Checking In, Anxiety Lessened

I just hopped over to my blog to post it somewhere, and I was reminded that the last post I was talking about the horrible anxiety.

THANKFULLY, the anxiety has lessened. I don't know when or how, exactly, but it did seem to go down a bit when I did two things:
1. Gave myself a rule that I wasn't going to look at one certain thing that was giving my anxiety.

2. Signed up for not one, but two, different counseling things.

I've already had a couple of sessions with the one - it's over the phone. This lady is fabulous. I've already discovered a couple of things about myself that I didn't realize, so I'm making progress. Maybe this time we can actually figure out solutions (or replacements) for my worrisome anxieties and help me to get better, not just to get to ground level and just wait around for the next depression to drown me. 

I like that a lot. I still worry, right now. I still wonder. I had a quick doctor's appt, which basically did nothing to help since she didn't actually do any testing. But I have a complete physical the end of the month, so maybe I will feel better then.

But I have work to do. I don't like work. But it's something I'll have to do because I want to be better, not keep falling down all the time.

So that's just a quick catch up.

Word to the wise: Don't try to go it alone. Don't try to tell yourself, like I have, that you will feel better and it's ok. Get help. Don't live like this. You don't deserve to feel this way. You don't have to feel this way for a day longer. Just get help. Don't worry about the money, you're losing money dealing with this depression, or anxiety, or whatever. Just get help. 

I Am SOOOOO Done With Anxiety

I don't know why. I don't know what. All I know is that for several months now I have been hit hard with some awful, terrible, no good, very bad, overwhelming, life altering, drop dead anxiety, and no matter what I do so far, I can't kick it.

I could take a walk (or two) every day.
I could eat better (but I do eat rather okay mostly I think).
I could pray and read the Bible more.
I could listen to better music.
I could watch less TV.
I could use screens less.
I could exercise.

But you know what? I really can't. It's almost as if you know the cure is just a foot away, and you can't take one step to get there. You're paralyzed. 

All the info out there telling people what they should do, how they can cure, recover, heal, whatever. All of it means nothing when you literally feel so overwhelmed you just want to sit on the couch all day watching movies (or letting the kids watch movies) and play nonsense on your phone.

We haven't had insurance either, so I haven't been able to just go see my doctor. Applying for insurance while self employed is no easy thing. They have these nice little "assistants" to help you apply, but when I went to see her, she wouldn't even look at what I had, I had to have calculated some perfect and pretty little number for her before I came. And that's the PROBLEM - I don't know how. I had to have some serious back and forth with our accountant to figure it out and I still honestly do not know if its going to be okay. I submitted it, finally, after two months since having it restarted (not counting the 6 months of not knowing what to do, figuring we could use our tax return, finding out we had to cancel the kids in order to reapply for all of us, finding out we couldn't use last years tax return at all...). That is finally not hanging over my head anymore.

But they will come back and ask for proofs, I'm sure. Then I'll have to send them our handwritten documentation (because that's just how we are doing it at this point) and they will probably not have a clue what they are doing and will make it a huge mess. So, I may have submitted the forms, but I still can't see my doctor because it isn't finalized yet. B lost his insurance too so they won't even send his lady until thats sorted out too. I figured they would just wait for reapplying and back pay, but I guess not. So that's a major bummer as well.

Then it rains this dreary, cold rain for like 2 days and I feel so terrible!

Its just over a week until we leave on our big trip.

It makes me wonder if this big trip is what's causing me so much anxiety! I mean, it is a bit daunting, thinking of traveling so far (for the first time as a family), into the mountains a bit (which can be both scary roads and height sickness - tho I hope the little mountains will be ok), with three kids, one of which is a suspicious toddler.. but I thought I was excited about it! I have it all "under control" - I have started my list writing so I don't forget anything I think I need, but I still feel stressed out about getting it all packed. You can't really pack your clothes and not wear clothes all week. 

And hubby ends up not working, after only 3 days of good hauling again, because they have to move to a new job now. Seriously, I'm not prepared for that. We are still learning what it is like, what it is going to look like, working for ourselves. The money is better but there are other responsibilities too, plus waiting around if its "too wet to work", which is what it's been like pretty much all spring.

I just have so many fears, and as a Christian we are told that we are not to fear, that we are to give them to God.
Why do I find that so much easier said than done?
Why do I just pray and pray in my mind and in the night that God would just take this all from me, that I would be able to wake and live in peace like I had been before this all started, only to find it constantly crippling me?

I've been working on my perfectionism - listening to a great podcast about it. I'm learning quite a lot, and I feel like I can let go of some of that perfectionism, and especially since having #3, I have come a long way.

But I think the devil knows that I'm trying to break free, and so in response he is trying to drag me down even deeper into his horrible, depressive pit.

I think it seems to work around my cycle too, proving that it's probably related to my hormones again. They could suppliment my hormones, but if they do that my milk would dry up, and I feel like if there is one thing I'm doing well in my life, one thing that's going well, one thing that's making me feel like I'm succeeding at something, anything. 

I just want to be past this portion of life. I want to be over it. I guess no, I don't want to go back to the more superficial life, but I want to not get so overwhelmed. I want to be less tired all the time. I want to feel like going outside and doing things. I want to be happier, and healthier. I want to be able to have the strength, motivation and energy to do the things that will make me happier and healthier.

I don't know. I just know that I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I'm trapped about how to get out of it. Right now, as I said, insurance is keeping me from seeing my doctor and getting physically (and hormonally) checked out. So now I feel tied down to someone else's ability to act on things so I can act on my end. :( 

I'll get through this, I always do. God always brings me healing after depressive episodes. In the meantime though, I'm left to suffer through it minute by minute some days.

Secondary Disturbance

So, I recently heard about this thing called 'secondary disturbance', and it was something I had never considered. How many times, I wonder, have I been anxious about being anxious?

When I was in school, I would regularly get a sick and icky feeling quite often, but even more often when it was winter, or dark and cloudy, or something sad/bad/frustrating was going on. It was a feeling as if the world was all in grey. My stomach would just ache and feel horrible, and all kinds of other random things.

On the rare occassion that I would feel okay, I wonder how many times I psyched myself into being sick again just by worrying about whether or not I was going to feel sick again. 

Anyone else have a similar experience?

I think I'm doing it to myself lately, since I have frequently not been feeling well. I think I may have been a bit anemic, and switching up a vitamin I seem to be feeling mostly better. But I am still occassionally having a stomachache that I think fits this description of 'secondary disturbance' better. I may just be worried that I might feel sick again, and feeling sick makes me feel panicky that something else is wrong, and I'm literally making myself sick worrying about feeling sick and worrying that being sick means something is seriously wrong with me!

Anyway, short post today, but I had to get that off my chest.

Anxiety, My Old Friend, Nice To See You

It has been tough lately again. Mostly, inside. However, as you might expect, what is inside comes outside. Tho, I honestly don't feel as if things on the outside are much different. So I don't know.

I've been plagued with non stop anxiety about this thing or that thing, this means that and that means this. OH NO I'M DYING. Know what I mean? If you don't suffer from anxiety, then you probably don't. 

It has been a little out of control lately and it has to stop.

I just don't know exactly how.

I have gotten over a couple of little things I was freaking out about - thanks to prayer and logic. However, once one thing eases up, another thing pops up.

So now I've got a crazy numb tingle down a leg, and I'm sure it means my bad posture has caught up with me and I'm giving myself back problems. I probably should be seeking out some help with massage or chiropractic. Somehow the thought of setting that up, finding somewhere for the kids to be, leaving them for an hour (the little one mostly), and actually going to things makes me stressed out.

It is actually that I have to do some kind of muscle therapy, strengthening, physical therapy. Only our insurance is in flux right now - we didn't renew because we didn't have enough information to give them for income. Of course.

So many balls in the air and none of them are going to be caught it seems like. I don't know.

I don't really like this. I don't really think it's fun. Go ahead, say all the cliche things. However don't forget that if I could just make it go away, I wouldn't have invited it to come and stay in the first place!
So have patience with me. Give me your tips. Send me your prayers. Thanks.

It's All On You - When & How The Medical Approach Doesn't Work

I don't know why I am still surprised when people, especially those in the medical related field, don't understand autism. For some reason I keep thinking with all the people out there talking about it now, that the medical community would actually be listening and making note of the things being said BY AUTISTICS. Unfortunately, it seems as if none of this is actually happening. I don't care how many times you hear "autism awareness", people dont UNDERSTAND autism, even though almost every single person is "aware" of it. 

Most of the frustration I have that they don't understand it comes when I'm having an issue. Now, for a NT person, they have their standard protocol of medication or doing this or doing that. However, those things do not work for people with autism, for the most part. Autism requires another angle, another perspective, and a greater understanding on the part of the medical professional. It requires they break out of their mold, and think about it as an individual case, instead of a "this is what we always do in this case" way. My brain is literally, physically different than an NT person, and using the same approach to a brain issue is not going to serve me the same way. 

Also, as a constant learner or seeker of learning, I am always looking for answers on my own. I am not the kind of person who shows up at the doctors, takes their advice or suggestions or words as THE ANSWER, and goes home satisfied. More often than not, I am left disappointed, discouraged, and this lingering feeling that I was not heard, understood or served from an individual point of view. Time after time I show up with a concern, they run it through their mental database, give me their standard solution or suggestion, and close the case as solved, meanwhile I'm left with the struggle and a gut feeling that there is more to it than that. I don't fit into their perfect little medical manuals. The answers to the problems I have won't be found in their books, because people like me aren't found in their books.

I wish I could change the world, and make the medical community actually open up more to autistics, listen to what we have to say, and actually adjust their policy, protocols and "solutions" to the things we want and need, instead of just tossing us in the batch with all the other NT people. There are so many of us out there talking right now, and it seems like we should be heard and treated as the authorities of our condition. We should be the experts in the field, not some medical doctor who spent thousands in school to book-learn what we LIVE. WE should be qualified to speak on our own behalf, to explain what it is like for us, and to be treated differently based on those experiences, not just thrown in the batch and treated as if all solutions affect us equally as NTs. We are literally different. All people are different, but autistics are different in very specific ways. I feel frustrated that we know this, but the medical field will take decades to catch up to what we are already saying. They rely so much on their precious research, that they forget to treat us based on our needs TODAY, simply because they don't have the "documented proof" that we are different enough to deserve it. 

I've seen picture after picture of how the brain activity in autistics is different than in NT people. I think it should be easy then to determine, then, that our brain's physical and chemical structures are different enough to deserve different approaches. So you might think my depression needs medication, but you don't really know or understand what it feels like to me, personally, to even consider being on a brain altering drug, not to mention how it feels to actually be on it. You cannot and will not convince me that a drug will help when it actually increases my anxiety and depression to even consider being on it, and then those feelings are just confirmed by actually taking it. The one thing I need LESS of when I'm in a down period is something that makes me feel worse. 

We are VERY smart people. We know what is available to us. We are not afraid of or ashamed of asking for those things if we feel we need something more. But when we say we DON'T want it, DO NOT PRESS US. We are smart. We will ask for it if we need it. Health is about more than just what you normally think or do, it is about making us feel like we are the ones doing the choosing, that we are the ones controlling our own health. You have to give us the freedom to initiate those things, or else it feels forced and unwelcomed. It also undermines your authority on the topic because you don't make us feel as if you are listening to our concerns at all, only that you're throwing your standard answer at us and expecting it to be the end all to the problem.

Anyway. When it comes to your health, or dealing with the medical community, you as the autistic are the sole authority in the situation. You know how you feel, you know your needs, and you have to be your own advocate. You have to say no when you know it won't benefit you, you have to say yes when you know it will, and you have to give yourself time sometimes to consider it, bounce it around your head, and own it. Yes, sometimes they are right, and things will be better, but sometimes you are an individual and you know yourself, much better than they ever will. Don't be afraid to do what's best for you, even if it doesn't jive with what they think. It's all on YOU.

Anxiety

I have daily anxiety. It is just a part of life for me. It is an "accessory" to my Aspergers. It's like the belt to your jeans. The top to your bottoms. Depression and anxiety just go hand in hand with who I am, and how my brain works. Perfectionism is stuffed in there too.

I don't like to let myself down, but I don't like to let others down either. And I have a tendency to think I can do things, even if it's too much for me. I somehow think I should be able to do it all or something. 

I haven't had an anxiety attack in perhaps years. It has definitely been since before I was diagnosed. I can't even remember exactly when the last one was, because I probably didn't recognize it as an anxiety attack. But I do remember the hyperventalating, and uncontrollable crying "reflex". 

Today things finally caught up to me and I finally broke down. I haven't been home in 5 days. Skipped right over my cleaning day, so the house hadn't gotten clean. Almost ran out of diapers with no exact plan to when I'm going to wash them (I did get them in this morning, and we didn't run out, whew). Didn't even make it to the grocery store on my normal shopping day, had to go after work today and in a hurry too since the hours of our local grocery store are frustratingly early on Sunday. After a long few hours at work, very tired, and upset stomach (thanks, baby), and a hip that has returned to popping out all the time, either thanks to pregnancy or work. And tomorrow (or tonight) I have to run to the CU so that I don't end up bouncing checks tomorrow in a bad way because I didn't have any idea when our new internet was going to go through. I guess I didn't realize we were, like, automatically signed up for auto pay, but apparently we are, and that was the same money I spent on groceries tonight too.

And I was going to work tomorrow.

I think I should be able to do all these things, but it is becoming clear that I can't. I hate letting people down, saying I would do things and now not being able to. OR even the guilt that I'm letting myself down, thinking I should be able to do it, handle it, but my system won't let me. I'm rather introverted by nature, but right now I would like nothing more than to crawl into a hole and sleep and not be bothered.

But I still have a family. And they have needs, like eating. It's already been a lot of work to find something I can stand to think of eating, and I have to cook something for them that isn't something I can handle so that I don't run out of things to eat... but kids still need to eat. And they need to be cleaned, and their messes need to be cleaned, and their dishes need to be cleaned and their clothes need to be cleaned, and the floor needs to be cleaned because even though it's just been swept, little B thinks her food goes there when she's done, instead of just saying "I'm done" - which I KNOW she is MORE than capable of saying. 

And they just need their mama too. 

And mama needs herself.

I have wondered what it feels like to people with autism or anxiety attacks to not be sure you're going to be able to keep breathing. I remember now. This was definitely an anxiety attack, and I felt like it was rather bad. Of course the tipping point was an inability of anyone else to make dinner without my instructions (they're on the box for crying out loud), and the fact that I never ask anyone for help, and the one time I need help or a break, it seems like it's too much to ask. NO WONDER I don't ask for help! How can you dare ask for help or put a "ball" down when you get treated as if it's just too much for someone else to step in for a while?

I need a wife.

This is definitely for counseling. I've been planning on it anyway, but now I'm going. 

It's not going to get better when I'm stuck under an infant, exhausted and overwhelmed and unable to manage going to the bathroom.....

I just can't trust that others will step in when I need help. I guess that's normal and common with ASD too. Doesn't make it any better, but it's true. 

I'm broken today. I'm breathing a bit easier but I'm still precariously at the edge of the crying and breakdown cliff. I wish that the kids were asleep so that I could just zone out and shut down a few more "mommy senses" to get more rest. 

I don't know how working parents do it. I really don't. I have never liked to work, but with kids its magnified to a whole new level. It makes me wonder why people spend so much money that they have to both work. I can't even imagine single parents, that's a whole new level of sadness. 

I just can't. 

Planning, Children, Unexpected

Really looking for other autistic's input for this one!

So, my whole life I knew exactly what I wanted. And I wanted it perfectly and in perfect order: First I wanted a boy, then a yonuger girl.

Having my first, a boy, was a dream come true. But adjusting to being a mom, though a true joy and dream come true, was difficult. He was intense, tongue tied (I only found that out a couple of years ago), and very fussy (due to the tongue tie, he couldn't nurse without getting tons of air, so he was always full of air. And he nursed A LOT.). Pair that with the autism and he was a fairly high maintenance kid! We weren't sure we would have another, and we knew we had no desire to have another one soon, so we waited.

Eventually, the baby fever returned, thanks to a cousin at a family reunion (and the desire to have my perfect picture with the little girl!). So we started trying and after much difficult months and work we finally had my completed dream come true: a little girl.

So we were done! I had exactly what I had always dreamed of, one of each, boy first. It was as if God literally knew how happy it would make me to have exactly my dream, and He sure blessed me fully and perfectly with that. We were content, and we were done. Autism does not get easier as the kid grows up, but the challenges move from one kind to another. So we were done.

Except that we aren't.

All the cliche things. God has different plans. Wonder baby. We had been saying we were done, and if God had different plans He would have to pull the strings. Even joking about having another one to stop the insane hives I have been having on and off (but mostly on) for the past year+. 

So we are having another one. And I am anxious. Not in a "can't wait to meet the baby" way, but in a "can't wait until the baby is like 6+ months old and things calm down and settle in" way. I don't really particularly love those first months. I love infants, I do. I love their smell, I love their need to cuddle, their inability to move around a lot so they are "safe", babywearing. But I don't like the adjustment period. I don't like that feeling of exhaustion, and the hormonal fluxuations, and the life altering entrance of another person into your home.

We only have 4 chairs, and they fit perfectly around our circular table. 4 people can easily fit into a small sized car (which we someday planned on getting back into again, but, its a van from now on until forever HAHA). We had even numbers. 

All these things are totally unimportant. Seeing that little blob today revealed perhaps a part of this little one's nature: he/she was nestled so closely to the edge that it hardly seemed possible that it was a separate creature. It was interesting to see so snuggled closely to my body. I don't remember the other two looking like that when we first saw them. 

I know that this child will fit into our family and we will wonder how we ever managed without them in it. But for now, I'm left kinda panicky at times, because we had no planned on this. We didn't keep ANYTHING. My sister isn't ready to part with hers yet, so I get to borrow, but I was just looking forward to some freedom. Little B girl has slowed down with nursing and actually can make it most of the night sleeping through. I was just able to leave her and start working a little. I was looking forward to not having to wear a nursing tank anymore :P I've lived in those things for the better part of 2 1/2 years and I was looking forward to a bra again. (Nursing bras are, strangely, ACUTELY uncomfortable, especially when they are made for a time when womens' breasts are likely more sensitive than normal.)

But here we go again. It always works out, so the details I'm not really concerned with. It's just that period of adjustment. Living so rural, with very few friends to support me (and especially having people not understand that what I really want is for them to actually do something that I feel is helpful, like meals and dishes, not watch the baby!) it can be lonely. I'm glad that you see the doctor so often in the beginning because I fully trust her to take care of me and keep an eye on me, and using my past history, I think I know how to at least keep my health up while recovering. And I'm going to INSIST on a tongue tie being cut RIGHT AWAY so that we can hopefully curb jaundice risks and increase breastfeeding success and comfort. That will make things SO much easier.

But I still worry about my overly strong obsession with keeping all my balls in the air. 

I think that the purpose of this baby may just be to help me decide which balls are important, and which balls are not important. I was still of the mindset of "why did my mom always have a mess in the kitchen", but maybe I need to allow us to have a mess in the kitchen. Maybe the surfaces have to be sticky, and my sensory aversion to sticky needs some reduction (kinda like my sensory reduction to bug bites must have been reduced due to the year+ hives...). Maybe I need to let go more. 

No, not maybe, I DO NEED to let go more.

I tend to hold myself to a high standard of perfectionism, and it just makes me feel good to have a clean house, a clean kitchen, and the relief that everything is in its place. I love organization and I'm constantly trying to better my organization all over the house too, so having to have more things again for a baby in the house (in the "way), is really overwhelming. I rejoice when the baby furniture leaves the house! But now I'm considering a stand alone high chair, because of the "only 4 chairs" thing. Yet one more furniture.

I like to plan ahead for things, and my mind is like a rat on a spinning wheel, just trying to plan for where, how, what, its all going to look and feel like. I know I'm going to love it and I'm going to laugh because God knows what He is doing, and that makes me happy. 

But that doesn't erase my aspie obsessions and aspie control and aspie overwhelm.

So, Aspie moms and dads: what was YOUR dream for when you were going to have kids? Did you have any preferences? Did you know when you had to stop? Did you feel like you couldn't handle more, and then got a surprise? I would love to hear your stories, especially if the beginning is like mine, and the ending helps me see a light at the end of the tunnel, at least from your experience and perspective. 

THANKS!

Taking Mental Health Seriously

I feel as if I've had a lot of anxiety problems in my life, though I don't often consider them a real problem, to be honest. I just kinda float through and manage to carry on despite the anxieties. 

I remember often when I was a kid that I would get this icky sinking feeling in my stomach. From what I can remember, it would last every day from about November to March. If I was in school, that was good because I could distract myself. If I had my head in a good book, I could distract myself long enough to get my mind off my nagging stomach. If we could just do something to distract myself, usually involving not being home, things looked better! Thank goodness our grandparents literally lived right behind us and I could get a bit of change of scenery going there. And grandma loved to go out for coffee. A lot.

That icky feeling has not been around much since I was in high school. There have been moments where it has returned, and they are dreadful moments. But somehow I've managed to be able to take deep breaths, change my surroundings, or simply distract them away via technology. 

If someone tells you they are hurting, or suffering from some kind of nagging anxious feelings, take them seriously. I think sometimes we try to tell people they are fine, by our estimations, and that their feelings don't have anything to do with reality. This is probably the most true with anxiety disorders, because to an outside source, the feelings do seem illogical and don't seem to have a lot of basis in reality. So we brush them off and tell them that they aren't as bad as they seem.

We have to take it seriously. Yes, it's time consuming and inconvenient to have to start calling around for information and making appointments, but isn't the life of your loved one worth it? 

Sure, these days, especially for kids in school, they have all that IEP stuff and extra help in school. But what about for other things? What about feelings of anger, or frustration, or fears? What about crippling anxiety that keeps you up at night unable to just relax and go to sleep? And how do you tell your parents any of this when you can't make sense of it yourself? 

Just take them seriously. Give them support if they need it, direction if they need it, and help to show them how they can work through their feelings in a safe way, through the help of a counselor or whatever.

Holidays

I haven't posted in a long time again. I don't think I have been able to think of something new to say. It's been "the season" - and I've been feeling sick and very tired.

I have a very low tolerance to stomach upset. This is frustrating because for someone with Aspergers, depression, and generalized anxiety, stomach upsets happen frequently, especially with the anxiety. I will tell you, during these times, its pretty difficult to do anything. I feel completely disabled.

I recently read an article talking about the gut and the brain, and how they are connected. I wish I had saved the link. But anyway, the point of it is that if your stomach and gut is imbalanced, your brain is going to be off, and to flip that is also true. If your head is out of whack, your stomach and gut is going to be affected.

 This is completely true for me. If my stomach is upset, then there is an unavoidable reaction in the brain - almost to the point of feeling disabling. I am unable to function normally when my stomach is upset.

This isn't because I'm a wimp, or whiner, or something like that. Believe me, I'm a pretty obsessed person, and I like to keep my house in order and clean, for example. However, the state of my kitchen sink can give you a clue as to whether or not I'm tolerating or barely scraping by. And lately it's looked more like barely scraping by than tolerating. Because I am barely scraping by. I'm rather lucky to have a new cereal bowl when I happen to start to get low. It's a good thing I have a dishwasher, though for a while there we had no detergent for said dishwasher, and I had to hand wash... I did them all in the morning while I was still feeling good...

I'm not making this up.

There is a total connection between your gut and your head!

And therefore, also, a connection between your head and your gut!
If I'm anxious about something (which is often), I tend to get so anxious about it that I can have feelings of illness.
This might be what's going on with me right now, but I have to wait another week and see if I feel any better.

Christmas is coming. And with Christmas comes the stress of people coming (and not being here as long as I would like), and going (much sooner than I'd like), and important conversations to be had with certain someones, and nerves involved and upsets involved with certain conversation. Add to that the increased amount of stress of having people staying in my house (just my brother and his girlfriend, but I'm still in a period of getting to know this girlfriend, so though I like her, I'm still a bit anxious because I don't KNOW her or something...)... cooking, making sure there's food, and then there's the whole money situation, and gifts (See This Post and This Post) and the fact that I was not able, for the first time, to get everything I wanted to get for everyone.... There is a whole lot of stress going on inside my head, and I'm starting to think (and hoping, actually) that what's going on in my head is what is causing all the stomach troubles. This means that maybe in a week, it will all be gone. That would be nice.

I don't know why I'm an anxious person. From what I remember, my therapist indicated it is a "gift" of Aspergers. It just goes hand in hand with it. I feel guilty for not following "be anxious for nothing...", but I often wonder how much of that is under my control. After all, I cannot decide to not be autistic. I can't decide to not be reserved. I can't convince myself to be less socially awkward. If I could do all that, do you think I would CHOOSE to be like this? I'd like to be more comfortable in social situations, not feel like I have to "hold someone's hand" just to get through it. This is just the way it is. So is that the way it is with my anxiety too? It is just what it is. That doesn't mean I'm immune to the stress and physical symptoms of anxiety. Knowing I tend on the anxious side doesn't stop the anxiety. Knowing God's got this is a fact; and I know it. That still has not stopped it. 

I am pretty grateful, most of the time I function pretty well. I'm not "worldly successful" or anything, but I can run the house and keep things from dying. I have a lot of talent and passion for things, and stuff like that. But there are a lot of periods of darkness, and maybe this is just one of those times.

I have often found it interesting that I tend to not worry about things that other people worry about. Luckily, my husband and I rarely stress out at the same time. Usually when I'm anxious about something, he isn't. When he is, I'm not. In that way, it works out pretty nicely, because at least one of us has a hold on ourselves all the time.

Anyway, I got off track. Basically, the holidays are driving me nuts, and I'm seriously considering taking a vacation next year. Going away somewhere. Somewhere warmer, perhaps with a bit of color. I look outside the past few days and with the heavy snow covering everything, and the trees in their dark winter coats, and the sky in a blanket of clouds, it could easily be said to be a black and white photograph. I need some color! That's why I painted my living room an odd bright blue for a while. Anyway. Here's your "black and white" pictures of the day....

People with ASD may experience the following...

Frustrating Times

Lots of stuff going on lately. I haven't had time to post, and I shouldn't be posting now because it's so late.

I am having to working 6 days this week.
Well, 5 1/2 because yesterday (sunday) I left at lunch to go home and paint the living room. Which is another issue.

Things have been stressful. We've been planning this painting for a long time and it's good to have it all done. We still have a lot of work to do on the trim and stuff but the major job is finished. Some really great friends drove 2 hrs one way with their 4 kids to come up and help us! (You don't know who you're true friends are until you need help!)

Well we slept in the house last night and everything seemed fine. Though today I'm not so sure they are. B ended up sick this afternoon/night. With what he has been able to describe and based on his odd behavior otherwise and lack of fever or whatnot, I think there is a paint inhalation issue. So we just escaped to my inlaws house for fresh air to hope that helps!

But between the stress of that job, the house being torn apart with stuff everywhere, and knowing I have to work 6 days in a row, and likely next week too.... I am a bit stressed and I think that is rubbing off on B. there have been times he has been sick before where excitement or anxiety has seemed to be the only reason he was sick. High strung maybe. It's a family trait. Lol.

So I'm hoping that it doesn't happen anymore. The poor kid. And the poor mama racking my brain trying to figure out what the problem might be, what to do, if a trip to the ER 45+ minutes away is worth it or necessary... I guess we will see.

I'm going to be so exhausted when this week is over. Come to think of it I'm already exhausted and I'm only at day 2.