Rumors, Rejections, Misunderstanding, Aspergers

 "Ericka may feel quite insecure and/or pessimistic about the future. She may also feel inferior to others, has little self-confidence, and does not always feel capable of solving her problems."

"Ericka has very few friends, and others think she is hard to get to know. She is quiet, submissive, and conventional, and she lacks self-confidence in dealing with other people. Individuals with this passive and withdrawing lifestyle are often unable to assert themselves appropriately and are frequently taken advantage of by others."

"The MCMI-III pattern achieved by Ericka suggests an ongoing conflict between her desire to develop secure and warm relationships and a fear of having to relate to others she cannot or will not trust. Ericka wants to be close and affectionate with others but anticipates disillusionment from such relationships. She may lack self-esteem and expect to be humiliated. Others may have either deprecated or disapproved of her self-expressive attempts. Ericka's relations with others may often be petulant and passively aggressive, causing others to view her possibly as a sulky, irritable, and argumentative person. Occasionally, Ericka may attack others capriciously for their lack of support and for what she sees as their unreasonable expectations and demands. To bind her anger and thereby protect herself against further isolation, she may become anxiously depressed and withdraw into her own world. It would appear that Ericka's daydreaming and moodiness frequently evoke negative reactions from others, which only serve to reinforce her withdrawal tendencies.

Ericka may feel that she is unable to muster the wherewithal to overcome the deficits she sees in her life or to achieve the support she desires from others. Hence, she may vacillate, turning first against herself, expressing feelings of unworthiness and uselessness, then turning against others, acting petulant and irresponsibly. Feeling unappreciated and demeaned by others, she may find that withdrawing and daydreaming provides her with some satisfactions that are otherwise unattainable."

"Ericka displayed strong empathy for animals and children, but her understanding of adult emotions and behaviors appeared intellectualized. Ericka described several situations where, much to her surprise, others had to explain to her that her behaviors were having a strong negative impact on them."

I am once again taken by surprise that someone would take my words to mean something they do not mean. Trying not to get into details here, but fact of the matter is that I try to trust people, and this is the thanks that I get! Rumors are spread about something I "supposedly said", which I didn't actually say at all, and now people are hurt. Of course, I'm hurt too. How could anyone take someone else's words, twist them and then turn around and stab me in the back with them? 

This is a repetitive story that seems to be happening over and over in my life. I think I can trust someone, and BAM! I'm proven again and again that I cannot. DURING the accusation, I blame myself. Tell myself how its highly likely that I did do what I'm being accused of. Desperation takes over, as I try to figure out where and how I went wrong. I search, I ask, I reflect. I find nothing.

Then I'm usually left for very strong emotions. Emotions of anger that I was misunderstood. Emotions of sadness and tears that I am so alone. Emotions of frustration that I'm still living where I am, even though I am finally desperate to get out of here. Frustration that even though I stay out of people's lives and privacy, yet they do not stay out of mine. Fears of being misunderstood. Confusion about how to make it right when apologizing doesn't seem to do the job. Pain that I'm always being used, taken advantage of, and I never know it until its too late and someone else is hurt over something said about me, which is usually a lie.

It's the real life version of a hollywood gossip magazine. If you read it/hear it from there, its a lie. 

Sometimes I know or can find out who has broken my trust, but often I don't know, which makes it worse. Which person out of this group of people could it have possibly been? NOW what do I do? How can I prevent this kind of misunderstanding in the future? How can I be sure this person won't attack me this way again? Why are they doing this? What, is there no one else to gossip about, so we have to pick on that "strange" girl who doesn't hang out with anyone in town (and whom we know nothing about, so really, we don't have any true statements to make about her)? Who are these people and why are they even involved in my life, why do they even care what I do or say anyway?

I remember a time where a friend of mine led me along on this idea we would do something, and I was kinda excited about it. Then at the last minute she pulled the rug out from under my feet, called me all kinds of names, and rejected me and teased me because I would want to do such a thing. It was all so innocent. I was trying to be cool about it, and it was HER IDEA. I won't ever forget it. I feel as if I saw my own "deer in headlights" face and I can't get the burned memory of that experience out of my head. 

Trust me. If I had actually done what I'm accused of doing, NO ONE would learn the lesson more than me. However, if I were the kind of person who would actually have done what I'm accused of, I probably would learn nothing. If I were the kind of heartless person who would talk about someone else in order to ruin their reputation, I guess I probably wouldn't care.

But I do care. I want people's respect. I want my words to be taken the way I mean them, not the way someone gossips about them.
And for once in my life, I would like to NOT take responsibility for something I didn't do. Like I said, my first gut reaction is to be responsible, on the small chance that I DID accidentally or inavertantly say something or do something that could have been misunderstood. I don't want to lie, and to end up finding out I was wrong to defend myself and say I didn't. Unfortunately, this probably ends up making me seem more guilty when I am not at fault. 

I have this bad trait of accepting people. I have this bad sense of judgement when it comes to whom I can trust. I have this inability to screen people for their trustworthiness. I would really like to think that people I let into my little bubble are people I can trust. I am already selective to my social groups because I don't have the time or energy for a lot of drama, and because of these kinds of experiences, I'm protective of myself! So when someone who is apparently IN my little bubble stabs me in the back, I take it as a reflection of my poor choice to let them in. I take it as a reflection of my poor judgement, thinking I could trust them to properly understand me. I blame myself for allowing someone to be so misunderstanding of me as a person, that my words were taken in a way that they were never meant to be taken. They didn't know me well enough to know what I meant by what I said, and that somehow is my fault. I shouldn't have trusted them so completely. I shouldn't have let them into that messy statement. I should have known better than to say something that could have been misinterpreted so badly and wrongly.

So, see, it's my fault. Again, I'm taking responsibility for the fact that someone misunderstood my words, and stabbed me in the back with them. It's my fault I said anything that I should have kept private. It's my fault that I trusted them. I'm praying and searching and seeking for the ability to see where I went wrong. To have some kind of proof I am the "bad person" they say I am. Because I tend to believe people, and what they say, even if I know in my heart they are wrong, maybe there's a possibility that they are right. Maybe I just didn't see it. 

After an examination of the facts, I can discover... "no, wait, I've checked, I'm still pretty sure on my position."

I am heartbroken for the person who was hurt. Not because I got "caught", but because they are being used by someone who misunderstood and twisted something I said to mean something it does not. I am heartbroken because I want to be trusted, and now I don't think they can trust me. I'm heartbroken because they were just as emotional, just as hurt as I am. Because I didn't filter my public use of words good enough. Because I use a "public" place to vent my frustrations at all. Because I use it too much. Because I trusted someone, and I don't even know who, and now I know I can't trust people again. I hate this reminder.

I'm really tired of being used. This kind of life is exhausting. It makes me fearful for someone to have this kind of intentions toward me, especially when I don't know which direction its coming from. Its like being blind and not knowing who smacked you upside the head with a brick.

This is Aspergers. Not able to understand or believe or see why someone would want to behave this way. Being innocent and naive makes it really easy for people to use you. Not understanding the drama, the game playing, the advantage to putting someone else down. How does a person gain anything by lying and twisting and manipulating? How do they sleep at night living that way? If I acted like they say I do, and if I acted like they are, the guilt would eat me alive, and I would probably kill myself, or at the least, self medicate through drugs and alcohol. NO WONDER. Makes things make sense a little bit around here.

I've been taken advantage of. I'm tired of it. You think you know me, you rumor spreaders, you word twisters. God is the only person who knows every single part of me. God knows the intentions of my heart when I post or say things. I'll be honest, I'm not perfect, and my intentions are not always perfect either. But honestly, it doesn't happen often because I consider myself an honest person, and I consider myself to be someone who says what she means, means what she says, and doesn't have any hidden implied meanings or game playing or drama. I don't understand people playing those games with me, why would I play them myself?

 Why me? Why me again?

You know the part in "Never Been Kissed" where she reveals she is a 25 year old reporter who's been beating her brains out trying to impress those popular kids? Then she says they will spend a lifetime putting others down because it makes them feel better - and points to the "nerdy" girl and says "WHY HER!!"

Story of my life. Why me? Why do people want to hurt me? Why do people pick ME as someone to gossip about, someone to tell nasty lies about, spread rumors about? Why are they working so hard to imagine up these words, these situations, these lies, about me? What is so important about me that I'm chosen to be gossipped about. Why isn't there ONE person out there who is willing to be like "You know, I don't think thats true." Why isn't there ONE person out there who could stop the rumors? 

I'm just riddled with emotions, thoughts, confusions, frustrations, fears.

OK! Now that I've posted about it, refreshed your memory back to my original diagnosis information, and elaborated on my thought process.... I'm moving on to my normal life. I'm moving into my head for a few days. If I don't post, please don't think I've given up on the blog, but I need a vacation. Thanks.