Losing It

So, I'm kinda a controlled person. Like, when I left home, I took my things with me. I didn't have that much, but what I had, I took. I didn't see why not. 

Somewhere between my 3rd year of college and getting married, I lost my baby blanket. Yes, I had my baby blanket in college. It was mine, after all. It was a harmless thing that I kept inside my pillowcase. Well, either way, it vanished. I don't know. I had a couple of moves that last year before getting married. One was a house in the town I went to community college, and the stupid kid who was taking care of the place for his dad while it was supposed to be for sale, well he got some kind of ego trip and threw all my stuff into the garage and LOCKED IT. Boy did we rip him a new one when we (my bf/future husband and his parents) came down to get it out of the garage where he had basically tossed it like a teenage boy and locked it. Froze my contacts (fine, I hated them anyway... but its the principle of the thing). He didn't box it up and put it there, he hauled it down armload by armload and tossed it there. I was late paying but it wasn't as if I hadn't been communicating with him. He definitely should have said something BEFORE moving my stuff, I would have come and moved it my freaking self.

After that I lived with some mutual friends of my husband for a while. It was complicated and confusing and I was overwhelmed with wedding and couldn't really hold my end of the babysitting bargain a few times, but they were (and are) really good friends, despite not seeing them much anymore. I really appreciate what they did for me.

I don't know where in this mess my blanket went missing. I don't remember. But I'm heartbroken as I've looked for it for 12 years and not been able to find it. 

When my brother was a baby, he had this adorable outfit. It was red and blue and it was overalls with a coat and my mom took the most adorable pictures of us out back by a beautiful maple tree in the fall. When my oldest was a baby, I had the outfit and we did pictures also, even by the same maple tree! We even did pictures with Bonnie, despite the tree dying and most of it fallen over, with my 2nd. After that, I thought maybe my sister wanted to put it on her kids for some neat pictures, and I thought I was done having kids. Well, I wasn't and I asked several times for the outfit back. She is NOWHERE NEAR as obsessive compulsive as I am. They were apparently done having kids and started to give things away... and I don't know how, and I don't know when and I don't know where, but the outfit is gone. I literally looked in every box in her garage. It's gone. Not only would I have loved to also have my 3rd in the outfit, but the long term intention was for my brother to have it for his kid someday. And now, it's gone.

And I'm, again, heartbroken.

Just recently, we noticed that there were 6 covers missing for our throw away tupperware. AND one of the cups from the kids' car seats its gone (and has been for a long time). NEITHER are a big deal, really. We use the cups in the car for the two little ones to have a snack, but I don't know where the 2nd one disappeared to. And it's not like I haul food around the world or something, I don't even put them in the dishwasher because it's just not worth taking up the space, and I have things to hand wash anyway. So it goes from the cupboard, to the counter to the fridge, to the sink.... WHERE could they POSSIBLY have gone?!?

Again, these last two things are not important. They are just the "straw that broke the camels back". And every time something mysteriously disappears, I'm mystified and reminded over and over about the things that actually matter to me that have disappeared. How heartbroken I am over my baby blanket and our "family heirloom" of an outfit. And how angry I am that things disappear when I let my guard down for a moment or time period because I want to be nice, or share, or trust someone. And it only proves the one thing I'm the most scared of as an aspie: trusting someone. 

I think it seems like it's common for people with aspergers to be controlling of things, situations, conversations, play... because if we aren't in control, we have to give up trust to someone else, and that someone else might not live up to that preplanned social thing we have written in our mind to help us ease the anxiety in our minds over how something is going to go. 

And when somehow that trust gets broken, it only proves to us that we were stupid to trust them, stupid to share, stupid to let go of something that mattered. I feel stupid, disappointed, frustrated, and heartbroken that I trusted and then ended up losing something that mattered to me. 

I don't see myself as a materialistic person. I don't have a house full of things that I can't live without. But I am a nostalgic person. And there are things I have that I think of as bigger than they are because they are a part of who I used to be. Like notebooks full of diary pages. My intention is to take pictures of each page and digitalize them, especially since we found them after years of them being in the "loft" of the garage... and bugs and slight mildew got to them. Then I got pregnant, had my 2nd, followed by my 3rd just when I thought I had it together enough to start doing things again... and I'm hoping that eventually I'll get to it again. 

Does anyone else feel this way? Is there something YOU perseverate over that you've lost? Do you feel like you lose your mind when something disappears, whether its socks or tupperware lids? Is this crazy? How do I heal my broken heart over the few things that really mattered to me? Why doesn't God help me find them or prevent them from being lost, knowing it matters? Is this some way of making me not attach to things (even though I feel like I am a bit MORE neurotic about things now because I've already lost things)? 

I don't know. I just had to get this off my chest. 

High Functioning vs Low Functioning

I might have said this before, but I seriously do not like the labeling that NT people do with regard to people with autism.

Here are a couple of links:

High and Low Functioning Autism

What Does "Mild Autism" Mean?

Basically, I think that Autism is this scary word/thing that people want to avoid connecting to their children at almost all costs - including completely ignoring the struggles their child experiences as being autistic at all.
In that effort, even in cases where the label/diagnosis is unavoidable, people naturally want to minimize the thing they are afraid of in order to make their situation seem like it's less than it is.

To be completely honest, there is a varied level of "severity" of sorts when it comes to the ability of a person with autism or autistic person's ability to live on their own. Yes, there is a range of difficulties parents experience raising their children, even under NT situations.

However, we should still be careful when assuming and labeling someone's ability to "function".

Here's another post on Labels

The thing is, when you meet one autistic person or person with autism, you've met ONE. Each of us still has our own likes and dislikes and has our own thoughts. I refuse to believe that any living human is a vegetable. Just because they cant verbally express what is in their brain doesn't mean there is nothing there. We assume there must be, and give them labels like "severe" or "low functioning", when we could be TOTALLY wrong about what's going on on the inside. Imagine your body just not working right, and hearing people talk about you in terms of your function when your brain is screaming out "I AM NOT I AM RIGHT HERE!"

In my opinion we need to be doing more to help these people communicate by giving them some sort of help, or device or whatever. But I do have to back off and say that I am not really aware of what is or isn't done now because neither I or aspiekid have that particular spectrum of autism.

At the same time, treating someone like they are just like everyone else, when inside their head they have significant struggles with social cues, eye contact, and the whole laundry list of something else, and holding them to the same standard as everyone else isn't really fair. With adults this can be less pronounced for two reasons: 1: An adult Aspie is more likely to have adapted and sort of learned different social tricks, especially, it seems, in females and 2: There is a different sort of pressure of adults than there is over children. We expect children to meet certain standards of what they can do at certain ages, and if they don't it is obvious. With adults, there is less measuring against some sort of developmental scale.

With children, as teachers, parents, relatives, whatever, we tend to automatically judge them based on their level of age or grade or whatever. We know that at around 1 year old, babies usually learn to walk. So when they don't, we panic that something might be wrong (though less parents panic about that because sometimes you don't really want your 1 year old walking! LOL). 

The thing is, when you expect a kid with autism to answer your question RIGHTNOW, or if you expect them to be able to hear you in a crowd or while a show is on, or if you expect them to be able to follow steps consistently to go through a routine with little to no help... these are things that autistic kids might have a little more trouble with than NT kids. I mean, kids will be kids, but the expectation that just because they are a certain age and they SHOULD be able to do something doesn't mean they can actually do it. If a kid is "high functioning", as a kid they are likely undiagnosed, which means that they get into more trouble for not being able to do things that people think they should be able to do.

I hope I'm making sense. There's an expectation if someone can verbally function and appears to everyone to be able to manage their responsibilities, then we expect them to at all times. There is no allowance for times of stress or anxiety or overwhelm that makes them unable to do things. I can imagine (because I've both lived it and seen it in my aspiekid) that the kid is thinking "well, that would be nice to please you by doing ____, but right now my brain has been hyjacked by this crippling anxiety of ______ and I just can't and I'm even MORE overwhelmed by your expectation that I should be able to".

Anyway, that's my post on function labels. I think other people do a much better job of it than I just did, but I had to get some words out. Today I'm feeling as if I'm not really able to get my message across very clearly, as I am very distracted. But I hope this helps a little on this topic.

"Are you really....?" Referral Links and My Perceptions of my Church's Opinion on Aspergers

I'm going to do a bit of referring today. This means you might have to do a bit more reading to fully understand what I'm saying. But I hope that you find it worth the extra reading.


My Response to "You're Not Really Autistic, Are You?" 

I'm Ever So Sorry. I Really DON'T Look Autistic.

I find these to be extremely true for me. I have had plenty of people who think they are being kind by saying that I dont "seem" autistic. Listen, just because you seem rude right now doesn't make you a rude person by nature. That's the nice way of saying it. But seriously, none of us "seem" like our struggles are that bad to the normal person we know.

It also feels like a rejection of who I truly am. Yes, I "look" just like you! I pump my own gas! I go grocery shopping! Just like in that celebrity magazine where they say the celebs are just like us. Autistic people are just like you! Except our heads work differently. The stuff you can't see. Unless its "Silence of the Lambs" or something. (No, I've not watched it, I've only heard about it.) But even then there's nothing to see.

Which leads me to my church. I don't know about yours (if you have one), but I have noticed something a little disturbing within the medical/mental health professionals that are connected to my church or its publications. One even went so far as to straight up say that the people who would be considered "high functioning" (another label that I HATE to use) aren't really autistic at all, according to him. So basically, the idea is that people who are able to "look normal" have some quirks and differences, but they're just like everyone else with their own quirks and differences. Completely discounting the fact that we are still distinctly different than people in ways that have perfectly been explained under the umbrella of Aspergers. Until recently, it was a "professionally valid" diagnosis. But even at the time when I was diagnosed, it was beginning to change. They said it was going to just now be labeled under the autism spectrum. What I'm actually seeing is that now the people who would have been Aspies are being treated as if they weren't at all.

What of that? I tend to run on the "higher end" of diagnosis spectrum. What would it have looked like if my diagnosis had come back no? Honestly, I wouldn't have even believed them and chalked it up to one more thing that I know more than my medical professional.

This wouldn't be the first time or subject that I knew better of, and it probably won't be the last. I often still flirt with the 5 year obsession with tongue ties and the other oral issues they cause and are related to, something that almost every doctor won't recognize, won't diagnose, and won't treat. The ones that do don't take insurance, IF you can get insurance to cover the procedure anyway because, as with doctors, they won't recognize the issue as a medical issue that needs treating. Private insurance, it seems, isn't as picky, so some people still get lucky and get it covered. Beyond the procedure is the therapies that are pretty much required to help change the muscle memories, especially the older a person treated is - and this is something many adults have as well and can greatly benefit from having treated. It's just a huge subject and I've done a great deal of reading from both other people who have had theirs or their children's treated, to medical professionals who actually treat and try to train others to treat, and even a few therapists who deal with oral issues and retraining. Anyway, you can tell, I get rather obsessed.

So what happens to those people who, like me, are Aspies, but get told no to Autism Spectrum? There are so many undiagnosed adults out there. I'm sure many of them are doing just fine and won't seek or need a diagnosis. Still many of them are out there having so many struggles and being misdiagnosed as other things. In some cases, the effects of these misdiagnosis, horrible things happen - I know one friend who was not allowed full custody of her children because of her past history with multiple diagnosis of mental health issues (and a lying, abusive, narcissistic ex). All things that were actually Aspergers, but was misdiagnosed by uninformed doctors.

But back to my personal thing...

Do I expect too much from them because they are Christian? Or because they are the same church as me? I think maybe that's what I've done. Maybe I expect more in general. Maybe I shouldn't do that.

But really, where do they get these ideas? Ignoring the true to life experience of so many of us, and even ignoring the actual diagnosis by other professionals? I don't know.

So then why do my differences and quirks line up identically with so many other people, so many other women in particular? If "we are all different and quirky yet still normal", would you really find such a large group of people who finally found an "explanation" for their unique identity being so alike in so many ways? And what about those people who now "don't fit" the full ASD diagnosis, but are still Aspies? Argh. 

Why High Functioning Autism Is So Challenging

Why is it so challenging? In addition to the list of things at that link, I would say that the most difficult thing about having "high functioning" autism is that it isn't high functioning at all. You can have non verbal, physically disabled/unabled people who have vibrant and intellegent minds with little to know problems with executive functioning or whatnot. Yet too you can have verbal, brilliant people who cannot handle a simple change in routine or schedule. To say that those experiences are invalid, or don't exist, or don't allow for a person to be diagnosed Aspie is simply wrong.

The person who ran my Autism testing didn't necessarily believe me either. She said I was "too verbal" and "made eye contact" and I've had other professionals tell me I was "too emotionally accessible".  Until she got to the specific autism parts of the test, and she was like "oh, there it is!". Even she couldn't deny what she saw once she got into the right parts of the test.

The thing is, especially as a female, we study, and we learn what the rules are. Just because we can perform the rules during an appointment doesn't mean that the struggle to do those things isn't there. They also don't see the exhaustion from "being normal" that comes after the appointment.
I mean, isn't the "rule" about talking to a counselor that you share your feelings? So, when I talk to a medical professional, whether a specifically mental health or just general about my feelings, the rule is you talk about them. It doesn't come organically, I have to plan for it, think about it in advance, almost "script" myself as to what I'm going to say. Often times my inner "script" doesn't include the variety of responses the other person gives either, and I suddenly become deaf because I don't know what to expect them to say, so when they say something, it takes me longer to process it.

Does any of that make any sense?

All I'm saying, in the end, is that I think we know ourselves. Many people self diagnose, and I don't think its necessary to tell those people they are wrong. They already know themselves, they've finally found an answer to their ENTIRE LIVES. To tell them that they are wrong is probably harmful. And to those people who aren't really looking, the other issues they struggle with would be easier managed through the correct lens.

Maybe it isn't right to have a label for every different kind of person. Maybe it makes us too much "us" vs "them".
But at the same time, having an identity and community of people who are like you makes you feel much less alone. It helps you make sense of the struggle in your life. It helps you to find a community where you're particular kind of crazy is welcomed and understood, sometimes for the first time in your life.
And that, as I've said often in the past, is 90% of the cure.

And I really need to write a post about how I feel about the label "high functioning". I did touch on that here, but I think that deserves it's own post. :P

Thanks for reading!

Tony Attwood, Autism in Girls

I haven't writing in a while, but today I watched a FABULOUS video.

If you watch it, you can follow my commentary.
Here's the link:
https://player.vimeo.com/video/122940958

He talks about two ways they might play. One is sitting alone and playing and will stop any of their advances to come and play with him, or be the bossy one. I was the bossy one. My oldest son is the bossy one. He is like a director. He knows what role each person involved needs to do to complete his idea of what play is in a situation, and he isn't afraid to tell them. Thankfully, so far, he has a mostly willing couple of siblings and some very kind friends who just back off on their own if its too much.

He talks about girls coping. The study, the watching, the mental note taking. I do all of those things. It takes me a while to warm to an environment, and basically, I will imitate. I've done it for my entire life. Mostly, I've caught myself imitating my dad's way of communicating. Maybe that's the default. But I've copied people I'm with too. It doesn't seem to work to win friends, for some reason.

He talks about having phenomenal factual knowledge. SERIOUSLY. I'm constantly looking up things I'm obsessed with interested in. Constantly. It's an addiction. I HAVE TO LEARN THINGS ABOUT IT. It could be something I'm experiencing. It could be something I came across. I'm wondering now if it always has a personal connection for me, it probably does for me to be interested it must be personally relevant. But the INTENSITY of this interest and addiction to learning about it takes over my entire life at times.

In contrast, perhaps, I wasn't interested in people pleasing. But I would copy and mimic. 

I would get greatly into books. It was probably what I was doing. I can't believe what he says about Hermoine. I only read the first book or two, and that makes TOTAL SENSE. 

"Alternative World" was so true for me. I remember pretending to be and be with some of my favorite movie characters (kids movies). I also have perfect pitch, and hear and pick up accents really easily. I'm aware of it and end up trying to stop myself, even though I actually LOVE it. Unfortunately, for some reason, I cannot unlock the ability to learn other languages well. :P 

I never saw anything wrong with pointing out other people's inconsistencies. :P I do get it as an adult, and I do bite my tongue more often than not. But I cannot help my thoughts and frustrations at how people are messing up :P I'm also not very good at being gracegiving to myself. I hold myself to a high standard, and everyone else, perfectionism is a struggle for me. I think I've come a long way, but it is a default reaction, so it is hard to stop.

I wonder if I had a persona. I was a goody two shoes. I was the teachers pet. I don't remember downloading on my parents. Maybe my sister? I was pretty much a rule follower either place.

I thought people should like me because I was very good.

Special interests were a big thing. And I definitely was interested in things over the years. In another video with Tony Attwood that I have broken down in a previous post (here, here, here and here), for a good portion of my teen years my special interest were my teachers, and especially one or two specific teachers. You can read more of my thoughts on it in the posts linked, but as he said, it wasn't the interest itself, because many girl students like their teachers, but the intensity. And I definitely had intensity.

I also had imaginary friends, not to the point where they had to sit at dinner with me or on the bus with me, but I would pretend I was flying with Peter Pan or Darkwing Duck or that I was Maid Marion in Robin Hood. I also talked to myself in a mirror. Funny. I sang to myself in the mirror. :P Like I was a music video. Ha!

I did write some fiction too... Poetry as well.

I loved drama. We didn't have a class, but we did do plays and I liked that quite a lot! Even though I was nearly terrified of it. But I did have a lead in several things.. 

I was never really someone anyone else wanted me to be... except maybe the people who wanted me to follow the rules and be the "perfect" student or daughter.

I was very interested in psychology! Thought about going into it myself. Turns out, maybe I should have, it would do a great service to people with aspies. ;) 

"I have done such a great job at pretending to be normal that nobody really velieves I have Aspergers." My life story summed up. So many people retort to me "You act so normal! You are so emotionally open!"... so??!

I have that book! Love it. I think everyone should read it to learn the other side of the coin.

It is interesting how many people I can plug into the list he has: Pathways to a Diagnosis for a Teenage Girl. I know many people who have dealt with those different things. The problem is they get a "surface" diagnosis, but never the real thing. Frustratingly, its a misdiagnosis, and they end up still just as lost because it's not a complete explanation. 

Hahaha - He specifically mentions reading about the Titanic. That would be my son. 

Loved adults, they had answer to things, kids my age WERE stupid and boring. Yup. 

Anxiety. Worrying. Have you read my blog? I don't have to comment on that. My sensory? Screaming, loud kids, either having fun or not. Crying babies hurt me to an emotional level, I just want to comfort every single baby ever.

In my coaching that I'd been doing, catastrophizing was on a list. I don't, or didn't think that I had much of a problem with that. But if I think about it in other terms rather than catastrophizing relationships, I tend to catastrophize things in life! When my kids are sick, its "oh no, how sick are they going to be and will it be an emergency? (Along with the accompanied fears of being judged for not vaccinating again, thanks Dr Jerkface). When something seems to be wrong with me, it's not like I jump right to cancer, but I jump to some other health fear. I had anxiety for MONTHS before I went to the doctor and had tests done to determine whether or not I had diabetes. I did not. Interestingly, anxiety and diabetes have similar symptoms. So I wasn't fully invested in that diagnosis either, I kept justifying that it could be other things (which is why I put it off for months).
So of course, in hindsight, now I know I catastrophize greatly, just about different things. What he talks about a special interest in friendships, and the catastrophizing in that when the relationship ends, or if there's just distance in the friendship, they haven't talked to me so they must not like me anymore.

Mutism: I've experienced that.

Doll play: I did play with dolls until I was much older than normal. And I kept them. I have them still. 

I agree with the ideas of boys having more fun. I didn't exclusively hang out with boys, and I didn't dislike girls, but I do remember having a few boy friends that I felt closer to. There was just less drama. I never wanted to be androgenous, but I didn't realize my own development unless it was pointed out to me. One instance it was the whole "I bet you can't touch your elbows behind your back" trick, which I could indeed do, which was met with "WHOAAAs" which at first I thought was impressed that I did it, but realized there was chest involved and became kind of annoyed about it (seeing I still remember it pretty clearly, and the faces of said boys who did it as well).

I never did dispise being a girl, I never had those things.
I did love dresses, but I realized at a certain point that it wasn't acceptable to wear dresses all the time after a certain point. I still had some, but not wearing them all the time. And I always dressed like a girl, and wanted pretty things. But a drastic thing about it was my lack of care for fashion. I just wanted jeans and a tshirt. I'm still that way. I would like pretty clothes, but if I wear anything "stylish", I feel wrong. I have done a few of those "stylist sends you clothes based on your preferences" websites, and I have only ever gotten a couple of things from them. I'm not interested in the fashionable stuff, and I don't feel like paying for their prices either. I was perfectly content as a kid to wear what my mom bought me, my sister wanted silvers and got a job to pay the difference. I was not interested in either clothes, nor working that hard for them. Nope.

The "recover in solitude" is a big thing for me. I literally need alone time. Like, totally alone. I'm not even sure my husband understands that. I end up regularly staying up late at night because that't the only time I am alone. I need it. I don't get enough of it to fill my cup.

Yes! Emotions. Either 0 or 60. And extremely sensitive to emotional atmosphere. I knew when my teachers were upset about things. I just FELT it. I didn't know why, but I always increased my efforts to give them a little treat, a piece of gum, or an "I think you're really special" note or something. Totally insane, probably, but I really felt something wasn't right and I wanted to right it. I'm sure there are other times and ways this happened, but I don't know about all of them. I hid a lot. I wasn't able to right the ship so I just hid and was in my own little world. School was a lot of work, so at home I remember just being in my room listening to music, or playing it, or reading. I have agreed with many perspectives that explain what the one quote about emotions said - that I feel every emotion of the people I'm around, but I don't always know what to do. I want to right the ship, but I don't know how, or don't know how it will be received.

Special interests! Intellectual orgasm! The links to my other blog posts that I linked previous in this post is where I first heard this term, and it was in relation to a person being a special interest. I've written at great lengths about that, so I'll let you go to those if you are interested.

I LOVE the comment about the British accepting aspergers, and BBC, and antiques roadshow! :P Those were all so great!

If you pause the video at 28:20, theres a slide he breezes over because of time on Emotions and the Special interest. It says "My emotional range is quite extreme and somewhat rudimentary. However, when I engage in my special interest on my own, I can access a greater emotional realm and landscape that is wonderful and safe for me, in that context.". I wish he had gone over that more, I would love to hear more about that. What it makes me think of is that engaging in my special interest teacher may have been exactly what I specifically needed to help me engage socially and feel safe at the same time. He was a safe place to be socially engaged, he never hurt me like the other students did, and he treated me well, engaged with me, and there were some times were I felt absolutely protected by him. It was wonderful, and I am glad for all of that.

"When listening I need to watch their mouth..." yes. I always watch peoples mouthes. What looks like I'm making these great contacts, but really I am mouth watching. All that is extremely accurate!! I was also a doodler (if you pause the video at 29:01 the slide there talks about that).

When I was a kid, yes, I was better friends with my teachers and felt I too was a generation ahead, prefering the teachers company to anyone else's. (29:06 slide).

Definitely was bullied.

Definitely didn't want to wear boys clothing, plenty of girls clothing had big pockets, and in the 90s we had those tiny little backpacks... :P I never got fashion. Will never get fashion. Mentioned this before (I knew it was coming, and just got that paragraph out early). Never felt wrong to wear girls clothes, but I didn't want the ones that were "in". I LOVED wearing baggy pants in school. They were in fashion, the JNCOs and whatnot. I didn't have any of those name brands, but I loved pants with bagginess or looseness or wide legs. ;) My parents wouldn't let me go too wild, but I think they appreciated that I actually wanted the more modest dress. I do not know what I would do today, I mean seriously?! Skinny jeans?! What stick person made this fad up? No woman (except Audrey Hepburn) looks good in those pants! If you have hips, we don't need to make them MORE OBVIOUS by making our ankles tiny! I just hate them. Even more, I hate leggings AS pants, I've seen way too many women's private areas. It is not ok.

I feel the same way about makeup as well, don't like it, it makes me itch. I never wear it anymore and the only time I think I would is if I had a photographic event and had a major blemish. Not that I don't have to try, because I always was this way about it. I can go a long ways with just a simple lip gloss (though these days its carmex LOL).
My hair must be wash and go!

I did have the vulnerability. Definitely had times where a guy was interested in me, and I was protected by God above (there's no other explanation for it) because I could have put myself in very vulnerable situations but somehow I was always safe. Again, my special interest teacher was involved here. One time I remember sitting with him outside the laundromat in town. I remember him specifically talking about this kind of thing, how some boys are only out for one thing. I remember feeling so fiercely protected. I have never forgotten him talking to me. It's as if he knew what I didn't, that I was extremely vulnerable and needed to hear that.
It would take me a long time to notice that a guy was interested.

But I wasn't really disinterested in sex, but maybe I was behind? I was always a "sex at marriage" person. So it wasn't on my radar of something to do as a kid... I wasn't disinterested in boys either. But it's an interesting connection.

I wish he hadn't run out of time. the Being a Parent slide looked very interesting!!! I fall into all those categories - tho of course we don't know the story on Liane Holiday Willey. But yes, I am all of those things.

So there's my running commentary on a video of Tony Attwood speaking on Autism and Females. FABULOUS video!!

Nothing About Us, Without Us

One of my favorite groups out there is ASAN (Autistic Self Advocacy Network). The title of this blog post is their slogan, and I think it is a vitally important one, and not just for Autistics.

See, when I was a kid, I was quirky, weird, crazy, and in some ways absolutely out of my mind. Maybe not so much as a little kid, but definitely as a teenager. Hey, those are hard years, multiplied greatly any time you are different than the rest of the kids around you, and have no real explanation as to why you're different.

I didn't relate well to other kids. I had friends almost all the time, but a small group, and in hindsight they were not really good friends. Some actually had the nerve to be my friend, and do terribly torturous things to me at times. I didn't really have a choice.

The most important people when I was a kid was my teachers. In true aspie fashion, I related well with adults, and not so well with kids my age. This makes things complicated, fast, unfortunately.

In my opinion, it's actually pretty sad that a kid and an adult can't be friends without there having to be "more to the story" or something. And because most people think that, they are MORE than willing to put their own spin, judgement, assumptions, and opinions on it. Other kids are just as bad, if not worse. And unfortunately, aspies are typically the kind of people who want to believe you at your word. And, since we tend to be naive, we also will believe what you tell us about certain things, much to our detriment.

We are a society who is squeamish about sex, or romantic relations of any kind. We are greatly uncomfortable with a kid who self pleasures, we balk at curious questions that our tweens might ask as they are growing up and hearing or reading things, and we panic at the thought that our teens might actually be doing things at their age, even though for the most part we do little to nothing to actually stop or properly educate kids to avoid doing these things. We leave them to their own devices (literally, smartphones are the quickest and easiest way to material kids shouldnt be seeing) and we don't think we have to do the work of preventing kids from doing things. We make excuses like "They're going to do it no matter what we say...." instead of even trying.

We make a big deal when a girl and a boy are friends at ages where they aren't even close to knowing or caring what it even means. Saying your 2 year old has a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is not exactly the healthiest thing to say, and will set them up for the confusion that they can't be friends with someone without it HAVING to be romantic. We are putting adult content on simple friendships at ages where they haven't even realized that they will even do those things when they get older, at ages where little girls and boys still want to grow up and marry dad or mom! 

So the minute that an adult thinks from their adult perspective that something they see is a romantic or sexual attraction, we panic and we put labels and our own opinionated judgements on it.

I know I've heard people who were called fat over and over say that the hard part is that once you hear that over and over, you actually start to believe it.

I wouldn't say that is any different with romantic relationships, or, as my topic is heading, "assumed" romantic relationships.

I know I've written before about my "crush" on a teacher in high school, and unfortunately for that guy it was 6 years of madness. The longer I think about things, and examine them in my mind, flashbacks come to me. Seriously, the brain is amazing. I remember talking about him in such and such a way, how his class was exciting and fun or something, and a friend telling me "Oooh you loooooooove him!!" and a "light bulb" went on, and I believed her.

I'm not making this stuff up. And for 6 years to follow, thanks to her, I was repeatedly told, tortured, teased and laughed at for being "teachers pet" (but not enough to give me that in senior superlatives) and "loving" this poor guy. To me he took it very well, and even in senior year, he was merciful enough to tell me I wasn't the first girl to go crazy, there were others with other teachers and everything. I felt he was protective of me, he must have realized how naive I really was and I actually hope he didn't take me too seriously. A counselor once told me he wished it would all just go away, but that didn't make sense in the light of the fact that I could ignore him (most often because some other adult made me feel guilty about the whole thing) and he would still treat me the same way.

Now that I'm an adult, became diagnosed, started following Tony Attwood, and ran across this all important video that I have posted about before, that literally, and I'm not kidding you, LITERALLY changed and rocked my world, right to the core. Starting at minute 5:40 or so, I'll try to write up the words here because they are so critically important, not just for me to explain to you, but for myself as well.

"..We've had a lot of discussion on the difference between special interest friends and intimate friends and how from the outside an NT, looking at a relationship between an aspergian and an NT that could look like as if it's intimate is actually nothing more than a special friendship. One example would be a professor and a student, where the student to some degree looks like he or she is idolizing a professor, but it's a very platonic thing."

T.A. "It is, but those with aspergers might idolize intellect, not physique. In other words, they're not necessarily having a crush, in terms of wanting a sexual relationship, they're admiring the intellect of that person. Another component is the tendencies to assume that people are sexually orientated. Many people with aspergers are what I call asexual, they're not interested in a sexual relationship with someone. They're interested in an intellectual relationship and may be very enthusiastic and for that, but people will project onto that person, that their motives are sexual. 'NO! It's the brain I'm interested in, it's the ideas that I'm interested in, not physical.'"

"That frames up her question nicely. She's wondering how to protect these people that are involved in this non romantic special interest relationship. So it is in her best interest to say 'This is my sister the student, she is not looking at him as a sexual object, she is admiring his intellect."

T.A. "Oh, absolutely. And in aspergers intellect can be one of the most important, if not THE most important, personality characteristics that you admire in people. So it's the intellect I'm interested in, not that person in terms of a sexual relationship. And in fact, the person with aspergers is then horrified, that people would, 'But no! I'm interested in his ideas, I'm interested in what he says because it's so fascinating.' But the degree of passion for the ideas is assumed to be a sensual/sexual passion. But it's an intellectual passion. Now, I don't know whether you're allowed to do this, but I would say it creates an intellectual orgasm. Whether you can actually put this on youtube, or whether, I don't know. But that intellectual orgasm is so enjoyable it's better than an interpersonal orgasm."

"Well, okay, is that something that we try to explain to other NTs?"

T.A. "Yes, because otherwise they'll misinterpret. The person whos the focus of this usually recognizes its not sexual, it's not sensual, because they just sense that it's the mind that's being explored. And other people think 'Oh with that degree of adulation, there must be a hidden agenda, she's doing this so she can appeal to that person to get higher grades, to use a bit of the sort of strategies that could be used to tempt someone', and that's not their intention."

"Why are we as NTs sometimes so disgusting in the conclusions we draw?"

"Because we're looking at ourselves and what we would do in that situation, and realize there can be completely different motives."

That was a lot of work, but so important.

I can see almost every piece of that fits into the situation in which I found myself. I wish someone had had the knowledge in which to explain that to me, to him, back then. I wish someone had had enough of an ability to diagnose me with aspergers! Give me some answers, give me some reasons, give me some explanation for so many things.

But, even though this was above and beyond one of the greatest times of my life, it was, at the same time, one of the most confusing.

He is absolutely brilliant. He knew what he was teaching, he didn't just read it out of some book. And he loved it and made me love it, which is great because now I love Biblical history too! 

I wasn't horrified at the suggestion that it was romantic because I didn't know any better. I believed what I was told, because that's what happens to naive people in school where you honestly sense you aren't as "street smart" as everyone else, so you believe what they are projecting onto you, your friendships/relationships, and your life. And to hear Tony Attwood say "The person who's the focus of this usually recognizes its not sexual, it's not sensual, because they just sense that it's the mind that's being explored." is amazing, because like I said, he never treated me differently, no matter what I was told by other adults, no matter what it seemed like. It's almost like he knew and understood what it was, but didn't really have the words or explanation for it himself, so it must be what everyone is saying... maybe they even projected onto him what it was, because no one had the words, insight, knowledge or sense to see it any other way. Though, parts of me hesitate to assume he thought anything, I'm just thinking of it from my angle both as the student involved and the adult looking back with more wisdom and just plain knowledge than I had back then.

And the only reason I'm bringing this all back up is because it comes up from time to time. I am doing some different things - counseling/life coaching style things - and a phone group discussion I was faced with "other people's projections" as someone who apparently knows me made the comment of how they were "afraid for me" during that time.

Afraid of what, exactly? That's what I would like to know.

And unfortunately, as I think about it and roll it around in my head (because that's what I do with everything in my life), I realize with a sinking feeling in my stomach that every single person who knew, every single person who was around in my life back then, every single person in the school, they all knew, and they all projected onto me their assumptions of what was going on. And further, they talked about me behind my back, whether to him or not, I may never know. And they haven't forgotten, and they still think of me on those terms. They were worried. I don't know if they were worried I'd get hurt, or if they were worried I would embarrass myself, or if they were worried that I would come on to him, or do something inappropriate, I don't know what they were worried about. I was a rule following, card carrying perfectionist, but I would break ranks to come on to a teacher because, in their eyes, I was in love.

And, even if I were in love with him, even when I believed it was true, I followed the rules. I knew what was right and wrong, and I don't think that I would have ever done anything that I would have viewed as crossing the line. I knew and understood there was a line. Others made no mistake to remind me of the line as well, as if they thought they were telling me something I didn't already know.

The problem, maybe, is that what I did do they viewed as crossing some line.

As an aspie, again, I related better with adults. And that made other adults uncomfortable. They just didn't know what they didn't know.

Which brings me to my title: Nothing About Us Without Us. 

It's just good life principle to not make assumptions about other people's intentions, motives, thoughts, words, actions, without first checking with them, and clarifying if necessary ("I hear you saying ______, is that right?)
How much difference would it have made, in both my life back then, and as a whole, if someone had just asked me what my intentions were, what I liked him for? And maybe I wouldn't have had the words to tell them either. But I still feel there would have been a drastic, clear difference between someone who literally wanted to get him into bed with him, and me who just wanted to pick his brain, have deep conversations about things that mattered, and learn from him! It should have been obvious to any logical adult, but I guess they had already made their minds up what it was, and didn't think it was necessary to ask

I think everyone who reads this needs to be aware of this human tendency to make assumptions instead of asking. We need to not talk about people as if they are unable to be a part of the conversation, whether autistic or NT. I don't care if they are nonverbal, we need to stop putting words into the mouths of others, our thoughts into their brains, our motives into their motives. From kids to adults, disability or not, we need to make no judgements on people, and allow everyone the benefit of the doubt. For the most part, I believe that most humans are just trying to do the best they know how. Obviously there are exceptions to that, and that's too bad. But we shouldn't let those exceptions be the rule for all people, especially not people we know, especially not our friends. And even more critical to teach those things to kids, so they don't have to be adults who have to change.

Nothing about ANYONE, without THEM. Let the subject of the rumor have the voice. Don't be afraid to ask people, using discretion to privacy when possible or necessary. Catch yourself when you are starting to make judgements about someone's intentions (yes, I did catch my own judgements above, I don't really have the ability to go back and ask every single one of those people what they think anymore - I'm talking when you do it in your present life, with your current relationships.) And stop others from doing it. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Give people the other side of the coin. Be the one who says "Well, maybe it's not like you say."

You might just change someone's world that way.

Anxiety, My Old Friend, Nice To See You

It has been tough lately again. Mostly, inside. However, as you might expect, what is inside comes outside. Tho, I honestly don't feel as if things on the outside are much different. So I don't know.

I've been plagued with non stop anxiety about this thing or that thing, this means that and that means this. OH NO I'M DYING. Know what I mean? If you don't suffer from anxiety, then you probably don't. 

It has been a little out of control lately and it has to stop.

I just don't know exactly how.

I have gotten over a couple of little things I was freaking out about - thanks to prayer and logic. However, once one thing eases up, another thing pops up.

So now I've got a crazy numb tingle down a leg, and I'm sure it means my bad posture has caught up with me and I'm giving myself back problems. I probably should be seeking out some help with massage or chiropractic. Somehow the thought of setting that up, finding somewhere for the kids to be, leaving them for an hour (the little one mostly), and actually going to things makes me stressed out.

It is actually that I have to do some kind of muscle therapy, strengthening, physical therapy. Only our insurance is in flux right now - we didn't renew because we didn't have enough information to give them for income. Of course.

So many balls in the air and none of them are going to be caught it seems like. I don't know.

I don't really like this. I don't really think it's fun. Go ahead, say all the cliche things. However don't forget that if I could just make it go away, I wouldn't have invited it to come and stay in the first place!
So have patience with me. Give me your tips. Send me your prayers. Thanks.

Overwhelm In Florida

Part of the fun of being an adult diagnosed aspie is looking back at my life, and even remembering specific moments, and being able to explain to myself, or others, why things were a certain way for me, or why I behaved a certain way.

I thought of just one of those times recently, and I couldn't get it out of my head. So I get to put that to words now!

When I was in school, we got to take a band trip to Florida for an All American Music Festival! It was literally a once in a lifetime opportunity. They didn't return to Florida for that again until last year, 15-16 years after we went (or so). We had the band, choir and a smaller group of us in show choir! Basically, for a few years, or one year, they had a required class up against choir in the schedule. So many of us couldn't take choir, so we made up our own choir group that met in the morning before school, and we did show tunes and stuff like that. We sang and did choreography. It was pretty genius, looking back.

Well, when we went, of course it included things like Disneyworld, Epcot, and Animal Kingdom (if I remember right).

I think the moment I am thinking of was after a long day at Disneyworld. Now, it's March, but in Florida. We left Minnesota in snow, and came back to more sticky wet snow (which felt great on sunburns). So it was warm. And you've just stuck an undiagnosed aspie into a VERY busy place. I had a pretty good time, despite being hung out to dry by a friend. She teased me about calling my favorite teacher, really strung me along quite a while, then flipped the switch and started calling me a freak and really spazzing out on me. I ended up in my mom's room (she was a chaperone, luckily) and ended up wandering around with her. But still, as fun as it might have been, and as beautiful and exciting, after a long day doing that, I was pretty much exhausted. I wasn't just tired physically either, I was emotionally exhausted. Top that off with some overstimulation (which none of us would have realized was happening) and you have a pretty unhappy picture!

So, we get to the parking lot and something had happened with the buses, like ours wasn't there or the one there had broke down or something. I don't remember. But I know there was a long long wait for our bus. And because they were bored, they decided we would do some of our songs or something. Which doesn't bother me, until they wanted to do show choir songs and choreography. I DID NOT WANT TO. I don't know how long it went on, but I did NOT want to do it. I tried to tell them I was tired, I didn't feel like it, just do it without me, just leave my place open or whatever in the lines and just do it themselves. But they would NOT leave me alone and finally forced me to do it. I hated the fact that I was ignored and disrespected and it marred my experience. A lot of that came from the fact that no one understood my needs or why I felt that way. 

Looking back now, I know I was just overwhelmed, and forcing someone to cooperate or socialize, who's spent all day in a loud, noisy, sunny, hot walkabout isn't really a good idea.

I still to this day do not know what their problem was with just doing it without me. There is no reason that they had to force me to do it. I really don't. They could have done it without me while I continued to recover from the day. Then oddly so many people called it a highlight. Really? A highlight, but at my expense. Thanks.

I see my son all the time becoming uncooperative and overwhelmed and not wanting to participate. There are many times when it is unavoidable and he has to continue the course. But when there are situations when we can avoid it, we put him somewhere where he can be alone and get over it himself. That is very effective, actually.
Had they just left me alone, they wouldn't have aggravated me more than I already was, and I might have joined in when I was ready all on my own without their forceful coercion. That would have made the experience much happier, and comfortable, and memorable.

Which leads into just a general comment on respect. 

We as humans need to start paying attention to our own actions. We need to accept that people can only give what they give, do what they do, offer what they offer, whatever. We often have expectations of people that are not always fair. We can't expect everyone to be the same. Worse is when you have to realize that you can't expect everyone to be the same kind of person you are. I've lost friends over this. When you expect people will drive the same mile for you that you do for them, you will eventually be disappointed. And with some people, you will be disappointed OFTEN. 

We need to give people their autonomy. We need to be able to ask them to participate, and not force them. We need to accept a "no" for an answer, and let them join in when they are ready. Having an argument and forcing them will only lead to scars. I know it did for me. I don't lose sleep at night, but I can still hear their critical voices basically telling me I was stupid for trying to stand up for my own needs to recover. Their voices still ring in my head as clear as if it were yesterday.

Some people will remember things like that too. They will remember the scars you left behind, but not so much any good you did.

And again, teenagers have brain damage, and don't act rationally. :P 

Yes, More. Friendships SUCK

Have I mentioned yet that I have huge trouble with friendships?

First of all, meeting people and making friends. Pretty much impossible without some kind of outside intervention. I don't seek out social opportunity. And usually I try to avoid talking to people when I am out. It usually takes them being completely outgoing and unconcerned that I try to not talk to them. And I suppose most of the time that is why us introverts get called things like "snobby" or "stuck up". Trust me, that is the farthest thing from what we are. All those terms do is shove us back into hiding, and reaffirm our fears that people suck.

I am an all in or nothing kind of person. If I want to be your friend, I'll want to dive in headfirst. I'll want to invite you to things, talk to you about anything, tell you my life's story pretty much.

And again, I think that makes people think im "pushy" or "nosy"... so I've gotten to the point where if you don't offer up the information, I probably am not going to ask. Or, I'll have to spend crazy amounts of time convincing myself that it's okay to ask something. Then I'll probably chicken out a million times, and end up asking you over social media. Because #introvertsrollthatway

Then there's distance.
And even when there isn't distance, there's busy-ness. Being too busy. 

Then there's the lack of return communication. That could mean either they don't respond to me in a conversational way (like, they answer questions so briefly that I feel embarassed I asked them anything), or they see the message AND DON'T RESPOND AT ALL! CURSE YOU SOCIAL MEDIA FOR LETTING US KNOW WHEN PEOPLE VIEWED THINGS!!

That is the worst. I mean, you KNOW that social media shows me you saw it. And you don't respond?

There are rare occasions when I would not respond after reading something, and one of those is when I'm having a bit of a rough time with someone. I have learned, the HARD WAY, to step back a couple of days when having an issue with someone. I get it, I hate it too when someone doesn't respond when they viewed my message.

And don't get me started about not returning text messages, ever. (BROTHER!!!)

But the thing is, friendships suck. I can't stand it. There are all these unspoken rules, there are all these expectations, and I get let down all the time. I think someone is my friend, then they seem like they are completely ignoring me! I can't figure it out! Then they act like they're my bestie for like 5 minutes, and then again we're back to the doubt and the inactivity and the ignoring, or something. 

Seriously.

I don't consider myself a high maintenance person. I don't expect people to hang around me all the time or something.
But a little interaction couldn't hurt, right? 

I think part of friendships is to make each other feel good, right? And there's the not so good parts where they help you grow.
But the ignoring? The half answers?

I feel like I can trust someone, then they just leave me hanging? I mean, I come to you for help, or advice, or something and you just give me nothing, or you give me barely something?

I end up feeling like they hate me. Like I'm just an annoyance taking up their precious time. 

I guess in another post tonight I touched on the fact that I shouldn't expect people to act like I would act in a situation.
But what if I can't help it?
What if I prefer to think people would take the time, and they don't, and I still end up hurt?

I feel like I bond with someone, and they don't agree. Like, unrequited love or something, only this is unrequited friendship.

It is very frustrating and heartbreaking. 

I'm really tired of it.

Processing Speed, Decision Making, Changing Your Mind Pt2

So, where I really intended to go was to the point of decision making.

We all make decisions every day. Won't dwell on that more than I have to. Sometimes, in some phases of life, decisions are harder to make. Side note: I've been having a really hard time making decisions lately. I think my brain is all used up with raising a family. And for now, that's okay. So if I forget you, or something important, just remind me. Sometimes I will take longer to decide on whether or not to do something, or what to do in general. I'm working on it. :P 

But what I really wanted to get at is this..
When you make a decision, be confident in it! 

Don't worry about what your friends are going to say, or your family, or your doctor, your neighbors, or the stranger on the street.

It shouldn't matter.

Obviously, you have a spouse, then there's two of you and it might be harder to come to decisions on some things, but you still have to have a united front.

But to anyone else outside of your spouse, it should not matter what anyone thinks of your decisions.

Just. Make. The. Decision.

Once you make it, it's done. Right? Isn't that the way it is with everyone else? Maybe it's just me?

Like I said in my last post, when  I was diagnosed she said because of my SUPERHIGH processing speed, I tend to make decisions and I make them FIRM as concrete. It's gonna take some really hard info to make me change my mind about something.

And, for the most part, I can't think of a time when I (we) chose something and it ruffled my feathers when someone else thought the opposite of my (our) personal decisions.

I'm not the only one, this I know. 

The thing that drives me crazy is people who can't seem to get that confidence I think they should have over their own decisions. They get mad at me, tell me that their decisions are theirs to make, whatever. But they are not confident in their own decisions. I mean, if they were, wouldn't they not be bothered no matter who was telling them something the contrary?

I guess we are all probably guilty of the same thing: thinking that others tick like we do. I do see how many different ways I think others should be like me. Wow, that sounds like a terrible statement. Who am I to think I'm so special as to think anyone else should be like me?
Logically, though, if you make your own decisions, should it really matter what anyone else says? I guess maybe it's just me who thinks that.

Processing Speed, Decision Making, Changing Your Mind Pt1

I was told when I tested that because my processing speed is so high, that I tend to make firm decisions very quickly. And when I make those decisions, because I make them so firmly, I am unlikely to change my mind.

Usually, I make decisions based on a lot of research and a lot of logic. I don't just make careless decisions. I can't tell you the exact process of how I may change any of those decisions. I know it isn't going to be because someone argued with me about it.

Which is a point all in and of itself. No one is going to change their mind because you argued with them about it. Which makes things a bit more complicated than you would think at first. First of all, usually someone tells someone else off because they are trying to get someone's attention to their thinking or whatever being wrong. You see this in movies all the time, where one character finally tells off another character for whatever flaw they have. 

This doesn't work in real life, not really anyway.

The thing to consider is online communication, and new friendships.

The thing is, what's missing from online communication is tone.

People often say that people with autism don't notice or understand tone, that we have a lack of change in tone, we speak rather dryly. I don't think this is the case, not really. We might have a different way of speaking, but at least for me, I am very sensitive to tone. Just like with empathy. It's just that I don't know what to do about it.

I can hear a tone in someone's voice, or hear something in their face (yes, hear their face), they are trying to hide it, but I end up feeling VERY uncomfortable. I can just tell something isn't right. And since they aren't opening up and sharing it, I feel very awkward. I don't know what to say, do or how to act because they aren't letting me know whats wrong or how they need me to act. 

Online, there's no tone, just words.

Even if you know someone well, and especially if you don't, you will not be able to hear their tone. You will not be able to feel for whether or not they have good intentions in what they say. 

The problem is, apparently, humans are really really good at picking negative tone, and we can apply that tone to just about anything anyone says, and make it feel negative. Then we can go on and on about how hurt we are, or how we feel pushed, bossed, rejected, put down, ignored, or not heard. The list goes on and on too. We can quickly and easily put all kinds of meaning and inflection on someone's online words. Then, we think we have a reason to go on the defensive, and tell them off for "hurting our feelings" or something.

What ever happened to thinking the best of someone? What ever happened to the thinking that a friend is just that; a friend, and someone who is just looking to help you, not enter into a verbal fistfight? Why don't we assume to the good, not to the negative? 

I'm just as guilty as anyone else of making wrong assumptions. I have a very wise 6th grade teacher that had something to say about assumptions; that they make an a$$ out of you and me. Pretty clever, I guess. 

We really need to stop putting words in people's mouths. We need to stop assuming based on one line here and one line there that we know their intentions. We need to stop assuming we know their thinking, their opinions, their life, their hearts, their relationship with Jesus, their family values, or the meaning of their words, based on the little we see. It isn't fair to your friends to assume that their intentions are to hurt you. It isn't fair to YOU to make those assumptions either. There is no reason to get all upset, get your body physically worked up, and risking ruining or scarring a friendship over something you assumed about someone else or their words. 

It just isn't fair. Life's too short. Life is hard and we could use all the opportunity for friendships we can get. Especially when you have aspergers. I can't count the number of times I didn't realize what I had with a friend. Sometimes it takes years for me to realize how good a friend I have with someone. Sometimes what I think is just a causual friendship is actually something more to them, and I just didn't realize it. I wish and pray for a deep best friend, and then I realize I have one. At least, for a time. Getting upset over something isn't worth it, especially when you're assumption is faulty.

And, to be honest, we need to really watch it when we do the same to our Bible's. We need to stop assuming we know everything, first of all. There is always something new to learn. No one is all knowing except God, and He can and will keep teaching you something about His word every time you read it.
But more than that, we need to watch out that we aren't taking a line here or a line there and putting our own spin on it. We need to be sure we aren't making assumptions about things God does based on what WE think of something. 

We need to be more careful. We need to be more kind. We need to constantly pursue thoughts, feelings and interpretations of others that are higher than they deserve. Think the best of others. Think of how much they must love you to have picked you for a friend. Whether it's a friendship of decades, or days, they saw something in you that they wanted to be a friend. Even if love isn't the right word, you have to think they don't mean to hurt you. Even if they do, who wins? You do, because you are taking the high road, feeling good about yourself and your choices, and you aren't sitting around wallowing in self pity and self doubt! 

This post when in a completely different direction than I intended. I guess maybe I make two posts tonight! :P 

Thanks for listening.

Off The Charts

I'm not a researcher, but I tend to make judgements based on things I do know or experience. I make decisions about things based on my experience or knowledge too. I mean, I think we all do, don't we?

Anyway, moving on....

Boy had his testing last night. He's supposedly entering the 3rd grade. The curriculum we're using is 3-4. His testing is practically off the charts. lowest grade level is in math; 4th grade. That is something that is specific, and taught in order, so he's basically learned it as we've taught it. He understands higher principles, but we have no worked on them so he hasn't been able to make it "click" yet. Highest score was spelling and reading at a 8th grade level.

I was one of those kids too when I was in school. I started reading about the same time as my kid did (3 years old) and went into school already knowing what they were teaching (at the time). So I was "bored", but ended up finding my "calling" of sorts, being teacher's pet (a title they tortured me with for years then refused to recognize me as it senior year in the yearbook superlatives or whatever...). I graded papers for teachers for years, for so long, actually, that I forget when that actually ended. Probably high school or jr high when they just didn't do that anymore, or it was part of the class work to switch papers and correct them.... I dunno. In high school I practically lived in the band room, it was my escape, my hiding place, my home. Not often to practice music either because I was far exceeding what we were doing in there too. The music wasn't that hard, really, and we didn't actually get blessed with learning anything because the other kids wouldn't listen. :(

Anyway, my thinking is this. If I had sent this boy to school, I can bet you that he would not act the way I did. I'm betting he would start goofing off and getting into trouble. His boredom would lead to troublemaking. His troublemaking would lead to him having repeated negative interactions with staff, which would eventually lead to what he already has a problem with; feeling bad about himself and being an angry kid (sometimes he does feel this way because his perfectionism is as deep as mine....). Pair that with the "Lord of the Flies" hierarchy of high school, and you've got yourself a major problem. 

Is this a typical thing for advanced girls vs boys? The boys would end up being bored and getting into trouble and the girls would try to be "teachers" too? Or find some other acceptable escape?

All I can say is I am very grateful for homeschooling. We can blast threw some things or skip some things that he's advanced at, and just edit for what he needs. So far, I haven't been good at doing this. But I can finally say, after two years of this homeschool thing under my belt, I'm finally flexible enough to edit. :P

So what I was getting at in the beginning of this post was this is a form of personal research. ;) :P Let me know! Were you ahead? Behind? Average? What are your experiences? What have you read?

Off The Charts

I'm not a researcher, but I tend to make judgements based on things I do know or experience. I make decisions about things based on my experience or knowledge too. I mean, I think we all do, don't we?

Anyway, moving on....

Boy had his testing last night. He's supposedly entering the 3rd grade. The curriculum we're using is 3-4. His testing is practically off the charts. lowest grade level is in math; 4th grade. That is something that is specific, and taught in order, so he's basically learned it as we've taught it. He understands higher principles, but we have no worked on them so he hasn't been able to make it "click" yet. Highest score was spelling and reading at a 8th grade level.

I was one of those kids too when I was in school. I started reading about the same time as my kid did (3 years old) and went into school already knowing what they were teaching (at the time). So I was "bored", but ended up finding my "calling" of sorts, being teacher's pet (a title they tortured me with for years then refused to recognize me as it senior year in the yearbook superlatives or whatever...). I graded papers for teachers for years, for so long, actually, that I forget when that actually ended. Probably high school or jr high when they just didn't do that anymore, or it was part of the class work to switch papers and correct them.... I dunno. In high school I practically lived in the band room, it was my escape, my hiding place, my home. Not often to practice music either because I was far exceeding what we were doing in there too. The music wasn't that hard, really, and we didn't actually get blessed with learning anything because the other kids wouldn't listen. :(

Anyway, my thinking is this. If I had sent this boy to school, I can bet you that he would not act the way I did. I'm betting he would start goofing off and getting into trouble. His boredom would lead to troublemaking. His troublemaking would lead to him having repeated negative interactions with staff, which would eventually lead to what he already has a problem with; feeling bad about himself and being an angry kid (sometimes he does feel this way because his perfectionism is as deep as mine....). Pair that with the "Lord of the Flies" hierarchy of high school, and you've got yourself a major problem. 

Is this a typical thing for advanced girls vs boys? The boys would end up being bored and getting into trouble and the girls would try to be "teachers" too? Or find some other acceptable escape?

All I can say is I am very grateful for homeschooling. We can blast threw some things or skip some things that he's advanced at, and just edit for what he needs. So far, I haven't been good at doing this. But I can finally say, after two years of this homeschool thing under my belt, I'm finally flexible enough to edit. :P

So what I was getting at in the beginning of this post was this is a form of personal research. ;) :P Let me know! Were you ahead? Behind? Average? What are your experiences? What have you read?

Off The Charts

I'm not a researcher, but I tend to make judgements based on things I do know or experience. I make decisions about things based on my experience or knowledge too. I mean, I think we all do, don't we?

Anyway, moving on....

Boy had his testing last night. He's supposedly entering the 3rd grade. The curriculum we're using is 3-4. His testing is practically off the charts. lowest grade level is in math; 4th grade. That is something that is specific, and taught in order, so he's basically learned it as we've taught it. He understands higher principles, but we have no worked on them so he hasn't been able to make it "click" yet. Highest score was spelling and reading at a 8th grade level.

I was one of those kids too when I was in school. I started reading about the same time as my kid did (3 years old) and went into school already knowing what they were teaching (at the time). So I was "bored", but ended up finding my "calling" of sorts, being teacher's pet (a title they tortured me with for years then refused to recognize me as it senior year in the yearbook superlatives or whatever...). I graded papers for teachers for years, for so long, actually, that I forget when that actually ended. Probably high school or jr high when they just didn't do that anymore, or it was part of the class work to switch papers and correct them.... I dunno. In high school I practically lived in the band room, it was my escape, my hiding place, my home. Not often to practice music either because I was far exceeding what we were doing in there too. The music wasn't that hard, really, and we didn't actually get blessed with learning anything because the other kids wouldn't listen. :(

Anyway, my thinking is this. If I had sent this boy to school, I can bet you that he would not act the way I did. I'm betting he would start goofing off and getting into trouble. His boredom would lead to troublemaking. His troublemaking would lead to him having repeated negative interactions with staff, which would eventually lead to what he already has a problem with; feeling bad about himself and being an angry kid (sometimes he does feel this way because his perfectionism is as deep as mine....). Pair that with the "Lord of the Flies" hierarchy of high school, and you've got yourself a major problem. 

Is this a typical thing for advanced girls vs boys? The boys would end up being bored and getting into trouble and the girls would try to be "teachers" too? Or find some other acceptable escape?

All I can say is I am very grateful for homeschooling. We can blast threw some things or skip some things that he's advanced at, and just edit for what he needs. So far, I haven't been good at doing this. But I can finally say, after two years of this homeschool thing under my belt, I'm finally flexible enough to edit. :P

So what I was getting at in the beginning of this post was this is a form of personal research. ;) :P Let me know! Were you ahead? Behind? Average? What are your experiences? What have you read?

Power Outage!!!

Well. It happened. It was bound to happen at least once in my life right? At least it happened in the summer and not the -60 degree winter. Right?

We had a hot day. One. Storms fired up in North Dakota and blasted over through Minnesota overnight. I saw the radar, knew it was coming, but was not really prepared for how it ended up!

Just after 1 am, loudness woke me up. The hubby got up and wondered if our oldest had his noise cancelling headphones, and went to check. He wasn't awake yet, but he did. All I could hear was wind and big raindrops blasting. The lightning was near constant, but the thunder wasn't overly loud. I checked the radars and alerts on my phone and there was, for a change, a severe thunderstorm warning coming right at us. This never happens, and a part of me was very excited! But, since it was 1 am, I was too tired, and there isn't really much to see at 1 am in the dark. 

About 2 minutes after the storm arrived, it all went dark. And that was it. Power outage!

It happens now and then with a real good storm, and it usually resolves shortly. Since it was the middle of the night, I figured it wouldn't be resolved until morning anyway. When the lights went out, the oldest did freak out. So he had to come in my room. Hubby got the LED lanterns and we all went back to bed. 

In the morning, still no power. We got up and did the best we could to just quick get our milk and eat breakfast and move on with the day, keeping the fridge and freezer shut. The power could come back on at any time, you know. We just managed. 

As the day went on, I was watching facebook and whatnot on my phone, it became clear that power would likely NOT be turning on soon. The neighbor informed me of a tree on the power line (it goes down their driveway and then comes down to our house), and knowing the order of priorities we would be last on the list because its an individual line. STILL, no one expected four days later would be when we finally got our power back!

By evening on day one we realized that we weren't getting our power back, and food needed to be moved. Luckily, it was still mostly frozen but to make the process easier we only moved the important most sensitive foods (meats, cheese, dairy etc). I figured that it couldn't be too much longer, and if we just locked up the freezer, the bagged veggies would be fine. Day one is the hottest day of the year (so far), and muggy.

Day two, still no power in sight and no repair team even assigned to our area. Numbers between our power company and the one that is mainly in the major cities/towns was up around 80,000 people without power. News stations are doing an awful lot of reporting over facebook live, which is cool! What an invention! One station was knocked completely out, their satellites were stood up instead of pointing in the proper directions, and something up the hill from them (in Duluth) was also knocked out of power. 

We did our best. We got dry ice once, and bagged ice. I wish I had gotten a ton more dry ice because by day 2, the dry ice everywhere was sold out. Day three the neighbor said Duluth was sold out as well. It's a dry ice shortage! (BTW: if you want to keep things cold and frozen, dry ice is the way to go). 

We hung out mostly at my in laws. They never lost power, and had it the whole time. So we showered there, ate there, just kinda hung out. 

We got our power back yesterday afternoon. 

Being an aspie and having a power outage is pretty stressful. Our house felt unwelcoming and I was scared to do anything for fear I would forget that I needed power to do it and would be stuck not doing it. AND it was blasted hot in our house, so many windows that its like a greenhouse. Doing the "open all night, shut before it gets hot" trick doesn't work here because of the windows, so it was just easier to leave the windows open. The cats survived. Hubby borrowed a generator on day 4, and that was kinda nice to get the freezer going.

Now I'm having to make the decision of whether or not to throw out the veggies that thawed. Even tho we had dry ice, and regular ice, and they went into the cooler on day 3 instead of the freezer... I'm unsure. I guess they are probably not any good, or fall under the rule of "when in doubt, throw it out"... But we aren't necessarily doing well right now so the thought of throwing out vegetables really gets to me. Not to mention the fresh picked rhubarb!! I should have thought faster on that one and cooked something with it right away when the power went out.

Which brings me to my point: Survival. My brain was only on survival. It wasn't on being creative, it wasn't on thinking of what I could do to cook things that were thawing. It was on survival and maybe even avoidance of the problem of not having power. It took me three days to start thinking creatively about things and by then I felt unsure it would be safe anymore.

So now I will have to throw things out. I'm a little frustrated about it I guess, but I'd rather no one puked around here. 

I get things started up, had to pay some bills online, and what else? The internet is also out. Waiting currently for the repair guy to show up. I sure hope it's a quick easy fix. :P Using my cell to do internet today. 

Having an aspie KID while all this is going on? He seemed to do okay, but refused to sleep alone in his room without power. Again, it made the house seem unfriendly and unwelcoming. Nights were so miserably sweaty I couldn't believe it, and I hate nothing more than feeling sticky, sweaty and yucky hot. Sitting and doing the bedtime stuff was sweating so hard I couldn't believe it. But it was interesting.

Hubby said it was like camping in your own house.
Except camping is fun, you get to go somewhere else, NOT go to work, and you get to sightsee. That's kinda the point of camping. Of course, none of that was going on, it was life as usual, just without power at home. 

Aspie's dont like change. Even little changes. I did okay, until someone else started losing their minds over it and then I had very little patience. Yes, we all want the power back on. I'm sure the power company employees live in the area too and want their own power back on as much as anyone else, but there's a process they go through, and it takes time when you have thousands of miles of line and thousands of customers out, and thousands of trees on the lines. But we still don't like change. I think I am surprised by how I was able to bear it anyway. But, we still had someplace to go that had power. If we hadn't, I'm not sure how I would have felt. Pretty helpless as things rotted away, I'm sure.

It was a mess. I have only seen the tip of it because I haven't really been anywhere. We lost a few trees, but not the ugly crooked one or the dead one that have bothered me since we had some logged a while back LOL. Of course. But nothing hit any of our buildings and I don't think anything hurt the neighbors either. So we were lucky. We could be dealing with a hole in the roof and trying to work with insurance to fix it and stuff. Who knows. 

It's just not the same without power.

Things you take for granted?
Cold refrigerator/freezer

Running water/flushing toilets

Night Lights

Electricity in general.

It's been surreal. 

Holes In My Memory

I am the kind of person who remembers everything. I wouldn't say I have a very good short term memory at the moment, because keeping three kids alive is taking up much space these days. But typically I can remember really random events that come up sometimes and I can recall things you may not have remembered saying or doing. And I'm not going to make things up, I really remember things clearly, and I'm not going to lie and say otherwise.

But more and more I've discovered that there are giant holes in my memory. There are entire events that I don't even remember at all. And strangely enough, many of those memories that I'm realizing I don't have stored in the database are memories of Girl Scout events. 

I have been wondering for a long time now why so many of these events aren't in my memory anymore. I mean, there are pictures of them, so clearly they happened. But why don't I remember them?

I remember one big sleepover at Camp Austen. I remember one day camp we did where I was in charge of the little kids and all of a sudden my grandpa showed up saying he was told to come get me, and another girl was all of a sudden in charge of the little ones. I remember several mall sleepovers, maybe mostly because they were right on or around my birthday; in fact my 16th birthday was celebrated in a mall overnight with like 300 other girls, by FAR the biggest birthday party I ever had (don't crush my story, I need this one - without the mall sleepover I wouldn't have even had a party). 

But there are giant things we supposedly did that I have no clue. My mom and I were kinda mentioning one the other day that was apparently in the boundary waters somewhere - not far out because it wasn't a "trip canoeing" or something, but some kind of other stay somewhere maybe by ely, from what I'm gathering. While I remember making lavender "sachets" (which I literally still had and still smelled the same/just fine up until a year or two ago), I don't remember much else. We supposedly did facials, which I don't quite remember. I remember a room all painted in white, but I don't remember what we did in there or where it was or how to get there or anything else. I don't remember what we ate (I probably didn't like it) or what else we did. I don't remember if it was an overnight stay or just a day. I really have no clue. I guess based on the pictures I might have thought it was a part of Camp Austen. 

I also remember one other event at the bog walk, but only because there was a cute boy involved.

I don't remember so many things. I feel like there was more, a lot more. I know we did more than one day camp, but I couldn't tell you where or what. I know we had meetings, and I would guess at least once a month, and you would think that I could remember something I had to have done like 60 months at least...

Girl Scouts isn't the only thing I have huge memory holes about, senior year there are a lot of things I completely don't remember. From what I'm told, 2001 was the last huge year of mass army worm invasion. You would think I would be able to remember massive amounts of army worms on every surface of everything everywhere, and slimy roads and stinky worms. You would think that would be something a girl couldn't forget. But I did. I don't remember them at all. I give myself the excuse that the emotions of graduating and leaving were pretty intense and my brain was preoccupied with all that too much to think about and register worms and leafless trees. You would think that driving to Togo, instead of to a friend's grad party, would have made the army worm invasion pretty obvious, right? Musta been listening to some pretty awesome music to be distracted enough to miss that, right? 

 I know there are times in life, too, when I don't really care about something so I will literally not pay attention to it. Like the above story, I probably did "know" where my friend lived, I'm sure he had told me, or something, but I didn't plan on ever having to go there, especially not on my own, so I didn't "care" or something and I didn't pay attention all those years and just missed that information totally. 

I also can remember three houses where my uncle used to live, but I can't remember houses where another aunt had lived. 

So, yeah, I don't know why there are some really intense memory lapses, almost like a chapter was ripped out of the book of my life. Like, where is my baby blanket? You would think I would be able to remember something as important to me as that, right? But somewhere in all the business of getting married, it's gone. Despite having my doll, no problem, right where I thought they both were.

Nothing drives me crazier than losing something. Nothing drives me crazier than forgetting something either, which is kinda the same thing. 

Any other aspies have the same problems?