Friends & Family and the Confusion Therein

A song came on my spotify today that took me back a few years to when I would listen to a radio show of an acquaintance from college. They was working a radio show at my first year college radio station and the song I requested was "too pop 40" for the station, but they thought I would like that song, and I did. I liked many of the songs from that artist, and several others I became connected with because of that suggestion. He's a really hysterical guy, one of the people I figured were too cool for me almost the entire year, so I kept my distance because I wasn't possibly good enough. I barely got to know people before it was over. But I digress....

And somewhere along the line, that friend disappeared from my fb. My assumptions was they blocked me, and that it were that it was a liberal/conservative sort of thing. I'm getting better at not being rude about beliefs because so many people are so touchy about things. I don't remember having a specific conversation with them where we disagreed, or where I was specifically rude TO them, they just blocked me with no indication as to why.

Again just recently another acquaintance seems to have blocked me, again I can only assume that things I was sharing in jest of something must have pushed them over the edge? It bothers me because, again, there was no conversation, no arguement, just ... gone.

Why oh WHY do people do that? I mean, don't you know there is ANOTHER option, UNFOLLOWING someone? Why is BLOCKING someone the action of choice? Why is it that drastic? Some little thing that I post is that horrible that you just silently run from it by BLOCKING me altogether?

What on earth?! What did I do to you, directly, to make you do that anyway? Did you ever think of asking me, saying something, having a discussion?

It really shouldn't matter, should it. Really, if that is all it takes to want them out of my life completely, they weren't really friends anyway, right?

I'm not the kind of person who forgets people though. There's still a DJ I was friends with once that I wish I could at least hear what he's doing now. Again, it's for the best. But I still wonder, because I care about people. If you're in my life, it's because I WANT you there, not because I'm just adding someone to add them. I want the people I connect with to connect with me. Sadly that's rarely the case, I guess.

I also give people chances. I'm MUCH better at this than I ever used to be, but even years ago I was always too naive to ever think that anyone was doing or saying something specifically to be mean to me. I was the one who was making excuses for them. I still do that. "Maybe they are _____". or "Maybe they arent returning my messages because they haven't been on" or whatever. I try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, because if I were to "take a break" from connection, I wouldn't want people to think it was because I was purposely ignoring them.
But then, why does it go on, and on, and on, and weeks go by, and no response? Why does it go beyond my ability to make excuses for someone, until I can have almost no doubt they are ignoring me for a reason. WORSE, they have no conceivable reason to do so. Again and again I'm having to wonder, what did I ever do to you?

I've had family members (who to be honest we don't see very often) both completely ignore me even if I sat down right next to them and talked to them, AND when we see them they act all family to my face, but in normal circumstances they completely don't care one bit about me. My sister is apparently fine, and worth talking to, but me? I'm apparently a horrible person who they don't have time for. Again and again, what did I ever do to you?

I'm smart enough to realize that the problem isn't me, because I haven't done anything deserving to be treated that way. This is their problem. They are missing out by being bitter and mean and shutting people out. But I would still like to sit here and make excuses for their behaviors, justify it or explain it somehow, at least for myself. I want to try to believe anything except that they are actually that rude, mean and hurtful. But as time ticks by, either I get impatient, or they actually are that rude.

I keep trying to figure out why this happens to me. I keep trying, as I said, to justify their behavior toward me as something having nothing to do with me.

Every time I'm just as mystified as the last time. It doesn't make any sense, we didn't have any argument, or anything. Just, they were gone. I don't get that. I really don't. 

It's life, I guess. Will never have the explanations for it. It will drive me crazy until the day I die and probably longer.

In the end, I don't understand it because I am an honest person. And when I'm your friend, I'm really a friend. I'll support your stuff and share your talents and try to connect you with people I know you would like or something. I'm true blue. And I think that it's a real rejection when people drop me like trash, because I don't know how I could have gone wrong. I still have a lot to learn, but dropping me like trash won't teach me anything. At least fill me in so I can be more aware. I am still just a person and aspergers might make me less aware than I aught to be. Just tell me. Don't tell me and block me, tell me and let me figure out what you're saying. Have a conversation you pansy! Don't be afraid to tell me what's the matter and help me understand it and let me explain things. Because OFTEN I have been misjudged and misunderstood. Sometimes I say or do things and it comes across completely wrong. That's a weakness I have, but I can't learn anything from just being dropped. You have to get a backbone and tell me sometimes. It would be at least respectful to the fact that I let you in my life at all.

So. That.

Post Holiday Blues and Social Life

It would appear that I'm more sensitive than the average bear.

I always hated when the "holiday/weekend" was over. I hated when it ended.

This past Christmas was no exception; except that there WAS an exception: it did not last long enough.

My parents and brother arrived Sunday evening. My parents stayed nights with grandpa, and my brother and his girlfriend stayed with us. They left yesterday. They were here a short 2 days.

THAT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Usually we had a nice holiday time. People were off work, we played games and had a fun time, and it lasted more than a weekend. Even though it was Sun-Mon-Tues, it felt like Fri-Sat-Sun. And that sucks.

Top that off with some good old family drama (not mine), and I've got a particularly bad case of the blues today. It is good I suppose that I've spent LITERALLY the past 5 hours sorting through LEGOS. We got our son a 3 drawer system for his Lego storage, and so I wanted to get them "organized" into that, and he mixed in a Lego game into his play legos, so I had to sort through and find those pieces and put the game back together. It literally took more than 5 hours to do this. I just finished, sore back, sore neck, tired, and cranky, but relieved that the job is finished and things are sorta organized.

I've still got the dominoes (on double 2) sitting out on the table, which still has both leaves in it. So I should probably take at least one leaf out, and maybe teach our son how to play dominoes.
My only thing I'm looking forward to in the near future is New Year's Eve and a dr appt on the 3rd. I'm hoping someone will join us for New Year's, but I have my doubts. It has been very depressing that no one has hung with us for New Year's Eve in years. Maybe my in laws will come over, but they don't stay long anymore, other things are apparently much too important (our feelings). We used to have a guy who was home every year and would come over - a friend of my husband's, but he hasn't been home for the holidays in a few years. My parents never were New Year's people. And I'm guessing that because we don't serve alcohol, no one cares to come over. It is really depressing.

My birthday is coming up next month as well, the big 3-0. I have these dreams of what I would LIKE to do (a limo, fancy dresses, dinner out somewhere, my besties coming from the far away states they live in to be here with me... yes, I'm talking to you Idaho and Oklahoma!).... but I'm going to guess I will be lucky to get cake and a dinner 2 miles from home.

People with Aspergers are "known" for not being the most social people. We are awkward, we feel awkward, we don't know what to say or do most of the time. Socially things are never easy. But that doesn't mean that we want to be left alone completely. I do crave the occassional game night and having people over and doing something fun. It doesn't take a lot, I don't require much out of a friendship, but somehow it seems that people are much too busy. Maybe they are taking care of those friendships that are more high maintenance? I mean, I know everyone struggles with money, and I'm pretty much an hour from most of the people I would care to have over, very few exceptions there. It is still lonely, and I still get disappointed that it never works out. We used to have people over a lot. We used to have great birthday parties and get togethers. I don't know why or how those went away. But it's disappointing. 

Anyway. The holidays can really suck. I wish I could go into a ton of details, but I hate when things get back around to people, when I just need to vent. But honestly, I am sick of it. We have tried as a family unit to make our own plans, control our own lives, and make it as fair as possible. We wanted to nix the running around thing when we were first married, so we had everyone come here, but that always ended up being stressful. When we were celebrating separately last year (due to circumstances beyond our control), it worked so well, it felt so relaxed and comfortable. So this year we thought we would work it out that way too, but we were STILL trumped. We were still forced into the stressful pain in the butt schedule that we've had to experience before. No respect for our schedule, opinion, feelings or plans, because they weren't scheduled by someone else.

Next year things will be different. We will do what we have to do, but if we end up having one Christmas on Christmas and the other on New Year's, then so be it. We are not playing games with our schedule, we are not going to be messing around when we've got 2 kids to deal with on sleepless holiday schedules, we are not going to let someone else control what we do and when we do it. There is going to be ONE family Christmas for one side, and ONE for the other, OR there will be one for both. Both me and my husband were distracted, frustrated and overwhelmed by the constant nagging, guilt tripping and passive aggressive behaviors that went on this Christmas, and we are not putting up with it anymore.

Anyway. It's easy to say that we've had it with the bull. I am glad that I am not the one who brought this up, and that I am not the one complaining (mostly because I'm not the one getting the passive aggressive phone calls). Next year will be different. I don't know how, I don't know what is going to happen, and I don't know how we are going to manage to get the rediculous behavior to end. But one way or the other, we are ending it.

It would be a whole lot easier if we would just be able to move, then there wouldn't be many choices in the matter. You come, you stay the "holiday weekend" and then you go home; none of this eat, presents leave garbage. It's like, its not even about family, its about the food and presents, and the heck with ya. That is not what Christmas is all about.

I'm glad we were broke this year and hardly bought anyone anything. Though I felt really bad about most of that, really honestly, a part of me didn't feel bad at all. Because we never get any quality time, just food, presents, and boom, over.

Just venting. It sucks to have to deal with this.