Crowds

I haven't posted in forever again, sorry!

I went over 1000 views though! That's kinda cool!

Yesterday, I had gotten tickets to a comedy show for my husband, so we went. It was in an arena. This is bigger than anything I have ever been to, except for a Timberwolves game or two (not by choice; we sang the national anthem when I was in high school).
Anyway, sometimes it perplexes me how I have the ability to deal with crowds. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not comfortable. I don't feel "safe", I don't trust people won't try to swipe something from me, I don't like being bumped into or smelling alcohol or smokes on other people, etc. But somehow, its like I am mentally prepared, and I don't freak out when I'm there.

We were kinda squished in our seats. My husband felt very cramped. The guy next to him thought he had to use half of my husband's space and the guy next to me kept elbowing me (unintentional I hope). So I leaned over toward my husband more. He didn't seem too bothered, but he didn't really accept my hand very often. He was uncomfortable, yet enjoying the show.

I always seem to find the path through a crowd. I don't "stay in line" - I see a space and I go for it. If I'm moving, then I'm closer to not being there I guess, right? My husband doesn't know what I'm doing half the time, he just sees me darting in and out of "traffic", unless he's had the forethought to hold on, in which case I am slowed down a little.

I wonder if having Aspergers, and not being comfortable in crowds, leads some kind of ability to see the holes where others don't. I guess where some people will try to walk straight, I will take zigzags just to get out. I don't know.

Anyway, somehow I have gained this ability to be ok in a crowd, at least for a short time, or an afternoon or something. How, I don't know. Maybe it was because of my childhood having so much family around periodically for holidays and such. Maybe it was from being in public school and liking enough of it that I just learned to be in the crowd. 

However, like most other things in my life, I never follow the crowd. Most of the crowd going out of the arena was going to the left. Well, I knew I wanted to go toward the right in the building in general, so I went right instead, found an empty row, took that, and dashed out. We were probably out before most people left their seats because we went the other direction. What is with that crowd mentality? Why is it so hard to go against the current? Not only physically (such as in an arena with thousands), but in life in general. Most people are more than willing to go along with what everyone else seems to be doing: whether its lifestyle, or parenting or hobbies, or whatever. You just see groups of people all doing the same thing like a bunch of lemmings. What is wrong with doing things your own way? Is the pressure external or internal? Some people might be coerced into doing something, while others just want to please someone else and do it? I don't know. But when it comes to something like safety, why do we still think we can get away with doing it the way everyone else is, even if they are hurting or risking themselves or someone else? I just don't get it.

Well this post was scattered. A random jumble of thoughts.

I'm going to start reading "Appreciating Aspergers" and talking about it chapter by chapter, how it is true (or not) in my life. I hope I can get on this soon, I have a hard time reading, so I hope the chapters make for a short read. Thanks for reading!

Change & My Brain

Again, I have to apologize, I'm stealing a post from someone else.

Often times in this journey, I have not known what to write, and then I run across something that fits me perfectly, and I didn't even know it did.

This was a very detailed description of processing change. This is likely why people with Aspergers/Autism are upset by changes. To me, even small changes are big changes, so keep that in mind. Enjoy this referral today! Thanks to Inner Aspie for a great post!

http://inneraspie.blogspot.com/2012/10/change-how-my-brain-processes-it.html

Saw It, Loved It, Reposting It: Sensory Processing & 90% Cure Part 2

Today I saw this VIA Karla's ASD Page on FB:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Karlas-ASD-Page/155369821204141

I loved it! Here it is:

The message posted with this photo is as follows:

"The three root causes of social communication differences in autistic people are directly impacted by said person’s ability to process sensory information. Both overall energy (need for down time or alone time) and real-time processing are affected when sensory processing skills are poor. 


It is absolutely ridiculous to think that teaching me social skills will help me in most social situation

s due to my severe sensory processing issues. I am lucky to process even some of what is said in most areas where there are more than 2 people gathered and talking.

It is mandatory that caregivers start to recognize some of the root causes of our social differences and to accommodate those versus forcing us into all these social skills classes.

Yes, if a person has no sensory processing issues and high abstraction abilities, it may help. The rest of us.... I think it hurts much more than it helps. Teach advocacy first!!! " - Karla's ASD Page


I was told when I was tested that I have high processing speed. However, I still require tons of alone time.  I have social anxieties because of bad past experiences (not distant past either, recent past too!). I can't process information well when there are other things going on around me. I DO take a long time to get to a point because I'm usually trying to figure out what I'm saying and how to say it.

The middle box struck me today. Just yesterday I had a disagreement about what is or isn't respectful with someone in a group I was admin in. There was a post that was, to my understanding, posted for the sole purpose of making fun of another person. Granted, the photo showed something that was not "normal" or "conventional", but the way that it was being shared with the purpose of teasing, making fun of and insulting another person was what bothered me. I felt the post was disrespectful. Top that off with a person who had just made it clear they wanted us (admins) to limit the invites to the group because we didn't want it to become a place where there was a lot of drama, and we all want respect for all members so we would all feel comfortable. We had done so good over election season, no political posts and arguements at all. It was great. However, this post had gone too far, and I simply started by saying that I hoped we wouldn't continue to post material like that. (Because if one person posts it, that opens the door to someone else posting something else, and someone else posting something else.. until someone goes too far.)

Anyway, it seemed, as the disagreement went on, that this other person and I had completely different understandings of the words "admin" and "respect". We did not share the SAME DEFINITIONS of these words. I am rather sure my definitions were the literal interpretations/definitions. The other person's definitions were definitely different, as it didn't appear making fun of someone fell under the category of disrespect.

See how this can create a problem? I wonder how many times in my life that I have taken a more literal meaning of a word or method or whatnot, and gotten into disagreements with others over certain topics because their meaning was completely generalized, or broken down to mean something else. I DO NOT see things the way other people do. I know that already. But I had never before broken it down into the fact that I literally take different meanings to words or ideas.

And now knowing this, how on earth do I explain it to another person? Am I going to have to walk around as a human dictionary, telling people my definition of words simply to avoid disagreement? It is a rather mind blowing idea, that my DEFINITIONS are so different that they are causing disagreement. This is rocking my world, in a good way.

This goes along with my post Diagnosis Is 90% Of The Cure. Each time I learn something else about Aspergers, I learn something else about myself, which gives me more tools and information about how to deal with the struggles I face DAILY in my life. It gives me a MORE EMPATHETIC view toward other people who have disagreed with me in the past, and it almost makes me more tolerant of those views simply because I can understand a difference in definition, for example!

Anyway, it rocks my world. And to have this post the day after the event I described is like such perfect timing that I know this journey that I am on is meant to be. I am going in the right direction, with purpose, for the first time in my life. I've never been more grateful for diagnosis.

Aspie Writers And "Reading My Mind"

I don't consider myself to be a very good writer. Even in online conversation, I rarely feel as if I have said what I want to say, how I want to say it, and in a way that gets the reader to really know and understand what I'm saying. The reason I feel this way is because typically, people do NOT understand what I have written, and they usually take it to mean things it doesn't mean. Typically my words are said to be "judgemental" or "rude". It's not that I set out to "tell someone off" or anything. So anyway, cutting that short, I don't feel I am a very good writer.

Therefore, I love reading other posts by more talented Aspie writers. They sometimes can get right to the heart of some aspect of Aspergers, without knowing me, without saying the wrong thing. It is amazing.

Today I am sharing another link. Again, I feel like the author has read my mind. This is exactly what I deal with. The reason I can't go without the internet. I need that ability to look up exactly what I need to know. It happens a lot. One example is with movies: I typically never watch a movie I haven't seen before without needing to look up some actor or actress in it. Last night I watched "Mansfield Park". I knew I recognized an actress in there, and of course, after googling, I saw, hey, ok! It's Miss Honey from Matilda. 

Anyway, it's not just that it's everything. If someone presents an opposing viewpoint to one I have (and it isn't a topic I've already researched) you can bet I'm googling. I usually don't take a person's word for it, I google. I read up on it. A lot more often, I compare a thought to my Faith, and I'm finding out more about my Faith through things that people would think are unrelated than anything.

Anyhow, here's the post link. Thank you Inner Aspie!

http://inneraspie.blogspot.com/2012/11/my-never-quiet-mind.html

Overwhelming Exhaustion

I haven't posted in a while again. I've not been feeling great, on top of exhausted! I am so tired, all the time. Virtually want to do absolutely nothing, which is hard with an extremely active almost 6 year old!

I'm trying to budget things out this month, and it's not looking great. We have B's birthday party the first weekend of December, and though I'm looking forward to it, the gas money and room money and present money is going to be a mystery. I'm trying to pay everything as soon as possible to be "ahead" and just focus on that stuff end of month, but we will see how it goes. I know my Lord always provides.

So, I'm sorry for the lack of posting, and the lack of quality Aspergers posting. :P 

Feeling Sick, Sensitivities, Feelings

Now, I know this is probably the only place I haven't made this announcement: I'm pregnant.

With my son, I consider the pregnancy the most perfect pregnancy ever. I wasn't sick, I felt great the entire time, and everything was perfect, just the way I imagined it to be.

And as the years went by (my son will be 6 the end of the month), I kept saying to myself I would probably pay with any other pregnancies. Especially if I actually got my girl, which is what I do want (and honestly, I already feel like it IS a girl). My mom was sick with me and my sister, but not so much with my brother, so I figured that was a sign.

This pregnancy, I am about 6 weeks in, and I am not feeling good. I wouldn't describe it as the nightmare of morning sickness with vomiting that everyone seems to have, but its a naggy, icky stomach. 

I don't know if this is the same for people with Aspergers or not, but I am a miserable sick person. It really makes no difference if I am throwing up, or if I just have an upset stomach, I probably react about the same. It is disabling. Everything bothers me. I am more cranky, I am hungry, but don't know what to eat (or what I should or can eat).... This isn't just from this pregnancy, I get motion sickness/car sickness, and this feels just about the same as that, and that makes me feel the same: cranky, hungry but don't know what to eat, and almost disabling. I can't do chores, I can't function normally as I would. I haven't done any homework with my son all week, and I feel bad; I really haven't done much with him at all. He is so great, independent, tolerates me just sitting there saying "yeah, ok, yeah, ok...". I felt much better yesterday, but today I am back to a bit sensitive stomach again. I'm pretty much down to cereal, bread with cheese, tortilla with cheese, applesauce/apples, yogurt (a recent discovery), fortune cookies... you know, bland food. 

I am simply a miserable sick person! It is like my physical symptoms of illness turns my head off as well. I am not interested in doing a whole lot of anything, and I'd like to sleep, but I don't really want to sleep all day leaving my son all alone all day long, that just isn't fair. So I just kinda mope around here.

I really hope that this is not going to last long. I mean, even if it lasts 3 months, that really isn't long, but it seems like an eternity on this side. 6 more weeks? Really? What am I going to do to function for 6 more weeks?

I think a part of it is sleep too. The night before last I got a TON of sleep, for whatever reason we went to bed around 8:30. So maybe its all sleep related, and maybe if I did allow myself a little nap, I would feel better. But I just haven't been able to do it.

As if my senses weren't already magnified, now they are even more so. Smell was not my friend with the pregnancy of my son, so I am not surprised that it isn't this time either.

Anyway, maybe I'm just complaning. Or maybe there are some other Aspiegirls out there who have had similar pregnancy experiences with the misery of what really shouldn't be miserable at all. Am I alone here? I think not...