Thinking Back To College

It was discovered today that one of the years I was in college they had something I didn't remember them having: a gun room.

It doesn't bother me, I'm not anti gun, and actually it is cool that they have that. People up here are outdoors people, and that includes hunting. I can't remember there EVER being any issues with anyone shooting anyone at that school, or any other school up here for that matter. 

But what I realized most is that there were probably lots of things that were there, happening, or whatever, that I don't remember. I know this not just because of the gun room, but because there are pictures of me being places that I have no memory of being doing things I have no memory of doing. 

I do have a lot of memories, but there are other things that are completely gone. Strange.

I think I know what happens tho. 

I think that when you are under new circumstances that are stressful, or overwhelming, your tired brain has to choose what it's going to remember or focus on. I could have walked right into that gun room and not remembered it because it was not relevant information to me. I didn't have a gun, so I had no reason to know where the room was, much less use it. 

Does that make sense? Really, if my brain was overloaded, I had no ability whatsoever to learn anything new, take in anything new, or pay attention to details that had nothing to do with me.

Things aren't much different today. I have three kids, so if it doesn't have much to do with keeping three children alive, I probably wont remember it without prodding. I have to put anything I need to remember into my "brain" - aka phone calendar - in case something unexpected happens and I forget what day it is or that I had something to do. 

I do not have the processing ability to remember anything that isnt urgent or right before me. :P 

Such is life with an overwhelmed brain I guess.

That all being said, I still remember details of things better than most people. I remember things people said and how they said it and I swear sometimes they don't even remember.
But sometimes, there's just no ability.

Tired and Overwhelmed = Mean

I've taken a little self reflection and it didn't take much to realize that I have a problem: when I get tired and overwhelmed, I lose any and all amounts of patience and I get "mean".

I don't want to do this, so how do I figure this out?

This is a super short post, but it's just something I'm throwing this out there...

Comments on a Blog Post: Autistic Regression and Fluid Adaptation - Musings of an Aspie

I've been having a hard time lately. I've been really tired, and not feeling well, all the fun things that happen when you get pregnant.

But it's been more than that. I've felt kinda paralyzed. Got ahold of the therapy place where we got tested, and even expressed my concern with the distance and money and stress of driving two hours one way to get to them, and they have an in home program! I start this week. B starts next week I believe. This is perfect, and a blessing, and I can't believe they will pay someone to drive for 4 hours just to see us. It's amazing and a miracle, and I can only thank God for a program like that.

That being said, it can't come fast enough. I've really been struggling and today I felt pretty down. I'm glad it was Sabbath because that meant some peace and quiet maybe. Something came up so I was pretty bummed to begin with, sadly.
But I stayed home and watched a sermon from 4 years ago. And I fully believe that good sermons are timeless, and this was one of those sermons. I'm sure 4 years ago I could have gotten something as big out of it as I got out of it today. And I could see how it could fit into the lives of several other people I know, I will be passing it on.

But tonight I was having a meltdown of sorts and kinda "word vomiting" on a patient, Godly friend that I felt safe to "word vomit" on. THEN, THIS LINK came into my fb feed. 

Talk about a revelation!

Autistic Regression and Fluid Adaptation - Musings of an Aspie

I guess I would probably never have thought to describe anything I have been feeling in this way. I would have never thought that there was such a thing, I guess. I was just under the assumption that the surprise of an unplanned pregnancy was just putting me into a new level of depression and anxiety (remember, those are "accessories" to my autism), and that therapy would probably be recommending some drugs, which I hate because they make me feel worse. Drugs are just too much for me, and probably are for most autistic people. 

But THIS?! This has kinda rocked my world tonight. This is precisely what it feels like in my brain. This idea plugged right into my brain and said "BINGO". 

Right now, I'm understandably under a lot of stress, anxiety, AND all the fun symptoms that normally go along with pregnancy like sickness, exhaustion, out of breath, whatever. And any woman who has been pregnant can attest to the fact that pregnancy steals enough of your brain to begin with, but put all that other stuff on top of my ASPIE brain, and you have definitely got too many air conditioners working overtime right now, and its time for a blackout. 

I KNEW I was better than this. I KNEW that I used to be able to handle things better. I've just lost that ability right now. It feels good, I guess, to think that it's not permanent, and I'm readjusting like everyone does, and that I will likely find some kind of handle on things. I'm really bad at asking for help, (not that I have many real capable people to ask to help me in the first place) so I think maybe I need to improve on that somehow. There are other things that I know play into this, that I know I NEED to change too. But to know that my list of things is a bit shorter is a relief. I feel lighter. And tired.

"When this happens, an issue that was previously “fixed” can suddenly appear to be “broken” again."

So I can "fix" it again, but probably in new ways. And yes, it might get "broken" again. 

I just hope these therapy people have some kind of understanding of this when they come. But if they don't, I'm keeping this blog post handy to use to give them some info. Because this makes a difference to me. I'm sure it can make a difference to someone else too. 

Anxiety

I have daily anxiety. It is just a part of life for me. It is an "accessory" to my Aspergers. It's like the belt to your jeans. The top to your bottoms. Depression and anxiety just go hand in hand with who I am, and how my brain works. Perfectionism is stuffed in there too.

I don't like to let myself down, but I don't like to let others down either. And I have a tendency to think I can do things, even if it's too much for me. I somehow think I should be able to do it all or something. 

I haven't had an anxiety attack in perhaps years. It has definitely been since before I was diagnosed. I can't even remember exactly when the last one was, because I probably didn't recognize it as an anxiety attack. But I do remember the hyperventalating, and uncontrollable crying "reflex". 

Today things finally caught up to me and I finally broke down. I haven't been home in 5 days. Skipped right over my cleaning day, so the house hadn't gotten clean. Almost ran out of diapers with no exact plan to when I'm going to wash them (I did get them in this morning, and we didn't run out, whew). Didn't even make it to the grocery store on my normal shopping day, had to go after work today and in a hurry too since the hours of our local grocery store are frustratingly early on Sunday. After a long few hours at work, very tired, and upset stomach (thanks, baby), and a hip that has returned to popping out all the time, either thanks to pregnancy or work. And tomorrow (or tonight) I have to run to the CU so that I don't end up bouncing checks tomorrow in a bad way because I didn't have any idea when our new internet was going to go through. I guess I didn't realize we were, like, automatically signed up for auto pay, but apparently we are, and that was the same money I spent on groceries tonight too.

And I was going to work tomorrow.

I think I should be able to do all these things, but it is becoming clear that I can't. I hate letting people down, saying I would do things and now not being able to. OR even the guilt that I'm letting myself down, thinking I should be able to do it, handle it, but my system won't let me. I'm rather introverted by nature, but right now I would like nothing more than to crawl into a hole and sleep and not be bothered.

But I still have a family. And they have needs, like eating. It's already been a lot of work to find something I can stand to think of eating, and I have to cook something for them that isn't something I can handle so that I don't run out of things to eat... but kids still need to eat. And they need to be cleaned, and their messes need to be cleaned, and their dishes need to be cleaned and their clothes need to be cleaned, and the floor needs to be cleaned because even though it's just been swept, little B thinks her food goes there when she's done, instead of just saying "I'm done" - which I KNOW she is MORE than capable of saying. 

And they just need their mama too. 

And mama needs herself.

I have wondered what it feels like to people with autism or anxiety attacks to not be sure you're going to be able to keep breathing. I remember now. This was definitely an anxiety attack, and I felt like it was rather bad. Of course the tipping point was an inability of anyone else to make dinner without my instructions (they're on the box for crying out loud), and the fact that I never ask anyone for help, and the one time I need help or a break, it seems like it's too much to ask. NO WONDER I don't ask for help! How can you dare ask for help or put a "ball" down when you get treated as if it's just too much for someone else to step in for a while?

I need a wife.

This is definitely for counseling. I've been planning on it anyway, but now I'm going. 

It's not going to get better when I'm stuck under an infant, exhausted and overwhelmed and unable to manage going to the bathroom.....

I just can't trust that others will step in when I need help. I guess that's normal and common with ASD too. Doesn't make it any better, but it's true. 

I'm broken today. I'm breathing a bit easier but I'm still precariously at the edge of the crying and breakdown cliff. I wish that the kids were asleep so that I could just zone out and shut down a few more "mommy senses" to get more rest. 

I don't know how working parents do it. I really don't. I have never liked to work, but with kids its magnified to a whole new level. It makes me wonder why people spend so much money that they have to both work. I can't even imagine single parents, that's a whole new level of sadness. 

I just can't. 

REFER: The Spoon Theory

I just read about this today, and it really amazed me. Her situation is different, of course, but the story can easily be changed to any other one of these "invisible" disorders, from autism to depression and anxiety, or whatever. 

The Spoon Theory

I felt really close to this post. I can't tell you how many times I have chosen not to do something because I was "out of spoons". And then I beat MYSELF up for not being able to just do whatever, because an adult "should" be able to handle and do it all, right? Especially when others who seem to have more to deal with than I do can do it. Why can't I? 

It's even worse to think that other people are thinking that about me.

I wonder how many people wonder and complain that I can't go to their houses, or something. I wonder how many people get upset and don't visit me because I can't seem to visit them. I wonder if there are people who get frustrated that they always have to choose between "my turf" or nothing at all. 

Maybe thankfully, I don't have many friends geographically close enough to me to bother visiting. I mean, for me, an hour isn't that far to drive for a friend, and I have done it on more than one occassion. In fact, I've driven twice to four times that distance for friends or family plenty of times, only to not have them return that respect in my direction.

However, to be honest, I just don't have enough spoons for that. It gets very exhausting very quickly. Usually I've used up tomorrow's spoons simply by cleaning the house and packing to leave on a trip somewhere. I'm only in the past few years learning enough about myself and my limitations to know that even though I have to plan to feel control over our travel, I need time/a day to do nothing and decompress and recover the lost spoons.

I still don't give myself enough of a break on this. I push myself until I'm past my abilities. I'm not very easy on myself about this! But maybe this idea will stick in my head and help me to be more aware of my limitations. 

Now, if I only had a tool to know when I'm reaching my limit. You see, though I agree with the spoons, I don't know how many spoons I have, so I find it very difficult to know when I'm reaching the end of my spoons. It's like I'm working on spoons hidden in a locked drawer that I don't have the key for.

What I hope for the most out of this post, is that people who know me start to understand that I need you're companionship, but you gotta stop making me use up all my spoons to get to you. Come my direction every now and then. make it a little easier on me by doing some of the work. I will have a much better visit with you if you meet on my turf, and it's not selfishly, but because I just have more spoons left over when I don't have to pack up the kids, drive an hour (or more) and then worry about my kids getting into your likely non childproofed home. ;) Just trust me on this.

Parenthood Farewell

Well, that's it! Parenthood (the show) is over.

The only reason I got into this show was because of Max. Max has changed my life. When the show started, I was not diagnosed yet. I wasn't even sure if I wanted or needed to be. It wasn't really on my radar. The more I watched, the more of myself I saw, the more I talked to people (many of which didn't believe me), the more I realized that I had to find out for sure, for myself, so that I could stop saying that I thought I could relate, so that I could find out if I actually did relate! So, I did, I am, and I do!

My son was just officially diagnosed yesterday. I've known since birth, but it became more and more apparent that I don't have the actual tools or skills to help him with his ASD any more than I have the tools or skills to help myself with my own. As an adult, there aren't exactly resources available, but it is more obvious to me every day how much I need some of the things that ASD kids are getting. For one, my emotional regulation is not good. But I digress...

I was/am devastated. I loved the show, I loved how they were so real, I loved how it wasn't about death, or murder, or killing, or vampires or witches, or other spiritual stuff. This was a show about "real people", a "real family". I say that in quotes because we all know it isn't real, but it feels like stories that could be. It is relatable, and covered a wide range of topics and stories. Of course the one I was most interested in was Max's. 

The thing that I find especially ironic right now is that just as we start our "official" journey with our son is when the show is ending. The show started with Max kicking off his journey, and its ending with us kicking off ours.

I do have the show to thank for being able to even consider being diagnosed, and doing the same for my son. I don't know if I would have even had discussions about it if it hadn't been for the show, and I might not be sitting here with all the answers to my childhood issues, and adult issues, and the answers to what will help my son. I might be in a totally different place with all of this. I don't know how I could keep going on not knowing about this part of me that affects everything else, so I guess I might have eventually been diagnosed anyway, but I know that the show and the discusions that came from that are a huge part of why.

I also realized tonight that I have a hard time with this stuff.

I have always had a hard time with movies. I'm the girl who won't watch Dumbo or Lady and the Tramp, (and I won't be showing them to my kids either), among other movies, and other reasons, because I cannot handle the emotional turmoil that they cause in my heart, my mind and my body. I could not stop crying. I had made a prediction early on in the season, and I couldn't have been more right. Still, it made for a rather devastating ending to the show, while bittersweet, then filled with clips from the future and whatnot... I can still feel myself torn up about this.

And that's just what I'm getting at. I can't do this kind of thing anymore. Years ago I distanced myself from suspenseful shows, scary shows, and shows where people were constantly being murdered and whatever. I can't take the emotional turmoil. Parenthood was the complete opposite of that kind of thing, but still, when it ends, I find myself just as emotionally distraught, and feeling just as sick over it. I don't like that feeling. I really honestly can't take this kind of thing.

I literally felt depression. I know most people don't feel depression hit them overnight, or in minutes. I know most people don't really realize they are falling into it until they are already there. But I literally felt the way I did when I had the mirena, but it happened in the span of about 5 minutes. Just all of a sudden - BOOM - it hit me like a ton of bricks. Whether it was just from the whole emotions of the episode in question here, or if it was the fact that its over and its almost like someone died (oh wait....), and the parallels between what happened in the episode and what has happened to our family in real life this past fall, or if it is the change in routine - that I won't be having Parenthood as a part of my routine anymore - it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

 Don't worry too much about me, I already know if this doesn't ease up, I will be running for the counselor! LOL But I think I will be fine. The Notebook killed me a little bit too, but I survived that just fine, eventually. 

Anyway, I don't know if this is common with people with Aspergers/ASD, or not. I know it's not real, but it feels real. They engage your real emotions, so it feels so real. It is almost like your mind is confused with your body, your body reacts like it's real and your mind knows it's not?

Either way, I don't want any more connections to any more shows! I just can't take the emotional stress. This is probably for the best anyway, as I can't stand the crap they are putting on tv anymore. Can't even watch a "good show" without having to see 26 ads for the worst shows you never wanted to hear about.

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest tonight. I'm sure this isn't the last time I'll write about it, and I'm sure that I'm going to end up reading a ton of articles about the finale or whatever. But this strong of a connection to a tv show really shakes me, and I am not sure that I like it, and I don't want any more shows!! I've been so upset that it's going to be over, and now after it is, I'm relieved. They almost imprison you don't they? No more Parenthood, no more good Veggietales. This is getting interesting isn't it? 

So. I'm just a little overwhelmed tonight. A little overtired from the release of emotions from not only the show, but the week in general. May God make this a better future, without any more addicting tv shows!

Having Your Head Shoved Under Water

Yesterday we went into town to add a line to our cell phone plan for a family member (NOT a child). That was all we intended to do. We had to check on an issue with my phone not working in the same said town, and we thought we would ask about these new "plans" our company offers because it is said they are so much cheaper than our current plans. 

Be very, very careful walking into the phone retailers these days.

Before I even knew what was happening, we were getting Iphone 5s. Seriously, before I even knew what was happening. I was still trying to wrap my mind around what happened 3 hours later when we were on our way home. 

What happened was this: You aren't on a contract anymore, and you pay for your phone in installments, which are added to your cell phone bill. You do indeed pay less for your plan (apparently), but its the fact that the cell phone is figured into that rate that makes that happen. Without that, you pay "more". 

Hindsight: We don't EVER buy the newest version of anything. We have never spent more than .99 on any of our phones previous to this. And we aren't paying 600$ for a phone, not all at once anyway. But when all is said and done, we are going to be. And because of that I feel as if I've been completely taken in.

This girl, whoever she was, was GOOD at what she does. I'll bet she's a top earner in her position, probably on the fast track to management or something. She had us running laps with broken legs. 

It worked out okay I suppose. I don't think that we will be in trouble with out bill, I think it is pretty similar to what we were paying, even with the phone. And we do get the 100$ credit for adding a line. But it makes me feel frustrated, because I had someone basically walk up to me, shove my head under the water, and hold it there for a good 3 or 4 hours. By the time I came up for air, it was too late. I realize now that this push to give you this "inexpensive" phone plan system is a way to ensure that people get the latest and greatest cost phones, at the benefit of the company alone, not the customer. DUH. Apparently, too many people were doing what we were doing: buying the older version of the phone for .99 and not buying the newest phone for 600$. 

I don't blame the company, I understand they are there to make money, and I do like that I am paying less per month and we have 3.3 X as much data as we used to and unlimited talk to anybody, which we didn't have before (we had 550 minutes or something). So we are getting more for less, as far as the plan is concerned. But it comes at the price of 1200$ for 2 brand new phones. The "good news" is that I am planning on sitting on these new phones for quite a while. Hopefully they will last that long. Next time we will try to do what we had been doing; buying previous versions and using them or something. Hopefully they won't take away the option to buy older versions. 

The result of all this is the feeling of completely overwhelmed mind. My head was spinning. I couldn't decide what to eat for dinner. I couldn't keep up with my mile-a-minute talking son. I couldn't keep up with my daughter. Without help, I may have very well have lost the phone somewhere because I would have forgotten it somewhere. Or I would have forgotten something else because of it. My mind was completely consumed. You know sometimes on a computer how you cannot open any other programs or applications while it is doing certain things? That's my brain. I could not load any other thought processes because I was still trying to process what happened with our phones. 

This morning I feel better, but last night I was completely exhausted. This can't happen again. I should have told her to walk away for a minute that one time I thought about it. I should have told her to just back off a minute and let us talk about it. Wow. I can't believe it.

Empty Glass

You know how you fill up a glass with your favorite beverage? How great it feels to have a full glass of water when you're thirsty?

Children are thirsty little life drinkers. In the morning, after a good shower and getting dressed and eaten, most mornings I'm in good shape. I am a full glass.

If I am sick, or a kid is sick, or (insert other overstimulation here), I start out the day in poor shape.

Most parents feel that bedtime is a great time. Finally, bedtime! Especially for somebody who hasn't even gone to the bathroom one time without a kid in the room or walking/crawling into the room, bedtime is glorious. 

My glass is empty. My glass is completely dry. Yet, some nights there is a persistent resistance. Every kid has this sometimes. Most nights are the glorious I speak of. But some nights, again, are just a battle. It's a "get out of my hair" time of day. It's a "this is the first chance I've had to not hear someone speaking all day". Its a "This is the first chance I've had to do my PT all day because I've been a mom all day today". 

Of course, after a week of exhaustion: baby spent 3 days screaming and needing to be held every second (I think teething and a developmental leap happened) and her not sleeping well either, and then followed by a week of big guy getting sick and being fussy and snotty and coughy and not sleeping at night because his inability to breathe woke him up disoriented and confused and crying and unable to hear us ask him what was wrong.... THEN baby and I get sick once that finally was over... its all added up to 2 weeks of pure frustration, exhaustion and madness. 

And now this battle. I'm really not doing well. I'm really fighting.

How do you refill your glass? When? What is your favorite tool for refills? 

Overwhelmed = Time To Go Home

For the first time ever, our phones got shut off because of a huge bill paying mess.

Without going into too much detail, a check was mailed, and it was cashed on July 19th, but it was not posting to our account. I've called a bunch of times to try to figure it out, they kept giving us extensions and pretty much telling us it takes 10 days to process checks. The last time I called, I was told that from the time a check is cashed through your bank, it takes 10 more business days to post. That wouldn't be until this Friday. NOW I'm told that it shouldn't take that long, that now they need to do a lost payment case, and I have to have a copy of the cashed check faxed to them. I don't fully know when this will be resolved, but I find it extremely frustrating that they have their money, yet I'm being penalized with no service until they can find their mistake. I'M the one who's guilty until I do the work to prove to them otherwise.

Needless to say, after standing at the store for maybe an hour talking to customer service, getting disconnected and having to call back again and tell the story all over again, and talking to a supervisor who apparently has no power whatsoever and cannot turn the service back on without the payment being made.... I am completely and totally spent for the day. I could probably go to bed right now and sleep until morning. 

I've often read of Aspies being completely overwhelmed by situations and being totally out of it and wiped out afterwards, but I find that rarely do those things happen to me. I am almost obsessed with making sure that everything is taken care of, even to the point where I ignore other things or overstress it so much that I ignore other things until I make sure everything is ok. I have a need to control all the balls in my world, and rarely do I drop the balls. I do a really good job normally.

This situation was beyond my control. Totally and completely out of my control. I could not do anything about getting the payment in sooner (and not only because I didn't have the money), so the payment being this late was pretty much something I had no control over, yet I and my husband are now being penalized for it. Due to some other factor, now we're stuck in this issue. It really hurts that I try SO HARD to keep it under control, and because of a completely uncontrollable factor, here we are. 

It's the most frustrated I have ever been about bills. We did what we could. We did EVERYTHING. A good, hardworking, honest person just can't make it anymore. 

And though I had several other things to do today, I quit. I went home. I left. I guess I have to go to town tomorrow anyway, so I will hopefully deal with it more then. But I felt so disappointed and frustrated that I couldn't get it all done today so that tomorrow wouldn't have to be so stressful.

I just hate this. And I'm totally exhausted. And now that I'm going to be gone tomorrow, I have to make sure to clean house today so that I don't have to worry about it tomorrow. Sigh. And like I said, I'm exhausted. 

Pain, Lots of Pain

I have recently developed pain both under my rib and around into my back. This is causing me a great deal of distress! I don't really deal well with most pain.

The problem with pain is that it is really distracting. I feel as if I simply cannot function. The pain takes over and overwhelms all my other senses. I am highly irritable, not only from the pain, but also from the fact that this pain is really persistent and constant. There is little to nothing I can do right now to get this pain to stop. Tylenol hardly touches it, stretching hasn't done anything for it, using good posture makes no difference. The only thing that does seem to work is pushing on it, lying on a tennis ball, or massage. This helps greatly reduce the pain, but it always comes back.

What I am thinking is going on is that the entire right side of my back has tightness in the muscles there, from my shoulders on down. I think these muscles are pulling my ribcage, and because of the pregnancy hormones, it is pulling my ribcage "out of place/joint".

I have a chiropractic appointment on Monday, when we are on our way to our babymoon! However, I don't think I will be able to make it that long. I am thinking I might have to go tomorrow. I can't sleep. The only position that makes it eased is lying flat on my back, a big no no for women in their third trimester (which I just begun). So, doing that makes me nervous, even though it is the only position that eases my pain. I thought being on all fours would help but that doesn't do anything to ease it anymore (it did the first day I felt this much pain).

Of course, because I am in pain, and I am more cranky than usual, and I am very impatient and moody, I then end up feeling guilty because I can't tolerate B doing certain things. I get annoyed when he is making a lot of noise, playing and talking constantly, or trying to get me to do something with him. I simply cannot handle doing something with this kind of pain. It feels at times as if someone has stuck a knife in my back and its sticking out the front too. 

Again, I think it must be something out of joint because it is in the same rib area in the front and back. Some points in my back if I press into the tennis ball it will feel stabby in the front ribcage area. So I am really hoping that it is something a chiropractor can fix... my other options are certainly more distressing: kidney or gallbladder problems. I am not really having any other symptoms however, just this constant pain. It doesn't seem to matter when or what I have eaten, it hurts more in certain positions, and as I said, if I get it rubbed it feels better for a period of time. I think that because of the pregnancy hormones, it doesn't take as long to start hurting again because its so much easier than normal to shift my ribcage around. I could almost feel it shifting when I turned from side to side in bed last night.

But anyway, it causes a bit of sensory overload. It is like being in a crowded mall, with loud annoying music, flickering flourescents, and rude people all over the place. This is pretty bad pain. I had a natural birth with my first, and I am here to tell you I would much rather be in labor right now than to have to deal with this pain. My labor and delivery of my son was great! Sure, it hurt, but considering how I usually function with pain, it was NOTHING in comparison to this. It might seem as if I am some kind of wimp, but really, when you are in labor, no one expects you to play with or read to another child, wash dishes, clean the house, make meals, or even do anything that requires using your brain for anything except pain management and focusing on getting through the birth. I have this horrible pain in my ribs and back, and I still have to try to function normally? I can't do it. I feel terrible. It is like having the flu, only worse because I feel fine everywhere else, but can't get my head to cooperate with daily tasks.

So tomorrow I think I will try to go to the chiropractor. My other option is a physical therapist, or even my doctor (hoping once again it is not some medical issue!). But I honestly hope that the chiropractor will be able to help. I have a friend nearby who could do some kind of massage that I think I will try to get ahold of first, if she isn't available, then to the chiro I go. I usually can lay down on the floor and stretch my back out and get it to crack, and honestly lately that hasn't been happening, so I know things must be getting tight and/or inflexible back there! That's totally not normal for me, and I must say it is quite annoying! 

I will say this, I have said it before and I'll say it again: If I had gone through this much torture the first time, I might never have even considered a second pregnancy! I'm glad for my family, but I think I'm even more glad that I'm pretty confident I can be done after this. I'll have my older boy, and baby girl, one of each, and with all the troubles, I can be done. I never thought I would get to that point. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can be done with the whole having kids thing. Sigh!

Going Away

One week from yesterday, we are going away! 

My husband has had a really long winter at work. With the added stress of trying to buy his own truck (which he decided against), and dealing with the regular little breakdowns which peaked last week with something to be fixed almost every other load, he is tired, and I am tired too. I'm trying to think of why I might be so tired. Sure, I'm pregnant, but this feels as if its above and beyond. I'm going to say that just as stressed as he has been, I have been for him. It has been a long winter!

So we decided we needed to go away for a couple nights. We honestly shouldn't, we honestly are going to really pull the strings tight this month in order to do it, but it is going to be worth it. We are going to a beautiful hotel that we have always wanted to stay at but never have, and we are leaving our son with some trusted friends who have a boy his age and another younger boy. It isn't an ideal situation from B's perspective, but I think it will work out just fine.

We plan to basically sit in the hotel room the whole time and just relax. I'll bring some books, there will be the TV of course, and the hot tub, and the pool (for the husband because I don't have a swimsuit that fits me right now! LOL).... We might decide to go out for a few things maybe, might take a drive up to Gooseberry Falls, one of our favorite places. And of course since we are in Duluth, on the lakeshore, I'm sure I will find myself down there on the lakeshore. :)

We don't do this. We NEVER do this. Of course, before B, we could do this at home. To an extent, we still can, grandparents love to have their grandkid over. However, there's something special about this year, there's something different about this upcoming vacation, this is the last thing we will do alone together before the NEW little B arrives. :) This is our babymoon. This is the last night we will be alone for quite a while, since we're the kind of parent who believes in keeping our babies near us until they are older.

For family who might be reading this, if you want to help us out here with $, we would appreciate it, but we don't expect it. ;) LOL!
I had teased hubby that he could take me out to a fancy restaurant. I think I will even bring a nice dress to wear just in case that happens. We most certainly have NEVER gone out to a fancy restaurant. Unless you count Olive Garden (which we have a gift card to thanks to a birthday present from some good friends, so we will end up there for at least one meal!)

I cannot wait! This is going to be so nice! I think with my Aspergers, and my hubby's Asperger's tendencies, we both need some time not only alone together, but alone. Like I said, I will probably end up on the lakeshore, and hubby will be in the room watching whatever he wants to watch (something else that he NEVER gets to do!). The only thing I can ask for is that the weather be good for pictures. Not too sunny, but not snowing like crazy either. I should start checking the weather forecasts!

Going To Town

I just got home from town. I am exhausted.

I didn't used to know why going to town and shopping made me so frustrated. I just assumed that it was the fact that I had so much to do, so much was needed, too little money, and its hard to shop with a kid. We used to go shopping for our "date" when we were dating and first married, and we would go late at night. So there wasn't many people, but it was late, so we would get tired. But it made for a nice date.

Now, I know for sure I have Aspergers, and things are different! Really different. Don't get me wrong, I still get COMPLETELY overwhelmed. I still get COMPLETELY stressed out. But at least now I have some idea why. The lights, the sounds, the noises, the rude people, other drivers, weather related hazards, and still too much to buy/needed, and not enough money. The whole situation is overwhelming and no matter how hard I try to keep it together, its hard to budget this stuff. Prices where I live can vary so much that even if I budgeted, I could be off by a lot of $. That's frustrating, because its not like we go shopping for a lot of wants or something. (See next post for example...)

I can at least get in the car between places and tell myself that this is ok, feeling like this is normal for me, and I can just refocus and tell myself what else I have to do before being done for the day. The drive home is always a decompression. Today was rather frustrating, and its probably due to being pregnant. And, I dared to try on bras at the store today (again, see next post). So, after such a stressful day I listened to classical music all the way home. Bonus: it was B's favorite going to sleep soundtrack, so he was quiet and went to sleep on the way home, giving me extra silence time!

Now, don't get me started on the fact that we can't get out of the pickup without opening the windows, and now you can't get in the drivers door either, along with the fact that the care needs new tires, the furnace is acting up, the stovetop is not working properly, and the refrigerator water dispenser leaks..... All at once. RIGHT?! That's always the way it is.

BUT, I scored some AWESOME little girl clothes today for my sister (and hopefully for us as hand me downs!) and even some maternity pants, and my friend from up here brought over her 2 boxes of maternity clothes. :) Yay!

Diagnosis is 90% of the Cure

Before I even start this post I want to be clear: I am among a large group of Autism Spectrum people who DO NOT BELIEVE Autism needs to be cured. Just want to make that clear (based on the title, it could appear otherwise).

When I say "cure", I simply mean "manageable" or "less stressful".

This weekend I went to women's retreat. This is an entire weekend, Friday night thru Sunday afternoon, where there are usually close to 400 of us women in one resort. We have a lot of seminar/meetings, meals together, more classes, more meetings. Usually it amounts to 4 large whole group meetings, and 2 smaller divided times for 4 different presentations, as well as 4 meal times as a group.

The only problem with this is that there is very little down time. Between the large groups, the small groups, there is almost literally no time at all to be by yourself, unless you skip a class. And for me, I go for the meetings, so I am very hesitant to skip one at all, and in addition, it is in the fall, in MINNESOTA (who scheduled this at this time of year!?) so its COLD, and not a whole lot of fun to be anywhere but inside anyway. This year it even snowed, which made it worse for me. 

This is only the second time I have gone to women's retreat. Last year I felt as if I wanted to smack people in the face. Not because they were doing anything wrong, specifically, but because I was internally so empty, I had nothing left. My bucket empties when I'm with people, and it only refills with time alone to do what I want, and again, no time to refill the bucket. 

This year was different. Now I KNOW what I'm dealing with. I KNOW why I feel that way. I KNOW my tendency to be overwhelmed and empty. I did manage to sneak away after a couple of the meetings. After the Friday night meeting, I went out behind a tree by the lake. It was my favorite kind of tree - a weeping willow. As I stood under there, I could breathe. I thought about sitting down on the ground (it had not snowed) and when I did, apparently I spooked a beaver about 5 feet out into the lake, who smacked his tail a few times, and scared ME! I took some pictures and just relaxed a while. 

By the end of the weekend, I think I was overreacting a little over text to my poor husband, (but really, asking 800 times this weekend if I was coming home yet IS kinda annoying), but I was at least able to say that this is normal for me. I will be just fine. It isn't that people are trying to be rude or mean, I'm just overwhelmed, exhausted, and my bucket is empty! All I had to do was be patient with myself, knowing that its just a few hours until I would leave and have the car to myself all the way home. AH! :)

And I had a quiet ride back. 

I did have some people I followed back at least part of the way (luckily, the part that it was snowing the most). So that was nice, at least I knew if I went in the ditch I would have someone right there. lol

I could have ridden with them, and saved the gas money. But I honestly NEED that time in the car alone. If I didn't have that, I wouldn't have anything when I got home to a husband and son who missed me very much! I also got lucky and got home while hubby was loading the truck (with son with him) so I got to unload the car, unpack and get "organized" after getting home, as well as sit and watch part of a movie, all before they got home. So that was nice, and helped my bucket to be extra full for my son and hubby. :) So it ended up being a good relaxing evening. We even went to bed SUPER early (I did not see the clock read 8 PM last night, which is UNHEARD of, even though I could have found a lot to read or play on my phone!)

So, as the title implies, KNOWING is 90% of my "cure". KNOWING that I have Aspergers, the social limitations that go along with that, and the needs I have being the person that I am, it makes life a lot more enjoyable and easy to deal with. I know MUCH more about who I am, and why I feel the way I do sometimes. I wished that every person could find out for sure, could know for sure. I wish that 100% of people knew more about Autism Spectrum (as well as many many other conditions/personalities/diseases/handicaps/etc) so that instead of being afraid of the different, we can understand each other better, and understand each other's needs, and be more able to provide for others the things they need in their life and their situation. KNOWLEDGE = "CURE"

Crab Apple Jelly

Today I tried (for the 2nd time) to make crab apple jelly.

The first time I didn't have any real way to strain it or drain it, so it ended up all screwed up. It's ok, I have MORE than enough crab apples to screw things up with. 

Today went much better. :) I've got 8 small jars all done. It is a time consuming process. It is a labor intensive process. And no matter how many I make at a time, it doesn't seem to make much of a dent in the apples I have. So, I know that it is going to take a long long time to get this all to work. ;)

The last batch I did based on a youtube video. It worked just fine, and so far 5 of the 6 have self sealed. They are more liquid looking than I had hoped, maybe I didnt boil them long enough, or maybe I do need to add some pectin. I didn't add any pectin in the first test batch, and it turned out just fine (so it appears - it is much thicker in the jars)

Anyway, it is hard to do this. There are so many apples, I am easily overwhelmed by how large a project this really is. I'm glad for the "shortcuts" but I just hope all the shortcutting actually does make good jelly. My overwhelmed self wants to just cook them all at once and get it over with, and yet, I know I cant really get a good result that way (besides it would take longer than the day is long).

Patience. I don't have a lot of it.

Aspies & Empathy: "Aspies Do Not Lack Empathy; We Crave It" - Aspiewriter

Once again, I'm posting another blog post by Aspiewriter!
There's a reason she's a writer. She's got the words. Some of the things she has written lately, I just can't help reposting because she is saying things I have not been able to articulate, or haven't realized what exactly is going on.

In this post, she talks about empathy. As I read it, I realized that the reason that I prefer to work by myself is probably because I'm taking in all the emotions around me, and not only is that very confusing, but it is very stressful. If my coworker is stressed, I feel stressed. This makes me unable to work as effectively as I would like, and it has driven me crazy all summer that I can't understand why I feel so odd. It could be a perfectly fine day, and all of a sudden I feel completely overwhelmed. There's too many emotions around me!

But at the same time, as she says, I disconnect from the "big picture" things. 9-11 doesn't really register on my radar, because I didn't know anyone who died. What I DO know is that everyone around me was completely stressed, devastated, scared and overwhelmed by the situation, and since I didn't understand it, I didn't understand their emotions, but I felt them and it was one of the most overwhelming things I have ever experienced. They felt all those things directly, but to me, they were strangers, I didn't understand the political perspective (I categorized it under "accident" for quite a few hours), and I knew no one who was involved or died (until a few hours or days later when my mom told me my uncle was in the pentagon... but he was fine.).

Anyway, I'm getting off track. Here is the link to her post, because it is just awesome.

http://www.aspiewriter.com/2012/09/aspies-crave-do-not-lack-empathy-we.html

Examples of plans going wrong...

I wish I had the words to express this the way I'm thinking it.

I plan things. I think naturally, I'm a planner. Although life recently doesn't show it. I fly by the seat of my pants mostly now, but I'm not convinced that this makes me very happy. I like plans.

I even plan simple things, like how my day is going to go.
Example #1: I drive to work planning I will do a certain job. I could either be happy about this particular job I'm planning on doing, or dreading it. When I get to work, often I'm wrong, and end up doing a different job. Again, this can make me happy or disappointed, because I do like different jobs more than others, and in addition, right now I have tendonitis requiring me to wear a splint, and its much harder to do some of the jobs that I used to like. So, these days its harder.

Mostly, I get disappointed when the plan I had in mind doesn't happen.

Example #2: I can plan that tonight I'm going to go for a run. But it rains, the bugs are bad, husband ends up busy and can't be here to watch the kid, or my battery on my phone is too close to dead. Then I end up feeling like the evening is wasted because things didn't go to plan.

Example #3: Family from either side can be visiting. I'll picture that they will come over to my house to visit, maybe we will even make supper. Maybe I'll call to where they are and see if there is a plan. More often than not, family leaves, they NEVER stop in to see me, and I am again disappointed that my plans didn't go as I imagined them, and add in the additional fact that I expect more from family than normal people because of the expectation or "picture" that family is supposed to care about you more than anyone else because they are family. This particular mentality is ever changing and is starting to separate a bit into "family members who will" and "family members who wont" and I am expecting less from certain family members, which hurts, but it hurts less than expecting something they cannot or will not perform.

Example #4: I have plans to go to work. Kid gets sick. Now, I'm very sad for kid who is sick. I want to stay with him and help him when he's not feeling well. But it is a HUGE disruption to my plans, and again, I end up disappointed that I had gotten up mentally prepared to go to work, and now I'm staying home (which I honestly prefer anyway) and I'm upset because that wasn't the plan. This one I recover from quicker than most. :P

Example #5: I imagine the life of someone else. I imagine the things that will happen in their life. I can't wait to see them _______. I don't really have interest in sharing this thought with them, but sometimes and with certain people I do. I also do this in my own life, like imagining I would get married, wait a couple years, and have a kid (which I followed exactly in that order because, obviously, I have control over that!). 

Usually, my "plans" for other people also do not match up to what I have expected or imagined. I KNOW they are imaginary thoughts. I KNOW I have NO control or power over the life, choices, or outcomes of anybody else. Usually, I end up not caring about the results, in the way that its ok, because their life goes on, my life goes on, everything is fine. It is just in the initial period that I'm thrown off. I don't know how to respond to myself and the disappointment that I feel that my picture is now adequately scribbled on in black ink. 

I guess I have always been this way. I like to plan things. Conversations even. This is probably due to the social anxiety, I tend to plan what I'm going to say if I can. This way, #1 I have something to say (because I struggle with coming up with something on the fly..) and #2, I can already prepare words instead of searching for them or tripping over them. I can sometimes feel like I'm stuttering!
In another way, I have conversations that are "planned conversations" but they are more imaginary, for blowing off steam, for all the things I SHOULD have said, or for releasing tension about something, someone, or an interaction or something. Yes, people, I talk to myself. In the car is a great place because no one is there. Now, don't go driving around in my direction to see if I'm talking to myself. I do listen to music a lot as well, and I don't just listen, I SING.

Anyway, I'm just trying to give you some idea about why I might be upset sometimes. I have preplanned something. And when it didn't go the way I pictured it, I feel out of control, or unbalanced, or fretful. This isn't because I'm a control freak or NEED to control you or anyone or anything really, I just like to be prepared for things. I like to imagine whats going to happen so that I can be prepared for any social, emotional, and physical experiences I might have or something.

Emotional surprises are hard for me because I have had no way to prepare for them. Then usually I end up reacting wrongly, regretting how I acted because it wasn't how I truly felt or feel, and .... its just completely awkward. Then I'm wishing for a redo.

This happens to me a lot, and I'm sure that it drives my husband crazy. He is SUCH a good guy, and he hasn't ever been mean to me about it or anything, and sometimes he "lets me have my way", which by the way, isn't usually what will "solve the problem" or help get rid of the mood. Getting my way isn't really what I want, I just wanted things to go how I pictured them, and now theres a "smear" of how it DIDN'T go that way already in there, so it doesn't matter if I "get my way" or not.
Poor Hubby, he asked me to marry him while driving a pickup somewhere. I begged him for a "redo" - for him to do it like I pictured it, down on one knee and etc. He never did. Which I'm willing to forgive him for because he did mean it, and we have a wonderful life together. Is the proposal of "my dreams" worth giving up on for him? Yep. See, sometimes things not going as planned is ok. I just need recovery time. An hour, a day, a year. Whatever. :)

Expectations vs Reality

So this odd thing happened today.

You know how when you are sitting somewhere, and you "plan" on what you are going to do when you can get up and "go", or something?

So, I had a plan about how it would go when I was going to get up and leave. Well, in the meantime, Brody threw a fit, I had to leave before it ended, and I didn't get to "finish" what I planned on doing. Jeff picked up our things and brought them to the car. Very thoughtful, but kinda messed with my groove. Then we ended up getting confused, and I ended up cranky.

See, I make plans in my head, like a way of knowing what to expect. When plans go awry, then I get a little shook up. Top that off with the Brody tantrum that started the whole thing, and I was really shook. This is common, and hard to handle. However, at least now I can look at it out of a lens of Aspergers, and understand that its just a part of the deal, and it will be ok. It gives me a lot more clarity. It helps me to understand why I seem like I'm acting crazy.

Overstimulated

Sometimes, I get really antsy, and I really just need to be alone. Sometimes I run from any and all interactions, and just prefer to read, zone out on the computer, or whatever.

I get overstimulated. I think I get overstimulated more often than I realize, and I just do what I do without knowing that theres a reason I'm running away.

Today I was running a vacuum cleaning corners and such at the place I work. This means hours of running this vacuum. At one point when I was moving something the other workers had music on and it was up rather loud. Just way too much stimulation, I was really getting a pounding head, my ears hurt, they were ringing, and I just needed to be away. I had to finish my job unfortunately. But lunchtime, I just needed to be alone.

Often, this makes me seem upset, angry, annoyed, whatever. Really, I am. Usually I'm not upset at anyone in particular, but if you cross me, even slightly, during my overstimulation, I will be upset with you. See, I can't handle any more stimulation aka talking, drama, attitude, anything. I just need to have, I guess more controlled environment with less "going on". I need to escape!

So. That is what I was thinking about today. Overstimulation is something I'm becoming more aware of, and its something I need to find a way to notice BEFORE it becomes an all consuming problem. Though, sometimes I still can't escape the overstimulation, so I don't know what I would do about it even if I knew ahead of time.. :P

Rumors, Rejections, Misunderstanding, Aspergers

 "Ericka may feel quite insecure and/or pessimistic about the future. She may also feel inferior to others, has little self-confidence, and does not always feel capable of solving her problems."

"Ericka has very few friends, and others think she is hard to get to know. She is quiet, submissive, and conventional, and she lacks self-confidence in dealing with other people. Individuals with this passive and withdrawing lifestyle are often unable to assert themselves appropriately and are frequently taken advantage of by others."

"The MCMI-III pattern achieved by Ericka suggests an ongoing conflict between her desire to develop secure and warm relationships and a fear of having to relate to others she cannot or will not trust. Ericka wants to be close and affectionate with others but anticipates disillusionment from such relationships. She may lack self-esteem and expect to be humiliated. Others may have either deprecated or disapproved of her self-expressive attempts. Ericka's relations with others may often be petulant and passively aggressive, causing others to view her possibly as a sulky, irritable, and argumentative person. Occasionally, Ericka may attack others capriciously for their lack of support and for what she sees as their unreasonable expectations and demands. To bind her anger and thereby protect herself against further isolation, she may become anxiously depressed and withdraw into her own world. It would appear that Ericka's daydreaming and moodiness frequently evoke negative reactions from others, which only serve to reinforce her withdrawal tendencies.

Ericka may feel that she is unable to muster the wherewithal to overcome the deficits she sees in her life or to achieve the support she desires from others. Hence, she may vacillate, turning first against herself, expressing feelings of unworthiness and uselessness, then turning against others, acting petulant and irresponsibly. Feeling unappreciated and demeaned by others, she may find that withdrawing and daydreaming provides her with some satisfactions that are otherwise unattainable."

"Ericka displayed strong empathy for animals and children, but her understanding of adult emotions and behaviors appeared intellectualized. Ericka described several situations where, much to her surprise, others had to explain to her that her behaviors were having a strong negative impact on them."

I am once again taken by surprise that someone would take my words to mean something they do not mean. Trying not to get into details here, but fact of the matter is that I try to trust people, and this is the thanks that I get! Rumors are spread about something I "supposedly said", which I didn't actually say at all, and now people are hurt. Of course, I'm hurt too. How could anyone take someone else's words, twist them and then turn around and stab me in the back with them? 

This is a repetitive story that seems to be happening over and over in my life. I think I can trust someone, and BAM! I'm proven again and again that I cannot. DURING the accusation, I blame myself. Tell myself how its highly likely that I did do what I'm being accused of. Desperation takes over, as I try to figure out where and how I went wrong. I search, I ask, I reflect. I find nothing.

Then I'm usually left for very strong emotions. Emotions of anger that I was misunderstood. Emotions of sadness and tears that I am so alone. Emotions of frustration that I'm still living where I am, even though I am finally desperate to get out of here. Frustration that even though I stay out of people's lives and privacy, yet they do not stay out of mine. Fears of being misunderstood. Confusion about how to make it right when apologizing doesn't seem to do the job. Pain that I'm always being used, taken advantage of, and I never know it until its too late and someone else is hurt over something said about me, which is usually a lie.

It's the real life version of a hollywood gossip magazine. If you read it/hear it from there, its a lie. 

Sometimes I know or can find out who has broken my trust, but often I don't know, which makes it worse. Which person out of this group of people could it have possibly been? NOW what do I do? How can I prevent this kind of misunderstanding in the future? How can I be sure this person won't attack me this way again? Why are they doing this? What, is there no one else to gossip about, so we have to pick on that "strange" girl who doesn't hang out with anyone in town (and whom we know nothing about, so really, we don't have any true statements to make about her)? Who are these people and why are they even involved in my life, why do they even care what I do or say anyway?

I remember a time where a friend of mine led me along on this idea we would do something, and I was kinda excited about it. Then at the last minute she pulled the rug out from under my feet, called me all kinds of names, and rejected me and teased me because I would want to do such a thing. It was all so innocent. I was trying to be cool about it, and it was HER IDEA. I won't ever forget it. I feel as if I saw my own "deer in headlights" face and I can't get the burned memory of that experience out of my head. 

Trust me. If I had actually done what I'm accused of doing, NO ONE would learn the lesson more than me. However, if I were the kind of person who would actually have done what I'm accused of, I probably would learn nothing. If I were the kind of heartless person who would talk about someone else in order to ruin their reputation, I guess I probably wouldn't care.

But I do care. I want people's respect. I want my words to be taken the way I mean them, not the way someone gossips about them.
And for once in my life, I would like to NOT take responsibility for something I didn't do. Like I said, my first gut reaction is to be responsible, on the small chance that I DID accidentally or inavertantly say something or do something that could have been misunderstood. I don't want to lie, and to end up finding out I was wrong to defend myself and say I didn't. Unfortunately, this probably ends up making me seem more guilty when I am not at fault. 

I have this bad trait of accepting people. I have this bad sense of judgement when it comes to whom I can trust. I have this inability to screen people for their trustworthiness. I would really like to think that people I let into my little bubble are people I can trust. I am already selective to my social groups because I don't have the time or energy for a lot of drama, and because of these kinds of experiences, I'm protective of myself! So when someone who is apparently IN my little bubble stabs me in the back, I take it as a reflection of my poor choice to let them in. I take it as a reflection of my poor judgement, thinking I could trust them to properly understand me. I blame myself for allowing someone to be so misunderstanding of me as a person, that my words were taken in a way that they were never meant to be taken. They didn't know me well enough to know what I meant by what I said, and that somehow is my fault. I shouldn't have trusted them so completely. I shouldn't have let them into that messy statement. I should have known better than to say something that could have been misinterpreted so badly and wrongly.

So, see, it's my fault. Again, I'm taking responsibility for the fact that someone misunderstood my words, and stabbed me in the back with them. It's my fault I said anything that I should have kept private. It's my fault that I trusted them. I'm praying and searching and seeking for the ability to see where I went wrong. To have some kind of proof I am the "bad person" they say I am. Because I tend to believe people, and what they say, even if I know in my heart they are wrong, maybe there's a possibility that they are right. Maybe I just didn't see it. 

After an examination of the facts, I can discover... "no, wait, I've checked, I'm still pretty sure on my position."

I am heartbroken for the person who was hurt. Not because I got "caught", but because they are being used by someone who misunderstood and twisted something I said to mean something it does not. I am heartbroken because I want to be trusted, and now I don't think they can trust me. I'm heartbroken because they were just as emotional, just as hurt as I am. Because I didn't filter my public use of words good enough. Because I use a "public" place to vent my frustrations at all. Because I use it too much. Because I trusted someone, and I don't even know who, and now I know I can't trust people again. I hate this reminder.

I'm really tired of being used. This kind of life is exhausting. It makes me fearful for someone to have this kind of intentions toward me, especially when I don't know which direction its coming from. Its like being blind and not knowing who smacked you upside the head with a brick.

This is Aspergers. Not able to understand or believe or see why someone would want to behave this way. Being innocent and naive makes it really easy for people to use you. Not understanding the drama, the game playing, the advantage to putting someone else down. How does a person gain anything by lying and twisting and manipulating? How do they sleep at night living that way? If I acted like they say I do, and if I acted like they are, the guilt would eat me alive, and I would probably kill myself, or at the least, self medicate through drugs and alcohol. NO WONDER. Makes things make sense a little bit around here.

I've been taken advantage of. I'm tired of it. You think you know me, you rumor spreaders, you word twisters. God is the only person who knows every single part of me. God knows the intentions of my heart when I post or say things. I'll be honest, I'm not perfect, and my intentions are not always perfect either. But honestly, it doesn't happen often because I consider myself an honest person, and I consider myself to be someone who says what she means, means what she says, and doesn't have any hidden implied meanings or game playing or drama. I don't understand people playing those games with me, why would I play them myself?

 Why me? Why me again?

You know the part in "Never Been Kissed" where she reveals she is a 25 year old reporter who's been beating her brains out trying to impress those popular kids? Then she says they will spend a lifetime putting others down because it makes them feel better - and points to the "nerdy" girl and says "WHY HER!!"

Story of my life. Why me? Why do people want to hurt me? Why do people pick ME as someone to gossip about, someone to tell nasty lies about, spread rumors about? Why are they working so hard to imagine up these words, these situations, these lies, about me? What is so important about me that I'm chosen to be gossipped about. Why isn't there ONE person out there who is willing to be like "You know, I don't think thats true." Why isn't there ONE person out there who could stop the rumors? 

I'm just riddled with emotions, thoughts, confusions, frustrations, fears.

OK! Now that I've posted about it, refreshed your memory back to my original diagnosis information, and elaborated on my thought process.... I'm moving on to my normal life. I'm moving into my head for a few days. If I don't post, please don't think I've given up on the blog, but I need a vacation. Thanks.

Short posts, Long posts

A part of all this, I tend to be long winded about things. 

I just got the app for blogger on my phone. However, I don't treat my phone the same; I do less on it than on a real computer. Mostly because its hard to see things well.

Anyway, I concluded that due to the fact that its more tedious to post from there, when and if I do, it will be a short post, probably about something more specific, during the course of my day.

When I have the chance to be online through a real computer, it will be a longer post, probably about something more reflective, as my other posts have been.

That being said, I will talk more about my "long posts".

I have a hard time filtering information. I know a lot about a lot. I have a lot of things that are connected. So when someone asks a question, I make the mistake of "flooding" them or "drowning" them with "too much information". In person this is because my eye contact ends after I start speaking. So I don't see any cues a person might make that its enough. (Granted, even if I WERE looking, I might not see them then either!)
So then I end up "in hot water" with people because they stop reading at a certain point (don't we all?) with some kind of response, and they don't read the rest of what I said to put what they read into context. 

This happens a lot. I mean, I just have a lot to "say". This happens more online than in person, so there's REALLY no cues there. No one on the other side of the computer stops you midsentence or something. 

What I really want is just to be "heard". People misunderstand, thinking that I want things to be my way, or that I talk like I know it all, or something. What they dont understand is, just like everyone else, I just want to be heard. I want to be told my thoughts are understood, and are valid and good thoughts. Especially if asked for advice, I give it. Especially if its something I have a passion for. (Weather, breastfeeding, attachment parenting,  religion). The ideas and suggestions I give are just ideas and suggestions (after all, you asked!), yet all the time I get told I'm judging or being pushy or something. 

Don't get me started on the fact that I don't agree with this "Don't Judge Me" attitude that every single person with a thought seems to have these days. I could be completely free of any judgemental thought or intent, and I get told "Don't judge ME!" Wait wait, I wasn't judging you! In MY mind, that person just blamed ME for their own self judgement. Don't involve me in your feelings of guilt! And, more simply, I am NOT responsible for your feelings. No one "makes" anyone else "feel" anything. You can CHOOSE to feel something, or you can choose not to.... but I digress...

I just want to be heard. I know everyone is going to make their own choices. I'm not clueless. But to know that when asked advice, I gave mine, even if the receiver didn't like it or agree to it, the least a person can do is "hear" me. 

One of those "listening" things. 

And by the way, the more I sense a person really "hears" me, the more I am able to "hear" them. I'm not completely out of touch with reality, but I do have a hard time feeling safe enough to "hear" someone else. I spent my whole childhood "hearing" other people talk about me, laugh at me, pick on me, and otherwise torture me. It's not safe in my head to hear someone else. 

That's complicated. I might have to explain more. But today, I'm very tired.