Challenging Myself & Being Disappointed (Warning: Parenthood Spoilers)

I'm a yelling mom.

I don't want to be. But I am.

So I'm taking a book club challenge from Orange Rhino. This is a mom who has her hands full. (One thing I've learned so far and not directly through the book club discussions is that my gut instinct is to say that shes much more overwhelmed than me, but I have to start learning to not make unfair comparisons of myself to others. Her struggles seem intense, but I also have struggles different from hers and they aren't any less difficult. We are equal, not in a competition to "out-struggle" each other.)

Anyway, I was frustrated on one chapter on tracking my triggers. Like a food journal, write down when I yell, why, and whatnot. First, I haven't found the attachment or when I mean to my computer wont cooperate. Second, I haven't even remembered when im yelling to stop and yell away, nor can I remember to write it down afterwards because I'm just trying to decompress from yelling.

I have remembered maybe twice to even stop and THINK about a particular yelling. Sadly, its hard to distinguish yelling from "nasty toned talk", so I'm really becoming aware of everything that's coming out of my mouth. So that's progress.

I was pouting and wondering why I can't get it together and write my triggers when another user's post caught my eye. CONTROL FREAK.

And yet another, who went on to say that its deeper than that, that it's a fear of being disappointed.

*MINDBLOWN*

Disappointment is NOT easy for those on the spectrum. Just last night watching Parenthood, Max was disappointed by a girl he had fallen in love with. I immediately connected because that kind of stuff happened to me a lot too. My intense affection for someone, the flashy ways I showed that, embarrassing stuff. I'm left wishing quite a few notes were dropped in a trash can without being read.

But Max was so disappointed when said girl liked someone else he absolutely lost it. Twice, I recall. It was heartbreaking and sad. This is really normal for spectrum. If something doesn't turn out the way they planned it and pictured it, it's as if someone took ahold of your brain and ripped it to pieces. It physically hurts. I would rather be overwhelmed and exhausted doing it all myself, or criticizing my kid for how he did it wrong, than to just accept that done is done even if it's not done by me or my way.

This is a great learning experience. I'm considering that for that reason alone I may need to revisit some counseling as I did before, and get more to the bottom of this kind of situation because the more I stew on it, the more situations I can see this interfering with, not just with today, or tomorrow, but into the future as well. This is something I'm not lying down on.

Moving forward.

Defense Mode

Just saw this today in my facebook feed from a page called "asperger experts". There was a video with this, but I couldn't figure out how to get a link to that exact post, but heres the content of that post:

"There’s a hidden layer of life that most people with Asperger’s never experience, but is the source of most of the happiness & joy that one gets.
When people with Asperger’s are constantly in what we call “Defense Mode” where they feel the need to constantly be on guard and defend, they become numb to the sensations of life, and go from true living to merely existing.
The easiest way to ensure a happy, fulfilling and successful life for you and/or your child is to make sure that you/your child is out of defense mode.
Find out exactly how to get someone with Asperger’s out of defense mode with our free video series at www.aspergerexperts.com/defensemode
Also please click like and share to spread this message to those who need it.
Thanks!
Danny & Hayden
Asperger Experts
Both Diagnosed with Aspergers
P.S. Wondering what to do next? You’ll want to sign up for our free video series at www.aspergerexperts.com/defensemode "

I think this is going to be so good because I do feel I'm constantly in defense mode! I will be checking more into this sometime and I will write a better perspective on it later. But I HAD to share this link for now!

The More You Know...

Jerry Seinfeld has been popping up in my feed lately because of his quote that he sees himself somewhere on the spectrum! I love this because it just goes more toward my thinking that 1: there are more of us out there than people realize, and that the cases aren't increasing, but the diagnosis is more popular now and 2: I've got this feeling that the majority of our creative, technical, scientific etc genius comes from people who's brain works differently than the average person and 3: you don't have to go through years of therapy or live under the diagnosis in order to be successful!

Whew! That was a bit of a list wasn't it?

I grew up undiagnosed. Sure, I wish I had at least an idea what was going on because maybe that would have lessened the pain of the torture of being bullied and being so different. At least it gives me perspective now. However, the diagnosis itself could be a bad thing because it just highlights your differences too. But the point here is that I am a functioning adult and I didn't have all kinds of IEPs, or extra therapies and stuff to get here. It is possible.

However, at the same time, parents need tools, and help with their children with spectrum issues! Society these days means that family doesn't always live nearby, and neither do trustworthy friends. Even when they do, both can be very busy people, or just unable or unwilling to help out dealing with an intense child! People are so overloaded these days, especially with finances, that it makes it hard to be available. Of course, to the parent of a spectrum child, this multiplies over those normal every day stresses. And if the parent is spectrum themselves, it's even more difficult.

It isn't just autism, but sensory processing too.

I guess that I do feel that the more you know about both any diagnosis and the child themselves, the more you can give yourself or your child a break because you know their behavior is normal FOR THEM. For example, if your child melts down every time you go to the store, or every time you are in a crowd, you have to realize that it is normal for them, and you stop pushing them to go along with your plans all the time. You realize that they have a limitation for crowds or loud stores, and you start making your plans accordingly. Whatever that looks like for you. 

Anyway, I haven't posted in so long and I had those thoughts bouncing around and they may not make any sense, but I had to get them out.