Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Thinking Back To College

It was discovered today that one of the years I was in college they had something I didn't remember them having: a gun room.

It doesn't bother me, I'm not anti gun, and actually it is cool that they have that. People up here are outdoors people, and that includes hunting. I can't remember there EVER being any issues with anyone shooting anyone at that school, or any other school up here for that matter. 

But what I realized most is that there were probably lots of things that were there, happening, or whatever, that I don't remember. I know this not just because of the gun room, but because there are pictures of me being places that I have no memory of being doing things I have no memory of doing. 

I do have a lot of memories, but there are other things that are completely gone. Strange.

I think I know what happens tho. 

I think that when you are under new circumstances that are stressful, or overwhelming, your tired brain has to choose what it's going to remember or focus on. I could have walked right into that gun room and not remembered it because it was not relevant information to me. I didn't have a gun, so I had no reason to know where the room was, much less use it. 

Does that make sense? Really, if my brain was overloaded, I had no ability whatsoever to learn anything new, take in anything new, or pay attention to details that had nothing to do with me.

Things aren't much different today. I have three kids, so if it doesn't have much to do with keeping three children alive, I probably wont remember it without prodding. I have to put anything I need to remember into my "brain" - aka phone calendar - in case something unexpected happens and I forget what day it is or that I had something to do. 

I do not have the processing ability to remember anything that isnt urgent or right before me. :P 

Such is life with an overwhelmed brain I guess.

That all being said, I still remember details of things better than most people. I remember things people said and how they said it and I swear sometimes they don't even remember.
But sometimes, there's just no ability.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Checking In, Anxiety Lessened

I just hopped over to my blog to post it somewhere, and I was reminded that the last post I was talking about the horrible anxiety.

THANKFULLY, the anxiety has lessened. I don't know when or how, exactly, but it did seem to go down a bit when I did two things:
1. Gave myself a rule that I wasn't going to look at one certain thing that was giving my anxiety.
2. Signed up for not one, but two, different counseling things.

I've already had a couple of sessions with the one - it's over the phone. This lady is fabulous. I've already discovered a couple of things about myself that I didn't realize, so I'm making progress. Maybe this time we can actually figure out solutions (or replacements) for my worrisome anxieties and help me to get better, not just to get to ground level and just wait around for the next depression to drown me. 

I like that a lot. I still worry, right now. I still wonder. I had a quick doctor's appt, which basically did nothing to help since she didn't actually do any testing. But I have a complete physical the end of the month, so maybe I will feel better then.

But I have work to do. I don't like work. But it's something I'll have to do because I want to be better, not keep falling down all the time.

So that's just a quick catch up.

Word to the wise: Don't try to go it alone. Don't try to tell yourself, like I have, that you will feel better and it's ok. Get help. Don't live like this. You don't deserve to feel this way. You don't have to feel this way for a day longer. Just get help. Don't worry about the money, you're losing money dealing with this depression, or anxiety, or whatever. Just get help. 

Thursday, July 13, 2017

I Am SOOOOO Done With Anxiety

I don't know why. I don't know what. All I know is that for several months now I have been hit hard with some awful, terrible, no good, very bad, overwhelming, life altering, drop dead anxiety, and no matter what I do so far, I can't kick it.

I could take a walk (or two) every day.
I could eat better (but I do eat rather okay mostly I think).
I could pray and read the Bible more.
I could listen to better music.
I could watch less TV.
I could use screens less.
I could exercise.

But you know what? I really can't. It's almost as if you know the cure is just a foot away, and you can't take one step to get there. You're paralyzed. 

All the info out there telling people what they should do, how they can cure, recover, heal, whatever. All of it means nothing when you literally feel so overwhelmed you just want to sit on the couch all day watching movies (or letting the kids watch movies) and play nonsense on your phone.

We haven't had insurance either, so I haven't been able to just go see my doctor. Applying for insurance while self employed is no easy thing. They have these nice little "assistants" to help you apply, but when I went to see her, she wouldn't even look at what I had, I had to have calculated some perfect and pretty little number for her before I came. And that's the PROBLEM - I don't know how. I had to have some serious back and forth with our accountant to figure it out and I still honestly do not know if its going to be okay. I submitted it, finally, after two months since having it restarted (not counting the 6 months of not knowing what to do, figuring we could use our tax return, finding out we had to cancel the kids in order to reapply for all of us, finding out we couldn't use last years tax return at all...). That is finally not hanging over my head anymore.

But they will come back and ask for proofs, I'm sure. Then I'll have to send them our handwritten documentation (because that's just how we are doing it at this point) and they will probably not have a clue what they are doing and will make it a huge mess. So, I may have submitted the forms, but I still can't see my doctor because it isn't finalized yet. B lost his insurance too so they won't even send his lady until thats sorted out too. I figured they would just wait for reapplying and back pay, but I guess not. So that's a major bummer as well.

Then it rains this dreary, cold rain for like 2 days and I feel so terrible!

Its just over a week until we leave on our big trip.

It makes me wonder if this big trip is what's causing me so much anxiety! I mean, it is a bit daunting, thinking of traveling so far (for the first time as a family), into the mountains a bit (which can be both scary roads and height sickness - tho I hope the little mountains will be ok), with three kids, one of which is a suspicious toddler.. but I thought I was excited about it! I have it all "under control" - I have started my list writing so I don't forget anything I think I need, but I still feel stressed out about getting it all packed. You can't really pack your clothes and not wear clothes all week. 

And hubby ends up not working, after only 3 days of good hauling again, because they have to move to a new job now. Seriously, I'm not prepared for that. We are still learning what it is like, what it is going to look like, working for ourselves. The money is better but there are other responsibilities too, plus waiting around if its "too wet to work", which is what it's been like pretty much all spring.

I just have so many fears, and as a Christian we are told that we are not to fear, that we are to give them to God.
Why do I find that so much easier said than done?
Why do I just pray and pray in my mind and in the night that God would just take this all from me, that I would be able to wake and live in peace like I had been before this all started, only to find it constantly crippling me?

I've been working on my perfectionism - listening to a great podcast about it. I'm learning quite a lot, and I feel like I can let go of some of that perfectionism, and especially since having #3, I have come a long way.

But I think the devil knows that I'm trying to break free, and so in response he is trying to drag me down even deeper into his horrible, depressive pit.

I think it seems to work around my cycle too, proving that it's probably related to my hormones again. They could suppliment my hormones, but if they do that my milk would dry up, and I feel like if there is one thing I'm doing well in my life, one thing that's going well, one thing that's making me feel like I'm succeeding at something, anything. 

I just want to be past this portion of life. I want to be over it. I guess no, I don't want to go back to the more superficial life, but I want to not get so overwhelmed. I want to be less tired all the time. I want to feel like going outside and doing things. I want to be happier, and healthier. I want to be able to have the strength, motivation and energy to do the things that will make me happier and healthier.

I don't know. I just know that I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I'm trapped about how to get out of it. Right now, as I said, insurance is keeping me from seeing my doctor and getting physically (and hormonally) checked out. So now I feel tied down to someone else's ability to act on things so I can act on my end. :( 

I'll get through this, I always do. God always brings me healing after depressive episodes. In the meantime though, I'm left to suffer through it minute by minute some days.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Tired and Overwhelmed = Mean

I've taken a little self reflection and it didn't take much to realize that I have a problem: when I get tired and overwhelmed, I lose any and all amounts of patience and I get "mean".

I don't want to do this, so how do I figure this out?

This is a super short post, but it's just something I'm throwing this out there...

Monday, May 22, 2017

Secondary Disturbance

So, I recently heard about this thing called 'secondary disturbance', and it was something I had never considered. How many times, I wonder, have I been anxious about being anxious?

When I was in school, I would regularly get a sick and icky feeling quite often, but even more often when it was winter, or dark and cloudy, or something sad/bad/frustrating was going on. It was a feeling as if the world was all in grey. My stomach would just ache and feel horrible, and all kinds of other random things.

On the rare occassion that I would feel okay, I wonder how many times I psyched myself into being sick again just by worrying about whether or not I was going to feel sick again. 

Anyone else have a similar experience?

I think I'm doing it to myself lately, since I have frequently not been feeling well. I think I may have been a bit anemic, and switching up a vitamin I seem to be feeling mostly better. But I am still occassionally having a stomachache that I think fits this description of 'secondary disturbance' better. I may just be worried that I might feel sick again, and feeling sick makes me feel panicky that something else is wrong, and I'm literally making myself sick worrying about feeling sick and worrying that being sick means something is seriously wrong with me!

Anyway, short post today, but I had to get that off my chest.