Thursday, July 17, 2014


This is probably personal. I have bad short term memory. 

Do aspies have short term memory problems? 

I'm blaming it on the multitasking situation. I think when you have too many things you are thinking about, trying to do, or worried about... your memory suffers. I wonder what, if any, is the difference between aspies in these situations, and NTs. 

What's your experience?

Monday, July 14, 2014

That Wonderful Friend Miss Flow (Ladies Only)

If you are a guy, you probably won't be interested in what I have to say today. Or, you might, if you have an aspie wife or something. But anyway, I thought I would have a few words about this topic.

Since my diagnosis two years ago (Its only been two years? It feels like longer!), I haven't had that many periods. Not long before that I had the Mirena (a very evil spawn of satan device), so I hadn't had many periods for 3-4 years before that.
And, in the past 21 months, I haven't had a period at all, what with being pregnant, and breastfeeding. I'll tell you, I was not missing it (am I right ladies?!). 

Anyway, I came to a point in the past week or so where I was becoming very forgetful. Seriously I couldn't get out of the house without forgetting something, I would forget certain things I was supposed to do, if I was going to write to someone to ask something I would forget what I was going to ask, I would forget what I was doing and get distracted in the other room... some of this is normal, but it was much WORSE than normal. I usually have it together for the most part. I usually can handle things and usually if I forget what I was going to ask, I would eventually remember. I still haven't remembered (even though I know I wanted to ask so and so something). The other day I went to a grocery thing, and forgot a box to put things in, and I forgot my punch card - which was in my WALLET, which I also forgot (of course). 
I'm actually lucky my head is attatched. 

I also got VERY cranky. And I wouldn't just get mad or annoyed, I would get over the top, crazy insane lady, angry, and I could go on and on and on with my rants over whatever stupid thing was happening.

I'm told that as we go forward here, it should get better. Just don't know what to do with all these hormones (does that mean I'm like a hormonal teenager?). 

Anyway, it led me to wondering how us aspie ladies deal with our periods? 

Our periods are something, it seems, most women remember getting. Usually they remember how old they were, even the specific day or the story of the day. Me? I have no idea. I know sometime between the ages of 10-14 I started. I don't remember it being a big deal, or a significant day or anything. I remember mom told us about it and every time anything even looked pink down there I would be like "is THIS it?" and she would be like "no". But I only remember that being a few times. I don't remember how old I was, where I was, or anything. 

And so it goes. I never was good at keeping track of when it started and ended. I don't even know if I knew it was coming until I got crampy. Then as an adult I was on bc for several years, then pregnant, then on the Mirena (aka the devil), then off. Now we do fertilitycare. I am now good at keeping track of E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. regarding my cycle. It's critical because if I don't we can easily "fail" the intention of what we are trying to do (or not do). It's easier than it sounds.

But as far as PMS symptoms, I couldn't really tell you what is naturally normal for me. It's been too long since I was really naturally normal. Most of the last year before I got pregnant, I was not bc dependent, I was progesterone deficient, so my periods were still not "right". They were lighter than normal. So really, its been so long I haven't a clue what they are supposed to be like anymore. And like I said, I wasn't missing it!

But this was crazy. I felt totally out of control. I felt like I could not shut my mouth, I felt exhausted and lightheaded sometimes. And so angry. 

I wonder if there is a difference between aspie women's periods and NT women's periods. If you are a woman, please let me know! Obviously, we might not find out anything on this small of a blog, but it is worth the discussion. Someone, somewhere, sometime will be googling this....

Tuesday, July 8, 2014


So, I have over 12,000 views! And 16 followers! That seems amazing! Welcome anyone who may be new, and thanks for following and reading.

I love suggestions about things you may want to talk about. 

I'm going to just write a quick note about something I thought of randomly. Adults with Aspergers.

This whole idea that there is an epidemic of autism is not something I agree with. I look all over the place and I see adults who have so many of the characteristics and signs of Aspergers, it is amazing. And don't tell me I'm making things up, because if anyone knows an Aspie, its an Aspie. 

The point is that we are out there. We are in the thousands and hundreds of thousands and maybe millions. We are undiagnosed and functioning in society. We have jobs, spouses, kids and homes. We can make it on our own or with our partners. Some of us still live at home with our parents, but the economy doesn't make it easy on normal folks, it only makes things more difficult for those of us with struggles. We are perfectly capable of reading and adapting to situations, after all, we've had decades of practice. Think about it; any adult Aspie has had 20 years practicing in social situations. We know what works, what doesn't work, and we watch and take in details pretty quickly so we learn in different situations what works and doesn't work then too. 

So the next time you think you are encountering someone who may be difficult, who is passionate about something to the ignorance of anyone's feelings, someone who is a bit quirky or different, even frustratingly so.... consider for a moment that there are thousands and maybe millions of us who are undiagnosed, and who will remain undiagnosed for our entire lives. People in their 20s, 50s and 90s may be Aspies. Give people a break. Stop and try to be kind and understanding. Get to know us, and give us some credit that even though we might be sometimes mysterious and quirky, we are also going to be your fiercely loyal friends. You don't really want to miss out on that do you?

Friday, July 4, 2014

I Am Autism?

The buzz around the interwebs these days is this idea of whether or not autism "identifies" people. Am I autism? Or do I only "have" autism? Both those with autism, and those with children who have autism have weighed in on this, and it seems that there is a division between those two groups as well. Having autism and not having it but having a child with it makes a difference. Having a child with autism is not the same as having autism.

There are a lot of writers and video blog posters who have said it better than I probably will, but I am going to do my best to try anyway. 

I am diagnosed with autism (aspergers). I am fairly certain that my son also has autism (aspergers). I am as certain about his having it as I was about me. I've seen it inside and out and backwards and forwards. 

First I will give my perspective as someone WITH autism, since that came first. My perspective on this is that I have autism, and that autism is a HUGE part of me. I would go as far as to say that I am autism. It is me and I am it. There is no separating my autistic parts from who I am as a person, and who I am as a human. Everything about who I am today is a direct result of my autism. There is no cure, there is no erasing autism from who I am. It is there, and it is absolutely impossible to remove and separate from me to show the non-autistic parts. Autism = me and I = autism.

As a parent, I can understand the temptation to reject autism as being a permanent part of our children. After all, our children face a lot of struggles and difficulties, and we want to protect them from that, or cure them from that. We want our kids to be "like" other kids, and not have to struggle or be hurt.

 In addition to that instinctive parenting feeling, the majority of the thinking about and around autism is that it is a pretty negative, grim situation to be in. No matter what our progess thus far on disabilities not stopping anyone from doing anything they set their mind to, having autism in any way seems to imply to people that it is a difficult and disabling disorder. There are all these negative terms involved, like disability, disorder, social inadequacy, inability to speak or otherwise relate to others, and that we are only introverted people who ignore the presence of others and live in their own little world. 

Parents, if you are not autistic, remember that you still cannot speak for how your child feels about autism. Even I myself have had people seem to discount my diagnosis, as if there are separate parts of me that are "normal" and parts of me that are "not normal = autistic", and that I'm "fine", or just like everybody else. This thinking is offensive to me because I know myself, and I am not "fine" or just like everybody else. I am not a separate person from the autism parts of me. Even the professional who conducted my testing wasn't fully convinced that I was autistic, but when we went through the testing, she was completely blown away by the obvious and clear results on the autism test itself. 

Thinking back on my life as a whole to this point, I cannot determine any piece of my life that isn't somehow touched or affected by autism.

If I removed the social difficulties that I struggled with as a child, who would I be? Would I have grown up the outsider, loner? As a result, would I have turned to my teachers as my friends, and reached for a higher standard of behavior because I was trying harder to relate to them than my peers? Would I have been the kind of person who stood by what was right, or would I have bent to the popularity contests? Would I have been the kind of kid willing to wear what I was bought instead of working and buying clothes that are 4 times as much but last 1/4 as long? Would I have grown up to be an adult with a strong and passionate sense of right and wrong, or would I be trying to keep living up to the popularity contest that still rules in my hometown? Who would I be without that social difficulty? I may not be someone with lots of friends, but I have a very strong sense of self, and I'm not convinced that I would have gotten that without being a bit separate from everyone else my whole life, attaining to the higher standard of my teachers instead of my peers. 

If I could remove the part of me that is a bit obsessive, would I be the passionate, informed person that I am? Would I be someone who feels so strongly about a decision because I spent hours researching it, or would I just accept what someone else told me and end up unhappy because their outcome is not one I would have chosen if I had all the information? If I hadn't been obsessed with pregnancy and birth, would I have taken in thousands of pages of information and experiences to empower me to have two beautiful and perfect completely natural and fast births? Would I have been able to even deal with a high needs baby who was tongue and lip tied (though we are only now finding that out and he's 7)? Would I have continued to breastfeed even when it was uncomfortable and frequent? If I didn't obsess over the information and obsess over how good it is and how much I disliked the alternatives, would I have kept at it? I'm not certain. Taking away everything I know is related to my autism takes away everything that I value about myself. Taking away the struggles would mean I would have turned out to be a very different person.

(I realize that people can do the things I have done without autism, but I'm not talking about people in general, I'm talking about me personally and specifically.)

Therefore, I am autism. Autism is me. You can't say I'm autistic, and that I'm normal. I am most definitely NOT "normal" in relation to the world. 

I will also add my religious faith based perspective as well. I do not believe God makes mistakes. I do not believe that God creates children to be born with different abilities without a reason. I do not believe that all the struggles aren't for a purpose.

In John 9, Jesus heals a man who was born blind. The story goes like this: 
 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."

I may be 31 years old, and I may not really know or understand what works of God will be displayed in me, or what works of God have been displayed in me. I may not completely understand what my specific gift is and how autism plays into that, but I do know that it does. There is a reason. Even if clinging to God out of pure stubbornness to NOT believe is the only reason, it is enough. Autism isn't a disease, or a condition that I have to endure. It is how my brain works, it is who I am, and how I became who I am.

There is not a whole lot we can do about people who are dead and gone, but looking back on the past, many researchers say that people like Einstein or Thomas Jefferson were likely autistic. Famous inventors, musicians, composers, and artists, as well as today's technology geniuses have a lot of the characteristics and symptoms of autism. These people changed and are changing the world, and they are the ones who were obsessive enough to do it. Would you have failed hundreds of times and kept going? Would you have dropped out of school but still rocked the world? Would you spend every waking moment working on your thoughts, ideas and inventions? Would you be able to go for weeks and months working on a project at the expense of your social life? If you look at it that way, it seems having a successful social life would be a bad thing when it comes to inventing and creating. You have to be so obsessed that you wouldn't even be able to sleep until you've completed what you're trying to do.

So, for those of you who aren't autistic, think about this. For those of you who have a child or other family member or friend with autism, consider what you believe about this, and why. More importantly, consider how people who have autism feel about it, including your child or family member or friend. Be aware of what you say and how you react to their feelings on it, because saying that their autism isn't a part of who they are may very well be the same as saying that the way your brain works isn't a part of who you are. It's like saying that how you think and understand things doesn't have an effect over who you are. Don't reject our feelings to comfort yourself. It's not about you, it's just who I am.

Autism is who I am. I have autism. I am autism.