That Overwhelming Feeling

I am still ever in the process of learning more about myself, and better understanding it through the lens of Aspergers. 

I have come to realize that the days I have felt the worse are the days I go to town. I hate going to town, to be honest, especially on my own, and especially now with two kids! There is so much to worry about, and so much to try to take care of and remember to do. Of course, this is on top of other things I have to do at home, including the physical therapy exercises (which are driving me crazy, by the way, because I have a hard time remembering to do them, or having a free chance to do it!)... Some days life is just a bit suffocating!

I don't know why, but knowing that going to town is a "trigger" for me is releasing a lot of stress from my head. I know I am going to be overwhelmed, so for some reason I feel better about it. I guess knowing that I'm not really sick helps maybe? 

Life has been pretty good. Being able to stay home with my babies is really lovely! Now watching my oldest struggle a little bit with things in his life, all these presenting features of Aspergers in him, I am so glad that I have made the choices I have made, and I am glad that I have him here with me, and that he can relax for another year and learn by play instead of book work. Sometimes I feel as if we should be doing something, but I know that if he were ready, we would be doing it! 

Either way, I am having less moments with that overwhelming feeling. I know when I get home, I can't stand any bickering between me and our son, or my husband and our son, I end up speaking really quietly and just asking "please lets not argue tonight....", and the TV is too loud and I just need some quiet and peacefulness and some really laid back relaxing. I have yet to tell Jeff in a good moment about this specifically, but I know that I should and will when I get the chance. 

I love every moment since I have been diagnosed. Even assuming I was an Aspie wasn't enough. KNOWING, that has been the "cure" for a lot of the issues I encounter in my life. If I can look at issues through the Aspie lens, and find resources or experiences of other Aspie women, then I can look at the situation and realize that this is normal for me, that it is okay. I'm not sick, I'm not going to have an anxiety attack or panic attack for no reason, I have had to learn that these things are signs that I am doing too much and I need to give myself a break, and get more rest! When I do that, I always wake up refreshed and feeling 100% again. This has all been good!

So if you are an adult who thinks you might have Aspergers, please talk to your doctor about being tested. It could really make a difference in your life, and ease all the problems and worries that you have in your life!

Change

I dislike fall. Although I do enjoy the colors, they are far too fleeting.

That got me thinking about life in general. My son is going to be 7 in just under 2 months. My youngest is 3 1/2 months. Time flies, just like everyone said it would. I can't believe I have a big kid, one who is clearly not a baby anymore. I cherish every moment of snuggles and the times he needs me but those times are fewer and farther between than they used to be. I guess that is probably a good thing since we have the new baby, and I can only imagine how overwhelmed I would be if he needed me as much as he used to. Unfortunately, he does still need me, and sometimes I'm too busy with the baby to be able to take care of those needs immediately. It is frustrating to try to balance, and I can see his little broken heart those times that I "let him down" by not being able to help. In all honesty, I have been helping him with things that he doesn't really need help with, but it was easier to help him than to fight with him about doing it on his own. So all in all, this is good for him to learn to do these simple things on his own. I try to help him out with other things.

Anyway the point of this is that change is hard. Whether it is your kids growing up and not needing you as much anymore, or the sadness is another summer over, and the leaves dropping so quickly leaving woods that look more like skeletons than living things... it is depressing and hard to adjust to. Everyone says how pretty fall is, and it is, but only for a couple weeks. By the time we are more prepared to go check out fall scenes, its past the peak, and we have to try to get to those areas that haven't hit peak yet. Then it is over, and all thats left is brown brown brown. Most everything is wet in the fall, and rotting away. The sun (oh the sun!) is moving south, and spending more time hiding behind the large trees to the south of me. I miss the sunlight brightening up our whole house! Maybe we will actually have it logged a bit this year finally, and maybe that will unblock some of the sunshine. 

So today, on a cloudy, rainy, cold and wet day, I asked him what he wanted to do today, and he said he wanted to just watch movies all day. I don't love the idea, but you know what? Sometimes a boy just has to be able to do what he wants to do. I will do the chores today and not ask him to do his. I won't make him brush his teeth or get dressed. (If he wants to do it, I won't stop him either!) I'll just let him have a day totally off from doing what I think he should be doing. I'm actually hoping at some point he will want to play a game because I'm up for that. Right now he is watching Mary Poppins while reading/looking at a book. He needs a day off, just like everyone else right? 

Anyway. Just had to post. 7400 views on this blog. I'm grateful for any followers and the people who visit my blog. It isn't an awesome, earth-shattering blog, but I'd like to think that I am helping somehow.