Zweichen & Surprising an Aspie

So, this could be baby week! I am almost certain it will be, though I don't have any verifiable proof of that (yet), but its early yet. :P Still, I have the 3rd and the 5th are both special birthdays, but I'm leaning more toward the 3rd. Either way, I am prepared for it to be this week.

Zweichen is a German word meaning "in between". Years ago I read a post from a midwife (who's actually kinda local to me) who uses this word in her midwifery practice for the time period in the end of pregnancy. (Click here: Zweichen)

It really stuck with me because it is a very strange time period! There aren't many times in your life when you can feel this way so strongly. There aren't many times in life when you have this intensity of being partially in your old life and partially in your new life. And although it might be completely more mysterious with your first, I don't think that this feeling really changes no matter how many kids you have. I think you still feel the same crazy mix of insanity, impatience, anxiety, or not wanting it to end, but wanting it to end at the same time. (Cuz, you know, babies are a lot easier to take care of before they come out, but at the same time, you want them to come out to snuggle and not make you sore and tired and feeling like a planet anymore!)

I'm definitely in this stage.

I'm impatient. I'm sore. I'm tired. I'm waiting to be done with hard part #1, and get past hard part #2! 

I'm restless. Feeling like I want to do something, but I don't know what. Sometimes I know what, but can't physically or because I'm just too tired or sore. So, it is a frustrating period of time, in a way.

There are signs I'm watching for, probably like every other woman. But, if I miss those signs, I'm going to be sorta surprised! And, as I've said before, you don't surprise an Aspie! Not really that fun! Though, I'm just in a period of waiting, so I'm half expecting and half not expecting it to happen any day, but yet, if I miss the signs, I'm still going to be surprised! 

So I'm on edge, because I don't like to be too surprised, and because I don't want to miss any signs, and because I'm stuck between this phase and that phase. The in between isn't a ball of fun (but it's not torture either), and with driving distance, I don't want to miss anything important to signal to my team either! Yet, I'm prepared if they don't make it too. 

Anyway. Thought I would post something before this all happens. I'll be back and hopefully will have more things to say about the whole experience and changes and whatever else! Thanks for following.

Autism, Pregnancy, Thoughts

I know, I know, I said I was going to work on posting more, and then I didn't post at all for a long time again!

I guess I've just been busy, tired, sore, and most of my brain power is taken up with preparing for this baby!

I'm a pretty introverted person to begin with but I think under times like this I get even more introverted, and I just have to cave in on myself, instead of being able to think outwardly.

I wish I could say I've thought of something constructive to write, but I really haven't in a long time! 

I did have a thought with myself about how my pregnancies and labors progress. I know that I am rather lucky in comparison to most because I feel I have been blessed with these super short labors that I consider to be pretty easy.

This time around, I'm left wondering if I just didn't notice all these little things or if they are just simply worse this time around. I'm more sore, most of which is probably due to just poor muscles and stuff. But also the Braxton Hicks are "worse" this time too.

Which got me to thinking, because I have these "tightenings" so long before my labors, and because this time they are so much more uncomfortable than I remember, could this mean I have some sort of variation of "puttering" into labor? I mean, really, I get more than half the work done by just having this repeated tightening thing happening without much pain. It just gets tight. It does it for months ahead, but it seems like this time and as time goes on they do get more uncomfortable. It's probably worse that I don't have much that fits me, so tight waistbands pressing on my lower abdomen doesn't feel good at all! 

So I just wonder. At what point, for me, do BH turn into a "puttering" version of labor? I guess I might never have the answer.

But I also then plug that idea into the one I already carry; that people with autism perceive pain differently. Though there's no hard and fast rule about that specifically, it works both directions: for some the pain is worse than normal, and for others it is less than normal. I definitely lean to the less is normal side. I wonder about other things too, like cavities (I haven't ever remembered having pain even though I'd been told I have a cavity), or whatever. Though I haven't been significantly injured in my life (no broken bones or anything), things like being in labor doesn't bother me as much as most people I know or have heard talk about it. Though I know that there are more things that play into that other than autism (like fear, misunderstanding a process or whatever), I still feel that something about my autism lets me feel less pain or discomfort, especially when I have a good reason for the pain like I do in labor!

When I had the mirena, I had these periods of terrible, stabbing pain. Maybe because there was an unknown (why is this during like this!), maybe it was because there didn't seem to be any purpose behind it, but these pains were worse than labor! Gladly they only lasted and hour, and ended up being because of cysts, which the body normally produces during a cycle but on BC can develop much larger than normal or burst causing a lot of pain!. 

But they were terrible. 

While my labors and deliveries I wouldn't quite view as that much. I mean, the perspective is different, pain from something "wrong" VS pain for a purpose, but I wonder if there isn't something more to the story that no one has really realized yet or something. Is there something about autism that specifically changes your perception of pain, either for good or for bad? 

So anyway.

This baby is due any time in the next few weeks, so I'm just taking it easy. I will have more to say perhaps about adding a third kid, an the fact that it was never in the plan, but this is how we are adjusting to it or something like that, eventually. But I may be quiet for a while, so I appreciate your follows anyway, and know that after we all readjust and life gets more manageable again, I will try to get focused on talking about more specific autism things again. 

Thanks!

Feeling Things Differently

I've been having a lot of french toast lately.

I wouldn't call it a "craving" though. In fact, during none of my pregnancies would I say I had a specific craving for anything in particular. With them all I wanted sugar, but I'm kinda a sugarholic to begin with. With my son I couldn't even stand the smell of meat, and with my daughter I didn't mind it. This pregnancy I have no meat aversions.

But never was there something I wanted so desperately and couldn't have it (besides the sugar, believe me, I know how bad it is...)

But I've been having french toast a lot lately. Even when I was taken out for dinner last night, I had french toast. Today for lunch I had leftover french toast. We had french toast for breakfast both Saturday and Sunday morning. 

Is that a craving?

In my previous labors, everyone always talks about how excruciating it is. I had 2 natural births, and I don't remember excruciating. I remember uncomfortable and hard work, but it was more compared to me running a marathon (and anyone who knows me should know how much I looooove running *sarcasm). 

Maybe I'm just lucky. I did have rather short births that I started out dilating weeks ahead of time for. With both I was nearly 4-5 cms before I was feeling much besides the normal tightning. Which also reminds me of people talking about how braxton hicks were so painful, and mine are nothing more than tightning or a slight ache, nothing I would even compare to having a period to be honest.

Is there just something about it, or does it really vary that much? I mean, I know that I think of things differently, I think about different things, I know I'm different because of my autism. I know many people with autism feel the same way. 

But is it different enough that literally there are physical differences that we don't feel sensations of life the same as everyone else? I'm sure not all autistic people have "low pain" births like I have. Maybe some are on the complete other end of the spectrum completely.

What I'm saying is maybe its possible that our brains take in ALL sensory information differently enough that we have a completely different life experience because of our brain differences? Literally having physical life experiences are different, either good or bad, because of our autism?

I don't know the answer. I know some people are affected by sound, like my son. I know sometimes when my brain is overwhelmed, I have a harder time with sound too. Most of the time though I'm just very hard of hearing. 

Anyway, it was just something I thought of today and figured I would write. I know it's been a while again. I just have been so distracted I haven't thought of much to say.

Thanks, and Merry Christmas!

Almost 5000!

Well, I'm almost to 5000 views! I have to say, I've never known of anything I've done that has ever had 5000 views. 

What I'd like to know from you readers is: What should I talk about? 

Obviously, the challenges of a new baby and a 6 year old is coming eventually here. Baby is still hanging on in there. About 2 more weeks until I'm actually due, and I'm perfectly happy knowing that she's still on the inside. I don't know if its just that I don't want to look "not pregnant fat", or if I'm just a lot less overwhelmed and tired knowing she's in there having all her needs met without me having to do anything really. :P It's a complicated emotion. Both with my son and this baby though, I'm in no hurry, I'm not of the mind of "let's get this baby out of there", so I'm content right now where I'm at. 

But what else should I write about? Future topic idea suggestions! Leave a a comment!

Agreed - Wish I Had A TShirt...

Edit: I'm due on June 24. The rest is accurate.

Aspergers & Pregnancy: A Sensory Nightmare

I really enjoy being pregnant. I do! I think every woman does to a certain extent. I suppose, unless you are sick the entire time.

I have found that probably do to Aspergers, and the sensory issues that come with that, I am very intolerant of feeling sick. Motion sickness is not something I can tolerate for the "fun" of a ride at the fair or something. Being ill, especially a stomach ickiness type illness, is very upsetting. It could be something as minor as hunger, and I am very disturbed by it.

Pregnancy sickness was the hardest for me. Putting it into perspective of the flu I ended up with later in pregnancy (with no stomach upset), the stomach ickiness I had at the beginning of my pregnancy was not that horrible. But to me it seemed as if it were the worst possible feeling. It never ceased to bother me. I was very irritable because of the discomfort I felt, and that carried over to everything else. Some people might say that they could still function, that they could busy themselves and almost feel better, or that people should just be able to ignore those feelings of ickiness and move on with the day as if nothing was wrong. I don't know about other Aspies (please leave your feelings about stomach upset in the comments), but for me how I feel physically and how I feel mentally are very tightly connected. To expect me to be able to separate my physical from my emotional and mental is a task I am unable to achieve. 

There have been many other symptoms that I have been intolerant of, but I guess after days and weeks of them they just become a part of the whole experience, crankiness and all. I have been very tired and uncomfortable some days from certain aches and pains, and again, that carries over to my whole emotional feeling. Then of course comes the feelings of guilt that I should be able to be more to others, be more cheerful and helpful and loving, but I cannot seem to be able to get past the physical far enough to cure the emotional.

Then there's other people.
Oh my, other people.
I tread this with caution because though this stuff drives me crazy, I tolerate it with a great amount of patience and respect. I don't mean to make anyone feel rejected or whatnot.

I am the kind of person who doesn't look at other people when I am out and about. I could be walking right past you and I probably will not see you. Eye contact is uncomfortable enough with someone I know and am talking to, it is much worse to even think about making eye contact with random strangers. I have found also that NOT making eye contact with other people means that I am "closed off" enough to not be bothered a lot of times with comments, questions or uncomfortable "hellos" from people - even people I might know, but not recognize.

Of course, near the end of pregnancy, every person you meet wants to talk about it. They want to ask you when you're due, they want to ask you what it is (girl/boy), they want to ask you how you feel, they want to tell you their stories, and worst of all, some of them want to touch you. It is hysterical that no one walks around waiting to touch other people's body parts, until you're pregnant, when it seems like everyone and their mother wants to poke and prod at your stomach. This pregnancy has been rather strange anyway, because my stomach has been sensitive to poking and prodding. Baby isn't bothering me at all, but if I bump into something (even gently), or my son or husband pokes at it, it really does hurt. That's not to say that every person who touches me hurts me, but that is a part of it. The other part is that for some reason I am just uncomfortable with it. Even with people I'm really close to. I can't really explain it, but I am just not the sort of person who does that to someone else because I would feel uncomfortable doing it, or having it done to me. 

It is the part of pregnancy where I just don't want to see anyone or go anywhere, because I'm tired of answering the same questions. Sure, everyone wants to know, and usually other people don't keep those kinds of things locked in permenant memory or anything. That's fine, I don't expect them to. But it sure would be a lot easier if I just wore a shirt that said the when, what and whatevers that people are asking me so that I wouldn't have to. Talking is exhausting. Especially when it is repetitive.

Anyway, I don't know if every pregnant woman feels this way to an extent, or if the Aspie sensitivities and sensory overload is what puts me over the edge. Other Aspies shuold weigh in on this, even men, because it would be helpful to know how Aspie men react to pregnancies too! Men might not carry the babies, but men have symptoms they go through as well. Or, if you didn't have any! 

Obsessions and Cravings

Last night I felt like I had eaten a ton of food, but nothing was satisfying enough. I still felt like eating, I still felt hungry. It was a good thing that I followed through with my plans to make potato salad! I was apparently having my first unsatiable craving. Nothing but the potato salad made it go away! Finally, I felt relieved!

I was just going to post that as a non-Aspie related post, but I realized that with Aspie obsessions, it is much the same way. Whether its rock collecting, listening to music, collecting bottle caps, researching it, participating in it, or being around it, our obsessions are often insatiable. We often feel out of control, hungry, frustrated, anxious, or out of place until we can connect with that obsession. There is a complete to-the-gut feeling of incompleteness until we can participate in the thing that makes us relax, makes us feel happy, and makes us feel important and valued. Rock collecting isn't just rock collecting, it's food, water, and a skill!

With Aspies, I think you have to be careful of what you do to try to manage the obsession in question. Removing it, banning it or otherwise trying to prevent the obsession is going to make the person agitated, stressed, overwhelmed and panicked among other things. Putting limits on the obsession is fine (you may only put your rock collection in this box/jar/containter), but don't dump it out, scold the person for doing it, or make it a source of stress and arguement.

Anyway, I'm glad I had my first craving. I felt like I was missing out on a part of pregnancy that I see as really fun. I have been wanting to eat a lot more fruit and sweets than normal, but I guess because I usually have fruit in the house, I haven't had a problem not satisfying that craving. The potato salad is a process because it has to be made, and it takes a long time to make! So to finally get it made and eat it is so satisfying. I hope that craving doesn't remain all the time, or else I'm going to be super busy just making potato salad!!

Being Pregnant, With Symptoms

My first pregnancy looked like it walked out of a book. I never had any Braxton Hicks, I never had acne, I wasn't sick, all I ended up with were stretch marks and a huge amount of exhaustion. I slept quite a lot, and was so tired. Otherwise, it was a pregnancy out of a dream, ending with a 7 1/2 hour labor that I consider to be an excellent experience, completely the opposite of the horror stories everyone likes to scare new moms with. I'm the kind of person pregnant moms should talk to because I had a positive experience!

This pregnancy is different. This pregnancy is annoying. I'm starting to think that if I had felt this way with my first pregnancy, I probably wouldn't have hesitated to never get pregnant again. The beginning was unbearable sickness all day long. I felt sick all the time. All I could eat was bland food, bread, cereal, cheese tortillas, that kind of thing. I wished I could puke because it might have actually made me feel better!

I am much more annoyed this time around too, though that might have to do with the fact that I have a 6 year old and two indoor cats, which I didn't have the first time around. I usually love my cats, and I have a favorite one, but even she is driving me up the wall. I'd like to just smack her. She's taken up yowling at night/early in the morning and its just annoying! She's so loud, and I wake up at the first little sound! It's like she's trying to get me to practice being woken up or something! It's ok cat, I've practiced before! For now, let me sleep!

I'm really intolerant of specific people when I'm pregnant. This is something I remember from the first time around too. It's just that every single thing they say drives me up the wall. So, back to avoiding certain people again. :P

I have my good old "numb" spot again. It's right at the ribcage above my stomach, kinda where your body bends there. It just feels as if that little section has fallen asleep or something. That can be rather annoying and uncomfortable. I guess I had forgotten about that from the first time around.

I have had ligament pain! Oh the ligament pain! When I move, when I sneeze, when I cough, when I turn, it can happen anytime, anywhere. I feel as if this means that I'm going to be having B-H this time around.

I have a few other unmentionable issues that I have never dealt with in my whole life. Hopefully they don't get worse than they are, because so far, its manageable, but weird.

I can smell more than I could before. I'm saying that because if I don't wash the sheets AND blankets on our bed once a week, all I can smell is BO. It's not even that its BAD, or anything, but its strong enough to annoy me and not let me relax. I can take about one night of it and the next day they are in the wash. Totally annoying.

The first pregnancy, I could not stand the smell of meat at all. This time, I would almost say I crave a good burger, but I'm not gorging on them or anything. Sure, the one time I could justify having a burger and I still don't really have a craving!

I've been eating a lot of veggie sandwiches and salads. MMMM. However, like most everything else, the prices on things like lettuce drives me nuts! Up, down, up, down, all over the place. It can easily triple in a week. Makes it hard to budget food. :P

I know I should be doing some kind of physical activity, but I just cant bring myself to actually do it. So far all the pregnancy workout videos I've gotten from netflix have just drove me nuts with how corny they are. Lame and corny. 

So anyway, that's my short list. I could go on, but I'm getting hungry and restless. This pregnancy sure is different, and I've really got my heart set on a girl this time around. Here's hoping!

Feeling Sick, Sensitivities, Feelings

Now, I know this is probably the only place I haven't made this announcement: I'm pregnant.

With my son, I consider the pregnancy the most perfect pregnancy ever. I wasn't sick, I felt great the entire time, and everything was perfect, just the way I imagined it to be.

And as the years went by (my son will be 6 the end of the month), I kept saying to myself I would probably pay with any other pregnancies. Especially if I actually got my girl, which is what I do want (and honestly, I already feel like it IS a girl). My mom was sick with me and my sister, but not so much with my brother, so I figured that was a sign.

This pregnancy, I am about 6 weeks in, and I am not feeling good. I wouldn't describe it as the nightmare of morning sickness with vomiting that everyone seems to have, but its a naggy, icky stomach. 

I don't know if this is the same for people with Aspergers or not, but I am a miserable sick person. It really makes no difference if I am throwing up, or if I just have an upset stomach, I probably react about the same. It is disabling. Everything bothers me. I am more cranky, I am hungry, but don't know what to eat (or what I should or can eat).... This isn't just from this pregnancy, I get motion sickness/car sickness, and this feels just about the same as that, and that makes me feel the same: cranky, hungry but don't know what to eat, and almost disabling. I can't do chores, I can't function normally as I would. I haven't done any homework with my son all week, and I feel bad; I really haven't done much with him at all. He is so great, independent, tolerates me just sitting there saying "yeah, ok, yeah, ok...". I felt much better yesterday, but today I am back to a bit sensitive stomach again. I'm pretty much down to cereal, bread with cheese, tortilla with cheese, applesauce/apples, yogurt (a recent discovery), fortune cookies... you know, bland food. 

I am simply a miserable sick person! It is like my physical symptoms of illness turns my head off as well. I am not interested in doing a whole lot of anything, and I'd like to sleep, but I don't really want to sleep all day leaving my son all alone all day long, that just isn't fair. So I just kinda mope around here.

I really hope that this is not going to last long. I mean, even if it lasts 3 months, that really isn't long, but it seems like an eternity on this side. 6 more weeks? Really? What am I going to do to function for 6 more weeks?

I think a part of it is sleep too. The night before last I got a TON of sleep, for whatever reason we went to bed around 8:30. So maybe its all sleep related, and maybe if I did allow myself a little nap, I would feel better. But I just haven't been able to do it.

As if my senses weren't already magnified, now they are even more so. Smell was not my friend with the pregnancy of my son, so I am not surprised that it isn't this time either.

Anyway, maybe I'm just complaning. Or maybe there are some other Aspiegirls out there who have had similar pregnancy experiences with the misery of what really shouldn't be miserable at all. Am I alone here? I think not...