Monday, March 13, 2017

Go All Out!

I'm not really a risk taker. I don't have any desire to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, IF you could get me ON the airplane in the first place! I won't ever feel the need to bungee jump just to prove something, it's not on my bucket list or something. I don't want to do things that make me scared because I have enough stress, anxieties and fears, I don't need to purposely do more things...

But I have noticed that there have been a few times when I did things that were pretty risky!

I don't consider getting married young "risky". In fact, I encourage it. Don't make a life and try to fit someone else in it, get married and then make a life together. That's kinda the point. When you make your own life, you end up kinda stubborn and unwilling to accept someone else's mess. Anyway, I digress.

However, when I got married, I took a risk. It wasn't the spouse, the dress, the age, the timing. It was the location.
We got married outside, at the lake near where we grew up. 

Did I have a back up location? Nope. I just prayed it wouldn't rain. It didn't. Not even close. But if it had? I had NO backup. I have no idea what we would have done. Maybe we would have gotten married in the rain? I don't know. I guess we would have had some friends pull some strings at the Lutheran Church, which would have been the biggest in town. But I had no plan. 

I did something else too like that.

I had a homebirth without backup.
I mean, I know where we would have gone, just for simplicities sake, but I probably would have wanted to go to my "normal doctor" in the other town. But still, I had no backup. I didn't talk to them and ask if they would be there if we transferred. Though I think this is probably normal for homebirths, I was thinking about it the other day and made the connection between this risk and the wedding location risk. I had NO backup. I went ALL IN on my plans, and just prayed it wouldn't rain, and that nothing would go wrong.

I am so lucky. Everything went just fine, and beautiful, and I have these two incredible experiences. 

Maybe someday I will jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

As long as its a foot from the ground.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Anxiety, My Old Friend, Nice To See You

It has been tough lately again. Mostly, inside. However, as you might expect, what is inside comes outside. Tho, I honestly don't feel as if things on the outside are much different. So I don't know.

I've been plagued with non stop anxiety about this thing or that thing, this means that and that means this. OH NO I'M DYING. Know what I mean? If you don't suffer from anxiety, then you probably don't. 

It has been a little out of control lately and it has to stop.

I just don't know exactly how.

I have gotten over a couple of little things I was freaking out about - thanks to prayer and logic. However, once one thing eases up, another thing pops up.

So now I've got a crazy numb tingle down a leg, and I'm sure it means my bad posture has caught up with me and I'm giving myself back problems. I probably should be seeking out some help with massage or chiropractic. Somehow the thought of setting that up, finding somewhere for the kids to be, leaving them for an hour (the little one mostly), and actually going to things makes me stressed out.

It is actually that I have to do some kind of muscle therapy, strengthening, physical therapy. Only our insurance is in flux right now - we didn't renew because we didn't have enough information to give them for income. Of course.

So many balls in the air and none of them are going to be caught it seems like. I don't know.

I don't really like this. I don't really think it's fun. Go ahead, say all the cliche things. However don't forget that if I could just make it go away, I wouldn't have invited it to come and stay in the first place!
So have patience with me. Give me your tips. Send me your prayers. Thanks.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Overwhelm In Florida

Part of the fun of being an adult diagnosed aspie is looking back at my life, and even remembering specific moments, and being able to explain to myself, or others, why things were a certain way for me, or why I behaved a certain way.

I thought of just one of those times recently, and I couldn't get it out of my head. So I get to put that to words now!

When I was in school, we got to take a band trip to Florida for an All American Music Festival! It was literally a once in a lifetime opportunity. They didn't return to Florida for that again until last year, 15-16 years after we went (or so). We had the band, choir and a smaller group of us in show choir! Basically, for a few years, or one year, they had a required class up against choir in the schedule. So many of us couldn't take choir, so we made up our own choir group that met in the morning before school, and we did show tunes and stuff like that. We sang and did choreography. It was pretty genius, looking back.

Well, when we went, of course it included things like Disneyworld, Epcot, and Animal Kingdom (if I remember right).

I think the moment I am thinking of was after a long day at Disneyworld. Now, it's March, but in Florida. We left Minnesota in snow, and came back to more sticky wet snow (which felt great on sunburns). So it was warm. And you've just stuck an undiagnosed aspie into a VERY busy place. I had a pretty good time, despite being hung out to dry by a friend. She teased me about calling my favorite teacher, really strung me along quite a while, then flipped the switch and started calling me a freak and really spazzing out on me. I ended up in my mom's room (she was a chaperone, luckily) and ended up wandering around with her. But still, as fun as it might have been, and as beautiful and exciting, after a long day doing that, I was pretty much exhausted. I wasn't just tired physically either, I was emotionally exhausted. Top that off with some overstimulation (which none of us would have realized was happening) and you have a pretty unhappy picture!

So, we get to the parking lot and something had happened with the buses, like ours wasn't there or the one there had broke down or something. I don't remember. But I know there was a long long wait for our bus. And because they were bored, they decided we would do some of our songs or something. Which doesn't bother me, until they wanted to do show choir songs and choreography. I DID NOT WANT TO. I don't know how long it went on, but I did NOT want to do it. I tried to tell them I was tired, I didn't feel like it, just do it without me, just leave my place open or whatever in the lines and just do it themselves. But they would NOT leave me alone and finally forced me to do it. I hated the fact that I was ignored and disrespected and it marred my experience. A lot of that came from the fact that no one understood my needs or why I felt that way. 

Looking back now, I know I was just overwhelmed, and forcing someone to cooperate or socialize, who's spent all day in a loud, noisy, sunny, hot walkabout isn't really a good idea.

I still to this day do not know what their problem was with just doing it without me. There is no reason that they had to force me to do it. I really don't. They could have done it without me while I continued to recover from the day. Then oddly so many people called it a highlight. Really? A highlight, but at my expense. Thanks.

I see my son all the time becoming uncooperative and overwhelmed and not wanting to participate. There are many times when it is unavoidable and he has to continue the course. But when there are situations when we can avoid it, we put him somewhere where he can be alone and get over it himself. That is very effective, actually.
Had they just left me alone, they wouldn't have aggravated me more than I already was, and I might have joined in when I was ready all on my own without their forceful coercion. That would have made the experience much happier, and comfortable, and memorable.

Which leads into just a general comment on respect. 

We as humans need to start paying attention to our own actions. We need to accept that people can only give what they give, do what they do, offer what they offer, whatever. We often have expectations of people that are not always fair. We can't expect everyone to be the same. Worse is when you have to realize that you can't expect everyone to be the same kind of person you are. I've lost friends over this. When you expect people will drive the same mile for you that you do for them, you will eventually be disappointed. And with some people, you will be disappointed OFTEN. 

We need to give people their autonomy. We need to be able to ask them to participate, and not force them. We need to accept a "no" for an answer, and let them join in when they are ready. Having an argument and forcing them will only lead to scars. I know it did for me. I don't lose sleep at night, but I can still hear their critical voices basically telling me I was stupid for trying to stand up for my own needs to recover. Their voices still ring in my head as clear as if it were yesterday.

Some people will remember things like that too. They will remember the scars you left behind, but not so much any good you did.

And again, teenagers have brain damage, and don't act rationally. :P 

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Drowning In Illness:: Holiday Recap

I forgot to check the last time I made a post. But I can be almost certain it was before October 2016, right?
We have had almost non stop illness since October/November. Thanksgiving thru now has found someone sick on every single day it seems. Although, it takes me longer to recover from the stress and overwhelm of having sick kids, so I always feel like they are sicker longer than they are because I'm still forced to try to recover.

Top that off with an extra dose of naughtiness (maybe due to the sickness?) and it has made for one heck of a fall/winter so far. We don't normally get sick very often, so this has been very unusual and taxing. And we don't seem to be alone, so many people are sick, even up to the Queen.

I managed to get most of normal Christmas stuff done. However it took me much much longer than normal. One kid won't stay in bed in the morning, one kid won't stay in bed at night, and yet another won't even go to sleep or stop crying long enough for me to wrap presents. It was interesting, having to spread it all out over several days and weeks. I don't like it. 

I still have a few presents to wrap. Luckily, my siblings didn't come for Christmas, so all their presents are still here, even if some are unwrapped. I hope to get to them, but it's really hard. I even had to finish a present for my dad and was kinda glad I didn't see them on Christmas because I couldn't finish in time. 

It was hectic.
I was stressed.
I've been and continue to be overwhelmed.
I don't like it.

My husband is being patient with me about the tree being up. I don't want to take it down before my siblings have been here and done presents. It is fine to maintain it being up. But with undetermined plans for my siblings whether they will come up or not, I don't know how long we will have to wait.

Part of the problem too has been the weather. With a huge Christmas day storm, and then a storm New Years night - 2nd as well, it left pretty much little to no travel safety for them to come here. My brother was off all week but his girlfriend wasn't, so they couldnt come up either when the weather was good.

It's hard to not feel as if I'm just not a priority to some people. This isn't just about Christmas or New Years, I feel like this often. If someone hasn't talked to me in a while, or something like that, I get all confused as to what the "rules" are of our friendship. I mean, to me, a friend should talk to you, think about you, post silly things to you (see the online friendship rule there?), and send you pictures or something. They should be interested in what you are interested in.

When they aren't, I just automatically assume our friendship isn't close, or worthy of paying attention to, or something. Like, distance (which is true of 99.9% of all my friendships) keeps them from being an actual part of my life, but online should help, shouldn't it?

I hate when things are always one sided too. Many a friendship ends because it's only one sided. If you are doing all the driving, all the present buying or card sending, all the talking.... and they are never responding, it's not worth it. At least, not to me. I mean, if people are on social media, and you comment on their stuff, shouldn't they at least 'like' your comments or your own posts or something? Something so that you know they are communicating? 

I'm kinda getting away from my talking of the holiday overwhelm,  and illness overwhelm, but alas.

I think we had a really good Christmas season anyway. We got great presents for the kids. Hubby's working for himself really afforded us the ability to do things we wouldn't have been able to before. My favorite part of Christmas isn't what I get anymore, but seeing people we know get things from us, things we bought and chose for them. Hubby's parents are so great lately, and I've taken a new appreciation of them or something, and we really got them quite a few things this year. The typical ornaments and pictures we would get usually, but MIL likes tablecloths, and usually only has the ones that hang down. They slide all over, and it's pretty difficult to use them with our kids around. So we bought them some with elastic in them, even a clear one so they can use it over their old tablecloths, as well as over their pretty table if they wanted. And puzzles. They love puzzles, and usually get quite a few of those going over the winter. One I had given to my grandma before she died, I gave to them. We actually put it together here at the house Christmas day. That was fun. :) We don't do puzzles much anymore because children, fingers, and pieces finding the floor. :P

Anyway, I keep trying to refocus on the joy people have had with the things we (I - since I do the shopping) got them. I just LOVE getting things for people and really the only excuse I ever get to do it is Christmas.

It's sad that it didn't turn out with as much family as normal, and that we still are waiting for my siblings. Still, it was happy, and full of those blessings we often take advantage of. Food, Warmth, Strength, Good Health (despite slight illnesses which in perspective are really no big deal), Having Enough and THEN SOME. 

We are truly lucky. Some days I realize that we are really lucky. 

Friday, November 11, 2016

Yes, More. Friendships SUCK

Have I mentioned yet that I have huge trouble with friendships?

First of all, meeting people and making friends. Pretty much impossible without some kind of outside intervention. I don't seek out social opportunity. And usually I try to avoid talking to people when I am out. It usually takes them being completely outgoing and unconcerned that I try to not talk to them. And I suppose most of the time that is why us introverts get called things like "snobby" or "stuck up". Trust me, that is the farthest thing from what we are. All those terms do is shove us back into hiding, and reaffirm our fears that people suck.

I am an all in or nothing kind of person. If I want to be your friend, I'll want to dive in headfirst. I'll want to invite you to things, talk to you about anything, tell you my life's story pretty much.

And again, I think that makes people think im "pushy" or "nosy"... so I've gotten to the point where if you don't offer up the information, I probably am not going to ask. Or, I'll have to spend crazy amounts of time convincing myself that it's okay to ask something. Then I'll probably chicken out a million times, and end up asking you over social media. Because #introvertsrollthatway

Then there's distance.
And even when there isn't distance, there's busy-ness. Being too busy. 
Then there's the lack of return communication. That could mean either they don't respond to me in a conversational way (like, they answer questions so briefly that I feel embarassed I asked them anything), or they see the message AND DON'T RESPOND AT ALL! CURSE YOU SOCIAL MEDIA FOR LETTING US KNOW WHEN PEOPLE VIEWED THINGS!!

That is the worst. I mean, you KNOW that social media shows me you saw it. And you don't respond?

There are rare occasions when I would not respond after reading something, and one of those is when I'm having a bit of a rough time with someone. I have learned, the HARD WAY, to step back a couple of days when having an issue with someone. I get it, I hate it too when someone doesn't respond when they viewed my message.

And don't get me started about not returning text messages, ever. (BROTHER!!!)

But the thing is, friendships suck. I can't stand it. There are all these unspoken rules, there are all these expectations, and I get let down all the time. I think someone is my friend, then they seem like they are completely ignoring me! I can't figure it out! Then they act like they're my bestie for like 5 minutes, and then again we're back to the doubt and the inactivity and the ignoring, or something. 

I don't consider myself a high maintenance person. I don't expect people to hang around me all the time or something.
But a little interaction couldn't hurt, right? 

I think part of friendships is to make each other feel good, right? And there's the not so good parts where they help you grow.
But the ignoring? The half answers?

I feel like I can trust someone, then they just leave me hanging? I mean, I come to you for help, or advice, or something and you just give me nothing, or you give me barely something?

I end up feeling like they hate me. Like I'm just an annoyance taking up their precious time. 

I guess in another post tonight I touched on the fact that I shouldn't expect people to act like I would act in a situation.
But what if I can't help it?
What if I prefer to think people would take the time, and they don't, and I still end up hurt?

I feel like I bond with someone, and they don't agree. Like, unrequited love or something, only this is unrequited friendship.

It is very frustrating and heartbreaking. 

I'm really tired of it.