Friends & Family and the Confusion Therein

A song came on my spotify today that took me back a few years to when I would listen to a radio show of an acquaintance from college. They was working a radio show at my first year college radio station and the song I requested was "too pop 40" for the station, but they thought I would like that song, and I did. I liked many of the songs from that artist, and several others I became connected with because of that suggestion. He's a really hysterical guy, one of the people I figured were too cool for me almost the entire year, so I kept my distance because I wasn't possibly good enough. I barely got to know people before it was over. But I digress....

And somewhere along the line, that friend disappeared from my fb. My assumptions was they blocked me, and that it were that it was a liberal/conservative sort of thing. I'm getting better at not being rude about beliefs because so many people are so touchy about things. I don't remember having a specific conversation with them where we disagreed, or where I was specifically rude TO them, they just blocked me with no indication as to why.

Again just recently another acquaintance seems to have blocked me, again I can only assume that things I was sharing in jest of something must have pushed them over the edge? It bothers me because, again, there was no conversation, no arguement, just ... gone.

Why oh WHY do people do that? I mean, don't you know there is ANOTHER option, UNFOLLOWING someone? Why is BLOCKING someone the action of choice? Why is it that drastic? Some little thing that I post is that horrible that you just silently run from it by BLOCKING me altogether?

What on earth?! What did I do to you, directly, to make you do that anyway? Did you ever think of asking me, saying something, having a discussion?

It really shouldn't matter, should it. Really, if that is all it takes to want them out of my life completely, they weren't really friends anyway, right?

I'm not the kind of person who forgets people though. There's still a DJ I was friends with once that I wish I could at least hear what he's doing now. Again, it's for the best. But I still wonder, because I care about people. If you're in my life, it's because I WANT you there, not because I'm just adding someone to add them. I want the people I connect with to connect with me. Sadly that's rarely the case, I guess.

I also give people chances. I'm MUCH better at this than I ever used to be, but even years ago I was always too naive to ever think that anyone was doing or saying something specifically to be mean to me. I was the one who was making excuses for them. I still do that. "Maybe they are _____". or "Maybe they arent returning my messages because they haven't been on" or whatever. I try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, because if I were to "take a break" from connection, I wouldn't want people to think it was because I was purposely ignoring them.
But then, why does it go on, and on, and on, and weeks go by, and no response? Why does it go beyond my ability to make excuses for someone, until I can have almost no doubt they are ignoring me for a reason. WORSE, they have no conceivable reason to do so. Again and again I'm having to wonder, what did I ever do to you?

I've had family members (who to be honest we don't see very often) both completely ignore me even if I sat down right next to them and talked to them, AND when we see them they act all family to my face, but in normal circumstances they completely don't care one bit about me. My sister is apparently fine, and worth talking to, but me? I'm apparently a horrible person who they don't have time for. Again and again, what did I ever do to you?

I'm smart enough to realize that the problem isn't me, because I haven't done anything deserving to be treated that way. This is their problem. They are missing out by being bitter and mean and shutting people out. But I would still like to sit here and make excuses for their behaviors, justify it or explain it somehow, at least for myself. I want to try to believe anything except that they are actually that rude, mean and hurtful. But as time ticks by, either I get impatient, or they actually are that rude.

I keep trying to figure out why this happens to me. I keep trying, as I said, to justify their behavior toward me as something having nothing to do with me.

Every time I'm just as mystified as the last time. It doesn't make any sense, we didn't have any argument, or anything. Just, they were gone. I don't get that. I really don't. 

It's life, I guess. Will never have the explanations for it. It will drive me crazy until the day I die and probably longer.

In the end, I don't understand it because I am an honest person. And when I'm your friend, I'm really a friend. I'll support your stuff and share your talents and try to connect you with people I know you would like or something. I'm true blue. And I think that it's a real rejection when people drop me like trash, because I don't know how I could have gone wrong. I still have a lot to learn, but dropping me like trash won't teach me anything. At least fill me in so I can be more aware. I am still just a person and aspergers might make me less aware than I aught to be. Just tell me. Don't tell me and block me, tell me and let me figure out what you're saying. Have a conversation you pansy! Don't be afraid to tell me what's the matter and help me understand it and let me explain things. Because OFTEN I have been misjudged and misunderstood. Sometimes I say or do things and it comes across completely wrong. That's a weakness I have, but I can't learn anything from just being dropped. You have to get a backbone and tell me sometimes. It would be at least respectful to the fact that I let you in my life at all.

So. That.

Yes, More. Friendships SUCK

Have I mentioned yet that I have huge trouble with friendships?

First of all, meeting people and making friends. Pretty much impossible without some kind of outside intervention. I don't seek out social opportunity. And usually I try to avoid talking to people when I am out. It usually takes them being completely outgoing and unconcerned that I try to not talk to them. And I suppose most of the time that is why us introverts get called things like "snobby" or "stuck up". Trust me, that is the farthest thing from what we are. All those terms do is shove us back into hiding, and reaffirm our fears that people suck.

I am an all in or nothing kind of person. If I want to be your friend, I'll want to dive in headfirst. I'll want to invite you to things, talk to you about anything, tell you my life's story pretty much.

And again, I think that makes people think im "pushy" or "nosy"... so I've gotten to the point where if you don't offer up the information, I probably am not going to ask. Or, I'll have to spend crazy amounts of time convincing myself that it's okay to ask something. Then I'll probably chicken out a million times, and end up asking you over social media. Because #introvertsrollthatway

Then there's distance.
And even when there isn't distance, there's busy-ness. Being too busy. 

Then there's the lack of return communication. That could mean either they don't respond to me in a conversational way (like, they answer questions so briefly that I feel embarassed I asked them anything), or they see the message AND DON'T RESPOND AT ALL! CURSE YOU SOCIAL MEDIA FOR LETTING US KNOW WHEN PEOPLE VIEWED THINGS!!

That is the worst. I mean, you KNOW that social media shows me you saw it. And you don't respond?

There are rare occasions when I would not respond after reading something, and one of those is when I'm having a bit of a rough time with someone. I have learned, the HARD WAY, to step back a couple of days when having an issue with someone. I get it, I hate it too when someone doesn't respond when they viewed my message.

And don't get me started about not returning text messages, ever. (BROTHER!!!)

But the thing is, friendships suck. I can't stand it. There are all these unspoken rules, there are all these expectations, and I get let down all the time. I think someone is my friend, then they seem like they are completely ignoring me! I can't figure it out! Then they act like they're my bestie for like 5 minutes, and then again we're back to the doubt and the inactivity and the ignoring, or something. 

Seriously.

I don't consider myself a high maintenance person. I don't expect people to hang around me all the time or something.
But a little interaction couldn't hurt, right? 

I think part of friendships is to make each other feel good, right? And there's the not so good parts where they help you grow.
But the ignoring? The half answers?

I feel like I can trust someone, then they just leave me hanging? I mean, I come to you for help, or advice, or something and you just give me nothing, or you give me barely something?

I end up feeling like they hate me. Like I'm just an annoyance taking up their precious time. 

I guess in another post tonight I touched on the fact that I shouldn't expect people to act like I would act in a situation.
But what if I can't help it?
What if I prefer to think people would take the time, and they don't, and I still end up hurt?

I feel like I bond with someone, and they don't agree. Like, unrequited love or something, only this is unrequited friendship.

It is very frustrating and heartbreaking. 

I'm really tired of it.

For Aspies, Friendships & Socializing SUCKS - Here's Why

Like many other Aspies, I struggle with friendships. As a child, I'm told and have vague memories of having friends over and ending up at some point reading books and not playing with my friends. I hated being prompted to go play with them, though no one really knew why. (I picture my mom like the mother of Jesus, just keeping these little things in her heart until she found a sensible answer - which she eventually did - even if no one else cared/believed it mattered.)

So, my sister would end up playing with my friends. Though she didn't seem to mind because she liked people. HAha! I don't know, I've never asked her. But she was always the "people person" one.

I would even avoid activities at other birthday parties. One party I specifically remember they were going to watch "Coneheads" - we couldn't have been 10 years old? I knew my mom didn't want me to watch it, and I didn't "get it" anyway, so I stayed in the other room and played Barbies. Quite happily, I'll add. (Sidenote: I have since twice tried to watch it, and I can't even fathom how it could be entertaining. Sidenote: Dan Aykroyd says he has Aspergers too, and it is often said that Aspie humor can be a little out there!)

Another time everyone was going to go snowmobiling, and I didn't want to go. We must have been like 6 or 7 I think? I think I was under the impression that some of the kids were driving snowmobile, and I didn't think it was a smart idea, so I just stayed back. I don't remember what I did, or even if anyone was with me! But I probably enjoyed the quiet! I may have a flash of visiting with an adult, another common thing for an Aspie kid to do. But I'm really not sure if that memory flash belongs in that particular story.

As a teen, I had a group of friends off and on, but twice the "leader" dropped me with no explanation or sensible reason. The first was one of those "about-face" situations that Aspies seem to find themselves in, where you are lead to believe one thing and then BOOM, they pull the run out from under you and turn on you after they just strung you along! The other I still, to this day, have no idea what happened or why. I sometimes struggle with thinking I have forgiven them both, because who cares anymore, but really, I wonder if I have if I can't forget that it happened, and wondering why. (Aspies end up dwelling on things, see? Does dwelling = unforgiveness?) But, moving on here...

As an adult, friendships are no more clear than they were as a kid. It is literally like everyone else got "the book", and I didn't. Believe me, if there was a book, and someone just handed it to me, I would have read it! Because I read books. However, there is a chance I wouldn't have been interested and still not read it, and it's too late now, I don't have time to read! 

Seriously. There are too many rules. And not all the rules apply to all friends all the time. They only apply sometimes. In my case, a lot of rules only apply if you live in a 5 mile vicinity, which no one does.

Listen, I don't think I am high maintenance. I don't need to 'hang out' or do stuff all the time. I don't want to be around people that badly that often. And yes, I get it when people don't have the ability/money to drive to my place,, and that the times I am where they are is usually never convenient, because we don't go out LOL. (Don't even get me started on the fact that you can't even make plans with people because they will NEVER say "Oh, great! I will put you on the schedule and not let anything interfere with this!" Most people will never, have never, unless you're the bestie.)

But still, even though I am not in need of frequent interaction, it is still nice to feel like you matter to people you consider your friends, right? Wouldn't it be nice if they could come through for you when you think they should come around? 

Which is what hit me tonight. These rules that I think apply to all friendships really don't. They must not apply to any friendships. Or only some of them, under some circumstances? I don't get it. I mean, as an Aspie, I am trying to take in information all the time to guide my social behavior, but when the rules don't apply, or only apply to certain people in certain situations, or only apply for certain people, or apply here, but not there, or for them but not me, I get so lost. I'm trying to make sense of the social world by taking in the information from what I see around me. I try to figure out how to act, socially, by seeing how others are acting. Then it goes into my mental "rule book". Of course, by the time I have to access that information to use it, it's no longer valid. Maybe because I'm with new people, or a new situation, or whatever. Still, if you are playing by a rule book that is constantly changing and never the same even with the same people, it can be confusing!

You might think maybe I should forget about the "rule book". You. Don't. Get. It.

Imagine you are on another planet. Literally. You don't speak the language, their mannerisms are strange to you, and you don't know what to do. Naturally, you start taking notes, either mentally or even on paper, about their interactions, any noises or "words" they use during certain interactions, and you start piecing together the puzzle of their language and interactions. However, you spend your entire life doing this, and you never seem to be able to pick out any pattern for any word, interaction or mannerism.

This is kinda like what it is like to be an Aspie in the social world. It's literally like living on the wrong planet. I'm taking notes, and trying to give myself safe guidelines to abide by when socializing, but none of the rules are ever the same! And you wonder why Aspies have to limit their social time. The first 75% of social time is spent decoding the language, mannerisms and social rules of the situation at hand, likely REWRITING the previous edition. This is all happening before we feel comfortable socializing. We probably spend this whole time sitting silently, or hovering over the food if there is any, or even on our phones or something (the perfect social anxiety tool!). 

The thinking is that people with Aspergers have the problem, but I don't agree with that (of course). I think YOU all have the problem! LOL! How can you do that? Make rules, only to break them, or ignore them and not use them? Or make them in one instance, and then break them in the next? What kind of crazy people are you? (Hahaha).

Anyway, I think it is dawning on me that each friendship is indeed unique and different, and when I'm measuring the rules of friendship from one person to another it really isn't fair, is it? However, I have a horrible time figuring out the world without my mental rules, so I'm still completely lost. Now not only do my rules mean nothing, but I have to keep rules individually for every person I know, and even if I do, those rules are bound to change. And those rules might not apply to me as their friend, but only someone else? So only someone else has this particular rule, but I'm off the hook? 

I haven't even begun to think about what this means or how it works. Again you might tell me to stop worrying about the "rule book". But YOU aren't an Aspie, are you? Until you are an Aspie, stop telling me what to do in my own head. Rules help me not end up being called a freak or something. If I throw them out, then I'm the weirdo friend that no one wants to be around because they are too weird and no one understands them. I want to be understood, and not have people ignore me because I'm too weird. I had enough of that as a kid. Which, maybe, is the reason I do all this "rule" crap? 

Like it or not, even NT people have unwritten, unspoken social rules. It's just that you understand what they are, for whom they apply, and when or if they can be broken. And you can probably keep track of different ones for different people. Aspies don't have that benefit of being able to determine all that stuff. So there.

 Maybe that is why I feel so connected to people who's friendship has maybe ran past its expiration date in my life. I miss people, just as intensely as I miss my current friends. Even people I haven't seen or talked to in over 10 years I still want to pop back into my life just like they've been here all along. I don't "get" this whole "friendship for a season" thing. I do understand when I have a disagreement and things get awkward, but I don't understand that some people are okay with that, and I'm the only one feeling awkward. 

Do you have any idea, right now, what it feels like to socialize with Aspergers?

POST REFERRAL: Outside the Bubble

I have always felt like an outsider. Never in my life to date have I ever really felt as if I fit in with other people. The closest I can come is with my church because at least we have that common core moral belief. Even then, however, I am outside all of them because of many various different things.

This post is kinda about that. 

My first year of college was pretty nice, and I had a solid group of friends I hung out with. We had little in common, but I thought they were cool people and they accepted me, so we were friends. However many times there were just things that I "went along with" even though I thought they were stupid - like watching a certain show every day, even though it was dinner time (and I was starving LOL). I once said something to one of the guys about it, and I was told that it was ME that was keeping MYSELF on the outside. That I CHOSE to be an outsider. That they accepted me anyway, but I was the one who gave them the feeling that I wanted to stay out there.
Maybe I did. At the time I was mystified, but today, reading posts like this, I know I am on the outside, and I always will be.


http://myaspiewife.wordpress.com/2013/05/26/outside-the-bubble/

Expectations

I have rather high expectations of people. While I realize that sometimes this can be the cause of the frustration I have with friendships, I can't seem to overcome this.

Basically, when someone says they are going to do something, I expect them to do it. I don't really like people who procrastinate on things, and I certainly don't like it when they don't do what they say they are going to do. It is a giant let down.

I realize people are human. I do not turn on people who let me down. Despite the pain that this causes me, I guess I set myself up for future failures.

Is it so wrong to expect people to be something, to do something, to follow through? I don't think it is. But, still, its very frustrating to keep having the same people let me down over and over. It makes me feel as if I'm not worth putting in the time, or effort, for something to be done, or whatever. Of COURSE I blame myself. Of COURSE I do. Because blaming someone else would be wrong wouldn't it? I do try to take responsibility for my own feelings. So maybe it IS my fault.

But really, shouldn't people follow through more? Shouldn't I be able to trust people and rely on them? 

Relationship Model (From Karla's ASD Page)

This is totally true for me for the most part! It sounds so weird, but yeah.

Understood

Though I know my social skills are not what they should be, and I know that I don't understand a lot of the conversational games people play, or the flat out gossip games people play, I am happy for the most part with my social life. I CHOOSE not to have a ton of people in my life because I can't maintain that many friendships at a time, and honestly, I don't trust people very often. I think I have talked about how quickly I move (mentally) from meeting someone to being their full on friend, but I don't think I mentioned that this doesn't happen often, most definitely not every time.

I have a lot of people "in my life" who aren't really under the right impression about what I do and say. There are people "in my life" who don't really understand me, and whether that's because they don't want to or because I keep them at a distance I don't know.

Because of this, these people, MANY people, don't "get" the things I do or say. This means that more often than not, I say something completely innocent, and it turns into, as I read recently about something I discussed, world war 3. I used to get very emotionally involved in these discussions and I would be angry and frustrated and annoyed and sad.  I don't do this as much anymore, I've learned from the past (I hope!) and I don't take it personally as much. However, people still get all ruffled over things I say, even the most innocent things. It feels as if they prefer to think the worst of what I say, and of me, even when I have nothing but the best intentions. 

I don't always see this as an attack from the person, but there's an underlying belief that I know there is an enemy out there who is doing this through people. That's hard to say because I know that people don't believe in that. That's hard to say because I know people don't want to think that any of their actions come from the enemy, especially if they are a person who believes they are trying to follow God. However, NO ONE is at more risk of being attacked by the enemy, or used by the enemy, than someone who is trying to follow God! Someone who isn't following God is of no interest to satan, what does he care? They aren't following God. Satan's interest is to bring people away from God, not bring them to God. Anyway, I digress.

What I need people to understand is I'm sharing my ideas, thoughts, etc not because I'm looking to fight with people, I'm not looking to hurt people, I'm not looking to be a know it all. I'm not trying to prove I'm an authority of any kind on any topic.
 What I want more than anything is simply to be understood. I simply want to share a thought, and have people say "That's neat!" or "I've never read that/thought of that" or "What an interesting thought!". If people would say that, first of all, we could start any following discussion on a positive note; knowing that I was understood in the first place, and that they thought my ideas/whatnot was interesting and worthy of discussion, instead of just feeling as if they are out to prove me wrong, or looking to find a way to put me down. I guess I've never verbalized these fears really. I found myself just staring at those words. I have a fear of people arguing with me because I feel they are either trying to prove me wrong or looking for a way to put me down. 

Either way, I really just want to be understood. I don't think that this is an unrealistic feeling. I don't think that its uncommon to want understanding. I think people want the same thing from me too. Sometimes I don't see it either. I think every word people say or right should have the "intention" bubble above it. You know? A side note that tells me and them whats going on behind the words, or what the intention behind the word is.

It would be a lot easier if we would say what we mean and mean what we say. No sarcasm, no faking it.

Don't YOU just want to be understood?

Rumors, Rejections, Misunderstanding, Aspergers

 "Ericka may feel quite insecure and/or pessimistic about the future. She may also feel inferior to others, has little self-confidence, and does not always feel capable of solving her problems."

"Ericka has very few friends, and others think she is hard to get to know. She is quiet, submissive, and conventional, and she lacks self-confidence in dealing with other people. Individuals with this passive and withdrawing lifestyle are often unable to assert themselves appropriately and are frequently taken advantage of by others."

"The MCMI-III pattern achieved by Ericka suggests an ongoing conflict between her desire to develop secure and warm relationships and a fear of having to relate to others she cannot or will not trust. Ericka wants to be close and affectionate with others but anticipates disillusionment from such relationships. She may lack self-esteem and expect to be humiliated. Others may have either deprecated or disapproved of her self-expressive attempts. Ericka's relations with others may often be petulant and passively aggressive, causing others to view her possibly as a sulky, irritable, and argumentative person. Occasionally, Ericka may attack others capriciously for their lack of support and for what she sees as their unreasonable expectations and demands. To bind her anger and thereby protect herself against further isolation, she may become anxiously depressed and withdraw into her own world. It would appear that Ericka's daydreaming and moodiness frequently evoke negative reactions from others, which only serve to reinforce her withdrawal tendencies.

Ericka may feel that she is unable to muster the wherewithal to overcome the deficits she sees in her life or to achieve the support she desires from others. Hence, she may vacillate, turning first against herself, expressing feelings of unworthiness and uselessness, then turning against others, acting petulant and irresponsibly. Feeling unappreciated and demeaned by others, she may find that withdrawing and daydreaming provides her with some satisfactions that are otherwise unattainable."

"Ericka displayed strong empathy for animals and children, but her understanding of adult emotions and behaviors appeared intellectualized. Ericka described several situations where, much to her surprise, others had to explain to her that her behaviors were having a strong negative impact on them."

I am once again taken by surprise that someone would take my words to mean something they do not mean. Trying not to get into details here, but fact of the matter is that I try to trust people, and this is the thanks that I get! Rumors are spread about something I "supposedly said", which I didn't actually say at all, and now people are hurt. Of course, I'm hurt too. How could anyone take someone else's words, twist them and then turn around and stab me in the back with them? 

This is a repetitive story that seems to be happening over and over in my life. I think I can trust someone, and BAM! I'm proven again and again that I cannot. DURING the accusation, I blame myself. Tell myself how its highly likely that I did do what I'm being accused of. Desperation takes over, as I try to figure out where and how I went wrong. I search, I ask, I reflect. I find nothing.

Then I'm usually left for very strong emotions. Emotions of anger that I was misunderstood. Emotions of sadness and tears that I am so alone. Emotions of frustration that I'm still living where I am, even though I am finally desperate to get out of here. Frustration that even though I stay out of people's lives and privacy, yet they do not stay out of mine. Fears of being misunderstood. Confusion about how to make it right when apologizing doesn't seem to do the job. Pain that I'm always being used, taken advantage of, and I never know it until its too late and someone else is hurt over something said about me, which is usually a lie.

It's the real life version of a hollywood gossip magazine. If you read it/hear it from there, its a lie. 

Sometimes I know or can find out who has broken my trust, but often I don't know, which makes it worse. Which person out of this group of people could it have possibly been? NOW what do I do? How can I prevent this kind of misunderstanding in the future? How can I be sure this person won't attack me this way again? Why are they doing this? What, is there no one else to gossip about, so we have to pick on that "strange" girl who doesn't hang out with anyone in town (and whom we know nothing about, so really, we don't have any true statements to make about her)? Who are these people and why are they even involved in my life, why do they even care what I do or say anyway?

I remember a time where a friend of mine led me along on this idea we would do something, and I was kinda excited about it. Then at the last minute she pulled the rug out from under my feet, called me all kinds of names, and rejected me and teased me because I would want to do such a thing. It was all so innocent. I was trying to be cool about it, and it was HER IDEA. I won't ever forget it. I feel as if I saw my own "deer in headlights" face and I can't get the burned memory of that experience out of my head. 

Trust me. If I had actually done what I'm accused of doing, NO ONE would learn the lesson more than me. However, if I were the kind of person who would actually have done what I'm accused of, I probably would learn nothing. If I were the kind of heartless person who would talk about someone else in order to ruin their reputation, I guess I probably wouldn't care.

But I do care. I want people's respect. I want my words to be taken the way I mean them, not the way someone gossips about them.
And for once in my life, I would like to NOT take responsibility for something I didn't do. Like I said, my first gut reaction is to be responsible, on the small chance that I DID accidentally or inavertantly say something or do something that could have been misunderstood. I don't want to lie, and to end up finding out I was wrong to defend myself and say I didn't. Unfortunately, this probably ends up making me seem more guilty when I am not at fault. 

I have this bad trait of accepting people. I have this bad sense of judgement when it comes to whom I can trust. I have this inability to screen people for their trustworthiness. I would really like to think that people I let into my little bubble are people I can trust. I am already selective to my social groups because I don't have the time or energy for a lot of drama, and because of these kinds of experiences, I'm protective of myself! So when someone who is apparently IN my little bubble stabs me in the back, I take it as a reflection of my poor choice to let them in. I take it as a reflection of my poor judgement, thinking I could trust them to properly understand me. I blame myself for allowing someone to be so misunderstanding of me as a person, that my words were taken in a way that they were never meant to be taken. They didn't know me well enough to know what I meant by what I said, and that somehow is my fault. I shouldn't have trusted them so completely. I shouldn't have let them into that messy statement. I should have known better than to say something that could have been misinterpreted so badly and wrongly.

So, see, it's my fault. Again, I'm taking responsibility for the fact that someone misunderstood my words, and stabbed me in the back with them. It's my fault I said anything that I should have kept private. It's my fault that I trusted them. I'm praying and searching and seeking for the ability to see where I went wrong. To have some kind of proof I am the "bad person" they say I am. Because I tend to believe people, and what they say, even if I know in my heart they are wrong, maybe there's a possibility that they are right. Maybe I just didn't see it. 

After an examination of the facts, I can discover... "no, wait, I've checked, I'm still pretty sure on my position."

I am heartbroken for the person who was hurt. Not because I got "caught", but because they are being used by someone who misunderstood and twisted something I said to mean something it does not. I am heartbroken because I want to be trusted, and now I don't think they can trust me. I'm heartbroken because they were just as emotional, just as hurt as I am. Because I didn't filter my public use of words good enough. Because I use a "public" place to vent my frustrations at all. Because I use it too much. Because I trusted someone, and I don't even know who, and now I know I can't trust people again. I hate this reminder.

I'm really tired of being used. This kind of life is exhausting. It makes me fearful for someone to have this kind of intentions toward me, especially when I don't know which direction its coming from. Its like being blind and not knowing who smacked you upside the head with a brick.

This is Aspergers. Not able to understand or believe or see why someone would want to behave this way. Being innocent and naive makes it really easy for people to use you. Not understanding the drama, the game playing, the advantage to putting someone else down. How does a person gain anything by lying and twisting and manipulating? How do they sleep at night living that way? If I acted like they say I do, and if I acted like they are, the guilt would eat me alive, and I would probably kill myself, or at the least, self medicate through drugs and alcohol. NO WONDER. Makes things make sense a little bit around here.

I've been taken advantage of. I'm tired of it. You think you know me, you rumor spreaders, you word twisters. God is the only person who knows every single part of me. God knows the intentions of my heart when I post or say things. I'll be honest, I'm not perfect, and my intentions are not always perfect either. But honestly, it doesn't happen often because I consider myself an honest person, and I consider myself to be someone who says what she means, means what she says, and doesn't have any hidden implied meanings or game playing or drama. I don't understand people playing those games with me, why would I play them myself?

 Why me? Why me again?

You know the part in "Never Been Kissed" where she reveals she is a 25 year old reporter who's been beating her brains out trying to impress those popular kids? Then she says they will spend a lifetime putting others down because it makes them feel better - and points to the "nerdy" girl and says "WHY HER!!"

Story of my life. Why me? Why do people want to hurt me? Why do people pick ME as someone to gossip about, someone to tell nasty lies about, spread rumors about? Why are they working so hard to imagine up these words, these situations, these lies, about me? What is so important about me that I'm chosen to be gossipped about. Why isn't there ONE person out there who is willing to be like "You know, I don't think thats true." Why isn't there ONE person out there who could stop the rumors? 

I'm just riddled with emotions, thoughts, confusions, frustrations, fears.

OK! Now that I've posted about it, refreshed your memory back to my original diagnosis information, and elaborated on my thought process.... I'm moving on to my normal life. I'm moving into my head for a few days. If I don't post, please don't think I've given up on the blog, but I need a vacation. Thanks.

Processing Speed, Decision Making, Friendships

So, if you look back at my first post, you will see that I scored rather high on something called processing speed. This seems like a very self-explanitory thing, but its also very complicated. I am still in the process of understanding what this is, and all of the places in my life that it applies.

When I went to my results meeting, the example that she used was in football, the players have to be able to think fast to make the play. I responded that its like when I'm reading music, I will be reading the notes several notes ahead of where I'm actually playing. Yup, thats processing speed. Also, letter/word recognition is faster, making reading easier. It is likely, then, that I learned to read early on because of this high processing speed; learning quickly what a word looked like, not through phonics or sounding it out, but through just remembering what the word looked like, and recognizing it helped me know what the word is. This all would explain both early reading, and the speed reading I did in my childhood. I could read an entire book in a few hours. I remember I read a lot of "Babysitters Club", and the Sweet Valley books, among others. I could polish them off in as little as an hour.
I also beat a math teacher on times tables. He used to time us doing 100 times tables from X1 to X12. I was always rather fast at this, but I did eventually beat HIS best time, which was totally awesome.

However, there are other ways that I'm told are affected by processing speed. My ability to take in information and make a decision based on that information is also a part of processing speed. If I acquire some knowledge on a subject, I quickly make a decision on the topic. These decisions are hard to be changed. I am almost always SURE of the decision I have made, no matter what. It takes a very long time to adjust or change my thinking. This isn't because I'm stubborn or bullheaded. This is because I processed previous information, made a concrete decision, and that decision feels like a "final" decision for me. Over time, I can adjust and change my position, but it usually takes a lot of additional information and study, as well as patient and understanding people who are willing to understand that I just don't see it any other way. Again, this is not a stubbornness. This is just the way my brain works. I don't know WHY it works this way, it just does. 

This can work about subjects like parenting or religion, both of which get me into hot water with people. But I can see pretty well how this works for people as well. 

Friendships are hard for me. They always have been. I don't remember "real" friendships as a young child, I pretty much kept to myself because I didn't know what to do and I was way more interested in reading a book or something than what the other kids were doing. I remember always liking the teachers, and trying to help them out was something I preferred to do. (Though, there were a few teachers whom I did NOT like.)

I did have friends, but usually they didn't have anything in common except that we were all outcasts. We didn't really fit in anywhere else, so naturally, it was together. Even with them, I was not sharing a lot of common interests, and certainly not a lot of social time outside of school!

As an adult, I still don't understand how friendships work. When I meet someone, I might think that they seem great, but I don't ever know how to make the first move. I don't ever know what to say. My son has been a better icebreaker than anything else in life, but even then I'm hesitant because he is SO forward that sometimes the kid he's talking to has no idea what to do with him either!

But once I feel I'm friends with someone, I have quickly (remember processing speed) decided that this is a person I can trust. This is a person who is my friend! They must like me if I feel like they are friendly with me, right? Yay! A friend! 

This often leads to me feeling very open with them. I'm a "you've been here once, you're family" type person, so once you're in, you're in. Then I have no problems sharing, talking to, being with this new friend. (Clarifying, still, not all the time or anything, and the talking to is more complicated than just talking to them - I stilll suffer for what to talk about....)

The problem with this is that apparently other people aren't like that. First of all, other people usually cannot and sometimes even should not be trusted that quickly. I have learned the hard way more than once that feeling like I'm friends with someone does NOT mean we are friends. Just because someone is nice to me does not mean that they even like me. (Why do we pretend to like someone? Please don't do that to me.) And I can tell you that I have ended up being used, gossipped about and "burned" from feeling like I'm friends with someone who had no interest whatsoever in being my friend.

 Second, people apparently don't trust me back right away. I have this crazy belief that I can trust people. Whether they are a new friend or an old friend, once a person feels like a friend, I trust them. Again, I get burned because there are people out there who are apparently willing and able to take advantage of my naive trust and openness. I tell them things that they probably don't want to know, or that they aren't "close enough" to be told yet. There is only one line in the sand with me. In. Out.

See, in my mind this is heartbreaking because I trust people, and they don't trust me back. It hurts because I feel like we're friends, only to find out we aren't. I show such interest in a person, I shower them with compliments, thoughtfulness, gifts, and I get nothing back in return. 

Then I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I shouldn't be the kind of friend that always expects something in return. I shouldn't be the kind of person who does something just to see what I get back. And I don't think that is the problem. I just misunderstand how friendships work. To me, you are either a friend, or you are not. There is no "almost friend" or "acquaintenance". I don't work into a friendships through these steps like everyone else apparently does.

In my life, more than once, and throughout my whole life, I have trusted in people who seemed to be so nice to me. I latched onto them and expressed my appreciation for them in my life through crushes and loving behavior and feelings. Looking back, even I feel like I was crazy.

 It was always refreshing to feel like I was special to someone, and I wanted to make them feel special too. I felt as if I made a difference in their life, as if my feelings of friendship weren't mistaken. It was always nice to be considered a person that they valued. 

The problem was that there were more of these "friendships" that were with, perhaps to be described as "inappropriate" people. Typically, they were never people my age (kids my age were not safe), and they were people that I technically were "safe" from. They couldn't really hurt me, because they weren't really allowed IN my life. They were in my life, don't get me wrong, but it isn't like we hung out or went places together. They were "safe" people to put my interest and friendship and even love toward, because they really couldn't reject my feelings because they couldn't accept my feelings either. 

Does that make any sense? I don't know if I'm making any sense. Basically, I focused a ton of obsession, energy, time and money into people who were so nice to me, but who were "safe" enough that they COULDN'T be mean to me. (Also, they wouldn't, I don't think, because they were not an immature stage of life, like many of the people my age were. I just didn't/don't have time to play games in friendships. I'm not a dramatic person really.) 

This was very confusing for me because my feelings of love for them weren't "really" love, yet I felt completely enamored with them. People who know me rather well know specific people this applies to, but it was more than just one person, because it happened from as early as I can remember, all through school, and even into college. I can honestly say, however, that since my husband and I married, I have not really had those feelings about another person in a long time, though I still struggle more with those people I was enamored with than anyone else because what do I do now? How do I reconstruct any form of relationship with them? Again, I feel like either we are friends or we aren't friends, the middle ground isn't someplace I like to be with people.

My feelings of friendship are intense. When I meet someone that I feel I can trust, I have a hard time holding back. I almost want to know everything about them in one sitting, and to share everything about me with them as well. I want to KNOW a person almost inside out, and to have them want to know me back. I used to write down everything I knew about people, like a teen magazine would write a celebrity's favorites list. Apparently, this doesn't work for the vast majority of the people in the world, and I have watched people "run" because, it seems, I have scared them off with my intensity about it. 

What I really want is just to be understood here. I want people to know that I'm not insane or nuts for wanting to be close friends right away. It should be a sign that I trust a person, not a sign that I'm coming on too strong. Luckily, I can count at least 2 people in my life who responded positively to my forwardness of friendship, and those friendships seem to be completely fine. 

The worst part is probably that I'm not aware until its already over or past that I'm coming off so strongly. Or if I do realize it, all I know is that it feels so good to feel accepted that I'm not willing to back down and be the cause of a faded friendship. I'd rather come on too strong than be accused of not coming on at all. It probably hurts more when I'm eventually rejected, but I put myself out there for someone I thought I could trust, and for some reason, this is ok. 

I hope some of this made sense. I was kinda just writing as my thoughts came out, so I'm sorry for length and probably a poor interpretation of processing speed, but it is an insight into my head maybe?