Yes, More. Friendships SUCK

Have I mentioned yet that I have huge trouble with friendships?

First of all, meeting people and making friends. Pretty much impossible without some kind of outside intervention. I don't seek out social opportunity. And usually I try to avoid talking to people when I am out. It usually takes them being completely outgoing and unconcerned that I try to not talk to them. And I suppose most of the time that is why us introverts get called things like "snobby" or "stuck up". Trust me, that is the farthest thing from what we are. All those terms do is shove us back into hiding, and reaffirm our fears that people suck.

I am an all in or nothing kind of person. If I want to be your friend, I'll want to dive in headfirst. I'll want to invite you to things, talk to you about anything, tell you my life's story pretty much.

And again, I think that makes people think im "pushy" or "nosy"... so I've gotten to the point where if you don't offer up the information, I probably am not going to ask. Or, I'll have to spend crazy amounts of time convincing myself that it's okay to ask something. Then I'll probably chicken out a million times, and end up asking you over social media. Because #introvertsrollthatway

Then there's distance.
And even when there isn't distance, there's busy-ness. Being too busy. 

Then there's the lack of return communication. That could mean either they don't respond to me in a conversational way (like, they answer questions so briefly that I feel embarassed I asked them anything), or they see the message AND DON'T RESPOND AT ALL! CURSE YOU SOCIAL MEDIA FOR LETTING US KNOW WHEN PEOPLE VIEWED THINGS!!

That is the worst. I mean, you KNOW that social media shows me you saw it. And you don't respond?

There are rare occasions when I would not respond after reading something, and one of those is when I'm having a bit of a rough time with someone. I have learned, the HARD WAY, to step back a couple of days when having an issue with someone. I get it, I hate it too when someone doesn't respond when they viewed my message.

And don't get me started about not returning text messages, ever. (BROTHER!!!)

But the thing is, friendships suck. I can't stand it. There are all these unspoken rules, there are all these expectations, and I get let down all the time. I think someone is my friend, then they seem like they are completely ignoring me! I can't figure it out! Then they act like they're my bestie for like 5 minutes, and then again we're back to the doubt and the inactivity and the ignoring, or something. 

Seriously.

I don't consider myself a high maintenance person. I don't expect people to hang around me all the time or something.
But a little interaction couldn't hurt, right? 

I think part of friendships is to make each other feel good, right? And there's the not so good parts where they help you grow.
But the ignoring? The half answers?

I feel like I can trust someone, then they just leave me hanging? I mean, I come to you for help, or advice, or something and you just give me nothing, or you give me barely something?

I end up feeling like they hate me. Like I'm just an annoyance taking up their precious time. 

I guess in another post tonight I touched on the fact that I shouldn't expect people to act like I would act in a situation.
But what if I can't help it?
What if I prefer to think people would take the time, and they don't, and I still end up hurt?

I feel like I bond with someone, and they don't agree. Like, unrequited love or something, only this is unrequited friendship.

It is very frustrating and heartbreaking. 

I'm really tired of it.

Processing Speed, Decision Making, Changing Your Mind Pt2

So, where I really intended to go was to the point of decision making.

We all make decisions every day. Won't dwell on that more than I have to. Sometimes, in some phases of life, decisions are harder to make. Side note: I've been having a really hard time making decisions lately. I think my brain is all used up with raising a family. And for now, that's okay. So if I forget you, or something important, just remind me. Sometimes I will take longer to decide on whether or not to do something, or what to do in general. I'm working on it. :P 

But what I really wanted to get at is this..
When you make a decision, be confident in it! 

Don't worry about what your friends are going to say, or your family, or your doctor, your neighbors, or the stranger on the street.

It shouldn't matter.

Obviously, you have a spouse, then there's two of you and it might be harder to come to decisions on some things, but you still have to have a united front.

But to anyone else outside of your spouse, it should not matter what anyone thinks of your decisions.

Just. Make. The. Decision.

Once you make it, it's done. Right? Isn't that the way it is with everyone else? Maybe it's just me?

Like I said in my last post, when  I was diagnosed she said because of my SUPERHIGH processing speed, I tend to make decisions and I make them FIRM as concrete. It's gonna take some really hard info to make me change my mind about something.

And, for the most part, I can't think of a time when I (we) chose something and it ruffled my feathers when someone else thought the opposite of my (our) personal decisions.

I'm not the only one, this I know. 

The thing that drives me crazy is people who can't seem to get that confidence I think they should have over their own decisions. They get mad at me, tell me that their decisions are theirs to make, whatever. But they are not confident in their own decisions. I mean, if they were, wouldn't they not be bothered no matter who was telling them something the contrary?

I guess we are all probably guilty of the same thing: thinking that others tick like we do. I do see how many different ways I think others should be like me. Wow, that sounds like a terrible statement. Who am I to think I'm so special as to think anyone else should be like me?
Logically, though, if you make your own decisions, should it really matter what anyone else says? I guess maybe it's just me who thinks that.

Processing Speed, Decision Making, Changing Your Mind Pt1

I was told when I tested that because my processing speed is so high, that I tend to make firm decisions very quickly. And when I make those decisions, because I make them so firmly, I am unlikely to change my mind.

Usually, I make decisions based on a lot of research and a lot of logic. I don't just make careless decisions. I can't tell you the exact process of how I may change any of those decisions. I know it isn't going to be because someone argued with me about it.

Which is a point all in and of itself. No one is going to change their mind because you argued with them about it. Which makes things a bit more complicated than you would think at first. First of all, usually someone tells someone else off because they are trying to get someone's attention to their thinking or whatever being wrong. You see this in movies all the time, where one character finally tells off another character for whatever flaw they have. 

This doesn't work in real life, not really anyway.

The thing to consider is online communication, and new friendships.

The thing is, what's missing from online communication is tone.

People often say that people with autism don't notice or understand tone, that we have a lack of change in tone, we speak rather dryly. I don't think this is the case, not really. We might have a different way of speaking, but at least for me, I am very sensitive to tone. Just like with empathy. It's just that I don't know what to do about it.

I can hear a tone in someone's voice, or hear something in their face (yes, hear their face), they are trying to hide it, but I end up feeling VERY uncomfortable. I can just tell something isn't right. And since they aren't opening up and sharing it, I feel very awkward. I don't know what to say, do or how to act because they aren't letting me know whats wrong or how they need me to act. 

Online, there's no tone, just words.

Even if you know someone well, and especially if you don't, you will not be able to hear their tone. You will not be able to feel for whether or not they have good intentions in what they say. 

The problem is, apparently, humans are really really good at picking negative tone, and we can apply that tone to just about anything anyone says, and make it feel negative. Then we can go on and on about how hurt we are, or how we feel pushed, bossed, rejected, put down, ignored, or not heard. The list goes on and on too. We can quickly and easily put all kinds of meaning and inflection on someone's online words. Then, we think we have a reason to go on the defensive, and tell them off for "hurting our feelings" or something.

What ever happened to thinking the best of someone? What ever happened to the thinking that a friend is just that; a friend, and someone who is just looking to help you, not enter into a verbal fistfight? Why don't we assume to the good, not to the negative? 

I'm just as guilty as anyone else of making wrong assumptions. I have a very wise 6th grade teacher that had something to say about assumptions; that they make an a$$ out of you and me. Pretty clever, I guess. 

We really need to stop putting words in people's mouths. We need to stop assuming based on one line here and one line there that we know their intentions. We need to stop assuming we know their thinking, their opinions, their life, their hearts, their relationship with Jesus, their family values, or the meaning of their words, based on the little we see. It isn't fair to your friends to assume that their intentions are to hurt you. It isn't fair to YOU to make those assumptions either. There is no reason to get all upset, get your body physically worked up, and risking ruining or scarring a friendship over something you assumed about someone else or their words. 

It just isn't fair. Life's too short. Life is hard and we could use all the opportunity for friendships we can get. Especially when you have aspergers. I can't count the number of times I didn't realize what I had with a friend. Sometimes it takes years for me to realize how good a friend I have with someone. Sometimes what I think is just a causual friendship is actually something more to them, and I just didn't realize it. I wish and pray for a deep best friend, and then I realize I have one. At least, for a time. Getting upset over something isn't worth it, especially when you're assumption is faulty.

And, to be honest, we need to really watch it when we do the same to our Bible's. We need to stop assuming we know everything, first of all. There is always something new to learn. No one is all knowing except God, and He can and will keep teaching you something about His word every time you read it.
But more than that, we need to watch out that we aren't taking a line here or a line there and putting our own spin on it. We need to be sure we aren't making assumptions about things God does based on what WE think of something. 

We need to be more careful. We need to be more kind. We need to constantly pursue thoughts, feelings and interpretations of others that are higher than they deserve. Think the best of others. Think of how much they must love you to have picked you for a friend. Whether it's a friendship of decades, or days, they saw something in you that they wanted to be a friend. Even if love isn't the right word, you have to think they don't mean to hurt you. Even if they do, who wins? You do, because you are taking the high road, feeling good about yourself and your choices, and you aren't sitting around wallowing in self pity and self doubt! 

This post when in a completely different direction than I intended. I guess maybe I make two posts tonight! :P 

Thanks for listening.

Overtired Is Spoon Deficient

I didn't come up with the spoon theory, but I hope the creator pardons me using their expression.

My middle came down with hand foot and mouth this week. It is by far the worst illness I've ever experienced as a parent. Even that I've experienced as a person.

She was inconsolable. Screaming about the pain and itching. I know how she feels, I've been there with my hives, awake at night, desperate for sleep, and unable to because of the burning, itching, and pain. Feeling that way is bad enough but watching her suffer it is heartwrenching.

She is better tonight, though she is not to bed yet. She took a 3 or 4 hour nap today, I'm not even sure, but it seemed like forever, especially since her little brother also took a nap about the same length. He   has a slight fever and is fussy tonight too. I'm hoping he doesn't come down with the worst of it because that's just not fair for someone that little.

But the point of my post today is more about my reaction. I definitely don't handle illness well at night. I'm okay during the day, but if you are going to critically reduce my sleep or interrupt it with overwhelming screaming squealing and screeching, apparently it becomes obvious that I have no spoons left over for midnight patience.

Like, I have a hard time figuring out and making sense of whatever is happening. More recently, since my third baby, my brain functioning is so bad that I waffle almost every single decision. I just can't decide things. We've been in to urgent care quite often for my middle since my 3rd was born because I just can't decide if it's a big deal or not. Then I second guess myself when we're there because it takes so long, makes a nightmare of a night, and sometimes I've even felt as if we were just being a pest to the medical professionals on call. (Which I will maintain is NOT my fault or problem.)

I just go back to that spoon theory. I mean, I literally don't have a plethora of extra energy, patience or focus for each day, and I am empty of spoons by bedtime. Then throw an illness in there and you know you don't have something pretty and helpful happening.

Last night I finally gave in. In effort to try and protect the baby from getting sick, I had been separating myself from my middle. She was pretty sad about it, and finally I just gave up. My husband couldn't take it anymore and it was getting really frustrating and bad. We did get some sleep finally after I gave in, but it wasn't perfect, and still meant I didn't get more than 2 hours sleep that first bad night. Last night was much better, but I stayed away with the apprehension that she would just wake me up by screaming anyway, so why go to sleep. When I finally was having to call it quits so I could sleep, I actually got her into bed without her waking up (after failing twice before that), and woke my husband to switch kids with me.

That worked probably the best of anything. It's one thing if I plan on staying up for things, it's quite another to be awakened to screaming. That is the hardest. I lose spoons just hearing her scream. She is quite dramatic that way I would guess, so it can be very hard to feel sorry for her when shes piercing my eardrums with her screeching. I think I normally do very well dealing with that part during the day, but at night it's not tolerable.

Anyway, I think it's probably normal to feel this way, I think that it makes you stronger and maybe eventually sometime in the next 18 years I will be able to function better at night and not lose my mind over the interruptions to sleep and stuff. You know, just in time for the youngest to graduate and be ready to leave home.

It's true that you can only give so much. I might have trouble with my day, and run out of spoons on the regular, but I still try to stretch myself every day, and it is indeed all worth it. How God does that - makes something that's normally so difficult actually feel worth it, but He does. It's interesting, and you have to then wrap your mind around the fact that your perfect Father God is much stronger, able, and loving than any of us could ever be to even our own children. #Intense

Overwhelmed Again

Those days where nothing seems to get done, where everyone seems to want a share of you, when everything seems too hard to do, when there's so much to do and you can't even start doing it, much less finish ....

It drives me crazy to be interrupted over and over and over...
I have to recollect my thoughts, figure out where I was, start over again....

I had one of those nights the other night.

It was completely overwhelming.

Little B has been sick. After almost two weeks of this I've figured out (on my own) what it is. She gets cold sore breakouts. REALLY BAD ones. This time she also developed a massive one on her thumb, herpetic whitlow.

Apparently it can commonly be mistaken as hand/foot/mouth, and that appears to be the case with her doctor telling us multiple times, every time we've been in since they started. Thinking back, they started when she was eating solid foods, which she didn't eat much of until after 12-14 months old. (Her tongue tie prevented her from being able to eat much because she gagged on everything. she was still gagging on bananas at a year old. Don't get me started on the medical profession missing that mess...)

We thought they were a reaction to tomato, like her brother used to have. Anywhere ketchup would touch his skin, he would break out. It did go away but he still prefers not to have tomato if he can help it.

Either way, she was so little when this started. And I know she would get some on her fingers as well, which probably only reaffirmed the diagnosis of hand/foot/mouth. I KNEW all along that was not the answer. They really didn't seem to think past h/f/m, so I doubted myself, and didn't know what to do about the fact that she repeatedly got it, over and over, and no one else in the house did. I mean, isn't h/f/m highly contagious? Wouldn't someone else have come down with something at some point over the past two years besides her?

So, sadly this seems to be how it works every time. She gets sick, and throws up for around 24 hours. This last time it was only twice, and she hadn't really had much to eat so it wasn't a lot of throwing up. Sometimes its been really bad, we've had her in worrying about dehydration and she finally comes around. Then the sores break out. It's at least 2 weeks of sores coming, healing, and vanishing. Sometimes it seemed like she was getting them over and over, one right on top of the other. Right now her lips are looking good finally, and her thumb popped (it was quite full of liquid and very swollen, so it either popped or she bit it...). She seems to be getting a new sore up her thumb a little bit, but I hope that we can keep that one under control under the bandaid that is protecting her thumb because it broke open. I'm really hoping she didn't bite it open because that probably means we have another round of mouth sores coming on. Yes, her whole mouth gets sores in it too, which means she won't eat much either. This time I got wise and got her soup, yogurt, pudding, cottage cheese, soft foods, even ice cream for shakes. I think the shakes are probably great because they're cold too.

Anyway. I had to find this out on my own. I had to google several different times slightly different description and read a post from an ER employee on thinking it was MRSA before I came up with this herpetic whitlow. WHY? I wonder. It is so frustrating to me.

I mean, if you have a patient that has been in multiple times because of this same issue, no other members of the family have come down with it, and its only ever one finger really, and it's a repetitive one right on top of the other..... Wouldn't you start looking at other options? Wouldn't you start questioning your own thinking? I know I would! After all, I DID, after two years of being told it was one thing, I'm finally convinced that it is something else, and it is at least related to what I originally thought it was - cold sores.

Cold sores are so weird. My mom and sister get them. My dad and I do not. (I can't remember about my brother). My husband gets them. Big B does not. Little B does. Jury is still out on Baby J. I'm hoping he is immune because one little with these painful things is enough. I don't know if I could handle round two, especially on a 7 month old! That would be too much. But when he is over a year, starts solids more, and we start to see....? I don't know.

I know about the antivirals for them. My mom takes one kind, my hubby takes another. I don't know if they can give that to kids so young. I should google that since I get more answers from google than the doctor. I really should move to another doctor, we've been really considering it, moving to the clinic closer to home. 

Anyway.

So I've been completely overwhelmed with that, then trying to do other things...

And the washer flooded the laundry room. We had to buy a new set. It was literally busted, the drum had cracked. Not really a fix for that. HA! Glad it was Labor Day sales, we got quite a good deal on a really nice new set, computery and lights and sounds and yay! :) I'm really happy with the size, its like 1.9 cu ft bigger than the one we had before, so that's great, and NO agitator.

SO there's that.

And the not working. This whole owning a truck thing isn't as quick, easy and painless as you would think.

I'm just....

One domino away from everything falling down.

Or one melatonin. Little B took like 2/3 a bottle tonight. Thank God for poison control (literally), they say there should be no harm or worries. I don't know how she is still awake, its been more than a half hour too... I'm so tired of being overwhelmed by her obsession with putting things in her mouth, playing in my bathroom in general, stuff like that. It's like dealing with a dementia patient. :(

So, I was (am) overwhelmed and completely exhausted and who wouldn't fall asleep? The two littles. Go figure. Man it took me a long time to get them to sleep, and then me getting to sleep. :(

It is the worst feeling. At least now in this part of my life I can recognize overwhelm. But dealing with it? Not so good at that. I get angry, short tempered, yelly, the whole list. No patience at all.

Anyone else? WHAT to do? HOW to deal? 

Off The Charts

I'm not a researcher, but I tend to make judgements based on things I do know or experience. I make decisions about things based on my experience or knowledge too. I mean, I think we all do, don't we?

Anyway, moving on....

Boy had his testing last night. He's supposedly entering the 3rd grade. The curriculum we're using is 3-4. His testing is practically off the charts. lowest grade level is in math; 4th grade. That is something that is specific, and taught in order, so he's basically learned it as we've taught it. He understands higher principles, but we have no worked on them so he hasn't been able to make it "click" yet. Highest score was spelling and reading at a 8th grade level.

I was one of those kids too when I was in school. I started reading about the same time as my kid did (3 years old) and went into school already knowing what they were teaching (at the time). So I was "bored", but ended up finding my "calling" of sorts, being teacher's pet (a title they tortured me with for years then refused to recognize me as it senior year in the yearbook superlatives or whatever...). I graded papers for teachers for years, for so long, actually, that I forget when that actually ended. Probably high school or jr high when they just didn't do that anymore, or it was part of the class work to switch papers and correct them.... I dunno. In high school I practically lived in the band room, it was my escape, my hiding place, my home. Not often to practice music either because I was far exceeding what we were doing in there too. The music wasn't that hard, really, and we didn't actually get blessed with learning anything because the other kids wouldn't listen. :(

Anyway, my thinking is this. If I had sent this boy to school, I can bet you that he would not act the way I did. I'm betting he would start goofing off and getting into trouble. His boredom would lead to troublemaking. His troublemaking would lead to him having repeated negative interactions with staff, which would eventually lead to what he already has a problem with; feeling bad about himself and being an angry kid (sometimes he does feel this way because his perfectionism is as deep as mine....). Pair that with the "Lord of the Flies" hierarchy of high school, and you've got yourself a major problem. 

Is this a typical thing for advanced girls vs boys? The boys would end up being bored and getting into trouble and the girls would try to be "teachers" too? Or find some other acceptable escape?

All I can say is I am very grateful for homeschooling. We can blast threw some things or skip some things that he's advanced at, and just edit for what he needs. So far, I haven't been good at doing this. But I can finally say, after two years of this homeschool thing under my belt, I'm finally flexible enough to edit. :P

So what I was getting at in the beginning of this post was this is a form of personal research. ;) :P Let me know! Were you ahead? Behind? Average? What are your experiences? What have you read?

Off The Charts

I'm not a researcher, but I tend to make judgements based on things I do know or experience. I make decisions about things based on my experience or knowledge too. I mean, I think we all do, don't we?

Anyway, moving on....

Boy had his testing last night. He's supposedly entering the 3rd grade. The curriculum we're using is 3-4. His testing is practically off the charts. lowest grade level is in math; 4th grade. That is something that is specific, and taught in order, so he's basically learned it as we've taught it. He understands higher principles, but we have no worked on them so he hasn't been able to make it "click" yet. Highest score was spelling and reading at a 8th grade level.

I was one of those kids too when I was in school. I started reading about the same time as my kid did (3 years old) and went into school already knowing what they were teaching (at the time). So I was "bored", but ended up finding my "calling" of sorts, being teacher's pet (a title they tortured me with for years then refused to recognize me as it senior year in the yearbook superlatives or whatever...). I graded papers for teachers for years, for so long, actually, that I forget when that actually ended. Probably high school or jr high when they just didn't do that anymore, or it was part of the class work to switch papers and correct them.... I dunno. In high school I practically lived in the band room, it was my escape, my hiding place, my home. Not often to practice music either because I was far exceeding what we were doing in there too. The music wasn't that hard, really, and we didn't actually get blessed with learning anything because the other kids wouldn't listen. :(

Anyway, my thinking is this. If I had sent this boy to school, I can bet you that he would not act the way I did. I'm betting he would start goofing off and getting into trouble. His boredom would lead to troublemaking. His troublemaking would lead to him having repeated negative interactions with staff, which would eventually lead to what he already has a problem with; feeling bad about himself and being an angry kid (sometimes he does feel this way because his perfectionism is as deep as mine....). Pair that with the "Lord of the Flies" hierarchy of high school, and you've got yourself a major problem. 

Is this a typical thing for advanced girls vs boys? The boys would end up being bored and getting into trouble and the girls would try to be "teachers" too? Or find some other acceptable escape?

All I can say is I am very grateful for homeschooling. We can blast threw some things or skip some things that he's advanced at, and just edit for what he needs. So far, I haven't been good at doing this. But I can finally say, after two years of this homeschool thing under my belt, I'm finally flexible enough to edit. :P

So what I was getting at in the beginning of this post was this is a form of personal research. ;) :P Let me know! Were you ahead? Behind? Average? What are your experiences? What have you read?

Off The Charts

I'm not a researcher, but I tend to make judgements based on things I do know or experience. I make decisions about things based on my experience or knowledge too. I mean, I think we all do, don't we?

Anyway, moving on....

Boy had his testing last night. He's supposedly entering the 3rd grade. The curriculum we're using is 3-4. His testing is practically off the charts. lowest grade level is in math; 4th grade. That is something that is specific, and taught in order, so he's basically learned it as we've taught it. He understands higher principles, but we have no worked on them so he hasn't been able to make it "click" yet. Highest score was spelling and reading at a 8th grade level.

I was one of those kids too when I was in school. I started reading about the same time as my kid did (3 years old) and went into school already knowing what they were teaching (at the time). So I was "bored", but ended up finding my "calling" of sorts, being teacher's pet (a title they tortured me with for years then refused to recognize me as it senior year in the yearbook superlatives or whatever...). I graded papers for teachers for years, for so long, actually, that I forget when that actually ended. Probably high school or jr high when they just didn't do that anymore, or it was part of the class work to switch papers and correct them.... I dunno. In high school I practically lived in the band room, it was my escape, my hiding place, my home. Not often to practice music either because I was far exceeding what we were doing in there too. The music wasn't that hard, really, and we didn't actually get blessed with learning anything because the other kids wouldn't listen. :(

Anyway, my thinking is this. If I had sent this boy to school, I can bet you that he would not act the way I did. I'm betting he would start goofing off and getting into trouble. His boredom would lead to troublemaking. His troublemaking would lead to him having repeated negative interactions with staff, which would eventually lead to what he already has a problem with; feeling bad about himself and being an angry kid (sometimes he does feel this way because his perfectionism is as deep as mine....). Pair that with the "Lord of the Flies" hierarchy of high school, and you've got yourself a major problem. 

Is this a typical thing for advanced girls vs boys? The boys would end up being bored and getting into trouble and the girls would try to be "teachers" too? Or find some other acceptable escape?

All I can say is I am very grateful for homeschooling. We can blast threw some things or skip some things that he's advanced at, and just edit for what he needs. So far, I haven't been good at doing this. But I can finally say, after two years of this homeschool thing under my belt, I'm finally flexible enough to edit. :P

So what I was getting at in the beginning of this post was this is a form of personal research. ;) :P Let me know! Were you ahead? Behind? Average? What are your experiences? What have you read?

Starstruck

I don't know if it's just me, or if many aspies feel this way, but I get starstruck over people who were or are supposedly "cool".

My husband had his class reunion this weekend. it was a small class, so it's no big party but it was a good dinner!

He graduated when I was in the 6th grade, so I wasn't in high school with him or his class. It was a K-12 school, so you often knew everyone who was in the building at the same time as you, to be honest. And many of those were related.

Anyway, even so, I knew several people in my husband's class simply because of their popularity or whatever. Some of them were just so cool. And it's pretty awesome to me now to talk to these people who seemed to be kinda idolized when they were in school. Even having something in common with them is just exciting for me. It's a funny, funny thing. I don't feel like I'm fully describing what I mean, so I hope someone out there knows what I mean. Long past the time of "cool" people and "uncool" people, it's nice to visit with people who likely wouldn't have given you the time of day back then. Starstruck that they would pay me any attention at all, being I was the uncoolest of uncool. :P

I wonder if the feeling is much the same with real celebrities?

Anyway, just a short little note to talk about that. Anyone else feel that way?

Power Outage!!!

Well. It happened. It was bound to happen at least once in my life right? At least it happened in the summer and not the -60 degree winter. Right?

We had a hot day. One. Storms fired up in North Dakota and blasted over through Minnesota overnight. I saw the radar, knew it was coming, but was not really prepared for how it ended up!

Just after 1 am, loudness woke me up. The hubby got up and wondered if our oldest had his noise cancelling headphones, and went to check. He wasn't awake yet, but he did. All I could hear was wind and big raindrops blasting. The lightning was near constant, but the thunder wasn't overly loud. I checked the radars and alerts on my phone and there was, for a change, a severe thunderstorm warning coming right at us. This never happens, and a part of me was very excited! But, since it was 1 am, I was too tired, and there isn't really much to see at 1 am in the dark. 

About 2 minutes after the storm arrived, it all went dark. And that was it. Power outage!

It happens now and then with a real good storm, and it usually resolves shortly. Since it was the middle of the night, I figured it wouldn't be resolved until morning anyway. When the lights went out, the oldest did freak out. So he had to come in my room. Hubby got the LED lanterns and we all went back to bed. 

In the morning, still no power. We got up and did the best we could to just quick get our milk and eat breakfast and move on with the day, keeping the fridge and freezer shut. The power could come back on at any time, you know. We just managed. 

As the day went on, I was watching facebook and whatnot on my phone, it became clear that power would likely NOT be turning on soon. The neighbor informed me of a tree on the power line (it goes down their driveway and then comes down to our house), and knowing the order of priorities we would be last on the list because its an individual line. STILL, no one expected four days later would be when we finally got our power back!

By evening on day one we realized that we weren't getting our power back, and food needed to be moved. Luckily, it was still mostly frozen but to make the process easier we only moved the important most sensitive foods (meats, cheese, dairy etc). I figured that it couldn't be too much longer, and if we just locked up the freezer, the bagged veggies would be fine. Day one is the hottest day of the year (so far), and muggy.

Day two, still no power in sight and no repair team even assigned to our area. Numbers between our power company and the one that is mainly in the major cities/towns was up around 80,000 people without power. News stations are doing an awful lot of reporting over facebook live, which is cool! What an invention! One station was knocked completely out, their satellites were stood up instead of pointing in the proper directions, and something up the hill from them (in Duluth) was also knocked out of power. 

We did our best. We got dry ice once, and bagged ice. I wish I had gotten a ton more dry ice because by day 2, the dry ice everywhere was sold out. Day three the neighbor said Duluth was sold out as well. It's a dry ice shortage! (BTW: if you want to keep things cold and frozen, dry ice is the way to go). 

We hung out mostly at my in laws. They never lost power, and had it the whole time. So we showered there, ate there, just kinda hung out. 

We got our power back yesterday afternoon. 

Being an aspie and having a power outage is pretty stressful. Our house felt unwelcoming and I was scared to do anything for fear I would forget that I needed power to do it and would be stuck not doing it. AND it was blasted hot in our house, so many windows that its like a greenhouse. Doing the "open all night, shut before it gets hot" trick doesn't work here because of the windows, so it was just easier to leave the windows open. The cats survived. Hubby borrowed a generator on day 4, and that was kinda nice to get the freezer going.

Now I'm having to make the decision of whether or not to throw out the veggies that thawed. Even tho we had dry ice, and regular ice, and they went into the cooler on day 3 instead of the freezer... I'm unsure. I guess they are probably not any good, or fall under the rule of "when in doubt, throw it out"... But we aren't necessarily doing well right now so the thought of throwing out vegetables really gets to me. Not to mention the fresh picked rhubarb!! I should have thought faster on that one and cooked something with it right away when the power went out.

Which brings me to my point: Survival. My brain was only on survival. It wasn't on being creative, it wasn't on thinking of what I could do to cook things that were thawing. It was on survival and maybe even avoidance of the problem of not having power. It took me three days to start thinking creatively about things and by then I felt unsure it would be safe anymore.

So now I will have to throw things out. I'm a little frustrated about it I guess, but I'd rather no one puked around here. 

I get things started up, had to pay some bills online, and what else? The internet is also out. Waiting currently for the repair guy to show up. I sure hope it's a quick easy fix. :P Using my cell to do internet today. 

Having an aspie KID while all this is going on? He seemed to do okay, but refused to sleep alone in his room without power. Again, it made the house seem unfriendly and unwelcoming. Nights were so miserably sweaty I couldn't believe it, and I hate nothing more than feeling sticky, sweaty and yucky hot. Sitting and doing the bedtime stuff was sweating so hard I couldn't believe it. But it was interesting.

Hubby said it was like camping in your own house.
Except camping is fun, you get to go somewhere else, NOT go to work, and you get to sightsee. That's kinda the point of camping. Of course, none of that was going on, it was life as usual, just without power at home. 

Aspie's dont like change. Even little changes. I did okay, until someone else started losing their minds over it and then I had very little patience. Yes, we all want the power back on. I'm sure the power company employees live in the area too and want their own power back on as much as anyone else, but there's a process they go through, and it takes time when you have thousands of miles of line and thousands of customers out, and thousands of trees on the lines. But we still don't like change. I think I am surprised by how I was able to bear it anyway. But, we still had someplace to go that had power. If we hadn't, I'm not sure how I would have felt. Pretty helpless as things rotted away, I'm sure.

It was a mess. I have only seen the tip of it because I haven't really been anywhere. We lost a few trees, but not the ugly crooked one or the dead one that have bothered me since we had some logged a while back LOL. Of course. But nothing hit any of our buildings and I don't think anything hurt the neighbors either. So we were lucky. We could be dealing with a hole in the roof and trying to work with insurance to fix it and stuff. Who knows. 

It's just not the same without power.

Things you take for granted?
Cold refrigerator/freezer

Running water/flushing toilets

Night Lights

Electricity in general.

It's been surreal. 

Gorillas, Parenting, & Kids, Oh My!

So, unless you've been living under a rock, you know about the little boy and the gorilla. I apologize for being yet another voice weighing in, but this is weighing heavy on my heart because I know what it feels like to have your child dart into traffic or around the grocery store without control. I've parented in every possible method, including leashes, to prevent and stop my kids from darting, but sometimes they are just excited and they just zoom off! It happens. Here's my thoughts, I apologize in advance for being long.

The main response/reaction that seems to be circulating was that an "innocent" animal was killed because a "terrible" mother didnt have her kid under her control every single second. Is that the general consensus?

I don't even know where to begin. We have left any sense of logic, common sense or consideration altogether. There is no sense left in the world, except in the minority of people who are either defending or at least giving benefit of doubt to the zoo personnel and the parent involved.

Said an eyewitness:
“I don’t feel like it was neglectful,” she said. “She had three other kids that she was with. She had a baby in her arms. It was literally the blink of an eye.”

She added: “I saw it, and I couldn’t even prevent it. It happened so fast.”

So, if the mom is to blame because she didn't have control of her kid, why aren't we also blaming the bystanders for stopping it too? Aren't they also responsible as they saw a child slip through and didn't stop him? I mean, if the parent who loves and cares for that child didn't see it and stop it in time, why weren't other bystanders also held to the same level of responsibility? Doesn't it "take a village"?

She had three other children. And last time I checked, moms only have two arms and hands. That isn't even enough to hold onto all three children, and she had a total of four, according to the information I've read. It's a bit hard to have your hands on four children with two hands isn't it?

She should not have gone out if she couldn't handle/control all four kids, you say? Really? So now we have to subject all moms to forced house arrest because they *might* run the risk of being hurt or lost or falling into a zoo exhibit? She might have had help with her. One of the older kids might usually be very helpful and just happened to be acting like a kid at the moment and not being very helpful.

Or maybe she HAS been staying home every day, all day long, and she wanted a break from that boring every day routine and she just wanted to go out to the zoo with the kids for a day and have a little bit of fun. What could happen at a zoo?! Those places are supposed to be safe, right? Well, something bad did happen, but thankfully her child ended up just fine considering, probably only with the fear and memory now of something crazy and scary. Mom will have to forever replay this moment in her mind, probably having her own nightmares, while her four year old child is also struggling to understand in his very confused and scared mind as well. This probably leads to a life long fear, something that he too will also have to deal with likely for his entire life. First of all, I think that's punishment enough, but add to that the fact that mom's shouldn't have to just stay home all the time, and that maybe the "one" time she decided to go out for a fun day turned into disaster is also weighing on her mind and spirit as well. How long until she feels safe enough to go out again?

I know as a mom of three kids, it is SUPER HARD to go anywhere with them. And I'm speaking from a place where one of the three doesn't even walk by himself yet, and another one still fits in the shopping cart seat! I don't have three kids who are all walking around on their own. In the zoo, right now, I'd have a stroller and a baby carrier and a third kid walking around who's nine years old, and old enough to ask for help and know better because he's a little bit less impulsive. And it's still MAJORLY HARD to go out to the grocery store with all of them. It's only going to get harder as they get more mobile and outgrow strollers and shopping cart seats! I don't know the ages of the other three children, but I did read that one of them was a baby in the arms of the mom. Anyone who's ever held a baby should know that is an armful + anyway. How can she wrangle a baby AND a four year old, plus two more kids? Have these judges tried it? I suggest that they try it and THEN they can start judging.

Kids are impulsive. They don't think things through. They imagine things and then they want that thing, and they don't have the ability to think about all the results of their action and imaginations. Think about it: when you tell a child no, you act out of your higher knowledge of what might happen, or the reasons why you are saying no. Kid's don't know all that! They have NO IDEA what the results of their imaginations are, they don't quite yet have that ability. When you're chasing three other kids, you don't have the time to stop and explain every detail to why you're saying no. This kid had been saying how he wanted to get in the water with the gorillas, and mom said no, more than once. He didn't understand why not, so he impulsively jumped into action. This is why kids aren't allowed to drive, live on their own, and make other "adult" decisions! They aren't adults, and one mom with four kids is still only one mom. 

Moving on to the zoo personnel, they did the right thing, I fully believe that. They had no other options that were safe for all parties involved. The only solution was sacrificing the creature rather than the child. They didn't have time or heartlessness enough to think "Well, some stupid parent deserves to lose their kid to the gorilla...." - and you can bet if they HAD thought that way, we would be boycotting them and their zoo, and issuing death threats.

If they had made the popular "other" choice, tranquilizing the gorilla, it would have taken several minutes to take effect. We've heard that over and over again. They don't just fall over asleep. There's a reaction. That reaction would have only intensified the situation.

Let me replay this for you. In the short video of this that I saw, the gorilla stood OVER the child. Anyone who understands animals knows that any time an animal stands over you, or tries to position itself higher than you, is trying to display dominance and intimidation. Dog's do it to babies and i cringe. That's why I don't allow my dog to do this particular display of positioning. Even we humans place kings and queens on thrones that are higher than the rest of us, and its also common to bow to royalty. We place ourselves lower in submission, and they higher in dominance. This gorilla was, from the very start of the video, displaying dominance and intimidation.

Next, the gorilla grabbed the boy and DRAGGED him through the water. I don't know on what planet that would be considered protection. If I grabbed your child's foot, and dragged them through a body of water, you would think I was crazy and trying to drown the kid, not that I was protecting them.

Then it appears the gorilla helps the boy up, holding his hand and whatnot. This momentary few seconds of "gentleness" is not the same thing as being protective. It's more curiosity perhaps, and investigation. Even lions investigate their prey before pouncing. Even a housecat will watch a fly, gently following it around before it pounces and eats it. The gorilla then grabs the kid by the back end, pushes him face forward into the water and drags him,  seemingly by the pants, again through the water.

After that most videos end, but its said the gorilla hauled the boy up a ladder, and proceeded to stand over him again at the top. They said he was shot with the boy between his legs, what that means is unclear (to me) if it were the front legs while towering over the boy, or the back legs sitting down with the boy on his "lap" so to speak or what.

Nothing in that situation makes me think "protective". What the FEMALE gorilla did years ago is protective and far different from what this MALE gorilla did. Fact is, whether we want to admit it or not, males and females, even when talking about other primates, are VERY different. Typically women are more nurturing, and in some cases do all of the baby care, in many animals the males will kill babies in order to reproduce with the female again, or whatever.

This gorilla seemed to be putting on quite a show of dominance and aggression. Dragging a new surprising creature through the water in a pretty violent way pretty much negates any idea that the gorilla was doing the boy any favors. Protection would have had to have been in gentleness, and he was not consistently gentle. Even men (or women) who physically abuse their partners are gentle often enough to convince them that they aren't all bad, right? Why would we think any better of a simple animal?

In a lot of the sarcastic posts going around, there's things being said about how now "everyone is an expert on zoos, gorillas and parenting", and that's a great point. Few of us know zoos, even fewer of us know that much about gorillas. There are quite a few out there who know quite a lot about gorillas, and they are either hesitantly or flat out supporting the decision the zoo made based on gorilla behavior, even in the wild, and you're talking about a captive gorilla, which are thought to be less happy because of their circumstances.

And though many of us are parents, if we were really honest with ourselves we would know that each child even within our own family is very different. One child is fearless and will do anything, and another is much more timid and follows the rules to a fault. One child is extremely sensitive and another seems to be much less concerned. We cannot, even for one second, think that we know this mom, this child, this family, or even the understanding of the bystanders. Details get lost in panic and adrenaline fueled situations. What is being said might not be the complete story. What we see on video lacks the context of what was happening with mom and bystanders before, after and during. There really isn't a way for us to judge what happened because there really isn't a way for us to have all the facts.

I will add, for kids with autism, it is sometimes extremely difficult to get through to them. Even my nine year old has problems transitioning his brain off of the thing he's determined to get or do, and redirect him into a more logical, safe conclusion. It takes time, and if I were distracted with three other children, I admit I may not be as successful as I would want to be either. In no situation is that the fault of the child or the parent. It's just life. We tell adults to use their seat belts, not drive distracted, don't drink and drive - think about it, how many adults do you know that drink and drive anyway? And that is a SIMPLE one to prevent and avoid, and yet so many deaths still can be the result of a drunk driver! If we can't get adults to make the right decision, why do we expect more of a four year old boy? 

One thing I know for sure, I think it's extremely common for a child to run off from their parents. I'd even be willing to say that it happens to every parent with at least one of their children at least one time in their life. If you're a parent and it hasn't happened to you, your time is coming. Be careful not to judge this mom so harshly that you judge your future self. 

I find it heartbreaking that they are even investigating the family at all, or even considering charges against them. I can't see any instance where it would make any sense at all to blame them for what happened. It was not intentional (on any rational adult's part) for all of this to have happened. The right decision was made, the life of the child over the life of a captive aggressive animal, and everything else turned out okay. It could have been so much worse.

In a way, it's good that we have compassion even for animals. But that compassion should never toss aside the life of a child or the mother. People come first. We wouldn't have blamed anyone for protecting a child from a wild jungle animal of any kind. We shouldn't do it with a zoo animal either.

Holes In My Memory

I am the kind of person who remembers everything. I wouldn't say I have a very good short term memory at the moment, because keeping three kids alive is taking up much space these days. But typically I can remember really random events that come up sometimes and I can recall things you may not have remembered saying or doing. And I'm not going to make things up, I really remember things clearly, and I'm not going to lie and say otherwise.

But more and more I've discovered that there are giant holes in my memory. There are entire events that I don't even remember at all. And strangely enough, many of those memories that I'm realizing I don't have stored in the database are memories of Girl Scout events. 

I have been wondering for a long time now why so many of these events aren't in my memory anymore. I mean, there are pictures of them, so clearly they happened. But why don't I remember them?

I remember one big sleepover at Camp Austen. I remember one day camp we did where I was in charge of the little kids and all of a sudden my grandpa showed up saying he was told to come get me, and another girl was all of a sudden in charge of the little ones. I remember several mall sleepovers, maybe mostly because they were right on or around my birthday; in fact my 16th birthday was celebrated in a mall overnight with like 300 other girls, by FAR the biggest birthday party I ever had (don't crush my story, I need this one - without the mall sleepover I wouldn't have even had a party). 

But there are giant things we supposedly did that I have no clue. My mom and I were kinda mentioning one the other day that was apparently in the boundary waters somewhere - not far out because it wasn't a "trip canoeing" or something, but some kind of other stay somewhere maybe by ely, from what I'm gathering. While I remember making lavender "sachets" (which I literally still had and still smelled the same/just fine up until a year or two ago), I don't remember much else. We supposedly did facials, which I don't quite remember. I remember a room all painted in white, but I don't remember what we did in there or where it was or how to get there or anything else. I don't remember what we ate (I probably didn't like it) or what else we did. I don't remember if it was an overnight stay or just a day. I really have no clue. I guess based on the pictures I might have thought it was a part of Camp Austen. 

I also remember one other event at the bog walk, but only because there was a cute boy involved.

I don't remember so many things. I feel like there was more, a lot more. I know we did more than one day camp, but I couldn't tell you where or what. I know we had meetings, and I would guess at least once a month, and you would think that I could remember something I had to have done like 60 months at least...

Girl Scouts isn't the only thing I have huge memory holes about, senior year there are a lot of things I completely don't remember. From what I'm told, 2001 was the last huge year of mass army worm invasion. You would think I would be able to remember massive amounts of army worms on every surface of everything everywhere, and slimy roads and stinky worms. You would think that would be something a girl couldn't forget. But I did. I don't remember them at all. I give myself the excuse that the emotions of graduating and leaving were pretty intense and my brain was preoccupied with all that too much to think about and register worms and leafless trees. You would think that driving to Togo, instead of to a friend's grad party, would have made the army worm invasion pretty obvious, right? Musta been listening to some pretty awesome music to be distracted enough to miss that, right? 

 I know there are times in life, too, when I don't really care about something so I will literally not pay attention to it. Like the above story, I probably did "know" where my friend lived, I'm sure he had told me, or something, but I didn't plan on ever having to go there, especially not on my own, so I didn't "care" or something and I didn't pay attention all those years and just missed that information totally. 

I also can remember three houses where my uncle used to live, but I can't remember houses where another aunt had lived. 

So, yeah, I don't know why there are some really intense memory lapses, almost like a chapter was ripped out of the book of my life. Like, where is my baby blanket? You would think I would be able to remember something as important to me as that, right? But somewhere in all the business of getting married, it's gone. Despite having my doll, no problem, right where I thought they both were.

Nothing drives me crazier than losing something. Nothing drives me crazier than forgetting something either, which is kinda the same thing. 

Any other aspies have the same problems? 

Overwhelm and Eyesight

Mr B has been complaining of eyesight problems occassionally. I think in the past, I haven't taken him seriously because it came at a time where I asked him to do something and he said he "couldn't" because _____, which to any parent sounds like a convenient excuse.

But today it came when we were doing something together. Something that he offered to do, and wanted to do. He had spent several minutes talking to me on and on about something, and I was thinking how great it was that we were talking and not fighting, and not ignoring each other, and how much he was enjoying himself doing something rather mundane with me, and keeping me a captive audience while we did it. How we should do that thing more often just for the chat. 

Then he got more quiet and said his eyes were blurry. Blurry? Are you serious? Yes, he was. And I took him more serious because it came out of nowhere, he didn't want to stop doing what we were doing, and his behavior had changed.

I didn't know what to say or do. The only thing I could think of was that we had gone to town this morning, it was rather busy there, and maybe, just maybe, his brain had gone into overload mode or something. I told him maybe he needed to go to his room for a while.

He had made complaints about blurriness before, and we've been to the eye doctor, and nothing is wrong. They said he was slightly whatever-sighted (I can never remember which is which), but that the glasses they have OTC in the store would be fine for when he is reading if it helps.

But randomly going blurry? 

For some reason, when Mr B is sick, or out of sorts, I feel out of sorts too. I'm not sure that has happened much with Ms B yet. But it is intensely upsetting when Mr B is not doing well. It is almost like something about him being so much like me in so many ways bonds my brain in such a way that it makes me sick when he is sick, or it makes me scared when he is scared. I thought that with more kids and getting more relaxed that it would go away, but it doesn't. Even the slightest thing, like my assumption of him being overwhelmed, causes me to feel the same, in a fake but intense way. I don't know how to describe it. It is very frustrating because then I am acting out of my uneasy feelings toward his. I am definitely better at this than I used to be, but it still upsets me to feel icky, especially when he is. I just feel so uneasy.

I don't know the solution to this. I don't really know what is up. I hope it's nothing, that it's just the overwhelm or something and we can continue to remind him to remove himself and just close doors and shades and give himself a break. It isn't always going to be convenient to do so, but I'm hoping that takes care of it. He seemed to be find the rest of the night, spent most of it watching movies I guess while hubby and I went to dinner (his gpa watched them here at home).

Anyway. Anyone have any experience with this kind of reaction? I don't remember being a kid and having this happen? 

Give Us Time

There is something that just came to me as I was sitting around here thinking about things. 

I've started to realize that for myself, I need a minute or two to adjust to some things. I'm a planner by nature, and I tend to plan things, even just in my own head, about how the day might go, or what we might do today, tomorrow, etc. I don't always share these thoughts or plans, but it might just be an unconscious thing that happens in order to help me feel less anxious. 

Then, typically my husband come in and tells me something he's doing, or something that we were invited to do, and it shakes me. I usually am VERY resistant at first, frustrated, trying to keep it together sometimes, other times I kinda lose it and get cranky and/or silent.

However, after a short period of time, I'm okay with it. I just needed some time to repaint the picture I had in my head.

I've thought about this often with other people who I know who I am assuming are undiagnosed autistics. I can sense their resistance when something unexpected happens to them, or is asked of them. I can sense their hesitation to agree, or say yes to, whatever just happened. I have to give them time. Usually, if I am lucky enough to ask them ahead of time, then I can not expect an answer right away, and I can ask them the next day or something for confirmation. 

So, to make this short, pay attention to the people in your life. As I've said before, I fully believe that there are many many people in the world who are undiagnosed and will not ever be diagnosed. Pay attention to what people need, and think about it, and adjust accordingly. That difficult family member or coworker in your life might just be autistic, and if you adjust your thinking, you might be able to find a way to make a positive out of the sometimes difficult.

Facebook Obsession

So, did you know I have a Facebook page?
Always Aspiegirl
Go ahead and hop over there and give it a like! I post links there to a lot of things I find interesting, usually autism related of course. THANKS!

Facebook is a big thing these days, of course. I mean, its PAST "a big thing" I suppose, and we are emerging on the other side of "Oops, I'm actually addicted to this Facebook thing and need to seek professional help". 

I've often considered what it is I have such a hard time removing myself from Facebook for. I mean, I'm not necessarily a social person. In fact, I actually don't even actively follow most of my 250ish friends anyway. There are some I follow every post and see them first, but for the most part, I hid people and visit their pages and "catch up" periodically or whenever I think of them or something.

Really, I'm not actually on Facebook for the friends, though it is a big part of it - keeping in touch with people and seeing what they are up to in their lives. But really, when it comes down to it, I'm on Facebook to LEARN.

I've spoken before on my high school "crush" - which ends up being an intellectual thing. So I'm going to expand on that and say that this is what I'm looking for on Facebook. Not as much people or friends, but for learning and all those Facebook pages and links and stuff on things I'm interested or obsessed with. That's the thing about the internet. When I was a kid, if I were interested in skating (which I was) I was limited to what books were available from the library, or watching it when it was on TV. Today? I could literally google almost any of the Olympic athletes I was interested in at the time and replay their routines, and then probably connect to all their other routines as well. I can find their websites, their personal twitter feeds, whatever I wanted.

With my current interests (being parenting, nursing, natural birth and the like) I can literally follow pages that are specifically connected to those topics, and I can follow their links and posts on those topics. They keep coming all the time, rarely doubling or posting the same links twice. And thanks to Facebooks "On This Day" app, I can see them a year later too. :P Refreshing my memory I suppose! 

So yeah, I am definitely obessed with Facebook, but not for the reason everyone else is. Just like my high school crush, it's not for the reason everyone thinks, it's for my own reasons. Learning, gathering info, reading about things that inspire me and that I'm passionate about! That's why I'm there. To learn. Is that why YOU'RE there too? What are other aspies experiencing?

WHOO! Homebirth Officially ROCKED!

WELL! :) 

Little Boy J was born Feb 8, 6:02 PM safely at home! :) 

I have had such an incredible experience, and recovery! I haven't had much for blues at all in fact! If I remember my first two correctly, the first day/night home was ALWAYS a nightmare! I was completely blindsided by going home! This time around, I've been home the whole time! It is SO NICE! Top that off with a great friend who lives nearby coming over and keeping track of things the first couple of days, and cooking meals and cleaning a bit, it's been so great to just be able to chill and know everything is taken care of for a while! 

Things aren't going perfectly, and that little Type A perfectionist is still back there in my brain but mostly, I think I've killed it. This baby has been so good to me!

Having the midwife take care of his ties right away was also a great big blessing. He had his milk in 2 days sooner than his sister (if not more)! It makes a HUGE difference. SUCH a important and huge difference for something that takes less than 5 minutes to do, and really solves a lot of problems. Again, the medical industry is really being stupid by ignoring, rejecting and refusing to treat ties. Makes me want to shake people! 

But anyway, I just thought I'd pop in! I have had some moments where I have a little self doubt, or anxiety, or stress, or overwhelm. But mostly, things are going well! Part of that is probably that both kids adore their little brother! Sometimes little B is a bit rough or moves too fast around him that it makes me nervous, but for the most part she's been a doll! Big B is a good watchdog, when I need to shower or walk away he makes sure his sister doesn't beat on him or something. Little B doesn't really appreciate him at nap or bed time because she wants mama! But she seems to be okay really and doesn't take it out on him at least! 

So things are going really well, and I would do a homebirth again and again and again. Wish I had done it sooner! :) But this time my experience has been so above and beyond that I am just grateful that this - likely being my last (yeah, I've said that before) - that everything is going so positively and beautifully and I am just blissing out still just over a week later! :) 

Zweichen & Surprising an Aspie

So, this could be baby week! I am almost certain it will be, though I don't have any verifiable proof of that (yet), but its early yet. :P Still, I have the 3rd and the 5th are both special birthdays, but I'm leaning more toward the 3rd. Either way, I am prepared for it to be this week.

Zweichen is a German word meaning "in between". Years ago I read a post from a midwife (who's actually kinda local to me) who uses this word in her midwifery practice for the time period in the end of pregnancy. (Click here: Zweichen)

It really stuck with me because it is a very strange time period! There aren't many times in your life when you can feel this way so strongly. There aren't many times in life when you have this intensity of being partially in your old life and partially in your new life. And although it might be completely more mysterious with your first, I don't think that this feeling really changes no matter how many kids you have. I think you still feel the same crazy mix of insanity, impatience, anxiety, or not wanting it to end, but wanting it to end at the same time. (Cuz, you know, babies are a lot easier to take care of before they come out, but at the same time, you want them to come out to snuggle and not make you sore and tired and feeling like a planet anymore!)

I'm definitely in this stage.

I'm impatient. I'm sore. I'm tired. I'm waiting to be done with hard part #1, and get past hard part #2! 

I'm restless. Feeling like I want to do something, but I don't know what. Sometimes I know what, but can't physically or because I'm just too tired or sore. So, it is a frustrating period of time, in a way.

There are signs I'm watching for, probably like every other woman. But, if I miss those signs, I'm going to be sorta surprised! And, as I've said before, you don't surprise an Aspie! Not really that fun! Though, I'm just in a period of waiting, so I'm half expecting and half not expecting it to happen any day, but yet, if I miss the signs, I'm still going to be surprised! 

So I'm on edge, because I don't like to be too surprised, and because I don't want to miss any signs, and because I'm stuck between this phase and that phase. The in between isn't a ball of fun (but it's not torture either), and with driving distance, I don't want to miss anything important to signal to my team either! Yet, I'm prepared if they don't make it too. 

Anyway. Thought I would post something before this all happens. I'll be back and hopefully will have more things to say about the whole experience and changes and whatever else! Thanks for following.

Autism, Pregnancy, Thoughts

I know, I know, I said I was going to work on posting more, and then I didn't post at all for a long time again!

I guess I've just been busy, tired, sore, and most of my brain power is taken up with preparing for this baby!

I'm a pretty introverted person to begin with but I think under times like this I get even more introverted, and I just have to cave in on myself, instead of being able to think outwardly.

I wish I could say I've thought of something constructive to write, but I really haven't in a long time! 

I did have a thought with myself about how my pregnancies and labors progress. I know that I am rather lucky in comparison to most because I feel I have been blessed with these super short labors that I consider to be pretty easy.

This time around, I'm left wondering if I just didn't notice all these little things or if they are just simply worse this time around. I'm more sore, most of which is probably due to just poor muscles and stuff. But also the Braxton Hicks are "worse" this time too.

Which got me to thinking, because I have these "tightenings" so long before my labors, and because this time they are so much more uncomfortable than I remember, could this mean I have some sort of variation of "puttering" into labor? I mean, really, I get more than half the work done by just having this repeated tightening thing happening without much pain. It just gets tight. It does it for months ahead, but it seems like this time and as time goes on they do get more uncomfortable. It's probably worse that I don't have much that fits me, so tight waistbands pressing on my lower abdomen doesn't feel good at all! 

So I just wonder. At what point, for me, do BH turn into a "puttering" version of labor? I guess I might never have the answer.

But I also then plug that idea into the one I already carry; that people with autism perceive pain differently. Though there's no hard and fast rule about that specifically, it works both directions: for some the pain is worse than normal, and for others it is less than normal. I definitely lean to the less is normal side. I wonder about other things too, like cavities (I haven't ever remembered having pain even though I'd been told I have a cavity), or whatever. Though I haven't been significantly injured in my life (no broken bones or anything), things like being in labor doesn't bother me as much as most people I know or have heard talk about it. Though I know that there are more things that play into that other than autism (like fear, misunderstanding a process or whatever), I still feel that something about my autism lets me feel less pain or discomfort, especially when I have a good reason for the pain like I do in labor!

When I had the mirena, I had these periods of terrible, stabbing pain. Maybe because there was an unknown (why is this during like this!), maybe it was because there didn't seem to be any purpose behind it, but these pains were worse than labor! Gladly they only lasted and hour, and ended up being because of cysts, which the body normally produces during a cycle but on BC can develop much larger than normal or burst causing a lot of pain!. 

But they were terrible. 

While my labors and deliveries I wouldn't quite view as that much. I mean, the perspective is different, pain from something "wrong" VS pain for a purpose, but I wonder if there isn't something more to the story that no one has really realized yet or something. Is there something about autism that specifically changes your perception of pain, either for good or for bad? 

So anyway.

This baby is due any time in the next few weeks, so I'm just taking it easy. I will have more to say perhaps about adding a third kid, an the fact that it was never in the plan, but this is how we are adjusting to it or something like that, eventually. But I may be quiet for a while, so I appreciate your follows anyway, and know that after we all readjust and life gets more manageable again, I will try to get focused on talking about more specific autism things again. 

Thanks!