I Am SOOOOO Done With Anxiety

I don't know why. I don't know what. All I know is that for several months now I have been hit hard with some awful, terrible, no good, very bad, overwhelming, life altering, drop dead anxiety, and no matter what I do so far, I can't kick it.

I could take a walk (or two) every day.
I could eat better (but I do eat rather okay mostly I think).
I could pray and read the Bible more.
I could listen to better music.
I could watch less TV.
I could use screens less.
I could exercise.

But you know what? I really can't. It's almost as if you know the cure is just a foot away, and you can't take one step to get there. You're paralyzed. 

All the info out there telling people what they should do, how they can cure, recover, heal, whatever. All of it means nothing when you literally feel so overwhelmed you just want to sit on the couch all day watching movies (or letting the kids watch movies) and play nonsense on your phone.

We haven't had insurance either, so I haven't been able to just go see my doctor. Applying for insurance while self employed is no easy thing. They have these nice little "assistants" to help you apply, but when I went to see her, she wouldn't even look at what I had, I had to have calculated some perfect and pretty little number for her before I came. And that's the PROBLEM - I don't know how. I had to have some serious back and forth with our accountant to figure it out and I still honestly do not know if its going to be okay. I submitted it, finally, after two months since having it restarted (not counting the 6 months of not knowing what to do, figuring we could use our tax return, finding out we had to cancel the kids in order to reapply for all of us, finding out we couldn't use last years tax return at all...). That is finally not hanging over my head anymore.

But they will come back and ask for proofs, I'm sure. Then I'll have to send them our handwritten documentation (because that's just how we are doing it at this point) and they will probably not have a clue what they are doing and will make it a huge mess. So, I may have submitted the forms, but I still can't see my doctor because it isn't finalized yet. B lost his insurance too so they won't even send his lady until thats sorted out too. I figured they would just wait for reapplying and back pay, but I guess not. So that's a major bummer as well.

Then it rains this dreary, cold rain for like 2 days and I feel so terrible!

Its just over a week until we leave on our big trip.

It makes me wonder if this big trip is what's causing me so much anxiety! I mean, it is a bit daunting, thinking of traveling so far (for the first time as a family), into the mountains a bit (which can be both scary roads and height sickness - tho I hope the little mountains will be ok), with three kids, one of which is a suspicious toddler.. but I thought I was excited about it! I have it all "under control" - I have started my list writing so I don't forget anything I think I need, but I still feel stressed out about getting it all packed. You can't really pack your clothes and not wear clothes all week. 

And hubby ends up not working, after only 3 days of good hauling again, because they have to move to a new job now. Seriously, I'm not prepared for that. We are still learning what it is like, what it is going to look like, working for ourselves. The money is better but there are other responsibilities too, plus waiting around if its "too wet to work", which is what it's been like pretty much all spring.

I just have so many fears, and as a Christian we are told that we are not to fear, that we are to give them to God.
Why do I find that so much easier said than done?
Why do I just pray and pray in my mind and in the night that God would just take this all from me, that I would be able to wake and live in peace like I had been before this all started, only to find it constantly crippling me?

I've been working on my perfectionism - listening to a great podcast about it. I'm learning quite a lot, and I feel like I can let go of some of that perfectionism, and especially since having #3, I have come a long way.

But I think the devil knows that I'm trying to break free, and so in response he is trying to drag me down even deeper into his horrible, depressive pit.

I think it seems to work around my cycle too, proving that it's probably related to my hormones again. They could suppliment my hormones, but if they do that my milk would dry up, and I feel like if there is one thing I'm doing well in my life, one thing that's going well, one thing that's making me feel like I'm succeeding at something, anything. 

I just want to be past this portion of life. I want to be over it. I guess no, I don't want to go back to the more superficial life, but I want to not get so overwhelmed. I want to be less tired all the time. I want to feel like going outside and doing things. I want to be happier, and healthier. I want to be able to have the strength, motivation and energy to do the things that will make me happier and healthier.

I don't know. I just know that I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I'm trapped about how to get out of it. Right now, as I said, insurance is keeping me from seeing my doctor and getting physically (and hormonally) checked out. So now I feel tied down to someone else's ability to act on things so I can act on my end. :( 

I'll get through this, I always do. God always brings me healing after depressive episodes. In the meantime though, I'm left to suffer through it minute by minute some days.

Overtired Is Spoon Deficient

I didn't come up with the spoon theory, but I hope the creator pardons me using their expression.

My middle came down with hand foot and mouth this week. It is by far the worst illness I've ever experienced as a parent. Even that I've experienced as a person.

She was inconsolable. Screaming about the pain and itching. I know how she feels, I've been there with my hives, awake at night, desperate for sleep, and unable to because of the burning, itching, and pain. Feeling that way is bad enough but watching her suffer it is heartwrenching.

She is better tonight, though she is not to bed yet. She took a 3 or 4 hour nap today, I'm not even sure, but it seemed like forever, especially since her little brother also took a nap about the same length. He   has a slight fever and is fussy tonight too. I'm hoping he doesn't come down with the worst of it because that's just not fair for someone that little.

But the point of my post today is more about my reaction. I definitely don't handle illness well at night. I'm okay during the day, but if you are going to critically reduce my sleep or interrupt it with overwhelming screaming squealing and screeching, apparently it becomes obvious that I have no spoons left over for midnight patience.

Like, I have a hard time figuring out and making sense of whatever is happening. More recently, since my third baby, my brain functioning is so bad that I waffle almost every single decision. I just can't decide things. We've been in to urgent care quite often for my middle since my 3rd was born because I just can't decide if it's a big deal or not. Then I second guess myself when we're there because it takes so long, makes a nightmare of a night, and sometimes I've even felt as if we were just being a pest to the medical professionals on call. (Which I will maintain is NOT my fault or problem.)

I just go back to that spoon theory. I mean, I literally don't have a plethora of extra energy, patience or focus for each day, and I am empty of spoons by bedtime. Then throw an illness in there and you know you don't have something pretty and helpful happening.

Last night I finally gave in. In effort to try and protect the baby from getting sick, I had been separating myself from my middle. She was pretty sad about it, and finally I just gave up. My husband couldn't take it anymore and it was getting really frustrating and bad. We did get some sleep finally after I gave in, but it wasn't perfect, and still meant I didn't get more than 2 hours sleep that first bad night. Last night was much better, but I stayed away with the apprehension that she would just wake me up by screaming anyway, so why go to sleep. When I finally was having to call it quits so I could sleep, I actually got her into bed without her waking up (after failing twice before that), and woke my husband to switch kids with me.

That worked probably the best of anything. It's one thing if I plan on staying up for things, it's quite another to be awakened to screaming. That is the hardest. I lose spoons just hearing her scream. She is quite dramatic that way I would guess, so it can be very hard to feel sorry for her when shes piercing my eardrums with her screeching. I think I normally do very well dealing with that part during the day, but at night it's not tolerable.

Anyway, I think it's probably normal to feel this way, I think that it makes you stronger and maybe eventually sometime in the next 18 years I will be able to function better at night and not lose my mind over the interruptions to sleep and stuff. You know, just in time for the youngest to graduate and be ready to leave home.

It's true that you can only give so much. I might have trouble with my day, and run out of spoons on the regular, but I still try to stretch myself every day, and it is indeed all worth it. How God does that - makes something that's normally so difficult actually feel worth it, but He does. It's interesting, and you have to then wrap your mind around the fact that your perfect Father God is much stronger, able, and loving than any of us could ever be to even our own children. #Intense

Overwhelmed Again

Those days where nothing seems to get done, where everyone seems to want a share of you, when everything seems too hard to do, when there's so much to do and you can't even start doing it, much less finish ....

It drives me crazy to be interrupted over and over and over...
I have to recollect my thoughts, figure out where I was, start over again....

I had one of those nights the other night.

It was completely overwhelming.

Little B has been sick. After almost two weeks of this I've figured out (on my own) what it is. She gets cold sore breakouts. REALLY BAD ones. This time she also developed a massive one on her thumb, herpetic whitlow.

Apparently it can commonly be mistaken as hand/foot/mouth, and that appears to be the case with her doctor telling us multiple times, every time we've been in since they started. Thinking back, they started when she was eating solid foods, which she didn't eat much of until after 12-14 months old. (Her tongue tie prevented her from being able to eat much because she gagged on everything. she was still gagging on bananas at a year old. Don't get me started on the medical profession missing that mess...)

We thought they were a reaction to tomato, like her brother used to have. Anywhere ketchup would touch his skin, he would break out. It did go away but he still prefers not to have tomato if he can help it.

Either way, she was so little when this started. And I know she would get some on her fingers as well, which probably only reaffirmed the diagnosis of hand/foot/mouth. I KNEW all along that was not the answer. They really didn't seem to think past h/f/m, so I doubted myself, and didn't know what to do about the fact that she repeatedly got it, over and over, and no one else in the house did. I mean, isn't h/f/m highly contagious? Wouldn't someone else have come down with something at some point over the past two years besides her?

So, sadly this seems to be how it works every time. She gets sick, and throws up for around 24 hours. This last time it was only twice, and she hadn't really had much to eat so it wasn't a lot of throwing up. Sometimes its been really bad, we've had her in worrying about dehydration and she finally comes around. Then the sores break out. It's at least 2 weeks of sores coming, healing, and vanishing. Sometimes it seemed like she was getting them over and over, one right on top of the other. Right now her lips are looking good finally, and her thumb popped (it was quite full of liquid and very swollen, so it either popped or she bit it...). She seems to be getting a new sore up her thumb a little bit, but I hope that we can keep that one under control under the bandaid that is protecting her thumb because it broke open. I'm really hoping she didn't bite it open because that probably means we have another round of mouth sores coming on. Yes, her whole mouth gets sores in it too, which means she won't eat much either. This time I got wise and got her soup, yogurt, pudding, cottage cheese, soft foods, even ice cream for shakes. I think the shakes are probably great because they're cold too.

Anyway. I had to find this out on my own. I had to google several different times slightly different description and read a post from an ER employee on thinking it was MRSA before I came up with this herpetic whitlow. WHY? I wonder. It is so frustrating to me.

I mean, if you have a patient that has been in multiple times because of this same issue, no other members of the family have come down with it, and its only ever one finger really, and it's a repetitive one right on top of the other..... Wouldn't you start looking at other options? Wouldn't you start questioning your own thinking? I know I would! After all, I DID, after two years of being told it was one thing, I'm finally convinced that it is something else, and it is at least related to what I originally thought it was - cold sores.

Cold sores are so weird. My mom and sister get them. My dad and I do not. (I can't remember about my brother). My husband gets them. Big B does not. Little B does. Jury is still out on Baby J. I'm hoping he is immune because one little with these painful things is enough. I don't know if I could handle round two, especially on a 7 month old! That would be too much. But when he is over a year, starts solids more, and we start to see....? I don't know.

I know about the antivirals for them. My mom takes one kind, my hubby takes another. I don't know if they can give that to kids so young. I should google that since I get more answers from google than the doctor. I really should move to another doctor, we've been really considering it, moving to the clinic closer to home. 

Anyway.

So I've been completely overwhelmed with that, then trying to do other things...

And the washer flooded the laundry room. We had to buy a new set. It was literally busted, the drum had cracked. Not really a fix for that. HA! Glad it was Labor Day sales, we got quite a good deal on a really nice new set, computery and lights and sounds and yay! :) I'm really happy with the size, its like 1.9 cu ft bigger than the one we had before, so that's great, and NO agitator.

SO there's that.

And the not working. This whole owning a truck thing isn't as quick, easy and painless as you would think.

I'm just....

One domino away from everything falling down.

Or one melatonin. Little B took like 2/3 a bottle tonight. Thank God for poison control (literally), they say there should be no harm or worries. I don't know how she is still awake, its been more than a half hour too... I'm so tired of being overwhelmed by her obsession with putting things in her mouth, playing in my bathroom in general, stuff like that. It's like dealing with a dementia patient. :(

So, I was (am) overwhelmed and completely exhausted and who wouldn't fall asleep? The two littles. Go figure. Man it took me a long time to get them to sleep, and then me getting to sleep. :(

It is the worst feeling. At least now in this part of my life I can recognize overwhelm. But dealing with it? Not so good at that. I get angry, short tempered, yelly, the whole list. No patience at all.

Anyone else? WHAT to do? HOW to deal? 

Autistic Regression

Recently, I've been having a hard time. I may have said that here before. One particularly difficult evening I was talking to/unloading on a trustworthy friend, and this link came into my facebook feed.

And once again in my journey, I was blown away.

This describes exactly what has been happening to me. Spot on. 

I'm not even waking up rested and ready for another day because I am working too far above my capabilities every moment of every day. No amount of alone time has worked to relieve my complete overwhelmed state. My bucket is sitting under a firehose on full blast, and it's constantly overflowing. I don't have any air. I'm drowning.

There are just so many things in the air right now. I'm stressed and overwhelmed and a surprise pregnancy of course has put this all over the top. 

It's not like a plate of pancakes, where you add one and it's just one too many. A surprise pregnancy is like a MILLION things too many, all at once. 

I know, "intellectually", that God will give me the strength when I need it, and I don't need it right now. There's also no way to know if I have it until I need to use it, and of course, there's no way I can test that until it's time. 

Unexpected things always throw me for a loop, and I hear that is not uncommon with autism. It can and does cause considerable stress, anxiety and frustration. We have to regroup, redirect ourselves, reorient our lives. Depending on the thing, of course, that could mean taking a 5 minute break and breath and just go for it (like an interruption or change at work). This? This is no 5 minute break thing. 

I'm 12 weeks along. Almost 13. Thats 7-8 weeks to "get used to it". And it hasn't happened yet. I don't know when it will, but I'm hoping it will be sometime before February. 

I feel pretty confident that the counseling program I'm going to be doing will help. I was really relieved when they came here for 'intake', that they know what I'm talking about, and what it's like specifically to be going through things with autism. See, you might think I act or look so "normal", but I'm completely and totally autistic. Just because I can pretend for some short period of time in front of you doesn't mean that I'm normal. I still have all the same struggles that a child with autism has, I've just had 32 years of practice to hide, ignore, avoid, and otherwise try to avoid losing it. I can manage it for a period of time. But it's still there, using up spoons, right under the surface.

Anyway, I'd like to write a post about counseling, and I will eventually. But for now, I just wanted to share this link because it's insanely accurate and exactly what I needed. I have felt a little relieved since I read it, at least it's ok, normal, and I'm not losing my mind, or sinking in depression. This is just normal, for me. This is just something I deal with now and then, on and off, throughout my whole life. I'm going to have tough times, and I'm going to "lose skills" during those times. I'm going to lose my ability to deal with things, and this is just what it is. It sucks. It's super hard. It's really annoying. It's really .... just... I don't know. You just have no idea what people with autism go through unless you're autistic. (Which is the major factor in why Autism Speaks SUCKS.)

Anyway, let me know what you think of this link!

Self Care Means...

Even in my 30s, I'm still learning what self care means for me.

One thing I've always known is that I need alone time. It is hard to get with kids and stuff, so mostly (right now) I'm getting alone time after bedtime. That isn't really working well though. So I am trying to be in transition to do some things differently. Especially since there is this other baby on the way. If there are going to be 3 kids in this house, and only one mama, I'm going to definitely prioritize some self care. How, I wonder.

Self care also means knowing when you've had enough, before you've had enough. It means literally unplugging life. Like when you put your computer on 'sleep' mode, just run your operating system in the background, and shut down all unnecessary functioning. It might vary as to what means "unnecessary" to you, but for me definitely socializing is OUT. I cannot socialize, even with my own family, when I've reached meltdown mode. It becomes movie time for the kids.

 And believe me, I reach meltdown mode. I might be an adult, and I might not be collapsing onto the floor, but I still have meltdowns. My brain literally just can't take any more and it starts shutting down on it's own like a nuclear reactor. I even feel myself needing to be mute. And we wonder why our ASD kids don't talk to us? We scratch our heads over selective mutism? I know why; the brain just can't handle it. The brain has reached maximum output ability, and that's it. No more.

I feel like that's what has happened to kids with autism who don't speak. Whether it is a drug, medicine, or something else, they are living in meltdown mode, and their own body is holding them to basic functions. And, kids reach meltdown mode a lot faster than adults do because they just don't have the life practice to help themselves. And if the cause is out of their control or understanding, what are they supposed to do?

 And realizing how fast and easy I reach meltdown mode, I feel horrible for ever assuming my kid should be able to do or handle something, when I am realizing that he just can't. Because I'm realizing that I just can't either. 

Self care means shutting off the phone, shutting off all forms of communication, verbal or nonverbal (text/online). Because you will still overwhelm yourself, even if the interaction is only in words. And you will be less able to accurately determine intent in the words, and likely will misinterpret things too. 

We have to help ourselves understand that if we do not take the time to recover, we will likely end up in "debt". Remember, only basic functioning will be running, so it will be pretty tough to do anything anyway. You can either take a break, or put your eggs in the garbage and the shells in the batter. You can either realize you need to step back and remove yourself from social life, or end up borrowing from tomorrow's "spoons", to use a popular special needs theory. Then tomorrow you will be no better than you are today, and you will repeat the process until you get the self care you need to recover properly.

I'm still learning how to do this. I think in this day and age when everyone has cell phones, we feel like we might miss something critical if we don't have our phones on. While it's possible that, something bad will happen if you take a break from your phone, but if you haven't taken theat break, you would be even less able to deal with it than before you took the break. 

The only thing I wish for is longer breaks. And the ability to cancel the entire day to recover. But life doesn't stop sometimes. Sometimes you have to keep on keeping on. That is the most exhausting thing ever. But there may be some things you can do to maintain until you can get more self care time.

Don't forget healthy food or a good walk in quiet peaceful nature, if you can find it.

Finally, sleep. Any catnap can help you recover. It might be really hard to get a nap with kids, but never underestimate the power of 'mom ears'. I might be "deaf" (you'd have to ask my family), but for some reason I always hear what trouble is happening when I catnap. 

Anyway, I keep learning more and more about myself, and without ASD, I wouldn't really know what to do with me.

If You Want To Make God Laugh.... A Word on Change and Shock in ASD

Tell Him your plans.

That's right. Make plans, be confident and sure of them, and wait.

Change is not something that ASDs have an easy time with. In fact, the more we can plan ahead, and prepare for things, the better. No surprise parties (though no one has ever thrown me one, I'm fairly certain I wouldn't like it because I would never be prepared for that much social activity).

Anyway, be gentle with your ASD when it comes to change. It doesn't matter if the change is the food you're serving for lunch (been there with my son!), or a change in plans (like going to go somewhere and then not having the money - again, been there!) Give them some time.

Don't be quick to congratulate for something when they are still trying to recover from the shock of change. ASDs can be surprisingly stubborn, irrational, even mean and panicky when they're still recovering from a shock. Please be gentle on your loved one or friend. Let them pour out their feelings of overwhelm and fear and pain and frustration and guilt.

I know through experience that all this happens. Sometimes it lasts 5 minutes. Sometimes it lasts for days. Point is that you have to give them space if they want, or the ear they need to just listen, or the shoulder they need to just cry on. Give them some time.

Do not mistake their smiling for happiness, sometimes ASD means poor emotional facial expressions. (Great, it's already hard for us to tell when you're kidding, but now I'm telling you its hard to tell when we are too?)
 I can't tell you the number of times something happened and I ended up stuck smiling, leaving the person thinking I'm joking or not serious. It's hard to defend yourself when you're smiling like its all a big joke, even though you know it's not, and don't even feel that it is, but your face deceives you.

Above all, follow their cue. Don't try to tell them that they are being ridiculous. Don't try to tell them that they don't make sense. Don't brush off their feelings, because they are real, and deep! Just bear with them, it is likely it will pass, but the way you made them feel won't.

Another Thought On Parenting/Caregiving

Read this recent post by the Autism Discussion Page:

"Empowerment

Over the next few days we will focus on fostering empowerment in your children.

Does your child understand his autism? Self awareness equals empowerment!

It is very important that children on the spectrum learn to understand what autism or asperger's are, and how it effects them; both strengths and challenges. It is important that they learn how they are different from others, not only in terms of how they experience the world, but also how we experience the world. Life will always be a struggle for them, since the world is based on how we process information, and does not match how they experience the world. Learning about their differences from us allows them to better adapt and advocate for themselves.

For most people on the spectrum, daily living is a constant struggle, since they are always trying to navigate a world that is not a good match for them. This struggle can be handled more effectively if the person begins to understand how their differences impact these challenges. Learning about their differences is twofold. First they have to understand how they process information, and second, they have to understand how we process information, so they can understand the differences. This allows them to understand why the world is often confusing, and allows them to better adapt to it. From this awareness they can learn to maximize their strengths and compensate for their differences.

I usually break these differences down into sensory, cognitive, social, and emotional differences. Once people on the spectrum begin to understand how we are different, their challenges start making sense to them. From there they can make accommodations to minimize the daily challenges they face, develop coping strategies to face stressors they cannot avoid, and learn to regulate their nervous system so they do not get overwhelmed. They can identify what physical, social, and emotional challenges tax their nervous systems so they can build in accommodations to avoid and/or modify these conditions to lessen the negative effect. They can learn how to adapt to the work setting, navigate around social issues, independently follow their daily routine, and build a home environment that allows them to escape the confusing world, regroup, and rebound for the next day. The person can do an "autopsy" of each daily setting/events (work, school, family, recreation, etc.) to identify possible challenges/stressors, and then build in modifications, adaptations, and accommodations to minimize these challenges and maximize their independence and emotional well being. They learn how many of their strengths can be used to maximize their success, and how to build on their preferences to improve quality of life. So, as early as possible, but definitely in the teen years, try to build on the importance of the child learning about his differences and how to identify and design strategies for maximizing his ability to adapt to the settings he is in.

It is very important that we focus on "strength based" parenting and teaching. Once the person learns what his sensory, processing, emotional, and social needs are, he has to embrace these needs and find ways to support and protect these needs; learning how to modify, accommodate, and adapt his environment and daily routine to meet these needs. It is important that the person doesn't feel the need to "fix" or "change" what his needs are, but to use his strengths to better meet those needs.

At what age should you start? The earlier the better! My experience is usually around eight or nine, if they seem to notice differences. You want to catch them as they are first noticing differences, before they start setting up defenses that are hard to break down. Often by the time the children are 13, if this hasn't been discussed they, they have built in defense mechanisms that deny and refuse to recognize it. Focus on discussing all aspects of the child, strengths and weaknesses, interests and personality traits, with autism just being one small area of it. In reality, it is good to have this type of discussion with all kids. We all need to be able to have strong self awareness, know what our strengths and weaknesses are, and how to develop our strengths to help support any weaknesses.

This series on “empowerment” can be found in the green book, “Autism Discussion Page on Anxiety, Behavior, School and Parenting Strategies.”

**Disclaimer: this is not meant to make anyone feel badly. These are just the thoughts that I have running through my head taking into account my personal experience, and the experience parenting my son with our newfound knowledge of our Aspergers. Thank you.

As I have grown into my diagnosis over the past 3 years or so, I have realized something big about myself. I do not like to give myself a break. I expect perfection at everything I do. And I expect myself to be able to handle it. BUT, I CAN'T. 

The big news is that I can't do it. I have struggled over and over in my life with panicky, anxious, overwhelming moments where I lash out at everyone closest to me, because they're the safe place to do it. 

Where does this come from? Well, it has occured to me that at least part of the reason that all this happens to me is because we didn't know I had aspergers when I was a child. I suppose for the most part then, it was as if I was just being a difficult child. If I freaked out because we were planning on doing something, and plans got cancelled, I was punished for my bad behavior. Eventually I learned to just ignore my frustrations, bury them, until they became so overwhelming that I would get sick. Not sick like having a cold, but sick as in having depressive, anxious feelings and a strong need to withdrawl. And, to be honest, I felt like most of high school was withdrawl from everything and everyone, but especially my family. There are things we did that I barely remember. Sure, that might be normal, but you would think that big things would be memorable, but I've surprised myself at how many times they aren't. 

I could go on and on, but to make it short, my point is this: When I talk about respecting your children and their autism, and understanding their strengths and weaknesses, what I mean is that you do them a disservice if you force them to repeatedly encounter overwhelming circumstances without letting them control or even express their feelings about the situation. Plans being cancelled upsets everyone, but to a kid with autism, YES, the world IS ending, in that moment. It is heartbreaking to you to change plans, but to the kid with autism, their whole world was rotating around those plans, and now their world literally has stopped short because they were cancelled. Telling your kid that their behavior is unacceptable doesn't even register, because they are unable to logically consider anything at that point. 

LISTEN to their feelings! Repeat back to them what you are hearing them say! People might encourage toddler speak for toddlers, using short toddler sentences and matching their emotion. Maybe that would work for your autistic kid, even if they are not a toddler. (Probably doesnt work on older kids/teens though.)
Let them tell you what their needs are in that moment. Don't send them to their room and tell them to knock it off because you don't want to hear their feelings. That is an insinuation that they should stuff their feelings. Let those kids get those feelings OUT! 

If your kid always breaks down at the grocery store, forcing them to do it over and over will continually reinforce that they hate the grocery store, that they have no control over their input or their feelings about it, and it will tell them that they should just stuff their feelings of overwhelm. They might accomplish doing this eventually, and they might end up looking like they are dealing well with situations that previously upset them. But the truth, from my experience, is that I might look good in public, but the next day or 2 at home is very hard for me, and I have to take it easy. 

So, just think through what you are doing. Your goal might be to make your kid look normal in whatever circumstance. But what is really in their best interests? Stuffing needs and feelings is in no one's best interests. It might make someone look socially appropriate, but it comes at the cost of their personal boundaries.

I still don't feel like I said what I'm thinking very clearly, but I hope this is a part that will help understand this better.

Just One Disaster At A Time, Please

Recently I have been overly stressed. Funny thing is that I can't really remember what it was I was stressed out about last week and the week before, but I do know it was a significant stressor, and even my husband agreed it was a big deal. So my cycle was off. 

Yesterday, things started coming to a head. I was really getting cranky. And then not one, but TWO pretty unexpected major disappointments hit my day, and I literally came unglued. 

I already know that I have a harder time dealing with disappointment and plans changing than the average person. Therefore, I try to do the best I can to anticipate change or disappointment and prepare myself ahead of time. But these two things were completely out of left field, and literally came at me within the span of 5 minutes. I was literally chatting with our internet provider about our speed, when I opened a letter saying that the dorms at campmeeting were filled and that I did not have a room to stay in for the week of campmeeting. Then finding out that my internet is half the speed because they apparently can't offer me the full speed I'm supposed to be getting, and was getting 2 months ago, because "the line is full and in 'exhaust'" So two major crisis (to me) in the span of a few minutes

It has become obvious that I cannot easily handle that much crisis at once, on top of hormones especially. 

So, no, I have no idea what I can do about it. I feel a little less spazzy (about that topic) today, but I'm still completely cranky and with very little tolerance. I am so steamed about our internet that I practically can't think straight, but when it comes to having unlimited internet, I don't really have that many options, if any, besides what we have. Sometime when I calm down I have a loyalty program phone number to call and see what they can do, because paying the same rate for half the speed just does not make sense to me. This whole thing is infuriating and doesn't make any sense to me. It seems what they did is put gaining customers over the quality of service they provide, which is typical for a company. So we are researching our options, but I'm finding at this point the whole thing is a little overwhelming. It is ridiculous that a loyal customer is put back on the bottom rung after years of loyalty and support. 

It is just unfair. And if there is anything my aspie heart can't stand, its unfairness.

Anyway. So I'm in a mood, and I can't yet even function well because of it. This kind of overwhelm takes me days to get back centered. It is just life with autism. What you may get over in 5 minutes or an hour takes me days to get over.

AlwaysAspiegirl: Acceptance. Love, and Self-care: #AutismPositivity2015

I am a huge fan of Autistic Acceptance, both by those of us who are Autistic, to those with Autistic kids, to those who don't really have that much connection to anyone with Autism (as far as they know anyway). I think that everyone should have a good dose of acceptance when they think of Autistic people, and realize that there are great struggles there, but also great beauty! Having autism is just our life. Just like you have your life, we have our life. It's not like we know what it's like to be anything else.

I love that I am not "normal"! I love that I don't fit into the mold of "normal" people around me. I love that I do my own thing and that it really doesn't bother me that I'm alone doing it. I love that I am a part of the whole of humanity that comes in all different colors, shapes, sizes and brains! I love that I have my own specific role, different from everyone else.

I love that I can't stop researching things! I am totally obsessed with learning things! Sometimes, though, I get frustrated when I run into things that either haven't been studied, or written about, because then I can't get my question answered! But I love that when I get interested in something, I look at it from every angle - contrary to what people think - and that I'm so certain when I've decided something that I can't just be tossed around by every wind.

I love that my brain has a different way of looking at things than other people! I think that it's valuable for all people to share their unique ideas in order to help other people to be able to look at things differently. I think that it's important when you accept someone with Autism, that you accept that they will and do look at things differently than you do, and that it is worth thinking about what they have to say! For me, personally, I appreciate it when people say they understand me, because often I don't feel like I am understood or heard. So it really means a lot to me to have validation. 

I love that my brain is obsessed with numbers and patterns. I may not be as affluent in those things as some people, but I notice letter and number patterns all the time and it makes me smile. It really does! I'm a hard core number geek! So, for example, when I was a kid the last 4 of our home phone number was 2382. My grandparent's house was 2358. My best friend as a little girl had 2252. When my husband and I started dating, his number was 2314, his mom was 2315. Their house number was 3569. When we got married, our home number was 3514 (there's that 14 again!). We had a few cell phone numbers in there that I don't remember, but currently we have 2314 and 2312. FUNNY! Well, it's funny to me, anyway. Numbers!

I seriously spent weeks getting circles to fit into squares, which can't be done because pi is a never ending number. But I got it to a certain point, I don't remember what that point was, but there were a lot of digits.

I loved that I worked hard and beat my 6th grade math teacher's time at multiplication - 100 to a page from 1-12. I beat his time, 100 ALL CORRECT, in 1 minute 14 seconds. Major victory, after watching an older student come down to our classroom when we were in 6th grade and try to do it, never quite managing to do it. I did get dinner for me and a friend paid for as the "prize" for winning! :)

I love that I can sense emotions in those around me. Well, I should say most of the time I love it. I feel like I just have a sense of things that other people don't seem to be aware of. Again, contrary to what people think, I have SO MUCH empathy, but sadly most of the time I don't know what to do with it. I am very bad at reading what that person may need from me when they are going through something. So though that may mean that I look like I'm not empathetic, I feel just as deeply about it as anyone else, I just don't know what is the right way to respond. But I love having this inner sense about me. At least in my own head I can sometimes justify people's behavior based on the fact that I just sensed they were out of sorts. It sure helped me in school, I just always sensed when something major was up, and I knew when my teachers perhaps needed a little pick me up.

Unfortunately, I forget to take care of myself. I don't go to bed early enough to get a good start on tomorrow. And I sleep in. And I don't exercise enough. I have some great kids, who also sleep in. So I'm lucky. Still, I wish I could actually feel content enough to go to sleep at night. It's just like I've been running on empty all day, and I need that time after bedtime to just decompress or do whatever it is that I want to do. Like, right now, I'm focused enough alone and quiet to write this post. Sometimes I just veg out and play a game or surf facebook or something. 

The best self care I can get is the kind I don't like to take. When I decided to be a mom, I decided that I was a full time mom. I barely accept anything less than 24/7 mom. My kids don't routinely go anywhere except their grandma and grandpa's house. If I go to town, the kids go to town. If I go to the doctor, the kids go to the doctor. I don't especially want to be without my kids, I enjoy being around them. We as a family have decided that I don't work, so we make the necessary adjustments to our life to make that happen. It is a sacrifice every day, but it has been so worth it. Homeschooling my son this year has been an exciting journey, because I love watching him soak things up like a sponge. I love seeing him "get it" when we learn something new.

The best kind of self care is doing things alone. I recharge by being alone, most definitely. 

On Mother's Day, my husband had to work, but we were going to go to his parents for supper that night. I hadn't been able to go to the grocery store yet that week, so I went on Sunday and I decided that I was going to leave the kids with grandma and grandpa this time. I turned up my music, I opened the windows, I did my shopping, went home windows down music up. Dropped the groceries off and only put away the cold ones. Then I went to the lake, alone. I sat in the car and read a whole magazine. I got out and took some pictures and listened to the wind (and got very cold). I talked to myself. (Yep, I talk to myself. Shush, it is the perfect way to process things, to work things out, to get out "the thing I should have said", or whatever.)

That was a GREAT day. I used to do that quite a lot. Of course, before kids I was often/always alone. Once I had my son, however, I was full time, all in, 24/7, and it was good that I was prepared for that because my little aspieboy needed that (and pretty much still does) and that's okay with me. But I still need that time alone, that time away. 

My daughter isn't nearly as needy, so much so that I've been considering possibly working a little bit this summer. I used to work for a resort. Maybe I could double that as alone time if I could get a little laundry room work. But then, at the same time, I wonder if the grandparents can handle both those crazy kiddos for that long. I'm only still thinking about this.

I know many parents who literally say if they had to spend all day every day with their kids they would go mad. So they work. That is SO not me. It isn't that my kids drive me that nuts that I wouldn't want to be with them. However, that doesn't erase my own need for that alone time! Though every minute of my alone time I'm wishing that I were with my kids anyway, even though I know that what recharges me is the alone time! 

It can be pretty complicated!

SO anyway, back to the staying up late. That is my alone time. The "perfect situation" would have me getting up early in the morning to have this alone time to start the day, and that would honestly be great too. I do feel much better if I get up before the chatters begin. However, I am not the kind of person who can collapse at the end of the day to sleep. I need that bedtime alone time too. 

So, it is what it is. Every day is a new day to try again, forgive myself, move forward, and hopefully improve on something, if only a tiny bit.

Just remember to care for yourself fellow Aspies.

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Stress Gives Me Hives

Last year, right around when spring finally arrived where I live, I began to have hives! When I went in to see a doctor, they figured it was scabies and gave me a prescription for the cream for that. Since B-girl and I bedshare, I had to treat her too, and the first time I also treated B even though he had no symptoms. This was miserable because you have to coat yourself in this icky lotion, and regular lotion already drives me nuts, but you have to coat your whole body with that stuff, and its slimy and ick... and B-girl was a baby so I was nervous about putting what's basically an insecticide on my infant. 

They seemed to go away but came back. I thought, well, I didn't retreat in a week like it says you may have to do, so I'll retreat. Didn't work. Once more? Still have hives.

Either suffered through or something until I could get in with a dermotologist. He tested me for a list of things like lupus and whatnot, and gave me THREE meds to take to try to shut them off. They did practically nothing. I say practically because a month and 10 pounds later, I find out one increases appetite, and is used to help little kids gain weight sometimes. Sure worked on me, as a breastfeeding mom you're used to having to have a snack, but apparently, it went a little farther than even that, and BOOM 10 pounds. Thanks a lot.

Complained to the derm enough that he finally sent me to an allergist. Tested me for allergies and found out I am allergic to dogs, cats, grass and ragweed. I have 2 indoor cats and the outdoor dog. He kinda stopped the train, determined the cats are the issue, rid the cats, rid the hives, problems solved. 

Except anyone with pets will tell you that contemplating getting rid of your pets is a very hard thing to do, especially if they are cats like mine who keep mice from getting around in my house and on my surfaces. I'll choose hives over mice on my surfaces and in my clothes and house any day.

Christmas was miserable, but its stressful with family and business and we went to some family friends who has a LOT of cats (and other animals) so it is hard to say which is worse.

See, hives can be caused by about a million different things, from allergies like I discovered I have, and stress, monthly cycle, heat, friction/scrapes, sun, cold, food, etc etc etc and it can be extremely difficult to hunt down the exact cause. 

However, recently, I found out (via EWG) that borax has a high risk of skin reactions and asthma, among other things. I skip using my borax/washing soda/oxyclean laundry detergent mix for a while. Then one day I decided to wear a shirt I hadn't worn (and therefore hadn't washed) in a while, and BOOM - hives wherever the shirt touched me. It had been washed in the borax mix, and gave me hives again. 

This past weekend I had a busy busy few days. I had to go to St. Paul for a homeschool convention. First of all, I don't LOVE the cities. (Except the view, from a distance LOL). It is interesting to look at but I hate driving down there, I get lost in new places, and in the cities its always new because of constant non stop road construction. And St. Paul isn't a town I've been in more than once (maybe). So I was nervous. I am grateful for that whole phone has GPS thing, because she just tells me exactly where to go and be on the road, and that is helpful. 

Friday I met my niece at Como so she could watch my kids while I was at the conference. Figuring I had such good parking, and I hate driving down there, I though, "well, lets just take the bus!" 

RIIIIIIIIGHT. 

What I learned after getting on the bus and going all the way to Minneapolis and back to the same bus stop again was that I got on the bus on the wrong side of the road. That's all I did wrong, but it took forever, and a bus switch at "the end" to get there. Then on the way back, I got on 3b instead of 3a, and ended up on Front Ave instead of Como/Horton. So I had to get off at Snelling and walk toward Como from there some 8 blocks. And this entire trip back I was wrestling with my purchased curriculum and other helps, in bags that were heavy and ripping! I had my brother go to the bus stop I got on the bus at there, but then found out I was way down the street so I had him start walking my way while I struggled his way. At some point his gf went and got her car, and picked us up which rocked. Got back to the zoo where the kids and niece were waiting and was completely and totally overwhelmed and exhausted. And starting to get some real nice hives, especially where the bags had been hanging on me. 

That night was exhausting and full of hives. Ice was my friend. 

The next day went a lot smoother, a friend who was watching the kids that day drove us down there and they went right across the street to the Science Museum while I was at the conference. I didn't have to buy anything but found a few more helps so I had a few more things. The day went well, no bumps in the road, even lots of extra time and a great lunch. Lost my water bottle, but found it right away at the first vendor I thought to look at. Since we were parked right across the street it wasn't much of a walk to get to the car, and boom, it was no problem getting out of town either. And believe me, I drove almost directly home only stopping once to eat something and use the restroom, and B-girl slept the entire drive. Hives were bad all the way home. 

I was so bummed because they had been good for the past 3 months, only showing up to tell me it was that time of the month, and going away after that. I had a good 2-3 weeks of no hives there for a while! Now I was going home to my cats, where supposedly I assumed they would only get worse. 

Want to know something funny? They didn't get worse. In fact they got better and they're pretty much gone today. 

So, are the cats really bothering me? Is it because theres grass growing in the cities and not here, and what happens, then, when our grass starts growing? Is it just stress that brings them on? Was it laundry soap used on our sheets in the hotel, or the whole pressure hives from the bags I hauled? Or heat? 

Things I guess there aren't any answers to. 

In the mix of all this, I lost some things, I know for sure of one item and a receipt, so I have some contacting to do yet today on that. So maybe stress really was killing me? Maybe stress is all it is that brings them on in the first place? And how on earth am I going to stop these hives from happening every single time I have to do something or go somewhere?

Feeling Overwhelmed

I think feeling overwhelmed is common for people with Autism/Spectrum. I have often heard or read about people with Autism/Spectrum "losing it" in large gatherings, or specifically during times in their lives when they were overwhelmed or exhausted past the point of normal. 

Whatever the causes of these overwhelming times, one thing is certain; this particular trait alone can set us apart, even without a known cause.

Today it is very common for people to constantly be on the go. From work to children's after school activities to our own extracurriculars, it seems to be the norm that people are constantly running, and giving of their time and energy to every pursuit that one could possibly imagine. It isn't just all the kids have X activity, its that child 1 has this activity, and child 2 has a different one, and child 3 has yet another one, and so on. Then we ourselves will say yes to a wide variety of other responsibilities, whether for family, friends, work or church. It's just "normal" to be constantly busy and constantly social.

I know, from my viewpoint, that it is impossible for anyone with Autism/Spectrum to be on the go at all times, if for no other reason than that it takes a lot less stimuli for us to be overwhelmed, whether we realize it or not. Often times, unfortunately, I don't realize I'm overwhelmed until its too late and I'm having those typical anxiety attack symptoms. Whether there is a specific form of sensory input that bothers us the most (such as sights, sounds, smells), or simply one more than we can handle at a time, or if it is just all of them in combination, it takes far less time for someone on the spectrum to become overwhelmed with certain situations. 

As I said, this alone can set us apart. It makes us "weird" that we can't function the same way that other people do. It makes us abnormal that we can't handle a trip to the store on Labor Day Friday. It makes us different, and we stick out, because we can't be comfortable in certain situations, especially social ones such as a party. It makes us confusing when we need to take a few minutes (or more) to sit down at the computer, bring out our phones, or leave the room when we have company at our house.

I've never been someone who has to have people around me all the time. I am lonely without my children around me, but as far as friends go, I have never been someone who needs to have regular physical, in person contact with my friends. Facebook does the job for the most part. There are times in life that I wish they were physically there for me, but for the most part, (no offense), I find that life is a lot easier without having to socialize in person. However, I have noticed that the times that I do have people here, I do need to take that step out of the room. It is a good thing that my husband is fairly social most of the time, and the fact that I am no longer in the room is usually not noticed by guests, because my husband just keeps chatting. 

I do remember, however, having birthday parties or something at my house as a child, and after a while I would be found alone somewhere reading a book. This was something that was not "normal". Shouldn't I want to spend time with my friends? Shouldn't I be out with them, doing what they were doing, playing with them, talking to them? Sure, I did, in a way. But honestly, it was a lot easier to play by myself, and since I loved reading, it was a lot more peaceful in the confines of a book than it was with a bunch of kids.

I can't speak for the people I was friends with when I was younger but I'm sure that this problem with easily becoming overwhelmed had a lot to do with why they ended up not being my friend, even if they had been my friend and defended me for years. I had a very hard time with kids my age. I didn't understand why they acted the way they did, and I'm sure they didn't understand me either. I can't recall a single instance in elementary when I actually played WITH another kid. I remember pretending to be one of the boxcar children, but I was alone. I remember doing cartwheels and whatnot, but again, I was alone (and even teased for pretending that I was really doing 'gymnastics'). I remember hating when everyone wanted to play kickball or something at recess, because I would much rather find something else to do. 

Being overwhelmed is a very disabling feeling. Basically, I would rather collapse onto the floor than have to deal with any social or loud situation when I am overwhelmed. Unfortunately, I usually don't want to sleep. I have a very complicated relationship to sleeping early. I feel as if something is wrong with me if I go to sleep earlier than 10, as if I'm sick or something. Even if I am sick, it just feels wrong to go to sleep early. This is something I would like to change, but for now, at least 10 works. It could be worse. 

People who are expected to act like everyone else, yet can't, find that very few people will go out of their way to deal with your differences. Where the norm is to party all night Friday and Saturday, there is nothing left for one to do with others that doesn't involve overwhelming parties and other such situations. 

Anyway, I've been interrupted several times through writing this post today, so if it seems incoherant, I apologize. I also seem to have gone off on a tangent, so I'm sorry for that too. :P