Here We Go With Empathy Again - Parenthood

So, the thought occurred to me as I'm still stuck thinking about Parenthood (and still crying about it this morning in the shower), Aspergers/ASD does NOT mean that you don't have feelings, or that you don't have empathy. 

Here I am, watching a bunch of fictional characters, and feeling so intensely the pain that they would all be feeling, and the sadness that they as characters would be feeling, and the sadness that the real people/actors would be feeling, and just sobbing my eyes out. 

I feel that Aspergers doesn't mean that I can't feel what others are feeling. I feel things so much more intensely than others! I mean, seriously SO INTENSE. People think nothing of kids movies most of the time, and most of the time they make me so devastated that I can't ever watch them again. 

However, it is true that I don't normally know what to do about those feelings in someone else, I don't normally know how someone wants me to react, or help. I tend to lean toward the position where I'd like to offer them a perfect solution, or fix the problem for them. So I suppose that would be socially "unacceptable" to do that, and not really react the way an NT person would. So what? That doesn't mean that I don't feel for people, or with people. It just means that I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Anyway. So reaffirming. Aspies have emotions, and empathy, we just show it differently than you may expect or want us to. And most of us feel so much more intensely, we are usually willing to do just about anything to avoid feeling overwhelmed by the devastation, or sadness, or whatever. Which is why you might think that your Aspie friend would support you, but they almost go into hiding.

OH - and I just thought of this too - it seems we have a 6th sense about things too. You might be acting completely "normal", but I'll sense something is up and it will drive me crazy. I will think maybe you don't like me, or are mad at me, or just feel down right uncomfortable even when you think you aren't showing any signs of stress. They say Aspies can't read people, which might be true, but I can still feel it. It used to happen to me all the time in high school. Teachers didn't talk to us about what was going on, "politically", in the district, but every time I felt really uncomfortable, or sad for them, or the strong urge to do something nice for one or all of them, within days I would end up hearing something went on or something (pays to have a parent so involved in school... lol!)

So, there's that.

Practical And Insensitive?

A lot of what is thought about people with Autism Spectrum is that they are rather insensitive people who are unable to empathize.

I may have said something about empathy before, but I'm going to do it again. This idea that autistic people can't be empathetic is just wrong! Have any of these "experts" even asked an autistic person how they feel about something? (Which is another topic for another time...)

In my experience, I usually know when society expects me to be empathetic, but during those situations I have NO CLUE what I should do. I usually end up doing one of two things: First, I become rather practical. If something needs to be done, I will do it. If there is some kind of tidbit of information I can give you, I will find it and give it to you. I want to help you solve the problem or feel better. I usually feel a sense of urgency about it too, as if the problem can't just wait for time to pass, but I have to fix it for you right now. There is something we can do about this anxiety I am feeling over what you are feeling, and I know how to find it and here's something to do. This is the insensitive side.

Second, I become disabled, mute, and avoiding. I usually want to but I can't say anything, do anything or sometimes even be in your presence.

Neither of these responses are socially appropriate. But what I have come to realize, is that the fact that I am not comfortable dealing with the emotional aspects of a situation doesn't mean that I'm not useful! In fact, if it weren't for people like me, how would things get done? Of course I've already mentioned my ability to find and share resources or info to possibly help. However, I'm also good at details. Give me a job! Let me help arrange something, or plan something. That way, I feel useful, I feel as if I am doing something for you during a time where I feel rather anxious about not being sensitive or empathetic enough. 

So remember that the next time someone you know isn't acting sensitive or empathetic enough. There are likely thousands to millions of undiagnosed ASD's out there. Just give them a task, ask them to help you with something specific. It's worth a shot!

Empathy, Aspergers & Furniture Safety...

So. Wow.

And people wonder why I get all "nazi" about safety. Mostly car seat safety, but for once I'm glad I don't have a dresser, and I think I'm about to get nazi about furniture safety. 

I don't EVER want ANY parent to feel the pain and guilt that this mama does. Could you imagine this happening to your child? Could you imagine having a car accident and your child blowing out of there because you didn't put the chest buckle in the right spot (the most common error I see)? Could you imagine? I know I would feel sick to my stomach and many of these same things if I knew I didn't say anything about your improperly buckled car seat, or, in this case, the fact you havent considered securing your furniture. wow.

I'm just... so devastated for her. My heart hurts. Who says Aspies dont have empathy!!?? I sit here holding my baby girl and imagining if anything like this ever happened to her... I would be beside myself. This mom's description of her physical feelings are about spot on for what I would expect to feel. I can almost feel my cement-heavy legs, the crippling pain. Empathy for me is feeling something so much I have no skills to deal with how I feel about what happened to this family.

Probably why I can't watch Dumbo or Bambi....

http://lovelightlaughterandchocolate.blogspot.com/2012/12/be-with-me-just-for-today.html

6 Myths Link and Comments

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/debunking-6-myths-about-asperger-syndrome/

Good post.

I'll add my thoughts on the list as well.

#1: I obviously did not outgrow anything. Sure, over the course of 30 years, I've learned a lot about people that I regularly interact with, and I've learned a lot about dealing with people I do not know as well. I copy and use a lot of socialization from other people I know well, like my parents or something. I can absorb and use characteristics of people I'm around. 30 years of experience is a lot of experience working things out, and though my symptoms might not be as obvious as a 10 year old who's still trying to figure life out, but they are still there.

#2: What? Who in their right mind thinks that we don't get married? We aren't brain dead! I was told that because I could maintain a relationship with my husband, and all that includes, that I couldn't have Aspergers. Really? There are people who are willing and able to crack through the exterior. There are people who are similar enough to us that our lifestyle fits theirs. There are people who fall in love with us THE WAY WE ARE. I have read stories of people with Down's Syndrome falling in love and getting married. We have to stop this really negative view of people who are different. Unless we're hooked up to life support, we are willing and able to love and be loved. Even with Autism.

#3: Social phobia? Says who? I'm not afraid to talk to people, but I know that I have a hard time with it, and I know that especially if a person doesn't know me well, I have the problem of being misunderstood. So I tread carefully. I am careful with what I say to whom. It's not that I'm afraid, or terrified, it's that I'm aware of my lack of skills and I just use them carefully.

#4: I am most definitely not disinterested in others, nor am I necessarily aloof. Sure, I keep to myself, I have "restricted" lifestyle, I simply will not participate in certain environments, but that is about ME, not about my interest in others. In fact, I figure I am being considerate of others by not going into certain environments where I will not be able to function normally and interact normally. Loud bars, rock concerts, things like that just aren't my bag. It would be rude of me to go through that and end up overwhelmed and in a meltdown instead of able to interact with a friend.
I find that I am sometimes a bit TOO interested in others; when I feel a connection to someone, I want to know almost everything about them, their life story, to see pictures of them, everything. This might come on strong to most people, but its not because I'm disinterested and aloof, obviously!

#5: Yup, for the most part, I am not a fan of eye contact. However, I know when I do not have a choice. Usually I think people consider my looking at their lips to be almost the same as giving eye contact. Often, especially if its a louder environment, I have to look at their mouth to "hear" what they are saying. I hear my grandmother read lips as well. Nothing wrong with that! It helps me to "hear". I do give eye contact, but more of a "checking in" sort of way. I am very aware of it internally, I tell myself to, and I know its an important part of conversation for NT people. However, the fact that I have to tell myself to do it, well, most people don't have to do that right? My eyes dart sometimes when I'm trying to focus on that. It's hard and annoying. I don't like it. 

#6: Empathy. I could probably write an entire post on empathy alone, and I think that a lot of my Aspie friends could as well. We are not hard hearted people who do not feel anything. In fact, most of the Aspies I have talked to sometimes admit to feeling TOO much for their own comfort! Just because we might not show it like everyone else doesn't mean we don't feel it.

For example, death is sad, but I don't always get so distraught about it that I'm unable to get ahold of myself. There are times and places. I cry when I'm alone, I cry at the funeral, or sometimes if I'm in a mood. Just because I can go on with my life "seemingly" normal does not mean I am not affected by the death. I can think of other things, funny times with that person, or even logically about their death specifically. We all know people who have died, but they did it to themselves in a way. Yes, still sad, but I have a part of me that "logics it out" - and that is NOT insensitive, it's just the way it is. Someone who smoked their whole life and dies of lung cancer doesn't hit me the same as a young person dying from something beyond their control. It sounds insensitive to you, but for me, its really simple. Again, I am deeply saddened by the death, but I don't have to express that the same as you! That doesn't make me wrong. That doesn't mean I don't have empathy!

I have been in the room of someone who is upset, and I might not even be aware of what the problem is, or that the person is upset, but I feel as if something isn't right. I can't tell you how many times I felt this way in high school. See, my best friends were usually my teachers, and no matter how much anyone might say that I was crazy to be "in love" with one or two, it makes little difference. If I was in the same room, and they were upset, it isn't like they could or would tell me about it, I just KNEW they weren't feeling right or acting right. Most of the time, I was the only one who would notice this stuff, and my friends would look at me like I was nuts for thinking that something was wrong. I had even convinced myself I must have just been crazy. However the more I learn about my Aspergers, and the empathy situation with people with Aspergers, the more I realize that my instincts were probably right, however, like I said, it isn't like my teachers could talk to some teenager about their problems. A few times I would get pieces of information that this was happening or that was happening, so I could figure it must have been that. So I wasn't wrong after all, and I still do this today. I'm more aware of it, so I try to figure out where those "vibes" are coming from, instead of being mystified that my head is spinning or something.

The closer I am to someone, the harder it hits. If my husband is stressed out, it overwhelms me. If my son is  worked up, it makes me more worked up, which doesn't help either of us. I have learned a lot about giving myself a break during stressful moments, and giving him a break too, so that we dont overwhelm each other by bouncing off each other's moods.  I'm aware of this now. It used to be more of a mystery. It used to make things more complicated.

Anyway, I thought that the link had a very good list, and I agree with what they had to say. I don't think they covered everything I would have - but this post is probably overwhelming enough for THIS blog! Just had to share my thoughts!

Saw It, Loved It, Reposting It: Sensory Processing & 90% Cure Part 2

Today I saw this VIA Karla's ASD Page on FB:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Karlas-ASD-Page/155369821204141

I loved it! Here it is:

The message posted with this photo is as follows:

"The three root causes of social communication differences in autistic people are directly impacted by said person’s ability to process sensory information. Both overall energy (need for down time or alone time) and real-time processing are affected when sensory processing skills are poor. 


It is absolutely ridiculous to think that teaching me social skills will help me in most social situation

s due to my severe sensory processing issues. I am lucky to process even some of what is said in most areas where there are more than 2 people gathered and talking.

It is mandatory that caregivers start to recognize some of the root causes of our social differences and to accommodate those versus forcing us into all these social skills classes.

Yes, if a person has no sensory processing issues and high abstraction abilities, it may help. The rest of us.... I think it hurts much more than it helps. Teach advocacy first!!! " - Karla's ASD Page


I was told when I was tested that I have high processing speed. However, I still require tons of alone time.  I have social anxieties because of bad past experiences (not distant past either, recent past too!). I can't process information well when there are other things going on around me. I DO take a long time to get to a point because I'm usually trying to figure out what I'm saying and how to say it.

The middle box struck me today. Just yesterday I had a disagreement about what is or isn't respectful with someone in a group I was admin in. There was a post that was, to my understanding, posted for the sole purpose of making fun of another person. Granted, the photo showed something that was not "normal" or "conventional", but the way that it was being shared with the purpose of teasing, making fun of and insulting another person was what bothered me. I felt the post was disrespectful. Top that off with a person who had just made it clear they wanted us (admins) to limit the invites to the group because we didn't want it to become a place where there was a lot of drama, and we all want respect for all members so we would all feel comfortable. We had done so good over election season, no political posts and arguements at all. It was great. However, this post had gone too far, and I simply started by saying that I hoped we wouldn't continue to post material like that. (Because if one person posts it, that opens the door to someone else posting something else, and someone else posting something else.. until someone goes too far.)

Anyway, it seemed, as the disagreement went on, that this other person and I had completely different understandings of the words "admin" and "respect". We did not share the SAME DEFINITIONS of these words. I am rather sure my definitions were the literal interpretations/definitions. The other person's definitions were definitely different, as it didn't appear making fun of someone fell under the category of disrespect.

See how this can create a problem? I wonder how many times in my life that I have taken a more literal meaning of a word or method or whatnot, and gotten into disagreements with others over certain topics because their meaning was completely generalized, or broken down to mean something else. I DO NOT see things the way other people do. I know that already. But I had never before broken it down into the fact that I literally take different meanings to words or ideas.

And now knowing this, how on earth do I explain it to another person? Am I going to have to walk around as a human dictionary, telling people my definition of words simply to avoid disagreement? It is a rather mind blowing idea, that my DEFINITIONS are so different that they are causing disagreement. This is rocking my world, in a good way.

This goes along with my post Diagnosis Is 90% Of The Cure. Each time I learn something else about Aspergers, I learn something else about myself, which gives me more tools and information about how to deal with the struggles I face DAILY in my life. It gives me a MORE EMPATHETIC view toward other people who have disagreed with me in the past, and it almost makes me more tolerant of those views simply because I can understand a difference in definition, for example!

Anyway, it rocks my world. And to have this post the day after the event I described is like such perfect timing that I know this journey that I am on is meant to be. I am going in the right direction, with purpose, for the first time in my life. I've never been more grateful for diagnosis.

Aspies & Empathy: "Aspies Do Not Lack Empathy; We Crave It" - Aspiewriter

Once again, I'm posting another blog post by Aspiewriter!
There's a reason she's a writer. She's got the words. Some of the things she has written lately, I just can't help reposting because she is saying things I have not been able to articulate, or haven't realized what exactly is going on.

In this post, she talks about empathy. As I read it, I realized that the reason that I prefer to work by myself is probably because I'm taking in all the emotions around me, and not only is that very confusing, but it is very stressful. If my coworker is stressed, I feel stressed. This makes me unable to work as effectively as I would like, and it has driven me crazy all summer that I can't understand why I feel so odd. It could be a perfectly fine day, and all of a sudden I feel completely overwhelmed. There's too many emotions around me!

But at the same time, as she says, I disconnect from the "big picture" things. 9-11 doesn't really register on my radar, because I didn't know anyone who died. What I DO know is that everyone around me was completely stressed, devastated, scared and overwhelmed by the situation, and since I didn't understand it, I didn't understand their emotions, but I felt them and it was one of the most overwhelming things I have ever experienced. They felt all those things directly, but to me, they were strangers, I didn't understand the political perspective (I categorized it under "accident" for quite a few hours), and I knew no one who was involved or died (until a few hours or days later when my mom told me my uncle was in the pentagon... but he was fine.).

Anyway, I'm getting off track. Here is the link to her post, because it is just awesome.

http://www.aspiewriter.com/2012/09/aspies-crave-do-not-lack-empathy-we.html