Nothing About Us, Without Us

One of my favorite groups out there is ASAN (Autistic Self Advocacy Network). The title of this blog post is their slogan, and I think it is a vitally important one, and not just for Autistics.

See, when I was a kid, I was quirky, weird, crazy, and in some ways absolutely out of my mind. Maybe not so much as a little kid, but definitely as a teenager. Hey, those are hard years, multiplied greatly any time you are different than the rest of the kids around you, and have no real explanation as to why you're different.

I didn't relate well to other kids. I had friends almost all the time, but a small group, and in hindsight they were not really good friends. Some actually had the nerve to be my friend, and do terribly torturous things to me at times. I didn't really have a choice.

The most important people when I was a kid was my teachers. In true aspie fashion, I related well with adults, and not so well with kids my age. This makes things complicated, fast, unfortunately.

In my opinion, it's actually pretty sad that a kid and an adult can't be friends without there having to be "more to the story" or something. And because most people think that, they are MORE than willing to put their own spin, judgement, assumptions, and opinions on it. Other kids are just as bad, if not worse. And unfortunately, aspies are typically the kind of people who want to believe you at your word. And, since we tend to be naive, we also will believe what you tell us about certain things, much to our detriment.

We are a society who is squeamish about sex, or romantic relations of any kind. We are greatly uncomfortable with a kid who self pleasures, we balk at curious questions that our tweens might ask as they are growing up and hearing or reading things, and we panic at the thought that our teens might actually be doing things at their age, even though for the most part we do little to nothing to actually stop or properly educate kids to avoid doing these things. We leave them to their own devices (literally, smartphones are the quickest and easiest way to material kids shouldnt be seeing) and we don't think we have to do the work of preventing kids from doing things. We make excuses like "They're going to do it no matter what we say...." instead of even trying.

We make a big deal when a girl and a boy are friends at ages where they aren't even close to knowing or caring what it even means. Saying your 2 year old has a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is not exactly the healthiest thing to say, and will set them up for the confusion that they can't be friends with someone without it HAVING to be romantic. We are putting adult content on simple friendships at ages where they haven't even realized that they will even do those things when they get older, at ages where little girls and boys still want to grow up and marry dad or mom! 

So the minute that an adult thinks from their adult perspective that something they see is a romantic or sexual attraction, we panic and we put labels and our own opinionated judgements on it.

I know I've heard people who were called fat over and over say that the hard part is that once you hear that over and over, you actually start to believe it.

I wouldn't say that is any different with romantic relationships, or, as my topic is heading, "assumed" romantic relationships.

I know I've written before about my "crush" on a teacher in high school, and unfortunately for that guy it was 6 years of madness. The longer I think about things, and examine them in my mind, flashbacks come to me. Seriously, the brain is amazing. I remember talking about him in such and such a way, how his class was exciting and fun or something, and a friend telling me "Oooh you loooooooove him!!" and a "light bulb" went on, and I believed her.

I'm not making this stuff up. And for 6 years to follow, thanks to her, I was repeatedly told, tortured, teased and laughed at for being "teachers pet" (but not enough to give me that in senior superlatives) and "loving" this poor guy. To me he took it very well, and even in senior year, he was merciful enough to tell me I wasn't the first girl to go crazy, there were others with other teachers and everything. I felt he was protective of me, he must have realized how naive I really was and I actually hope he didn't take me too seriously. A counselor once told me he wished it would all just go away, but that didn't make sense in the light of the fact that I could ignore him (most often because some other adult made me feel guilty about the whole thing) and he would still treat me the same way.

Now that I'm an adult, became diagnosed, started following Tony Attwood, and ran across this all important video that I have posted about before, that literally, and I'm not kidding you, LITERALLY changed and rocked my world, right to the core. Starting at minute 5:40 or so, I'll try to write up the words here because they are so critically important, not just for me to explain to you, but for myself as well.

"..We've had a lot of discussion on the difference between special interest friends and intimate friends and how from the outside an NT, looking at a relationship between an aspergian and an NT that could look like as if it's intimate is actually nothing more than a special friendship. One example would be a professor and a student, where the student to some degree looks like he or she is idolizing a professor, but it's a very platonic thing."

T.A. "It is, but those with aspergers might idolize intellect, not physique. In other words, they're not necessarily having a crush, in terms of wanting a sexual relationship, they're admiring the intellect of that person. Another component is the tendencies to assume that people are sexually orientated. Many people with aspergers are what I call asexual, they're not interested in a sexual relationship with someone. They're interested in an intellectual relationship and may be very enthusiastic and for that, but people will project onto that person, that their motives are sexual. 'NO! It's the brain I'm interested in, it's the ideas that I'm interested in, not physical.'"

"That frames up her question nicely. She's wondering how to protect these people that are involved in this non romantic special interest relationship. So it is in her best interest to say 'This is my sister the student, she is not looking at him as a sexual object, she is admiring his intellect."

T.A. "Oh, absolutely. And in aspergers intellect can be one of the most important, if not THE most important, personality characteristics that you admire in people. So it's the intellect I'm interested in, not that person in terms of a sexual relationship. And in fact, the person with aspergers is then horrified, that people would, 'But no! I'm interested in his ideas, I'm interested in what he says because it's so fascinating.' But the degree of passion for the ideas is assumed to be a sensual/sexual passion. But it's an intellectual passion. Now, I don't know whether you're allowed to do this, but I would say it creates an intellectual orgasm. Whether you can actually put this on youtube, or whether, I don't know. But that intellectual orgasm is so enjoyable it's better than an interpersonal orgasm."

"Well, okay, is that something that we try to explain to other NTs?"

T.A. "Yes, because otherwise they'll misinterpret. The person whos the focus of this usually recognizes its not sexual, it's not sensual, because they just sense that it's the mind that's being explored. And other people think 'Oh with that degree of adulation, there must be a hidden agenda, she's doing this so she can appeal to that person to get higher grades, to use a bit of the sort of strategies that could be used to tempt someone', and that's not their intention."

"Why are we as NTs sometimes so disgusting in the conclusions we draw?"

"Because we're looking at ourselves and what we would do in that situation, and realize there can be completely different motives."

That was a lot of work, but so important.

I can see almost every piece of that fits into the situation in which I found myself. I wish someone had had the knowledge in which to explain that to me, to him, back then. I wish someone had had enough of an ability to diagnose me with aspergers! Give me some answers, give me some reasons, give me some explanation for so many things.

But, even though this was above and beyond one of the greatest times of my life, it was, at the same time, one of the most confusing.

He is absolutely brilliant. He knew what he was teaching, he didn't just read it out of some book. And he loved it and made me love it, which is great because now I love Biblical history too! 

I wasn't horrified at the suggestion that it was romantic because I didn't know any better. I believed what I was told, because that's what happens to naive people in school where you honestly sense you aren't as "street smart" as everyone else, so you believe what they are projecting onto you, your friendships/relationships, and your life. And to hear Tony Attwood say "The person who's the focus of this usually recognizes its not sexual, it's not sensual, because they just sense that it's the mind that's being explored." is amazing, because like I said, he never treated me differently, no matter what I was told by other adults, no matter what it seemed like. It's almost like he knew and understood what it was, but didn't really have the words or explanation for it himself, so it must be what everyone is saying... maybe they even projected onto him what it was, because no one had the words, insight, knowledge or sense to see it any other way. Though, parts of me hesitate to assume he thought anything, I'm just thinking of it from my angle both as the student involved and the adult looking back with more wisdom and just plain knowledge than I had back then.

And the only reason I'm bringing this all back up is because it comes up from time to time. I am doing some different things - counseling/life coaching style things - and a phone group discussion I was faced with "other people's projections" as someone who apparently knows me made the comment of how they were "afraid for me" during that time.

Afraid of what, exactly? That's what I would like to know.

And unfortunately, as I think about it and roll it around in my head (because that's what I do with everything in my life), I realize with a sinking feeling in my stomach that every single person who knew, every single person who was around in my life back then, every single person in the school, they all knew, and they all projected onto me their assumptions of what was going on. And further, they talked about me behind my back, whether to him or not, I may never know. And they haven't forgotten, and they still think of me on those terms. They were worried. I don't know if they were worried I'd get hurt, or if they were worried I would embarrass myself, or if they were worried that I would come on to him, or do something inappropriate, I don't know what they were worried about. I was a rule following, card carrying perfectionist, but I would break ranks to come on to a teacher because, in their eyes, I was in love.

And, even if I were in love with him, even when I believed it was true, I followed the rules. I knew what was right and wrong, and I don't think that I would have ever done anything that I would have viewed as crossing the line. I knew and understood there was a line. Others made no mistake to remind me of the line as well, as if they thought they were telling me something I didn't already know.

The problem, maybe, is that what I did do they viewed as crossing some line.

As an aspie, again, I related better with adults. And that made other adults uncomfortable. They just didn't know what they didn't know.

Which brings me to my title: Nothing About Us Without Us. 

It's just good life principle to not make assumptions about other people's intentions, motives, thoughts, words, actions, without first checking with them, and clarifying if necessary ("I hear you saying ______, is that right?)
How much difference would it have made, in both my life back then, and as a whole, if someone had just asked me what my intentions were, what I liked him for? And maybe I wouldn't have had the words to tell them either. But I still feel there would have been a drastic, clear difference between someone who literally wanted to get him into bed with him, and me who just wanted to pick his brain, have deep conversations about things that mattered, and learn from him! It should have been obvious to any logical adult, but I guess they had already made their minds up what it was, and didn't think it was necessary to ask

I think everyone who reads this needs to be aware of this human tendency to make assumptions instead of asking. We need to not talk about people as if they are unable to be a part of the conversation, whether autistic or NT. I don't care if they are nonverbal, we need to stop putting words into the mouths of others, our thoughts into their brains, our motives into their motives. From kids to adults, disability or not, we need to make no judgements on people, and allow everyone the benefit of the doubt. For the most part, I believe that most humans are just trying to do the best they know how. Obviously there are exceptions to that, and that's too bad. But we shouldn't let those exceptions be the rule for all people, especially not people we know, especially not our friends. And even more critical to teach those things to kids, so they don't have to be adults who have to change.

Nothing about ANYONE, without THEM. Let the subject of the rumor have the voice. Don't be afraid to ask people, using discretion to privacy when possible or necessary. Catch yourself when you are starting to make judgements about someone's intentions (yes, I did catch my own judgements above, I don't really have the ability to go back and ask every single one of those people what they think anymore - I'm talking when you do it in your present life, with your current relationships.) And stop others from doing it. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Give people the other side of the coin. Be the one who says "Well, maybe it's not like you say."

You might just change someone's world that way.

Processing Speed, Decision Making, Changing Your Mind Pt2

So, where I really intended to go was to the point of decision making.

We all make decisions every day. Won't dwell on that more than I have to. Sometimes, in some phases of life, decisions are harder to make. Side note: I've been having a really hard time making decisions lately. I think my brain is all used up with raising a family. And for now, that's okay. So if I forget you, or something important, just remind me. Sometimes I will take longer to decide on whether or not to do something, or what to do in general. I'm working on it. :P 

But what I really wanted to get at is this..
When you make a decision, be confident in it! 

Don't worry about what your friends are going to say, or your family, or your doctor, your neighbors, or the stranger on the street.

It shouldn't matter.

Obviously, you have a spouse, then there's two of you and it might be harder to come to decisions on some things, but you still have to have a united front.

But to anyone else outside of your spouse, it should not matter what anyone thinks of your decisions.

Just. Make. The. Decision.

Once you make it, it's done. Right? Isn't that the way it is with everyone else? Maybe it's just me?

Like I said in my last post, when  I was diagnosed she said because of my SUPERHIGH processing speed, I tend to make decisions and I make them FIRM as concrete. It's gonna take some really hard info to make me change my mind about something.

And, for the most part, I can't think of a time when I (we) chose something and it ruffled my feathers when someone else thought the opposite of my (our) personal decisions.

I'm not the only one, this I know. 

The thing that drives me crazy is people who can't seem to get that confidence I think they should have over their own decisions. They get mad at me, tell me that their decisions are theirs to make, whatever. But they are not confident in their own decisions. I mean, if they were, wouldn't they not be bothered no matter who was telling them something the contrary?

I guess we are all probably guilty of the same thing: thinking that others tick like we do. I do see how many different ways I think others should be like me. Wow, that sounds like a terrible statement. Who am I to think I'm so special as to think anyone else should be like me?
Logically, though, if you make your own decisions, should it really matter what anyone else says? I guess maybe it's just me who thinks that.

Feeling Things Differently

I've been having a lot of french toast lately.

I wouldn't call it a "craving" though. In fact, during none of my pregnancies would I say I had a specific craving for anything in particular. With them all I wanted sugar, but I'm kinda a sugarholic to begin with. With my son I couldn't even stand the smell of meat, and with my daughter I didn't mind it. This pregnancy I have no meat aversions.

But never was there something I wanted so desperately and couldn't have it (besides the sugar, believe me, I know how bad it is...)

But I've been having french toast a lot lately. Even when I was taken out for dinner last night, I had french toast. Today for lunch I had leftover french toast. We had french toast for breakfast both Saturday and Sunday morning. 

Is that a craving?

In my previous labors, everyone always talks about how excruciating it is. I had 2 natural births, and I don't remember excruciating. I remember uncomfortable and hard work, but it was more compared to me running a marathon (and anyone who knows me should know how much I looooove running *sarcasm). 

Maybe I'm just lucky. I did have rather short births that I started out dilating weeks ahead of time for. With both I was nearly 4-5 cms before I was feeling much besides the normal tightning. Which also reminds me of people talking about how braxton hicks were so painful, and mine are nothing more than tightning or a slight ache, nothing I would even compare to having a period to be honest.

Is there just something about it, or does it really vary that much? I mean, I know that I think of things differently, I think about different things, I know I'm different because of my autism. I know many people with autism feel the same way. 

But is it different enough that literally there are physical differences that we don't feel sensations of life the same as everyone else? I'm sure not all autistic people have "low pain" births like I have. Maybe some are on the complete other end of the spectrum completely.

What I'm saying is maybe its possible that our brains take in ALL sensory information differently enough that we have a completely different life experience because of our brain differences? Literally having physical life experiences are different, either good or bad, because of our autism?

I don't know the answer. I know some people are affected by sound, like my son. I know sometimes when my brain is overwhelmed, I have a harder time with sound too. Most of the time though I'm just very hard of hearing. 

Anyway, it was just something I thought of today and figured I would write. I know it's been a while again. I just have been so distracted I haven't thought of much to say.

Thanks, and Merry Christmas!

Journey For The Boy

I know I may have alluded to this in the past, but the boy has some genuine characteristics of Aspergers. Spoke with his doctor since it has been difficult the past year or 2, and she referred us to a neurologist, who pretty much said that he is our little aspie boy! 

Tomorrow we start the official testing, or rather, the intake process for the testing. His first actual testing date is Dec 31, and then several of the following Wednesdays after that, until results at the end of January. As with myself, I'm rather certain that he is definitely my little aspie boy. I've known since birth really. But I need more tools to help him to be less anxious and more at peace, and get his going to bed under control. Something happened when he turned 6, and he stopped falling right to sleep! So strange, as he slept so well up until then. Oh well, getting older. 

So, here we go. Mostly, I just want probably what all parents want, for my kid to be happy, and for us to have the tools to work with the times that aren't so happy, and help him through that stuff, and set him up to be able to get through those times as an adult.

Arguementative

Are all aspies arguementative? Do we all argue with people? Or worse, do we argue with other aspies? Is there something about aspergers that leads to butting heads all the time?

I mean for this one to be a conversation, and I'd like anyone reading this to chime in. If you have found that aspies you know to be arguementative, and if you are an aspie if you find yourself to be arguementative, or something.

A Long Pause.....

Sorry I haven't posted in a long time.

It has been a long summer. And now it is fall. Like, today, officially.

Sometimes when in conversation, one may encounter a long pause.
This pause is usually uncomfortable. There is rarely a time when it is a comfortable pause, it usually leads me to think "what should I say?". It is very confusing.

I'm already bad at "small talk" anyway. I don't know what to say, or ask. I usually avoid asking a lot of things because I don't want to come across rude or nosy. There is this subconscious feeling that asking questions is rude or nosy, and I'm not sure where that comes from. Why can't I just ask a question without feeling this way? I mean, people ask ME questions and I don't feel they are rude or nosy. Why would I feel so strongly that they think that about me? I don't know. I guess I would rather people just tell me things instead of lead me through a long list of "I'm waiting for you to ask me a question to give you more information". My husband is even guilty of this one. Sometimes he will start telling me something, and leave a long pause, as if waiting for me to ask. Well, if you know I'm going to have to ask, why don't you just finish what you're telling me and not wait for me to ask? Why do I have to ask to get further information? 

Anyway, if you're reading this and you're a friend, just tell me things. Don't wait for me to ask. Because I'm likely wanting to ask, but don't want to feel rude. It's all so confusing. Any other aspies feel this way?

That Wonderful Friend Miss Flow (Ladies Only)

If you are a guy, you probably won't be interested in what I have to say today. Or, you might, if you have an aspie wife or something. But anyway, I thought I would have a few words about this topic.

Since my diagnosis two years ago (Its only been two years? It feels like longer!), I haven't had that many periods. Not long before that I had the Mirena (a very evil spawn of satan device), so I hadn't had many periods for 3-4 years before that.
And, in the past 21 months, I haven't had a period at all, what with being pregnant, and breastfeeding. I'll tell you, I was not missing it (am I right ladies?!). 

Anyway, I came to a point in the past week or so where I was becoming very forgetful. Seriously I couldn't get out of the house without forgetting something, I would forget certain things I was supposed to do, if I was going to write to someone to ask something I would forget what I was going to ask, I would forget what I was doing and get distracted in the other room... some of this is normal, but it was much WORSE than normal. I usually have it together for the most part. I usually can handle things and usually if I forget what I was going to ask, I would eventually remember. I still haven't remembered (even though I know I wanted to ask so and so something). The other day I went to a grocery thing, and forgot a box to put things in, and I forgot my punch card - which was in my WALLET, which I also forgot (of course). 

I'm actually lucky my head is attatched. 

I also got VERY cranky. And I wouldn't just get mad or annoyed, I would get over the top, crazy insane lady, angry, and I could go on and on and on with my rants over whatever stupid thing was happening.

I'm told that as we go forward here, it should get better. Just don't know what to do with all these hormones (does that mean I'm like a hormonal teenager?). 

Anyway, it led me to wondering how us aspie ladies deal with our periods? 

Our periods are something, it seems, most women remember getting. Usually they remember how old they were, even the specific day or the story of the day. Me? I have no idea. I know sometime between the ages of 10-14 I started. I don't remember it being a big deal, or a significant day or anything. I remember mom told us about it and every time anything even looked pink down there I would be like "is THIS it?" and she would be like "no". But I only remember that being a few times. I don't remember how old I was, where I was, or anything. 

And so it goes. I never was good at keeping track of when it started and ended. I don't even know if I knew it was coming until I got crampy. Then as an adult I was on bc for several years, then pregnant, then on the Mirena (aka the devil), then off. Now we do fertilitycare. I am now good at keeping track of E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. regarding my cycle. It's critical because if I don't we can easily "fail" the intention of what we are trying to do (or not do). It's easier than it sounds.

But as far as PMS symptoms, I couldn't really tell you what is naturally normal for me. It's been too long since I was really naturally normal. Most of the last year before I got pregnant, I was not bc dependent, I was progesterone deficient, so my periods were still not "right". They were lighter than normal. So really, its been so long I haven't a clue what they are supposed to be like anymore. And like I said, I wasn't missing it!

But this was crazy. I felt totally out of control. I felt like I could not shut my mouth, I felt exhausted and lightheaded sometimes. And so angry. 

I wonder if there is a difference between aspie women's periods and NT women's periods. If you are a woman, please let me know! Obviously, we might not find out anything on this small of a blog, but it is worth the discussion. Someone, somewhere, sometime will be googling this....

Blog Referral: So Many People Are Touched By Autism - Aspie Writer

Another blog referral: this time to Aspie Writer! I have been following her for a while now, and I love hearing her stories and thoughts because so many of them are much like my own. She too grew up undiagnosed, and was diagnosed as an adult. 

This particular post is also related to the previous from My Aspie Wife. There are so many misconceptions about autism. We aren't mentally handicapped, in fact, we have gifts that many others do not and can not have. Some of the most famous inventors and artists and so on are thought to have been autistic, and if someone had told them what people with autism are told today, would we have electricity? light bulbs? famous works of art? I don't know. 

Here's her post. check out her entire blog, because she is a fantastic writer!

http://aspiewriter.com/2013/11/so-many-people-are-touched-by-autism.html

That Overwhelming Feeling

I am still ever in the process of learning more about myself, and better understanding it through the lens of Aspergers. 

I have come to realize that the days I have felt the worse are the days I go to town. I hate going to town, to be honest, especially on my own, and especially now with two kids! There is so much to worry about, and so much to try to take care of and remember to do. Of course, this is on top of other things I have to do at home, including the physical therapy exercises (which are driving me crazy, by the way, because I have a hard time remembering to do them, or having a free chance to do it!)... Some days life is just a bit suffocating!

I don't know why, but knowing that going to town is a "trigger" for me is releasing a lot of stress from my head. I know I am going to be overwhelmed, so for some reason I feel better about it. I guess knowing that I'm not really sick helps maybe? 

Life has been pretty good. Being able to stay home with my babies is really lovely! Now watching my oldest struggle a little bit with things in his life, all these presenting features of Aspergers in him, I am so glad that I have made the choices I have made, and I am glad that I have him here with me, and that he can relax for another year and learn by play instead of book work. Sometimes I feel as if we should be doing something, but I know that if he were ready, we would be doing it! 

Either way, I am having less moments with that overwhelming feeling. I know when I get home, I can't stand any bickering between me and our son, or my husband and our son, I end up speaking really quietly and just asking "please lets not argue tonight....", and the TV is too loud and I just need some quiet and peacefulness and some really laid back relaxing. I have yet to tell Jeff in a good moment about this specifically, but I know that I should and will when I get the chance. 

I love every moment since I have been diagnosed. Even assuming I was an Aspie wasn't enough. KNOWING, that has been the "cure" for a lot of the issues I encounter in my life. If I can look at issues through the Aspie lens, and find resources or experiences of other Aspie women, then I can look at the situation and realize that this is normal for me, that it is okay. I'm not sick, I'm not going to have an anxiety attack or panic attack for no reason, I have had to learn that these things are signs that I am doing too much and I need to give myself a break, and get more rest! When I do that, I always wake up refreshed and feeling 100% again. This has all been good!

So if you are an adult who thinks you might have Aspergers, please talk to your doctor about being tested. It could really make a difference in your life, and ease all the problems and worries that you have in your life!

REFERRED POST: My Aspie Brain Was Set On Buying Milk

I find this to be totally how I experience things in public. I'm not trying to ignore people, I am trying to get done what I'm doing, and I don't expect to see someone I know. Even if I do, I never know what to say, or I don't properly remember the person until long after we've parted.

http://inneraspie.blogspot.com/2013/06/my-aspie-brain-was-set-on-buying-milk.html

POST REFERRAL: Outside the Bubble

I have always felt like an outsider. Never in my life to date have I ever really felt as if I fit in with other people. The closest I can come is with my church because at least we have that common core moral belief. Even then, however, I am outside all of them because of many various different things.

This post is kinda about that. 

My first year of college was pretty nice, and I had a solid group of friends I hung out with. We had little in common, but I thought they were cool people and they accepted me, so we were friends. However many times there were just things that I "went along with" even though I thought they were stupid - like watching a certain show every day, even though it was dinner time (and I was starving LOL). I once said something to one of the guys about it, and I was told that it was ME that was keeping MYSELF on the outside. That I CHOSE to be an outsider. That they accepted me anyway, but I was the one who gave them the feeling that I wanted to stay out there.
Maybe I did. At the time I was mystified, but today, reading posts like this, I know I am on the outside, and I always will be.


http://myaspiewife.wordpress.com/2013/05/26/outside-the-bubble/

Aspergers & MY Kid

I am starting to think about the possibility of my son having some kind of Aspergers like traits. It is highly possible I suppose, they say there is some genetic predisposition. It could explain much of his behavior that we find frustrating. He is the definition of the "little professor" you hear mentioned when talking about kids with Aspergers. He knows EVERYTHING. Really, we have made him that way, when he asks a question, we give him the real answer. If he asks how a car works, daddy tells him, and we might even get him videos on it. At 2 1/2 he knew, and would tell you, how an engine works (in basic terms at least). Thank you Nix and Tix.

Anyway, dealing with that behavior and whatnot that comes with that has just begun to be more difficult, because he is questioning our rules and things like that more often than he used to. Or he would say things that basically amount to "but I am doing it this way and I think that way is better". LOL He is totally funny. However, it can get tiring. 

My OCD complicates this because, for example, when he's playing legos he is the "spread it out all over the living room floor because that's closer to where everyone else is" type. I'm the "keep it contained, out of the walkway, tiny pieces IN the container not on the floor" control type. I realize that this probably makes it no fun. I realize that it probably takes the fun out. But really, I don't want to find legos under the furniture, and in a few months or so, I do not want the baby finding them with her mouth, nor do I want to find them in the diaper later!

Anyway, I do know how to look at things from his point of view if Aspergers is what is really going on. I know how he feels when he goes through people not understanding him. I know how he feels when he just has to know the why and the how of things. I know his passion for learning about things is HUGE, and he just won't be satisfied until he's learned as much as humanly possible about it. The only struggle for me is to balance that out with the fact that kids get extremely overwhelmed with too much information, and I don't want him to get so much that he gets confused, or doesn't actually retain the information. I'm the kind of aspie who wants all the info at once too, so I tend to GIVE all the info at once. Sometimes he glazes over, and I know I gave him too much info. LOL

I'm just thinking about this more and more, and it seems like its showing itself more and more these days. I don't know if it's because of the unpredictability of our new baby coming, or if it's just that he is at a certain age where it becomes more apparent or what. One thing I know is that I'm glad he isn't in a public school right now, because kids like him end up being viewed as "troublemakers" - and that is no way to start off your schooling! Teaching him at home is going to be a very good decision!

Weather & Mood Part 2

The sun has returned.

The warm weather has taken over.

The snow is melting.

There still is little that a person can actually do outside - at least in our yard - because its a swamp and still mostly covered in 2 feet of snow. However, its melting, and the frost is indeed coming out, so we're getting there.

I feel 1000000000% better.

I am seriously convinced of this weather theory. I wonder if ALL Aspies are like this, or if its just a few. I wonder if there is any research on this. I wonder what we can do about it, or if we should all just move to warmer climates or buy those fancy lights. I wonder if those fancy lights would even work when you still have to look outside to the wide variety of colors in white, black and grey. (Even pine trees look grey/brown in the winter to me.)

So that is my thought for today. It has been a great couple of days with doors and windows flung open, plenty of sunshine until past 8 pm, and LIFE outdoors. Birds are returning and singing like crazy. Today was the first day of the explosive return of the robins. It is supposed to cool back down unfortunately to the 40s, and I do not believe the snow they are predicting next week will actually happen at 46 degrees. So we will see I guess. 

Insult

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/my-life-aspergers/200811/are-aspergians-really-rude-and-inconsiderate

Read the post linked above. THEN read my post.

I know there is a lot of confusion. People are quick to get offended. People are quick to blame the other person for the fact that they are offended. It's almost to the point where I think some people actually ENJOY feeling angry and insulted or something. 

Some might argue that being offended to words that someone else said is justifiable. I argue that unless you know for a fact that the other person's intentions were to insult, you have no right to insinuate anything negative, and your feelings of insult aren't anyone else's problem.

I feel that there is a much larger majority of people who have Aspergers or spectrum. Therefore, it is of great likelihood that a person will run across someone who is undiagnosed, and therefore completely unaware that they have differences in thinking and processing information. So when they say something you consider rude, you have no knowledge to go on that they aren't being rude on purpose. You have two options:

A: Feel insulted, lashing out, plotting some form of revenge, and responding with the best offense you can to let this person know they purposely (in your mind) insulted you in some way, and that its unacceptable.

B: Stop and think. Is this person intending to insult me? Maybe ask them "Did you mean...?" Or simply to assume the best and move along with conversation. Or even walk away.

With Aspergers and in my personal experience, I've gone on with the conversation, without a single roadbump. I haven't noticed your facial expressions of frustration or insult. Just waiting for the next conversation or something. Typically, just to add, I'm feeling uncomfortable in the silence. Am I supposed to say something? So I might try to move on to another topic since you are being weirdly quiet. Of course this makes me seem even more rude because I am ignoring your "obvious" emotional distress of insult. 

You tell me which sounds like the better choice; A or B? Most people would logically choose B, because it is rude to be mean, to lash out, to plot revenge, to tear someone a "new one". However, when actually faced with the situation, its like all logic goes out the window. Feeling insulted is an emotion, and logic and emotion are in two separate areas of the brain. Emotion is fight or flight, and there are far too many people who are interested in the fight. It seems as if they enjoy staying and fighting it out, rather than just walking away until they can give themselves time to get out of emotion and back into the logical. 

"Of COURSE that person wasn't trying to insult me. Logically, I can see where they were just ..... or ......"

Even for me, if I read something, and I wait overnight, I can logic my way out of frustration over it. If I can do it, NT's can do it too. So it shouldn't be the responsibility of the Aspie to share their thinking processes with the world, if they do not want to. It should be the responsibility of every person to behave in a respectful manner, even when encountering vile, insulting person. "Kill them with kindness". "You'' catch more flies with honey than with vinegar". "Do unto others...".

The reason that an Aspie might say something that could be interpreted as insulting? Because we don't play those little games. We don't sit around thinking about how to insult people, and honestly, I don't sit around thinking about all the ways that people insult other people so that I can plot what kind of meanness to spread just because I can "use Aspergers as an excuse". What kind of dishonest person would do that? "I have Aspergers, so I can say whatever I want and get away with it! HA! I'm gonna go find someone to insult and blame it on Aspergers."

That's not what I'm saying. That isn't how my brain works. 

READ this link!!!

http://www.adhdattorney.org/?p=621

"Another main characteristic is that these socially uninhibited children will say exactly what’s on their minds, without regard to social implications. They might find humor in things the average person won’t, or might be very literal and not find the humor in a subtle witticism that all their peers are laughing at. They just might not “get” a very obvious joke. They are often mistaken for impolite or rude. There are painful social implications for these children."

"He notes the Asperger child’s different perception of the world around them and their own unique way of experiencing sensory events. He points out their strong need “to seek knowledge, truth and perfection,” but they just do it differently than more typical children. To them, the solving of the problem is more important than what others might think about them: They see details, as opposed to the whole."

The truth is more important than whether or not you're insulted by the truth. I won't know you will be or are insulted by it. I just know a truth, and if you don't like it, or don't agree with that truth, that's fine. Just don't blame me for the fact that you feel insulted. 

It is painful to have people get insulted at a lot of things you say. It is almost as if you are being told you shouldn't talk because what you say offends everyone. Almost as if you are being told "it doesn't matter what your opinion or truth is, if it offends me I don't want to hear it". 

No wonder web searches and browsers are only giving you search and ad information related to your previous interests, posts, or searches. Because people honestly only want to hear things that agrees with their thinking. They don't want to break out of the box and remain logical, sensible and calm. They want to only hear that people agree with them, and they want to smack down with anyone who doesn't. 

The next time you encounter a rude person, step out of your box of comfort for a minute. Either ask for clarification, or start telling yourself that they didn't mean it that way (even if you think they did). This is as much for your benefit as it is for the other person. You avoid an arguement, and you are on your way to tolerance, which we ALL could use a dose of.

This is election season. Everyone needs to hear the message that most people do not intend to insult (most of the time). Especially now, with the elections, everyone is more and more polarizing every time. This is causing division everywhere, from workplaces to families. 

So, I ask you simply, just stop being so offended all the time, and especially stop blaming someone else for it. Who cares if they think you are a selfish rude snob (an example of something I would NEVER SAY, let alone imply!). That's their (wrong) opinion. Let them have it, and move on, instead of getting all insulted and lashing out in return. EVEN WHEN INSULTED, treat others the way you want to be treated.