Overwhelm In Florida

Part of the fun of being an adult diagnosed aspie is looking back at my life, and even remembering specific moments, and being able to explain to myself, or others, why things were a certain way for me, or why I behaved a certain way.

I thought of just one of those times recently, and I couldn't get it out of my head. So I get to put that to words now!

When I was in school, we got to take a band trip to Florida for an All American Music Festival! It was literally a once in a lifetime opportunity. They didn't return to Florida for that again until last year, 15-16 years after we went (or so). We had the band, choir and a smaller group of us in show choir! Basically, for a few years, or one year, they had a required class up against choir in the schedule. So many of us couldn't take choir, so we made up our own choir group that met in the morning before school, and we did show tunes and stuff like that. We sang and did choreography. It was pretty genius, looking back.

Well, when we went, of course it included things like Disneyworld, Epcot, and Animal Kingdom (if I remember right).

I think the moment I am thinking of was after a long day at Disneyworld. Now, it's March, but in Florida. We left Minnesota in snow, and came back to more sticky wet snow (which felt great on sunburns). So it was warm. And you've just stuck an undiagnosed aspie into a VERY busy place. I had a pretty good time, despite being hung out to dry by a friend. She teased me about calling my favorite teacher, really strung me along quite a while, then flipped the switch and started calling me a freak and really spazzing out on me. I ended up in my mom's room (she was a chaperone, luckily) and ended up wandering around with her. But still, as fun as it might have been, and as beautiful and exciting, after a long day doing that, I was pretty much exhausted. I wasn't just tired physically either, I was emotionally exhausted. Top that off with some overstimulation (which none of us would have realized was happening) and you have a pretty unhappy picture!

So, we get to the parking lot and something had happened with the buses, like ours wasn't there or the one there had broke down or something. I don't remember. But I know there was a long long wait for our bus. And because they were bored, they decided we would do some of our songs or something. Which doesn't bother me, until they wanted to do show choir songs and choreography. I DID NOT WANT TO. I don't know how long it went on, but I did NOT want to do it. I tried to tell them I was tired, I didn't feel like it, just do it without me, just leave my place open or whatever in the lines and just do it themselves. But they would NOT leave me alone and finally forced me to do it. I hated the fact that I was ignored and disrespected and it marred my experience. A lot of that came from the fact that no one understood my needs or why I felt that way. 

Looking back now, I know I was just overwhelmed, and forcing someone to cooperate or socialize, who's spent all day in a loud, noisy, sunny, hot walkabout isn't really a good idea.

I still to this day do not know what their problem was with just doing it without me. There is no reason that they had to force me to do it. I really don't. They could have done it without me while I continued to recover from the day. Then oddly so many people called it a highlight. Really? A highlight, but at my expense. Thanks.

I see my son all the time becoming uncooperative and overwhelmed and not wanting to participate. There are many times when it is unavoidable and he has to continue the course. But when there are situations when we can avoid it, we put him somewhere where he can be alone and get over it himself. That is very effective, actually.
Had they just left me alone, they wouldn't have aggravated me more than I already was, and I might have joined in when I was ready all on my own without their forceful coercion. That would have made the experience much happier, and comfortable, and memorable.

Which leads into just a general comment on respect. 

We as humans need to start paying attention to our own actions. We need to accept that people can only give what they give, do what they do, offer what they offer, whatever. We often have expectations of people that are not always fair. We can't expect everyone to be the same. Worse is when you have to realize that you can't expect everyone to be the same kind of person you are. I've lost friends over this. When you expect people will drive the same mile for you that you do for them, you will eventually be disappointed. And with some people, you will be disappointed OFTEN. 

We need to give people their autonomy. We need to be able to ask them to participate, and not force them. We need to accept a "no" for an answer, and let them join in when they are ready. Having an argument and forcing them will only lead to scars. I know it did for me. I don't lose sleep at night, but I can still hear their critical voices basically telling me I was stupid for trying to stand up for my own needs to recover. Their voices still ring in my head as clear as if it were yesterday.

Some people will remember things like that too. They will remember the scars you left behind, but not so much any good you did.

And again, teenagers have brain damage, and don't act rationally. :P 

Give Us Time

There is something that just came to me as I was sitting around here thinking about things. 

I've started to realize that for myself, I need a minute or two to adjust to some things. I'm a planner by nature, and I tend to plan things, even just in my own head, about how the day might go, or what we might do today, tomorrow, etc. I don't always share these thoughts or plans, but it might just be an unconscious thing that happens in order to help me feel less anxious. 

Then, typically my husband come in and tells me something he's doing, or something that we were invited to do, and it shakes me. I usually am VERY resistant at first, frustrated, trying to keep it together sometimes, other times I kinda lose it and get cranky and/or silent.

However, after a short period of time, I'm okay with it. I just needed some time to repaint the picture I had in my head.

I've thought about this often with other people who I know who I am assuming are undiagnosed autistics. I can sense their resistance when something unexpected happens to them, or is asked of them. I can sense their hesitation to agree, or say yes to, whatever just happened. I have to give them time. Usually, if I am lucky enough to ask them ahead of time, then I can not expect an answer right away, and I can ask them the next day or something for confirmation. 

So, to make this short, pay attention to the people in your life. As I've said before, I fully believe that there are many many people in the world who are undiagnosed and will not ever be diagnosed. Pay attention to what people need, and think about it, and adjust accordingly. That difficult family member or coworker in your life might just be autistic, and if you adjust your thinking, you might be able to find a way to make a positive out of the sometimes difficult.

Credit

So, I have over 12,000 views! And 16 followers! That seems amazing! Welcome anyone who may be new, and thanks for following and reading.

I love suggestions about things you may want to talk about. 

I'm going to just write a quick note about something I thought of randomly. Adults with Aspergers.

This whole idea that there is an epidemic of autism is not something I agree with. I look all over the place and I see adults who have so many of the characteristics and signs of Aspergers, it is amazing. And don't tell me I'm making things up, because if anyone knows an Aspie, its an Aspie. 

The point is that we are out there. We are in the thousands and hundreds of thousands and maybe millions. We are undiagnosed and functioning in society. We have jobs, spouses, kids and homes. We can make it on our own or with our partners. Some of us still live at home with our parents, but the economy doesn't make it easy on normal folks, it only makes things more difficult for those of us with struggles. We are perfectly capable of reading and adapting to situations, after all, we've had decades of practice. Think about it; any adult Aspie has had 20 years practicing in social situations. We know what works, what doesn't work, and we watch and take in details pretty quickly so we learn in different situations what works and doesn't work then too. 

So the next time you think you are encountering someone who may be difficult, who is passionate about something to the ignorance of anyone's feelings, someone who is a bit quirky or different, even frustratingly so.... consider for a moment that there are thousands and maybe millions of us who are undiagnosed, and who will remain undiagnosed for our entire lives. People in their 20s, 50s and 90s may be Aspies. Give people a break. Stop and try to be kind and understanding. Get to know us, and give us some credit that even though we might be sometimes mysterious and quirky, we are also going to be your fiercely loyal friends. You don't really want to miss out on that do you?