. They have courses for professionals as well.<br /></div>
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But seriously. No crunches, and still get great abs? Well, I'm not sure if getting great abs is even the point. The point is healing and gaining strength for life, not getting that perfectly sculpted 6 pack. I suppose if that's truly something you want, start here, and do that other stuff after. You might notice if you look at some of those "perfect" 6 pack abs, they are separated by a huge canyon! This is a diastasis. I know, I hadn't heard of it either, especially not from any of my doctors. But people, this thing is for real. I am starting to wonder how much of my mental and emotional health is actually rooted in my core weakness and disconnection. Right now, 3 months after baby #4, my diastasis measures 6 fingers wide at my belly button, 6 about 3 fingers length up from there, and a 4 below my belly button 3 fingers length. This is not the end of the world, I learned, even the founder Kelly Dean, had a diastasis with similar measurements. She healed most of that in 8 weeks. So that's minimum what I expect to need to do to start healing mine.<br /><br />They often recommend splinting as well, which I had been doing a lot of, but my splint is literally unraveling right now! So I have to get a new one right now. I don't have a good way to judge how exactly it makes my body feel, but I do know I feel something different, I just feel held together and almost natural. Sometimes the splint shifts and I have to fix it but for the most part, I put it on and I don't think about it much. It does really tell you when you're slouching into it. I am not good at not slouching, this I definitely know for sure. It seems much worse post pregnancy, which isn't that surprising.<br /><br />They also offer skype sessions where they can give you personalized feedback. </div>
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Anyway, now I'll talk about Fit2B.<br />https://fit2b.us/?ref=479<br />She also continues the tummy safe fitness. Neither of these two programs believe in the "no pain no gain" mentality. So what you're going to get is a lot of support to listen to your body and please, stop if you have pain! Both intend to not only help you find ways to implement fitness into your life, but they are also very focused on healing your body. </div>
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Fit2B also has a podcast - Fit2b Radio. I have learned so much and I just find myself nodding my head - they are so great! I wish every single woman - and man - could hear it. It's stuff so basic that it frustrates me that we have to find it ourselves, at this point. Doctors are still not really trained to know their limits and refer appropriately. Physical therapists even are not really fully understanding the broad scope of what they are doing. Though I found the physical therapy I've done to be rather gentle, much of it compromised the fact that my core is weak and separated, and the things I was told to do were things that made it harder to activate my core and heal the problems I was and am having.<br /><br />Fit2B's website is fabulous. You can literally pick and choose from a whole list of options, from what kind of workout to how long you have, even sitting workouts! I haven't gotten to explore it fully yet. I'm still just dipping my toe in the water of all they have to offer. Most of what we've used has been through the Roku - yes you can hook Fit2B up through your Roku! The kids love to do the kid workouts! They are not scripted, so it is so fun to watch. Kids just get moving! It's fabulous. Theres a lot of yoga in there, but for me personally I take a lot of caution with those groups of exercises, but I know a lot of people love them. My point is, their workouts aren't painfully intense, but I was just watching a circuit routine and she was definitely sweating. So don't knock the gentleness of the workout! It's still movement, and it's still a workout!<br /><br />I have yet to start the foundational 5, but most of my day is literally holding a baby, so I'll get there. I also should look more at the neck and shoulders routine because I could probably do that while nursing a baby. It's just going to be some time, I fear, before baby will allow me enough hands free time to focus on something like that. But I keep watching and listening to the podcast and trying to remember to keep better posture and think about how to put movement into my day. I'm not very good at that, I'm rather tired and it seems some days I can't manage to get anything done. Its supper time and bed time and I feel like I've literally done nothing. But, I have a 3 month old. This is a normal natural season for this. I also have to remember to rest and recouperate. My body has been through a lot - growing babies - and it deserves rest just as much. But I do need to really move more.<br /><br />ANYWAY, my point is, these two programs, either alone or together, could very likely change your life. It's likely you're like me and have no idea that you even have this problem - diastasis, or pelvic floor issues. Even if you know about them, what you're told from your doctor is usually disappointing, that surgery is your only option or that this is just a part of being a woman/aging/having had children. We do NOT need to accept this as normal! Something they say a lot at Fit2B (and The Tummy Team too I think) is that something that's common doesn't mean it's normal. You can tell by the fact that every woman has heard there are certain problems you get as you age or post childbirth, that it's common. That doesn't make it normal, and we shouldn't be accepting it as if it is! We have the power to heal ourselves, we just need to know what to do and how. BOTH these programs will do that.<br /><br />Start following them on social media and watch out for sales! That's how I bought my programs and memberships! Just get yourself a program! The links I've included here are my affiliate links, I just started doing that. I figured since I was literally tagging The Tummy Team and Fit2B everywhere I see women talking about things like this, I might as well make some good out of it maybe. ;) So please check it out and I hope you get yourself a program and start working!</div>
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<br />ANYWAY, I didn't really intend to write this long of a post about this stuff, but in true aspie fashion, I get obsessive. I just feel like everyone should know this stuff. It kinda bothers me that it's almost a secret. I don't even know how I came across this to begin with, but it's rocked my world. I hope you get something out of it as well! They are posting things all the time, so even if you just follow them and just learn a little here and there watching their free info, it's better than nothing!</div>
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Thanks for reading.<br /><br />I NEED TOPICS! If you have a topic you'd like me to write about, please let me know! I know I've left quite a vast desert since I last posted, I don't really want to keep doing that, but I get busy and distracted and it's sometimes hard to think. I wrote most of this post while my kids were goofing around with Fit2B's kid workouts. ;) SO there! </div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-10146701274187979952018-05-24T10:52:00.002-05:002018-05-24T10:52:40.718-05:00Aspergers in Girls - Misdiagnosed and Underdiagnosed<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm going to refer you over to another page today.<br />
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AS an aspie who wasn't diagnosed until 29, and even then the tester kept saying how "well adjusted" I seemed and how I "didn't seem autistic" and she didn't think I was autistic at all.... I feel very strongly about this.<br /><br />Women are not men. Men are not women. We will not act the same. We will not cope the same. Sure, it doesn't mean that women will ALWAYS act one way and men will ALWAYS act the other. We are all different. Sometimes autism in girls is clearly apparent. However, I think on the aspergers side of things especially, we tend to do things quite differently than boys.<br />
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Women are usually more socially wired. Even if we don't consider ourselves "social" or "extroverted", for some reason we have an inner game that goes on that makes us observe, or just deal with it differently.<br /><br />The reason I mention the social thing first, and by itself in this post, is that the majority of our lives are just fine to us. It's usually when we are in a social setting that we and/or others notice our drastic differences. Those are the times when we feel the most different and the most foreign.<br />
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This post is excellent, and totally true. It's time that the professionals get their brains into a different kind of thinking so they can spot more of us instead of giving us random disorders like bipolar, personality disorders, anxiety, depression.... all of which can be PART of autism, like an accessory to it. But it is not the whole picture. We need a whole picture of mental health, not just one facet.<br />
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<h1 articleprop="headline" class="content__headline content__headline--no-margin-bottom" style="background-color: #fef9f5; color: #121212; font-family: "Guardian Egyptian Web", Georgia, serif; font-size: 2.375rem; font-variant-ligatures: common-ligatures; font-weight: lighter; line-height: 2.625rem; margin: 0px; padding: 0.1875rem 0px 0px; text-align: center;">
I was diagnosed with autism in my 40s. It’s not just a male condition</h1>
<span class="content__headline content__headline--byline" style="background-color: #fef9f5; color: #121212; display: block; font-family: "Guardian Egyptian Web", Georgia, serif; font-size: 2.375rem; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: common-ligatures; font-weight: lighter; line-height: 2.625rem; padding: 0.1875rem 0px 4.5rem; text-align: center;"><span itemprop="author" itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Person"><a class="tone-colour" data-link-name="auto tag link" href="https://www.theguardian.com/profile/nicola-clark" itemprop="sameAs" rel="author" style="background: transparent; color: #e05e00; cursor: pointer; text-decoration-line: none; touch-action: manipulation;">Nicola Clark</a></span></span><br />
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/aug/30/diagnosed-autism-male-condition-women-misdiagnosed</div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-80374490479465387722018-05-06T13:07:00.001-05:002018-05-06T13:08:06.836-05:00Weddings, Getting Married, and Being Undiagnosed Aspergers<div style="text-align: center;">
HEY! I know, I know, I haven't written in a long time. </div>
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But a question on another bloggers post has inspired me to write. I don't think I've written about this at all in the past, and it seems that maybe there isn't much out there written about weddings from a bride or groom who has Aspergers. So here I go.</div>
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I've been married almost 14 years! Even though it has been a while, and I might not remember specific details, I do remember and am affected by things that were happening around my wedding in very strong ways.</div>
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First, I have holes in my memory. There are things, times, places, details that I do not remember. When you have Aspergers, life can be overwhelming at times, even at happy times. Therefore your brain, in self preservation, will throw out details that you don't think you need to hold onto at the time. I wish it weren't that way, but it is. It is the only way to maintain a form of sanity!<br />
ADVICE: Write things down. I know I had a bride's journal thing, and it's actually quite nice to look at some of the things that maybe we considered, the collection we used for bridesmaids dresses, stuff like that.<br />
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When it comes to the dress, start shopping AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. If you really like a dress, ask if the shop can keep record of what you liked. If you're lucky (like I was) your dress will go on sale in a couple of months with a season change, and you can get the dress at a deep discount! I have yet to EVER see a dress like mine again - especially the neckline was beautiful and unique and unlike anything I'd seen before or since. Actually kinda frustrating I cant find another dress that style, I'd have bought a bigger size :P<br />
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I remember that not too many months before I got married, I kinda chopped my hair short. Like a bob or something. I'd always wanted to have long beautiful hair when I got married, and not only did I not plan that out very well, but my thought that it would grow back out was rediculous. AND because I had this curly haired vision of what I wanted, AND because my small town hairstyling shop was mostly for older ladies.... I ended up with this atrocious curly bob. I didn't think I would ever be the type of person who would be concerned with that, and yet, I am so annoyed with myself. I should have been MUCH more simple, even if I couldn't have the long curly hair I'd always wanted.. I shouldn't have even tried to have it curly at all! UGH! I'm so mad at myself. I wish I had just been able to let go of the curly hair dream especially since my hair wasnt long enough to make it work the way I wanted.<br />
ADVICE: Don't cut your hair off anytime within a year of your marriage. Unless short hair is your thing. Let it grow, and have it trimmed right before you get married, and you can do almost anything at that point for hairstyles.<br />
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I remember that I loved the part of picking and choosing everything. And since we were broke and pretty much putting it all on with our own little money (or, rather, my husband's) we had a lot of people volunteer to do and make things for us as a gift. Like the flowers. So, I appreciate them, and they are beautiful and I have them on our shelf in our house. HOWEVER, what I said I wanted, what I had in my vision, and what I got were two different things. I wanted blue/maroon hydrangeas ONLY. ALONE. NO GREENERY, NO YELLOW. What I got was a few of those with yellows, whites and greenery, because "you have to have some green in there". Uh, no, actually, I don't "have to". Many brides don't! Why do I have to? Well, they all had a vision of what they thought it should look like and I had no control over that because they were making it for me for free. Sigh. My small town people had small town ideas and I had the internet and the ideas that I wanted. Stubborn people who didn't want to let me have what I wanted.<br />
ADVICE: If you want something done a certain way, and you feel like someone isn't going to do what you want, don't just passively let them. Free isn't free if it follows you as regret into your whole life. I regret not standing up for myself and/or just plain rejecting the free help and doing it myself.<br />
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I wanted lavender. My husband (fiance) hated it. So we went with a maroon, which was... well.... gross. Gross is the word. If I had let go of the purple enough to go with something else in blue, or ANYTHING ELSE... I don't know - I don't remember how that conversation went.<br />
ADVICE: Choose a classic color. Don't chooes the popular colors of the day. Black, blue, gray.. those colors dont typically go out of style. Red for Christmas weddings? Why not! But lavender, or maroon, was the wrong choice for a wedding at ANY time, even summer. It just did not work out in my long term mind. :P<br />
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I had a maid of honor living in another state, and unable to pick up her dress.. Then her dress ended up not having the top she wanted (that matched mine) so she had a top that matched another bridesmaids, and a third bridesmaid was different. Sigh.<br />
ADVICE: having them choose their own style tops/skirts is nice and all, but if you're going for something specific, and someone can't get to a store to pick one up... it's going to end up messy.<br />
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AND one of those bridesmaids and I don't even really talk anymore, not because anything happened, but because distance and life and whatnot. There was another girl that came all the way across the state to come to the wedding, and unfortunately had to go all the way back home right after the ceremony... I wish I'd had her as a bridesmaid instead.<br />
ADVICE: Don't think about who should be a bridesmaid based on silly things like "the areas of my life 'high school, college each year" - you don't have to organize your friends and your bridesmaids. I mean, I didn't, at the time I did feel close to all those girls. Today, however, I only regularly talk to one of them, my MOH doesnt ever speak to me anymore (I don't even know what I did, and I'm not the only one she's done that to), and I wished I'd chosen another girl I knew... All my friends were long distance ones at the time, but there were other options - even my SISTER... but we weren't really friends at the time. Tho her and a cousin came through at the last minute and sang a song for us for the ceremony, which was nice.</div>
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Food was a non issue. We had a lot of people again donating dishes for us, and a lot of people volunteer to take care of food. All we had to buy was sandwich meat (which was still one of the most expensive things in our entire wedding). AND my fiance ended up having to go pick it up the morning of the ceremony (I was oblivious because I was doing hair and whatnot).<br />
ADVICE: outsource food. You don't have to pay someone to cater (unless you can afford it I guess), you can ask friends and family to just make a dish for a gift! It's actually a really fun idea and makes it really cheap and really simple. ;)<br />
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The previous year to getting married was a mess. I was trying to go my 3rd year of college. I had gone to a U of M school, then a state university, then a community college much closer to home. The first semester I was on campus, the 2nd I tried doing online courses. I was much too distracted, didn't have my own computer or internet, didn't end up buying many or even any of the books.. I can't even remember. I probably failed most of my courses. I don't even know. Sometime in the end of first semester, the place I was staying had a kid in charge while his dad lived in Florida. Despite my being in contact with him about payment, one weekend I returned and found he had moved all my things to the GARAGE. IN THE WINTER. It was a disaster. He literally just tossed everything, clothes and all, into a big pile in the dirty garage. I was devastated. Ruined my poster, my contacts (oh who cares, I hated them anyway, but I sure ripped him a new one, as did my in laws!)... </div>
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I ended up moving in with some friends back home - my husbands best man. I was supposed to babysit their kids more often than I did, and probably clean house, but I was also distracted again with my upcoming marriage and probably said no too many times and I do feel bad about it.</div>
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ADVICE FOR AN ASPIE: Take the year you plan your wedding OFF from any other big responsibilities like school. Your brain can only hold so much, and school on top of anxiety, making plans, etc. It will be too much, and something will give, and it will likely be school. At least it was in my experience.</div>
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I had my baby blanket all those years (I usually had it inside my pillowcase). I honestly do not know what happened to it between college and getting married. I don't know if I ever had it after I got married (we lived in a camper at my in laws for several months while we were waiting for our house to close). I've never seen it since. It haunts me. Seriously haunts me. I hate few things more than losing something without explanation. I almost just wish I knew what had happened to it because at least then I could be at peace that I know where it went. Heartbreaking.<br />
ADVICE: If you have things that are special to you, box them away somewhere safe NOW. And, I mean somewhere genuinely safe, not in some persons storage camper/house/trailer. (Tho, maybe I had done that, there's a bit of a hoard going on at my in laws, and it could very well be there somewhere in some box that no one remembers about. There's just so much stuff that there is no way they could possibly know what it all is. Someday when they are dead and gone, if I run across it, I will be a little more than annoyed. Tho, they swear they knew where my stuff was all that time, and we've "looked" .... I'm not going to be convinced until I've seen it all. Heck, my parents house also has a bit of a hoard and it could possibly be there, but I've looked and not found it before, so I don't hold my breath.)</div>
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Oh - don't panic if you have to introduce someone to your husband and you cannot remember their name! I had been going through the whole line telling my husband everyone... and doing rather well. Got to one of my grandma's oldest brothers and I COMPLETELY BLANKED! It was just GONE. I know the guy really well - he was one of the great uncles and aunts that we saw quite often! And it was one I was embarrassed to have forgotten. But my brain was quite gone!<br />
ADVICE: perhaps line up so that his parents are near you and your parents are near him and ask THEM to do introducing. That way, you can rest your brain about all the names and faces, and yet they all still get introduced.</div>
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PHOTOGRAPHY<br />
Oh. My. Word. Photography.<br />
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Don't just let some family friend do it without seeing examples of their work. I probably could have told you the guy we had wasn't going to be adequate if I had seen his pictures. But I trusted my husband and his family, and it was FREE.<br />
ADVICE: This is at least ONE area where you should never ever ever accept a free gift for your wedding. Unless you KNOW that the person is a pretty good photographer, have seen their work, and can prove they have done a good job for something in the past... This is NOT the time to save some money. Looking back, I would have gladly went and gotten a CREDIT CARD (and I DO NOT RECOMMEND DEBT) just so that I could have some good wedding pictures today.<br />
See, we got married at a lake, facing the lake, which is beautiful in principle. In practice (and in pictures)? It was a nightmare. We are all washed out. The colors are dull, our faces are dark, and it was just no good for photography. A GOOD photographer, a professional photographer would have told me that turning around 180 degrees (or maybe even less) would provide a beautiful green lush background that would have made us stand out and look beautiful instead of being washed out. Although, most professional photographers would honestly have been able to do a better job of making sure we werent washed out too, whether it would have been a setting on their camera, or their bounce flashes or whatever. The mere availability of professional equipment can make the difference between horrible pictures and really good ones. <br />
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There are a precious few shots that are even good enough to make into an 8X10.<br />
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AND if you see that shot that you LOVE and it's someone else's picture, make sure you put your hands on it, and you get copies made YOURSELF instead of asking someone to do that for you. I had seen ONE picture of my husband as I was coming down the aisle. The shot I wanted. The shot that I ALWAYS make sure to get when I take wedding pictures. And I'm sure I told them to make me copies and I never saw it again. I should have put that thing in MY hand and made the copy myself. I can't even remember who it was that had the photo!</div>
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I still want to be able to fit in my dress and have really nice professional pictures taken. Maybe someday I will actually fit into my dress again. I didn't make it for my 10th, and I'm sure I won't for my 15th, but maybe the 20th will be right. :P </div>
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I'm serious. If there is one thing you should make sure to truly invest in, it's photography. Everything else is eaten, broken and thrown away. But the photos last forever. At least, that's the intention.</div>
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Anyway, this is the kind of post where if you need something specific answered, please ask! I may remember more things than this, you just have to let me know what you want to know and I'll see if I can remember! I hope this post at least gives you a starting point to think about things surrounding your wedding if you have Aspergers. Try to relax, try to breathe and remember that with the exception of pictures, it doesn't last forever. It is just one day, and I don't advocate starting your new life together 20,000$ in debt like the average bride in the US. You do not have to have a huge expensive wedding. Our entire wedding was around 5000$, and most of that was the lunchmeat (most of which didn't get eaten, and I'm almost afraid it might still be in a hoard somewhere in a freezer ew).<br /><br />Anyway, again, anything else you want to know? Just comment below!</div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-643440506273279432018-02-03T23:25:00.001-06:002018-02-03T23:25:29.458-06:00Losing It<div style="text-align: center;">
So, I'm kinda a controlled person. Like, when I left home, I took my things with me. I didn't have that much, but what I had, I took. I didn't see why not. </div>
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Somewhere between my 3rd year of college and getting married, I lost my baby blanket. Yes, I had my baby blanket in college. It was mine, after all. It was a harmless thing that I kept inside my pillowcase. Well, either way, it vanished. I don't know. I had a couple of moves that last year before getting married. One was a house in the town I went to community college, and the stupid kid who was taking care of the place for his dad while it was supposed to be for sale, well he got some kind of ego trip and threw all my stuff into the garage and LOCKED IT. Boy did we rip him a new one when we (my bf/future husband and his parents) came down to get it out of the garage where he had basically tossed it like a teenage boy and locked it. Froze my contacts (fine, I hated them anyway... but its the principle of the thing). He didn't box it up and put it there, he hauled it down armload by armload and tossed it there. I was late paying but it wasn't as if I hadn't been communicating with him. He definitely should have said something BEFORE moving my stuff, I would have come and moved it my freaking self.<br /><br />After that I lived with some mutual friends of my husband for a while. It was complicated and confusing and I was overwhelmed with wedding and couldn't really hold my end of the babysitting bargain a few times, but they were (and are) really good friends, despite not seeing them much anymore. I really appreciate what they did for me.</div>
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I don't know where in this mess my blanket went missing. I don't remember. But I'm heartbroken as I've looked for it for 12 years and not been able to find it. </div>
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When my brother was a baby, he had this adorable outfit. It was red and blue and it was overalls with a coat and my mom took the most adorable pictures of us out back by a beautiful maple tree in the fall. When my oldest was a baby, I had the outfit and we did pictures also, even by the same maple tree! We even did pictures with Bonnie, despite the tree dying and most of it fallen over, with my 2nd. After that, I thought maybe my sister wanted to put it on her kids for some neat pictures, and I thought I was done having kids. Well, I wasn't and I asked several times for the outfit back. She is NOWHERE NEAR as obsessive compulsive as I am. They were apparently done having kids and started to give things away... and I don't know how, and I don't know when and I don't know where, but the outfit is gone. I literally looked in every box in her garage. It's gone. Not only would I have loved to also have my 3rd in the outfit, but the long term intention was for my brother to have it for his kid someday. And now, it's gone.<br /><br />And I'm, again, heartbroken.</div>
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Just recently, we noticed that there were 6 covers missing for our throw away tupperware. AND one of the cups from the kids' car seats its gone (and has been for a long time). NEITHER are a big deal, really. We use the cups in the car for the two little ones to have a snack, but I don't know where the 2nd one disappeared to. And it's not like I haul food around the world or something, I don't even put them in the dishwasher because it's just not worth taking up the space, and I have things to hand wash anyway. So it goes from the cupboard, to the counter to the fridge, to the sink.... WHERE could they POSSIBLY have gone?!?<br /><br />Again, these last two things are not important. They are just the "straw that broke the camels back". And every time something mysteriously disappears, I'm mystified and reminded over and over about the things that actually matter to me that have disappeared. How heartbroken I am over my baby blanket and our "family heirloom" of an outfit. And how angry I am that things disappear when I let my guard down for a moment or time period because I want to be nice, or share, or trust someone. And it only proves the one thing I'm the most scared of as an aspie: trusting someone. </div>
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I think it seems like it's common for people with aspergers to be controlling of things, situations, conversations, play... because if we aren't in control, we have to give up trust to someone else, and that someone else might not live up to that preplanned social thing we have written in our mind to help us ease the anxiety in our minds over how something is going to go. </div>
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And when somehow that trust gets broken, it only proves to us that we were stupid to trust them, stupid to share, stupid to let go of something that mattered. I feel stupid, disappointed, frustrated, and heartbroken that I trusted and then ended up losing something that mattered to me. </div>
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I don't see myself as a materialistic person. I don't have a house full of things that I can't live without. But I am a nostalgic person. And there are things I have that I think of as bigger than they are because they are a part of who I used to be. Like notebooks full of diary pages. My intention is to take pictures of each page and digitalize them, especially since we found them after years of them being in the "loft" of the garage... and bugs and slight mildew got to them. Then I got pregnant, had my 2nd, followed by my 3rd just when I thought I had it together enough to start doing things again... and I'm hoping that eventually I'll get to it again. </div>
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Does anyone else feel this way? Is there something YOU perseverate over that you've lost? Do you feel like you lose your mind when something disappears, whether its socks or tupperware lids? Is this crazy? How do I heal my broken heart over the few things that really mattered to me? Why doesn't God help me find them or prevent them from being lost, knowing it matters? Is this some way of making me not attach to things (even though I feel like I am a bit MORE neurotic about things now because I've already lost things)? </div>
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I don't know. I just had to get this off my chest. </div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-9577149237431619682018-01-21T15:35:00.001-06:002018-01-21T15:35:41.749-06:00High Functioning vs Low Functioning<div style="text-align: center;">
I might have said this before, but I seriously do not like the labeling that NT people do with regard to people with autism.</div>
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Here are a couple of links:<br /><br /><a href="https://www.verywell.com/high-and-low-functioning-autism-260599" target="_blank">High and Low Functioning Autism</a><br /><br /><a href="https://www.verywell.com/what-is-mild-autism-260244" target="_blank">What Does "Mild Autism" Mean?</a></div>
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Basically, I think that Autism is this scary word/thing that people want to avoid connecting to their children at almost all costs - including completely ignoring the struggles their child experiences as being autistic at all.<br />In that effort, even in cases where the label/diagnosis is unavoidable, people naturally want to minimize the thing they are afraid of in order to make their situation seem like it's less than it is.<br /><br />To be completely honest, there is a varied level of "severity" of sorts when it comes to the ability of a person with autism or autistic person's ability to live on their own. Yes, there is a range of difficulties parents experience raising their children, even under NT situations.<br /><br />However, we should still be careful when assuming and labeling someone's ability to "function".<br /><br />Here's another post on <a href="http://autisticnotweird.com/labels/" target="_blank">Labels</a></div>
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The thing is, when you meet one autistic person or person with autism, you've met ONE. Each of us still has our own likes and dislikes and has our own thoughts. I refuse to believe that any living human is a vegetable. Just because they cant verbally express what is in their brain doesn't mean there is nothing there. We assume there must be, and give them labels like "severe" or "low functioning", when we could be TOTALLY wrong about what's going on on the inside. Imagine your body just not working right, and hearing people talk about you in terms of your function when your brain is screaming out "I AM NOT I AM RIGHT HERE!"<br /><br />In my opinion we need to be doing more to help these people communicate by giving them some sort of help, or device or whatever. But I do have to back off and say that I am not really aware of what is or isn't done now because neither I or aspiekid have that particular spectrum of autism.</div>
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At the same time, treating someone like they are just like everyone else, when inside their head they have significant struggles with social cues, eye contact, and the whole laundry list of something else, and holding them to the same standard as everyone else isn't really fair. With adults this can be less pronounced for two reasons: 1: An adult Aspie is more likely to have adapted and sort of learned different social tricks, especially, it seems, in females and 2: There is a different sort of pressure of adults than there is over children. We expect children to meet certain standards of what they can do at certain ages, and if they don't it is obvious. With adults, there is less measuring against some sort of developmental scale.</div>
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With children, as teachers, parents, relatives, whatever, we tend to automatically judge them based on their level of age or grade or whatever. We know that at around 1 year old, babies usually learn to walk. So when they don't, we panic that something might be wrong (though less parents panic about that because sometimes you don't really want your 1 year old walking! LOL). </div>
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The thing is, when you expect a kid with autism to answer your question RIGHTNOW, or if you expect them to be able to hear you in a crowd or while a show is on, or if you expect them to be able to follow steps consistently to go through a routine with little to no help... these are things that autistic kids might have a little more trouble with than NT kids. I mean, kids will be kids, but the expectation that just because they are a certain age and they SHOULD be able to do something doesn't mean they can actually do it. If a kid is "high functioning", as a kid they are likely undiagnosed, which means that they get into more trouble for not being able to do things that people think they should be able to do.<br /><br />I hope I'm making sense. There's an expectation if someone can verbally function and appears to everyone to be able to manage their responsibilities, then we expect them to at all times. There is no allowance for times of stress or anxiety or overwhelm that makes them unable to do things. I can imagine (because I've both lived it and seen it in my aspiekid) that the kid is thinking "well, that would be nice to please you by doing ____, but right now my brain has been hyjacked by this crippling anxiety of ______ and I just can't and I'm even MORE overwhelmed by your expectation that I should be able to".<br /><br />Anyway, that's my post on function labels. I think other people do a much better job of it than I just did, but I had to get some words out. Today I'm feeling as if I'm not really able to get my message across very clearly, as I am very distracted. But I hope this helps a little on this topic.</div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-41082844174270536582018-01-21T11:30:00.002-06:002018-01-21T11:30:33.094-06:00"Are you really....?" Referral Links and My Perceptions of my Church's Opinion on Aspergers<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm going to do a bit of referring today. This means you might have to do a bit more reading to fully understand what I'm saying. But I hope that you find it worth the extra reading.<br />
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<a href="http://autisticnotweird.com/really-autistic/" target="_blank">My Response to "You're Not Really Autistic, Are You?" </a><br />
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<a href="http://autisticnotweird.com/dont-look-autistic/" target="_blank">I'm Ever So Sorry. I Really DON'T Look Autistic.</a><br />
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I find these to be extremely true for me. I have had plenty of people who think they are being kind by saying that I dont "seem" autistic. Listen, just because you seem rude right now doesn't make you a rude person by nature. That's the nice way of saying it. But seriously, none of us "seem" like our struggles are that bad to the normal person we know.<br />
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It also feels like a rejection of who I truly am. Yes, I "look" just like you! I pump my own gas! I go grocery shopping! Just like in that celebrity magazine where they say the celebs are just like us. Autistic people are just like you! Except our heads work differently. The stuff you can't see. Unless its "Silence of the Lambs" or something. (No, I've not watched it, I've only heard about it.) But even then there's nothing to see.<br />
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Which leads me to my church. I don't know about yours (if you have one), but I have noticed something a little disturbing within the medical/mental health professionals that are connected to my church or its publications. One even went so far as to straight up say that the people who would be considered "high functioning" (another label that I HATE to use) aren't really autistic at all, according to him. So basically, the idea is that people who are able to "look normal" have some quirks and differences, but they're just like everyone else with their own quirks and differences. Completely discounting the fact that we are still distinctly different than people in ways that have perfectly been explained under the umbrella of Aspergers. Until recently, it was a "professionally valid" diagnosis. But even at the time when I was diagnosed, it was beginning to change. They said it was going to just now be labeled under the autism spectrum. What I'm actually seeing is that now the people who would have been Aspies are being treated as if they weren't at all.<br /><br />What of that? I tend to run on the "higher end" of diagnosis spectrum. What would it have looked like if my diagnosis had come back no? Honestly, I wouldn't have even believed them and chalked it up to one more thing that I know more than my medical professional.<br />
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This wouldn't be the first time or subject that I knew better of, and it probably won't be the last. I often still flirt with the 5 year obsession with tongue ties and the other oral issues they cause and are related to, something that almost every doctor won't recognize, won't diagnose, and won't treat. The ones that do don't take insurance, IF you can get insurance to cover the procedure anyway because, as with doctors, they won't recognize the issue as a medical issue that needs treating. Private insurance, it seems, isn't as picky, so some people still get lucky and get it covered. Beyond the procedure is the therapies that are pretty much required to help change the muscle memories, especially the older a person treated is - and this is something many adults have as well and can greatly benefit from having treated. It's just a huge subject and I've done a great deal of reading from both other people who have had theirs or their children's treated, to medical professionals who actually treat and try to train others to treat, and even a few therapists who deal with oral issues and retraining. Anyway, you can tell, I get rather obsessed.<br />
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So what happens to those people who, like me, are Aspies, but get told no to Autism Spectrum? There are so many undiagnosed adults out there. I'm sure many of them are doing just fine and won't seek or need a diagnosis. Still many of them are out there having so many struggles and being misdiagnosed as other things. In some cases, the effects of these misdiagnosis, horrible things happen - I know one friend who was not allowed full custody of her children because of her past history with multiple diagnosis of mental health issues (and a lying, abusive, narcissistic ex). All things that were actually Aspergers, but was misdiagnosed by uninformed doctors.<br />
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But back to my personal thing...<br />
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Do I expect too much from them because they are Christian? Or because they are the same church as me? I think maybe that's what I've done. Maybe I expect more in general. Maybe I shouldn't do that.<br />
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But really, where do they get these ideas? Ignoring the true to life experience of so many of us, and even ignoring the actual diagnosis by other professionals? I don't know.<br />
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So then why do my differences and quirks line up identically with so many other people, so many other women in particular? If "we are all different and quirky yet still normal", would you really find such a large group of people who finally found an "explanation" for their unique identity being so alike in so many ways? And what about those people who now "don't fit" the full ASD diagnosis, but are still Aspies? Argh. </div>
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<a href="https://www.verywell.com/why-high-functioning-autism-is-so-challenging-259951" target="_blank">Why High Functioning Autism Is So Challenging</a><br />
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Why is it so challenging? In addition to the list of things at that link, I would say that the most difficult thing about having "high functioning" autism is that it isn't high functioning at all. You can have non verbal, physically disabled/unabled people who have vibrant and intellegent minds with little to know problems with executive functioning or whatnot. Yet too you can have verbal, brilliant people who cannot handle a simple change in routine or schedule. To say that those experiences are invalid, or don't exist, or don't allow for a person to be diagnosed Aspie is simply wrong.<br /><br />The person who ran my Autism testing didn't necessarily believe me either. She said I was "too verbal" and "made eye contact" and I've had other professionals tell me I was "too emotionally accessible". Until she got to the specific autism parts of the test, and she was like "oh, there it is!". Even she couldn't deny what she saw once she got into the right parts of the test.<br /><br />The thing is, especially as a female, we study, and we learn what the rules are. Just because we can perform the rules during an appointment doesn't mean that the struggle to do those things isn't there. They also don't see the exhaustion from "being normal" that comes after the appointment.<br />I mean, isn't the "rule" about talking to a counselor that you share your feelings? So, when I talk to a medical professional, whether a specifically mental health or just general about my feelings, the rule is you talk about them. It doesn't come organically, I have to plan for it, think about it in advance, almost "script" myself as to what I'm going to say. Often times my inner "script" doesn't include the variety of responses the other person gives either, and I suddenly become deaf because I don't know what to expect them to say, so when they say something, it takes me longer to process it.<br /><br />Does any of that make any sense?<br /><br />All I'm saying, in the end, is that I think we know ourselves. Many people self diagnose, and I don't think its necessary to tell those people they are wrong. They already know themselves, they've finally found an answer to their ENTIRE LIVES. To tell them that they are wrong is probably harmful. And to those people who aren't really looking, the other issues they struggle with would be easier managed through the correct lens.<br />
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Maybe it isn't right to have a label for every different kind of person. Maybe it makes us too much "us" vs "them".<br />But at the same time, having an identity and community of people who are like you makes you feel much less alone. It helps you make sense of the struggle in your life. It helps you to find a community where you're particular kind of crazy is welcomed and understood, sometimes for the first time in your life.<br />
And that, as I've said often in the past, is 90% of the cure.<br />
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And I really need to write a post about how I feel about the label "high functioning". I did touch on that here, but I think that deserves it's own post. :P<br /><br />Thanks for reading!<br />
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Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-12545203643363994542018-01-04T23:07:00.000-06:002018-01-04T23:07:17.898-06:00Tony Attwood, Autism in Girls<div style="text-align: center;">
I haven't writing in a while, but today I watched a FABULOUS video.<br /><br />If you watch it, you can follow my commentary.<br />Here's the link:<br />https://player.vimeo.com/video/122940958</div>
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He talks about two ways they might play. One is sitting alone and playing and will stop any of their advances to come and play with him, or be the bossy one. I was the bossy one. My oldest son is the bossy one. He is like a director. He knows what role each person involved needs to do to complete his idea of what play is in a situation, and he isn't afraid to tell them. Thankfully, so far, he has a mostly willing couple of siblings and some very kind friends who just back off on their own if its too much.<br /><br />He talks about girls coping. The study, the watching, the mental note taking. I do all of those things. It takes me a while to warm to an environment, and basically, I will imitate. I've done it for my entire life. Mostly, I've caught myself imitating my dad's way of communicating. Maybe that's the default. But I've copied people I'm with too. It doesn't seem to work to win friends, for some reason.</div>
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He talks about having phenomenal factual knowledge. SERIOUSLY. I'm constantly looking up things I'm <strike>obsessed with</strike> interested in. Constantly. It's an addiction. I HAVE TO LEARN THINGS ABOUT IT. It could be something I'm experiencing. It could be something I came across. I'm wondering now if it always has a personal connection for me, it probably does for me to be interested it must be personally relevant. But the INTENSITY of this interest and addiction to learning about it takes over my entire life at times.<br /><br />In contrast, perhaps, I wasn't interested in people pleasing. But I would copy and mimic. </div>
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I would get greatly into books. It was probably what I was doing. I can't believe what he says about Hermoine. I only read the first book or two, and that makes TOTAL SENSE. </div>
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"Alternative World" was so true for me. I remember pretending to be and be with some of my favorite movie characters (kids movies). I also have perfect pitch, and hear and pick up accents really easily. I'm aware of it and end up trying to stop myself, even though I actually LOVE it. Unfortunately, for some reason, I cannot unlock the ability to learn other languages well. :P </div>
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I never saw anything wrong with pointing out other people's inconsistencies. :P I do get it as an adult, and I do bite my tongue more often than not. But I cannot help my thoughts and frustrations at how people are messing up :P I'm also not very good at being gracegiving to myself. I hold myself to a high standard, and everyone else, perfectionism is a struggle for me. I think I've come a long way, but it is a default reaction, so it is hard to stop.</div>
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I wonder if I had a persona. I was a goody two shoes. I was the teachers pet. I don't remember downloading on my parents. Maybe my sister? I was pretty much a rule follower either place.<br /><br />I thought people should like me because I was very good.<br /><br />Special interests were a big thing. And I definitely was interested in things over the years. In another video with Tony Attwood that I have broken down in a previous post (<a href="http://alwaysaspiegirl.blogspot.com/2015/03/my-world-has-been-rocked-aspies-special.html" target="_blank">here</a>, <a href="http://alwaysaspiegirl.blogspot.com/2015/04/special-vs-intimate-friends-and.html" target="_blank">here</a>, <a href="http://alwaysaspiegirl.blogspot.com/2015/04/special-vs-intimate-friends-and-autism.html" target="_blank">here </a>and <a href="http://alwaysaspiegirl.blogspot.com/2015/05/special-vs-intimate-friends-and-autism.html" target="_blank">here</a>), for a good portion of my teen years my special interest were my teachers, and especially one or two specific teachers. You can read more of my thoughts on it in the posts linked, but as he said, it wasn't the interest itself, because many girl students like their teachers, but the intensity. And I definitely had intensity.</div>
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I also had imaginary friends, not to the point where they had to sit at dinner with me or on the bus with me, but I would pretend I was flying with Peter Pan or Darkwing Duck or that I was Maid Marion in Robin Hood. I also talked to myself in a mirror. Funny. I sang to myself in the mirror. :P Like I was a music video. Ha!<br /><br />I did write some fiction too... Poetry as well.</div>
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I loved drama. We didn't have a class, but we did do plays and I liked that quite a lot! Even though I was nearly terrified of it. But I did have a lead in several things.. </div>
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I was never really someone anyone else wanted me to be... except maybe the people who wanted me to follow the rules and be the "perfect" student or daughter.</div>
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I was very interested in psychology! Thought about going into it myself. Turns out, maybe I should have, it would do a great service to people with aspies. ;) </div>
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"I have done such a great job at pretending to be normal that nobody really velieves I have Aspergers." My life story summed up. So many people retort to me "You act so normal! You are so emotionally open!"... so??!</div>
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I have that book! Love it. I think everyone should read it to learn the other side of the coin.</div>
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It is interesting how many people I can plug into the list he has: Pathways to a Diagnosis for a Teenage Girl. I know many people who have dealt with those different things. The problem is they get a "surface" diagnosis, but never the real thing. Frustratingly, its a misdiagnosis, and they end up still just as lost because it's not a complete explanation. </div>
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Hahaha - He specifically mentions reading about the Titanic. That would be my son. </div>
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Loved adults, they had answer to things, kids my age WERE stupid and boring. Yup. </div>
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Anxiety. Worrying. Have you read my blog? I don't have to comment on that. My sensory? Screaming, loud kids, either having fun or not. Crying babies hurt me to an emotional level, I just want to comfort every single baby ever.</div>
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In my coaching that I'd been doing, catastrophizing was on a list. I don't, or didn't think that I had much of a problem with that. But if I think about it in other terms rather than catastrophizing relationships, I tend to catastrophize things in life! When my kids are sick, its "oh no, how sick are they going to be and will it be an emergency? (Along with the accompanied fears of being judged for not vaccinating again, thanks Dr Jerkface). When something seems to be wrong with me, it's not like I jump right to cancer, but I jump to some other health fear. I had anxiety for MONTHS before I went to the doctor and had tests done to determine whether or not I had diabetes. I did not. Interestingly, anxiety and diabetes have similar symptoms. So I wasn't fully invested in that diagnosis either, I kept justifying that it could be other things (which is why I put it off for months).<br />So of course, in hindsight, now I know I catastrophize greatly, just about different things. What he talks about a special interest in friendships, and the catastrophizing in that when the relationship ends, or if there's just distance in the friendship, they haven't talked to me so they must not like me anymore.</div>
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Mutism: I've experienced that.</div>
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Doll play: I did play with dolls until I was much older than normal. And I kept them. I have them still. </div>
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I agree with the ideas of boys having more fun. I didn't exclusively hang out with boys, and I didn't dislike girls, but I do remember having a few boy friends that I felt closer to. There was just less drama. I never wanted to be androgenous, but I didn't realize my own development unless it was pointed out to me. One instance it was the whole "I bet you can't touch your elbows behind your back" trick, which I could indeed do, which was met with "WHOAAAs" which at first I thought was impressed that I did it, but realized there was chest involved and became kind of annoyed about it (seeing I still remember it pretty clearly, and the faces of said boys who did it as well).</div>
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I never did dispise being a girl, I never had those things.<br />I did love dresses, but I realized at a certain point that it wasn't acceptable to wear dresses all the time after a certain point. I still had some, but not wearing them all the time. And I always dressed like a girl, and wanted pretty things. But a drastic thing about it was my lack of care for fashion. I just wanted jeans and a tshirt. I'm still that way. I would like pretty clothes, but if I wear anything "stylish", I feel wrong. I have done a few of those "stylist sends you clothes based on your preferences" websites, and I have only ever gotten a couple of things from them. I'm not interested in the fashionable stuff, and I don't feel like paying for their prices either. I was perfectly content as a kid to wear what my mom bought me, my sister wanted silvers and got a job to pay the difference. I was not interested in either clothes, nor working that hard for them. Nope.</div>
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The "recover in solitude" is a big thing for me. I literally need alone time. Like, totally alone. I'm not even sure my husband understands that. I end up regularly staying up late at night because that't the only time I am alone. I need it. I don't get enough of it to fill my cup.</div>
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Yes! Emotions. Either 0 or 60. And extremely sensitive to emotional atmosphere. I knew when my teachers were upset about things. I just FELT it. I didn't know why, but I always increased my efforts to give them a little treat, a piece of gum, or an "I think you're really special" note or something. Totally insane, probably, but I really felt something wasn't right and I wanted to right it. I'm sure there are other times and ways this happened, but I don't know about all of them. I hid a lot. I wasn't able to right the ship so I just hid and was in my own little world. School was a lot of work, so at home I remember just being in my room listening to music, or playing it, or reading. I have agreed with many perspectives that explain what the one quote about emotions said - that I feel every emotion of the people I'm around, but I don't always know what to do. I want to right the ship, but I don't know how, or don't know how it will be received.</div>
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Special interests! Intellectual orgasm! The links to my other blog posts that I linked previous in this post is where I first heard this term, and it was in relation to a person being a special interest. I've written at great lengths about that, so I'll let you go to those if you are interested.</div>
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I LOVE the comment about the British accepting aspergers, and BBC, and antiques roadshow! :P Those were all so great!<br /><br />If you pause the video at 28:20, theres a slide he breezes over because of time on Emotions and the Special interest. It says "My emotional range is quite extreme and somewhat rudimentary. However, when I engage in my special interest on my own, I can access a greater emotional realm and landscape that is wonderful and safe for me, in that context.". I wish he had gone over that more, I would love to hear more about that. What it makes me think of is that engaging in my special interest teacher may have been exactly what I specifically needed to help me engage socially and feel safe at the same time. He was a safe place to be socially engaged, he never hurt me like the other students did, and he treated me well, engaged with me, and there were some times were I felt absolutely protected by him. It was wonderful, and I am glad for all of that.</div>
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"When listening I need to watch their mouth..." yes. I always watch peoples mouthes. What looks like I'm making these great contacts, but really I am mouth watching. All that is extremely accurate!! I was also a doodler (if you pause the video at 29:01 the slide there talks about that).<br /><br />When I was a kid, yes, I was better friends with my teachers and felt I too was a generation ahead, prefering the teachers company to anyone else's. (29:06 slide).<br /><br />Definitely was bullied.<br /><br />Definitely didn't want to wear boys clothing, plenty of girls clothing had big pockets, and in the 90s we had those tiny little backpacks... :P I never got fashion. Will never get fashion. Mentioned this before (I knew it was coming, and just got that paragraph out early). Never felt wrong to wear girls clothes, but I didn't want the ones that were "in". I LOVED wearing baggy pants in school. They were in fashion, the JNCOs and whatnot. I didn't have any of those name brands, but I loved pants with bagginess or looseness or wide legs. ;) My parents wouldn't let me go too wild, but I think they appreciated that I actually wanted the more modest dress. I do not know what I would do today, I mean seriously?! Skinny jeans?! What stick person made this fad up? No woman (except Audrey Hepburn) looks good in those pants! If you have hips, we don't need to make them MORE OBVIOUS by making our ankles tiny! I just hate them. Even more, I hate leggings AS pants, I've seen way too many women's private areas. It is not ok.</div>
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I feel the same way about makeup as well, don't like it, it makes me itch. I never wear it anymore and the only time I think I would is if I had a photographic event and had a major blemish. Not that I don't have to try, because I always was this way about it. I can go a long ways with just a simple lip gloss (though these days its carmex LOL).<br />My hair must be wash and go!<br /><br />I did have the vulnerability. Definitely had times where a guy was interested in me, and I was protected by God above (there's no other explanation for it) because I could have put myself in very vulnerable situations but somehow I was always safe. Again, my special interest teacher was involved here. One time I remember sitting with him outside the laundromat in town. I remember him specifically talking about this kind of thing, how some boys are only out for one thing. I remember feeling so fiercely protected. I have never forgotten him talking to me. It's as if he knew what I didn't, that I was extremely vulnerable and needed to hear that.<br />It would take me a long time to notice that a guy was interested.<br /><br />But I wasn't really disinterested in sex, but maybe I was behind? I was always a "sex at marriage" person. So it wasn't on my radar of something to do as a kid... I wasn't disinterested in boys either. But it's an interesting connection.<br /><br />I wish he hadn't run out of time. the Being a Parent slide looked very interesting!!! I fall into all those categories - tho of course we don't know the story on Liane Holiday Willey. But yes, I am all of those things.<br /><br />So there's my running commentary on a video of Tony Attwood speaking on Autism and Females. FABULOUS video!!</div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-4987044866719148142017-11-04T21:36:00.002-05:002017-11-04T21:36:30.803-05:00Naive<div style="text-align: center;">
Every so often I am reminded about just how naive I am, and how I literally could have been a victim of horrible things so many times... and how absolutely protected I've been. </div>
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People sometimes say things about how they knew something about someone that was pretty important information, they just knew it, and I had no idea.<br /><br />Why don't I have the same radar on people as they do?<br /><br />Oddly enough, as many aspies are saying now, I have this overempathy reaction to people. I don't even have to know that something is wrong, but I start feeling off and don't know why. It used to happen in high school too, even when something was going on with the teachers. </div>
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But I have no radar for so many things about people.</div>
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I had a friendship with a radio dj in my first year of college, and even walked out to the station one night to meet him. I was purely platonic about the whole thing, and it is only apparent to me years later that it wasn't for him. He gave me a ride back to campus, and if it weren't for the grace of God and his honorable behavior, I could have easily stepped into dangerous ground! I had no instinct that he was even interested. After all, where I grew up, no one was interested in me. Why would I even consider that would change?<br /><br />In fact, most of college was probably full of moments kinda like that.<br /><br />I spent a lot of time alone, wandering campus or town. I never had boyfriends at college (I had already met my future husband and was dating him long distance - and that proved to be a fine decision) but college could have been an unsafe place for someone without any instincts to be, but nothing ever happened. Sometimes I find that almost normal, and other times simply amazing because it seems as if it could have been so dangerous. </div>
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I've known people for years and years that have had serious problems. When I was given a window into those problems for the first time, I was shocked! Appalled! Frustrated, angry, I felt used and pulled into drama I wanted no part of. </div>
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And other people knew, without being given a window.<br />How did I not know?<br /><br />Maybe I expect more from people? Or maybe it's that I expect too much? Maybe it's rooted back in my inability to give grace to others, and my not wanting to think people I know would do certain things, or something. Maybe it's my bad habit of putting people on a pedestal.<br /><br />I don't know. I just don't have instincts for certain things, and again, it's only by the grace of God that I've gotten through my life unscathed. </div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-22642831673251420792017-10-10T23:46:00.000-05:002017-10-10T23:46:19.199-05:00Nothing About Us, Without Us<div style="text-align: center;">
One of my favorite groups out there is <a href="http://autisticadvocacy.org/" target="_blank">ASAN</a> (Autistic Self Advocacy Network). The title of this blog post is their slogan, and I think it is a vitally important one, and not just for Autistics.</div>
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See, when I was a kid, I was quirky, weird, crazy, and in some ways absolutely out of my mind. Maybe not so much as a little kid, but definitely as a teenager. Hey, those are hard years, multiplied greatly any time you are different than the rest of the kids around you, and have no real explanation as to why you're different.<br /><br />I didn't relate well to other kids. I had friends almost all the time, but a small group, and in hindsight they were not really good friends. Some actually had the nerve to be my friend, and do terribly torturous things to me at times. I didn't really have a choice.<br /><br />The most important people when I was a kid was my teachers. In true aspie fashion, I related well with adults, and not so well with kids my age. This makes things complicated, fast, unfortunately.<br /><br />In my opinion, it's actually pretty sad that a kid and an adult can't be friends without there having to be "more to the story" or something. And because most people think that, they are MORE than willing to put their own spin, judgement, assumptions, and opinions on it. Other kids are just as bad, if not worse. And unfortunately, aspies are typically the kind of people who want to believe you at your word. And, since we tend to be naive, we also will believe what you tell us about certain things, much to our detriment.</div>
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We are a society who is squeamish about sex, or romantic relations of any kind. We are greatly uncomfortable with a kid who self pleasures, we balk at curious questions that our tweens might ask as they are growing up and hearing or reading things, and we panic at the thought that our teens might actually be doing things at their age, even though for the most part we do little to nothing to actually stop or properly educate kids to avoid doing these things. We leave them to their own devices (literally, smartphones are the quickest and easiest way to material kids shouldnt be seeing) and we don't think we have to do the work of preventing kids from doing things. We make excuses like "They're going to do it no matter what we say...." instead of even trying.<br /><br />We make a big deal when a girl and a boy are friends at ages where they aren't even close to knowing or caring what it even means. Saying your 2 year old has a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is not exactly the healthiest thing to say, and will set them up for the confusion that they can't be friends with someone without it HAVING to be romantic. We are putting adult content on simple friendships at ages where they haven't even realized that they will even do those things when they get older, at ages where little girls and boys still want to grow up and marry dad or mom! </div>
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So the minute that an adult thinks from their adult perspective that something they see is a romantic or sexual attraction, we panic and we put labels and our own opinionated judgements on it.<br /><br />I know I've heard people who were called fat over and over say that the hard part is that once you hear that over and over, you actually start to believe it.<br /><br />I wouldn't say that is any different with romantic relationships, or, as my topic is heading, "assumed" romantic relationships.</div>
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I know I've written before about my "crush" on a teacher in high school, and unfortunately for that guy it was 6 years of madness. The longer I think about things, and examine them in my mind, flashbacks come to me. Seriously, the brain is amazing. I remember talking about him in such and such a way, how his class was exciting and fun or something, and a friend telling me "Oooh you loooooooove him!!" and a "light bulb" went on, and I believed her.<br /><br />I'm not making this stuff up. And for 6 years to follow, thanks to her, I was repeatedly told, tortured, teased and laughed at for being "teachers pet" (but not enough to give me that in senior superlatives) and "loving" this poor guy. To me he took it very well, and even in senior year, he was merciful enough to tell me I wasn't the first girl to go crazy, there were others with other teachers and everything. I felt he was protective of me, he must have realized how naive I really was and I actually hope he didn't take me too seriously. A counselor once told me he wished it would all just go away, but that didn't make sense in the light of the fact that I could ignore him (most often because some other adult made me feel guilty about the whole thing) and he would still treat me the same way.<br /><br />Now that I'm an adult, became diagnosed, started following Tony Attwood, and ran across this <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyjbtJ_3vqs&list=PLaWEAxGVW4EdKG5RjPO2_J9gvxwKx8ecV&index=6" target="_blank">all important video</a> that I have posted about before, that literally, and I'm not kidding you, LITERALLY changed and rocked my world, right to the core. Starting at minute 5:40 or so, I'll try to write up the words here because they are so critically important, not just for me to explain to you, but for myself as well.<br /><br /><i>"..We've had a lot of discussion on the difference between special interest friends and intimate friends and how from the outside an NT, looking at a relationship between an aspergian and an NT that could look like as if it's intimate is actually nothing more than a special friendship. One example would be a professor and a student, where the student to some degree looks like he or she is idolizing a professor, but it's a very platonic thing."<br /><br />T.A. "It is, but those with aspergers might idolize intellect, not physique. In other words, they're not necessarily having a crush, in terms of wanting a sexual relationship, they're admiring the intellect of that person. Another component is the tendencies to assume that people are sexually orientated. Many people with aspergers are what I call asexual, they're not interested in a sexual relationship with someone. They're interested in an intellectual relationship and may be very enthusiastic and for that, but people will project onto that person, that their motives are sexual. 'NO! It's the brain I'm interested in, it's the ideas that I'm interested in, not physical.'"<br /><br />"That frames up her question nicely. She's wondering how to protect these people that are involved in this non romantic special interest relationship. So it is in her best interest to say 'This is my sister the student, she is not looking at him as a sexual object, she is admiring his intellect."<br /><br />T.A. "Oh, absolutely. And in aspergers intellect can be one of the most important, if not THE most important, personality characteristics that you admire in people. So it's the intellect I'm interested in, not that person in terms of a sexual relationship. And in fact, the person with aspergers is then horrified, that people would, 'But no! I'm interested in his ideas, I'm interested in what he says because it's so fascinating.' But the degree of passion for the ideas is assumed to be a sensual/sexual passion. But it's an intellectual passion. Now, I don't know whether you're allowed to do this, but I would say it creates an intellectual orgasm. Whether you can actually put this on youtube, or whether, I don't know. But that intellectual orgasm is so enjoyable it's better than an interpersonal orgasm."<br /><br />"Well, okay, is that something that we try to explain to other NTs?"<br /><br />T.A. "Yes, because otherwise they'll misinterpret. The person whos the focus of this usually recognizes its not sexual, it's not sensual, because they just sense that it's the mind that's being explored. And other people think 'Oh with that degree of adulation, there must be a hidden agenda, she's doing this so she can appeal to that person to get higher grades, to use a bit of the sort of strategies that could be used to tempt someone', and that's not their intention."<br /><br />"Why are we as NTs sometimes so disgusting in the conclusions we draw?"<br /><br />"Because we're looking at ourselves and what we would do in that situation, and realize there can be completely different motives."</i><br /><br />That was a lot of work, but so important.<br /><br />I can see almost every piece of that fits into the situation in which I found myself. I wish someone had had the knowledge in which to explain that to me, to him, back then. I wish someone had had enough of an ability to diagnose me with aspergers! Give me some answers, give me some reasons, give me some explanation for so many things.<br /><br />But, even though this was above and beyond one of the greatest times of my life, it was, at the same time, one of the most confusing.<br /></div>
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He is absolutely brilliant. He knew what he was teaching, he didn't just read it out of some book. And he loved it and made me love it, which is great because now I love Biblical history too! </div>
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I wasn't horrified at the suggestion that it was romantic because I didn't know any better. I believed what I was told, because that's what happens to naive people in school where you honestly sense you aren't as "street smart" as everyone else, so you believe what they are projecting onto you, your friendships/relationships, and your life. And to hear Tony Attwood say "<i>The person who's the focus of this usually recognizes its not sexual, it's not sensual, because they just sense that it's the mind that's being explored." </i>is amazing, because like I said, he never treated me differently, no matter what I was told by other adults, no matter what it seemed like. It's almost like he knew and understood what it was, but didn't really have the words or explanation for it himself, so it must be what everyone is saying... maybe they even projected onto him what it was, because no one had the words, insight, knowledge or sense to see it any other way. Though, parts of me hesitate to assume he thought anything, I'm just thinking of it from my angle both as the student involved and the adult looking back with more wisdom and just plain knowledge than I had back then.</div>
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And the only reason I'm bringing this all back up is because it comes up from time to time. I am doing some different things - counseling/life coaching style things - and a phone group discussion I was faced with "other people's projections" as someone who apparently knows me made the comment of how they were "afraid for me" during that time.<br /><br />Afraid of what, exactly? That's what I would like to know.<br /><br />And unfortunately, as I think about it and roll it around in my head (because that's what I do with everything in my life), I realize with a sinking feeling in my stomach that every single person who knew, every single person who was around in my life back then, every single person in the school, they all knew, and they all projected onto me their assumptions of what was going on. And further, they talked about me behind my back, whether to him or not, I may never know. And they haven't forgotten, and they still think of me on those terms. They were worried. I don't know if they were worried I'd get hurt, or if they were worried I would embarrass myself, or if they were worried that I would come on to him, or do something inappropriate, I don't know what they were worried about. I was a rule following, card carrying perfectionist, but I would break ranks to come on to a teacher because, in their eyes, I was in love.</div>
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And, even if I were in love with him, even when I believed it was true, I followed the rules. I knew what was right and wrong, and I don't think that I would have ever done anything that I would have viewed as crossing the line. I knew and understood there was a line. Others made no mistake to remind me of the line as well, as if they thought they were telling me something I didn't already know.<br /><br />The problem, maybe, is that what I did do they viewed as crossing some line.<br /><br />As an aspie, again, I related better with adults. And that made other adults uncomfortable. They just didn't know what they didn't know.</div>
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Which brings me to my title: Nothing About Us Without Us. </div>
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It's just good life principle to not make assumptions about other people's intentions, motives, thoughts, words, actions, without first checking with them, and clarifying if necessary ("I hear you saying ______, is that right?)<br />How much difference would it have made, in both my life back then, and as a whole, if someone had just asked me what my intentions were, what I liked him for? And maybe I wouldn't have had the words to tell them either. But I still feel there would have been a drastic, clear difference between someone who literally wanted to get him into bed with him, and me who just wanted to pick his brain, have deep conversations about things that mattered, and learn from him! It should have been obvious to any logical adult, but I guess they had already made their minds up what it was, and didn't think it was necessary to ask</div>
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I think everyone who reads this needs to be aware of this human tendency to make assumptions instead of asking. We need to not talk about people as if they are unable to be a part of the conversation, whether autistic or NT. I don't care if they are nonverbal, we need to stop putting words into the mouths of others, our thoughts into their brains, our motives into their motives. From kids to adults, disability or not, we need to make no judgements on people, and allow everyone the benefit of the doubt. For the most part, I believe that most humans are just trying to do the best they know how. Obviously there are exceptions to that, and that's too bad. But we shouldn't let those exceptions be the rule for all people, especially not people we know, especially not our friends. And even more critical to teach those things to kids, so they don't have to be adults who have to change.</div>
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Nothing about ANYONE, without THEM. Let the subject of the rumor have the voice. Don't be afraid to ask people, using discretion to privacy when possible or necessary. Catch yourself when you are starting to make judgements about someone's intentions (yes, I did catch my own judgements above, I don't really have the ability to go back and ask every single one of those people what they think anymore - I'm talking when you do it in your present life, with your current relationships.) And stop others from doing it. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Give people the other side of the coin. Be the one who says "Well, maybe it's not like you say."<br /><br />You might just change someone's world that way.</div>
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Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-12798042634208767232017-09-13T21:07:00.001-05:002017-09-13T21:07:25.795-05:00Thinking Back To College<div style="text-align: center;">
It was discovered today that one of the years I was in college they had something I didn't remember them having: a gun room.<br /><br />It doesn't bother me, I'm not anti gun, and actually it is cool that they have that. People up here are outdoors people, and that includes hunting. I can't remember there EVER being any issues with anyone shooting anyone at that school, or any other school up here for that matter. </div>
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But what I realized most is that there were probably lots of things that were there, happening, or whatever, that I don't remember. I know this not just because of the gun room, but because there are pictures of me being places that I have no memory of being doing things I have no memory of doing. </div>
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I do have a lot of memories, but there are other things that are completely gone. Strange.</div>
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I think I know what happens tho. </div>
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I think that when you are under new circumstances that are stressful, or overwhelming, your tired brain has to choose what it's going to remember or focus on. I could have walked right into that gun room and not remembered it because it was not relevant information to me. I didn't have a gun, so I had no reason to know where the room was, much less use it. </div>
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Does that make sense? Really, if my brain was overloaded, I had no ability whatsoever to learn anything new, take in anything new, or pay attention to details that had nothing to do with me.<br /><br />Things aren't much different today. I have three kids, so if it doesn't have much to do with keeping three children alive, I probably wont remember it without prodding. I have to put anything I need to remember into my "brain" - aka phone calendar - in case something unexpected happens and I forget what day it is or that I had something to do. </div>
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I do not have the processing ability to remember anything that isnt urgent or right before me. :P </div>
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Such is life with an overwhelmed brain I guess.</div>
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That all being said, I still remember details of things better than most people. I remember things people said and how they said it and I swear sometimes they don't even remember.<br />But sometimes, there's just no ability.</div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-91362425355342049582017-09-06T13:41:00.000-05:002017-09-06T13:41:04.667-05:00Checking In, Anxiety Lessened<div style="text-align: center;">
I just hopped over to my blog to post it somewhere, and I was reminded that the last post I was talking about the horrible anxiety.<br /><br />THANKFULLY, the anxiety has lessened. I don't know when or how, exactly, but it did seem to go down a bit when I did two things:<br />1. Gave myself a rule that I wasn't going to look at one certain thing that was giving my anxiety.</div>
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2. Signed up for not one, but two, different counseling things.</div>
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I've already had a couple of sessions with the one - it's over the phone. This lady is fabulous. I've already discovered a couple of things about myself that I didn't realize, so I'm making progress. Maybe this time we can actually figure out solutions (or replacements) for my worrisome anxieties and help me to get better, not just to get to ground level and just wait around for the next depression to drown me. </div>
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I like that a lot. I still worry, right now. I still wonder. I had a quick doctor's appt, which basically did nothing to help since she didn't actually do any testing. But I have a complete physical the end of the month, so maybe I will feel better then.<br /><br />But I have work to do. I don't like work. But it's something I'll have to do because I want to be better, not keep falling down all the time.</div>
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So that's just a quick catch up.<br /><br />Word to the wise: Don't try to go it alone. Don't try to tell yourself, like I have, that you will feel better and it's ok. Get help. Don't live like this. You don't deserve to feel this way. You don't have to feel this way for a day longer. Just get help. Don't worry about the money, you're losing money dealing with this depression, or anxiety, or whatever. Just get help. </div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-35029852989828824542017-07-13T19:27:00.001-05:002017-07-13T19:27:40.756-05:00I Am SOOOOO Done With Anxiety<div style="text-align: center;">
I don't know why. I don't know what. All I know is that for several months now I have been hit hard with some awful, terrible, no good, very bad, overwhelming, life altering, drop dead anxiety, and no matter what I do so far, I can't kick it.<br /><br />I could take a walk (or two) every day.<br />I could eat better (but I do eat rather okay mostly I think).<br />I could pray and read the Bible more.<br />I could listen to better music.<br />I could watch less TV.<br />I could use screens less.<br />I could exercise.<br /><br />But you know what? I really can't. It's almost as if you know the cure is just a foot away, and you can't take one step to get there. You're paralyzed. </div>
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All the info out there telling people what they should do, how they can cure, recover, heal, whatever. All of it means nothing when you literally feel so overwhelmed you just want to sit on the couch all day watching movies (or letting the kids watch movies) and play nonsense on your phone.<br /><br />We haven't had insurance either, so I haven't been able to just go see my doctor. Applying for insurance while self employed is no easy thing. They have these nice little "assistants" to help you apply, but when I went to see her, she wouldn't even look at what I had, I had to have calculated some perfect and pretty little number for her before I came. And that's the PROBLEM - I don't know how. I had to have some serious back and forth with our accountant to figure it out and I still honestly do not know if its going to be okay. I submitted it, finally, after two months since having it restarted (not counting the 6 months of not knowing what to do, figuring we could use our tax return, finding out we had to cancel the kids in order to reapply for all of us, finding out we couldn't use last years tax return at all...). That is finally not hanging over my head anymore.<br /><br />But they will come back and ask for proofs, I'm sure. Then I'll have to send them our handwritten documentation (because that's just how we are doing it at this point) and they will probably not have a clue what they are doing and will make it a huge mess. So, I may have submitted the forms, but I still can't see my doctor because it isn't finalized yet. B lost his insurance too so they won't even send his lady until thats sorted out too. I figured they would just wait for reapplying and back pay, but I guess not. So that's a major bummer as well.<br /><br />Then it rains this dreary, cold rain for like 2 days and I feel so terrible!</div>
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Its just over a week until we leave on our big trip.<br /><br />It makes me wonder if this big trip is what's causing me so much anxiety! I mean, it is a bit daunting, thinking of traveling so far (for the first time as a family), into the mountains a bit (which can be both scary roads and height sickness - tho I hope the little mountains will be ok), with three kids, one of which is a suspicious toddler.. but I thought I was excited about it! I have it all "under control" - I have started my list writing so I don't forget anything I think I need, but I still feel stressed out about getting it all packed. You can't really pack your clothes and not wear clothes all week. </div>
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And hubby ends up not working, after only 3 days of good hauling again, because they have to move to a new job now. Seriously, I'm not prepared for that. We are still learning what it is like, what it is going to look like, working for ourselves. The money is better but there are other responsibilities too, plus waiting around if its "too wet to work", which is what it's been like pretty much all spring.</div>
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I just have so many fears, and as a Christian we are told that we are not to fear, that we are to give them to God.<br />Why do I find that so much easier said than done?<br />Why do I just pray and pray in my mind and in the night that God would just take this all from me, that I would be able to wake and live in peace like I had been before this all started, only to find it constantly crippling me?<br /><br />I've been working on my perfectionism - listening to a great podcast about it. I'm learning quite a lot, and I feel like I can let go of some of that perfectionism, and especially since having #3, I have come a long way.<br /><br />But I think the devil knows that I'm trying to break free, and so in response he is trying to drag me down even deeper into his horrible, depressive pit.</div>
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I think it seems to work around my cycle too, proving that it's probably related to my hormones again. They could suppliment my hormones, but if they do that my milk would dry up, and I feel like if there is one thing I'm doing well in my life, one thing that's going well, one thing that's making me feel like I'm succeeding at something, anything. </div>
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I just want to be past this portion of life. I want to be over it. I guess no, I don't want to go back to the more superficial life, but I want to not get so overwhelmed. I want to be less tired all the time. I want to feel like going outside and doing things. I want to be happier, and healthier. I want to be able to have the strength, motivation and energy to do the things that will make me happier and healthier.<br /><br />I don't know. I just know that I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I'm trapped about how to get out of it. Right now, as I said, insurance is keeping me from seeing my doctor and getting physically (and hormonally) checked out. So now I feel tied down to someone else's ability to act on things so I can act on my end. :( </div>
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I'll get through this, I always do. God always brings me healing after depressive episodes. In the meantime though, I'm left to suffer through it minute by minute some days.</div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-56540569170658381282017-06-11T21:31:00.000-05:002017-06-11T21:31:10.614-05:00Tired and Overwhelmed = Mean<div style="text-align: center;">
I've taken a little self reflection and it didn't take much to realize that I have a problem: when I get tired and overwhelmed, I lose any and all amounts of patience and I get "mean".</div>
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I don't want to do this, so how do I figure this out?</div>
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This is a super short post, but it's just something I'm throwing this out there...</div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-35392025233755530282017-05-22T10:43:00.001-05:002017-05-22T10:43:30.402-05:00Secondary Disturbance<div style="text-align: center;">
So, I recently heard about this thing called 'secondary disturbance', and it was something I had never considered. How many times, I wonder, have I been anxious about being anxious?<br /><br />When I was in school, I would regularly get a sick and icky feeling quite often, but even more often when it was winter, or dark and cloudy, or something sad/bad/frustrating was going on. It was a feeling as if the world was all in grey. My stomach would just ache and feel horrible, and all kinds of other random things.<br /><br />On the rare occassion that I would feel okay, I wonder how many times I psyched myself into being sick again just by worrying about whether or not I was going to feel sick again. </div>
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Anyone else have a similar experience?<br /><br />I think I'm doing it to myself lately, since I have frequently not been feeling well. I think I may have been a bit anemic, and switching up a vitamin I seem to be feeling mostly better. But I am still occassionally having a stomachache that I think fits this description of 'secondary disturbance' better. I may just be worried that I might feel sick again, and feeling sick makes me feel panicky that something else is wrong, and I'm literally making myself sick worrying about feeling sick and worrying that being sick means something is seriously wrong with me!<br /><br />Anyway, short post today, but I had to get that off my chest.</div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-67310268754637382032017-05-01T23:37:00.004-05:002017-05-01T23:42:52.060-05:00Friends & Family and the Confusion Therein<div style="text-align: center;">
A song came on my spotify today that took me back a few years to when I would listen to a radio show of an acquaintance from college. They was working a radio show at my first year college radio station and the song I requested was "too pop 40" for the station, but they thought I would like that song, and I did. I liked many of the songs from that artist, and several others I became connected with because of that suggestion. He's a really hysterical guy, one of the people I figured were too cool for me almost the entire year, so I kept my distance because I wasn't possibly good enough. I barely got to know people before it was over. But I digress....</div>
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And somewhere along the line, that friend disappeared from my fb. My assumptions was they blocked me, and that it were that it was a liberal/conservative sort of thing. I'm getting better at not being rude about beliefs because so many people are so touchy about things. I don't remember having a specific conversation with them where we disagreed, or where I was specifically rude TO them, they just blocked me with no indication as to why.<br />
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Again just recently another acquaintance seems to have blocked me, again I can only assume that things I was sharing in jest of something must have pushed them over the edge? It bothers me because, again, there was no conversation, no arguement, just ... gone.<br />
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Why oh WHY do people do that? I mean, don't you know there is ANOTHER option, UNFOLLOWING someone? Why is BLOCKING someone the action of choice? Why is it that drastic? Some little thing that I post is that horrible that you just silently run from it by BLOCKING me altogether?<br />
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What on earth?! What did I do to you, directly, to make you do that anyway? Did you ever think of asking me, saying something, having a discussion?<br />
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It really shouldn't matter, should it. Really, if that is all it takes to want them out of my life completely, they weren't really friends anyway, right?<br />
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I'm not the kind of person who forgets people though. There's still a DJ I was friends with once that I wish I could at least hear what he's doing now. Again, it's for the best. But I still wonder, because I care about people. If you're in my life, it's because I WANT you there, not because I'm just adding someone to add them. I want the people I connect with to connect with me. Sadly that's rarely the case, I guess.<br />
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I also give people chances. I'm MUCH better at this than I ever used to be, but even years ago I was always too naive to ever think that anyone was doing or saying something specifically to be mean to me. I was the one who was making excuses for them. I still do that. "Maybe they are _____". or "Maybe they arent returning my messages because they haven't been on" or whatever. I try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, because if I were to "take a break" from connection, I wouldn't want people to think it was because I was purposely ignoring them.<br />
But then, why does it go on, and on, and on, and weeks go by, and no response? Why does it go beyond my ability to make excuses for someone, until I can have almost no doubt they are ignoring me for a reason. WORSE, they have no conceivable reason to do so. Again and again I'm having to wonder, what did I ever do to you?<br />
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I've had family members (who to be honest we don't see very often) both completely ignore me even if I sat down right next to them and talked to them, AND when we see them they act all family to my face, but in normal circumstances they completely don't care one bit about me. My sister is apparently fine, and worth talking to, but me? I'm apparently a horrible person who they don't have time for. Again and again, what did I ever do to you?<br />
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I'm smart enough to realize that the problem isn't me, because I haven't done anything deserving to be treated that way. This is their problem. They are missing out by being bitter and mean and shutting people out. But I would still like to sit here and make excuses for their behaviors, justify it or explain it somehow, at least for myself. I want to try to believe anything except that they are actually that rude, mean and hurtful. But as time ticks by, either I get impatient, or they actually are that rude.</div>
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I keep trying to figure out why this happens to me. I keep trying, as I said, to justify their behavior toward me as something having nothing to do with me.<br />
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Every time I'm just as mystified as the last time. It doesn't make any sense, we didn't have any argument, or anything. Just, they were gone. I don't get that. I really don't. </div>
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It's life, I guess. Will never have the explanations for it. It will drive me crazy until the day I die and probably longer.<br />
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In the end, I don't understand it because I am an honest person. And when I'm your friend, I'm really a friend. I'll support your stuff and share your talents and try to connect you with people I know you would like or something. I'm true blue. And I think that it's a real rejection when people drop me like trash, because I don't know how I could have gone wrong. I still have a lot to learn, but dropping me like trash won't teach me anything. At least fill me in so I can be more aware. I am still just a person and aspergers might make me less aware than I aught to be. Just tell me. Don't tell me and block me, tell me and let me figure out what you're saying. Have a conversation you pansy! Don't be afraid to tell me what's the matter and help me understand it and let me explain things. Because OFTEN I have been misjudged and misunderstood. Sometimes I say or do things and it comes across completely wrong. That's a weakness I have, but I can't learn anything from just being dropped. You have to get a backbone and tell me sometimes. It would be at least respectful to the fact that I let you in my life at all.<br />
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So. That.</div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-41205179426187842602017-04-25T18:56:00.000-05:002017-04-25T18:56:57.049-05:00We Survived The Twin Cities!<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm most definitely an introvert.<br />I'm also a country girl. I'm so glad that the one time we thought about moving to a city, we weren't able to. I am seriously grateful. At the time it was disappointing but really I didn't have a lot of disappointment about it because deep down, I know I wouldn't be happy there. But seriously, I'm so grateful to still be living our simple, quiet, peaceful country life!</div>
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This past weekend, we spent three nights - THREE - in the Twin Cities. W.O.W.<br />I've been down there before, and actually was alone and had to do my own driving, so it's not that bad. I go to the MACHE conference for homeschooling. This was my 4th year, though 2 of those were only in Duluth. You are allowed to take babies under 18 months so baby came with me when I was there on Friday. It wasn't so bad, but the carrying of bags is always a problem for me! But still, I thought he wouldn't be too bad in a class or two. NOPE. That was not going to happen. I tried one for about 5 minutes. They record the classes or it might not be so big a deal. Though, apparently, they haven't discovered the beauty in high technology. See, my husband has a headset that he can use to make phone calls, and he can literally be using a chainsaw and I won't hear it. So why can't these people/places figure out how to get a sound system/mic system that doesn't pick up baby noises in the BACK of the room? I mean, it's not like I'm the kind of person who always sits in the front row or something! </div>
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Anyway. So I will have to be ordering recordings of the seminars I wanted to hear because they were GOOD ones. "What do I do with a Resistant Learner", "What about THAT Child" and especially "Attention Obsessive Compulsive Perfectionist Control Freaks". :P </div>
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Anyway, Friday evening we had to get to the MOA because the Sea Life had a homeschool week special rate! SUPER low. So we went. And we survived! We also had long promised our son a trip to the Lego store to pick bricks from the wall. Bonnie even got her own cup full with pink and purple legos! She was pretty happy about that! And they got their own hand made minifigure. We made it to the MOA, and out, and didn't have too much trouble - except the afraid of heights husband who was freaking out the whole time especially at diner when we had to eat on the third floor, right above the Lego store. I got chipotle! Yay! </div>
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<br />Saturday we had some time before the one seminar I really wanted to go to, so we went to Como Zoo! That zoo is always fun and they had Earth Day things there too so we got some free seeds and stuff too! I always end up feeling bad for the giraffes who have such a small enclosure, especially when they are inside all winter! I hope someday they change that and allow them to have more room!</div>
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Then we tried to go to the conference again. I really only wanted to go to one seminar (the Obsessive Compulsive one), so Hubby was going to just somehow man all three kids somewhere - probably the car. HAHA.<br />We get down in that area, and there's thousands of people, and a bunch of loud music and stuff. Some hockey event. No parking. Nowhere to even drop me off, and hubby didn't want to do it anyway. So we gave up, we were all hungry, it was lunch time anyway. So we headed out, found the nearest Perkins and had lunch, then headed to Apple Valley where we had gotten another (better) hotel for the last night of the weekend. </div>
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That was a really good day/night. We just relaxed in the hotel, took a walk and then went to Panera Bread for dinner - someplace we'd never been. WOW is that place amazing. Went to the pool and relaxed. Well, that evening littlest baby fell into the sink counter thing and chipped his front tooth! :( Poor baby. it didnt look too bad, so it's not like I tried calling around at 9 pm for someone to check him out (though now trying to find someplace to check him out I kinda wish I had had the energy to find someone on emergency basis or something). It has to be filed down so I'm hoping I'm going to find someplace to look at it and file it down since its a bit of a scratch when he nurses.</div>
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Anyway, next day, we have a normal morning and check out, planning on heading to the MOA again because we also got special homeschool rate tickets to the Crayola Adventure! It was 9:30, and the mall apparently doesn't open until 11. So, since it was literally right there, we made a last minute stop at the MN Zoo! Left there right after lunch, and went to the MOA. Crayola was wild, although I could have sworn somewhere it said "make your own crayon" when they really mean "make your own label for a crayon we already have". But the kids had a lot of fun doing all of that stuff there, and we got three tins of markers and crayons of our choice (coolest part was you can indeed fit one of every color they had there into the smallest tin). </div>
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We had dinner (Yay for discovering Panera Bread, although I sure could have used another stop at Chipotle) and got out of there around 6 or something. We go out to the car, and we knew when we left the car that the planes were going right over the parking garage, so we looked and sure enough you can see right up the runway from there, so we took some time there and watched planes take off. It's like a bus station, one every 2 minutes or something! Like a well oiled machine, planes coming in from the left, and taking off right toward us, crossing paths, so it seems, but never with any trouble whatsoever. It was kinda cool! With just a few potty stops we got home around 11. </div>
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Now recovery mode! I'm completely worn out. My head hurts. Muscles are sore from constant baby carrying and walking! Crazy how that happens, and I guess I must be getting old and lazy because I don't remember that happening so badly before, though I've never spent three days carrying babies either. That, and pillows in hotels are never good it seems like! I must remember to bring my own pillow from now on. </div>
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But we survived the MOA! TWICE! We have literally never gone, I don't think. (I've been when I was a kid a few times. Camp Snoopy was better.) And this weekend we went TWICE. That's crazy! Got all unpacked (I think) and supposed to start back at the school work this afternoon. whew. Lots of emails to sort, and phone call to make (waiting to hear back from a place to see little baby chipped tooth). Checkbook work to do.<br /><br />And I hope that we don't have to go anywhere for a month. Except the tooth filing I hope to have done for the baby, the MNsure application meeting we have tomorrow... blegh.</div>
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Now, we have to pray like crazy that we did not run into any germs, because I do NOT want to deal with sicknesses.</div>
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One more thing!<br />As we were going home, we opened the windows and hubby noticed at some point it felt like it was getting a bit cooler, and sure enough it was - it had dropped some 20 degrees! See, in the Twin Cities, it had been in the 70s all weekend. We knew that it had snowed a bit at home, but we didn't really realize that when we got north of White Bear Lake, it would be so cold! Here's a map or 2:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFsPkNqTzemxIl2q4JKQCzjy0nGkgWp_qbaZ-wAY2V3M3XM9ErrNvu3wrwU6eT9NjDSZoIDj3qVkb4g67Nyu53M4MDfd2gQB_0qkXBpTkRW_r58ZNSFn0FRVHjhyphenhyphenUg1baPbyowH3m1ok4/s1600/IMG_7919.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFsPkNqTzemxIl2q4JKQCzjy0nGkgWp_qbaZ-wAY2V3M3XM9ErrNvu3wrwU6eT9NjDSZoIDj3qVkb4g67Nyu53M4MDfd2gQB_0qkXBpTkRW_r58ZNSFn0FRVHjhyphenhyphenUg1baPbyowH3m1ok4/s320/IMG_7919.PNG" width="180" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZBPcxo3fBTb7exDr5Ruob6pEplQZsN6HOCgiPKSDprm17pXgwZ_J_Xe0DcyFpFWd1UXQK_JqFhVE9J9htqLMg37SyO3teWiEsJNMB69kbO7W2ejnAG5xMOIk0s2jr8qbjd4QtqVJldqc/s1600/IMG_7920.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZBPcxo3fBTb7exDr5Ruob6pEplQZsN6HOCgiPKSDprm17pXgwZ_J_Xe0DcyFpFWd1UXQK_JqFhVE9J9htqLMg37SyO3teWiEsJNMB69kbO7W2ejnAG5xMOIk0s2jr8qbjd4QtqVJldqc/s320/IMG_7920.PNG" width="180" /></a></div>
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<br />Seriously wild! There are even a couple of rogue temperatures in there, I can assure you at no point was that one spot in the 60s. Which means that other spot was for sure not in the 70s either. I even have my doubts over that one 40 degree mark up there too.<br /></div>
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This post is taking me 2 days to write, so I'll update one little thing: we went to the person to help us with our MNsure and the kids and adults in our case are screwed up. The adults are closed because we didn't send in the renewal. The kids are open, they are through MA instead of MNcare, so I have to call MNcare, see if we can renew, and if not, I have to call the county to cancel the kids before we can reapply. What a mess they have made of this system! That is absolutely rediculous. :( </div>
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But anyway. We are mostly recovered, though it has been quite a battle trying to get some school work done again. Fighting it, and today we had to leave for that meeting, so its extra bad. I hope we get back on track tomorrow. We are already behind this week.</div>
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Just keep swimming...</div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-5724943723963408812017-04-03T21:46:00.000-05:002017-04-03T21:46:16.829-05:00The Haircut<br />
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So, we've been kinda celebrating.<br />Celebrating my husband's hard working paying off, how hard he works for us and how he's finally achieved a dream of working for himself, with his own truck. He's done so well! Now that he's on spring break (when road restrictions go on so you can't haul as much, around here called 'breakup') we have been doing some things to celebrate.<br /><br />We bought a new fridge. Ours is as old as the house (1997 or something like that), and it has started to just run and run and run and the temperature didnt seem quite right. The water in the door had stopped working well, a seal or something would leak if we used the water, tho we were still using ice. And we knew it was time. We also wanted something bigger. We got a new dishwasher. We knew that was on the list next too, but what spurred it right now was the price. There was one there that was on discount because it had a ding in it, and we were even offered a bigger deal on it over the marked price, so SOLD!<br /><br />We also spent a weekend away, which we often do this time of year whether we should or not, because after a long winter it is just time to do that. On our way, my hubby wanted a haircut, something I usually do but hadn't had the time to do lately. So all of us (except baby) got a haircut. #2 B and I had gotten one not that long ago, I think January, but I thought we would go for at least a little trim. I thought #2 B wanted to go for a summer bob, but I think she was too worried about it? I don't know. She got a shoulder length.<br /><br />Me, I was going for a certain look:<br /><br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTwAfTDnfeDeV_2DckWGvOYN3g2cwrj2QqELZcNoDRBUySs02VJHnNlMpya1r54TzU1klM-l0IN0K9843NicF3nU8P-k4x3-hOyMrjdjm7CDmGA1x6bOmm-P4Lk1O9_90io6PW_EhJkNY/s1600/5f79b1d1562a309efeca928da9e83eaf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTwAfTDnfeDeV_2DckWGvOYN3g2cwrj2QqELZcNoDRBUySs02VJHnNlMpya1r54TzU1klM-l0IN0K9843NicF3nU8P-k4x3-hOyMrjdjm7CDmGA1x6bOmm-P4Lk1O9_90io6PW_EhJkNY/s200/5f79b1d1562a309efeca928da9e83eaf.jpg" width="133" /></a></div>
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What I got was:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_WwhohuqX7ns-qfGPK5bk2jHO4QstiRl017kfMienMQ0dSFzDkmor2vMAU4OJdOkgfp4000Q-sPjZS-i8JSG7X6D5jFhKsn8QxJh_G0w56nzjMHDA2vz1dd4qNn5NVhw0lqSnhKtTwk4/s1600/Victoria-Beckhams-Haircut.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="198" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_WwhohuqX7ns-qfGPK5bk2jHO4QstiRl017kfMienMQ0dSFzDkmor2vMAU4OJdOkgfp4000Q-sPjZS-i8JSG7X6D5jFhKsn8QxJh_G0w56nzjMHDA2vz1dd4qNn5NVhw0lqSnhKtTwk4/s200/Victoria-Beckhams-Haircut.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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The back is super short. Like, my son's haircut. That freaked me out the most. I've had bobs like this in the past, a couple times. But never have I ever had it this short anywhere on my head, nor had I wanted it this short.</div>
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I did ask for VB's haircut, but I was thinking of the more grown out version. I guess it wasn't even on my radar that she had started it out this short. :P I was still thinking I'd come out with shoulder length in the front, but it's cheek to chin length now.<br /><br />Well, I followed myself through stages of greif. What I learned is that you don't always go through them and get over it. You go through them, then you go through them again. Sometimes you don't go through them in the same order, sometimes you get depression first. </div>
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Anyway. I'm glad to say that I think I am finally through it. What got me through it was yesterday I ended up finally looking for pictures of what I wanted, and I had an easier time finding the short short version, instead of the longer version. So at least I know when I said "like Victoria Beckham had a while back..." I know what she saw in her mind. And, that the cut I wanted is only a couple inches off, and I will still get it! </div>
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If nothing else, it taught me I need to be more merciful to my husband. You know how you tell people things to make them feel better about something they don't like? My hubby doesn't like his gray hair. I'm a bit younger, so I don't share his problem (yet, they are starting to show up tho...), so I guess I can't really understand. But I don't care, I like him as he is. I'd like him as a dyed blonde too, which is what he always used to do. I married an older man, and I prefer that. :P But he really doesn't. He just doesn't like it. I just didn't like this cut either. And telling me it was fine didn't help at the time either.</div>
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Mostly, this haircut was unexpected and a huge irreversible change. Aspies don't like that. Especially, I would say, with their appearance. It's hard enough when something changes outside of yourself. I think that's much worse when it's a part of you, especially when it was a change you didn't ask for and didn't expect.<br /><br />But given time, space, safety to cry, we get through it. The comments of how good it looks didn't help me feel better, but it helps now. At least I don't look weird. Well, at least no one tells me I do. </div>
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Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-29551765747540014502017-03-13T22:06:00.000-05:002017-03-13T22:06:01.691-05:00Go All Out!<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm not really a risk taker. I don't have any desire to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, IF you could get me ON the airplane in the first place! I won't ever feel the need to bungee jump just to prove something, it's not on my bucket list or something. I don't want to do things that make me scared because I have enough stress, anxieties and fears, I don't need to purposely do more things...</div>
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But I have noticed that there have been a few times when I did things that were pretty risky!</div>
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I don't consider getting married young "risky". In fact, I encourage it. Don't make a life and try to fit someone else in it, get married and then make a life together. That's kinda the point. When you make your own life, you end up kinda stubborn and unwilling to accept someone else's mess. Anyway, I digress.</div>
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<br />However, when I got married, I took a risk. It wasn't the spouse, the dress, the age, the timing. It was the location.<br />We got married outside, at the lake near where we grew up. </div>
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Did I have a back up location? Nope. I just prayed it wouldn't rain. It didn't. Not even close. But if it had? I had NO backup. I have no idea what we would have done. Maybe we would have gotten married in the rain? I don't know. I guess we would have had some friends pull some strings at the Lutheran Church, which would have been the biggest in town. But I had no plan. </div>
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I did something else too like that.<br /><br />I had a homebirth without backup.<br />I mean, I know where we would have gone, just for simplicities sake, but I probably would have wanted to go to my "normal doctor" in the other town. But still, I had no backup. I didn't talk to them and ask if they would be there if we transferred. Though I think this is probably normal for homebirths, I was thinking about it the other day and made the connection between this risk and the wedding location risk. I had NO backup. I went ALL IN on my plans, and just prayed it wouldn't rain, and that nothing would go wrong.<br /><br />I am so lucky. Everything went just fine, and beautiful, and I have these two incredible experiences. </div>
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Maybe someday I will jump out of a perfectly good airplane.<br /><br />As long as its a foot from the ground.</div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-25565435998253624972017-02-14T21:16:00.000-06:002017-02-14T21:16:11.895-06:00Anxiety, My Old Friend, Nice To See You<div style="text-align: center;">
It has been tough lately again. Mostly, inside. However, as you might expect, what is inside comes outside. Tho, I honestly don't feel as if things on the outside are much different. So I don't know.<br /><br />I've been plagued with non stop anxiety about this thing or that thing, this means that and that means this. OH NO I'M DYING. Know what I mean? If you don't suffer from anxiety, then you probably don't. </div>
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It has been a little out of control lately and it has to stop.<br /><br />I just don't know exactly how.<br /><br />I have gotten over a couple of little things I was freaking out about - thanks to prayer and logic. However, once one thing eases up, another thing pops up.<br /><br />So now I've got a crazy numb tingle down a leg, and I'm sure it means my bad posture has caught up with me and I'm giving myself back problems. I probably should be seeking out some help with massage or chiropractic. Somehow the thought of setting that up, finding somewhere for the kids to be, leaving them for an hour (the little one mostly), and actually going to things makes me stressed out.<br /><br />It is actually that I have to do some kind of muscle therapy, strengthening, physical therapy. Only our insurance is in flux right now - we didn't renew because we didn't have enough information to give them for income. Of course.</div>
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So many balls in the air and none of them are going to be caught it seems like. I don't know.</div>
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I don't really like this. I don't really think it's fun. Go ahead, say all the cliche things. However don't forget that if I could just make it go away, I wouldn't have invited it to come and stay in the first place!<br />So have patience with me. Give me your tips. Send me your prayers. Thanks.</div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-37074104525804596672017-01-15T19:01:00.000-06:002017-01-15T19:01:58.343-06:00Overwhelm In Florida<div style="text-align: center;">
Part of the fun of being an adult diagnosed aspie is looking back at my life, and even remembering specific moments, and being able to explain to myself, or others, why things were a certain way for me, or why I behaved a certain way.</div>
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<br />I thought of just one of those times recently, and I couldn't get it out of my head. So I get to put that to words now!<br /><br />When I was in school, we got to take a band trip to Florida for an All American Music Festival! It was literally a once in a lifetime opportunity. They didn't return to Florida for that again until last year, 15-16 years after we went (or so). We had the band, choir and a smaller group of us in show choir! Basically, for a few years, or one year, they had a required class up against choir in the schedule. So many of us couldn't take choir, so we made up our own choir group that met in the morning before school, and we did show tunes and stuff like that. We sang and did choreography. It was pretty genius, looking back.</div>
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Well, when we went, of course it included things like Disneyworld, Epcot, and Animal Kingdom (if I remember right).</div>
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I think the moment I am thinking of was after a long day at Disneyworld. Now, it's March, but in Florida. We left Minnesota in snow, and came back to more sticky wet snow (which felt great on sunburns). So it was warm. And you've just stuck an undiagnosed aspie into a VERY busy place. I had a pretty good time, despite being hung out to dry by a friend. She teased me about calling my favorite teacher, really strung me along quite a while, then flipped the switch and started calling me a freak and really spazzing out on me. I ended up in my mom's room (she was a chaperone, luckily) and ended up wandering around with her. But still, as fun as it might have been, and as beautiful and exciting, after a long day doing that, I was pretty much exhausted. I wasn't just tired physically either, I was emotionally exhausted. Top that off with some overstimulation (which none of us would have realized was happening) and you have a pretty unhappy picture!<br /><br />So, we get to the parking lot and something had happened with the buses, like ours wasn't there or the one there had broke down or something. I don't remember. But I know there was a long long wait for our bus. And because they were bored, they decided we would do some of our songs or something. Which doesn't bother me, until they wanted to do show choir songs and choreography. I DID NOT WANT TO. I don't know how long it went on, but I did NOT want to do it. I tried to tell them I was tired, I didn't feel like it, just do it without me, just leave my place open or whatever in the lines and just do it themselves. But they would NOT leave me alone and finally forced me to do it. I hated the fact that I was ignored and disrespected and it marred my experience. A lot of that came from the fact that no one understood my needs or why I felt that way. </div>
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Looking back now, I know I was just overwhelmed, and forcing someone to cooperate or socialize, who's spent all day in a loud, noisy, sunny, hot walkabout isn't really a good idea.</div>
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I still to this day do not know what their problem was with just doing it without me. There is no reason that they had to force me to do it. I really don't. They could have done it without me while I continued to recover from the day. Then oddly so many people called it a highlight. Really? A highlight, but at my expense. Thanks.</div>
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I see my son all the time becoming uncooperative and overwhelmed and not wanting to participate. There are many times when it is unavoidable and he has to continue the course. But when there are situations when we can avoid it, we put him somewhere where he can be alone and get over it himself. That is very effective, actually. <br />Had they just left me alone, they wouldn't have aggravated me more than I already was, and I might have joined in when I was ready all on my own without their forceful coercion. That would have made the experience much happier, and comfortable, and memorable.<br /><br />Which leads into just a general comment on respect. </div>
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We as humans need to start paying attention to our own actions. We need to accept that people can only give what they give, do what they do, offer what they offer, whatever. We often have expectations of people that are not always fair. We can't expect everyone to be the same. Worse is when you have to realize that you can't expect everyone to be the same kind of person you are. I've lost friends over this. When you expect people will drive the same mile for you that you do for them, you will eventually be disappointed. And with some people, you will be disappointed OFTEN. </div>
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We need to give people their autonomy. We need to be able to ask them to participate, and not force them. We need to accept a "no" for an answer, and let them join in when they are ready. Having an argument and forcing them will only lead to scars. I know it did for me. I don't lose sleep at night, but I can still hear their critical voices basically telling me I was stupid for trying to stand up for my own needs to recover. Their voices still ring in my head as clear as if it were yesterday.<br /><br />Some people will remember things like that too. They will remember the scars you left behind, but not so much any good you did.<br /><br />And again, teenagers have brain damage, and don't act rationally. :P </div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6401382499432771949.post-50128876717344022412017-01-03T12:27:00.000-06:002017-01-03T12:28:06.973-06:00Drowning In Illness:: Holiday Recap<div style="text-align: center;">
I forgot to check the last time I made a post. But I can be almost certain it was before October 2016, right?</div>
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We have had almost non stop illness since October/November. Thanksgiving thru now has found someone sick on every single day it seems. Although, it takes me longer to recover from the stress and overwhelm of having sick kids, so I always feel like they are sicker longer than they are because I'm still forced to try to recover.<br />
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Top that off with an extra dose of naughtiness (maybe due to the sickness?) and it has made for one heck of a fall/winter so far. We don't normally get sick very often, so this has been very unusual and taxing. And we don't seem to be alone, so many people are sick, even up to the <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/queen-elizabeth-ii-misses-church-service-due-heavy-cold-article-1.2930722" target="_blank">Queen</a>.<br />
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I managed to get most of normal Christmas stuff done. However it took me much much longer than normal. One kid won't stay in bed in the morning, one kid won't stay in bed at night, and yet another won't even go to sleep or stop crying long enough for me to wrap presents. It was interesting, having to spread it all out over several days and weeks. I don't like it. </div>
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I still have a few presents to wrap. Luckily, my siblings didn't come for Christmas, so all their presents are still here, even if some are unwrapped. I hope to get to them, but it's really hard. I even had to finish a present for my dad and was kinda glad I didn't see them on Christmas because I couldn't finish in time. </div>
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It was hectic.<br />
I was stressed.<br />
I've been and continue to be overwhelmed.</div>
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I don't like it.<br />
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My husband is being patient with me about the tree being up. I don't want to take it down before my siblings have been here and done presents. It is fine to maintain it being up. But with undetermined plans for my siblings whether they will come up or not, I don't know how long we will have to wait.<br />
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Part of the problem too has been the weather. With a huge Christmas day storm, and then a storm New Years night - 2nd as well, it left pretty much little to no travel safety for them to come here. My brother was off all week but his girlfriend wasn't, so they couldnt come up either when the weather was good.<br />
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It's hard to not feel as if I'm just not a priority to some people. This isn't just about Christmas or New Years, I feel like this often. If someone hasn't talked to me in a while, or something like that, I get all confused as to what the "rules" are of our friendship. I mean, to me, a friend should talk to you, think about you, post silly things to you (see the online friendship rule there?), and send you pictures or something. They should be interested in what you are interested in.<br />
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When they aren't, I just automatically assume our friendship isn't close, or worthy of paying attention to, or something. Like, distance (which is true of 99.9% of all my friendships) keeps them from being an actual part of my life, but online should help, shouldn't it?<br />
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I hate when things are always one sided too. Many a friendship ends because it's only one sided. If you are doing all the driving, all the present buying or card sending, all the talking.... and they are never responding, it's not worth it. At least, not to me. I mean, if people are on social media, and you comment on their stuff, shouldn't they at least 'like' your comments or your own posts or something? Something so that you know they are communicating? </div>
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I'm kinda getting away from my talking of the holiday overwhelm, and illness overwhelm, but alas.</div>
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I think we had a really good Christmas season anyway. We got great presents for the kids. Hubby's working for himself really afforded us the ability to do things we wouldn't have been able to before. My favorite part of Christmas isn't what I get anymore, but seeing people we know get things from us, things we bought and chose for them. Hubby's parents are so great lately, and I've taken a new appreciation of them or something, and we really got them quite a few things this year. The typical ornaments and pictures we would get usually, but MIL likes tablecloths, and usually only has the ones that hang down. They slide all over, and it's pretty difficult to use them with our kids around. So we bought them some with elastic in them, even a clear one so they can use it over their old tablecloths, as well as over their pretty table if they wanted. And puzzles. They love puzzles, and usually get quite a few of those going over the winter. One I had given to my grandma before she died, I gave to them. We actually put it together here at the house Christmas day. That was fun. :) We don't do puzzles much anymore because children, fingers, and pieces finding the floor. :P<br />
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Anyway, I keep trying to refocus on the joy people have had with the things we (I - since I do the shopping) got them. I just LOVE getting things for people and really the only excuse I ever get to do it is Christmas.<br />
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It's sad that it didn't turn out with as much family as normal, and that we still are waiting for my siblings. Still, it was happy, and full of those blessings we often take advantage of. Food, Warmth, Strength, Good Health (despite slight illnesses which in perspective are really no big deal), Having Enough and THEN SOME. </div>
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We are truly lucky. Some days I realize that we are really lucky. </div>
Ericka Autiegirl http://www.blogger.com/profile/12992151994463989419noreply@blogger.com1