Female Aspies

So today I have a referral to an excellent list of traits of female Aspies.
I truly believe we are everywhere. <3 

So check out this great link! Let me know what you think and if there are any that really stick out to you!

https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist

Nothing About Us, Without Us

One of my favorite groups out there is ASAN (Autistic Self Advocacy Network). The title of this blog post is their slogan, and I think it is a vitally important one, and not just for Autistics.

See, when I was a kid, I was quirky, weird, crazy, and in some ways absolutely out of my mind. Maybe not so much as a little kid, but definitely as a teenager. Hey, those are hard years, multiplied greatly any time you are different than the rest of the kids around you, and have no real explanation as to why you're different.

I didn't relate well to other kids. I had friends almost all the time, but a small group, and in hindsight they were not really good friends. Some actually had the nerve to be my friend, and do terribly torturous things to me at times. I didn't really have a choice.

The most important people when I was a kid was my teachers. In true aspie fashion, I related well with adults, and not so well with kids my age. This makes things complicated, fast, unfortunately.

In my opinion, it's actually pretty sad that a kid and an adult can't be friends without there having to be "more to the story" or something. And because most people think that, they are MORE than willing to put their own spin, judgement, assumptions, and opinions on it. Other kids are just as bad, if not worse. And unfortunately, aspies are typically the kind of people who want to believe you at your word. And, since we tend to be naive, we also will believe what you tell us about certain things, much to our detriment.

We are a society who is squeamish about sex, or romantic relations of any kind. We are greatly uncomfortable with a kid who self pleasures, we balk at curious questions that our tweens might ask as they are growing up and hearing or reading things, and we panic at the thought that our teens might actually be doing things at their age, even though for the most part we do little to nothing to actually stop or properly educate kids to avoid doing these things. We leave them to their own devices (literally, smartphones are the quickest and easiest way to material kids shouldnt be seeing) and we don't think we have to do the work of preventing kids from doing things. We make excuses like "They're going to do it no matter what we say...." instead of even trying.

We make a big deal when a girl and a boy are friends at ages where they aren't even close to knowing or caring what it even means. Saying your 2 year old has a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is not exactly the healthiest thing to say, and will set them up for the confusion that they can't be friends with someone without it HAVING to be romantic. We are putting adult content on simple friendships at ages where they haven't even realized that they will even do those things when they get older, at ages where little girls and boys still want to grow up and marry dad or mom! 

So the minute that an adult thinks from their adult perspective that something they see is a romantic or sexual attraction, we panic and we put labels and our own opinionated judgements on it.

I know I've heard people who were called fat over and over say that the hard part is that once you hear that over and over, you actually start to believe it.

I wouldn't say that is any different with romantic relationships, or, as my topic is heading, "assumed" romantic relationships.

I know I've written before about my "crush" on a teacher in high school, and unfortunately for that guy it was 6 years of madness. The longer I think about things, and examine them in my mind, flashbacks come to me. Seriously, the brain is amazing. I remember talking about him in such and such a way, how his class was exciting and fun or something, and a friend telling me "Oooh you loooooooove him!!" and a "light bulb" went on, and I believed her.

I'm not making this stuff up. And for 6 years to follow, thanks to her, I was repeatedly told, tortured, teased and laughed at for being "teachers pet" (but not enough to give me that in senior superlatives) and "loving" this poor guy. To me he took it very well, and even in senior year, he was merciful enough to tell me I wasn't the first girl to go crazy, there were others with other teachers and everything. I felt he was protective of me, he must have realized how naive I really was and I actually hope he didn't take me too seriously. A counselor once told me he wished it would all just go away, but that didn't make sense in the light of the fact that I could ignore him (most often because some other adult made me feel guilty about the whole thing) and he would still treat me the same way.

Now that I'm an adult, became diagnosed, started following Tony Attwood, and ran across this all important video that I have posted about before, that literally, and I'm not kidding you, LITERALLY changed and rocked my world, right to the core. Starting at minute 5:40 or so, I'll try to write up the words here because they are so critically important, not just for me to explain to you, but for myself as well.

"..We've had a lot of discussion on the difference between special interest friends and intimate friends and how from the outside an NT, looking at a relationship between an aspergian and an NT that could look like as if it's intimate is actually nothing more than a special friendship. One example would be a professor and a student, where the student to some degree looks like he or she is idolizing a professor, but it's a very platonic thing."

T.A. "It is, but those with aspergers might idolize intellect, not physique. In other words, they're not necessarily having a crush, in terms of wanting a sexual relationship, they're admiring the intellect of that person. Another component is the tendencies to assume that people are sexually orientated. Many people with aspergers are what I call asexual, they're not interested in a sexual relationship with someone. They're interested in an intellectual relationship and may be very enthusiastic and for that, but people will project onto that person, that their motives are sexual. 'NO! It's the brain I'm interested in, it's the ideas that I'm interested in, not physical.'"

"That frames up her question nicely. She's wondering how to protect these people that are involved in this non romantic special interest relationship. So it is in her best interest to say 'This is my sister the student, she is not looking at him as a sexual object, she is admiring his intellect."

T.A. "Oh, absolutely. And in aspergers intellect can be one of the most important, if not THE most important, personality characteristics that you admire in people. So it's the intellect I'm interested in, not that person in terms of a sexual relationship. And in fact, the person with aspergers is then horrified, that people would, 'But no! I'm interested in his ideas, I'm interested in what he says because it's so fascinating.' But the degree of passion for the ideas is assumed to be a sensual/sexual passion. But it's an intellectual passion. Now, I don't know whether you're allowed to do this, but I would say it creates an intellectual orgasm. Whether you can actually put this on youtube, or whether, I don't know. But that intellectual orgasm is so enjoyable it's better than an interpersonal orgasm."

"Well, okay, is that something that we try to explain to other NTs?"

T.A. "Yes, because otherwise they'll misinterpret. The person whos the focus of this usually recognizes its not sexual, it's not sensual, because they just sense that it's the mind that's being explored. And other people think 'Oh with that degree of adulation, there must be a hidden agenda, she's doing this so she can appeal to that person to get higher grades, to use a bit of the sort of strategies that could be used to tempt someone', and that's not their intention."

"Why are we as NTs sometimes so disgusting in the conclusions we draw?"

"Because we're looking at ourselves and what we would do in that situation, and realize there can be completely different motives."

That was a lot of work, but so important.

I can see almost every piece of that fits into the situation in which I found myself. I wish someone had had the knowledge in which to explain that to me, to him, back then. I wish someone had had enough of an ability to diagnose me with aspergers! Give me some answers, give me some reasons, give me some explanation for so many things.

But, even though this was above and beyond one of the greatest times of my life, it was, at the same time, one of the most confusing.

He is absolutely brilliant. He knew what he was teaching, he didn't just read it out of some book. And he loved it and made me love it, which is great because now I love Biblical history too! 

I wasn't horrified at the suggestion that it was romantic because I didn't know any better. I believed what I was told, because that's what happens to naive people in school where you honestly sense you aren't as "street smart" as everyone else, so you believe what they are projecting onto you, your friendships/relationships, and your life. And to hear Tony Attwood say "The person who's the focus of this usually recognizes its not sexual, it's not sensual, because they just sense that it's the mind that's being explored." is amazing, because like I said, he never treated me differently, no matter what I was told by other adults, no matter what it seemed like. It's almost like he knew and understood what it was, but didn't really have the words or explanation for it himself, so it must be what everyone is saying... maybe they even projected onto him what it was, because no one had the words, insight, knowledge or sense to see it any other way. Though, parts of me hesitate to assume he thought anything, I'm just thinking of it from my angle both as the student involved and the adult looking back with more wisdom and just plain knowledge than I had back then.

And the only reason I'm bringing this all back up is because it comes up from time to time. I am doing some different things - counseling/life coaching style things - and a phone group discussion I was faced with "other people's projections" as someone who apparently knows me made the comment of how they were "afraid for me" during that time.

Afraid of what, exactly? That's what I would like to know.

And unfortunately, as I think about it and roll it around in my head (because that's what I do with everything in my life), I realize with a sinking feeling in my stomach that every single person who knew, every single person who was around in my life back then, every single person in the school, they all knew, and they all projected onto me their assumptions of what was going on. And further, they talked about me behind my back, whether to him or not, I may never know. And they haven't forgotten, and they still think of me on those terms. They were worried. I don't know if they were worried I'd get hurt, or if they were worried I would embarrass myself, or if they were worried that I would come on to him, or do something inappropriate, I don't know what they were worried about. I was a rule following, card carrying perfectionist, but I would break ranks to come on to a teacher because, in their eyes, I was in love.

And, even if I were in love with him, even when I believed it was true, I followed the rules. I knew what was right and wrong, and I don't think that I would have ever done anything that I would have viewed as crossing the line. I knew and understood there was a line. Others made no mistake to remind me of the line as well, as if they thought they were telling me something I didn't already know.

The problem, maybe, is that what I did do they viewed as crossing some line.

As an aspie, again, I related better with adults. And that made other adults uncomfortable. They just didn't know what they didn't know.

Which brings me to my title: Nothing About Us Without Us. 

It's just good life principle to not make assumptions about other people's intentions, motives, thoughts, words, actions, without first checking with them, and clarifying if necessary ("I hear you saying ______, is that right?)
How much difference would it have made, in both my life back then, and as a whole, if someone had just asked me what my intentions were, what I liked him for? And maybe I wouldn't have had the words to tell them either. But I still feel there would have been a drastic, clear difference between someone who literally wanted to get him into bed with him, and me who just wanted to pick his brain, have deep conversations about things that mattered, and learn from him! It should have been obvious to any logical adult, but I guess they had already made their minds up what it was, and didn't think it was necessary to ask

I think everyone who reads this needs to be aware of this human tendency to make assumptions instead of asking. We need to not talk about people as if they are unable to be a part of the conversation, whether autistic or NT. I don't care if they are nonverbal, we need to stop putting words into the mouths of others, our thoughts into their brains, our motives into their motives. From kids to adults, disability or not, we need to make no judgements on people, and allow everyone the benefit of the doubt. For the most part, I believe that most humans are just trying to do the best they know how. Obviously there are exceptions to that, and that's too bad. But we shouldn't let those exceptions be the rule for all people, especially not people we know, especially not our friends. And even more critical to teach those things to kids, so they don't have to be adults who have to change.

Nothing about ANYONE, without THEM. Let the subject of the rumor have the voice. Don't be afraid to ask people, using discretion to privacy when possible or necessary. Catch yourself when you are starting to make judgements about someone's intentions (yes, I did catch my own judgements above, I don't really have the ability to go back and ask every single one of those people what they think anymore - I'm talking when you do it in your present life, with your current relationships.) And stop others from doing it. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Give people the other side of the coin. Be the one who says "Well, maybe it's not like you say."

You might just change someone's world that way.

Yes, More. Friendships SUCK

Have I mentioned yet that I have huge trouble with friendships?

First of all, meeting people and making friends. Pretty much impossible without some kind of outside intervention. I don't seek out social opportunity. And usually I try to avoid talking to people when I am out. It usually takes them being completely outgoing and unconcerned that I try to not talk to them. And I suppose most of the time that is why us introverts get called things like "snobby" or "stuck up". Trust me, that is the farthest thing from what we are. All those terms do is shove us back into hiding, and reaffirm our fears that people suck.

I am an all in or nothing kind of person. If I want to be your friend, I'll want to dive in headfirst. I'll want to invite you to things, talk to you about anything, tell you my life's story pretty much.

And again, I think that makes people think im "pushy" or "nosy"... so I've gotten to the point where if you don't offer up the information, I probably am not going to ask. Or, I'll have to spend crazy amounts of time convincing myself that it's okay to ask something. Then I'll probably chicken out a million times, and end up asking you over social media. Because #introvertsrollthatway

Then there's distance.
And even when there isn't distance, there's busy-ness. Being too busy. 

Then there's the lack of return communication. That could mean either they don't respond to me in a conversational way (like, they answer questions so briefly that I feel embarassed I asked them anything), or they see the message AND DON'T RESPOND AT ALL! CURSE YOU SOCIAL MEDIA FOR LETTING US KNOW WHEN PEOPLE VIEWED THINGS!!

That is the worst. I mean, you KNOW that social media shows me you saw it. And you don't respond?

There are rare occasions when I would not respond after reading something, and one of those is when I'm having a bit of a rough time with someone. I have learned, the HARD WAY, to step back a couple of days when having an issue with someone. I get it, I hate it too when someone doesn't respond when they viewed my message.

And don't get me started about not returning text messages, ever. (BROTHER!!!)

But the thing is, friendships suck. I can't stand it. There are all these unspoken rules, there are all these expectations, and I get let down all the time. I think someone is my friend, then they seem like they are completely ignoring me! I can't figure it out! Then they act like they're my bestie for like 5 minutes, and then again we're back to the doubt and the inactivity and the ignoring, or something. 

Seriously.

I don't consider myself a high maintenance person. I don't expect people to hang around me all the time or something.
But a little interaction couldn't hurt, right? 

I think part of friendships is to make each other feel good, right? And there's the not so good parts where they help you grow.
But the ignoring? The half answers?

I feel like I can trust someone, then they just leave me hanging? I mean, I come to you for help, or advice, or something and you just give me nothing, or you give me barely something?

I end up feeling like they hate me. Like I'm just an annoyance taking up their precious time. 

I guess in another post tonight I touched on the fact that I shouldn't expect people to act like I would act in a situation.
But what if I can't help it?
What if I prefer to think people would take the time, and they don't, and I still end up hurt?

I feel like I bond with someone, and they don't agree. Like, unrequited love or something, only this is unrequited friendship.

It is very frustrating and heartbreaking. 

I'm really tired of it.

If You Want To Make God Laugh.... A Word on Change and Shock in ASD

Tell Him your plans.

That's right. Make plans, be confident and sure of them, and wait.

Change is not something that ASDs have an easy time with. In fact, the more we can plan ahead, and prepare for things, the better. No surprise parties (though no one has ever thrown me one, I'm fairly certain I wouldn't like it because I would never be prepared for that much social activity).

Anyway, be gentle with your ASD when it comes to change. It doesn't matter if the change is the food you're serving for lunch (been there with my son!), or a change in plans (like going to go somewhere and then not having the money - again, been there!) Give them some time.

Don't be quick to congratulate for something when they are still trying to recover from the shock of change. ASDs can be surprisingly stubborn, irrational, even mean and panicky when they're still recovering from a shock. Please be gentle on your loved one or friend. Let them pour out their feelings of overwhelm and fear and pain and frustration and guilt.

I know through experience that all this happens. Sometimes it lasts 5 minutes. Sometimes it lasts for days. Point is that you have to give them space if they want, or the ear they need to just listen, or the shoulder they need to just cry on. Give them some time.

Do not mistake their smiling for happiness, sometimes ASD means poor emotional facial expressions. (Great, it's already hard for us to tell when you're kidding, but now I'm telling you its hard to tell when we are too?)
 I can't tell you the number of times something happened and I ended up stuck smiling, leaving the person thinking I'm joking or not serious. It's hard to defend yourself when you're smiling like its all a big joke, even though you know it's not, and don't even feel that it is, but your face deceives you.

Above all, follow their cue. Don't try to tell them that they are being ridiculous. Don't try to tell them that they don't make sense. Don't brush off their feelings, because they are real, and deep! Just bear with them, it is likely it will pass, but the way you made them feel won't.

For Aspies, Friendships & Socializing SUCKS - Here's Why

Like many other Aspies, I struggle with friendships. As a child, I'm told and have vague memories of having friends over and ending up at some point reading books and not playing with my friends. I hated being prompted to go play with them, though no one really knew why. (I picture my mom like the mother of Jesus, just keeping these little things in her heart until she found a sensible answer - which she eventually did - even if no one else cared/believed it mattered.)

So, my sister would end up playing with my friends. Though she didn't seem to mind because she liked people. HAha! I don't know, I've never asked her. But she was always the "people person" one.

I would even avoid activities at other birthday parties. One party I specifically remember they were going to watch "Coneheads" - we couldn't have been 10 years old? I knew my mom didn't want me to watch it, and I didn't "get it" anyway, so I stayed in the other room and played Barbies. Quite happily, I'll add. (Sidenote: I have since twice tried to watch it, and I can't even fathom how it could be entertaining. Sidenote: Dan Aykroyd says he has Aspergers too, and it is often said that Aspie humor can be a little out there!)

Another time everyone was going to go snowmobiling, and I didn't want to go. We must have been like 6 or 7 I think? I think I was under the impression that some of the kids were driving snowmobile, and I didn't think it was a smart idea, so I just stayed back. I don't remember what I did, or even if anyone was with me! But I probably enjoyed the quiet! I may have a flash of visiting with an adult, another common thing for an Aspie kid to do. But I'm really not sure if that memory flash belongs in that particular story.

As a teen, I had a group of friends off and on, but twice the "leader" dropped me with no explanation or sensible reason. The first was one of those "about-face" situations that Aspies seem to find themselves in, where you are lead to believe one thing and then BOOM, they pull the run out from under you and turn on you after they just strung you along! The other I still, to this day, have no idea what happened or why. I sometimes struggle with thinking I have forgiven them both, because who cares anymore, but really, I wonder if I have if I can't forget that it happened, and wondering why. (Aspies end up dwelling on things, see? Does dwelling = unforgiveness?) But, moving on here...

As an adult, friendships are no more clear than they were as a kid. It is literally like everyone else got "the book", and I didn't. Believe me, if there was a book, and someone just handed it to me, I would have read it! Because I read books. However, there is a chance I wouldn't have been interested and still not read it, and it's too late now, I don't have time to read! 

Seriously. There are too many rules. And not all the rules apply to all friends all the time. They only apply sometimes. In my case, a lot of rules only apply if you live in a 5 mile vicinity, which no one does.

Listen, I don't think I am high maintenance. I don't need to 'hang out' or do stuff all the time. I don't want to be around people that badly that often. And yes, I get it when people don't have the ability/money to drive to my place,, and that the times I am where they are is usually never convenient, because we don't go out LOL. (Don't even get me started on the fact that you can't even make plans with people because they will NEVER say "Oh, great! I will put you on the schedule and not let anything interfere with this!" Most people will never, have never, unless you're the bestie.)

But still, even though I am not in need of frequent interaction, it is still nice to feel like you matter to people you consider your friends, right? Wouldn't it be nice if they could come through for you when you think they should come around? 

Which is what hit me tonight. These rules that I think apply to all friendships really don't. They must not apply to any friendships. Or only some of them, under some circumstances? I don't get it. I mean, as an Aspie, I am trying to take in information all the time to guide my social behavior, but when the rules don't apply, or only apply to certain people in certain situations, or only apply for certain people, or apply here, but not there, or for them but not me, I get so lost. I'm trying to make sense of the social world by taking in the information from what I see around me. I try to figure out how to act, socially, by seeing how others are acting. Then it goes into my mental "rule book". Of course, by the time I have to access that information to use it, it's no longer valid. Maybe because I'm with new people, or a new situation, or whatever. Still, if you are playing by a rule book that is constantly changing and never the same even with the same people, it can be confusing!

You might think maybe I should forget about the "rule book". You. Don't. Get. It.

Imagine you are on another planet. Literally. You don't speak the language, their mannerisms are strange to you, and you don't know what to do. Naturally, you start taking notes, either mentally or even on paper, about their interactions, any noises or "words" they use during certain interactions, and you start piecing together the puzzle of their language and interactions. However, you spend your entire life doing this, and you never seem to be able to pick out any pattern for any word, interaction or mannerism.

This is kinda like what it is like to be an Aspie in the social world. It's literally like living on the wrong planet. I'm taking notes, and trying to give myself safe guidelines to abide by when socializing, but none of the rules are ever the same! And you wonder why Aspies have to limit their social time. The first 75% of social time is spent decoding the language, mannerisms and social rules of the situation at hand, likely REWRITING the previous edition. This is all happening before we feel comfortable socializing. We probably spend this whole time sitting silently, or hovering over the food if there is any, or even on our phones or something (the perfect social anxiety tool!). 

The thinking is that people with Aspergers have the problem, but I don't agree with that (of course). I think YOU all have the problem! LOL! How can you do that? Make rules, only to break them, or ignore them and not use them? Or make them in one instance, and then break them in the next? What kind of crazy people are you? (Hahaha).

Anyway, I think it is dawning on me that each friendship is indeed unique and different, and when I'm measuring the rules of friendship from one person to another it really isn't fair, is it? However, I have a horrible time figuring out the world without my mental rules, so I'm still completely lost. Now not only do my rules mean nothing, but I have to keep rules individually for every person I know, and even if I do, those rules are bound to change. And those rules might not apply to me as their friend, but only someone else? So only someone else has this particular rule, but I'm off the hook? 

I haven't even begun to think about what this means or how it works. Again you might tell me to stop worrying about the "rule book". But YOU aren't an Aspie, are you? Until you are an Aspie, stop telling me what to do in my own head. Rules help me not end up being called a freak or something. If I throw them out, then I'm the weirdo friend that no one wants to be around because they are too weird and no one understands them. I want to be understood, and not have people ignore me because I'm too weird. I had enough of that as a kid. Which, maybe, is the reason I do all this "rule" crap? 

Like it or not, even NT people have unwritten, unspoken social rules. It's just that you understand what they are, for whom they apply, and when or if they can be broken. And you can probably keep track of different ones for different people. Aspies don't have that benefit of being able to determine all that stuff. So there.

 Maybe that is why I feel so connected to people who's friendship has maybe ran past its expiration date in my life. I miss people, just as intensely as I miss my current friends. Even people I haven't seen or talked to in over 10 years I still want to pop back into my life just like they've been here all along. I don't "get" this whole "friendship for a season" thing. I do understand when I have a disagreement and things get awkward, but I don't understand that some people are okay with that, and I'm the only one feeling awkward. 

Do you have any idea, right now, what it feels like to socialize with Aspergers?

Arguementative

Are all aspies arguementative? Do we all argue with people? Or worse, do we argue with other aspies? Is there something about aspergers that leads to butting heads all the time?

I mean for this one to be a conversation, and I'd like anyone reading this to chime in. If you have found that aspies you know to be arguementative, and if you are an aspie if you find yourself to be arguementative, or something.

Parenthood, Hank, and Adam & Kristina

Hank's storyline on Parenthood is really close to my heart because I have experienced the same situation as an adult finding out about yourself and that there is reason for you to be different and what that difference could be. At this point they do not seem to be going to concrete a diagnosis for Hank, which I find disappointing. I think making it more concrete would be a relief and a lot of fun to have a character diagnosed as an adult. This is something that is happening more often today than it has in the past, based not on increased prevalence, but increased knowledge. I think there are many more adults out there who are autistic, and even more celebrities that are autistic in real life that are just undiagnosed. I like to see them get diagnosed, and put a face to the reorder of the brain that is aspergers/autism.

There have been few scenes involving Adam and Kristina, the parents of Max who has aspergers. They have thought it has been great that Max has a place to go, and those brief interactions have been pretty nice to see. After Max's meltdown over a broken promise, Adam is thoughtful enough to hand Hank a book on aspergers in hopes that it will help Hank understand Max. What Hank ends up finding is himself, and the following scenes have been brief but pretty special.

In one scene Adam and Kristina talk about Hank possibly having aspergers being a window into what kind of life Max might have. Mindblowing as it may seem to people who don't have any experience with aspergers, but we can, and do, live successful lives with spouses, children and even jobs. We aren't the party hardy ones, but we are out there living normal, successful (at least in our eyes) lives, and we're pretty okay with what we've got. That was a pretty good scene because yes, it does happen and yes, we have positive futures!

In another series of scenes, Adam tries to include Hank in something, and I think it was rooted in the idea of getting to know more about Hank, and more about what kind of thoughts and life he has as an adult who might possibly be similar to his own son. Even strongly defending Hank to his brother Crosby, who calls him a freak and thinks its weird and wrong to include him. Believe me, this happens more than you would think, even in adult life, where when we're just a little weird, we're excluded and left on the outside because of that weirdness. It isn't fair, but it happens all the time, and honestly we'd rather be alone and not social than deal with that mess. When Hank seems to make it difficult, he's just defending his comfort in what they were doing, and the idea that he shouldn't have to change "for fun" - believe me change isn't fun, especially changing rules because rules aren't supposed to change! However, that being said, if someone had said to him in the beginning that there would be a rule change at some point during the night, he may have been more prepared.

In addition, Hank takes what happens and misunderstands most of it, thinking that it was all his fault, and Adam did a great job of just calming it down and saying no man, it's not you to blame for everything and that it was okay to feel that way. Adam was great through that whole scene. Obviously, taking aspergers into consideration for who you are talking to, you automatically understand the limitations or feelings of a person, and you respond accordingly, unlike everyone else who was responding treating Hank like a normal person, who would purposely try to ruin the fun. In Adam's mind, it was entirely different, and it made him look like a very kind person and an ally that Hank can trust. But, too, this is Adam's kid's "future", hypothetically, so he feels a great connection to defending Hank because he feels as if he knows more now about where Hank is coming from in the light of aspergers, just as he knows his own son and where he is coming from through the light of aspergers.

In life we make excuses for people when they are rude, or having a hard time. We understand when they are feeling badly because of job issues, or marriage issues, or exhaustion, or illness. We are sensitive to them when they are going through depression or loss. We are kind and helpful to them when they are going through a major illness or injury or when they are hurting from something. People don't often take those same considerations for others when there is no apparent cause for their behavior. 

We have to face the facts here: most adults with aspergers are undiagnosed, don't even realize they may be autistic and aren't looking for any diagnosis, and even some that are diagnosed aren't sharing that information with the entire world. When you encounter someone who is difficult, its highly likely that they are not just trying to be a jerk. However, in our frustration and anger, instead of trying to understand and help each other, we fly off the handle thinking we know the other person's intentions were negative and we have to respond in anger and such because we don't put up with that kind of treatment. When was the last time we ever stopped to consider that maybe the other person wasn't doing something on purpose, but had a legitimate reason or even misunderstanding for what they did or said? 

That person who told you that your haircut made your face look f at; maybe they weren't trying to tell you how ugly you were (which is how that would easily be interpreted - lets be honest, mostly by women) but they were trying to be honest with you? Aspies are notoriously honest, and if you're fishing for compliments sometimes you have to be up front with that instead of wanting an honest answer. Don't ask for honesty if you can't handle it. And that's just one example of what kinds of things aspies might do. 

I'm not saying all people who seem like jerks aren't really jerks, but honestly, I think we need to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes, and think before we respond. We aren't responsible for what others do to us, but we are responsible for what we do to them. 

Anyway, it may seem crazy how I got to the end from where I began, but I really love how the character of Adam is playing this story and I hope to see much more of this.

Sleepovers

How do Aspies deal with sleepovers?

I honestly do not remember how I ever did, IF I ever did. I wasn't the kind of person who was invited to go places very often. I do remember a few birthday parties that I went to. One, everyone decided to go snowmobiling, and I didn't think that it was an appropriate activity for a bunch of kids our age to be doing alone and in the dark. Another, everyone else decided to watch a movie that I was sure my mom didn't like, so I went in the other room and played by myself while they watched the movie. (I still havent watched that movie to this day to be honest. It was only Coneheads, but I haven't ever seen it.)

My son is having trouble with sleepovers. He is absolutely fine if the sleepover is at his own house, but to sleep over at someone else's house is a major undertaking for him. First and foremost seem to be the smell of other people's houses gets to him. Or whether or not the house is organized and neat, or not so much. Then there is the food that is served. Though those things are usually not even on the radar at home, when he goes somewhere else they are on the forefront of his mind. I know that the people he sleeps over with are not necessarily offended by his comments, but I am starting to see that he doesn't realize that those comments could be insulting. 

So how did you, or your Aspie kids, deal with sleepovers?