POST REFERRAL: Outside the Bubble

I have always felt like an outsider. Never in my life to date have I ever really felt as if I fit in with other people. The closest I can come is with my church because at least we have that common core moral belief. Even then, however, I am outside all of them because of many various different things.

This post is kinda about that. 

My first year of college was pretty nice, and I had a solid group of friends I hung out with. We had little in common, but I thought they were cool people and they accepted me, so we were friends. However many times there were just things that I "went along with" even though I thought they were stupid - like watching a certain show every day, even though it was dinner time (and I was starving LOL). I once said something to one of the guys about it, and I was told that it was ME that was keeping MYSELF on the outside. That I CHOSE to be an outsider. That they accepted me anyway, but I was the one who gave them the feeling that I wanted to stay out there.
Maybe I did. At the time I was mystified, but today, reading posts like this, I know I am on the outside, and I always will be.


http://myaspiewife.wordpress.com/2013/05/26/outside-the-bubble/

Sunshine & Positive Emotion

My mood has been much improved lately. Spring has finally decided to arrive for real, so it has been sunny, warmer and my windows have been open during the day! We haven't really had to run the furnace for several weeks, with the exception of a few mornings.

People seem to think I'm just overly dramatic when I say I can't stand the long dreary winter. They seem to think that I choose to feel awful, that somehow I could just choose to accept it and get over my issues. These comments usually always hurt. Do they really think I want to feel that way?

And every year, I remember that it is a really quick switch between feeling good and feeling bad. If the weather is good, I feel good. If it is bad, I feel bad. Some people might enjoy the darkness of winter, the dreariness, the lack of color. I can find a short period of this weather can be pretty and interesting, photographically at least. But personally, I feel like all the life and energy has been sufficiently sucked right out of me when the colors out the window are all of one shade/palette. I'm sorry, gray white and black is not good enough for me.

I've always been the kind of person who thought families should be close, both in distance and in relationship. However, I'm starting to think that, if given the opportunity, I would move farther away, if only for the sake of my mental health. No, I don't think moving would make my whole world perfect, but I'm starting to see the benefit in living somewhere that winter isn't holding me captive for 6+ months out of the year. SAD is a real disorder, a real set of feelings, a real state of being. I survive it, but it severely affects my feelings starting near the end of summer through snow flying. I get anxious, restless, and nervous because I know what's coming. The worst part is not knowing when it will end. While the general feeling nation wide is that spring begins in March, some years spring doesn't even begin to touch our area until mid-May. We still had frozen solid lakes on fishing opener (typically the same weekend as Mother's Day). Though that doesn't happen every year, it isn't unusual or rare. Think about it: No shorts, tshirts, open windows, warm sunlight or breezes until nearly Memorial Day. 

Sunshine makes me feel good. I don't even have to actually be out IN the sunshine (I don't like sunburn, and I don't like applying sunscreen either). It just has to be sunny. That's all it takes. 

If you watch movies and tv, you'll notice they take advantage of this kind of thing in their production. Happy movies are colorful, bright and sunny. Suspenseful or scary movies are darker, more shades of gray and black, and take place at night, in the rain, or whatever. Even the happy movies usually have sad moments, and what do they do? They make it rain. Certain animated characters come in certain colors for a reason. Usually the good guys are light blues, calm browns, greens and whatnot. The enemies are dark reds, blacks, and that kind of thing. Look at Alladin. Jasmine in her pretty blue outfit, Jafar in his red and black. The Little Mermaid: Ariel has her purple and blue and happy red, Ursula has dark red and black.

It is so totally obvious. You watch movies now with that kind of viewpoint.

Then you tell me that somehow I'm supposed to choose to feel positive in a completely negative environment. Maybe you're better at reading those environments than I am, maybe you're better at ignoring the obvious connections. I seem to be more distinctly aware of them, and it directly affects me. I am not alone in this, I've talked to others who have the same feeling. Winter kills us, and through no choice of our own.

Aspergers & MY Kid

I am starting to think about the possibility of my son having some kind of Aspergers like traits. It is highly possible I suppose, they say there is some genetic predisposition. It could explain much of his behavior that we find frustrating. He is the definition of the "little professor" you hear mentioned when talking about kids with Aspergers. He knows EVERYTHING. Really, we have made him that way, when he asks a question, we give him the real answer. If he asks how a car works, daddy tells him, and we might even get him videos on it. At 2 1/2 he knew, and would tell you, how an engine works (in basic terms at least). Thank you Nix and Tix.

Anyway, dealing with that behavior and whatnot that comes with that has just begun to be more difficult, because he is questioning our rules and things like that more often than he used to. Or he would say things that basically amount to "but I am doing it this way and I think that way is better". LOL He is totally funny. However, it can get tiring. 

My OCD complicates this because, for example, when he's playing legos he is the "spread it out all over the living room floor because that's closer to where everyone else is" type. I'm the "keep it contained, out of the walkway, tiny pieces IN the container not on the floor" control type. I realize that this probably makes it no fun. I realize that it probably takes the fun out. But really, I don't want to find legos under the furniture, and in a few months or so, I do not want the baby finding them with her mouth, nor do I want to find them in the diaper later!

Anyway, I do know how to look at things from his point of view if Aspergers is what is really going on. I know how he feels when he goes through people not understanding him. I know how he feels when he just has to know the why and the how of things. I know his passion for learning about things is HUGE, and he just won't be satisfied until he's learned as much as humanly possible about it. The only struggle for me is to balance that out with the fact that kids get extremely overwhelmed with too much information, and I don't want him to get so much that he gets confused, or doesn't actually retain the information. I'm the kind of aspie who wants all the info at once too, so I tend to GIVE all the info at once. Sometimes he glazes over, and I know I gave him too much info. LOL

I'm just thinking about this more and more, and it seems like its showing itself more and more these days. I don't know if it's because of the unpredictability of our new baby coming, or if it's just that he is at a certain age where it becomes more apparent or what. One thing I know is that I'm glad he isn't in a public school right now, because kids like him end up being viewed as "troublemakers" - and that is no way to start off your schooling! Teaching him at home is going to be a very good decision!

Long Long Trip

So we just got back yesterday from a long, long trip.
A family member of my husband's had died, and since there aren't that many family members my husband cherishes, it meant an emotionally required trip to Indiana.

It was beautiful there. Warm. EVERYTHING was blooming. There are blooming trees everywhere down there. Where I live, if you want a blooming tree, you have to plant it yourself, and HOPE it grows. Most are just apples, and they grow slowly, and some don't do so well at all. We do not get variety and we don't get the "orchard" look, and we don't get the flowering trees up and down the highways and roadsides. It was breathtakingly beautiful. I loved it.

The trip there and back was long. The trip back was longer. We got into Michigan, and it got cold, and Saturday it even snowed where we were driving. It snowed  HARD. I'm talking big, huge, Christmas snowflakes. At least two inches of wet sloppy snow fell. We had to deal with it without winter coats, boots, hats or mittens because who on earth expects it to be 32 degrees and snowing in mid May, especially in Michigan (which is farther south from us in Minnesota).

But all in all it wasn't a terrible trip. We quite enjoyed ourselves, had time to be with the wife of the deceased, and just relaxed. This will be our only family trip this year, I guarantee it. So although it was stressful to have to borrow to do it, it was worth it I suppose, and it was nice to have this as a family before the baby comes and we become a little more tied down for a while. 

I am glad to be home, and I am glad for my family. I can be with them, and not be expected to talk or whatever. I can be in a bubble with them. They can be in their bubbles with me. Traveling is exhausting, being with family is exhausting, but my family recharges me. We had a good relaxing time together. That being said, we did have to have some time to ourselves once in a while too. I took some time after the boys were in bed sleeping and "organized" our luggage and whatnot, hubby got some time in the hot tub by himself at several of the hotels, and Brody had some time to just blow bubbles and relax.

Being on a trip does aggrivate my sensitivities, I am more sensitive as the trip goes on. By the time we were headed home, B was extremely overwhelmed by traveling and not being home. He missed his kitties. He missed his dog. He missed just being home. He missed his routine. He didn't really know how to express this, except he was pretty cranky sometimes. He would throw terrible fits on occassion (though rare, surprisingly). Usually it would happen at bedtime when it was time to leave the pool. I mean, those things would aggrivate the best kid, but he was terrible, even when we gave him time limits and warnings that it was almost time to be done.

I finally did get him to break down a few times. I'm impressed, because I've read about these kinds of emotional outbursts, but I have more trouble controlling MY reaction than dealing with his. When I can remain calm and help guide him into a place where he can tell me what is really going on, then we can get to the root of the problem. It isn't that he is mad about not buying something at the gas station, he is just tired, sick of traveling in the car, and missing home. It works. I don't know how I know, I just know. When you're a mom, you just know. 

Anyway, that is just a short blurb because I haven't posted in a while. Traveling is tough sometimes, but it was really a good experience, and I'm glad I could do this with my family. 

Helping You Out - Aspies Give Information

I am the kind of person who wants to help. There are several topics that I have spent a lot of time studying, researching, dedicating large portions of my time to, therefore I know a lot about them. There are other topics I know and care little for and don't know much about them.

When a friend has a problem, I take it seriously. I care about my friends. I feel my information could be helpful to them. Whether its a problem understanding something, or a problem doing something, if it lines up with one of those topics I know something about, I'm the kind of person who is excited about what I know, and I want you to know it too! I want you to get through whatever it is you're going through, and be happy, feel better, whatever.

So I share, or sometimes apparently overshare. It has come to my attention in the past couple of years that sometimes, dare I say even most of the time, people honestly do not want the information I have. This is heartbreaking for me in many ways.

 There is a huge bucketful of different feelings I have about these situations. 

First, I think there is a desperation. Often when I am trying to explain something to someone, the words don't come. I don't know which words to use, or how to explain what I am thinking in a way that not only expresses what I mean, but does it in a way that is not offensive. Aspergers makes many people speak very directly, and I have an extremely hard time finding ways to speak the way NT people do, in more indirect ways, so that they understand me without going overboard with feeling offensive or insulted. It is very hard for me to "play the game" of saying something indirectly so that my directness and bluntness isn't mistaken for insults. Most NT people do not realize how much "game playing" goes into conversation. For someone like me, (and I feel many Aspies are the same here), it is a disaster to have a conversation with a NT person. It ends up feeling like a lot of drama, and its utterly confusing. Why waste so much time saying 100 words when 50 does the job? Do people realize it? I don't think they do.

Of course, mixed with this is the second feeling: fear that they will take it as an insult. I have never in my life directly and specifically set out to offend someone with my information, but it has happened over and over in my life. Then of course, the person is so angry with me they won't listen to or believe me when I say that it wasn't my intent. I feel I was being rational, and presenting my information simply and in a straightforward way, all the while hoping they will not take it the wrong way. 

I have a lot of fear of this, but despite my fears, it does not stop me from offering information to others. My fear and feelings do not stop me from sharing what I think is right/appropriate/necessary (or whatever is appropriate per situation). There is a quote I have seen quite often that relates to this kind of situation that goes along the lines of "I care less about feelings than I do about the truth" and "I would rather tell the truth than worry about hurting someone's feelings". I think that is one of the characteristics of Aspergers.

 Again, it is very hard to "play the game" so that I don't come off as offensive, but at the same time I know that there is information to give for a situation and I feel it is important enough to share the information, therefore I somehow stop feeling the fear of saying it, even though it sometimes makes my words seem harsh. Still, I have learned to at least TRY to "play the game" in my 30 years of life, so I do try to make attempts to make my information clear and polite. Still, even as polite as I think I am being, I'm apparently proven myself wrong more often than not. It is mystifying.

Does any of that make any sense? 

That leads to another group of feelings, that of hesitation, confusion, and frustration at myself for not being clear enough. I can write and write and write on some topics forever. Usually these are the topics I am currently most interested in. I keep writing trying to explain and re-explain what I am trying to say, and I end up writing BOOKS of information down in the simple attempt to make sure that I am not confusing, or to make sure I am being clear enough to be understood. Sometimes I will present the same information in several different ways in an attempt to make sure I am being understood. However, after the fact I wonder if I have even made a dent in conversation because so many people see long posts and just say that there is no way they have the time to read all that! I am very good at separating my conversation into paragraphs that are shorter, because that is what helps me to be able to read long posts by others. Even for me, if a person just writes a long long paragraph, I have a hard time reading it. My eyes start jumping all over. So I am aware of those kinds of things, hoping my posts are easier to read than some, because I separate. I still know that I can go on too long about some topics, and I think that for the most part, at least I am not argued with, because the length is too much for people to care to read. Blessing or curse? I don't know.

Now I will get to the heartbreaking feelings. When someone rejects my information, especially when they have misunderstood what I have said, I am very upset and heartbroken. I feel disrespected. I feel as if they do not like me enough to accept my information. I feel as if they specifically reject me as a person. My information is a part of who I am. I have spent hours, months, and years on some topics. The information I have gathered is important to me, and especially with certain topics, I feel that the information is critical to either that person's well being, or the well being of someone else. It intensifies with the helplessness of the person. Some adults can be in seemingly hopeless situations, but with animals or babies, you'd better watch out because the intensity is sky high on helpless animals or babies! My information is pretty well researched, I wouldn't speak so strongly on them if it wasn't, and it is to my very core a part of who I am. Therefore, rejecting my information is like rejecting me as a person.

I want to give anyone reading this clarity on one thing however: I am not all or nothing (or at least I try not to be). You do not actually have to follow or agree with my information. That might come as a shock, I know. However, I know that the few times that people have said "Thank you!" or "That's fascinating information, I will look into that!", I have felt very respected and my information (and therefore myself) very validated. Again, even if my information is not followed, or even liked, simply responding this way helps me to feel heard. When my information is simply rejected, I do not feel heard.

As I am writing this, I realize that this is probably not limited to Aspies. I think that ALL people want to be validated and respected, don't they? Everyone wants someone to thank them for trying to help, even if its not the kind of help they want. I think it is more about having proper manners toward others than just learning how an Aspie thinks about things. Just like me, many people feel strongly about their information as well. So maybe its less that I'm an Aspie and feel X about people rejecting my information (which is tied to myself in my mind), but more about constantly running across people who have no manners or consideration for someone else.

Then I wonder how I manage to have that many friends that really can't be friends with me if they can't even be respectful and kind. Even without taking into consideration the idea that everyone wants their opinions respected, who I am as a person should be respected just as much as they expect me to respect them as well. Just because I don't express my information in the right ways does not mean I am less deserving of respect. How often I am belittled and "lectured" because I should "know better" than to say something like that! In my mind, I said it correctly, but apparently to the hearer I didn't.

I feel like I have blabbed a lot about this, and I have been getting distracted during this post, so ask for clarification I guess if anything is muddled. But I hope I am making some sense.