Parenthood Farewell

Well, that's it! Parenthood (the show) is over.

The only reason I got into this show was because of Max. Max has changed my life. When the show started, I was not diagnosed yet. I wasn't even sure if I wanted or needed to be. It wasn't really on my radar. The more I watched, the more of myself I saw, the more I talked to people (many of which didn't believe me), the more I realized that I had to find out for sure, for myself, so that I could stop saying that I thought I could relate, so that I could find out if I actually did relate! So, I did, I am, and I do!

My son was just officially diagnosed yesterday. I've known since birth, but it became more and more apparent that I don't have the actual tools or skills to help him with his ASD any more than I have the tools or skills to help myself with my own. As an adult, there aren't exactly resources available, but it is more obvious to me every day how much I need some of the things that ASD kids are getting. For one, my emotional regulation is not good. But I digress...

I was/am devastated. I loved the show, I loved how they were so real, I loved how it wasn't about death, or murder, or killing, or vampires or witches, or other spiritual stuff. This was a show about "real people", a "real family". I say that in quotes because we all know it isn't real, but it feels like stories that could be. It is relatable, and covered a wide range of topics and stories. Of course the one I was most interested in was Max's. 

The thing that I find especially ironic right now is that just as we start our "official" journey with our son is when the show is ending. The show started with Max kicking off his journey, and its ending with us kicking off ours.

I do have the show to thank for being able to even consider being diagnosed, and doing the same for my son. I don't know if I would have even had discussions about it if it hadn't been for the show, and I might not be sitting here with all the answers to my childhood issues, and adult issues, and the answers to what will help my son. I might be in a totally different place with all of this. I don't know how I could keep going on not knowing about this part of me that affects everything else, so I guess I might have eventually been diagnosed anyway, but I know that the show and the discusions that came from that are a huge part of why.

I also realized tonight that I have a hard time with this stuff.

I have always had a hard time with movies. I'm the girl who won't watch Dumbo or Lady and the Tramp, (and I won't be showing them to my kids either), among other movies, and other reasons, because I cannot handle the emotional turmoil that they cause in my heart, my mind and my body. I could not stop crying. I had made a prediction early on in the season, and I couldn't have been more right. Still, it made for a rather devastating ending to the show, while bittersweet, then filled with clips from the future and whatnot... I can still feel myself torn up about this.

And that's just what I'm getting at. I can't do this kind of thing anymore. Years ago I distanced myself from suspenseful shows, scary shows, and shows where people were constantly being murdered and whatever. I can't take the emotional turmoil. Parenthood was the complete opposite of that kind of thing, but still, when it ends, I find myself just as emotionally distraught, and feeling just as sick over it. I don't like that feeling. I really honestly can't take this kind of thing.

I literally felt depression. I know most people don't feel depression hit them overnight, or in minutes. I know most people don't really realize they are falling into it until they are already there. But I literally felt the way I did when I had the mirena, but it happened in the span of about 5 minutes. Just all of a sudden - BOOM - it hit me like a ton of bricks. Whether it was just from the whole emotions of the episode in question here, or if it was the fact that its over and its almost like someone died (oh wait....), and the parallels between what happened in the episode and what has happened to our family in real life this past fall, or if it is the change in routine - that I won't be having Parenthood as a part of my routine anymore - it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

 Don't worry too much about me, I already know if this doesn't ease up, I will be running for the counselor! LOL But I think I will be fine. The Notebook killed me a little bit too, but I survived that just fine, eventually. 

Anyway, I don't know if this is common with people with Aspergers/ASD, or not. I know it's not real, but it feels real. They engage your real emotions, so it feels so real. It is almost like your mind is confused with your body, your body reacts like it's real and your mind knows it's not?

Either way, I don't want any more connections to any more shows! I just can't take the emotional stress. This is probably for the best anyway, as I can't stand the crap they are putting on tv anymore. Can't even watch a "good show" without having to see 26 ads for the worst shows you never wanted to hear about.

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest tonight. I'm sure this isn't the last time I'll write about it, and I'm sure that I'm going to end up reading a ton of articles about the finale or whatever. But this strong of a connection to a tv show really shakes me, and I am not sure that I like it, and I don't want any more shows!! I've been so upset that it's going to be over, and now after it is, I'm relieved. They almost imprison you don't they? No more Parenthood, no more good Veggietales. This is getting interesting isn't it? 

So. I'm just a little overwhelmed tonight. A little overtired from the release of emotions from not only the show, but the week in general. May God make this a better future, without any more addicting tv shows!

Sunshine & Positive Emotion

My mood has been much improved lately. Spring has finally decided to arrive for real, so it has been sunny, warmer and my windows have been open during the day! We haven't really had to run the furnace for several weeks, with the exception of a few mornings.

People seem to think I'm just overly dramatic when I say I can't stand the long dreary winter. They seem to think that I choose to feel awful, that somehow I could just choose to accept it and get over my issues. These comments usually always hurt. Do they really think I want to feel that way?

And every year, I remember that it is a really quick switch between feeling good and feeling bad. If the weather is good, I feel good. If it is bad, I feel bad. Some people might enjoy the darkness of winter, the dreariness, the lack of color. I can find a short period of this weather can be pretty and interesting, photographically at least. But personally, I feel like all the life and energy has been sufficiently sucked right out of me when the colors out the window are all of one shade/palette. I'm sorry, gray white and black is not good enough for me.

I've always been the kind of person who thought families should be close, both in distance and in relationship. However, I'm starting to think that, if given the opportunity, I would move farther away, if only for the sake of my mental health. No, I don't think moving would make my whole world perfect, but I'm starting to see the benefit in living somewhere that winter isn't holding me captive for 6+ months out of the year. SAD is a real disorder, a real set of feelings, a real state of being. I survive it, but it severely affects my feelings starting near the end of summer through snow flying. I get anxious, restless, and nervous because I know what's coming. The worst part is not knowing when it will end. While the general feeling nation wide is that spring begins in March, some years spring doesn't even begin to touch our area until mid-May. We still had frozen solid lakes on fishing opener (typically the same weekend as Mother's Day). Though that doesn't happen every year, it isn't unusual or rare. Think about it: No shorts, tshirts, open windows, warm sunlight or breezes until nearly Memorial Day. 

Sunshine makes me feel good. I don't even have to actually be out IN the sunshine (I don't like sunburn, and I don't like applying sunscreen either). It just has to be sunny. That's all it takes. 

If you watch movies and tv, you'll notice they take advantage of this kind of thing in their production. Happy movies are colorful, bright and sunny. Suspenseful or scary movies are darker, more shades of gray and black, and take place at night, in the rain, or whatever. Even the happy movies usually have sad moments, and what do they do? They make it rain. Certain animated characters come in certain colors for a reason. Usually the good guys are light blues, calm browns, greens and whatnot. The enemies are dark reds, blacks, and that kind of thing. Look at Alladin. Jasmine in her pretty blue outfit, Jafar in his red and black. The Little Mermaid: Ariel has her purple and blue and happy red, Ursula has dark red and black.

It is so totally obvious. You watch movies now with that kind of viewpoint.

Then you tell me that somehow I'm supposed to choose to feel positive in a completely negative environment. Maybe you're better at reading those environments than I am, maybe you're better at ignoring the obvious connections. I seem to be more distinctly aware of them, and it directly affects me. I am not alone in this, I've talked to others who have the same feeling. Winter kills us, and through no choice of our own.

Aspies & Empathy: "Aspies Do Not Lack Empathy; We Crave It" - Aspiewriter

Once again, I'm posting another blog post by Aspiewriter!
There's a reason she's a writer. She's got the words. Some of the things she has written lately, I just can't help reposting because she is saying things I have not been able to articulate, or haven't realized what exactly is going on.

In this post, she talks about empathy. As I read it, I realized that the reason that I prefer to work by myself is probably because I'm taking in all the emotions around me, and not only is that very confusing, but it is very stressful. If my coworker is stressed, I feel stressed. This makes me unable to work as effectively as I would like, and it has driven me crazy all summer that I can't understand why I feel so odd. It could be a perfectly fine day, and all of a sudden I feel completely overwhelmed. There's too many emotions around me!

But at the same time, as she says, I disconnect from the "big picture" things. 9-11 doesn't really register on my radar, because I didn't know anyone who died. What I DO know is that everyone around me was completely stressed, devastated, scared and overwhelmed by the situation, and since I didn't understand it, I didn't understand their emotions, but I felt them and it was one of the most overwhelming things I have ever experienced. They felt all those things directly, but to me, they were strangers, I didn't understand the political perspective (I categorized it under "accident" for quite a few hours), and I knew no one who was involved or died (until a few hours or days later when my mom told me my uncle was in the pentagon... but he was fine.).

Anyway, I'm getting off track. Here is the link to her post, because it is just awesome.

http://www.aspiewriter.com/2012/09/aspies-crave-do-not-lack-empathy-we.html