I need to get better at time management, or focus, or something. I need to post on this blog more! I have gotten some nice traffic in the past, but its because I'm not posting consistently that I don't have better traffic!
Anyway, today it was brought to my attention that I am actually helping people that I know by doing this blog. Not just to help them understand me, but perhaps that they would understand someone else.
Chances are that anyone who thinks I am rude is not reading this blog. Unfortunately. But this is a very important aspect of Aspergers that I MUST tackle because I know that I have done things in the past that have upset people, and I didn't know it until it was too late.
We do not mean to be rude. We likely don't even know we ARE being rude, which is why we would "act" mystified when you tell us we are being rude. Like I said, we are not saying or doing what we are saying or doing in order to be rude. I want to make that clear right off the bat.
It would be helpful as a NT if you would say EARLY ON in the conversation anything that would make it clear why you are talking to us about something.
For example, if you don't want me to offer solutions to fix a problem, and you don't tell me that, chances are I'm going to try to offer a way to fix the problem. For many things, to me, the solution is painfully simply. You may not like the solution but it is the perfect solution (in my mind). And once you've opened yourself up to my solutions (by bringing up the topic), then it is sometimes hard for me to bite my tongue. I feel an urge to respond, almost the same as the urge to go to the bathroom.
For example: (and this is totally hypothetical)
To the person who has a lingering bad cough but smokes, my solution is QUIT SMOKING.
Few things make me as confused as the person struggling with a bad cough, but is sucking down another smoke. Um, you know that's bad for you right? You know that you are inhaling chemicals and things into your lungs that don't belong there right? You can claim that the cough comes from a cold, but people get over colds in the span of a week, smokers it can hang on for weeks upon weeks. I know because I've seen it happen. Quitting can immediately being reversing the damage caused by smoking, and that cough would be less of a problem, or wouldn't be an issue with the next cold you get.
Some smokers are in denial. Some smokers don't want to believe you. Some smokers are scared the cough means something worse....
Now, to a smoker, go ahead and tell me how that makes you feel?
I have learned (I had to LEARN THIS PEOPLE!) that this can make smokers pretty upset. Most smokers KNOW smoking is bad for them. They know that it can cause X, Y, and Z. The urge to smoke greatly outweighs the fact that they know they should quit, because quitting is hard!
Fact of the matter is, what I'm saying is TRUE. It is. It just isn't "nice" according to some wierdo social rules or something. You just don't walk around telling people the truth like that. I don't know why, I really don't. And I'm NOT trying to be rude, or hurt anyone's feelings. The fact that I know they know its true doesn't help, because in my mind, if you KNOW something is hurting you, why are you still doing it? Why did you even start doing it? But, I've never been a smoker, and I've been told "you just don't understand how hard it is". Got me there.
Sometimes, in order to avoid pushing someone's buttons, or making them offended by giving them my "perfect solutions", I decide to "emotionally check out" from a relationship with them. I have never had anyone seem to notice. But then, typically by that point, I've already had conversations with them that have maybe already offended them, so they probably didn't miss me. Maybe they do, but its not like the run back to tell me about it. It's complicated.
Basically, if someone says something, I offer my best and most perfect solution, and they don't like it, all I really want is a "thank you for that thought" or something. I don't understand why something I said could be so awful that they would immediately take it super personally. My opinions or even truths have nothing to do with how I feel about them as a person. I'm not trying to be rude. I'm not trying to offend. I'm not trying to point fingers at or otherwise demean another person. I'm only offering what I think of as the best and most perfect solution. Unless I've been prewarned that they don't want the solution, its really hard not to offer it! Especially when its such a clear and simple answer. And if there weren't some truth to what I have to offer, would they feel the same way about it? If smokers didn't already know they should quit, would they be as offended by someone telling them they should? What I'm trying to say is that sometimes the fact that they are faced with the cold hard truth is guilt provoking, and because I'm the one who delivered the solution, I'm the one they get mad at? (Again, totally illogical behavior to blame me for their own guilt....)
I have learned to rein this in. Sometimes I emotionally disconnect. Sometimes I tune out any and all related conversation. Sometimes I am actually able to say something constructive but thats pretty rare (I think of all the "good" responses later! LOL).
So, really, I just want my input to be appreciated, or I'd like to be warned beforehand that a person isn't looking for a perfect solution or my solution. I don't typically talk just to converse, really.
From this link:
"He notes the Asperger child’s different perception of the world around them and their own unique way of experiencing sensory events. He points out their strong need “to seek knowledge, truth and perfection,” but they just do it differently than more typical children. To them, the solving of the problem is more important than what others might think about them: They see details, as opposed to the whole."
TOTALLY!!
