Challenging Myself & Being Disappointed (Warning: Parenthood Spoilers)

I'm a yelling mom.

I don't want to be. But I am.

So I'm taking a book club challenge from Orange Rhino. This is a mom who has her hands full. (One thing I've learned so far and not directly through the book club discussions is that my gut instinct is to say that shes much more overwhelmed than me, but I have to start learning to not make unfair comparisons of myself to others. Her struggles seem intense, but I also have struggles different from hers and they aren't any less difficult. We are equal, not in a competition to "out-struggle" each other.)

Anyway, I was frustrated on one chapter on tracking my triggers. Like a food journal, write down when I yell, why, and whatnot. First, I haven't found the attachment or when I mean to my computer wont cooperate. Second, I haven't even remembered when im yelling to stop and yell away, nor can I remember to write it down afterwards because I'm just trying to decompress from yelling.

I have remembered maybe twice to even stop and THINK about a particular yelling. Sadly, its hard to distinguish yelling from "nasty toned talk", so I'm really becoming aware of everything that's coming out of my mouth. So that's progress.

I was pouting and wondering why I can't get it together and write my triggers when another user's post caught my eye. CONTROL FREAK.

And yet another, who went on to say that its deeper than that, that it's a fear of being disappointed.

*MINDBLOWN*

Disappointment is NOT easy for those on the spectrum. Just last night watching Parenthood, Max was disappointed by a girl he had fallen in love with. I immediately connected because that kind of stuff happened to me a lot too. My intense affection for someone, the flashy ways I showed that, embarrassing stuff. I'm left wishing quite a few notes were dropped in a trash can without being read.

But Max was so disappointed when said girl liked someone else he absolutely lost it. Twice, I recall. It was heartbreaking and sad. This is really normal for spectrum. If something doesn't turn out the way they planned it and pictured it, it's as if someone took ahold of your brain and ripped it to pieces. It physically hurts. I would rather be overwhelmed and exhausted doing it all myself, or criticizing my kid for how he did it wrong, than to just accept that done is done even if it's not done by me or my way.

This is a great learning experience. I'm considering that for that reason alone I may need to revisit some counseling as I did before, and get more to the bottom of this kind of situation because the more I stew on it, the more situations I can see this interfering with, not just with today, or tomorrow, but into the future as well. This is something I'm not lying down on.

Moving forward.