Friends & Family and the Confusion Therein

A song came on my spotify today that took me back a few years to when I would listen to a radio show of an acquaintance from college. They was working a radio show at my first year college radio station and the song I requested was "too pop 40" for the station, but they thought I would like that song, and I did. I liked many of the songs from that artist, and several others I became connected with because of that suggestion. He's a really hysterical guy, one of the people I figured were too cool for me almost the entire year, so I kept my distance because I wasn't possibly good enough. I barely got to know people before it was over. But I digress....

And somewhere along the line, that friend disappeared from my fb. My assumptions was they blocked me, and that it were that it was a liberal/conservative sort of thing. I'm getting better at not being rude about beliefs because so many people are so touchy about things. I don't remember having a specific conversation with them where we disagreed, or where I was specifically rude TO them, they just blocked me with no indication as to why.

Again just recently another acquaintance seems to have blocked me, again I can only assume that things I was sharing in jest of something must have pushed them over the edge? It bothers me because, again, there was no conversation, no arguement, just ... gone.

Why oh WHY do people do that? I mean, don't you know there is ANOTHER option, UNFOLLOWING someone? Why is BLOCKING someone the action of choice? Why is it that drastic? Some little thing that I post is that horrible that you just silently run from it by BLOCKING me altogether?

What on earth?! What did I do to you, directly, to make you do that anyway? Did you ever think of asking me, saying something, having a discussion?

It really shouldn't matter, should it. Really, if that is all it takes to want them out of my life completely, they weren't really friends anyway, right?

I'm not the kind of person who forgets people though. There's still a DJ I was friends with once that I wish I could at least hear what he's doing now. Again, it's for the best. But I still wonder, because I care about people. If you're in my life, it's because I WANT you there, not because I'm just adding someone to add them. I want the people I connect with to connect with me. Sadly that's rarely the case, I guess.

I also give people chances. I'm MUCH better at this than I ever used to be, but even years ago I was always too naive to ever think that anyone was doing or saying something specifically to be mean to me. I was the one who was making excuses for them. I still do that. "Maybe they are _____". or "Maybe they arent returning my messages because they haven't been on" or whatever. I try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, because if I were to "take a break" from connection, I wouldn't want people to think it was because I was purposely ignoring them.
But then, why does it go on, and on, and on, and weeks go by, and no response? Why does it go beyond my ability to make excuses for someone, until I can have almost no doubt they are ignoring me for a reason. WORSE, they have no conceivable reason to do so. Again and again I'm having to wonder, what did I ever do to you?

I've had family members (who to be honest we don't see very often) both completely ignore me even if I sat down right next to them and talked to them, AND when we see them they act all family to my face, but in normal circumstances they completely don't care one bit about me. My sister is apparently fine, and worth talking to, but me? I'm apparently a horrible person who they don't have time for. Again and again, what did I ever do to you?

I'm smart enough to realize that the problem isn't me, because I haven't done anything deserving to be treated that way. This is their problem. They are missing out by being bitter and mean and shutting people out. But I would still like to sit here and make excuses for their behaviors, justify it or explain it somehow, at least for myself. I want to try to believe anything except that they are actually that rude, mean and hurtful. But as time ticks by, either I get impatient, or they actually are that rude.

I keep trying to figure out why this happens to me. I keep trying, as I said, to justify their behavior toward me as something having nothing to do with me.

Every time I'm just as mystified as the last time. It doesn't make any sense, we didn't have any argument, or anything. Just, they were gone. I don't get that. I really don't. 

It's life, I guess. Will never have the explanations for it. It will drive me crazy until the day I die and probably longer.

In the end, I don't understand it because I am an honest person. And when I'm your friend, I'm really a friend. I'll support your stuff and share your talents and try to connect you with people I know you would like or something. I'm true blue. And I think that it's a real rejection when people drop me like trash, because I don't know how I could have gone wrong. I still have a lot to learn, but dropping me like trash won't teach me anything. At least fill me in so I can be more aware. I am still just a person and aspergers might make me less aware than I aught to be. Just tell me. Don't tell me and block me, tell me and let me figure out what you're saying. Have a conversation you pansy! Don't be afraid to tell me what's the matter and help me understand it and let me explain things. Because OFTEN I have been misjudged and misunderstood. Sometimes I say or do things and it comes across completely wrong. That's a weakness I have, but I can't learn anything from just being dropped. You have to get a backbone and tell me sometimes. It would be at least respectful to the fact that I let you in my life at all.

So. That.

We Survived The Twin Cities!

I'm most definitely an introvert.
I'm also a country girl. I'm so glad that the one time we thought about moving to a city, we weren't able to. I am seriously grateful. At the time it was disappointing but really I didn't have a lot of disappointment about it because deep down, I know I wouldn't be happy there. But seriously, I'm so grateful to still be living our simple, quiet, peaceful country life!

This past weekend, we spent three nights - THREE - in the Twin Cities. W.O.W.
I've been down there before, and actually was alone and had to do my own driving, so it's not that bad. I go to the MACHE conference for homeschooling. This was my 4th year, though 2 of those were only in Duluth. You are allowed to take babies under 18 months so baby came with me when I was there on Friday. It wasn't so bad, but the carrying of bags is always a problem for me! But still, I thought he wouldn't be too bad in a class or two. NOPE. That was not going to happen. I tried one for about 5 minutes. They record the classes or it might not be so big a deal. Though, apparently, they haven't discovered the beauty in high technology. See, my husband has a headset that he can use to make phone calls, and he can literally be using a chainsaw and I won't hear it. So why can't these people/places figure out how to get a sound system/mic system that doesn't pick up baby noises in the BACK of the room? I mean, it's not like I'm the kind of person who always sits in the front row or something! 

Anyway. So I will have to be ordering recordings of the seminars I wanted to hear because they were GOOD ones. "What do I do with a Resistant Learner", "What about THAT Child" and especially "Attention Obsessive Compulsive Perfectionist Control Freaks". :P 

Anyway, Friday evening we had to get to the MOA because the Sea Life had a homeschool week special rate! SUPER low. So we went. And we survived! We also had long promised our son a trip to the Lego store to pick bricks from the wall. Bonnie even got her own cup full with pink and purple legos! She was pretty happy about that! And they got their own hand made minifigure. We made it to the MOA, and out, and didn't have too much trouble - except the afraid of heights husband who was freaking out the whole time especially at diner when we had to eat on the third floor, right above the Lego store. I got chipotle! Yay! 

Saturday we had some time before the one seminar I really wanted to go to, so we went to Como Zoo! That zoo is always fun and they had Earth Day things there too so we got some free seeds and stuff too! I always end up feeling bad for the giraffes who have such a small enclosure, especially when they are inside all winter! I hope someday they change that and allow them to have more room!

Then we tried to go to the conference again. I really only wanted to go to one seminar (the Obsessive Compulsive one), so Hubby was going to just somehow man all three kids somewhere - probably the car. HAHA.
We get down in that area, and there's thousands of people, and a bunch of loud music and stuff. Some hockey event. No parking. Nowhere to even drop me off, and hubby didn't want to do it anyway. So we gave up, we were all hungry, it was lunch time anyway. So we headed out, found the nearest Perkins and had lunch, then headed to Apple Valley where we had gotten another (better) hotel for the last night of the weekend. 

That was a really good day/night. We just relaxed in the hotel, took a walk and then went to Panera Bread for dinner - someplace we'd never been. WOW is that place amazing. Went to the pool and relaxed. Well, that evening littlest baby fell into the sink counter thing and chipped his front tooth! :( Poor baby. it didnt look too bad, so it's not like I tried calling around at 9 pm for someone to check him out (though now trying to find someplace to check him out I kinda wish I had had the energy to find someone on emergency basis or something). It has to be filed down so I'm hoping I'm going to find someplace to look at it and file it down since its a bit of a scratch when he nurses.

Anyway, next day, we have a normal morning and check out, planning on heading to the MOA again because we also got special homeschool rate tickets to the Crayola Adventure! It was 9:30, and the mall apparently doesn't open until 11. So, since it was literally right there, we made a last minute stop at the MN Zoo! Left there right after lunch, and went to the MOA. Crayola was wild, although I could have sworn somewhere it said "make your own crayon" when they really mean "make your own label for a crayon we already have". But the kids had a lot of fun doing all of that stuff there, and we got three tins of markers and crayons of our choice (coolest part was you can indeed fit one of every color they had there into the smallest tin). 

We had dinner (Yay for discovering Panera Bread, although I sure could have used another stop at Chipotle) and got out of there around 6 or something. We go out to the car, and we knew when we left the car that the planes were going right over the parking garage, so we looked and sure enough you can see right up the runway from there, so we took some time there and watched planes take off. It's like a bus station, one every 2 minutes or something! Like a well oiled machine, planes coming in from the left, and taking off right toward us, crossing paths, so it seems, but never with any trouble whatsoever. It was kinda cool! With just a few potty stops we got home around 11. 

Now recovery mode! I'm completely worn out. My head hurts. Muscles are sore from constant baby carrying and walking! Crazy how that happens, and I guess I must be getting old and lazy because I don't remember that happening so badly before, though I've never spent three days carrying babies either. That, and pillows in hotels are never good it seems like! I must remember to bring my own pillow from now on. 

But we survived the MOA! TWICE! We have literally never gone, I don't think. (I've been when I was a kid a few times. Camp Snoopy was better.) And this weekend we went TWICE. That's crazy! Got all unpacked (I think) and supposed to start back at the school work this afternoon. whew. Lots of emails to sort, and phone call to make (waiting to hear back from a place to see little baby chipped tooth). Checkbook work to do.

And I hope that we don't have to go anywhere for a month. Except the tooth filing I hope to have done for the baby, the MNsure application meeting we have tomorrow... blegh.

Now, we have to pray like crazy that we did not run into any germs, because I do NOT want to deal with sicknesses.

One more thing!
As we were going home, we opened the windows and hubby noticed at some point it felt like it was getting a bit cooler, and sure enough it was - it had dropped some 20 degrees! See, in the Twin Cities, it had been in the 70s all weekend. We knew that it had snowed a bit at home, but we didn't really realize that when we got north of White Bear Lake, it would be so cold! Here's a map or 2:

Seriously wild! There are even a couple of rogue temperatures in there, I can assure you at no point was that one spot in the 60s. Which means that other spot was for sure not in the 70s either. I even have my doubts over that one 40 degree mark up there too.

This post is taking me 2 days to write, so I'll update one little thing: we went to the person to help us with our MNsure and the kids and adults in our case are screwed up. The adults are closed because we didn't send in the renewal. The kids are open, they are through MA instead of MNcare, so I have to call MNcare, see if we can renew, and if not, I have to call the county to cancel the kids before we can reapply. What a mess they have made of this system! That is absolutely rediculous. :( 

But anyway. We are mostly recovered, though it has been quite a battle trying to get some school work done again. Fighting it, and today we had to leave for that meeting, so its extra bad. I hope we get back on track tomorrow. We are already behind this week.

Just keep swimming...

The Haircut

So, we've been kinda celebrating.
Celebrating my husband's hard working paying off, how hard he works for us and how he's finally achieved a dream of working for himself, with his own truck. He's done so well! Now that he's on spring break (when road restrictions go on so you can't haul as much, around here called 'breakup') we have been doing some things to celebrate.

We bought a new fridge. Ours is as old as the house (1997 or something like that), and it has started to just run and run and run and the temperature didnt seem quite right. The water in the door had stopped working well, a seal or something would leak if we used the water, tho we were still using ice. And we knew it was time. We also wanted something bigger. We got a new dishwasher. We knew that was on the list next too, but what spurred it right now was the price. There was one there that was on discount because it had a ding in it, and we were even offered a bigger deal on it over the marked price, so SOLD!

We also spent a weekend away, which we often do this time of year whether we should or not, because after a long winter it is just time to do that. On our way, my hubby wanted a haircut, something I usually do but hadn't had the time to do lately. So all of us (except baby) got a haircut. #2 B and I had gotten one not that long ago, I think January, but I thought we would go for at least a little trim. I thought #2 B wanted to go for a summer bob, but I think she was too worried about it? I don't know. She got a shoulder length.

Me, I was going for a certain look:

What I got was:

The back is super short. Like, my son's haircut. That freaked me out the most. I've had bobs like this in the past, a couple times. But never have I ever had it this short anywhere on my head, nor had I wanted it this short.

I did ask for VB's haircut, but I was thinking of the more grown out version. I guess it wasn't even on my radar that she had started it out this short. :P I was still thinking I'd come out with shoulder length in the front, but it's cheek to chin length now.

Well, I followed myself through stages of greif. What I learned is that you don't always go through them and get over it. You go through them, then you go through them again. Sometimes you don't go through them in the same order, sometimes you get depression first. 

Anyway. I'm glad to say that I think I am finally through it. What got me through it was yesterday I ended up finally looking for pictures of what I wanted, and I had an easier time finding the short short version, instead of the longer version. So at least I know when I said "like Victoria Beckham had a while back..." I know what she saw in her mind. And, that the cut I wanted is only a couple inches off, and I will still get it! 

If nothing else, it taught me I need to be more merciful to my husband. You know how you tell people things to make them feel better about something they don't like? My hubby doesn't like his gray hair. I'm a bit younger, so I don't share his problem (yet, they are starting to show up tho...), so I guess I can't really understand. But I don't care, I like him as he is. I'd like him as a dyed blonde too, which is what he always used to do. I married an older man, and I prefer that. :P But he really doesn't. He just doesn't like it. I just didn't like this cut either. And telling me it was fine didn't help at the time either.

Mostly, this haircut was unexpected and a huge irreversible change. Aspies don't like that. Especially, I would say, with their appearance. It's hard enough when something changes outside of yourself. I think that's much worse when it's a part of you, especially when it was a change you didn't ask for and didn't expect.

But given time, space, safety to cry, we get through it. The comments of how good it looks didn't help me feel better, but it helps now. At least I don't look weird. Well, at least no one tells me I do. 

Go All Out!

I'm not really a risk taker. I don't have any desire to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, IF you could get me ON the airplane in the first place! I won't ever feel the need to bungee jump just to prove something, it's not on my bucket list or something. I don't want to do things that make me scared because I have enough stress, anxieties and fears, I don't need to purposely do more things...

But I have noticed that there have been a few times when I did things that were pretty risky!

I don't consider getting married young "risky". In fact, I encourage it. Don't make a life and try to fit someone else in it, get married and then make a life together. That's kinda the point. When you make your own life, you end up kinda stubborn and unwilling to accept someone else's mess. Anyway, I digress.

However, when I got married, I took a risk. It wasn't the spouse, the dress, the age, the timing. It was the location.
We got married outside, at the lake near where we grew up. 

Did I have a back up location? Nope. I just prayed it wouldn't rain. It didn't. Not even close. But if it had? I had NO backup. I have no idea what we would have done. Maybe we would have gotten married in the rain? I don't know. I guess we would have had some friends pull some strings at the Lutheran Church, which would have been the biggest in town. But I had no plan. 

I did something else too like that.

I had a homebirth without backup.
I mean, I know where we would have gone, just for simplicities sake, but I probably would have wanted to go to my "normal doctor" in the other town. But still, I had no backup. I didn't talk to them and ask if they would be there if we transferred. Though I think this is probably normal for homebirths, I was thinking about it the other day and made the connection between this risk and the wedding location risk. I had NO backup. I went ALL IN on my plans, and just prayed it wouldn't rain, and that nothing would go wrong.

I am so lucky. Everything went just fine, and beautiful, and I have these two incredible experiences. 

Maybe someday I will jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

As long as its a foot from the ground.

Anxiety, My Old Friend, Nice To See You

It has been tough lately again. Mostly, inside. However, as you might expect, what is inside comes outside. Tho, I honestly don't feel as if things on the outside are much different. So I don't know.

I've been plagued with non stop anxiety about this thing or that thing, this means that and that means this. OH NO I'M DYING. Know what I mean? If you don't suffer from anxiety, then you probably don't. 

It has been a little out of control lately and it has to stop.

I just don't know exactly how.

I have gotten over a couple of little things I was freaking out about - thanks to prayer and logic. However, once one thing eases up, another thing pops up.

So now I've got a crazy numb tingle down a leg, and I'm sure it means my bad posture has caught up with me and I'm giving myself back problems. I probably should be seeking out some help with massage or chiropractic. Somehow the thought of setting that up, finding somewhere for the kids to be, leaving them for an hour (the little one mostly), and actually going to things makes me stressed out.

It is actually that I have to do some kind of muscle therapy, strengthening, physical therapy. Only our insurance is in flux right now - we didn't renew because we didn't have enough information to give them for income. Of course.

So many balls in the air and none of them are going to be caught it seems like. I don't know.

I don't really like this. I don't really think it's fun. Go ahead, say all the cliche things. However don't forget that if I could just make it go away, I wouldn't have invited it to come and stay in the first place!
So have patience with me. Give me your tips. Send me your prayers. Thanks.