Examples of plans going wrong...

I wish I had the words to express this the way I'm thinking it.

I plan things. I think naturally, I'm a planner. Although life recently doesn't show it. I fly by the seat of my pants mostly now, but I'm not convinced that this makes me very happy. I like plans.

I even plan simple things, like how my day is going to go.
Example #1: I drive to work planning I will do a certain job. I could either be happy about this particular job I'm planning on doing, or dreading it. When I get to work, often I'm wrong, and end up doing a different job. Again, this can make me happy or disappointed, because I do like different jobs more than others, and in addition, right now I have tendonitis requiring me to wear a splint, and its much harder to do some of the jobs that I used to like. So, these days its harder.

Mostly, I get disappointed when the plan I had in mind doesn't happen.

Example #2: I can plan that tonight I'm going to go for a run. But it rains, the bugs are bad, husband ends up busy and can't be here to watch the kid, or my battery on my phone is too close to dead. Then I end up feeling like the evening is wasted because things didn't go to plan.

Example #3: Family from either side can be visiting. I'll picture that they will come over to my house to visit, maybe we will even make supper. Maybe I'll call to where they are and see if there is a plan. More often than not, family leaves, they NEVER stop in to see me, and I am again disappointed that my plans didn't go as I imagined them, and add in the additional fact that I expect more from family than normal people because of the expectation or "picture" that family is supposed to care about you more than anyone else because they are family. This particular mentality is ever changing and is starting to separate a bit into "family members who will" and "family members who wont" and I am expecting less from certain family members, which hurts, but it hurts less than expecting something they cannot or will not perform.

Example #4: I have plans to go to work. Kid gets sick. Now, I'm very sad for kid who is sick. I want to stay with him and help him when he's not feeling well. But it is a HUGE disruption to my plans, and again, I end up disappointed that I had gotten up mentally prepared to go to work, and now I'm staying home (which I honestly prefer anyway) and I'm upset because that wasn't the plan. This one I recover from quicker than most. :P

Example #5: I imagine the life of someone else. I imagine the things that will happen in their life. I can't wait to see them _______. I don't really have interest in sharing this thought with them, but sometimes and with certain people I do. I also do this in my own life, like imagining I would get married, wait a couple years, and have a kid (which I followed exactly in that order because, obviously, I have control over that!). 

Usually, my "plans" for other people also do not match up to what I have expected or imagined. I KNOW they are imaginary thoughts. I KNOW I have NO control or power over the life, choices, or outcomes of anybody else. Usually, I end up not caring about the results, in the way that its ok, because their life goes on, my life goes on, everything is fine. It is just in the initial period that I'm thrown off. I don't know how to respond to myself and the disappointment that I feel that my picture is now adequately scribbled on in black ink. 

I guess I have always been this way. I like to plan things. Conversations even. This is probably due to the social anxiety, I tend to plan what I'm going to say if I can. This way, #1 I have something to say (because I struggle with coming up with something on the fly..) and #2, I can already prepare words instead of searching for them or tripping over them. I can sometimes feel like I'm stuttering!
In another way, I have conversations that are "planned conversations" but they are more imaginary, for blowing off steam, for all the things I SHOULD have said, or for releasing tension about something, someone, or an interaction or something. Yes, people, I talk to myself. In the car is a great place because no one is there. Now, don't go driving around in my direction to see if I'm talking to myself. I do listen to music a lot as well, and I don't just listen, I SING.

Anyway, I'm just trying to give you some idea about why I might be upset sometimes. I have preplanned something. And when it didn't go the way I pictured it, I feel out of control, or unbalanced, or fretful. This isn't because I'm a control freak or NEED to control you or anyone or anything really, I just like to be prepared for things. I like to imagine whats going to happen so that I can be prepared for any social, emotional, and physical experiences I might have or something.

Emotional surprises are hard for me because I have had no way to prepare for them. Then usually I end up reacting wrongly, regretting how I acted because it wasn't how I truly felt or feel, and .... its just completely awkward. Then I'm wishing for a redo.

This happens to me a lot, and I'm sure that it drives my husband crazy. He is SUCH a good guy, and he hasn't ever been mean to me about it or anything, and sometimes he "lets me have my way", which by the way, isn't usually what will "solve the problem" or help get rid of the mood. Getting my way isn't really what I want, I just wanted things to go how I pictured them, and now theres a "smear" of how it DIDN'T go that way already in there, so it doesn't matter if I "get my way" or not.
Poor Hubby, he asked me to marry him while driving a pickup somewhere. I begged him for a "redo" - for him to do it like I pictured it, down on one knee and etc. He never did. Which I'm willing to forgive him for because he did mean it, and we have a wonderful life together. Is the proposal of "my dreams" worth giving up on for him? Yep. See, sometimes things not going as planned is ok. I just need recovery time. An hour, a day, a year. Whatever. :)

Overstimulated

Sometimes, I get really antsy, and I really just need to be alone. Sometimes I run from any and all interactions, and just prefer to read, zone out on the computer, or whatever.

I get overstimulated. I think I get overstimulated more often than I realize, and I just do what I do without knowing that theres a reason I'm running away.

Today I was running a vacuum cleaning corners and such at the place I work. This means hours of running this vacuum. At one point when I was moving something the other workers had music on and it was up rather loud. Just way too much stimulation, I was really getting a pounding head, my ears hurt, they were ringing, and I just needed to be away. I had to finish my job unfortunately. But lunchtime, I just needed to be alone.

Often, this makes me seem upset, angry, annoyed, whatever. Really, I am. Usually I'm not upset at anyone in particular, but if you cross me, even slightly, during my overstimulation, I will be upset with you. See, I can't handle any more stimulation aka talking, drama, attitude, anything. I just need to have, I guess more controlled environment with less "going on". I need to escape!

So. That is what I was thinking about today. Overstimulation is something I'm becoming more aware of, and its something I need to find a way to notice BEFORE it becomes an all consuming problem. Though, sometimes I still can't escape the overstimulation, so I don't know what I would do about it even if I knew ahead of time.. :P

Rumors, Rejections, Misunderstanding, Aspergers

 "Ericka may feel quite insecure and/or pessimistic about the future. She may also feel inferior to others, has little self-confidence, and does not always feel capable of solving her problems."

"Ericka has very few friends, and others think she is hard to get to know. She is quiet, submissive, and conventional, and she lacks self-confidence in dealing with other people. Individuals with this passive and withdrawing lifestyle are often unable to assert themselves appropriately and are frequently taken advantage of by others."

"The MCMI-III pattern achieved by Ericka suggests an ongoing conflict between her desire to develop secure and warm relationships and a fear of having to relate to others she cannot or will not trust. Ericka wants to be close and affectionate with others but anticipates disillusionment from such relationships. She may lack self-esteem and expect to be humiliated. Others may have either deprecated or disapproved of her self-expressive attempts. Ericka's relations with others may often be petulant and passively aggressive, causing others to view her possibly as a sulky, irritable, and argumentative person. Occasionally, Ericka may attack others capriciously for their lack of support and for what she sees as their unreasonable expectations and demands. To bind her anger and thereby protect herself against further isolation, she may become anxiously depressed and withdraw into her own world. It would appear that Ericka's daydreaming and moodiness frequently evoke negative reactions from others, which only serve to reinforce her withdrawal tendencies.

Ericka may feel that she is unable to muster the wherewithal to overcome the deficits she sees in her life or to achieve the support she desires from others. Hence, she may vacillate, turning first against herself, expressing feelings of unworthiness and uselessness, then turning against others, acting petulant and irresponsibly. Feeling unappreciated and demeaned by others, she may find that withdrawing and daydreaming provides her with some satisfactions that are otherwise unattainable."

"Ericka displayed strong empathy for animals and children, but her understanding of adult emotions and behaviors appeared intellectualized. Ericka described several situations where, much to her surprise, others had to explain to her that her behaviors were having a strong negative impact on them."

I am once again taken by surprise that someone would take my words to mean something they do not mean. Trying not to get into details here, but fact of the matter is that I try to trust people, and this is the thanks that I get! Rumors are spread about something I "supposedly said", which I didn't actually say at all, and now people are hurt. Of course, I'm hurt too. How could anyone take someone else's words, twist them and then turn around and stab me in the back with them? 

This is a repetitive story that seems to be happening over and over in my life. I think I can trust someone, and BAM! I'm proven again and again that I cannot. DURING the accusation, I blame myself. Tell myself how its highly likely that I did do what I'm being accused of. Desperation takes over, as I try to figure out where and how I went wrong. I search, I ask, I reflect. I find nothing.

Then I'm usually left for very strong emotions. Emotions of anger that I was misunderstood. Emotions of sadness and tears that I am so alone. Emotions of frustration that I'm still living where I am, even though I am finally desperate to get out of here. Frustration that even though I stay out of people's lives and privacy, yet they do not stay out of mine. Fears of being misunderstood. Confusion about how to make it right when apologizing doesn't seem to do the job. Pain that I'm always being used, taken advantage of, and I never know it until its too late and someone else is hurt over something said about me, which is usually a lie.

It's the real life version of a hollywood gossip magazine. If you read it/hear it from there, its a lie. 

Sometimes I know or can find out who has broken my trust, but often I don't know, which makes it worse. Which person out of this group of people could it have possibly been? NOW what do I do? How can I prevent this kind of misunderstanding in the future? How can I be sure this person won't attack me this way again? Why are they doing this? What, is there no one else to gossip about, so we have to pick on that "strange" girl who doesn't hang out with anyone in town (and whom we know nothing about, so really, we don't have any true statements to make about her)? Who are these people and why are they even involved in my life, why do they even care what I do or say anyway?

I remember a time where a friend of mine led me along on this idea we would do something, and I was kinda excited about it. Then at the last minute she pulled the rug out from under my feet, called me all kinds of names, and rejected me and teased me because I would want to do such a thing. It was all so innocent. I was trying to be cool about it, and it was HER IDEA. I won't ever forget it. I feel as if I saw my own "deer in headlights" face and I can't get the burned memory of that experience out of my head. 

Trust me. If I had actually done what I'm accused of doing, NO ONE would learn the lesson more than me. However, if I were the kind of person who would actually have done what I'm accused of, I probably would learn nothing. If I were the kind of heartless person who would talk about someone else in order to ruin their reputation, I guess I probably wouldn't care.

But I do care. I want people's respect. I want my words to be taken the way I mean them, not the way someone gossips about them.
And for once in my life, I would like to NOT take responsibility for something I didn't do. Like I said, my first gut reaction is to be responsible, on the small chance that I DID accidentally or inavertantly say something or do something that could have been misunderstood. I don't want to lie, and to end up finding out I was wrong to defend myself and say I didn't. Unfortunately, this probably ends up making me seem more guilty when I am not at fault. 

I have this bad trait of accepting people. I have this bad sense of judgement when it comes to whom I can trust. I have this inability to screen people for their trustworthiness. I would really like to think that people I let into my little bubble are people I can trust. I am already selective to my social groups because I don't have the time or energy for a lot of drama, and because of these kinds of experiences, I'm protective of myself! So when someone who is apparently IN my little bubble stabs me in the back, I take it as a reflection of my poor choice to let them in. I take it as a reflection of my poor judgement, thinking I could trust them to properly understand me. I blame myself for allowing someone to be so misunderstanding of me as a person, that my words were taken in a way that they were never meant to be taken. They didn't know me well enough to know what I meant by what I said, and that somehow is my fault. I shouldn't have trusted them so completely. I shouldn't have let them into that messy statement. I should have known better than to say something that could have been misinterpreted so badly and wrongly.

So, see, it's my fault. Again, I'm taking responsibility for the fact that someone misunderstood my words, and stabbed me in the back with them. It's my fault I said anything that I should have kept private. It's my fault that I trusted them. I'm praying and searching and seeking for the ability to see where I went wrong. To have some kind of proof I am the "bad person" they say I am. Because I tend to believe people, and what they say, even if I know in my heart they are wrong, maybe there's a possibility that they are right. Maybe I just didn't see it. 

After an examination of the facts, I can discover... "no, wait, I've checked, I'm still pretty sure on my position."

I am heartbroken for the person who was hurt. Not because I got "caught", but because they are being used by someone who misunderstood and twisted something I said to mean something it does not. I am heartbroken because I want to be trusted, and now I don't think they can trust me. I'm heartbroken because they were just as emotional, just as hurt as I am. Because I didn't filter my public use of words good enough. Because I use a "public" place to vent my frustrations at all. Because I use it too much. Because I trusted someone, and I don't even know who, and now I know I can't trust people again. I hate this reminder.

I'm really tired of being used. This kind of life is exhausting. It makes me fearful for someone to have this kind of intentions toward me, especially when I don't know which direction its coming from. Its like being blind and not knowing who smacked you upside the head with a brick.

This is Aspergers. Not able to understand or believe or see why someone would want to behave this way. Being innocent and naive makes it really easy for people to use you. Not understanding the drama, the game playing, the advantage to putting someone else down. How does a person gain anything by lying and twisting and manipulating? How do they sleep at night living that way? If I acted like they say I do, and if I acted like they are, the guilt would eat me alive, and I would probably kill myself, or at the least, self medicate through drugs and alcohol. NO WONDER. Makes things make sense a little bit around here.

I've been taken advantage of. I'm tired of it. You think you know me, you rumor spreaders, you word twisters. God is the only person who knows every single part of me. God knows the intentions of my heart when I post or say things. I'll be honest, I'm not perfect, and my intentions are not always perfect either. But honestly, it doesn't happen often because I consider myself an honest person, and I consider myself to be someone who says what she means, means what she says, and doesn't have any hidden implied meanings or game playing or drama. I don't understand people playing those games with me, why would I play them myself?

 Why me? Why me again?

You know the part in "Never Been Kissed" where she reveals she is a 25 year old reporter who's been beating her brains out trying to impress those popular kids? Then she says they will spend a lifetime putting others down because it makes them feel better - and points to the "nerdy" girl and says "WHY HER!!"

Story of my life. Why me? Why do people want to hurt me? Why do people pick ME as someone to gossip about, someone to tell nasty lies about, spread rumors about? Why are they working so hard to imagine up these words, these situations, these lies, about me? What is so important about me that I'm chosen to be gossipped about. Why isn't there ONE person out there who is willing to be like "You know, I don't think thats true." Why isn't there ONE person out there who could stop the rumors? 

I'm just riddled with emotions, thoughts, confusions, frustrations, fears.

OK! Now that I've posted about it, refreshed your memory back to my original diagnosis information, and elaborated on my thought process.... I'm moving on to my normal life. I'm moving into my head for a few days. If I don't post, please don't think I've given up on the blog, but I need a vacation. Thanks.

Modesty and Common Sense

Call me old fashioned, but I'm the kind of girl who likes to have clothing on, and I'm the kind of girl who thinks that there are certain things that are best for people (kids being one big topic).

A recent news headline of a girl being rescued from rough waters on Lake Superior caught my attention. The first thing I thought of was, where are the parents? These kids were 12-13 years old, and in Canal Park or Park Point, in the lake (who KNOWS how deep it is!) ending up in the shipping channel (? is that what they said?), apparently by themselves. Do people really think that 12-13 year olds are safe by themselves? Everyone was safe, unharmed, but the rescued was tired, too worn out to swim to safety. This could have ended differently, praise God it didn't. But the point is, where are the parents?
I mean, I understand the times. I know that most families "have" to have 2 working parents. I know there are single parents out there. But why do we have young kids wandering around town swimming in a rather dangerous lake in a rather dangerous area of the lake, by themselves? Shouldn't someone, anyone, be in charge of these kids? Or at least be with them? I just don't understand it. DO something before your kid dies/drowns/disappears! I would have liked to have seen an interview with the parents. But of course, they are nowhere to be found at the time of the incident. Hopefully those kids got home to a heap of trouble. They don't look worried in the interview though, unfortunately.

Watching the news story on this I realized something else even more terrible (because I understand teenagers have brain damage, and can almost "excuse" their swimming out there on that....)....
The girls involved are BARELY wearing swimsuits. I have underwear and bras that show less skin. Why are teenagers allowed out, by themselves, wearing such revealing swimsuits that they are barely existent!! 

I could say a whole lot on the reason why wearing clothing is a good idea, but I won't because its a rather complicated thought. But my point is this: if you dress a certain way, you paint yourself a certain way. People WILL think less of you if you dress like a streetwalker. I'm not talking fishnets and miniskirts as the "uniform" of a streetwalker, I'm talking about revealing body parts and plenty of skin. People will have a hard time taking you seriously as a teenager if you are walking around dressed like something out of "Pretty Woman".

And most of all, the attention from the boy or girl that you seek is NOT the attention that you want! You don't want someone who's only attraction to you is your cleavage, stomach, buttcheeks and buttcrack. You want someone who gets to know you, someone who is interested in whats in that pretty little head of yours, not the size of your "rack" or the shape of your backside. Besides that, there are freaks out there who will take advantage of a half naked young girl wandering around. Really? You want some freak stalking you because of some kind of sick and twisted feeling he got off of seeing you dressed like that?

I'm sure a lot of people would jump down my throat for this. I'm sure they would argue with me. But tell me, would YOU let your 12 year old girl wear a tiny bikini out in public? If you don't have kids, you aren't really qualified to answer because you know EVERYTHING until you have kids.
All my life I have thought bikinis on kids was just plain wrong. After having a kid? Well, I'm still pro-one piece. Lets stop sexualizing our children and stop buying these stupid pornstar swimsuits for our CHILDREN.

Maybe this is another part of that "processing speed" things. I have my mind made up that certain things are inappropriate, and nothing is going to change my mind on that. NO 12-13 year old should be wandering around a large city by themselves (or with their friends, whatever). No child should be wearing a swimsuit that belongs on a streetwalker. End of story.

Patience

Short Post

My patience is a huge struggle. I have a really low ability to be patient. Sometimes, I can rein this in, but more often than not, I just want the time to pass until what I am waiting for is here. 

I can be very frustrated when I'm waiting. 

Short posts, Long posts

A part of all this, I tend to be long winded about things. 

I just got the app for blogger on my phone. However, I don't treat my phone the same; I do less on it than on a real computer. Mostly because its hard to see things well.

Anyway, I concluded that due to the fact that its more tedious to post from there, when and if I do, it will be a short post, probably about something more specific, during the course of my day.

When I have the chance to be online through a real computer, it will be a longer post, probably about something more reflective, as my other posts have been.

That being said, I will talk more about my "long posts".

I have a hard time filtering information. I know a lot about a lot. I have a lot of things that are connected. So when someone asks a question, I make the mistake of "flooding" them or "drowning" them with "too much information". In person this is because my eye contact ends after I start speaking. So I don't see any cues a person might make that its enough. (Granted, even if I WERE looking, I might not see them then either!)
So then I end up "in hot water" with people because they stop reading at a certain point (don't we all?) with some kind of response, and they don't read the rest of what I said to put what they read into context. 

This happens a lot. I mean, I just have a lot to "say". This happens more online than in person, so there's REALLY no cues there. No one on the other side of the computer stops you midsentence or something. 

What I really want is just to be "heard". People misunderstand, thinking that I want things to be my way, or that I talk like I know it all, or something. What they dont understand is, just like everyone else, I just want to be heard. I want to be told my thoughts are understood, and are valid and good thoughts. Especially if asked for advice, I give it. Especially if its something I have a passion for. (Weather, breastfeeding, attachment parenting,  religion). The ideas and suggestions I give are just ideas and suggestions (after all, you asked!), yet all the time I get told I'm judging or being pushy or something. 

Don't get me started on the fact that I don't agree with this "Don't Judge Me" attitude that every single person with a thought seems to have these days. I could be completely free of any judgemental thought or intent, and I get told "Don't judge ME!" Wait wait, I wasn't judging you! In MY mind, that person just blamed ME for their own self judgement. Don't involve me in your feelings of guilt! And, more simply, I am NOT responsible for your feelings. No one "makes" anyone else "feel" anything. You can CHOOSE to feel something, or you can choose not to.... but I digress...

I just want to be heard. I know everyone is going to make their own choices. I'm not clueless. But to know that when asked advice, I gave mine, even if the receiver didn't like it or agree to it, the least a person can do is "hear" me. 

One of those "listening" things. 

And by the way, the more I sense a person really "hears" me, the more I am able to "hear" them. I'm not completely out of touch with reality, but I do have a hard time feeling safe enough to "hear" someone else. I spent my whole childhood "hearing" other people talk about me, laugh at me, pick on me, and otherwise torture me. It's not safe in my head to hear someone else. 

That's complicated. I might have to explain more. But today, I'm very tired.

Low Tolerance

I consider myself a pretty hospitable person. I try (most of the time) to see the best in people, per say, and I root for the underdog.

However, there is a limit to listening to hooey. 

I can't manage confrontation, so I try to be straightforward, but I'm always worried about what the other person would think. Then there's an awkwardness. Eye contact will disappear with said person(s), and even their friends. Yup. Awkward.

Maybe a part of this is the processing speed. I take what I hear, and I make a quick decision about the intentions. Eventually, I lose the ability to retain patience for the "griping" and something snaps inside. I make a quick decision about the person based on what they are doing/saying. It seems like a "little thing" to others, but its a "big thing" to me.

I have a limited tolerance for absolute bonker-ness. 

I don't know what else to say. I would go into detail, but I don't feel its necessary.
One thing you should know, if you are going to gripe about someone I get along with, or am friends with, don't do it right in front of my face. It affects how I therefore feel about you as a person.