Parenthood Farewell

Well, that's it! Parenthood (the show) is over.

The only reason I got into this show was because of Max. Max has changed my life. When the show started, I was not diagnosed yet. I wasn't even sure if I wanted or needed to be. It wasn't really on my radar. The more I watched, the more of myself I saw, the more I talked to people (many of which didn't believe me), the more I realized that I had to find out for sure, for myself, so that I could stop saying that I thought I could relate, so that I could find out if I actually did relate! So, I did, I am, and I do!

My son was just officially diagnosed yesterday. I've known since birth, but it became more and more apparent that I don't have the actual tools or skills to help him with his ASD any more than I have the tools or skills to help myself with my own. As an adult, there aren't exactly resources available, but it is more obvious to me every day how much I need some of the things that ASD kids are getting. For one, my emotional regulation is not good. But I digress...

I was/am devastated. I loved the show, I loved how they were so real, I loved how it wasn't about death, or murder, or killing, or vampires or witches, or other spiritual stuff. This was a show about "real people", a "real family". I say that in quotes because we all know it isn't real, but it feels like stories that could be. It is relatable, and covered a wide range of topics and stories. Of course the one I was most interested in was Max's. 

The thing that I find especially ironic right now is that just as we start our "official" journey with our son is when the show is ending. The show started with Max kicking off his journey, and its ending with us kicking off ours.

I do have the show to thank for being able to even consider being diagnosed, and doing the same for my son. I don't know if I would have even had discussions about it if it hadn't been for the show, and I might not be sitting here with all the answers to my childhood issues, and adult issues, and the answers to what will help my son. I might be in a totally different place with all of this. I don't know how I could keep going on not knowing about this part of me that affects everything else, so I guess I might have eventually been diagnosed anyway, but I know that the show and the discusions that came from that are a huge part of why.

I also realized tonight that I have a hard time with this stuff.

I have always had a hard time with movies. I'm the girl who won't watch Dumbo or Lady and the Tramp, (and I won't be showing them to my kids either), among other movies, and other reasons, because I cannot handle the emotional turmoil that they cause in my heart, my mind and my body. I could not stop crying. I had made a prediction early on in the season, and I couldn't have been more right. Still, it made for a rather devastating ending to the show, while bittersweet, then filled with clips from the future and whatnot... I can still feel myself torn up about this.

And that's just what I'm getting at. I can't do this kind of thing anymore. Years ago I distanced myself from suspenseful shows, scary shows, and shows where people were constantly being murdered and whatever. I can't take the emotional turmoil. Parenthood was the complete opposite of that kind of thing, but still, when it ends, I find myself just as emotionally distraught, and feeling just as sick over it. I don't like that feeling. I really honestly can't take this kind of thing.

I literally felt depression. I know most people don't feel depression hit them overnight, or in minutes. I know most people don't really realize they are falling into it until they are already there. But I literally felt the way I did when I had the mirena, but it happened in the span of about 5 minutes. Just all of a sudden - BOOM - it hit me like a ton of bricks. Whether it was just from the whole emotions of the episode in question here, or if it was the fact that its over and its almost like someone died (oh wait....), and the parallels between what happened in the episode and what has happened to our family in real life this past fall, or if it is the change in routine - that I won't be having Parenthood as a part of my routine anymore - it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

 Don't worry too much about me, I already know if this doesn't ease up, I will be running for the counselor! LOL But I think I will be fine. The Notebook killed me a little bit too, but I survived that just fine, eventually. 

Anyway, I don't know if this is common with people with Aspergers/ASD, or not. I know it's not real, but it feels real. They engage your real emotions, so it feels so real. It is almost like your mind is confused with your body, your body reacts like it's real and your mind knows it's not?

Either way, I don't want any more connections to any more shows! I just can't take the emotional stress. This is probably for the best anyway, as I can't stand the crap they are putting on tv anymore. Can't even watch a "good show" without having to see 26 ads for the worst shows you never wanted to hear about.

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest tonight. I'm sure this isn't the last time I'll write about it, and I'm sure that I'm going to end up reading a ton of articles about the finale or whatever. But this strong of a connection to a tv show really shakes me, and I am not sure that I like it, and I don't want any more shows!! I've been so upset that it's going to be over, and now after it is, I'm relieved. They almost imprison you don't they? No more Parenthood, no more good Veggietales. This is getting interesting isn't it? 

So. I'm just a little overwhelmed tonight. A little overtired from the release of emotions from not only the show, but the week in general. May God make this a better future, without any more addicting tv shows!

Max. Heartbreaking. Story of my life.

http://tmblr.co/ZCSBau1AyhWvD

This is a show on television. It is written and acted out. So people can easily assume that it is maybe sorta based on real life, but mostly fictional.

I'm here to tell you that nothing about how Max has been treated is fictional. These things happen. Probably every single day somewhere there is a kid being bullied like this. And its even more likely if that kid is on the spectrum.

I tend to be trusting of people. This characteristic gets me into some pretty interesting situations. You would think that trusting people would be rewarded with honest and kind friendships and people who trust me as much as I trust them. So far, I haven't found that to be the case very often.

When I was in school, I didn't even know I had Aspergers. I don't even remember it being on my radar. It wasn't talked about in the news as some 'epidemic'. No one talked about it and no one seemed to have been diagnosed with it (though I have noticed there are so many adults being diagnosed as adults, and I know there are a huge percentage that aren't and won't be diagnosed). 

When I was in school, those were MY FEELINGS.
If I'm so smart, why don't I know why they are laughing at me? Why don't I know why they are picking on me? Why me? What, is there a kick me sign on my back? 

And yes, EVEN THE NICE KIDS.

Which, I suppose, makes them not nice kids doesn't it. They thought because they weren't druggies getting suspended or detention that they were the good kids. They thought that because they were getting good grades, or on the sports team, that they were the good kids. I'm here to tell you that there are fewer good kids than it appears. The good kids are overrated, because they can be just as mean and bully just as well as anybody else. Only its worse because I trusted them. I trusted that they WEREN'T the ones teasing me. I thought that they were the ones who might defend me or even stand up for me when things happened. I was shocked to see them actually joining the bullying instead of sticking up for me. And I was heartbroken. Every time I was left confused and wondering what was happening, and how it was happening. Weren't they supposed to be the nice kids? Aren't the nice kids supposed to step in or something when I need help? That's what makes them nice kids right?

These are the kids who got credit for a peer helpers group that really didn't exist (it was something to write on a college application and something to get out of class to be in the yearbook photo for). These kids got awards and scholarships based on their "service in the community", when really that mean they played sports and entertained us 4 times a week. 

Kids cannot really be held responsible, can they? What kid would actually step into a group of angry teenagers beating on (physically or mentally) another student? What kid can actually be expected to be brave enough to put themselves and their reputation on the line for the loser? It might be social suicide I suppose. And it's scary. That means putting yourself physically on the line for someone else. What if they turn on you instead? What if they beat you up, or reject you? Then what? Then you're stuck alone and rejected too. 

It's terribly sad. And teachers can't be everywhere every second either. 

I don't have any solutions unfortunately. I don't really know anyone who does. Even homeschooling you are going to eventually meet that person who uses you and tosses you like a piece of trash. I guess that maybe if you have a strong family backing you up, maybe it doesn't hurt so bad. But not a lot of kids have that either.

Point is, things like what happened to Max, and his resulting feelings and hurts, those are real. I felt my own pain as real as if it were happening as I watched that scene. It was beautiful and raw, and so realistic. It was all that it should be. Every school should be showing that kind of story as some kind of life skills class or something. Every student should see the results of their actions. I don't think it would cut deep enough though, just showing one little show/episode/scene. But something needs to happen. I just don't know what. 

This is what we with Aspergers face. And if you think it stops at graduation, you're wrong. I've encountered this kind of thing in every college I've been at (3), and as an adult I've seen it more times than I can believe. It's frustrating. Unlike kids, adults should know better and have a better control over their actions or reactions. Adults should be able to stop themselves and realize that what they are doing is wrong. But sadly, there are plenty who don't. 

Max Braverman. Aspergers. Parenthood.

I want to write a lot about this. I want to post the specific video for the scene. And I have so much to say.

Right now, I will post a link to a post already written. It was pretty good. When I get the chance, I will find the video, or take one myself, and write about it. I have a lot to say about this.

http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/telefile/parenthood-file/2014/03/parenthood-the-best-and-worst-braverman-pairings-of-the-offer/

NBC's Parenthood Jan 8 2012

I love Parenthood on NBC. It is one of the few shows that is one these days (especially in that time slot) that does not deal with demons, criminals, promiscuous sex with everyone on the show, and murder. There is suspense, but it is more of an emotional "been there in my life" type suspense, not a "oh no is that person going to hook up/kill someone/die/solve the crime"? It is a more real show than most on television as well. It is one of two shows that I watch (the other being The Biggest Loser). I could care less about most everything else on tv.

Anyway, one of the main storylines in Parenthood is one they started on episode one: one child's life with Aspergers, and with that all the crazy stuff. It is almost educational. I'm loving it. Max (the character's name) shared so many characteristics with myself that it was one of the things that pushed me in the last couple years to stand up and get myself tested and diagnosed!

The episode that was on yesterday was pretty interesting. The actor (and therefore the character as well) is about the age for puberty. I found yesterday's storyline about this change funny! Mom walks in the room to a terrible odor! Thinking that it was his pet, she asked if he cleaned it, and he said he cleans the cage on Sundays. Realizing the smell was coming from her son, she asks him to go take a shower, to which he response "I only take showers on Saturdays and Tuesdays. It's Monday, so I'm not showering."
She calls in dad, they mention some brief words about changes, like growing body hair, and as he said he already had hair in certain places and proceeds to just about show them she uses the Skittles trick and he showers.

So then dad has to have a bit of a talk. Max, being the Aspie that he is, obviously has googled information in the meantime and is not at all embarrassed about any of it, but stops his dad when he tries to talk about sexual feelings toward girls, which Max thinks is rediculous and doesn't think will happen to him. Obviously, we all know he will, but the point is he knew he had a limit and didn't want to talk about it, and that was kinda cool. 

So I got to thinking about me at that age.
First of all, I was aware that a period would happen eventually, I'm sure my mom mentioned it, but I kinda blew it off until it happened. I honestly could not have cared less. I'm that girl that goes crazy because the doctors would ask me when my first period was, thinking that every woman must remember that HUGE event in their life. I haven't the foggiest idea. It was somewhere between 12 and 14, and I'm completely assuming on that. I NEVER knew if I had a "regular" cycle, I have no idea how many days apart they were, how long they lasted, I don't remember a thing. Even now, I couldn't tell you how long my last period was, when it started, or any other information about it (except now with Fertilitycare we chart, so I would have that information these days..).

I tend to think, then, that people with Aspergers are not only not embarrassed about this kind of stuff, but we honestly don't really pay it any attention at all. We just deal with what we have to deal with and when it's over, there is no relevant, important information that we need to retain, so it just goes out with the forgotten thoughts.

 However, I have a sneaking suspicion that some people are the complete opposite; where it terrifies them so badly that they shut down until its over. I'm not talking about those people who have huge health issues like migraines during their period, I'm talking your standard period being something that they cannot tolerate and throws them so badly off their ability to function that it comes between them and jobs, relationships and other parts of their life, because Aspergers can be like that. 

Either way, for me, I think I was more like Max. I could care less, I took care of business after just gaining what information I thought I needed on the topic (I doubt I googled anything back then!), and moved on with my life. Pretty standard stuff, and pretty much the way I viewed pregnancy, labor and delivery as well. I gained as much information as I could about it, made a plan in my head, dealt with what I had to deal with, and moved on with my life. No sense in being afraid of the process or the pain, just part of the deal and it was over in a heartbeat (practically). 

I think my desire to collect information about things that happen in my life is a tool that keeps me from losing it completely. Aspies don't like change, I don't like change. But change that I understand, know some facts on, that I can study and research, that is something I can deal with. Information is my cure to a lot of stressors in other people's life. Sharing information is my way of saying "Here, you can be as sure as I am about this, just look at this information here, and here, and here....". If you check my facebook feed, most of what I post is sharing links or stuff like that. 

And in true Aspie fashion, I could care less most of the time about the feelings others might have about it, facts are facts. You cant argue with facts (at least not with me). I don't care how you feel about something, if the facts show something, then that's the facts. 

Anyway, I hope Parenthood gets a renewal for another season. I love watching the Max storyline. It is something that is giving us a voice. It is one show that's out there showing us that kids like us don't go off shooting people. It's one thing out there showing people what this life is like, what our brains are like, how we are different. That is good for everyone.