Pain, Lots of Pain

I have recently developed pain both under my rib and around into my back. This is causing me a great deal of distress! I don't really deal well with most pain.

The problem with pain is that it is really distracting. I feel as if I simply cannot function. The pain takes over and overwhelms all my other senses. I am highly irritable, not only from the pain, but also from the fact that this pain is really persistent and constant. There is little to nothing I can do right now to get this pain to stop. Tylenol hardly touches it, stretching hasn't done anything for it, using good posture makes no difference. The only thing that does seem to work is pushing on it, lying on a tennis ball, or massage. This helps greatly reduce the pain, but it always comes back.

What I am thinking is going on is that the entire right side of my back has tightness in the muscles there, from my shoulders on down. I think these muscles are pulling my ribcage, and because of the pregnancy hormones, it is pulling my ribcage "out of place/joint".

I have a chiropractic appointment on Monday, when we are on our way to our babymoon! However, I don't think I will be able to make it that long. I am thinking I might have to go tomorrow. I can't sleep. The only position that makes it eased is lying flat on my back, a big no no for women in their third trimester (which I just begun). So, doing that makes me nervous, even though it is the only position that eases my pain. I thought being on all fours would help but that doesn't do anything to ease it anymore (it did the first day I felt this much pain).

Of course, because I am in pain, and I am more cranky than usual, and I am very impatient and moody, I then end up feeling guilty because I can't tolerate B doing certain things. I get annoyed when he is making a lot of noise, playing and talking constantly, or trying to get me to do something with him. I simply cannot handle doing something with this kind of pain. It feels at times as if someone has stuck a knife in my back and its sticking out the front too. 

Again, I think it must be something out of joint because it is in the same rib area in the front and back. Some points in my back if I press into the tennis ball it will feel stabby in the front ribcage area. So I am really hoping that it is something a chiropractor can fix... my other options are certainly more distressing: kidney or gallbladder problems. I am not really having any other symptoms however, just this constant pain. It doesn't seem to matter when or what I have eaten, it hurts more in certain positions, and as I said, if I get it rubbed it feels better for a period of time. I think that because of the pregnancy hormones, it doesn't take as long to start hurting again because its so much easier than normal to shift my ribcage around. I could almost feel it shifting when I turned from side to side in bed last night.

But anyway, it causes a bit of sensory overload. It is like being in a crowded mall, with loud annoying music, flickering flourescents, and rude people all over the place. This is pretty bad pain. I had a natural birth with my first, and I am here to tell you I would much rather be in labor right now than to have to deal with this pain. My labor and delivery of my son was great! Sure, it hurt, but considering how I usually function with pain, it was NOTHING in comparison to this. It might seem as if I am some kind of wimp, but really, when you are in labor, no one expects you to play with or read to another child, wash dishes, clean the house, make meals, or even do anything that requires using your brain for anything except pain management and focusing on getting through the birth. I have this horrible pain in my ribs and back, and I still have to try to function normally? I can't do it. I feel terrible. It is like having the flu, only worse because I feel fine everywhere else, but can't get my head to cooperate with daily tasks.

So tomorrow I think I will try to go to the chiropractor. My other option is a physical therapist, or even my doctor (hoping once again it is not some medical issue!). But I honestly hope that the chiropractor will be able to help. I have a friend nearby who could do some kind of massage that I think I will try to get ahold of first, if she isn't available, then to the chiro I go. I usually can lay down on the floor and stretch my back out and get it to crack, and honestly lately that hasn't been happening, so I know things must be getting tight and/or inflexible back there! That's totally not normal for me, and I must say it is quite annoying! 

I will say this, I have said it before and I'll say it again: If I had gone through this much torture the first time, I might never have even considered a second pregnancy! I'm glad for my family, but I think I'm even more glad that I'm pretty confident I can be done after this. I'll have my older boy, and baby girl, one of each, and with all the troubles, I can be done. I never thought I would get to that point. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can be done with the whole having kids thing. Sigh!

Last Minute

I know I have never been the kind of person who deals well with changes at the last minute. I think in my life I have done rather well, I can handle major changes in general pretty well. It's the ones that come at the last second that drive me up the wall. Mostly because I plan ahead in my mind what a day (or whatever) is going to be like. Then some last minute change comes along and pulls the rug out from under me and I'm left feeling rather frustrated or very sad. 

This seems to be pretty common with Aspergers. We don't like unexpected change. Maybe this is why so many of us desire and obsess over gathering information and knowledge about something. We want to be as prepared as we can be, and know as much about something as we can, so that not much can take us by surprise. 

For example, when I was first pregnant, I got my hands on a lot of very informative material! Though I refused to read the "What To Expect..." series, I was given books through my insurance company healthy start program, and my doctor's office. One of the books that meant a lot to me was "The Birth Book" by Sears. This book is still the best book on birth I have ever read. No book I have run across since has been as honest and informative as that book. Of course, if you know the Sears', you know they have written quite a few books on parenting and related topics. Both Martha and William Sears have written books as well as their son Robert, who wrote "The Vaccine Book". So of course I got my hands on as many of those as possible as well, and read them too.

Not much has changed with this pregnancy! I still rely on the same resources that I loved so much the first time around. I am going to read "The Birth Book" again, because I know it gave me so much motivation and information the first time, I want that same confidence the second time! It has been more than 6 years after all! I like to be reminded why I made the choices I made to avoid drugs and other interventions, and I am more concerned with my birth plan being respected this time. In addition to my husband I am having a friend come as well, to help deal with those kinds of situations I regret having, such as the "pushy nurse" who would not stop asking me if I wanted something (even though I repeatedly said no, she just kept asking!). She wants to go into midwifery, so she will be perfect for what I need! 

We got a couple of DVDs from Netflix called "Laugh and Learn About Childbirth" as well. This way we don't have to retake the classes at the hospital, which are more geared toward first time parents. It was pretty awesome! Even the parts that we know we don't want to have to worry about, such as the drugs and c-section parts of the movie, I wanted to watch anyway because I just do not want to have to be surprised! 

See what I mean? The power comes from the knowledge. I don't think that ONLY people with Aspergers should have knowledge, and I don't think that ONLY people with Aspergers gain a lot of power from knowledge. I think that EVERYONE should have the right information for whatever in life so they are prepared. Many people will tell you each birth experience is different, which is true, but the body's process is exactly the same. You will go through the same phases, you will go through the same process. Information helps you to know what is happening, that all this pain has a purpose and reason and that blocking the pain has certain risks. Especially knowing about the risks certain choices will cause is critical to experiences we face! You have to know what you are risking by the choices you make! Whether its birth, or whether to drive or fly to your destination, there are risks and costs, and one has to have the knowledge to be able to accurately and sensibly make the right choices. Making the choice based on little to no information, or based on what choices someone else makes is a rather foolish decision.

Anyway, so today I am dealing with one of these last minute situations, and though it has NOTHING to do with pregnancy (at least not physically), I am still constantly surprised at how fast the tears can fall from my eyes when I am faced with a disappointing change or last minute plan. It is frustrating, and yet unpredictable. There is no way I could have planned for that, unless I plan for it every day and just get surprised on the days that it doesn't happen.

Naivity & Safety

There is a lot to be said about ASD and safety. Many with Aspergers tend to be rather trusting and naive and that can get us into trouble.

I'll tell you, I have no idea how I managed to make it this far without being seriously hurt. However, I suppose I was never without protection.

My parents were very protective. Although I don't remember making a huge deal out of it, I'm sure I was disappointed that I wasn't often allowed to go and hang out or sleep over at my friends' houses. However, knowing what I know now, it was protective.

I had a very close teacher take the time to talk to me before I went to college (and before I was dating my husband which began 3 weeks before I went to college). He warned me that so many boys are out for just one thing, and once they get that one thing, they don't care about you anymore. (Still true, even for people older than college age.)

Then, being socially awkward and dating someone, I was protected from a lot of possible bad experiences dating guys or going out in college. 

And those are just the dating/relating examples! My life has been very protective, and for good reason. I still am too quick to trust people sometimes, and I am too quick to give people a chance. Is there really such a thing? Maybe. There are times when I have been completely open and honest about my feelings and intent to  be friends with someone, and it turns out they were either not interested nor felt the same. That is rough, and it makes me feel taken advantage of. 

People with Aspergers shouldn't be used just because we CAN. It isn't fair that people take advantage of others. We can look out for each other too, so help someone else out when you know they are being taken advantage of. 

That all being said, we do usually have a very good handle on right and wrong. We can usually see right and wrong, even in situations that don't really involve us. This can be helpful because if we know right from wrong, its hard to be pulled into doing things that are wrong! I am grateful for this. I was always the kind of person who thought drugs, smoking and alcohol were just stupid things to do, and I can honestly say that I was not offered as much as a cigarette until college. How that managed to happen, I'm not sure, but maybe when you stand for right, people just know better. That's what I'd like to think anyway! I honestly believe that our strong adherance to rules and routines help to keep us protected. We usually don't come across sticky situations because we keep to routine, we keep to what we know, we keep to right!

I wonder, if more NT people kept to "right vs wrong", would they be less likely to fall victim to things? I don't know. We certainly are still vulnerable to a lot of things. Bullying usually happens TO people with Aspergers. It would be very hard to imagine anyone with Aspergers having the ability to bully anyone else, especially bullying with malicious intent. Though we might be pushy because of our strong keeping to right vs wrong, that doesn't make us a bully, and actually keeps us from bullying because it is wrong to bully!

I suppose not every person understands right vs wrong in that way, I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule. But I am grateful for my protected life. 

Thanks and Link Referral To Women and Missed Diagnosis

WOW! Almost 3000 views to this blog! I'd like to thank all you out there who are stopping by and checking out some of my thoughts.


Today I am posting a link to a post that quickly and briefly goes into why women are so often "invisible" as people with Aspergers. Just because the typical (male based) outward signs aren't there does NOT mean that someone is not an Aspie. This should be taken into consideration when dealing with people, even people you don't even suspect or think have Aspergers. Who knows what they are dealing with, what if you are misunderstanding them and their intentions? This is what I often had problems with. People could not and would not believe I am as honest and giving as I am. Without claiming to be a saint, I have serious difficulties lying to anyone, but no one believes that. Anyway, moving on, here's the link:

http://taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/15/asperger-syndrome-in-girls-and-women-keeping-up-appearances-and-missed-diagnosis/

Obsessions and Cravings

Last night I felt like I had eaten a ton of food, but nothing was satisfying enough. I still felt like eating, I still felt hungry. It was a good thing that I followed through with my plans to make potato salad! I was apparently having my first unsatiable craving. Nothing but the potato salad made it go away! Finally, I felt relieved!

I was just going to post that as a non-Aspie related post, but I realized that with Aspie obsessions, it is much the same way. Whether its rock collecting, listening to music, collecting bottle caps, researching it, participating in it, or being around it, our obsessions are often insatiable. We often feel out of control, hungry, frustrated, anxious, or out of place until we can connect with that obsession. There is a complete to-the-gut feeling of incompleteness until we can participate in the thing that makes us relax, makes us feel happy, and makes us feel important and valued. Rock collecting isn't just rock collecting, it's food, water, and a skill!

With Aspies, I think you have to be careful of what you do to try to manage the obsession in question. Removing it, banning it or otherwise trying to prevent the obsession is going to make the person agitated, stressed, overwhelmed and panicked among other things. Putting limits on the obsession is fine (you may only put your rock collection in this box/jar/containter), but don't dump it out, scold the person for doing it, or make it a source of stress and arguement.

Anyway, I'm glad I had my first craving. I felt like I was missing out on a part of pregnancy that I see as really fun. I have been wanting to eat a lot more fruit and sweets than normal, but I guess because I usually have fruit in the house, I haven't had a problem not satisfying that craving. The potato salad is a process because it has to be made, and it takes a long time to make! So to finally get it made and eat it is so satisfying. I hope that craving doesn't remain all the time, or else I'm going to be super busy just making potato salad!!