People Are Crazy

(Disclaimer: I truly hope none of you take this personally or as an insult. I'm just venting and reflecting on my experience, and, well, people are crazy!)

When it comes to ASD, there are so many people who just don't know what it looks like. They could have read an article here or watched a movie there, or known some kid who is ASD. But they still don't honestly have a clue what ASD is or looks like. 

I felt a lot of judgement when I was talking about being diagnosed. People just simply didn't think that I had ASD. They really didn't. They wouldn't believe me at all ("You couldn't have ASD! You make eye contact! You have friends! You are married!"), they gave me excuses, ("Well, everyone is a little ASD in one way or another") or they would completely blow it off and not even address it.

With myself I found that few blew it off, but more often I was faced with all these excuses and disbelief! I knew something about myself, I researched it before I was certain, and I knew what I was talking about! Until you've actually been in the head of someone with ASD, you don't really have a right to say whether they do or not.

With my B, however, I have found more people to be blowing it off. I don't know what to make of it. I guess I haven't been up front with every single person about it, its a bit more sensitive because this is B's journey now. So out of respect for him as a young person, I am trying to be discreet and sensitive to how he may feel about me talking about him or whatever. It is difficult for me because I usually lean more toward being open and transparent. I don't typically like to hide anything, or to not share. But this isn't about me right now. This is about him. 

Anyway, those who do know haven't really commented on it. Is this because they don't know what to say? Is this because they don't want him to have a label? Is it because they doubt my parenting somehow? (Yes, insecurity is a part of the deal here.) 

When someone you know is going through the diagnosis progress, find out where they are at with this. Some people may be like me, and want to share with people they trust. Ask them questions and express your concern for them and their lives and journey! Most of all though, I don't think anyone would want you to just brush it under the rug and ignore it. I mean, if you find someone who does want you to ignore it, obviously respect their wishes. However, to me, it feels more as if you are denying that part of me, or my son, and that you either don't believe me or you don't believe that diagnosis is important or necessary. Those are your personal feelings, and you're welcome to them, but that doesn't mean you have to ignore this journey because you feel differently about it. This isn't about my parenting, this is about my son having a genuine brain difference, and we are searching out help for him to grow and learn and be happy and be able to deal with things like change and surprises or whatever it may be. We need these resources because my ASD is not the same as his ASD. My interests are not the same as his interests. You can't communicate with someone in Russian when they only understand Greek. So that's what we are doing. I hesitated a long time on diagnosis. I didn't want my child to be "marked" in such a way, and I figured I could deal with this on my own. (Once again, my independence is really strong here and I don't want to have to have help.) I thought that because I'm ASD, that I would understand his brain and be able to handle it. Sometimes I can, sometimes it is very easy for me to say "oh, thats just because hes ____ and thats ASD, and it's okay."

Anyway. Our first meeting went well! Brody was his splendid self, first shy and introverted, then he kinda went wild with the toys and everything else going on. I think he was running on nerves and the room was hot and new and everything. So I don't have to worry about him being anything but himself, and this is exactly what it's like always. It's also reassuring that he won't ever be anyone except himself, even around people he just met. That kind of thing is always encouraging, at least to me.

Can't wait to continue more on this journey. A week from Wednesday we start the "official" testing. Fun stuff. I remember it well. I can't wait to see the testing from an outside perspective instead of it being for me. 

Journey For The Boy

I know I may have alluded to this in the past, but the boy has some genuine characteristics of Aspergers. Spoke with his doctor since it has been difficult the past year or 2, and she referred us to a neurologist, who pretty much said that he is our little aspie boy! 

Tomorrow we start the official testing, or rather, the intake process for the testing. His first actual testing date is Dec 31, and then several of the following Wednesdays after that, until results at the end of January. As with myself, I'm rather certain that he is definitely my little aspie boy. I've known since birth really. But I need more tools to help him to be less anxious and more at peace, and get his going to bed under control. Something happened when he turned 6, and he stopped falling right to sleep! So strange, as he slept so well up until then. Oh well, getting older. 

So, here we go. Mostly, I just want probably what all parents want, for my kid to be happy, and for us to have the tools to work with the times that aren't so happy, and help him through that stuff, and set him up to be able to get through those times as an adult.

Autism & Genius

I fully believe each person, ASD or not, was put on the earth with their own unique gifts and talents. However, I have found it extremely interesting the intense talents that people with ASD can have. 

There of course is no way of knowing, but taking information about people who have lived in the past, we can piece together some pretty good pictures of people who may have qualified as autistic. It is very interesting how many of the famous people thought of as having ASD were brilliant at their craft. Beethoven. Einstein. Jefferson. 

But it makes sense doesn't it? 

ASD usually comes with a high level of social impairment.

Most NT people are highly concerned with social involvement. Now think about how much time that socializing takes up for most NT people. 

Now think about how much less time socializing takes up for an ASD person. It's naturally going to be less right? Probably much less. 

And with all that extra time on their hands, these people with these brains that are just wired differently, they just have all this spare time on their hands. And these are not bored people! They make all sorts of fun with their spare time.

Who else would be as laser focused on creating something besides an ASD person? No social interests, just pure focus on their craft. Their ability to be totally obsessed with certain topics obviously has a lot to do with which skill they have, and obviously with all kinds of time on their hands to work with their favorite topic, all  sorts of thoughts and fascinations can come up!

I'm fascinated by this idea. As someone with ASD, I have hopes that I too have some gift that is unique and special. Even if I don't even know what it is, I do know that somehow my gift is important and useful. This is true of NT people too of course, again we all have our gifts. But I fully believe that ASD people are not a mistake, we have the characteristics that we have for a reason, and we have a lot of spare time not spent socializing to work on it. :) Ha!

More On Females and ASD

I thought I would write a bit on this gender discrepancy involved in diagnosis of ASD. It is most commonly known or seen in boys, but that doesn't mean that girls don't have ASD. A lot of people seem to think that because less girls are diagnosed, that must mean that for some reason boys are more likely to have ASD compared to girls. This is becoming less true all the time. Girls do get ASD, so it isn't solely a male issue, and a lot of the girls who have ASD don't look like the boys who have it. It is a spectrum, after all, but yet girls seem to have their own set of struggles and symptoms, and especially are less likely to be diagnosed in the first place because they are less likely to act out or have obvious struggles or symptoms.

This is especially true in the upper ranges of functioning, like Aspergers. Aspergers is more known for its social difficulties, but you have to remember when we are comparing ASD males with ASD females, the same truths are going to apply to them as to NT males and females. If you were to think about which were more social creatures, most people would say that females are more social. This isn't true in every case, but generally, the stereotype is that women are the chatty ones. So when we compare ASD males vs females, that rule still applies; females are likely to be more social, but this doesn't come without struggle.

It is said most places that when females are on the spectrum, they learn to mimic others around them. I have found this to be personally true, right down to the accent or slang used. I quickly and easily start talking like others around me, although I am usually aware I am doing it and sometimes I consciously tell myself not to do it if I am in an uncomfortable situation. I also tell myself to get out of that way of speaking when I am no longer in that same social setting. 

I, and many other Aspie women, feel that ASD in females is highly undiagnosed. There are lots of ways that people can pass off the symptoms as "just being a girl". I found it very interesting when one writer put it "I believe that further investigation into this area would reveal that clinicians, teachers and even sometimes parents make allowances for certain behaviours demonstrated by girls, simply because they are girls" (This link) So basically, we are ignoring certain symptoms that are clearly ASD behaviors, simply because the person is a girl, and that must just be her "dramatic" girly behavior, or whatever. We excuse "fragile" girls from their obsessions with horses or dolls as "girly traits". Most ASD girls have obsessions just like males, but their obsessions are more "socially appropriate", and therefore no one thinks twice about a girl gathering and collecting things related to that obsession.

I also found this link very interesting as well, as it seems to show that rates of females are increasing faster than rates of boys, likely due to increased awareness and information. I believe this is showing that things are changing, and females on the spectrum are becoming identified based on their separate and unique presenting characteristics.

This will continue to change, I believe, due to increased female diagnosis, and as us vocal femaspies (I just made up that word haha!) as we spread the word about our feelings and lives and how we are affected by our ASD.

This and this are one of my favorite links about female ASD because it is written by a female aspie. :) She would know. Just like I would know!

Most of the ASD criteria applies to girls, but the perspective has to be changed. For example, as I (and as the writer of the last 2 posts) said, females present differently. That doesn't mean that ASD symptoms aren't there, it just means that those symptoms may be harder to see.

And as in yesterday's post, I fear that more females are punished for their autism behaviors than boys because they are more likely to go undiagnosed, or thought to not be able to have autism.

Journey....

My son had his doctor's appointment recently and we are starting the journey of testing him. I'm pretty confident that he is my incredible aspieboy. I have no fears or doubts about it. He is what he is, and has been since birth. I am amazed at the mechanical and engineering genius he could be someday. His brain works in ways that I can't even comprehend. And I've always known deep down. But it is getting to the point where we need some tools now to find out how to be better parents and for me to be a better teacher to him as well. 

The most frustrating thing is that I have Aspergers, so I "should" know how to help him. But he is different, so he needs different things too.

The benefit of the situation is that I have Aspergers. So I know most of what I'm dealing with.  But what about parents who don't, who have kids that do? I know there is a lot of denial out there because you don't want to have to face that your child has a significant struggle. Luckily these days for the most part kids aren't missed because the school system very quickly runs into problems and they usually get them addressed. Sometimes that is the first time the child shows any obvious problems. I suppose also that doctors will see and help with some of the more obvious ones before school age. My guess is that this happens quicker and more easily in kids who have obvious issues. But what if the kid just tends to be stubborn or annoying? What if they are just quirky? What if they are just peculiar? What if they are just their own person? Well, isn't everyone just their own person? That doesn't mean they are normal in all cases.

My biggest fear? That parents will try to punish the behaviors out of their children. I and so many other adults getting diagnosed these days are proof; you can't punish autism out of someone. It isn't bad behavior, it's brain functioning difference. And those brain differences are on purpose! This isn't a mistake!

However, it seems most parents these days would just view it as bad behavior, terrible twos, trying threes, pre-tween angst, typical teenager or whatever other child related negative title you want to give them. But no matter what you do, you will not retrain an autistic brain to not display certain behaviors. In fact, trying to do so can be harmful, just as it is agreed now that telling children to suck it up is harmful. Even if you succeed in forcing a child to bury their autistic behaviors, it is just going to show up somewhere else. 

I once read something about babies when my son was a baby. Fulfilled needs go away. Unfulfilled needs turn into undesirable habits. If someone is hungry, and you don't feed them, they will find a way to fill that need, even if that means eating paper. (Just an example). Feeding a hungry child makes the need go away (at least for that mealtime - haha!)

The brain causes different behaviors in autistics. Trying to force autistics to bury those differences will only show up as some undesirable habit somewhere along the line. You may succeed in burying whatever autistic behavior you don't like for the moment, but you're causing either you or the child to suffer with whatever the result of that is. I think it is better to support a person where they are at, rather than force them to be something they are not. 

I feel like this post is getting a little blabby and wordy, so I'll stop for now. But I wanted to pop in and post something, as I've been a little out of it lately. Thanks for following!

Challenging Myself & Being Disappointed (Warning: Parenthood Spoilers)

I'm a yelling mom.

I don't want to be. But I am.

So I'm taking a book club challenge from Orange Rhino. This is a mom who has her hands full. (One thing I've learned so far and not directly through the book club discussions is that my gut instinct is to say that shes much more overwhelmed than me, but I have to start learning to not make unfair comparisons of myself to others. Her struggles seem intense, but I also have struggles different from hers and they aren't any less difficult. We are equal, not in a competition to "out-struggle" each other.)

Anyway, I was frustrated on one chapter on tracking my triggers. Like a food journal, write down when I yell, why, and whatnot. First, I haven't found the attachment or when I mean to my computer wont cooperate. Second, I haven't even remembered when im yelling to stop and yell away, nor can I remember to write it down afterwards because I'm just trying to decompress from yelling.

I have remembered maybe twice to even stop and THINK about a particular yelling. Sadly, its hard to distinguish yelling from "nasty toned talk", so I'm really becoming aware of everything that's coming out of my mouth. So that's progress.

I was pouting and wondering why I can't get it together and write my triggers when another user's post caught my eye. CONTROL FREAK.

And yet another, who went on to say that its deeper than that, that it's a fear of being disappointed.

*MINDBLOWN*

Disappointment is NOT easy for those on the spectrum. Just last night watching Parenthood, Max was disappointed by a girl he had fallen in love with. I immediately connected because that kind of stuff happened to me a lot too. My intense affection for someone, the flashy ways I showed that, embarrassing stuff. I'm left wishing quite a few notes were dropped in a trash can without being read.

But Max was so disappointed when said girl liked someone else he absolutely lost it. Twice, I recall. It was heartbreaking and sad. This is really normal for spectrum. If something doesn't turn out the way they planned it and pictured it, it's as if someone took ahold of your brain and ripped it to pieces. It physically hurts. I would rather be overwhelmed and exhausted doing it all myself, or criticizing my kid for how he did it wrong, than to just accept that done is done even if it's not done by me or my way.

This is a great learning experience. I'm considering that for that reason alone I may need to revisit some counseling as I did before, and get more to the bottom of this kind of situation because the more I stew on it, the more situations I can see this interfering with, not just with today, or tomorrow, but into the future as well. This is something I'm not lying down on.

Moving forward.

Defense Mode

Just saw this today in my facebook feed from a page called "asperger experts". There was a video with this, but I couldn't figure out how to get a link to that exact post, but heres the content of that post:

"There’s a hidden layer of life that most people with Asperger’s never experience, but is the source of most of the happiness & joy that one gets.
When people with Asperger’s are constantly in what we call “Defense Mode” where they feel the need to constantly be on guard and defend, they become numb to the sensations of life, and go from true living to merely existing.
The easiest way to ensure a happy, fulfilling and successful life for you and/or your child is to make sure that you/your child is out of defense mode.
Find out exactly how to get someone with Asperger’s out of defense mode with our free video series at www.aspergerexperts.com/defensemode
Also please click like and share to spread this message to those who need it.
Thanks!
Danny & Hayden
Asperger Experts
Both Diagnosed with Aspergers
P.S. Wondering what to do next? You’ll want to sign up for our free video series at www.aspergerexperts.com/defensemode "

I think this is going to be so good because I do feel I'm constantly in defense mode! I will be checking more into this sometime and I will write a better perspective on it later. But I HAD to share this link for now!

The More You Know...

Jerry Seinfeld has been popping up in my feed lately because of his quote that he sees himself somewhere on the spectrum! I love this because it just goes more toward my thinking that 1: there are more of us out there than people realize, and that the cases aren't increasing, but the diagnosis is more popular now and 2: I've got this feeling that the majority of our creative, technical, scientific etc genius comes from people who's brain works differently than the average person and 3: you don't have to go through years of therapy or live under the diagnosis in order to be successful!

Whew! That was a bit of a list wasn't it?

I grew up undiagnosed. Sure, I wish I had at least an idea what was going on because maybe that would have lessened the pain of the torture of being bullied and being so different. At least it gives me perspective now. However, the diagnosis itself could be a bad thing because it just highlights your differences too. But the point here is that I am a functioning adult and I didn't have all kinds of IEPs, or extra therapies and stuff to get here. It is possible.

However, at the same time, parents need tools, and help with their children with spectrum issues! Society these days means that family doesn't always live nearby, and neither do trustworthy friends. Even when they do, both can be very busy people, or just unable or unwilling to help out dealing with an intense child! People are so overloaded these days, especially with finances, that it makes it hard to be available. Of course, to the parent of a spectrum child, this multiplies over those normal every day stresses. And if the parent is spectrum themselves, it's even more difficult.

It isn't just autism, but sensory processing too.

I guess that I do feel that the more you know about both any diagnosis and the child themselves, the more you can give yourself or your child a break because you know their behavior is normal FOR THEM. For example, if your child melts down every time you go to the store, or every time you are in a crowd, you have to realize that it is normal for them, and you stop pushing them to go along with your plans all the time. You realize that they have a limitation for crowds or loud stores, and you start making your plans accordingly. Whatever that looks like for you. 

Anyway, I haven't posted in so long and I had those thoughts bouncing around and they may not make any sense, but I had to get them out.

Practical And Insensitive?

A lot of what is thought about people with Autism Spectrum is that they are rather insensitive people who are unable to empathize.

I may have said something about empathy before, but I'm going to do it again. This idea that autistic people can't be empathetic is just wrong! Have any of these "experts" even asked an autistic person how they feel about something? (Which is another topic for another time...)

In my experience, I usually know when society expects me to be empathetic, but during those situations I have NO CLUE what I should do. I usually end up doing one of two things: First, I become rather practical. If something needs to be done, I will do it. If there is some kind of tidbit of information I can give you, I will find it and give it to you. I want to help you solve the problem or feel better. I usually feel a sense of urgency about it too, as if the problem can't just wait for time to pass, but I have to fix it for you right now. There is something we can do about this anxiety I am feeling over what you are feeling, and I know how to find it and here's something to do. This is the insensitive side.

Second, I become disabled, mute, and avoiding. I usually want to but I can't say anything, do anything or sometimes even be in your presence.

Neither of these responses are socially appropriate. But what I have come to realize, is that the fact that I am not comfortable dealing with the emotional aspects of a situation doesn't mean that I'm not useful! In fact, if it weren't for people like me, how would things get done? Of course I've already mentioned my ability to find and share resources or info to possibly help. However, I'm also good at details. Give me a job! Let me help arrange something, or plan something. That way, I feel useful, I feel as if I am doing something for you during a time where I feel rather anxious about not being sensitive or empathetic enough. 

So remember that the next time someone you know isn't acting sensitive or empathetic enough. There are likely thousands to millions of undiagnosed ASD's out there. Just give them a task, ask them to help you with something specific. It's worth a shot!

Arguementative

Are all aspies arguementative? Do we all argue with people? Or worse, do we argue with other aspies? Is there something about aspergers that leads to butting heads all the time?

I mean for this one to be a conversation, and I'd like anyone reading this to chime in. If you have found that aspies you know to be arguementative, and if you are an aspie if you find yourself to be arguementative, or something.

Change Is Not Asperger's Friend

Change. I think I've written about it before, haven't I?

So just recently my and my kid's favorite show (VeggieTales) recently showed up with an "updated" look to their characters.
I could go a long ways describing the reasons that I hate it, and why I think it sends the wrong message, but to be honest, I'm waiting for all the details to be revealed before I make a final decision about it. So far the thought is that it is only a change that will be used in a certain specific Netflix-only show, and from what I hear about said show, the look fits. Fine, I don't subscribe to Netflix streaming so I don't really care. 

However, it brought to my attention the huge number of parents with autistic kids who were crying out for them not to do this to the only show that has reached their kids. Each had their own story, but all had the same problem: their children rejected and were actually quite horrified at the new look, a range of reactions from "brainless" to "evil" and "horrifying.

In my own house, the reaction was no different. I, and my son, all had the same reaction. 

People say we shouldn't consider it such a big deal. People say that they don't really look that different.

Which brings another thought; if you think they don't look all that different, then obviously we have to realize that your ability to notice and internalize the fine details is not the same as mine. It isn't a secret that autistics have a highly sensitive nature, and we will notice details that no one else even cares to think about. Despite what the info out there says, we may not be able to read faces as much as other people, but that doesn't mean we are blind to the feelings that can come across from certain looks. I think that everything with autism is more complicated than it seems. On the one hand, the research says we can't read emotions and faces (which many of us can't) but personal experience says that even if I can't read someone's face, I can still feel things.

The new design makes me feel frightened. Instead of feeling loveable and attractive, they look stupid and mindless. They look hypnotic and evil. And it's nothing personal, it's not even like all the details are wrong. In fact, someone pointed out that they have eyebrows, something I never noticed they didn't have in the first place, and didn't notice the new designs have now. So its not all the details. Like so many of the others, its just the eyes. A simple little detail, but it is really important.

I can't really think about other ways to try to explain what I mean. But the point is that autistics DO indeed notice fine details, and we are upset by things that are off or out of place.

I don't know what the outcome of this will be. At times, it literally felt as if my world was falling apart. (There are other reasons of course, but this was like a cherry on top of the crappy weak sundae). I felt lightheaded at times, and I wondered why I was feeling so off, and then I remembered, oh yeah, it was "just that VeggieTales thing..."

Change is hard for autistics. I'm not sure on the specific details of why that is, I just know that it is. Rejecting our feelings by saying that it's "not that different" or that we should "just get over it" is very unfair. 

Remember, everyone reacts to things differently, and autistics usually react to things stronger than others. We can't help it or control it (hahaa it's one of those things that we cant control) and that's just the way it is. 

A Long Pause.....

Sorry I haven't posted in a long time.

It has been a long summer. And now it is fall. Like, today, officially.

Sometimes when in conversation, one may encounter a long pause.
This pause is usually uncomfortable. There is rarely a time when it is a comfortable pause, it usually leads me to think "what should I say?". It is very confusing.

I'm already bad at "small talk" anyway. I don't know what to say, or ask. I usually avoid asking a lot of things because I don't want to come across rude or nosy. There is this subconscious feeling that asking questions is rude or nosy, and I'm not sure where that comes from. Why can't I just ask a question without feeling this way? I mean, people ask ME questions and I don't feel they are rude or nosy. Why would I feel so strongly that they think that about me? I don't know. I guess I would rather people just tell me things instead of lead me through a long list of "I'm waiting for you to ask me a question to give you more information". My husband is even guilty of this one. Sometimes he will start telling me something, and leave a long pause, as if waiting for me to ask. Well, if you know I'm going to have to ask, why don't you just finish what you're telling me and not wait for me to ask? Why do I have to ask to get further information? 

Anyway, if you're reading this and you're a friend, just tell me things. Don't wait for me to ask. Because I'm likely wanting to ask, but don't want to feel rude. It's all so confusing. Any other aspies feel this way?

Referred Link

I'll just post this quick link today. Been rather swamped lately, both literally and mentally/emotionally. I feel really really drowned in mental tasks. 

Anyway, a fun link! Yes!

http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-ouch-28746359

Aspergers and Fear

If you have aspergers, what are your fears? What do you do about them? How do you deal with fear? Besides the actual things you fear (like snakes or heights), what about things you fear like the future, or things happening?

Memory

This is probably personal. I have bad short term memory. 

Do aspies have short term memory problems? 

I'm blaming it on the multitasking situation. I think when you have too many things you are thinking about, trying to do, or worried about... your memory suffers. I wonder what, if any, is the difference between aspies in these situations, and NTs. 

What's your experience?

That Wonderful Friend Miss Flow (Ladies Only)

If you are a guy, you probably won't be interested in what I have to say today. Or, you might, if you have an aspie wife or something. But anyway, I thought I would have a few words about this topic.

Since my diagnosis two years ago (Its only been two years? It feels like longer!), I haven't had that many periods. Not long before that I had the Mirena (a very evil spawn of satan device), so I hadn't had many periods for 3-4 years before that.
And, in the past 21 months, I haven't had a period at all, what with being pregnant, and breastfeeding. I'll tell you, I was not missing it (am I right ladies?!). 

Anyway, I came to a point in the past week or so where I was becoming very forgetful. Seriously I couldn't get out of the house without forgetting something, I would forget certain things I was supposed to do, if I was going to write to someone to ask something I would forget what I was going to ask, I would forget what I was doing and get distracted in the other room... some of this is normal, but it was much WORSE than normal. I usually have it together for the most part. I usually can handle things and usually if I forget what I was going to ask, I would eventually remember. I still haven't remembered (even though I know I wanted to ask so and so something). The other day I went to a grocery thing, and forgot a box to put things in, and I forgot my punch card - which was in my WALLET, which I also forgot (of course). 

I'm actually lucky my head is attatched. 

I also got VERY cranky. And I wouldn't just get mad or annoyed, I would get over the top, crazy insane lady, angry, and I could go on and on and on with my rants over whatever stupid thing was happening.

I'm told that as we go forward here, it should get better. Just don't know what to do with all these hormones (does that mean I'm like a hormonal teenager?). 

Anyway, it led me to wondering how us aspie ladies deal with our periods? 

Our periods are something, it seems, most women remember getting. Usually they remember how old they were, even the specific day or the story of the day. Me? I have no idea. I know sometime between the ages of 10-14 I started. I don't remember it being a big deal, or a significant day or anything. I remember mom told us about it and every time anything even looked pink down there I would be like "is THIS it?" and she would be like "no". But I only remember that being a few times. I don't remember how old I was, where I was, or anything. 

And so it goes. I never was good at keeping track of when it started and ended. I don't even know if I knew it was coming until I got crampy. Then as an adult I was on bc for several years, then pregnant, then on the Mirena (aka the devil), then off. Now we do fertilitycare. I am now good at keeping track of E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. regarding my cycle. It's critical because if I don't we can easily "fail" the intention of what we are trying to do (or not do). It's easier than it sounds.

But as far as PMS symptoms, I couldn't really tell you what is naturally normal for me. It's been too long since I was really naturally normal. Most of the last year before I got pregnant, I was not bc dependent, I was progesterone deficient, so my periods were still not "right". They were lighter than normal. So really, its been so long I haven't a clue what they are supposed to be like anymore. And like I said, I wasn't missing it!

But this was crazy. I felt totally out of control. I felt like I could not shut my mouth, I felt exhausted and lightheaded sometimes. And so angry. 

I wonder if there is a difference between aspie women's periods and NT women's periods. If you are a woman, please let me know! Obviously, we might not find out anything on this small of a blog, but it is worth the discussion. Someone, somewhere, sometime will be googling this....

Credit

So, I have over 12,000 views! And 16 followers! That seems amazing! Welcome anyone who may be new, and thanks for following and reading.

I love suggestions about things you may want to talk about. 

I'm going to just write a quick note about something I thought of randomly. Adults with Aspergers.

This whole idea that there is an epidemic of autism is not something I agree with. I look all over the place and I see adults who have so many of the characteristics and signs of Aspergers, it is amazing. And don't tell me I'm making things up, because if anyone knows an Aspie, its an Aspie. 

The point is that we are out there. We are in the thousands and hundreds of thousands and maybe millions. We are undiagnosed and functioning in society. We have jobs, spouses, kids and homes. We can make it on our own or with our partners. Some of us still live at home with our parents, but the economy doesn't make it easy on normal folks, it only makes things more difficult for those of us with struggles. We are perfectly capable of reading and adapting to situations, after all, we've had decades of practice. Think about it; any adult Aspie has had 20 years practicing in social situations. We know what works, what doesn't work, and we watch and take in details pretty quickly so we learn in different situations what works and doesn't work then too. 

So the next time you think you are encountering someone who may be difficult, who is passionate about something to the ignorance of anyone's feelings, someone who is a bit quirky or different, even frustratingly so.... consider for a moment that there are thousands and maybe millions of us who are undiagnosed, and who will remain undiagnosed for our entire lives. People in their 20s, 50s and 90s may be Aspies. Give people a break. Stop and try to be kind and understanding. Get to know us, and give us some credit that even though we might be sometimes mysterious and quirky, we are also going to be your fiercely loyal friends. You don't really want to miss out on that do you?

I Am Autism?

The buzz around the interwebs these days is this idea of whether or not autism "identifies" people. Am I autism? Or do I only "have" autism? Both those with autism, and those with children who have autism have weighed in on this, and it seems that there is a division between those two groups as well. Having autism and not having it but having a child with it makes a difference. Having a child with autism is not the same as having autism.

There are a lot of writers and video blog posters who have said it better than I probably will, but I am going to do my best to try anyway. 

I am diagnosed with autism (aspergers). I am fairly certain that my son also has autism (aspergers). I am as certain about his having it as I was about me. I've seen it inside and out and backwards and forwards. 

First I will give my perspective as someone WITH autism, since that came first. My perspective on this is that I have autism, and that autism is a HUGE part of me. I would go as far as to say that I am autism. It is me and I am it. There is no separating my autistic parts from who I am as a person, and who I am as a human. Everything about who I am today is a direct result of my autism. There is no cure, there is no erasing autism from who I am. It is there, and it is absolutely impossible to remove and separate from me to show the non-autistic parts. Autism = me and I = autism.

As a parent, I can understand the temptation to reject autism as being a permanent part of our children. After all, our children face a lot of struggles and difficulties, and we want to protect them from that, or cure them from that. We want our kids to be "like" other kids, and not have to struggle or be hurt.

 In addition to that instinctive parenting feeling, the majority of the thinking about and around autism is that it is a pretty negative, grim situation to be in. No matter what our progess thus far on disabilities not stopping anyone from doing anything they set their mind to, having autism in any way seems to imply to people that it is a difficult and disabling disorder. There are all these negative terms involved, like disability, disorder, social inadequacy, inability to speak or otherwise relate to others, and that we are only introverted people who ignore the presence of others and live in their own little world. 

Parents, if you are not autistic, remember that you still cannot speak for how your child feels about autism. Even I myself have had people seem to discount my diagnosis, as if there are separate parts of me that are "normal" and parts of me that are "not normal = autistic", and that I'm "fine", or just like everybody else. This thinking is offensive to me because I know myself, and I am not "fine" or just like everybody else. I am not a separate person from the autism parts of me. Even the professional who conducted my testing wasn't fully convinced that I was autistic, but when we went through the testing, she was completely blown away by the obvious and clear results on the autism test itself. 

Thinking back on my life as a whole to this point, I cannot determine any piece of my life that isn't somehow touched or affected by autism.

If I removed the social difficulties that I struggled with as a child, who would I be? Would I have grown up the outsider, loner? As a result, would I have turned to my teachers as my friends, and reached for a higher standard of behavior because I was trying harder to relate to them than my peers? Would I have been the kind of person who stood by what was right, or would I have bent to the popularity contests? Would I have been the kind of kid willing to wear what I was bought instead of working and buying clothes that are 4 times as much but last 1/4 as long? Would I have grown up to be an adult with a strong and passionate sense of right and wrong, or would I be trying to keep living up to the popularity contest that still rules in my hometown? Who would I be without that social difficulty? I may not be someone with lots of friends, but I have a very strong sense of self, and I'm not convinced that I would have gotten that without being a bit separate from everyone else my whole life, attaining to the higher standard of my teachers instead of my peers. 

If I could remove the part of me that is a bit obsessive, would I be the passionate, informed person that I am? Would I be someone who feels so strongly about a decision because I spent hours researching it, or would I just accept what someone else told me and end up unhappy because their outcome is not one I would have chosen if I had all the information? If I hadn't been obsessed with pregnancy and birth, would I have taken in thousands of pages of information and experiences to empower me to have two beautiful and perfect completely natural and fast births? Would I have been able to even deal with a high needs baby who was tongue and lip tied (though we are only now finding that out and he's 7)? Would I have continued to breastfeed even when it was uncomfortable and frequent? If I didn't obsess over the information and obsess over how good it is and how much I disliked the alternatives, would I have kept at it? I'm not certain. Taking away everything I know is related to my autism takes away everything that I value about myself. Taking away the struggles would mean I would have turned out to be a very different person.

(I realize that people can do the things I have done without autism, but I'm not talking about people in general, I'm talking about me personally and specifically.)

Therefore, I am autism. Autism is me. You can't say I'm autistic, and that I'm normal. I am most definitely NOT "normal" in relation to the world. 

I will also add my religious faith based perspective as well. I do not believe God makes mistakes. I do not believe that God creates children to be born with different abilities without a reason. I do not believe that all the struggles aren't for a purpose.

In John 9, Jesus heals a man who was born blind. The story goes like this: 

 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."

I may be 31 years old, and I may not really know or understand what works of God will be displayed in me, or what works of God have been displayed in me. I may not completely understand what my specific gift is and how autism plays into that, but I do know that it does. There is a reason. Even if clinging to God out of pure stubbornness to NOT believe is the only reason, it is enough. Autism isn't a disease, or a condition that I have to endure. It is how my brain works, it is who I am, and how I became who I am.

There is not a whole lot we can do about people who are dead and gone, but looking back on the past, many researchers say that people like Einstein or Thomas Jefferson were likely autistic. Famous inventors, musicians, composers, and artists, as well as today's technology geniuses have a lot of the characteristics and symptoms of autism. These people changed and are changing the world, and they are the ones who were obsessive enough to do it. Would you have failed hundreds of times and kept going? Would you have dropped out of school but still rocked the world? Would you spend every waking moment working on your thoughts, ideas and inventions? Would you be able to go for weeks and months working on a project at the expense of your social life? If you look at it that way, it seems having a successful social life would be a bad thing when it comes to inventing and creating. You have to be so obsessed that you wouldn't even be able to sleep until you've completed what you're trying to do.

So, for those of you who aren't autistic, think about this. For those of you who have a child or other family member or friend with autism, consider what you believe about this, and why. More importantly, consider how people who have autism feel about it, including your child or family member or friend. Be aware of what you say and how you react to their feelings on it, because saying that their autism isn't a part of who they are may very well be the same as saying that the way your brain works isn't a part of who you are. It's like saying that how you think and understand things doesn't have an effect over who you are. Don't reject our feelings to comfort yourself. It's not about you, it's just who I am.

Autism is who I am. I have autism. I am autism.

A Long Week!

We had a long week! Last Monday, we went down to our state's campmeeting! It is a great time! It is like a reunion, or Vacation Bible School for the whole family! It seems like it takes forever to get here (it usually arrives about the same time summer does, luckily), and then when it's here its gone in a flash! 

This year, with a baby, it was pretty impossible to go to any classes. The evening meetings were good, baby was good during those. Most days she actually slept through them. 

My son had class at least 2 times a day, there was a 3rd but he didn't go to it except one day because he gets overwhelmed from all the activity and other kids.

He loves being around others. He is very outgoing and social. But his ability to deal with this is pretty low. He gets overwhelmed, tired, cranky and snotty! Add to the fact that we weren't getting back to my great aunt's house until 9-9:30, and sleep was 10 or after, and you've got one tough little boy. He is always up for a great time, but he is glad to be home today. In fact, at grandma and grandpa's. :P 

I loved it. It was fun. The Sabbath fellowship is amazing. It feels like heaven to me. They provide a huge potluck lunch for hundreds of people, and then people just sit around and visit under the shade of the trees on the campus. Talking about God, or just enjoying the weather. I haven't been to one yet that was ruined by rain, so I guess we've been lucky! 

The best part was seeing Shawn Boonstra again. He has been given the most beautiful message to share with people. I consider him a great friend. His 2 sermons were beautiful, and perfect. Just amazing testimony and everything.

Believe, Pt 1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2VdU6vRW14

Believe, Pt 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWQbEbadpnE

I highly recommend part 2, but part 1 is great as well. Part 2 is his story, so that's probably more interesting. But part 1 is about how God does amazing things with the evangelistic series' he does. It's pretty awesome stuff. God is incredible. 

Moving on to more Aspergers related things, I was exhausted! When you're going going all day (even going to my son's class it was a lot of going, not a lot of relaxing or recharging), you don't get time to yourself, and chasing baby is stressful, though she was very good. So at night when we would get back to my great aunts, it would take baby a while to konk out again and then I would take time to repack for the next day, and rearrange things and just chill out. So it was 12-1 am every night. But somehow I managed to survive. It's amazing the amount of sleep you don't need when you're doing something fun!

Anyway, I just wanted to post a quick note. I am glad to be home and after shopping for groceries today, I have no plans to be anywhere. Just home. Whew. The weather is finally hot and sunny. No more rain and 50s! And I have a low tolerance for sweat, so unfortunately, it is AC month. That should show up nicely on next month's electric bill. Joy.

People Just Need To Listen

I've been through several things in my life where I knew what I was talking about, but no one would believe me. I am not the kind of hypochondriac that freaks out about some little symptom and overreacts into thinking that there is something wrong when there isn't, though I know there are a lot of people out there like that. I research what I'm talking about and I try to figure it out for myself before I go running off an hour away to the doctor, or whatever.

What drives me crazy is that you can do all that research and find out what you're talking about, only to encounter the medical professionals who do not know what you or they are talking about. Of course, in their position of "authority" or "power" over you, will overrule your research and feelings and opinions and decisions and claim that theirs is the right one. So often you can end up feeling discouraged and sometimes even that maybe you are a little crazy. 

I love it when we find out that we aren't the least bit crazy. I love it when our feelings and research is verified and supported by someone. I love it when we can help others through what they are going through because we went through it or we found a way through it or we found a solution. 

I've found my support and verification. Now its just the battle of finding out where to go from here, how to make it work. Usually the hardest and most time intensive part. :( I don't like to talk on the phone and the email I sent 2 weeks ago has not received a response, so that route did not work. I have a hard time hearing, and I have a hard time remembering all the information given. I'd much rather have it in print form so I can return to it to remind myself or just reread the information. I try to take notes, but usually they talk too fast and I end up missing parts of what they say from writing.

In the end, I realize that more people need to listen. If the doctor, that first nurse in the hospital (who it was claimed that she was the lactation person on shift that day), the ENT we saw (who did snip the lip), if any of them had just LISTENED to me, instead of blowing me off with a "she's fine".... we would have had it all taken care of 10 months ago, and I wouldn't feel like they all let me down. You have a parent with a concern, especially when she's mentioned it at every appointment since she was born, wouldn't you take the time to look up information about it? Wouldn't you take her word for it and just do what needs to be done? And what about the parents who had to wean early, or lost their milk, or never could get the breastfeeding relationship figured out because their baby was lip or tongue tied and you didn't even have the information to help them??

This is so wrong, and so frustrating. I'm hearing from more and more people who are finding out that their kid has lip and/or tongue ties all along! More people who were never told that it was a possibility, never told that their troubles nursing could be caused by a tie at all.

I watch my daughter as she clucks her little tongue and I can visibly see the tightness under her tongue. The IBCLC that I saw took a 2 second swipe under her tongue and agreed with my 10 month long knowledge of the situation. Why did it take 10 months? Why didn't a single doctor or nurse this whole time feel what I felt, or just take my word for it?

It's frustrating. It's annoying. It's a complete ignorance of the medical community to ignore my knowledge and feelings by saying things like "she's fine".

I'd like to say I've found doctors who understand the issues here. The ones I have heard of are a distance away. I do have 4 places I am going to try calling. One is out of state (just barely). All are over 2 hours from home. It shouldn't be that way. As many people as I'm hearing are having tongue tie lip tie troubles, this should be nation wide, in every hospital and clinic that deals with babies.

If I found doctors who understood what I'm talking about and just took my word for it, and believed that I know whats best, I would put my money there. But I haven't.

For a long time I blamed myself and just put myself down thinking that maybe they're right, I'm just being persistently autistic and I must be wrong.  That's the problem. They make you feel like you're stupid. How many stories do we have to hear where the parent just wouldn't give up and found out something serious was going on and saved their child's life by not giving up? How many of those stories do we have to hear before the medical community starts taking moms seriously? 

Reading Phase

I've recently gotten into a bit of a reading phase. That means I have started to read books! Real books!

When I was a kid I read early, and I read often. I read all the time! I was reading as much as possible. You know, Brick from "The Middle". Me. 

Anyway, when I was a kid, I wouldn't just read a book, I would start it and finish it usually in the same day. I would read things like Babysitters Club and Sweet Valley University. I'm sure there were others but I don't remember. When I was younger than that, I think there were American Girls and Little House On The Prairie (which I stopped reading when the dog died. Couldn't help it, my dog died around the same time I was reading LHOTP). 

Anyway, the frustrating thing as an adult and parent is that I can't just sit down and read a whole book. I get into the story, I get into the reading, and interruptions break my train of thought and I get lost and forget what was going on. Obviously, once I start reading again its not hard to remember really, but I still feel disconnected and interrupted. 

Anyway, I still get periods once in a while where I pick up book(s) and start reading.

Currently I'm in the "middle" of "Joseph" by Terri L. Fivash (EXCELLENT, I read the whole first half of this huge 461 page "first person" narrative of Joseph (from the Bible).

More to the point, I also started reading "The Autistic Brain Thinking Across the Spectrum" by Temple Grandin and Richard Panek.

So far, it is pretty technical, talking about portions of the brain and DNA that may or may not have a part to play in the autistic brain. Interestingly, sometimes they found portions that seem different, but don't work identically in different people with autism. 

It is pretty fascinating. I walked by the new book section in the local library and it was there, so I immediately picked it up. I am very interested in Temple Grandin because even though she may have been institutionalized years ago because of her differences, she has become a huge figure of knowledge and research on the very thing that makes her famous. Not long ago we watched the movie (Temple played by Clair Danes) and it was fantastic and inspiring. 

I still believe there are reasons that there are people like us. We aren't mistakes, or products of drugs or error. Even when and if there are things that "turn on" our symptoms or condition, we are created this way for a reason. Without this, where would be variety in life, and I'm convinced that in order to be focused enough to invent something, you have to fail hundreds of times and still be motivated and obsessed with figuring out how to make it work. The only people who are that focused on anything are people with ASD type behaviors. That's not to say that only people with ASD can create, but its a connection that says there is something specific about the differences we have that makes us able to do what others are unable to do, to forward the world and create things that are essential to our lives today. People who were uninterested in socializing and more interested in tinkering with their obsession of choice. 

Either way, this is an interesting read. I don't hold out much hope of finding much that pinpoints exactly where autism happens in the brain or in DNA. Even what they do know is varied person to person with ASD, so though some changes and differences are enough to say that its similar to other ASD people, that doesn't mean that a person is going to have ASD, or that they are going to have it the same as someone else with ASD. God has made us this way, specifically, on purpose. Jeremiah 1:5 says "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you;....". God created us, and knew who we would be, and what that would mean, before we were born. We were born with a gift, not a curse. We were born with a "reorder" not a disorder. We were born with a different ability, not a disability. 

I see no other answer. No specific thing is directly and only connected with autism. No gene, no brain formation/deformity, no drug and no living condition... the list goes on. We are who we are because God loves variety and creativity and passion and every person who is born has their own gift and interests and thats on purpose.

Anyway, I wanted to pop in and write something about what I've been up to since the blog has been sorta silent recently. I hope to get through these books soon, but I backed off because I've been busy with kids and whatnot. It was nice though to start reading again, I just wish I weren't in the middle of so many books at one time. Haha.

Shhhh

I have been unsocial lately. It has been one of those rainy gray springs that just sap the energy right out of you. So, I've been feeling a bit unsocial, and not sure what to talk about. 

So, if you're curious about something, just ask and I'll see if I can write a response about it. 

REFERRAL: Loneliness And Lack of Social Contact

This is at the very heart of me. I try so hard to get people to come over and play games and do things together. Because just coming over is awkward, I don't know what to say, whatever. 

However, you don't have any idea how it feels to be rejected in those invitations over and over.

If you care about me at all, you will read this link, and you will remember it to be a huge part of who I am, and a huge part of many other people, diagnosed and undiagnosed.

I might be low maintenance, I might not need people to be fawning over me all the time, but I do need and want SOME kind of interaction once in a while. 

http://autism.answers.com/symptoms/autism-loneliness-and-lack-of-social-contact

BLOG REFERRAL: Do You Know What Happens To Autistic Children - Aspie Writer

I highly encourage you to visit this blog post. This is important information and everyone should read it. It is also, in my opinion, where all the other undiagnosed autistic adults are. 

http://aspiewriter.com/2014/04/do-you-know-what-happens-to-autistic-children.html

Being Sick Is Unacceptable

Thursday night, out of nowhere, I got sick. I thought I got motion sickness while briefly watching a home movie. But I don't think that baby and husband got motion sickness because they weren't watching it!

It's been terrible. Took over the entire weekend. Yesterday we were able to get outside, but I'm still completely exhausted at the littlest work. It's only been 4 days, so I should give myself more of a break. 

But the problem is that I don't like to get out of "routine", and being sick definintely gets me out of routine. Then I try to get right back into routine and apparently my body just isn't ready yet, and I end up feeling bad again.

So I'm hoping to start getting better rest, and start getting to feeling back to normal soon.

Blog Referral; Being Other-Abled

I have a friend who has kids who are other-abled. She wrote a blog post that I think is probably important for everyone to read.

http://countitalljoy.blogspot.com/2014/04/just-what-does-he-know.html?spref=fb

The main point is this: Even if someone is disabled in some way, you should think of it more as other-abled. These kids and adults do have weaknesses, and those weaknesses are usually the most obvious thing about them, unfortunately. We see them based, then, on those weaknesses. It's sad, but it's true. When you see someone with paralasis, you don't think "Well, I'll bet he's a great special olympics athlete", you instead tend to think "I wonder why that poor person can't walk" or wonder what happened, or whatnot.

What we neglect to realize though is that where they are weak, they are also strong. Where you see a weakness, God has given a strength. Blind people will sometimes have stronger senses of smell or hearing than the rest of us. Each person who has a weakness has a strength in another area. People aren't disabled, they are other-abled.

Then as I think of that, I can expand my thinking to everyone. Every single person. Even people who have weaknesses that cannot easily be seen. Every person has some strength and some weakness. Where they have weakness in one area, they have strength in another. 

That reminds me of this:

"

1 Corinthians 12

English Standard Version (ESV)

Spiritual Gifts

12 Now concerning[a] spiritual gifts,[b] brothers,[c] I do not want you to be uninformed. 2 You know that when you were pagans you were led astray to mute idols, however you were led. 3 Therefore I want you to understand that no one speaking in the Spirit of God ever says “Jesus is accursed!” and no one can say “Jesus is Lord” except in the Holy Spirit.

4 Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; 5 and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; 6 and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. 7 To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. 8 For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, 9 to another faith by the same Spirit, to anothergifts of healing by the one Spirit, 10 to another the working of miracles, to anotherprophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. 11 All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individuallyas he wills.

One Body with Many Members

12 For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. 13 For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves[d] or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

14 For the body does not consist of one member but of many. 15 If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. 16 And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. 17 If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? 18 But as it is,God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. 19 If all were a single member, where would the body be? 20 As it is, there are many parts,[e] yet one body.

21 The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” 22 On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23 and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, 24 which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, 25 that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. 26 If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

27 Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. 28 And God has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, thenmiracles, then gifts of healing, helping, administrating, and various kinds of tongues. 29 Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? 30 Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? 31 But earnestly desire the higher gifts.

And I will show you a still more excellent way.
"

We are all disabled. We are all other-abled. We need to stop seeing, judging and decided on the quality or ability someone does or doesn't have based on what you see. God doesn't make all of us prophets, He doesn't make all of us healers. He doesn't make all of us hearing or seeing. He doesn't make any of us neurotypical or autistic. And then even within those categories He doesn't make any of us high and low functioning autistic. Each person who lives has their own weaknesses, even if they are hidden. Each person has their own strength, even if they too are hidden. When you talk to or about somebody, and you think they are too other-abled to understand, you are wrong. Even people who cannot talk have feelings. Even people who don't have any way of communicating can hear and feel. I've seen stories of people with severe autism who have found ways to communicate and have feelings and reactions to what people have said when they thought they couldn't hear or understand. 

Be more careful about what you say to or about others. When you think that it doesn't matter because they can't hear you or understand you, you are wrong. They likely can hear and understand you, and even if they couldn't, God does. It hurts everyone to assume and judge the understanding of another. Even someone as seemingly "normal" as I am can sometimes not quite "get" what someone says, but still end up understanding it, and then wondering about it. Children are smarter, too, than we take them for, even "typical" children. 

I could probably go on and on connecting the dots about different things, but I wanted to just get to the point of how we view and talk about others right in front of them because we think they are too handicapped to understand. We are so wrong about this. We are so hurtful when we do things like this. Often the person or parent involved won't want to embarrass anyone by putting us in our place, but we need to be more aware, and more sensitive. Talk to and about people as if they hear you and understand you. Never assume that you can talk about or around someone them because they won't hear or understand you. You will be surprised that we have totally underestimated people who are thinking and feeling humans, just like you. Even if they have a weakness.

I hope I made sense.

Today

It is a beautiful, sunny, headache from squinting day!

Friends Or Not?

I'm not a very social person. I don't like the awkward silence because I don't know what to say, and I don't like that I don't know what to say. And I don't know whether or not the person I'm talking to has the same awkward feeling. And whether or not this totally changes who they picture me to be, and whether or not they will ever want to be with me again because I'm so awkward. 

I'm not the kind of person that requires that I see my friends a lot. In fact, I can be rather antisocial to the point where I can live right down the road and not need to see my friends for ages. However, there are times when I would really appreciate a friend, and as my friends, I expect that you should know when that is. 

When I plan some sort of party, I'd like you to come. Whether its a birthday, just a BBQ, or some kind of "buying" party, I want you there, or I wouldn't have invited you. 

Don't give me the whole "I don't know what I'll be doing that day" stuff. That right there makes me feel as if you are a very insincere friend. A real friend would put me on the calendar, even bump other things for me. Not wait until they make sure nothing else important (in other words; MORE important) than being with me is going on. I tell you, that can really make a girl feel like crap having people say they will only hang out with you if they don't have something better to do, and then finding out that they didn't have anything better to do, but just didn't want to do whatever with you. 

I get it, life happens. I've had to miss things because stuff happens. I would move heaven and earth to do and be there. I once missed a FUNERAL of a dear friend because we came down with the flu. That was the worst feeling in the world, when I really needed to be there for her family, I was so sick. Otherwise, I've put in the time, driving the miles to go the distance for friends who ended up not doing the same for me - not even once. What's the balance between giving and not expecting anything in return, and being a gullible doormat for others to just use to gain and never have to return the pleasure.

This comes on me now and then, and it seems intense for a time, and then it fades. I'll bet that 10 months out of the year I could care less who I see, if anyone at all. But there are still times when it would be nice to have friends in my life, to be there for me or celebrate or whatever. It's sad that it rarely happens. It's sad that the only people who ever see us are our parents. Well, I guess at least we have someone we can count on. I guess perhaps I shouldn't take that for granted, perhaps, but theres still no replacement for friendship. 

Anyway, I know I'm not the only lonely person out here, and I know the internet isn't to blame (hahaha). In fact, without the internet, not only would I not ever hear from my friends (or them from me), but I wouldn't be getting in touch with new friends. I have friends in my church now! I have friends who are also Aspies! I have friends that at least I can write to and they know exactly what I'm talking about (you know who you are Aspie Writer!) And that is GREAT. 

But still, having a BBQ by yourself is kinda boring.