Comments on a Blog Post: Autistic Regression and Fluid Adaptation - Musings of an Aspie

I've been having a hard time lately. I've been really tired, and not feeling well, all the fun things that happen when you get pregnant.

But it's been more than that. I've felt kinda paralyzed. Got ahold of the therapy place where we got tested, and even expressed my concern with the distance and money and stress of driving two hours one way to get to them, and they have an in home program! I start this week. B starts next week I believe. This is perfect, and a blessing, and I can't believe they will pay someone to drive for 4 hours just to see us. It's amazing and a miracle, and I can only thank God for a program like that.

That being said, it can't come fast enough. I've really been struggling and today I felt pretty down. I'm glad it was Sabbath because that meant some peace and quiet maybe. Something came up so I was pretty bummed to begin with, sadly.
But I stayed home and watched a sermon from 4 years ago. And I fully believe that good sermons are timeless, and this was one of those sermons. I'm sure 4 years ago I could have gotten something as big out of it as I got out of it today. And I could see how it could fit into the lives of several other people I know, I will be passing it on.

But tonight I was having a meltdown of sorts and kinda "word vomiting" on a patient, Godly friend that I felt safe to "word vomit" on. THEN, THIS LINK came into my fb feed. 

Talk about a revelation!

Autistic Regression and Fluid Adaptation - Musings of an Aspie

I guess I would probably never have thought to describe anything I have been feeling in this way. I would have never thought that there was such a thing, I guess. I was just under the assumption that the surprise of an unplanned pregnancy was just putting me into a new level of depression and anxiety (remember, those are "accessories" to my autism), and that therapy would probably be recommending some drugs, which I hate because they make me feel worse. Drugs are just too much for me, and probably are for most autistic people. 

But THIS?! This has kinda rocked my world tonight. This is precisely what it feels like in my brain. This idea plugged right into my brain and said "BINGO". 

Right now, I'm understandably under a lot of stress, anxiety, AND all the fun symptoms that normally go along with pregnancy like sickness, exhaustion, out of breath, whatever. And any woman who has been pregnant can attest to the fact that pregnancy steals enough of your brain to begin with, but put all that other stuff on top of my ASPIE brain, and you have definitely got too many air conditioners working overtime right now, and its time for a blackout. 

I KNEW I was better than this. I KNEW that I used to be able to handle things better. I've just lost that ability right now. It feels good, I guess, to think that it's not permanent, and I'm readjusting like everyone does, and that I will likely find some kind of handle on things. I'm really bad at asking for help, (not that I have many real capable people to ask to help me in the first place) so I think maybe I need to improve on that somehow. There are other things that I know play into this, that I know I NEED to change too. But to know that my list of things is a bit shorter is a relief. I feel lighter. And tired.

"When this happens, an issue that was previously “fixed” can suddenly appear to be “broken” again."

So I can "fix" it again, but probably in new ways. And yes, it might get "broken" again. 

I just hope these therapy people have some kind of understanding of this when they come. But if they don't, I'm keeping this blog post handy to use to give them some info. Because this makes a difference to me. I'm sure it can make a difference to someone else too. 

Self Care Means...

Even in my 30s, I'm still learning what self care means for me.

One thing I've always known is that I need alone time. It is hard to get with kids and stuff, so mostly (right now) I'm getting alone time after bedtime. That isn't really working well though. So I am trying to be in transition to do some things differently. Especially since there is this other baby on the way. If there are going to be 3 kids in this house, and only one mama, I'm going to definitely prioritize some self care. How, I wonder.

Self care also means knowing when you've had enough, before you've had enough. It means literally unplugging life. Like when you put your computer on 'sleep' mode, just run your operating system in the background, and shut down all unnecessary functioning. It might vary as to what means "unnecessary" to you, but for me definitely socializing is OUT. I cannot socialize, even with my own family, when I've reached meltdown mode. It becomes movie time for the kids.

 And believe me, I reach meltdown mode. I might be an adult, and I might not be collapsing onto the floor, but I still have meltdowns. My brain literally just can't take any more and it starts shutting down on it's own like a nuclear reactor. I even feel myself needing to be mute. And we wonder why our ASD kids don't talk to us? We scratch our heads over selective mutism? I know why; the brain just can't handle it. The brain has reached maximum output ability, and that's it. No more.

I feel like that's what has happened to kids with autism who don't speak. Whether it is a drug, medicine, or something else, they are living in meltdown mode, and their own body is holding them to basic functions. And, kids reach meltdown mode a lot faster than adults do because they just don't have the life practice to help themselves. And if the cause is out of their control or understanding, what are they supposed to do?

 And realizing how fast and easy I reach meltdown mode, I feel horrible for ever assuming my kid should be able to do or handle something, when I am realizing that he just can't. Because I'm realizing that I just can't either. 

Self care means shutting off the phone, shutting off all forms of communication, verbal or nonverbal (text/online). Because you will still overwhelm yourself, even if the interaction is only in words. And you will be less able to accurately determine intent in the words, and likely will misinterpret things too. 

We have to help ourselves understand that if we do not take the time to recover, we will likely end up in "debt". Remember, only basic functioning will be running, so it will be pretty tough to do anything anyway. You can either take a break, or put your eggs in the garbage and the shells in the batter. You can either realize you need to step back and remove yourself from social life, or end up borrowing from tomorrow's "spoons", to use a popular special needs theory. Then tomorrow you will be no better than you are today, and you will repeat the process until you get the self care you need to recover properly.

I'm still learning how to do this. I think in this day and age when everyone has cell phones, we feel like we might miss something critical if we don't have our phones on. While it's possible that, something bad will happen if you take a break from your phone, but if you haven't taken theat break, you would be even less able to deal with it than before you took the break. 

The only thing I wish for is longer breaks. And the ability to cancel the entire day to recover. But life doesn't stop sometimes. Sometimes you have to keep on keeping on. That is the most exhausting thing ever. But there may be some things you can do to maintain until you can get more self care time.

Don't forget healthy food or a good walk in quiet peaceful nature, if you can find it.

Finally, sleep. Any catnap can help you recover. It might be really hard to get a nap with kids, but never underestimate the power of 'mom ears'. I might be "deaf" (you'd have to ask my family), but for some reason I always hear what trouble is happening when I catnap. 

Anyway, I keep learning more and more about myself, and without ASD, I wouldn't really know what to do with me.

Meltdown

http://musingsofanaspie.com/2012/12/13/anatomy-of-a-meltdown/

Read the above.

Then realize that I have those same feelings, although I do not remember ever wanting to bang my head, I have other tics that I do instead.

Meltdowns and feelings deserve respect and space, not advice and pats on the back.