I need to get better at time management, or focus, or something. I need to post on this blog more! I have gotten some nice traffic in the past, but its because I'm not posting consistently that I don't have better traffic!
Anyway, today it was brought to my attention that I am actually helping people that I know by doing this blog. Not just to help them understand me, but perhaps that they would understand someone else.
Chances are that anyone who thinks I am rude is not reading this blog. Unfortunately. But this is a very important aspect of Aspergers that I MUST tackle because I know that I have done things in the past that have upset people, and I didn't know it until it was too late.
Anyway, today it was brought to my attention that I am actually helping people that I know by doing this blog. Not just to help them understand me, but perhaps that they would understand someone else.
Chances are that anyone who thinks I am rude is not reading this blog. Unfortunately. But this is a very important aspect of Aspergers that I MUST tackle because I know that I have done things in the past that have upset people, and I didn't know it until it was too late.
We do not mean to be rude. We likely don't even know we ARE being rude, which is why we would "act" mystified when you tell us we are being rude. Like I said, we are not saying or doing what we are saying or doing in order to be rude. I want to make that clear right off the bat.
It would be helpful as a NT if you would say EARLY ON in the conversation anything that would make it clear why you are talking to us about something.
For example, if you don't want me to offer solutions to fix a problem, and you don't tell me that, chances are I'm going to try to offer a way to fix the problem. For many things, to me, the solution is painfully simply. You may not like the solution but it is the perfect solution (in my mind). And once you've opened yourself up to my solutions (by bringing up the topic), then it is sometimes hard for me to bite my tongue. I feel an urge to respond, almost the same as the urge to go to the bathroom.
For example, if you don't want me to offer solutions to fix a problem, and you don't tell me that, chances are I'm going to try to offer a way to fix the problem. For many things, to me, the solution is painfully simply. You may not like the solution but it is the perfect solution (in my mind). And once you've opened yourself up to my solutions (by bringing up the topic), then it is sometimes hard for me to bite my tongue. I feel an urge to respond, almost the same as the urge to go to the bathroom.
For example: (and this is totally hypothetical)
To the person who has a lingering bad cough but smokes, my solution is QUIT SMOKING.
Few things make me as confused as the person struggling with a bad cough, but is sucking down another smoke. Um, you know that's bad for you right? You know that you are inhaling chemicals and things into your lungs that don't belong there right? You can claim that the cough comes from a cold, but people get over colds in the span of a week, smokers it can hang on for weeks upon weeks. I know because I've seen it happen. Quitting can immediately being reversing the damage caused by smoking, and that cough would be less of a problem, or wouldn't be an issue with the next cold you get.
Some smokers are in denial. Some smokers don't want to believe you. Some smokers are scared the cough means something worse....
Now, to a smoker, go ahead and tell me how that makes you feel?
I have learned (I had to LEARN THIS PEOPLE!) that this can make smokers pretty upset. Most smokers KNOW smoking is bad for them. They know that it can cause X, Y, and Z. The urge to smoke greatly outweighs the fact that they know they should quit, because quitting is hard!
Fact of the matter is, what I'm saying is TRUE. It is. It just isn't "nice" according to some wierdo social rules or something. You just don't walk around telling people the truth like that. I don't know why, I really don't. And I'm NOT trying to be rude, or hurt anyone's feelings. The fact that I know they know its true doesn't help, because in my mind, if you KNOW something is hurting you, why are you still doing it? Why did you even start doing it? But, I've never been a smoker, and I've been told "you just don't understand how hard it is". Got me there.
Sometimes, in order to avoid pushing someone's buttons, or making them offended by giving them my "perfect solutions", I decide to "emotionally check out" from a relationship with them. I have never had anyone seem to notice. But then, typically by that point, I've already had conversations with them that have maybe already offended them, so they probably didn't miss me. Maybe they do, but its not like the run back to tell me about it. It's complicated.
Basically, if someone says something, I offer my best and most perfect solution, and they don't like it, all I really want is a "thank you for that thought" or something. I don't understand why something I said could be so awful that they would immediately take it super personally. My opinions or even truths have nothing to do with how I feel about them as a person. I'm not trying to be rude. I'm not trying to offend. I'm not trying to point fingers at or otherwise demean another person. I'm only offering what I think of as the best and most perfect solution. Unless I've been prewarned that they don't want the solution, its really hard not to offer it! Especially when its such a clear and simple answer. And if there weren't some truth to what I have to offer, would they feel the same way about it? If smokers didn't already know they should quit, would they be as offended by someone telling them they should? What I'm trying to say is that sometimes the fact that they are faced with the cold hard truth is guilt provoking, and because I'm the one who delivered the solution, I'm the one they get mad at? (Again, totally illogical behavior to blame me for their own guilt....)
I have learned to rein this in. Sometimes I emotionally disconnect. Sometimes I tune out any and all related conversation. Sometimes I am actually able to say something constructive but thats pretty rare (I think of all the "good" responses later! LOL).
So, really, I just want my input to be appreciated, or I'd like to be warned beforehand that a person isn't looking for a perfect solution or my solution. I don't typically talk just to converse, really.
Basically, if someone says something, I offer my best and most perfect solution, and they don't like it, all I really want is a "thank you for that thought" or something. I don't understand why something I said could be so awful that they would immediately take it super personally. My opinions or even truths have nothing to do with how I feel about them as a person. I'm not trying to be rude. I'm not trying to offend. I'm not trying to point fingers at or otherwise demean another person. I'm only offering what I think of as the best and most perfect solution. Unless I've been prewarned that they don't want the solution, its really hard not to offer it! Especially when its such a clear and simple answer. And if there weren't some truth to what I have to offer, would they feel the same way about it? If smokers didn't already know they should quit, would they be as offended by someone telling them they should? What I'm trying to say is that sometimes the fact that they are faced with the cold hard truth is guilt provoking, and because I'm the one who delivered the solution, I'm the one they get mad at? (Again, totally illogical behavior to blame me for their own guilt....)
I have learned to rein this in. Sometimes I emotionally disconnect. Sometimes I tune out any and all related conversation. Sometimes I am actually able to say something constructive but thats pretty rare (I think of all the "good" responses later! LOL).
So, really, I just want my input to be appreciated, or I'd like to be warned beforehand that a person isn't looking for a perfect solution or my solution. I don't typically talk just to converse, really.
Here's some links:
http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/100.cfm
THIS one ROCKED MY WORLD.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/my-life-aspergers/200811/are-aspergians-really-rude-and-inconsiderate
This one also ROCKED MY WORLD!
http://www.parentingaspergerscommunity.com/members/100.cfm
THIS one ROCKED MY WORLD.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/my-life-aspergers/200811/are-aspergians-really-rude-and-inconsiderate
This one also ROCKED MY WORLD!
From this link:
"He notes the Asperger child’s different perception of the world around them and their own unique way of experiencing sensory events. He points out their strong need “to seek knowledge, truth and perfection,” but they just do it differently than more typical children. To them, the solving of the problem is more important than what others might think about them: They see details, as opposed to the whole."
TOTALLY!!
"He notes the Asperger child’s different perception of the world around them and their own unique way of experiencing sensory events. He points out their strong need “to seek knowledge, truth and perfection,” but they just do it differently than more typical children. To them, the solving of the problem is more important than what others might think about them: They see details, as opposed to the whole."
TOTALLY!!
And this one just made me giggle a little, and want to share it too, totally true.http://stuffaspergerpeoplelike.com/2008/11/30/28-brutal-honesty-aka-rudeness/
Anyway, I hope this gives you a smidgion of an insight on the rudeness. There is much to say on this topic, and feel free to ask me anything. I might post again on this in the future.
Anyway, I hope this gives you a smidgion of an insight on the rudeness. There is much to say on this topic, and feel free to ask me anything. I might post again on this in the future.
"It would be helpful as a NT if you would say EARLY ON in the conversation anything that would make it clear why you are talking to us about something."
ReplyDeleteIt would be helpful as an Aspie if you would say EARLY ON that you are an Aspie - to make it clear that, when you do or say the same thing that an NT would do or say in order to be rude, you're not actually an NT doing or saying that thing in order to be rude.
Otherwise, how's the other person supposed to know that you're not actually an NT doing or saying that thing to him or her in order to be rude to him or her?
are you an NT?
Deleteheres the problem with your theory: we dont play those kinds of mind games. why do we have to make it clear why we are talking about something. usually, but not always, we are talking about something because its an interest of ours and we have been engaged in some form of communication about it. personally, i dont just start talking about something with someone out of nowhere. i guess you could almost compare it with the male instinct to solve the problem. when someone talks about something, i have a reflexive response of wanting to help/fix the problem for them or something. it might not be right, but im not thinking "wow this person needs to know why im talking about this". they should know why im talking about it - because we have engaged in that conversation.
also, typically people who know me already know im an aspie. and who in their right mind is going to LIE and say they are an aspie to get away with bad behavior? that is the most rediculous thing ive ever heard. again, i dont play mind games. i am diagnosed by a professional. im not making it up, and i honestly dont think that any NT person would use this as an excuse to be rude. there are people who are just rude because they feel they have the right to be, and there are people who are CONSIDERED rude by others even when their intentions are completely innocent. i have learned that i cannot be responsible for the reaction of every person i come into contact with. some people take my words with a grain of salt, some people take my words as help and support, and some people take my words as insults. i have a right to express my opinion or help without always being at fault for the reaction of the other person. someone can tell us something about ourselves and we can choose to react in anger or in love. i always try to think the best of other people, which is why it hurts me so much when someone else doesnt respond to me that way. i try so hard not to think someone else is insulting me, even when they plainly are (and usually i have to be told they are - i usually dont figure it out on my own - especially not for sure. i can think "maybe they just insulted me" - but i have a hard time actually deciding they are).
yes, i believe aspies should share their ways with others. but it cant be expected to share with every person we come into contact with that we are aspie. its personal to a lot of people, and i think most aspies are on the shy end of things anyway which would make coming out in conversation harder than you think. its not all on us to be understanding and open. NTs have to be toward us as well.
Deletei wrote this more of a post to say that if someone is rude to you, it is YOUR responsibility to react appropriately and sensibly. too many people these days fly off the handle and retaliate and take things as insults that were supposed to be meant as help. again, i am not responsible for their reaction, especially when my comments or thoughts were meant to be helpful. i cant tell you how many times ive tried to help and my words have been thrown back in my face like they were poison. of course by that time they arent even able to listen to reason that i wasnt insulting them. especially when they were the ones who wanted the help in the first place.
in marriage, a lot of people say we are supposed to be clear with our husbands and tell them either A: you want to vent or B: you want help solving the problem. because as mentioned, men typically (but not always) want to solve the problem before the woman has had a chance to just get it off her chest. so if a woman is clear in the beginning, it helps her husband know what to do. so it is with aspies, or at least me, if someone is clear they just want to talk or they are looking for help with something/information about something, then i know what to do. the rules of social etiquette and back and forth are completely foreign to me. the worst is that i dont usually know when to stop, or that a person has understood what i have said... so i keep going on... and on.... kinda like in this response.....
thanks for your comments...
"heres the problem with your theory: we dont play those kinds of mind games."
ReplyDeleteIt's not "mind games," it's logical reasoning. Given that NTs outnumber Aspies roughly 99 to 1, someone who does or says the same thing that an NT would do or say in order to be rude most likely *is* an NT doing or saying that in order to be rude.
"why do we have to make it clear why we are talking about something."
If you don't want someone to think that you are an NT trying to be rude, then you should give him or her a logical reason to think that you are not an NT trying to be rude.
If you *don't* give someone any logical reason to think that you are not an NT trying to be rude, then it's *illogical* of you to expect that someone to think that you are not an NT trying to be rude
i would venture to say that there are FAR more aspies out there than 1 out of 100. most undiagnosed. this post actually originated for a friend's need to understand someone in her life and the actions that are almost constantly rude. obviously this hurts her, but i wanted her to see that from my understanding, personally, its typically not intended rude behavior. in that light, things can start becoming more relaxed. i have many reasons for writing this but the entire reason i even thought of it was from a friend. obviously this person in her life is undiagnosed.
Deleteso though the actual diagnosed population can be numbered, the undiagnosed cannot. it makes you stop and think that when you are talking to someone you may very well be talking to someone with undiagnosed spectrum. i dont believe this is new. i believe this reorder of the brain is more common than once thought, and is actually beneficial to the world in general. therefore, chances are good that a person WILL encounter a spectrum person in their lifetime. when feeling a comment is rude, NT person has to consider the possibility that someone else has a different way of thinking.
again on the why do we have to make it clear.
i will not bring up a topic on my own. the reason i would be talking about something would be because someone else brought it up. so it should already be clear why we are talking about something. because the other person brought it up.
if i dont give someone reason im NOT an NT, why should they assume i am being rude anyway? again, i do not know many people who dont know about my aspergers. im pretty clear and up front about it. i cant speak for someone who doesnt do that.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/my-life-aspergers/200811/are-aspergians-really-rude-and-inconsiderate
Deleteread this.
"i wrote this more of a post to say that if someone is rude to you, it is YOUR responsibility to react appropriately and sensibly."
ReplyDeleteExactly - it is MY responsibility to react appropriately and sensibly to rude behavior towards me.
"i cant tell you how many times ive tried to help and my words have been thrown back in my face like they were poison."
*If* you haven't *already* given that person a logical reason to believe that you are an Aspie trying to help, instead of an NT trying to be rude, when you tell that person the same things that a rude NT would tell him or her in order to be rude...
...*then* throwing your rude-sounding words back in your face like they are poison *is* the appropriate and responsible way to react.
the difference is intention.
Deleteagain, usually people dont engage in much conversation with people they dont know. for me, im open about aspergers, and there are few who know me who do not know this (which is a lot easier now that im diagnosed!)
so for me, im up front about the aspergers, and if they dont believe me, and they start taking my comments and stuff negatively, that is not my fault, because i have already taken those steps you prescribe.
NT being rude? i wont say that NT's ALWAYS are rude on purpose. its likely people in general are not going out of their way to be rude. however, some people are, and thats not something i can discuss because my brain doesnt work that way, so i cant speak to it.
"i have a right to express my opinion or help without always being at fault for the reaction of the other person."
ReplyDeleteThe other person has an equal right to express his or her opinion or help without always being at fault for the reaction of you.
i feel this statement is... irrelevant? that is what i said, and yes, works both ways..... but usually an aspie will be clueless about the insulting from another. i know i am, it takes explanation and thought for me to figure it out. i have to be told most times.
Deleteother times, under certain circumstances, everything can be considered insulting, but there is very few times when it is both at once. if i have a negative relationship with someone, first of all, i usually dont talk to them in the first place. but 2nd, usually then everything they say could lend to my feelings of negativity. again, it takes thought and even outside expanation before i feel otherwise.
"there are people who are just rude because they feel they have the right to be, and there are people who are CONSIDERED rude by others even when their intentions are completely innocent."
ReplyDelete...because, even though their intentions are completely innocent, they act and talk *exactly like* those other people who are just rude because they feel they have the right to be.
Remember, human beings do not have Extra-Sensory Perception (ESP). Therefore, it's extremely illogical and unreasonable to expect a person to be able to figure out that two people treating him or her equally rudely on the outside have different intentions on the inside.
so if one doesnt know the intentions, ask.
Deletepeople with aspergers, such as myself, usually have no idea what they have said is rude because they did not intend it to be, and they dont understand why it would be. it can be a cause of frustration and meltdown to even be told that their words are insulting. for me, i find it frustrating beyond comprehension how anyone could read into my words and take a completely wrong meaning out of it. happens all the time, and im at utter loss as to how they got that meaning out of it.
so aspie says something, other person is insulted.
aspie person will not know what they said can be interpreted as insulting. they will not notice most times that the other person even is insulting (face blindness, and not knowing facial expressions well limit the ability to read emotions).
so the other person should stop and ask to clarify. ask to explain. before reacting emotionally. because, as i said, the aspie isnt going to notice, generally. not because they are ignorant or stupid, but because they do not see those kinds of cues.
NT people usually can see facial expression. if the aspie isnt making angry facial expression or something, then they probably arent purposely being rude. though, i will admit, aspies might not know to make those facial expressions at all, or properly anyway... so watching their facial expression isnt exactly a good measure. i know i have often laughed when i should be serious or straight faced. so you cant always trust the aspie reaction either, but nor should one be offended by the reaction alone without being sure their explanation for their words is sure.
Delete"so if a woman is clear in the beginning, it helps her husband know what to do."
ReplyDelete...*and* if her husband is clear in the beginning too, it helps her understand his intentions.
"so it is with aspies, or at least me, if someone is clear they just want to talk or they are looking for help with something/information about something, then i know what to do."
Yes, *and* if you are clear in the beginning too, then he or she knows what your intentions are.
You're right, clarity helps! :D It's especially helpful when people remember to be equally clear to each other, instead of someone believing "you have to be clear to me, I don't have to be clear to you" as though the other person is inferior instead of equal.
lol. so both parties should be clear on both sides before anyone can claim to be offended.
Deleteunfortunately, very few people are willing to do this, they would rather be mad.
this post should inform people that when they are talking to someone, and they are offended, maybe they should think twice before lashing out. if they do not know a person has aspergers or spectrum, they are still responsible to respond with respect, even if directly and purposely offended.
usually people do not engage in conversation with complete strangers. so usually people will be talking to someone they know, and another part of this blog is to inform people on the characteristics of aspergers, even in high functioning people like myself who "show no signs" but still have the very complex social confusions that aspergers people all have.
if they know their conversing friend well enough, they know whether or not a person's intentions are to help (even if its not helpful) or to insult (in which case one would have to ask themselves why they are friends with that person).