Post Holiday Blues and Social Life

It would appear that I'm more sensitive than the average bear.

I always hated when the "holiday/weekend" was over. I hated when it ended.

This past Christmas was no exception; except that there WAS an exception: it did not last long enough.

My parents and brother arrived Sunday evening. My parents stayed nights with grandpa, and my brother and his girlfriend stayed with us. They left yesterday. They were here a short 2 days.

THAT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Usually we had a nice holiday time. People were off work, we played games and had a fun time, and it lasted more than a weekend. Even though it was Sun-Mon-Tues, it felt like Fri-Sat-Sun. And that sucks.

Top that off with some good old family drama (not mine), and I've got a particularly bad case of the blues today. It is good I suppose that I've spent LITERALLY the past 5 hours sorting through LEGOS. We got our son a 3 drawer system for his Lego storage, and so I wanted to get them "organized" into that, and he mixed in a Lego game into his play legos, so I had to sort through and find those pieces and put the game back together. It literally took more than 5 hours to do this. I just finished, sore back, sore neck, tired, and cranky, but relieved that the job is finished and things are sorta organized.

I've still got the dominoes (on double 2) sitting out on the table, which still has both leaves in it. So I should probably take at least one leaf out, and maybe teach our son how to play dominoes.
My only thing I'm looking forward to in the near future is New Year's Eve and a dr appt on the 3rd. I'm hoping someone will join us for New Year's, but I have my doubts. It has been very depressing that no one has hung with us for New Year's Eve in years. Maybe my in laws will come over, but they don't stay long anymore, other things are apparently much too important (our feelings). We used to have a guy who was home every year and would come over - a friend of my husband's, but he hasn't been home for the holidays in a few years. My parents never were New Year's people. And I'm guessing that because we don't serve alcohol, no one cares to come over. It is really depressing.

My birthday is coming up next month as well, the big 3-0. I have these dreams of what I would LIKE to do (a limo, fancy dresses, dinner out somewhere, my besties coming from the far away states they live in to be here with me... yes, I'm talking to you Idaho and Oklahoma!).... but I'm going to guess I will be lucky to get cake and a dinner 2 miles from home.

People with Aspergers are "known" for not being the most social people. We are awkward, we feel awkward, we don't know what to say or do most of the time. Socially things are never easy. But that doesn't mean that we want to be left alone completely. I do crave the occassional game night and having people over and doing something fun. It doesn't take a lot, I don't require much out of a friendship, but somehow it seems that people are much too busy. Maybe they are taking care of those friendships that are more high maintenance? I mean, I know everyone struggles with money, and I'm pretty much an hour from most of the people I would care to have over, very few exceptions there. It is still lonely, and I still get disappointed that it never works out. We used to have people over a lot. We used to have great birthday parties and get togethers. I don't know why or how those went away. But it's disappointing. 

Anyway. The holidays can really suck. I wish I could go into a ton of details, but I hate when things get back around to people, when I just need to vent. But honestly, I am sick of it. We have tried as a family unit to make our own plans, control our own lives, and make it as fair as possible. We wanted to nix the running around thing when we were first married, so we had everyone come here, but that always ended up being stressful. When we were celebrating separately last year (due to circumstances beyond our control), it worked so well, it felt so relaxed and comfortable. So this year we thought we would work it out that way too, but we were STILL trumped. We were still forced into the stressful pain in the butt schedule that we've had to experience before. No respect for our schedule, opinion, feelings or plans, because they weren't scheduled by someone else.

Next year things will be different. We will do what we have to do, but if we end up having one Christmas on Christmas and the other on New Year's, then so be it. We are not playing games with our schedule, we are not going to be messing around when we've got 2 kids to deal with on sleepless holiday schedules, we are not going to let someone else control what we do and when we do it. There is going to be ONE family Christmas for one side, and ONE for the other, OR there will be one for both. Both me and my husband were distracted, frustrated and overwhelmed by the constant nagging, guilt tripping and passive aggressive behaviors that went on this Christmas, and we are not putting up with it anymore.

Anyway. It's easy to say that we've had it with the bull. I am glad that I am not the one who brought this up, and that I am not the one complaining (mostly because I'm not the one getting the passive aggressive phone calls). Next year will be different. I don't know how, I don't know what is going to happen, and I don't know how we are going to manage to get the rediculous behavior to end. But one way or the other, we are ending it.

It would be a whole lot easier if we would just be able to move, then there wouldn't be many choices in the matter. You come, you stay the "holiday weekend" and then you go home; none of this eat, presents leave garbage. It's like, its not even about family, its about the food and presents, and the heck with ya. That is not what Christmas is all about.

I'm glad we were broke this year and hardly bought anyone anything. Though I felt really bad about most of that, really honestly, a part of me didn't feel bad at all. Because we never get any quality time, just food, presents, and boom, over.

Just venting. It sucks to have to deal with this. 

Holidays

I haven't posted in a long time again. I don't think I have been able to think of something new to say. It's been "the season" - and I've been feeling sick and very tired.

I have a very low tolerance to stomach upset. This is frustrating because for someone with Aspergers, depression, and generalized anxiety, stomach upsets happen frequently, especially with the anxiety. I will tell you, during these times, its pretty difficult to do anything. I feel completely disabled.

I recently read an article talking about the gut and the brain, and how they are connected. I wish I had saved the link. But anyway, the point of it is that if your stomach and gut is imbalanced, your brain is going to be off, and to flip that is also true. If your head is out of whack, your stomach and gut is going to be affected.

 This is completely true for me. If my stomach is upset, then there is an unavoidable reaction in the brain - almost to the point of feeling disabling. I am unable to function normally when my stomach is upset.

This isn't because I'm a wimp, or whiner, or something like that. Believe me, I'm a pretty obsessed person, and I like to keep my house in order and clean, for example. However, the state of my kitchen sink can give you a clue as to whether or not I'm tolerating or barely scraping by. And lately it's looked more like barely scraping by than tolerating. Because I am barely scraping by. I'm rather lucky to have a new cereal bowl when I happen to start to get low. It's a good thing I have a dishwasher, though for a while there we had no detergent for said dishwasher, and I had to hand wash... I did them all in the morning while I was still feeling good...

I'm not making this up.

There is a total connection between your gut and your head!

And therefore, also, a connection between your head and your gut!
If I'm anxious about something (which is often), I tend to get so anxious about it that I can have feelings of illness.
This might be what's going on with me right now, but I have to wait another week and see if I feel any better.

Christmas is coming. And with Christmas comes the stress of people coming (and not being here as long as I would like), and going (much sooner than I'd like), and important conversations to be had with certain someones, and nerves involved and upsets involved with certain conversation. Add to that the increased amount of stress of having people staying in my house (just my brother and his girlfriend, but I'm still in a period of getting to know this girlfriend, so though I like her, I'm still a bit anxious because I don't KNOW her or something...)... cooking, making sure there's food, and then there's the whole money situation, and gifts (See This Post and This Post) and the fact that I was not able, for the first time, to get everything I wanted to get for everyone.... There is a whole lot of stress going on inside my head, and I'm starting to think (and hoping, actually) that what's going on in my head is what is causing all the stomach troubles. This means that maybe in a week, it will all be gone. That would be nice.

I don't know why I'm an anxious person. From what I remember, my therapist indicated it is a "gift" of Aspergers. It just goes hand in hand with it. I feel guilty for not following "be anxious for nothing...", but I often wonder how much of that is under my control. After all, I cannot decide to not be autistic. I can't decide to not be reserved. I can't convince myself to be less socially awkward. If I could do all that, do you think I would CHOOSE to be like this? I'd like to be more comfortable in social situations, not feel like I have to "hold someone's hand" just to get through it. This is just the way it is. So is that the way it is with my anxiety too? It is just what it is. That doesn't mean I'm immune to the stress and physical symptoms of anxiety. Knowing I tend on the anxious side doesn't stop the anxiety. Knowing God's got this is a fact; and I know it. That still has not stopped it. 

I am pretty grateful, most of the time I function pretty well. I'm not "worldly successful" or anything, but I can run the house and keep things from dying. I have a lot of talent and passion for things, and stuff like that. But there are a lot of periods of darkness, and maybe this is just one of those times.

I have often found it interesting that I tend to not worry about things that other people worry about. Luckily, my husband and I rarely stress out at the same time. Usually when I'm anxious about something, he isn't. When he is, I'm not. In that way, it works out pretty nicely, because at least one of us has a hold on ourselves all the time.

Anyway, I got off track. Basically, the holidays are driving me nuts, and I'm seriously considering taking a vacation next year. Going away somewhere. Somewhere warmer, perhaps with a bit of color. I look outside the past few days and with the heavy snow covering everything, and the trees in their dark winter coats, and the sky in a blanket of clouds, it could easily be said to be a black and white photograph. I need some color! That's why I painted my living room an odd bright blue for a while. Anyway. Here's your "black and white" pictures of the day....

Another Holiday Post/Blog Referral

http://www.aspiewriter.com/2012/12/navigating-holiday-with-autism-part-i.html

Let's move some traffic over to Aspie Writer again. This post she wrote, also on gift giving, is exactly how I feel. And yet, somehow I feel as if there's still something wrong with me, as if I have a choice whether or not to feel this way, as if I should "just relax" or something. It isn't about relaxing, or not being relaxed, it is about the fact that I know me and what I want more than anyone else, and there isn't anything wrong with that. Honestly, to me, surprising me with a gift I actually want gives me more pleasure than something I don't want or care about. This should be an easy choice then.

I think I am probably better off than some people. I can "make do" with things I am given, and there are some things (like Christmas ornaments for example) that generally don't have any negative effect on me even if I haven't said I wanted one. There are those general things that don't matter to me. ;P

But there are other things where I won't compromise. For example, if I want something in a certain color, don't try to pull a fast one by buying something similar in a different brand or color. It won't work, and it will likely get purged (I'm a purger, if I don't use it, it goes).

Anyway, great post again aspiewriter. :) Keep it up!

Driving, Floorplans, Space

I'm not a very good judge of space. 

The number one example that I can think of is driving. I am not a poor driver, I just have a poor ability to judge the amount of space I have around me. To me, in my eyes, every vehicle takes up all the space from the center line to the white line. That's how it looks to my eyes. It's like a brain teaser though because I KNOW that there are very few vehicles that are that wide. The ones that are have to have "wide load" signs! LOL

I'm just a poor judge of space. It really feels to me as if I'm taking up all the space. This doesn't bother me until I have to drive with vehicles on both sides (such as in a big city or when someone uses a left turn lane and I'm passing in the left lane of a 4 lane highway or something) OR if I'm passing some sort of truck on a 2 lane highway. Otherwise, I just drive normally, meeting cars usually doesn't bother me. In bad weather it bothers me to meet a semi truck or something similarly huge, but otherwise, it's no big deal.

The other thing I'm not able to comprehend is floor plans. My husband can look at a floor plan and it seems as if he totally gets it. I do not. Sure, I can see that the bathroom is adjacent to X room or whatever, I "get" that its showing placement and the like. but as far as showing room space, or whatnot, I get lost. It is just a bunch of lines and spaces to me. Totally not meant to be an architect (unfortunately!). 

These things don't bother me in everyday life. Most of the time, my husband drives, so I literally do not have to worry about road space, though sometimes he does make me nervous with certain turns in a parking lot or something. But as long as I don't have to drive, I do just fine. And even when I do drive, I just have no shame in going super slow if I'm feeling a bit out of place or nervous. ;) 

Just a quick note today, so much to do!

Gifts, Holidays, Surprises

A fellow aspie wrote this blog:
http://www.aspiewriter.com/2012/12/navigating-holidays-with-autism-part-ii.html

And I'm LOVING it.

See, I'm the kind of person who makes lists. For gifts for other people, and for gifts for myself. I actually don't write my own lists anymore really, I think I am past that for the most part, but I do tell my husband what I want, and he gets it for me. Or I will say "hey, i would like......" as a "hint" to people. My husband eats it up, he LOVES when I tell him something I would like, it makes it a lot easier on him. He hates trying to pick out gifts. And if you think about it, most women say "Pick me out something from your heart!" or some variation of that, and get mad if the gift they are given doesn't add up to their expectations, when they gave NO indication of what they wanted, but yet they expected others to "know" what to get them. That is a game I refuse to play. I'm simple. I know what I want, and I have no problem telling you and getting that. I find it a great surprise to get exactly what I'm wishing for!

I have asked my son to make a list for others. We do have people who have specifically requested that, and I love it because its perfect! He loves looking through catalogs or on the websites online and picking out things. I give him a limit, he cant pick out a bazillion things, and I explain to him different values that we have, and really he isn't interested in most of the toys that we don't agree with because of values or whatever. He seems focused about what to ask for, and he usually asks for one specific thing more often than others, and that makes it easier to get him something off his list. Usually its pretty clear with him what he is really interested in!

I remember growing up, the best present that I ever got was Shakespeare's sonnets. The reason it was the best gift? I specifically asked for it. I wrote a list, emailed it out, and I actually got it. Not only was I surprised but I loved that book, and it was really fun and exciting for me. It made me feel honored and respected for having my own likes and wishes and it made me feel that the person who got it for me (an uncle and aunt) really valued who I was. 

Although I am the kind of person who loves seeing people receive a gift from me, I prefer that the gift be something that they want or at the least need. I won't budge on certain values I have; for example I don't like violent games or movies, so therefore I won't even buy them for someone else, even if that is what they tell me that they want. I will have to get creative and think of something else or just wait and see if they come up with another idea. I am usually pretty thorough about what I buy. See, I do not want to waste my money. I want to buy something that will get used and appreciated.

In recent years (due to a specific circumstance), I have started giving "money" gifts, like gift cards or certificates to restaurants. These are things that I know people will use, and they don't clutter up your house, they don't get thrown out or not used. They are like the perfect gift! Almost everyone these days usually just buys whatever they want when they want it. A horrible characteristic, I know. But especially when it comes to buying for parents, how do you buy them something that they don't already have? Sometimes (RARELY) I make exceptions to that, but for the most part, I try to give people something that will get used up and that won't add to the clutter of daily life. We Americans have TOO MUCH STUFF, and buying some new trinket or knick knack for someone to put up on their shelf is just ridiculous. Exceptions are photo gifts/framed, but that's obvious. 

I enjoy these same gifts in return. I am a stay at home mom (especially now with an upcoming pregnancy/infant coming in the summer!) and I and my husband have both decided we prefer me to not work, and stay at home with our kid(s). So things do get "tight" in comparison to other families who have 2 incomes. I don't agree with these situations because I (and my husband) believe in parents raising their own children instead of handing them off to child care for thousands of dollars a year or even month! The costs are horrendous and I can't believe people think that it's worth it. But that's another topic... moving back now....
So, I love getting gift cards too! Not necessarily from someplace like Target (unless I have a baby registry to fill like I do now!) because that's only going to help accumulate more stuff. I guess even Target has food now, so I guess I could be sensible about it there even! But a gift card to the local grocery stores is awesome! Or something I have sitting on my amazon wishlist! Anyway, I just love getting something I will actually use, not purge to the thrift shop in a month. I have very little guilt about purging something I don't use, so beware of that, and remember that if you bought it and I didn't use it and I purged it, you have no reason to be mad at me! :P

Anyway, its complicated because "normal" people like to "surprise" others. (Except guys who know that it's probably not safe to surprise their wife with a weed whip or tool, but have no clue what to get!) "Normal" people love "the search". It's a part of the "high" of shopping. I enjoy the "high" of shopping too, but I know it just promotes more shopping and overspending, so I try to avoid it. That, and I can't stand actually shopping, I can't stand the crowds, the people, the noise, the lights, the long drive to town, having to keep track of my son, worrying about losing my phone or something like that, and then there's hunger. Because town is an hour away, there's always hunger that happens. And overspending. And worrying about money. And feeling guilty about money. It's all such a pain in the butt, that I'm done doing that kind of stuff if I can help it!

So I make lists. I give myself ideas about what people want. I write down something I know they need or have wanted. I write down what they tell me they are thinking of wanting for Christmas. I write down something that they did this year. I eventually end up figuring something out. But those notes are really important to my ability to do it. And you wouldn't believe the online coupons you can find for things! Or, like I said, gift cards/certificates to a place they frequent. Spot on. Can't go wrong with a favorite meal and a favorite restaurant!

So basically, this is just a part of who I am. This is just how I work. I don't micromanage so much that I tell one person I want one thing and someone else I want another so I'm controlling who is getting me what. I just mention things that I want in a list or whatnot, and I am still surprised with what a person chooses to get me. However, I'm always disappointed when it's something I know I will not use. Those are really tough presents because though I appreciate the thought, it's a waste of their money too. Money wasting is not something I am a fan of. It's like, if you are going to get me a cruddy present I don't want, I'd rather have the 20$ because that would do me more good. And thankfully, my hubby is on board with that! Maybe he has Aspergers too. ;) 

Crowds

I haven't posted in forever again, sorry!

I went over 1000 views though! That's kinda cool!

Yesterday, I had gotten tickets to a comedy show for my husband, so we went. It was in an arena. This is bigger than anything I have ever been to, except for a Timberwolves game or two (not by choice; we sang the national anthem when I was in high school).
Anyway, sometimes it perplexes me how I have the ability to deal with crowds. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not comfortable. I don't feel "safe", I don't trust people won't try to swipe something from me, I don't like being bumped into or smelling alcohol or smokes on other people, etc. But somehow, its like I am mentally prepared, and I don't freak out when I'm there.

We were kinda squished in our seats. My husband felt very cramped. The guy next to him thought he had to use half of my husband's space and the guy next to me kept elbowing me (unintentional I hope). So I leaned over toward my husband more. He didn't seem too bothered, but he didn't really accept my hand very often. He was uncomfortable, yet enjoying the show.

I always seem to find the path through a crowd. I don't "stay in line" - I see a space and I go for it. If I'm moving, then I'm closer to not being there I guess, right? My husband doesn't know what I'm doing half the time, he just sees me darting in and out of "traffic", unless he's had the forethought to hold on, in which case I am slowed down a little.

I wonder if having Aspergers, and not being comfortable in crowds, leads some kind of ability to see the holes where others don't. I guess where some people will try to walk straight, I will take zigzags just to get out. I don't know.

Anyway, somehow I have gained this ability to be ok in a crowd, at least for a short time, or an afternoon or something. How, I don't know. Maybe it was because of my childhood having so much family around periodically for holidays and such. Maybe it was from being in public school and liking enough of it that I just learned to be in the crowd. 

However, like most other things in my life, I never follow the crowd. Most of the crowd going out of the arena was going to the left. Well, I knew I wanted to go toward the right in the building in general, so I went right instead, found an empty row, took that, and dashed out. We were probably out before most people left their seats because we went the other direction. What is with that crowd mentality? Why is it so hard to go against the current? Not only physically (such as in an arena with thousands), but in life in general. Most people are more than willing to go along with what everyone else seems to be doing: whether its lifestyle, or parenting or hobbies, or whatever. You just see groups of people all doing the same thing like a bunch of lemmings. What is wrong with doing things your own way? Is the pressure external or internal? Some people might be coerced into doing something, while others just want to please someone else and do it? I don't know. But when it comes to something like safety, why do we still think we can get away with doing it the way everyone else is, even if they are hurting or risking themselves or someone else? I just don't get it.

Well this post was scattered. A random jumble of thoughts.

I'm going to start reading "Appreciating Aspergers" and talking about it chapter by chapter, how it is true (or not) in my life. I hope I can get on this soon, I have a hard time reading, so I hope the chapters make for a short read. Thanks for reading!

Change & My Brain

Again, I have to apologize, I'm stealing a post from someone else.

Often times in this journey, I have not known what to write, and then I run across something that fits me perfectly, and I didn't even know it did.

This was a very detailed description of processing change. This is likely why people with Aspergers/Autism are upset by changes. To me, even small changes are big changes, so keep that in mind. Enjoy this referral today! Thanks to Inner Aspie for a great post!

http://inneraspie.blogspot.com/2012/10/change-how-my-brain-processes-it.html

Saw It, Loved It, Reposting It: Sensory Processing & 90% Cure Part 2

Today I saw this VIA Karla's ASD Page on FB:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Karlas-ASD-Page/155369821204141

I loved it! Here it is:

The message posted with this photo is as follows:

"The three root causes of social communication differences in autistic people are directly impacted by said person’s ability to process sensory information. Both overall energy (need for down time or alone time) and real-time processing are affected when sensory processing skills are poor. 


It is absolutely ridiculous to think that teaching me social skills will help me in most social situation

s due to my severe sensory processing issues. I am lucky to process even some of what is said in most areas where there are more than 2 people gathered and talking.

It is mandatory that caregivers start to recognize some of the root causes of our social differences and to accommodate those versus forcing us into all these social skills classes.

Yes, if a person has no sensory processing issues and high abstraction abilities, it may help. The rest of us.... I think it hurts much more than it helps. Teach advocacy first!!! " - Karla's ASD Page


I was told when I was tested that I have high processing speed. However, I still require tons of alone time.  I have social anxieties because of bad past experiences (not distant past either, recent past too!). I can't process information well when there are other things going on around me. I DO take a long time to get to a point because I'm usually trying to figure out what I'm saying and how to say it.

The middle box struck me today. Just yesterday I had a disagreement about what is or isn't respectful with someone in a group I was admin in. There was a post that was, to my understanding, posted for the sole purpose of making fun of another person. Granted, the photo showed something that was not "normal" or "conventional", but the way that it was being shared with the purpose of teasing, making fun of and insulting another person was what bothered me. I felt the post was disrespectful. Top that off with a person who had just made it clear they wanted us (admins) to limit the invites to the group because we didn't want it to become a place where there was a lot of drama, and we all want respect for all members so we would all feel comfortable. We had done so good over election season, no political posts and arguements at all. It was great. However, this post had gone too far, and I simply started by saying that I hoped we wouldn't continue to post material like that. (Because if one person posts it, that opens the door to someone else posting something else, and someone else posting something else.. until someone goes too far.)

Anyway, it seemed, as the disagreement went on, that this other person and I had completely different understandings of the words "admin" and "respect". We did not share the SAME DEFINITIONS of these words. I am rather sure my definitions were the literal interpretations/definitions. The other person's definitions were definitely different, as it didn't appear making fun of someone fell under the category of disrespect.

See how this can create a problem? I wonder how many times in my life that I have taken a more literal meaning of a word or method or whatnot, and gotten into disagreements with others over certain topics because their meaning was completely generalized, or broken down to mean something else. I DO NOT see things the way other people do. I know that already. But I had never before broken it down into the fact that I literally take different meanings to words or ideas.

And now knowing this, how on earth do I explain it to another person? Am I going to have to walk around as a human dictionary, telling people my definition of words simply to avoid disagreement? It is a rather mind blowing idea, that my DEFINITIONS are so different that they are causing disagreement. This is rocking my world, in a good way.

This goes along with my post Diagnosis Is 90% Of The Cure. Each time I learn something else about Aspergers, I learn something else about myself, which gives me more tools and information about how to deal with the struggles I face DAILY in my life. It gives me a MORE EMPATHETIC view toward other people who have disagreed with me in the past, and it almost makes me more tolerant of those views simply because I can understand a difference in definition, for example!

Anyway, it rocks my world. And to have this post the day after the event I described is like such perfect timing that I know this journey that I am on is meant to be. I am going in the right direction, with purpose, for the first time in my life. I've never been more grateful for diagnosis.

Aspie Writers And "Reading My Mind"

I don't consider myself to be a very good writer. Even in online conversation, I rarely feel as if I have said what I want to say, how I want to say it, and in a way that gets the reader to really know and understand what I'm saying. The reason I feel this way is because typically, people do NOT understand what I have written, and they usually take it to mean things it doesn't mean. Typically my words are said to be "judgemental" or "rude". It's not that I set out to "tell someone off" or anything. So anyway, cutting that short, I don't feel I am a very good writer.

Therefore, I love reading other posts by more talented Aspie writers. They sometimes can get right to the heart of some aspect of Aspergers, without knowing me, without saying the wrong thing. It is amazing.

Today I am sharing another link. Again, I feel like the author has read my mind. This is exactly what I deal with. The reason I can't go without the internet. I need that ability to look up exactly what I need to know. It happens a lot. One example is with movies: I typically never watch a movie I haven't seen before without needing to look up some actor or actress in it. Last night I watched "Mansfield Park". I knew I recognized an actress in there, and of course, after googling, I saw, hey, ok! It's Miss Honey from Matilda. 

Anyway, it's not just that it's everything. If someone presents an opposing viewpoint to one I have (and it isn't a topic I've already researched) you can bet I'm googling. I usually don't take a person's word for it, I google. I read up on it. A lot more often, I compare a thought to my Faith, and I'm finding out more about my Faith through things that people would think are unrelated than anything.

Anyhow, here's the post link. Thank you Inner Aspie!

http://inneraspie.blogspot.com/2012/11/my-never-quiet-mind.html

Overwhelming Exhaustion

I haven't posted in a while again. I've not been feeling great, on top of exhausted! I am so tired, all the time. Virtually want to do absolutely nothing, which is hard with an extremely active almost 6 year old!

I'm trying to budget things out this month, and it's not looking great. We have B's birthday party the first weekend of December, and though I'm looking forward to it, the gas money and room money and present money is going to be a mystery. I'm trying to pay everything as soon as possible to be "ahead" and just focus on that stuff end of month, but we will see how it goes. I know my Lord always provides.

So, I'm sorry for the lack of posting, and the lack of quality Aspergers posting. :P 

Feeling Sick, Sensitivities, Feelings

Now, I know this is probably the only place I haven't made this announcement: I'm pregnant.

With my son, I consider the pregnancy the most perfect pregnancy ever. I wasn't sick, I felt great the entire time, and everything was perfect, just the way I imagined it to be.

And as the years went by (my son will be 6 the end of the month), I kept saying to myself I would probably pay with any other pregnancies. Especially if I actually got my girl, which is what I do want (and honestly, I already feel like it IS a girl). My mom was sick with me and my sister, but not so much with my brother, so I figured that was a sign.

This pregnancy, I am about 6 weeks in, and I am not feeling good. I wouldn't describe it as the nightmare of morning sickness with vomiting that everyone seems to have, but its a naggy, icky stomach. 

I don't know if this is the same for people with Aspergers or not, but I am a miserable sick person. It really makes no difference if I am throwing up, or if I just have an upset stomach, I probably react about the same. It is disabling. Everything bothers me. I am more cranky, I am hungry, but don't know what to eat (or what I should or can eat).... This isn't just from this pregnancy, I get motion sickness/car sickness, and this feels just about the same as that, and that makes me feel the same: cranky, hungry but don't know what to eat, and almost disabling. I can't do chores, I can't function normally as I would. I haven't done any homework with my son all week, and I feel bad; I really haven't done much with him at all. He is so great, independent, tolerates me just sitting there saying "yeah, ok, yeah, ok...". I felt much better yesterday, but today I am back to a bit sensitive stomach again. I'm pretty much down to cereal, bread with cheese, tortilla with cheese, applesauce/apples, yogurt (a recent discovery), fortune cookies... you know, bland food. 

I am simply a miserable sick person! It is like my physical symptoms of illness turns my head off as well. I am not interested in doing a whole lot of anything, and I'd like to sleep, but I don't really want to sleep all day leaving my son all alone all day long, that just isn't fair. So I just kinda mope around here.

I really hope that this is not going to last long. I mean, even if it lasts 3 months, that really isn't long, but it seems like an eternity on this side. 6 more weeks? Really? What am I going to do to function for 6 more weeks?

I think a part of it is sleep too. The night before last I got a TON of sleep, for whatever reason we went to bed around 8:30. So maybe its all sleep related, and maybe if I did allow myself a little nap, I would feel better. But I just haven't been able to do it.

As if my senses weren't already magnified, now they are even more so. Smell was not my friend with the pregnancy of my son, so I am not surprised that it isn't this time either.

Anyway, maybe I'm just complaning. Or maybe there are some other Aspiegirls out there who have had similar pregnancy experiences with the misery of what really shouldn't be miserable at all. Am I alone here? I think not...

Diagnosis is 90% of the Cure

Before I even start this post I want to be clear: I am among a large group of Autism Spectrum people who DO NOT BELIEVE Autism needs to be cured. Just want to make that clear (based on the title, it could appear otherwise).

When I say "cure", I simply mean "manageable" or "less stressful".

This weekend I went to women's retreat. This is an entire weekend, Friday night thru Sunday afternoon, where there are usually close to 400 of us women in one resort. We have a lot of seminar/meetings, meals together, more classes, more meetings. Usually it amounts to 4 large whole group meetings, and 2 smaller divided times for 4 different presentations, as well as 4 meal times as a group.

The only problem with this is that there is very little down time. Between the large groups, the small groups, there is almost literally no time at all to be by yourself, unless you skip a class. And for me, I go for the meetings, so I am very hesitant to skip one at all, and in addition, it is in the fall, in MINNESOTA (who scheduled this at this time of year!?) so its COLD, and not a whole lot of fun to be anywhere but inside anyway. This year it even snowed, which made it worse for me. 

This is only the second time I have gone to women's retreat. Last year I felt as if I wanted to smack people in the face. Not because they were doing anything wrong, specifically, but because I was internally so empty, I had nothing left. My bucket empties when I'm with people, and it only refills with time alone to do what I want, and again, no time to refill the bucket. 

This year was different. Now I KNOW what I'm dealing with. I KNOW why I feel that way. I KNOW my tendency to be overwhelmed and empty. I did manage to sneak away after a couple of the meetings. After the Friday night meeting, I went out behind a tree by the lake. It was my favorite kind of tree - a weeping willow. As I stood under there, I could breathe. I thought about sitting down on the ground (it had not snowed) and when I did, apparently I spooked a beaver about 5 feet out into the lake, who smacked his tail a few times, and scared ME! I took some pictures and just relaxed a while. 

By the end of the weekend, I think I was overreacting a little over text to my poor husband, (but really, asking 800 times this weekend if I was coming home yet IS kinda annoying), but I was at least able to say that this is normal for me. I will be just fine. It isn't that people are trying to be rude or mean, I'm just overwhelmed, exhausted, and my bucket is empty! All I had to do was be patient with myself, knowing that its just a few hours until I would leave and have the car to myself all the way home. AH! :)

And I had a quiet ride back. 

I did have some people I followed back at least part of the way (luckily, the part that it was snowing the most). So that was nice, at least I knew if I went in the ditch I would have someone right there. lol

I could have ridden with them, and saved the gas money. But I honestly NEED that time in the car alone. If I didn't have that, I wouldn't have anything when I got home to a husband and son who missed me very much! I also got lucky and got home while hubby was loading the truck (with son with him) so I got to unload the car, unpack and get "organized" after getting home, as well as sit and watch part of a movie, all before they got home. So that was nice, and helped my bucket to be extra full for my son and hubby. :) So it ended up being a good relaxing evening. We even went to bed SUPER early (I did not see the clock read 8 PM last night, which is UNHEARD of, even though I could have found a lot to read or play on my phone!)

So, as the title implies, KNOWING is 90% of my "cure". KNOWING that I have Aspergers, the social limitations that go along with that, and the needs I have being the person that I am, it makes life a lot more enjoyable and easy to deal with. I know MUCH more about who I am, and why I feel the way I do sometimes. I wished that every person could find out for sure, could know for sure. I wish that 100% of people knew more about Autism Spectrum (as well as many many other conditions/personalities/diseases/handicaps/etc) so that instead of being afraid of the different, we can understand each other better, and understand each other's needs, and be more able to provide for others the things they need in their life and their situation. KNOWLEDGE = "CURE"

Insult

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/my-life-aspergers/200811/are-aspergians-really-rude-and-inconsiderate

Read the post linked above. THEN read my post.

I know there is a lot of confusion. People are quick to get offended. People are quick to blame the other person for the fact that they are offended. It's almost to the point where I think some people actually ENJOY feeling angry and insulted or something. 

Some might argue that being offended to words that someone else said is justifiable. I argue that unless you know for a fact that the other person's intentions were to insult, you have no right to insinuate anything negative, and your feelings of insult aren't anyone else's problem.

I feel that there is a much larger majority of people who have Aspergers or spectrum. Therefore, it is of great likelihood that a person will run across someone who is undiagnosed, and therefore completely unaware that they have differences in thinking and processing information. So when they say something you consider rude, you have no knowledge to go on that they aren't being rude on purpose. You have two options:

A: Feel insulted, lashing out, plotting some form of revenge, and responding with the best offense you can to let this person know they purposely (in your mind) insulted you in some way, and that its unacceptable.

B: Stop and think. Is this person intending to insult me? Maybe ask them "Did you mean...?" Or simply to assume the best and move along with conversation. Or even walk away.

With Aspergers and in my personal experience, I've gone on with the conversation, without a single roadbump. I haven't noticed your facial expressions of frustration or insult. Just waiting for the next conversation or something. Typically, just to add, I'm feeling uncomfortable in the silence. Am I supposed to say something? So I might try to move on to another topic since you are being weirdly quiet. Of course this makes me seem even more rude because I am ignoring your "obvious" emotional distress of insult. 

You tell me which sounds like the better choice; A or B? Most people would logically choose B, because it is rude to be mean, to lash out, to plot revenge, to tear someone a "new one". However, when actually faced with the situation, its like all logic goes out the window. Feeling insulted is an emotion, and logic and emotion are in two separate areas of the brain. Emotion is fight or flight, and there are far too many people who are interested in the fight. It seems as if they enjoy staying and fighting it out, rather than just walking away until they can give themselves time to get out of emotion and back into the logical. 

"Of COURSE that person wasn't trying to insult me. Logically, I can see where they were just ..... or ......"

Even for me, if I read something, and I wait overnight, I can logic my way out of frustration over it. If I can do it, NT's can do it too. So it shouldn't be the responsibility of the Aspie to share their thinking processes with the world, if they do not want to. It should be the responsibility of every person to behave in a respectful manner, even when encountering vile, insulting person. "Kill them with kindness". "You'' catch more flies with honey than with vinegar". "Do unto others...".

The reason that an Aspie might say something that could be interpreted as insulting? Because we don't play those little games. We don't sit around thinking about how to insult people, and honestly, I don't sit around thinking about all the ways that people insult other people so that I can plot what kind of meanness to spread just because I can "use Aspergers as an excuse". What kind of dishonest person would do that? "I have Aspergers, so I can say whatever I want and get away with it! HA! I'm gonna go find someone to insult and blame it on Aspergers."

That's not what I'm saying. That isn't how my brain works. 

READ this link!!!

http://www.adhdattorney.org/?p=621

"Another main characteristic is that these socially uninhibited children will say exactly what’s on their minds, without regard to social implications. They might find humor in things the average person won’t, or might be very literal and not find the humor in a subtle witticism that all their peers are laughing at. They just might not “get” a very obvious joke. They are often mistaken for impolite or rude. There are painful social implications for these children."

"He notes the Asperger child’s different perception of the world around them and their own unique way of experiencing sensory events. He points out their strong need “to seek knowledge, truth and perfection,” but they just do it differently than more typical children. To them, the solving of the problem is more important than what others might think about them: They see details, as opposed to the whole."

The truth is more important than whether or not you're insulted by the truth. I won't know you will be or are insulted by it. I just know a truth, and if you don't like it, or don't agree with that truth, that's fine. Just don't blame me for the fact that you feel insulted. 

It is painful to have people get insulted at a lot of things you say. It is almost as if you are being told you shouldn't talk because what you say offends everyone. Almost as if you are being told "it doesn't matter what your opinion or truth is, if it offends me I don't want to hear it". 

No wonder web searches and browsers are only giving you search and ad information related to your previous interests, posts, or searches. Because people honestly only want to hear things that agrees with their thinking. They don't want to break out of the box and remain logical, sensible and calm. They want to only hear that people agree with them, and they want to smack down with anyone who doesn't. 

The next time you encounter a rude person, step out of your box of comfort for a minute. Either ask for clarification, or start telling yourself that they didn't mean it that way (even if you think they did). This is as much for your benefit as it is for the other person. You avoid an arguement, and you are on your way to tolerance, which we ALL could use a dose of.

This is election season. Everyone needs to hear the message that most people do not intend to insult (most of the time). Especially now, with the elections, everyone is more and more polarizing every time. This is causing division everywhere, from workplaces to families. 

So, I ask you simply, just stop being so offended all the time, and especially stop blaming someone else for it. Who cares if they think you are a selfish rude snob (an example of something I would NEVER SAY, let alone imply!). That's their (wrong) opinion. Let them have it, and move on, instead of getting all insulted and lashing out in return. EVEN WHEN INSULTED, treat others the way you want to be treated.

Teachers & Aspergers

Not one of my teachers ever indicated, understood or tried to figure out why I was so different from other kids. I loved my teachers (with some, literally, I LOVED them, LIVED for them and some days I went to school ONLY because they were there.) But none of them had a freaking clue. I'm sure that they all felt I was different. I'm sure they all thought I was weird, unique, special, smart, talented, peculiar, strange, or even flat out insane. 

It really isn't their fault. Though Hans Asperger first noticed qualities of the disorder (or, I prefer to say REorder) in 1944, even in the 1990's it wasn't common knowledge. In 1992, it was known by psychologists, but I'm going to guess that most of the knowledge about it at that point was almost limited to those experts, and one may have only found out about their diagnosis by seeing a psychologist. For many children, like myself, they just viewed themselves as odd, different and their own person, and not necessarily someone needing to be evaluated. Again, it wasn't common knowledge that these disorders existed, so there was no real provocation to seek professional help or diagnosis. 

"Aspergers and Girls" says
"Any time there is the combination of social immaturity, perservative interests, lack of eye contact, poor handwriting, poor gross motor coordination, repetitive behaviors, isolation or teasing by peers, falling grades, and being viewed as "odd" by teachers and peers, Asperger's Syndrome should be investigated."

Unfortunately, this book was published in 2006, far too late for me, or anyone like me, in the 80s or 90s, and quite possibly the early 2000s. 

I appreciate all of the teachers who took time out of their lives to make me feel comfortable and special. I appreciate the time that they took to protect me under certain circumstances, and to give me literal hiding places when I was overwhelmed, abused or bullied. This happened A LOT. So, I am grateful.

Though this disorder was not well understood back then, there is almost no excuse today. If you are involved in the lives of children in any aspect, you should at least have a general idea of the signs or symptoms of Aspergers and other disorders (sensory or otherwise). It might not help you get the child diagnosed or into special therapies however. Some parents do not want to hear these things about their kids, or already had feelings their child was different and just aren't able to face it. However, it can give an educator a very important awareness of children's differences, and ways to manage, deal with and guide children who are different. 

If you are an educator, it doesn't take a semester in higher education to learn about the disorder. Pick up a couple books on the topic. Read materials online. It is really not rocket science. Just knowing can save a life. I know sometimes I felt as if my friendship with and for my teachers saved mine. It is CRITICAL that teachers, who are the ones interacting with their students for 6-8+ hours a day, become aware of the differences in personalities, thinking processes, and behaviors associated with a true Asperger or Autism Spectrum Disorder.

This isn't something that should start in the big city schools and eventually in 20 years be in the rural schools. We need it in ALL schools, NOW. We need all teachers and faculty to be able to notice these differences, and do something about it. I know teachers are capable of this, because they wouldn't be teaching if they didn't care about kids. (They sure aren't in it for the money!)

So, educators; get educated.

Two books I have read, and can be a simple, quick and easy introduction to Aspergers specifically:
The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome - Tony Attwood

Aspergers & Girls - Various Authors

Well, It Finally Happened....

Well, I honestly didn't think this would ever happen.

I won't go into all the details, but my 5 (almost 6) year old son tried to joke with me today, with NO indication he was joking. No facial expressions, no smiles, no laughs, no "I'm just kidding mom...", nothing. He just started in on some story, and I got upset because it could have been a safety issue. 

But he was joking. Again, he gave me no indication of jokes. Now, I come from a family of jokesters, and I'm married to a jokester (who makes it very clear when he's joking, especially if I don't act like I know that).

But I had no clue. I thought we knew each other pretty well, that what we have works, and that I got what he said and he got what I say. But I guess it was bound to happen eventually.

I tried to explain to him I sometimes don't get joking or kidding around. He has to be clear, he has to tell me when hes joking, or laugh or smile or something to let me know he's kidding.

So frustrating. I don't want to do this with my own kid, especially the part about getting upset at him for no reason.

Sign This For Me

http://www.change.org/petitions/fairview-range-regional-health-services-hibbing-mn-create-a-position-for-an-ibclc?utm_campaign=new_signature&utm_medium=email&utm_source=signature_receipt#

Please sign this for me. This is a need and every woman should have access to someone who can help them in the best interest of their baby and their breastfeeding experience!

http://americas.iblce.org/what-is-an-ibclc

Play

Play is an odd thing to me. It's some kind of back and forth pretend game with no rules. Aspergers, of course, doesn't know the rules to NORMAL social interaction, so the rules to play are absolutly baffling. 

Tony Attwood says in "Aspergers and Girls": "They often lack reciprocity in their natural social play and can be too controlling when playing with their peers. This is illustrated in Liane Holliday-Willey's autobiography.
The fun came from setting up and arranging things. Maybe this desire to organize thigns rather than play with things is the reason I never had a great interest in my peers. They always wanted to use the things I had so carefully arranged. They would want to rearrange and redo. They did not let me control the environment.
"

I find this to be exactly how I remember being as a child. I took GREAT pleasure out of organizing all of Barbie's things. When we finally got a "closet/box" for Barbie, all I did was organize things. It disturbed me greatly when pieces (ie: a shoe) was missing, because then the set wasn't complete. I do remember playing scenes and stuff, but honestly, I would rather set up and organize. 

I am still this way. My son is very interactive. He loves to be interacted with, played with. When it comes to legos, I can spend long long hours doing what I did with legos as a child: organizing, separating, building. But when it comes to acting out a play scene, I'm overwhelmed and clueless. Then of course I feel extremely guilty for not wanting to play with my son, for not knowing how, for not feeling comfortable, and for not being "able" to let go of my own selfish feelings (yes, I feel they are selfish feelings) to set that all aside to make my son happy. 

I have played with him, don't get me wrong. And he doesn't seem to mind at all that I organize and build with his legos instead of playing. A recent lego time ended up being 12 hours in 2 days of constant organizing and building. If a piece is missing, I'm extremely frustrated, and I hesitate to use another similar sized piece in another color, because that's not the piece that belongs there. It is frustrating to me, beating myself up inside because I can't seem to move beyond that. 

Board games I can do. Board games have definite rules. There isn't a lot of creativity required. Games like charades I hate because you have to do a lot of imaginative thinking, and the spotlight is on you when you are acting out a word. I don't like that very much. But a board game with rules is something I can get behind. 

We have played a lot of board games. Brody likes that. Sometimes though he gets upset to lose, even though in Candy Land you lose and win in one card's draw, so it goes back and forth. Eventually he wants to play pretend walking around the board. Or with The Game of Life, he likes to drive the cars around the board playing after we've played a game. (He probably wouldn't play the game for real if I didn't insist on it, honestly.)

So anyway, I have a lot of frustration over this. I have noticed my son prefers the company of someone who will play with him, which hurts a little. Some people might think that I'm simply being selfish, or that I'm an aloof parent, or disconnected, or something. Honestly, I DO WANT to play with him. I just do not have the slightest idea what he wants from me. If I can get him to direct me in what he wants me to do, thats ok. But most of the time it ends up him wanting me to do some pretend stuff, and I find that hard. Most of the time he does the talking which is nice. He is an extremely talkative boy, always talking, always in motion. So I think I give myself too hard of a time over this. Sometimes he just wants me to be there saying "Yup, Uh Huh, Yup, Okay...". Which IS better than nothing. 

Can you imagine not being able to play with your child? I mean, imagine the feeling you have not being able to play with your child because you are sick. And remember, you know being sick is temporary, and when you are feeling better you can go back to normal.
For me, it is like I'm "sick" all the time. I try to avoid it. I try to do something else, like housework, or blogging, or reading. 

But I can't help the nagging in my heart that I should do more. I know my son knows I love him. In all other aspects, I am emotionally and physically loving, connected and fulfill his needs and snuggling and all of that. I know that is probably more than some Aspies are capable of. I remember pre-diagnosis I was told I couldn't have Aspergers because I do express love and affection. I feel love and affection very deeply, yet it is a very selected thing. I have always had a deep bond with children and animals, and definitely I allow my parents to be "human" despite all the reasons a person COULD be mad at them, I obviously have an unstoppable bond to them. My husband is absolutly adored and I cannot live without his closeness and affection. I crave it almost all the time. My brother is almost like a child to me (I was 11 when he was born, and from both my love for him and my already strong bond with children I feel at times I was a mother to him as much as our mother was - a responsibility I choose/took, NOT one that was forced upon me.)

But I DO have Aspergers. I DO have difficulties with social issues and relational issues in all of the above persons. Now try adding people I don't have a close affection for, and sometimes the waters get a bit murky. I have a hard time with other family members. I have a hard time with people who SHOULD be bonded to me, but do not act like it. I have problems with people I thought were better when I was a child, and have "let me down" as I realize their "humanness" (I know I made that word up). I have problems with people who do not seem to understand my need for space and autonomy. I have trouble with people who "play games" with relationships, cause drama, give the cold shoulder, etc. I have HUGE problems with people who blame others, when the OBVIOUS cause of their problems is themselves. Don't get me wrong, I probably do some of these things to others without realizing it. When I'm emotional sometimes I just don't realize the hypocriticalness ... Maybe that's why other people do it too. 

Anyway. Play. I have a lot of frustrating surrounding this inability of mine. It's not that I have "forgotten" to play, but rather that I honestly don't think I ever knew how.

Crab Apple Jelly

Today I tried (for the 2nd time) to make crab apple jelly.

The first time I didn't have any real way to strain it or drain it, so it ended up all screwed up. It's ok, I have MORE than enough crab apples to screw things up with. 

Today went much better. :) I've got 8 small jars all done. It is a time consuming process. It is a labor intensive process. And no matter how many I make at a time, it doesn't seem to make much of a dent in the apples I have. So, I know that it is going to take a long long time to get this all to work. ;)

The last batch I did based on a youtube video. It worked just fine, and so far 5 of the 6 have self sealed. They are more liquid looking than I had hoped, maybe I didnt boil them long enough, or maybe I do need to add some pectin. I didn't add any pectin in the first test batch, and it turned out just fine (so it appears - it is much thicker in the jars)

Anyway, it is hard to do this. There are so many apples, I am easily overwhelmed by how large a project this really is. I'm glad for the "shortcuts" but I just hope all the shortcutting actually does make good jelly. My overwhelmed self wants to just cook them all at once and get it over with, and yet, I know I cant really get a good result that way (besides it would take longer than the day is long).

Patience. I don't have a lot of it.

Energy

 From Karla's ASD Page on Facebook:

Diet, Breakfast, and Taking a Risk

I'm taking a risk posting this, because its not really anything to do with Aspergers, except for this; I have some strong beliefs. I make decisions about things and I am very hard to move on those things. This is one of those things. Diet is a huge thing for everyone and we don't even realize how badly we are screwing it up! I posted this on another blog of mine, and so I'm reposting.

hey you, yes, YOU. look at your breakfast. look at it again. doesn't it look a bit small to you?

sure, you're trying to lose weight. you're trying to get healthier. maybe you are even *gasp* dieting!

look at your breakfast. the answer could be in your breakfast.

breakfast is just that: breaking a fast. and the #1 reason we go looking for food is because we didn't eat enough of it when we broke our fast. i mean, people call it the most important meal of the day, and we eat the least amount of food ? that doesn't make sense!

I've got some knowledge about "switching" the way we eat. basically, if you eat more in the morning, (like a dinner sized serving) you will have more energy throughout the day because you are running on a full tank. eat a "normal" lunch and a "breakfast sized" supper. this way the majority of your calories are in the beginning of your day when they will be needed to run your body all day, instead of at the end where they are just going to be sitting in your stomach or intestines all night long. 

don't get me wrong though, i STILL fall into the "normal habit" of having more at supper and the regular bowl of cereal in the morning. i don't know why, but its just the way we do things in this country or something. but OBVIOUSLY, the way we do things in this country isn't working, so why not try the OPPOSITE of that? 

a good addition to breakfast? oatmeal. that stuff is a POWERHOUSE food. but of course you know that. ;)

try this out:

http://www.chiphealth.com/health_topics/podcasts/3ABN_MP3/CH011810-26min.mp3

now, yes, its based on Christian radio. i wouldn't call it a sermon or anything.

but this guy has got the best information on health and diet that i have ever heard. he can seem a bit "radical" because the things he teaches is so different from what is said in this country. (remember, money talks, and industry and bad health has money, theres no money in having good health!)

but maybe, looking at the way things are in the country, we NEED to hear something different, something (again) OPPOSITE of what the lifestyle in this country is promoting. 

call me crazy, but if the lemmings are all swimming out to the ocean and drowning in their "american diets" maybe its time to change something drastically. 

seriously. take some time, i think its a half hour, at some point, and listen to this podcast. phenomenal.

Bayfield Apple Festival: Crowds, And Things So Pretty It Hurts

This weekend we went to Bayfield WI for the Apple Festival. It was really nice, although I have to say next year we will be going the week before, (not to mention going there in the spring instead of fall!) because the crowds were ... well, they were crowds. 
My husband made the comment that all he could see is me ahead of him zigging and zagging around. He apparently is the kind of person who will just walk in a straight line and wait for people to move. I'm apparently the kind of person who doesn't see the crowd of people when I'm in it, I see the space between. I see the opening, and I head for it. This is how I can walk RIGHT BY someone I know, and not have any idea that they are even there. So, if I have walked right by you in a crowd somewhere, tap me on the shoulder. I'm not ignoring you, I just honestly don't see you! ;)

This thought came out of nowhere for me. I think this is something I have definitely had happen to me all my life. INTENSITY of feeling. INTENSITY of beauty experienced. 
Apparently Bayfield is at peak fall colors. Now, I have had peak fall colors up here, and we have been other places (like the north shore of Lk Superior) for the fall. This year I spend over an hour on a half hour drive to and from work because of the colors up here. It was wonderful.

But we get to Bayfield, and its FULL of deciduous trees. Oaks. Maples. Different varieties of things from what we have here, and all in "full bloom". There is an iron bridge to walk over, and that area was amazing. After seeing the festival, we found the walking path UNDER that iron bridge, and let me tell you, it was AMAZING.

I could have lived there. I could have DIED there. It was SO BEAUTIFUL, SO INCREDIBLE, SO AMAZING, SO PERFECT, SO HEAVENLY, it HURT!!! It literally hurt me inside. It was all achy. I literally could have stayed there my whole life. I just can't believe how beautiful it was. I took all kinds of pictures, but still wasn't satisfied. It was cold, and my camera fingers were freezing. But I just wanted more. I'm not entirely satisfied with the pictures I got. It was just SO BEAUTIFUL. Is this an aspie thing? I mean, I have read so much talking about how we feel things more intensely than others sometimes. This might be one of those times. My son and hubby didn't seem as affected.. They were "leaving me behind".

I mean, as a "photographer", I know we all experience this. But this was above and beyond anything I have ever experienced. The whole place was GLOWING. I just can't get over it. If I could move right now, I would be in Bayfield tomorrow.

Can't You Take A Joke?

So, I'd like to mention a bit of a thing that's getting to me lately.

I think I'm a funny person. I like a joke. I enjoy a laugh!

However, if you are going to say something that's not obviously funny, it's likely I am not going to get it.

It's mostly the sarcasm/picking on  that I don't get.

So, if you were to say "It's ham sandwiches for lunch..." (knowing I don't eat ham of any kind...), I am not going to think that its a joke.
Until I realize it is NOT ham sandwiches. Then its like, "oh, missed that one...".

So. Be obvious...!

Invisible Differences

New Leaves Clinic

Like This Page · 17 hours ago 

I routinely teach kids/adults I see about the dangerousness of Invisible Differences. Teaching this concept explains: 1) Why adults have treated them poorly 2) Why they should still trust certain adults 3) The importance of learning to self-advocate.

ABSOLUTELY.

Aspies & Empathy: "Aspies Do Not Lack Empathy; We Crave It" - Aspiewriter

Once again, I'm posting another blog post by Aspiewriter!
There's a reason she's a writer. She's got the words. Some of the things she has written lately, I just can't help reposting because she is saying things I have not been able to articulate, or haven't realized what exactly is going on.

In this post, she talks about empathy. As I read it, I realized that the reason that I prefer to work by myself is probably because I'm taking in all the emotions around me, and not only is that very confusing, but it is very stressful. If my coworker is stressed, I feel stressed. This makes me unable to work as effectively as I would like, and it has driven me crazy all summer that I can't understand why I feel so odd. It could be a perfectly fine day, and all of a sudden I feel completely overwhelmed. There's too many emotions around me!

But at the same time, as she says, I disconnect from the "big picture" things. 9-11 doesn't really register on my radar, because I didn't know anyone who died. What I DO know is that everyone around me was completely stressed, devastated, scared and overwhelmed by the situation, and since I didn't understand it, I didn't understand their emotions, but I felt them and it was one of the most overwhelming things I have ever experienced. They felt all those things directly, but to me, they were strangers, I didn't understand the political perspective (I categorized it under "accident" for quite a few hours), and I knew no one who was involved or died (until a few hours or days later when my mom told me my uncle was in the pentagon... but he was fine.).

Anyway, I'm getting off track. Here is the link to her post, because it is just awesome.

http://www.aspiewriter.com/2012/09/aspies-crave-do-not-lack-empathy-we.html

SERIOUSLY: Why Can't You Just Say "Hi"?

Today I am once again going to refer you to another post.
This post today might as well have been written by myself. But, I'm not a writer, and therefore, I'm referring you elsewhere. ;)
READ IT. Then internalize it for a moment. It IS quite ridiculous that you ask someone a question that you don't honestly want the answer to, isn't it?

http://www.aspiewriter.com/2012/09/why-you-should-never-ask-aspie-how-are.html

Just a little fun...

A. Age: almost 30

B. Bed size: Queen. its nice and all but.... i wish we had room for a king!

C. Chore that you hate: i really hate bathrooms. and mopping. i would rather get on my hands and knees with a rag...

D. Dogs: 1 big outside dog, 2 cats

E. Essential start to your day: boy, i would like to get to bed early enough that i dont get woken up by hearing "MOM, im STARVING" LOL

F. Favorite color: blue. blue. blue.

G. Gold or Silver: silver

H. Height: 5 feet, 5 inches

I. Instruments you play: flute, oboe, saxophone, trumpet, french horn, dabbled in clarinet, violin, piano...took guitar lessons, and i "can play" but its been a long long time... and now its moved because we moved things to prepare for moving.... ugh.

J. Job title: God's child, wife, mother, friend... oh wait, you wanted actual jobs? LOL. housekeeping

K. Kids: Brody

L. Live: MN. and no, not everyone in MN is MN nice...

M. Mother’s name: Jutta. HA! so THERE!

N. Nickname: Missy (dad), Mommy (Brody), Honey (Hubby)

O. Overnight hospital stays: just Brody's birth!

P. Pet peeves: dramatic people, people who change the "rules" on me, 2 faced

Q. Quote from a movie: 

R. Right or left handed: right. but i can do an aweful lot with my left, thanks to recent tendonitis in the right thumb.... lol

S. Siblings: 1 sis 2ish years younger, 1 bro 11 years younger

T. Time it takes you to get ready: i can be ready in a half hour - 45 minutes. add brody? over an hour...

U. Ultimate Vacation:  Ireland or austrailia

V. Vegetable you hate: ummm.... onion? i mean, on its own. IN something i dont care (anymore... LOL)

W. What makes you run late: forgetting things

X. X-Rays you’ve had: teeth (who hasnt?), and in the past 6 months my foot and lungs.

Y. Yummy food that you make: lasagna (or other misc pasta dishes), pizza

Z. Zoo animal: giraffes, any cats,