Reunions...

My dad's family has a reunion every 2 years. It's a pretty nice get-together. The oldest generation is my grandma's siblings, and the youngest would be her great grandchildren! It is pretty impressive. Since the "heads" of the family (as far back as we go on the family tree) are Helen and Fred, my grandma's parents, that makes for 5 generations of Parker relatives! This year there were something like 80 of us which is a rather small number compared to other years.

I still have a lot of reservations about reunions. It's a huge crowd of people. A ton of them. Of all ages. Many of them know me, but a lot of times I forget who they are. I know the faces a lot of the time, but the names escape me. Basically, the only way I survive the weekend is because I know its coming, I'm well aware that its coming. I am mentally prepared for a ton of people, I know the park that its in well now, I know that there's plenty for our son to do, other kids to play with, and he will be safe. There are no doors on the bathroom stalls at the park, but the gas station closeby has a one seater with a locking door, so I can take a mental break and use the bathroom in privacy!

Problem is, with all these people around, I never know what to say. There are some now that I'm connecting with on facebook, and that's always good. Then I get a full year of certain connections, and that helps. At least then I know some things I can talk about. Many of them arent on facebook though, and that makes it interesting. I never know what to say, so sometimes theres an awkward silence.

Either way, its a good time. Many of these relatives I ONLY see at this reunion. This is the only time I ever see them. So its interesting to see how people change in 2 years, especially when we are talking about the kids. They do family pictures too, and though it's always a hassle and a madhouse, and not all the pics get taken, its really nice to have the pictures. :)

So anyway. After being there all day, I'm ready to NOT be around people. My hubby and I took a nice long walk when we got to the resort that we were spending the night at with my gpa, his gf, mom and dad, and my great aunt (gmas sister). It was nice to have some time to ourselves to vent, to talk, to connect, and just to breathe. My hubby is a lot like me in many ways, both of us need time apart from the crowd. 

But, it was good food, good company, and a good drive there and back with gpa and his gf. The benefits of driving someone; they let you use their vehicle (because it was more comfortable!) and they pay for gas. :) So it was pretty sweet. I could say more and make this more informative about Aspergers, but tonight I'm tired, its late, and I don't know what else to say.

Familiarity & Hiding It

During this journey, I have had so many people tell me they didn't think I had Aspergers. I "function" well, I do talk to people, I'm not a total hermit. But I do prefer to be alone. My world is fine lol. In my own little world, they all know me here. :P

Inside, I knew better. I had too many symptoms. I had too many things inside my head that supported my claims. I did the research. Number one on the list of things to do after diagnosis was to read two books: I'd already read them. I know. Lol. I've already studied this all out.
I know they say not to self diagnose, but I'd someone tells you that you have, say, hypothyroidism, you google it right?

I've watched movies about Aspergers. I've read books from aspie authors. I've read the more "clinical" complete guide. All before I was officially diagnosed.

I even read a book on Aspergers and girls which I already talked about. The biggest problem is most people considered with Aspergers are men. An like heart attacks, Aspergers differs for women. It just looks different. It's unfair that we have this idea of what Aspergers looks like, but that's typically what it looks like in men.

Anyway, point is, people I know really didn't think I was at all autistic.

As I've talked to people after my diagnosis, I know nothing about me has changed. I do find myself making eye contact with people when I am talking, but ONLY if I have known that person practically my whole life. So family members might not have noticed eye contact especially because I do have short tendencies in maintaining eye contact with family.

I do PREFER to look elsewhere and I cannot control the fact that I still do look away.

I'm calling this familiarity: the fact that I'm completely familiar with someone an I feel relatively safe with them. My head tells me it's ok and almost that it's an insult if I DON'T give them the eye contact they should have in conversation.

Unfortunately this doesn't necessarily mean my mind isn't wandering, or that I'm not thinking about their hair or face instead of what they are saying.
I probably shouldn't have said that!


When you have Aspergers in school, you do "learn" what kinds of things get you tortured and you tend to avoid doing those things. For example, there are things that I believe can be categorized into repetitive "tics" that I just simply don't do when people are around. There are also things that people might not notice, like any time my hands are free, I'm probably picking at my fingernails. It doesn't bother anyone else, and they usually aren't looking at my hands anyway. But I would consider that repetitive and obsessive.

As I said though, you learn what behavior gets you laughed at and you learn to hide it.

Those two things alone are long topics. But they belong together because they both give the outside world the idea that everything is perfectly neurotypical.

I consider the majority of my symptoms to be inside my head. Not in the "it's all in her head" way, but in the way that it is more that I'm thinking about how awkward I feel, desperately trying to figure out the sense in saying things that don't need to be said ("It's so hot" - Yes we all know it's hot. Who needs to be told its hot?), or the question you don't really want the answer to ("How are you?" "Fine" VS "How are you?" "Well I'm not so great you know....") or the games that people play, especially girls, while they are communicating. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I'm not going to read into something that is said by someone I don't know really well. I'm going to take it at face value. All those little "cues" to conversation that I just don't "get".

Anyway. Kinda a disorganized post. But I'm posting from my phone and it's harder this way.
But no more hiding it. No more wondering why those who know me best miss the signs. :)