Yes, More. Friendships SUCK

Have I mentioned yet that I have huge trouble with friendships?

First of all, meeting people and making friends. Pretty much impossible without some kind of outside intervention. I don't seek out social opportunity. And usually I try to avoid talking to people when I am out. It usually takes them being completely outgoing and unconcerned that I try to not talk to them. And I suppose most of the time that is why us introverts get called things like "snobby" or "stuck up". Trust me, that is the farthest thing from what we are. All those terms do is shove us back into hiding, and reaffirm our fears that people suck.

I am an all in or nothing kind of person. If I want to be your friend, I'll want to dive in headfirst. I'll want to invite you to things, talk to you about anything, tell you my life's story pretty much.

And again, I think that makes people think im "pushy" or "nosy"... so I've gotten to the point where if you don't offer up the information, I probably am not going to ask. Or, I'll have to spend crazy amounts of time convincing myself that it's okay to ask something. Then I'll probably chicken out a million times, and end up asking you over social media. Because #introvertsrollthatway

Then there's distance.
And even when there isn't distance, there's busy-ness. Being too busy. 

Then there's the lack of return communication. That could mean either they don't respond to me in a conversational way (like, they answer questions so briefly that I feel embarassed I asked them anything), or they see the message AND DON'T RESPOND AT ALL! CURSE YOU SOCIAL MEDIA FOR LETTING US KNOW WHEN PEOPLE VIEWED THINGS!!

That is the worst. I mean, you KNOW that social media shows me you saw it. And you don't respond?

There are rare occasions when I would not respond after reading something, and one of those is when I'm having a bit of a rough time with someone. I have learned, the HARD WAY, to step back a couple of days when having an issue with someone. I get it, I hate it too when someone doesn't respond when they viewed my message.

And don't get me started about not returning text messages, ever. (BROTHER!!!)

But the thing is, friendships suck. I can't stand it. There are all these unspoken rules, there are all these expectations, and I get let down all the time. I think someone is my friend, then they seem like they are completely ignoring me! I can't figure it out! Then they act like they're my bestie for like 5 minutes, and then again we're back to the doubt and the inactivity and the ignoring, or something. 

Seriously.

I don't consider myself a high maintenance person. I don't expect people to hang around me all the time or something.
But a little interaction couldn't hurt, right? 

I think part of friendships is to make each other feel good, right? And there's the not so good parts where they help you grow.
But the ignoring? The half answers?

I feel like I can trust someone, then they just leave me hanging? I mean, I come to you for help, or advice, or something and you just give me nothing, or you give me barely something?

I end up feeling like they hate me. Like I'm just an annoyance taking up their precious time. 

I guess in another post tonight I touched on the fact that I shouldn't expect people to act like I would act in a situation.
But what if I can't help it?
What if I prefer to think people would take the time, and they don't, and I still end up hurt?

I feel like I bond with someone, and they don't agree. Like, unrequited love or something, only this is unrequited friendship.

It is very frustrating and heartbreaking. 

I'm really tired of it.