Parenthood Farewell

Well, that's it! Parenthood (the show) is over.

The only reason I got into this show was because of Max. Max has changed my life. When the show started, I was not diagnosed yet. I wasn't even sure if I wanted or needed to be. It wasn't really on my radar. The more I watched, the more of myself I saw, the more I talked to people (many of which didn't believe me), the more I realized that I had to find out for sure, for myself, so that I could stop saying that I thought I could relate, so that I could find out if I actually did relate! So, I did, I am, and I do!

My son was just officially diagnosed yesterday. I've known since birth, but it became more and more apparent that I don't have the actual tools or skills to help him with his ASD any more than I have the tools or skills to help myself with my own. As an adult, there aren't exactly resources available, but it is more obvious to me every day how much I need some of the things that ASD kids are getting. For one, my emotional regulation is not good. But I digress...

I was/am devastated. I loved the show, I loved how they were so real, I loved how it wasn't about death, or murder, or killing, or vampires or witches, or other spiritual stuff. This was a show about "real people", a "real family". I say that in quotes because we all know it isn't real, but it feels like stories that could be. It is relatable, and covered a wide range of topics and stories. Of course the one I was most interested in was Max's. 

The thing that I find especially ironic right now is that just as we start our "official" journey with our son is when the show is ending. The show started with Max kicking off his journey, and its ending with us kicking off ours.

I do have the show to thank for being able to even consider being diagnosed, and doing the same for my son. I don't know if I would have even had discussions about it if it hadn't been for the show, and I might not be sitting here with all the answers to my childhood issues, and adult issues, and the answers to what will help my son. I might be in a totally different place with all of this. I don't know how I could keep going on not knowing about this part of me that affects everything else, so I guess I might have eventually been diagnosed anyway, but I know that the show and the discusions that came from that are a huge part of why.

I also realized tonight that I have a hard time with this stuff.

I have always had a hard time with movies. I'm the girl who won't watch Dumbo or Lady and the Tramp, (and I won't be showing them to my kids either), among other movies, and other reasons, because I cannot handle the emotional turmoil that they cause in my heart, my mind and my body. I could not stop crying. I had made a prediction early on in the season, and I couldn't have been more right. Still, it made for a rather devastating ending to the show, while bittersweet, then filled with clips from the future and whatnot... I can still feel myself torn up about this.

And that's just what I'm getting at. I can't do this kind of thing anymore. Years ago I distanced myself from suspenseful shows, scary shows, and shows where people were constantly being murdered and whatever. I can't take the emotional turmoil. Parenthood was the complete opposite of that kind of thing, but still, when it ends, I find myself just as emotionally distraught, and feeling just as sick over it. I don't like that feeling. I really honestly can't take this kind of thing.

I literally felt depression. I know most people don't feel depression hit them overnight, or in minutes. I know most people don't really realize they are falling into it until they are already there. But I literally felt the way I did when I had the mirena, but it happened in the span of about 5 minutes. Just all of a sudden - BOOM - it hit me like a ton of bricks. Whether it was just from the whole emotions of the episode in question here, or if it was the fact that its over and its almost like someone died (oh wait....), and the parallels between what happened in the episode and what has happened to our family in real life this past fall, or if it is the change in routine - that I won't be having Parenthood as a part of my routine anymore - it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

 Don't worry too much about me, I already know if this doesn't ease up, I will be running for the counselor! LOL But I think I will be fine. The Notebook killed me a little bit too, but I survived that just fine, eventually. 

Anyway, I don't know if this is common with people with Aspergers/ASD, or not. I know it's not real, but it feels real. They engage your real emotions, so it feels so real. It is almost like your mind is confused with your body, your body reacts like it's real and your mind knows it's not?

Either way, I don't want any more connections to any more shows! I just can't take the emotional stress. This is probably for the best anyway, as I can't stand the crap they are putting on tv anymore. Can't even watch a "good show" without having to see 26 ads for the worst shows you never wanted to hear about.

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest tonight. I'm sure this isn't the last time I'll write about it, and I'm sure that I'm going to end up reading a ton of articles about the finale or whatever. But this strong of a connection to a tv show really shakes me, and I am not sure that I like it, and I don't want any more shows!! I've been so upset that it's going to be over, and now after it is, I'm relieved. They almost imprison you don't they? No more Parenthood, no more good Veggietales. This is getting interesting isn't it? 

So. I'm just a little overwhelmed tonight. A little overtired from the release of emotions from not only the show, but the week in general. May God make this a better future, without any more addicting tv shows!

The Boy

Today we got the results of the testing the boy had. 

It's official! The boy has ASD!

I would like to go into a lot of detail, but I think that borders on being a little too open with his life. Which I'm torn about, but I really have to think about that. But he has all the classic ASD stuff going on, which is hard for me to picture, because he is my emotional boy, but he doesn't recognize his emotions very well, or the emotions of others. The way they put that is that he doesn't recognize others emotions, or ask about them, but what I see that is he doesn't really care what others think. Which can be a good thing too right? 

Definitely moving forward, we are going to find him somewhere to get some skills to be able to adjust easier, and help him with his intense emotions. I am sure that along with that, I will find just as much to help me as he will, though it likely will be a lot harder for me at my age! 

I'm really glad to be going through this with my son, especially at this age. I want to help him to be able to rein in the negative parts, like the intense anger, and encourage the good parts (which I think we do a pretty good job of, but helping that grow into other things too). So I'm excited! My brilliant boy will someday be something incredible.

I'm so grateful to God for this journey, and that I get to share it with our son. I'm grateful that these days there is actually ways to help reduce the negative stuff! I'm grateful that he has been given a gift, and that we will be able to see him bloom and turn into everything God intends for him to be! I know that ASD has been a gift for me, and though I may still not be exactly sure what my gift is, I'm excited to learn, and see the same for my son! :)

I just wanted to get some feelings out, and make a post, since I haven't in a while. I have been sort of stuck on topics, and a bit distracted with a toddler and homeschooling and winter blahs. But I will have to keep up with little bits here and there about how the boy is doing, and how I am doing. I'm really interested in knowing how I can learn and grow too!

REFERRED LINK: ASD Acceptance

REFERRED LINK:
Acceptance as a well being practice

This article was one I couldn't pass up. I was asked once why I bothered getting diagnosed anyway. What difference would it make? It isn't like I need help - right? I'm not in school or anything, and I don't even work full time, I don't have any trouble with the work that I do (when I work). 

This link was exactly why. So many reasons, but knowing was part of the cure for me. One of my earlier posts was about that. (Read that here)

I had already been involved in a few groups or pages about women with autism spectrum. But I was having to say things like "I relate to everything you're saying, I think I have aspergers too, but I'm not diagnosed." 

Now tell me, what would YOU do? Wouldn't you want to get diagnosed? I mean, at that point, I thought I had it (pretty darn stinking sure actually), but no one had professionally told me "yes, thats it!", so I was left in the position of "well, you're no professional, so what if you're wrong?" 

It was DEVASTATING, every single time someone tried to downplay the struggles I was having, and had struggled with, every day of my life. People would downplay almost every single reason I thought I was an aspie. From the social stuff (you're just introverted - shy - everyone is a "little bit aspie") to the big stuff (but you make eye contact/have friends/have a husband/have kids). 

I don't know exactly what they were trying to do. Were they trying to convince me that I didn't because they thought I felt bad about it or was afraid of the diagnosis? I just don't understand why someone would try to talk someone OUT of something they know makes them who they are. 

I mean, no one does that to GLTB people! Quite the opposite, we encourage them and support them and wave their flag loud and strong, and we bring bricks down on anyone who dares to talk them out of it! Even when people have chosen to change and not be GLTB (yes, it IS possible - because "with God, all things are possible - Matthew 19:26. ALL THINGS. not "all things, except if you're gay.) But I digress...

So I finally came to the point where I had to find out, for sure. I'd taken all the online quizzes. I had read the entire The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome. I knew as much as could be after that, right? But still, I had people trying to talk me out of it. I've even had people after my diagnosis trying to downplay it, as if I don't know anything about it, or as if it went away, or isn't as bad as it used to be. Sure, I'm not like most male aspies who seem more obvious than females. There is a difference between males and females and most of the information out there is on males, probably because its easier to study the ones that seem obvious!
But whether inner or outer, the symptoms lead to the same diagnosis. And I am happy about that! I am happy that the criteria for diagnosis is strong enough to see through the facade of what is seen and what is not seen. 

Anyway, Aspergers was the only thing that explained my entire life to me. All the weird things, all the frustrations, all the tears, all the obsessions, everything could be tied up in one neat Aspergers bow. And I like it that way. I'm okay with who I am. I'm a little less hard on myself, when I think about what I should do sometimes, and what I am actually capable of doing. I give myself a break when I'm under stress because I know that it isn't that I'm being lazy, but that I really need to give myself a break! I also know what happens if I don't, and why. Having an explanation is not an excuse to behave badly, as so many have also assumed about me, but it is a perfect and specific explanation for why I might do or feel certain things. That black and white thinking that you might hate about me? It is common and normal in almost all ASD. That I care more about the truth than peoples feelings that ticks you off? Again, common and normal for almost all ASD. It isn't an excuse, its the reason I do it, and normally, I don't even know I'm doing it. 

I have improved greatly where those things are concerned. Instead of engaging in every single contrary argument I encounter, I have learned that I can walk away. On Facebook, for example, I used to have my worst fights with people. They would accuse me of something that I never intended to imply, and I would spend days and days responding, trying to explain what I really meant, and that I didn't mean it the way they took it, until either I would feel so bullied I would delete the post and my own thoughts or the other person blocked/unfriended me.
Now, I know better. I know why I feel so black and white on issues, and I know that it is possible to walk away, and it is better for everyone. I know that it is possible to unfollow posts, and just not respond anymore. Without my diagnosis, I'm just the annoying, obsessive, mean, controlling, judgemental jerk everyone thinks I am. With it, I know that my brain just works differently, for a reason, and that there is nothing wrong with how I think. There is nothing wrong with dreaming of or comparing things to a perfect world. There is nothing wrong with seeing black and white in an area where everyone else sees gray. And I am a lot less hard on myself, I don't beat myself up over every argument anymore, and I don't have to condemn myself for not being "as nice as _____".

Anyway, I really appreciated Musings' thoughts and I'm really glad that she wrote this post. It is perfect. So if you're on the fence, thinking you might be ASD, I promise you that things are better on the OTHER side of the diagnosis! If you don't want to, fine, but (in true black and white fashion) I know that it would be better if you knew, with a diagnosis.

The Boy

Well, we are well into the testing with B. He is doing fine, cooperating and its really fun to watch. Sister was too distracting in the first session so I had to leave the room, but this week hubby was with so I got to sit in the whole time with him. I had to do some paperwork anyway. One more week then that big bad 2 week wait for the "results". I'm fairly certain, looking at the paperwork I had to do and answering for B, that I have known the outcome all along, again.

The biggest thing we want from all of this is just to be able to work with him better. Like I told her yesterday, help him to work through some of his frustration and anger and the fact that its 0-60 in 2 seconds... and since he is just like me where that is concerned, if I can learn something along the way too, BONUS. 

Testing is fun!

People Are Crazy

(Disclaimer: I truly hope none of you take this personally or as an insult. I'm just venting and reflecting on my experience, and, well, people are crazy!)

When it comes to ASD, there are so many people who just don't know what it looks like. They could have read an article here or watched a movie there, or known some kid who is ASD. But they still don't honestly have a clue what ASD is or looks like. 

I felt a lot of judgement when I was talking about being diagnosed. People just simply didn't think that I had ASD. They really didn't. They wouldn't believe me at all ("You couldn't have ASD! You make eye contact! You have friends! You are married!"), they gave me excuses, ("Well, everyone is a little ASD in one way or another") or they would completely blow it off and not even address it.

With myself I found that few blew it off, but more often I was faced with all these excuses and disbelief! I knew something about myself, I researched it before I was certain, and I knew what I was talking about! Until you've actually been in the head of someone with ASD, you don't really have a right to say whether they do or not.

With my B, however, I have found more people to be blowing it off. I don't know what to make of it. I guess I haven't been up front with every single person about it, its a bit more sensitive because this is B's journey now. So out of respect for him as a young person, I am trying to be discreet and sensitive to how he may feel about me talking about him or whatever. It is difficult for me because I usually lean more toward being open and transparent. I don't typically like to hide anything, or to not share. But this isn't about me right now. This is about him. 

Anyway, those who do know haven't really commented on it. Is this because they don't know what to say? Is this because they don't want him to have a label? Is it because they doubt my parenting somehow? (Yes, insecurity is a part of the deal here.) 

When someone you know is going through the diagnosis progress, find out where they are at with this. Some people may be like me, and want to share with people they trust. Ask them questions and express your concern for them and their lives and journey! Most of all though, I don't think anyone would want you to just brush it under the rug and ignore it. I mean, if you find someone who does want you to ignore it, obviously respect their wishes. However, to me, it feels more as if you are denying that part of me, or my son, and that you either don't believe me or you don't believe that diagnosis is important or necessary. Those are your personal feelings, and you're welcome to them, but that doesn't mean you have to ignore this journey because you feel differently about it. This isn't about my parenting, this is about my son having a genuine brain difference, and we are searching out help for him to grow and learn and be happy and be able to deal with things like change and surprises or whatever it may be. We need these resources because my ASD is not the same as his ASD. My interests are not the same as his interests. You can't communicate with someone in Russian when they only understand Greek. So that's what we are doing. I hesitated a long time on diagnosis. I didn't want my child to be "marked" in such a way, and I figured I could deal with this on my own. (Once again, my independence is really strong here and I don't want to have to have help.) I thought that because I'm ASD, that I would understand his brain and be able to handle it. Sometimes I can, sometimes it is very easy for me to say "oh, thats just because hes ____ and thats ASD, and it's okay."

Anyway. Our first meeting went well! Brody was his splendid self, first shy and introverted, then he kinda went wild with the toys and everything else going on. I think he was running on nerves and the room was hot and new and everything. So I don't have to worry about him being anything but himself, and this is exactly what it's like always. It's also reassuring that he won't ever be anyone except himself, even around people he just met. That kind of thing is always encouraging, at least to me.

Can't wait to continue more on this journey. A week from Wednesday we start the "official" testing. Fun stuff. I remember it well. I can't wait to see the testing from an outside perspective instead of it being for me.