Referred Post: MyAspieWife and Honesty

http://myaspiewife.wordpress.com/2013/02/24/autistic-people-should/

I LOVE THIS POST because its TOTALLY TRUE. I keep telling people this all the time, and it's like they don't believe me. I don't lie, and I follow the rules or whatever. I prefer to do the right thing, and I will stubbornly stick by that right thing, even if someone gets their feathers ruffled because of it. I know I'm doing the right thing, so it matters little what someone else thinks of it. It's not out of some kind of selfish drama, its sincere, and honest. Why wont people believe me when i say that?

You know why they don't believe me? Because few people are like that anymore. No one is honest all the time. No one is truthful all the time. People would rather run around offending people and insulting them than to tell them the truth. OR, people would rather lie to each other to "spare each other's feelings" than to be truthful. Think about it. When your friend asks you if you like _____, usually the answer is yes isn't it? Whether its a new haircut, or outfit, or makeup, or whatever, you don't want to hurt your friend's feelings, so you tell that "little white lie" to make her "feel good" instead of saying honestly that it isn't for you, or you don't think it ____ or whatever.

I HATE playing those kinds of games. It feels dishonest because IT IS. I'm the one that's like "Well, I'm glad you are comfortable with that, but the color makes your skin fade out" or whatever. I'm the girl who has said to MANY of my friends "That's great, but you look better without makeup". And then I'M the bad guy, I just told my friend she's ugly because I think she looks better without it? What is WITH you people? I'm not going to lie and say that I think that people with artificial color on their skin look better than people with normal color to their skin. I'm sorry, in NO EXISTENCE is blue a natural color for an eyelid, neither is green, or purple. I won't pretend it is, and I shouldn't be treated like the bad guy when I say as much.

Going off track to that subejct, you know, there's honestly two things going on here. First is that they use the makeup to cover up "blemishes". You know, if you'd stop putting that chemical mixture on your face, the blemishes would go away on their own. If you eat healthier foods, your blemishes would go away on their own. Second, they use makeup to "look fancy". Well, then you start hating your own natural appearance! You start to not like what you look like without a bunch of paint on your face. So you wear it more and more, and hate more and more what you look like without it.

I digress.

Fact of the matter is, I'm trying to build my friend UP. I'm trying to tell her that she doesn't have to spend her money on chemical mixtures and colors that aren't natural for our faces. I'm saying that her own natural skin, the body she is created with, is GOOD ENOUGH, and pretty, and beautiful. I'm the one standing there saying what society is NOT: you are good enough without the extra goop! Instead, I am treated as if I just said they were a hideous monster with huge warts and zits all over. Come off it!! I'm being honest!

People don't expect that, and they don't honestly know what to do with it when they receive it because so few people are doing it. Honesty is rare, true honesty. I would much rather my friend tell me that an outfit or look or hairstyle just isn't for me, than to have them lie to my face and then make fun of me behind my back or something. I like honesty. I sense something is amok when I am lied to, though I usually don't know what it is. That causes discomfort for me, and causes me to put distance between me and that person. Wouldn't you rather be known as a person of honesty than a person who just always "makes someone else feel good"? I'm sorry, to be lied to doesn't feel good!

Being Sick & Tolerance

Both me and my 6 year old son ended up sick 2 days ago. We went to the doctor yesterday and tested positive for the flu. Our symptoms were cough, stuffy nose (me), phlem (him), fever, headache, severe body aches (me), exhaustion. This is the upper respiratory flu, not the puking your guts out kind.

So they gave us tamiflu.
Our son did ok, but he hated the taste.
I threw up. Twice.
Thanks tamiflu. Because the only thing I was missing being sicker than I ever remember being in my entire life is the puking. And I got to do that TWICE. Not the liquidy kind, nope, it was as if i chewed my food, swallowed, and regurgitated it on the spot. Even though it was hours later.

Being sick is intolerable, no matter who you are. But I discovered that all those things that sometimes drive me crazy drive me crazy on a constant basis when I'm sick. The random numb spot on my rib that I get when I'm pregnant? Intolerable. Dirty dishes piling up in the kitchen? Intoerable. Not being able to do the laundry? Intolerable. The only thing I didn't care about missing was being online. :P And I was on my phone enough to check messages and notifications. :P Cheating, maybe? 

Intolerable. Thank God it only lasted about 2-3 days in the intolerable state. Now its my poor hubby's turn I guess. :( Poor guy. He has enough stress about work and money as it is, now the machine is broke down. At least we know its only a couple days, and I got him Brody's bed all set up so that he has his own space and a comfortable bed instead of the couch where he has been camped out.

Being sick is intolerable. But I'm glad it was not the stomach flu (with the exception of the tamiflu incident!).

Expectations

I have rather high expectations of people. While I realize that sometimes this can be the cause of the frustration I have with friendships, I can't seem to overcome this.

Basically, when someone says they are going to do something, I expect them to do it. I don't really like people who procrastinate on things, and I certainly don't like it when they don't do what they say they are going to do. It is a giant let down.

I realize people are human. I do not turn on people who let me down. Despite the pain that this causes me, I guess I set myself up for future failures.

Is it so wrong to expect people to be something, to do something, to follow through? I don't think it is. But, still, its very frustrating to keep having the same people let me down over and over. It makes me feel as if I'm not worth putting in the time, or effort, for something to be done, or whatever. Of COURSE I blame myself. Of COURSE I do. Because blaming someone else would be wrong wouldn't it? I do try to take responsibility for my own feelings. So maybe it IS my fault.

But really, shouldn't people follow through more? Shouldn't I be able to trust people and rely on them? 

Aspergers & Death - Caution: Raw & Unedited

Disclaimer: Death is a sensitive topic. I know this. I am aware of this. I want to give you a view into my head, this doesn't apply to every death or every person with Aspergers. None of my thoughts are meant to diminish the tragic nature of death whether expected or unexpected. Thank you for understanding, and not becoming offended by my thoughts which can be misinterpreted to be insensitive. (They are NOT meant to be insensitive.)

Death. Just the word makes us shudder inside, doesn't it? I think every person feels about the same about death in general. 

For me, though, whether its a part of my coping specifically or a part of Aspergers, I tend to view death differently than most people. Briefly, first off, I do not believe in the idea of an everlasting hell where people would burn forever. It does not exist, I do not believe in it, and I have never found proof that it is a Biblical view. So take that in mind. The dead are mearly "asleep", as the Bible frequently references to. (For more information please go to http://www.amazingfacts.org/news-and-features/news/id/485/what-does-the-bible-say-about-the-dead.aspx).


Now that I am clear about my position on death from a religious standpoint, I want to tell you my thoughts when facing a death.

First of all, if the person had habits that contributed to their death, I have a harder time feeling the sadness. (No offense intended to any family members of the example given!!) For example, if a person smokes their whole life long, and they die of lung, or other related cancers, I feel more sad that they never kicked the habit, that they had to have known that their habit was endangering their health, and somehow they didn't think working to quit was worth the effort. This may or may not be true in every case, but that's my self protecting, logical thought process on those kinds of situations. 

If a person had a disease that was life threatening, obviously, I feel less sad about their death. It was almost expected, and I have feelings of relief. I do not believe it is fair for people to have to suffer through life, and when illness and disease plagues people, I feel that a death, even when unexpected, its a relief to me. That person is no longer suffering, and if they believed in Jesus, they can awake to a perfect and healthy body that they did not have while in this life. I think very little of my own sadness, but I think of what a person might have had to endure had their life continued.

I think a lot of times we consider a person's death in the perspective of our own pain. Does death hurt? Yes it sincerely and completely devastates our lives, and of course the closer to us it is the more devastating. I do not intend or mean to diminish or discount the feelings of pain, frustration, anger, denial, depression and the like that people experience when someone they know dies. Those feelings are real, and they are sincere. They are not something anyone should be ashamed of, nor should anyone feel they should have to hide their feelings.

That being said, depending on the case, we have to consider what would the life of the dead be like if they did not die, but instead had medical procedures/lifesaving procedures done or whatnot to prevent their death? If someone has nearly drown, and is in a coma or something, for example, what are we bringing them back to? The odds are high that when oxygen is cut off from the brain, you risk brain damage, or memory loss or other misc injury. What are we bringing them back to? If someone has suffered from disease or harm for many years, and starts to pass on, what are we trying to save them from death for? Are we really trying to bring them back to their life of suffering and pain? Or are we trying to bring them back to us so WE don't have to feel the pain? Do you know what I mean? Many times we focus on our own pain, our own feelings. It is perfectly natural for this to happen, humans are naturally self focused, because its hard to logic it out when you are emotional. For me though, I see the logical in order to deal with the emotional. The relief of a passing of someone who has suffered so long overcomes my feelings of sadness and anger that would make one wish that things had been different.

Some people get angry and lash out at God, but I say God knows better than we do. God knows better what the outcomes might be. And we must not forget the power that satan has to destroy and torture in our lives as well. There's a battle here, between God who shares in our pain and misery, and satan who revels in it, and creates it in his "spare time" for the fun of it. Don't forget that when facing a death. 

So basically, I logic things out. I help see the situation from a point of view of sense, order and logic. Yes, I can think of a person and sob, I can go to the funeral and feel as if I won't ever stop crying. I can be extremely distressed inside that I didn't see or talk to someone in a long time, and now they're gone. I get those feelings too. This goes along with my writing on empathy, I do have empathy. But perhaps because I can feel it sometimes too intensely, I tend to throw the logic in there to help myself deal and focus. Trust me, even funerals where I haven't cried over the person's death, I leave exhausted and overwhelmed because of all the emotions of others. I don't go to many funerals, except when I have a purpose - whether I cared deeply about the person who died, or their friends or family. I try to reduce my facing those intense situations if I can help it.

Anyway, those are my scatterbrained thoughts right now. We are going through the death of a very dear friend, one I haven't had much time with in the past few years. She'd been ill for a long long time, but nothing that was supposed to have been fatal. It's really painful. But honestly, I am grateful for her life, and for God's mercy in not forcing her to endure more years of tests, hospitalizations, and dead end hopeless cures for all the pain and struggles she had. She leaves behind very close loving family, but no friends because if you were a friend of hers, you were not just a friend you were FAMILY. So you can see that although I am so sorry I didn't get more time with her, especially in recent years, I am grateful that she doesn't have to suffer. She never deserved the suffering she endured. She was a fighter, but she doesn't have to fight anymore. And some glorious morning, not too far in the future, she can wake up to that perfect, healthy body that she never experienced in this life, and all the pain from her life and early death will be erased and forgotten. I look forward to seeing her physically the way I always saw her in my heart. 

Two Good Pictures

6 Myths Link and Comments

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/debunking-6-myths-about-asperger-syndrome/

Good post.

I'll add my thoughts on the list as well.

#1: I obviously did not outgrow anything. Sure, over the course of 30 years, I've learned a lot about people that I regularly interact with, and I've learned a lot about dealing with people I do not know as well. I copy and use a lot of socialization from other people I know well, like my parents or something. I can absorb and use characteristics of people I'm around. 30 years of experience is a lot of experience working things out, and though my symptoms might not be as obvious as a 10 year old who's still trying to figure life out, but they are still there.

#2: What? Who in their right mind thinks that we don't get married? We aren't brain dead! I was told that because I could maintain a relationship with my husband, and all that includes, that I couldn't have Aspergers. Really? There are people who are willing and able to crack through the exterior. There are people who are similar enough to us that our lifestyle fits theirs. There are people who fall in love with us THE WAY WE ARE. I have read stories of people with Down's Syndrome falling in love and getting married. We have to stop this really negative view of people who are different. Unless we're hooked up to life support, we are willing and able to love and be loved. Even with Autism.

#3: Social phobia? Says who? I'm not afraid to talk to people, but I know that I have a hard time with it, and I know that especially if a person doesn't know me well, I have the problem of being misunderstood. So I tread carefully. I am careful with what I say to whom. It's not that I'm afraid, or terrified, it's that I'm aware of my lack of skills and I just use them carefully.

#4: I am most definitely not disinterested in others, nor am I necessarily aloof. Sure, I keep to myself, I have "restricted" lifestyle, I simply will not participate in certain environments, but that is about ME, not about my interest in others. In fact, I figure I am being considerate of others by not going into certain environments where I will not be able to function normally and interact normally. Loud bars, rock concerts, things like that just aren't my bag. It would be rude of me to go through that and end up overwhelmed and in a meltdown instead of able to interact with a friend.
I find that I am sometimes a bit TOO interested in others; when I feel a connection to someone, I want to know almost everything about them, their life story, to see pictures of them, everything. This might come on strong to most people, but its not because I'm disinterested and aloof, obviously!

#5: Yup, for the most part, I am not a fan of eye contact. However, I know when I do not have a choice. Usually I think people consider my looking at their lips to be almost the same as giving eye contact. Often, especially if its a louder environment, I have to look at their mouth to "hear" what they are saying. I hear my grandmother read lips as well. Nothing wrong with that! It helps me to "hear". I do give eye contact, but more of a "checking in" sort of way. I am very aware of it internally, I tell myself to, and I know its an important part of conversation for NT people. However, the fact that I have to tell myself to do it, well, most people don't have to do that right? My eyes dart sometimes when I'm trying to focus on that. It's hard and annoying. I don't like it. 

#6: Empathy. I could probably write an entire post on empathy alone, and I think that a lot of my Aspie friends could as well. We are not hard hearted people who do not feel anything. In fact, most of the Aspies I have talked to sometimes admit to feeling TOO much for their own comfort! Just because we might not show it like everyone else doesn't mean we don't feel it.

For example, death is sad, but I don't always get so distraught about it that I'm unable to get ahold of myself. There are times and places. I cry when I'm alone, I cry at the funeral, or sometimes if I'm in a mood. Just because I can go on with my life "seemingly" normal does not mean I am not affected by the death. I can think of other things, funny times with that person, or even logically about their death specifically. We all know people who have died, but they did it to themselves in a way. Yes, still sad, but I have a part of me that "logics it out" - and that is NOT insensitive, it's just the way it is. Someone who smoked their whole life and dies of lung cancer doesn't hit me the same as a young person dying from something beyond their control. It sounds insensitive to you, but for me, its really simple. Again, I am deeply saddened by the death, but I don't have to express that the same as you! That doesn't make me wrong. That doesn't mean I don't have empathy!

I have been in the room of someone who is upset, and I might not even be aware of what the problem is, or that the person is upset, but I feel as if something isn't right. I can't tell you how many times I felt this way in high school. See, my best friends were usually my teachers, and no matter how much anyone might say that I was crazy to be "in love" with one or two, it makes little difference. If I was in the same room, and they were upset, it isn't like they could or would tell me about it, I just KNEW they weren't feeling right or acting right. Most of the time, I was the only one who would notice this stuff, and my friends would look at me like I was nuts for thinking that something was wrong. I had even convinced myself I must have just been crazy. However the more I learn about my Aspergers, and the empathy situation with people with Aspergers, the more I realize that my instincts were probably right, however, like I said, it isn't like my teachers could talk to some teenager about their problems. A few times I would get pieces of information that this was happening or that was happening, so I could figure it must have been that. So I wasn't wrong after all, and I still do this today. I'm more aware of it, so I try to figure out where those "vibes" are coming from, instead of being mystified that my head is spinning or something.

The closer I am to someone, the harder it hits. If my husband is stressed out, it overwhelms me. If my son is  worked up, it makes me more worked up, which doesn't help either of us. I have learned a lot about giving myself a break during stressful moments, and giving him a break too, so that we dont overwhelm each other by bouncing off each other's moods.  I'm aware of this now. It used to be more of a mystery. It used to make things more complicated.

Anyway, I thought that the link had a very good list, and I agree with what they had to say. I don't think they covered everything I would have - but this post is probably overwhelming enough for THIS blog! Just had to share my thoughts!

Interruptions: REFERRED Blog Post

I am in total agreement with this post! I too hate interruptions, and I can't stand sitting down to read, only to be interrupted. I suppose this also pertains to my "working on the computer" as well, I do get upset when interrupted, and I do find it hard to calm down to get past that for a while.

I need to somehow schedule myself, perhaps more rigidly, so that I'm limiting what I'm doing and allowing there to be "scheduled" time for those things that are being interrupted FOR. I'm perfectly happy to "finish" what I'm doing and do what needs to be done, but I hate to be interrupted to do it. Frustrating!

http://aspiewriter.com/2013/01/interruptions-make-me-angry.html