Sunday, July 15, 2012

Short posts, Long posts

A part of all this, I tend to be long winded about things. 

I just got the app for blogger on my phone. However, I don't treat my phone the same; I do less on it than on a real computer. Mostly because its hard to see things well.

Anyway, I concluded that due to the fact that its more tedious to post from there, when and if I do, it will be a short post, probably about something more specific, during the course of my day.

When I have the chance to be online through a real computer, it will be a longer post, probably about something more reflective, as my other posts have been.

That being said, I will talk more about my "long posts".

I have a hard time filtering information. I know a lot about a lot. I have a lot of things that are connected. So when someone asks a question, I make the mistake of "flooding" them or "drowning" them with "too much information". In person this is because my eye contact ends after I start speaking. So I don't see any cues a person might make that its enough. (Granted, even if I WERE looking, I might not see them then either!)
So then I end up "in hot water" with people because they stop reading at a certain point (don't we all?) with some kind of response, and they don't read the rest of what I said to put what they read into context. 

This happens a lot. I mean, I just have a lot to "say". This happens more online than in person, so there's REALLY no cues there. No one on the other side of the computer stops you midsentence or something. 

What I really want is just to be "heard". People misunderstand, thinking that I want things to be my way, or that I talk like I know it all, or something. What they dont understand is, just like everyone else, I just want to be heard. I want to be told my thoughts are understood, and are valid and good thoughts. Especially if asked for advice, I give it. Especially if its something I have a passion for. (Weather, breastfeeding, attachment parenting,  religion). The ideas and suggestions I give are just ideas and suggestions (after all, you asked!), yet all the time I get told I'm judging or being pushy or something. 

Don't get me started on the fact that I don't agree with this "Don't Judge Me" attitude that every single person with a thought seems to have these days. I could be completely free of any judgemental thought or intent, and I get told "Don't judge ME!" Wait wait, I wasn't judging you! In MY mind, that person just blamed ME for their own self judgement. Don't involve me in your feelings of guilt! And, more simply, I am NOT responsible for your feelings. No one "makes" anyone else "feel" anything. You can CHOOSE to feel something, or you can choose not to.... but I digress...

I just want to be heard. I know everyone is going to make their own choices. I'm not clueless. But to know that when asked advice, I gave mine, even if the receiver didn't like it or agree to it, the least a person can do is "hear" me. 

One of those "listening" things. 
And by the way, the more I sense a person really "hears" me, the more I am able to "hear" them. I'm not completely out of touch with reality, but I do have a hard time feeling safe enough to "hear" someone else. I spent my whole childhood "hearing" other people talk about me, laugh at me, pick on me, and otherwise torture me. It's not safe in my head to hear someone else. 

That's complicated. I might have to explain more. But today, I'm very tired.


  1. I dont agree on feeling. If pple know you well, they do do things to make you feel. Esp if they know you have a hard time or what makes you tick. I think feelings are also programmed responses. Just like triggers. I cant stop myself from choosing to feel hurt or sad. I cant detach that way. I try. But i cant. I wish i could. At least moreso than i can lately. Oooof.

  2. P.s. totally agree on hearing others and childhood. My family was cruel. So were kids in Orr. Lol. Too funny.