Friday, November 11, 2016

Yes, More. Friendships SUCK

Have I mentioned yet that I have huge trouble with friendships?

First of all, meeting people and making friends. Pretty much impossible without some kind of outside intervention. I don't seek out social opportunity. And usually I try to avoid talking to people when I am out. It usually takes them being completely outgoing and unconcerned that I try to not talk to them. And I suppose most of the time that is why us introverts get called things like "snobby" or "stuck up". Trust me, that is the farthest thing from what we are. All those terms do is shove us back into hiding, and reaffirm our fears that people suck.

I am an all in or nothing kind of person. If I want to be your friend, I'll want to dive in headfirst. I'll want to invite you to things, talk to you about anything, tell you my life's story pretty much.

And again, I think that makes people think im "pushy" or "nosy"... so I've gotten to the point where if you don't offer up the information, I probably am not going to ask. Or, I'll have to spend crazy amounts of time convincing myself that it's okay to ask something. Then I'll probably chicken out a million times, and end up asking you over social media. Because #introvertsrollthatway

Then there's distance.
And even when there isn't distance, there's busy-ness. Being too busy. 
Then there's the lack of return communication. That could mean either they don't respond to me in a conversational way (like, they answer questions so briefly that I feel embarassed I asked them anything), or they see the message AND DON'T RESPOND AT ALL! CURSE YOU SOCIAL MEDIA FOR LETTING US KNOW WHEN PEOPLE VIEWED THINGS!!

That is the worst. I mean, you KNOW that social media shows me you saw it. And you don't respond?

There are rare occasions when I would not respond after reading something, and one of those is when I'm having a bit of a rough time with someone. I have learned, the HARD WAY, to step back a couple of days when having an issue with someone. I get it, I hate it too when someone doesn't respond when they viewed my message.

And don't get me started about not returning text messages, ever. (BROTHER!!!)

But the thing is, friendships suck. I can't stand it. There are all these unspoken rules, there are all these expectations, and I get let down all the time. I think someone is my friend, then they seem like they are completely ignoring me! I can't figure it out! Then they act like they're my bestie for like 5 minutes, and then again we're back to the doubt and the inactivity and the ignoring, or something. 
Seriously.

I don't consider myself a high maintenance person. I don't expect people to hang around me all the time or something.
But a little interaction couldn't hurt, right? 

I think part of friendships is to make each other feel good, right? And there's the not so good parts where they help you grow.
But the ignoring? The half answers?

I feel like I can trust someone, then they just leave me hanging? I mean, I come to you for help, or advice, or something and you just give me nothing, or you give me barely something?

I end up feeling like they hate me. Like I'm just an annoyance taking up their precious time. 

I guess in another post tonight I touched on the fact that I shouldn't expect people to act like I would act in a situation.
But what if I can't help it?
What if I prefer to think people would take the time, and they don't, and I still end up hurt?

I feel like I bond with someone, and they don't agree. Like, unrequited love or something, only this is unrequited friendship.

It is very frustrating and heartbreaking. 

I'm really tired of it.

Processing Speed, Decision Making, Changing Your Mind Pt2

So, where I really intended to go was to the point of decision making.

We all make decisions every day. Won't dwell on that more than I have to. Sometimes, in some phases of life, decisions are harder to make. Side note: I've been having a really hard time making decisions lately. I think my brain is all used up with raising a family. And for now, that's okay. So if I forget you, or something important, just remind me. Sometimes I will take longer to decide on whether or not to do something, or what to do in general. I'm working on it. :P 

But what I really wanted to get at is this..
When you make a decision, be confident in it! 

Don't worry about what your friends are going to say, or your family, or your doctor, your neighbors, or the stranger on the street.

It shouldn't matter.

Obviously, you have a spouse, then there's two of you and it might be harder to come to decisions on some things, but you still have to have a united front.

But to anyone else outside of your spouse, it should not matter what anyone thinks of your decisions.

Just. Make. The. Decision.

Once you make it, it's done. Right? Isn't that the way it is with everyone else? Maybe it's just me?

Like I said in my last post, when  I was diagnosed she said because of my SUPERHIGH processing speed, I tend to make decisions and I make them FIRM as concrete. It's gonna take some really hard info to make me change my mind about something.

And, for the most part, I can't think of a time when I (we) chose something and it ruffled my feathers when someone else thought the opposite of my (our) personal decisions.

I'm not the only one, this I know. 

The thing that drives me crazy is people who can't seem to get that confidence I think they should have over their own decisions. They get mad at me, tell me that their decisions are theirs to make, whatever. But they are not confident in their own decisions. I mean, if they were, wouldn't they not be bothered no matter who was telling them something the contrary?

I guess we are all probably guilty of the same thing: thinking that others tick like we do. I do see how many different ways I think others should be like me. Wow, that sounds like a terrible statement. Who am I to think I'm so special as to think anyone else should be like me?
Logically, though, if you make your own decisions, should it really matter what anyone else says? I guess maybe it's just me who thinks that.

Processing Speed, Decision Making, Changing Your Mind Pt1

I was told when I tested that because my processing speed is so high, that I tend to make firm decisions very quickly. And when I make those decisions, because I make them so firmly, I am unlikely to change my mind.

Usually, I make decisions based on a lot of research and a lot of logic. I don't just make careless decisions. I can't tell you the exact process of how I may change any of those decisions. I know it isn't going to be because someone argued with me about it.

Which is a point all in and of itself. No one is going to change their mind because you argued with them about it. Which makes things a bit more complicated than you would think at first. First of all, usually someone tells someone else off because they are trying to get someone's attention to their thinking or whatever being wrong. You see this in movies all the time, where one character finally tells off another character for whatever flaw they have. 

This doesn't work in real life, not really anyway.

The thing to consider is online communication, and new friendships.

The thing is, what's missing from online communication is tone.

People often say that people with autism don't notice or understand tone, that we have a lack of change in tone, we speak rather dryly. I don't think this is the case, not really. We might have a different way of speaking, but at least for me, I am very sensitive to tone. Just like with empathy. It's just that I don't know what to do about it.

I can hear a tone in someone's voice, or hear something in their face (yes, hear their face), they are trying to hide it, but I end up feeling VERY uncomfortable. I can just tell something isn't right. And since they aren't opening up and sharing it, I feel very awkward. I don't know what to say, do or how to act because they aren't letting me know whats wrong or how they need me to act. 

Online, there's no tone, just words.

Even if you know someone well, and especially if you don't, you will not be able to hear their tone. You will not be able to feel for whether or not they have good intentions in what they say. 

The problem is, apparently, humans are really really good at picking negative tone, and we can apply that tone to just about anything anyone says, and make it feel negative. Then we can go on and on about how hurt we are, or how we feel pushed, bossed, rejected, put down, ignored, or not heard. The list goes on and on too. We can quickly and easily put all kinds of meaning and inflection on someone's online words. Then, we think we have a reason to go on the defensive, and tell them off for "hurting our feelings" or something.

What ever happened to thinking the best of someone? What ever happened to the thinking that a friend is just that; a friend, and someone who is just looking to help you, not enter into a verbal fistfight? Why don't we assume to the good, not to the negative? 

I'm just as guilty as anyone else of making wrong assumptions. I have a very wise 6th grade teacher that had something to say about assumptions; that they make an a$$ out of you and me. Pretty clever, I guess. 

We really need to stop putting words in people's mouths. We need to stop assuming based on one line here and one line there that we know their intentions. We need to stop assuming we know their thinking, their opinions, their life, their hearts, their relationship with Jesus, their family values, or the meaning of their words, based on the little we see. It isn't fair to your friends to assume that their intentions are to hurt you. It isn't fair to YOU to make those assumptions either. There is no reason to get all upset, get your body physically worked up, and risking ruining or scarring a friendship over something you assumed about someone else or their words. 

It just isn't fair. Life's too short. Life is hard and we could use all the opportunity for friendships we can get. Especially when you have aspergers. I can't count the number of times I didn't realize what I had with a friend. Sometimes it takes years for me to realize how good a friend I have with someone. Sometimes what I think is just a causual friendship is actually something more to them, and I just didn't realize it. I wish and pray for a deep best friend, and then I realize I have one. At least, for a time. Getting upset over something isn't worth it, especially when you're assumption is faulty.

And, to be honest, we need to really watch it when we do the same to our Bible's. We need to stop assuming we know everything, first of all. There is always something new to learn. No one is all knowing except God, and He can and will keep teaching you something about His word every time you read it.
But more than that, we need to watch out that we aren't taking a line here or a line there and putting our own spin on it. We need to be sure we aren't making assumptions about things God does based on what WE think of something. 

We need to be more careful. We need to be more kind. We need to constantly pursue thoughts, feelings and interpretations of others that are higher than they deserve. Think the best of others. Think of how much they must love you to have picked you for a friend. Whether it's a friendship of decades, or days, they saw something in you that they wanted to be a friend. Even if love isn't the right word, you have to think they don't mean to hurt you. Even if they do, who wins? You do, because you are taking the high road, feeling good about yourself and your choices, and you aren't sitting around wallowing in self pity and self doubt! 

This post when in a completely different direction than I intended. I guess maybe I make two posts tonight! :P 

Thanks for listening.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Overtired Is Spoon Deficient

I didn't come up with the spoon theory, but I hope the creator pardons me using their expression.

My middle came down with hand foot and mouth this week. It is by far the worst illness I've ever experienced as a parent. Even that I've experienced as a person.

She was inconsolable. Screaming about the pain and itching. I know how she feels, I've been there with my hives, awake at night, desperate for sleep, and unable to because of the burning, itching, and pain. Feeling that way is bad enough but watching her suffer it is heartwrenching.

She is better tonight, though she is not to bed yet. She took a 3 or 4 hour nap today, I'm not even sure, but it seemed like forever, especially since her little brother also took a nap about the same length. He   has a slight fever and is fussy tonight too. I'm hoping he doesn't come down with the worst of it because that's just not fair for someone that little.

But the point of my post today is more about my reaction. I definitely don't handle illness well at night. I'm okay during the day, but if you are going to critically reduce my sleep or interrupt it with overwhelming screaming squealing and screeching, apparently it becomes obvious that I have no spoons left over for midnight patience.

Like, I have a hard time figuring out and making sense of whatever is happening. More recently, since my third baby, my brain functioning is so bad that I waffle almost every single decision. I just can't decide things. We've been in to urgent care quite often for my middle since my 3rd was born because I just can't decide if it's a big deal or not. Then I second guess myself when we're there because it takes so long, makes a nightmare of a night, and sometimes I've even felt as if we were just being a pest to the medical professionals on call. (Which I will maintain is NOT my fault or problem.)

I just go back to that spoon theory. I mean, I literally don't have a plethora of extra energy, patience or focus for each day, and I am empty of spoons by bedtime. Then throw an illness in there and you know you don't have something pretty and helpful happening.

Last night I finally gave in. In effort to try and protect the baby from getting sick, I had been separating myself from my middle. She was pretty sad about it, and finally I just gave up. My husband couldn't take it anymore and it was getting really frustrating and bad. We did get some sleep finally after I gave in, but it wasn't perfect, and still meant I didn't get more than 2 hours sleep that first bad night. Last night was much better, but I stayed away with the apprehension that she would just wake me up by screaming anyway, so why go to sleep. When I finally was having to call it quits so I could sleep, I actually got her into bed without her waking up (after failing twice before that), and woke my husband to switch kids with me.

That worked probably the best of anything. It's one thing if I plan on staying up for things, it's quite another to be awakened to screaming. That is the hardest. I lose spoons just hearing her scream. She is quite dramatic that way I would guess, so it can be very hard to feel sorry for her when shes piercing my eardrums with her screeching. I think I normally do very well dealing with that part during the day, but at night it's not tolerable.

Anyway, I think it's probably normal to feel this way, I think that it makes you stronger and maybe eventually sometime in the next 18 years I will be able to function better at night and not lose my mind over the interruptions to sleep and stuff. You know, just in time for the youngest to graduate and be ready to leave home.

It's true that you can only give so much. I might have trouble with my day, and run out of spoons on the regular, but I still try to stretch myself every day, and it is indeed all worth it. How God does that - makes something that's normally so difficult actually feel worth it, but He does. It's interesting, and you have to then wrap your mind around the fact that your perfect Father God is much stronger, able, and loving than any of us could ever be to even our own children. #Intense

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Overwhelmed Again

Those days where nothing seems to get done, where everyone seems to want a share of you, when everything seems too hard to do, when there's so much to do and you can't even start doing it, much less finish ....
It drives me crazy to be interrupted over and over and over...
I have to recollect my thoughts, figure out where I was, start over again....

I had one of those nights the other night.

It was completely overwhelming.

Little B has been sick. After almost two weeks of this I've figured out (on my own) what it is. She gets cold sore breakouts. REALLY BAD ones. This time she also developed a massive one on her thumb, herpetic whitlow.

Apparently it can commonly be mistaken as hand/foot/mouth, and that appears to be the case with her doctor telling us multiple times, every time we've been in since they started. Thinking back, they started when she was eating solid foods, which she didn't eat much of until after 12-14 months old. (Her tongue tie prevented her from being able to eat much because she gagged on everything. she was still gagging on bananas at a year old. Don't get me started on the medical profession missing that mess...)

We thought they were a reaction to tomato, like her brother used to have. Anywhere ketchup would touch his skin, he would break out. It did go away but he still prefers not to have tomato if he can help it.

Either way, she was so little when this started. And I know she would get some on her fingers as well, which probably only reaffirmed the diagnosis of hand/foot/mouth. I KNEW all along that was not the answer. They really didn't seem to think past h/f/m, so I doubted myself, and didn't know what to do about the fact that she repeatedly got it, over and over, and no one else in the house did. I mean, isn't h/f/m highly contagious? Wouldn't someone else have come down with something at some point over the past two years besides her?

So, sadly this seems to be how it works every time. She gets sick, and throws up for around 24 hours. This last time it was only twice, and she hadn't really had much to eat so it wasn't a lot of throwing up. Sometimes its been really bad, we've had her in worrying about dehydration and she finally comes around. Then the sores break out. It's at least 2 weeks of sores coming, healing, and vanishing. Sometimes it seemed like she was getting them over and over, one right on top of the other. Right now her lips are looking good finally, and her thumb popped (it was quite full of liquid and very swollen, so it either popped or she bit it...). She seems to be getting a new sore up her thumb a little bit, but I hope that we can keep that one under control under the bandaid that is protecting her thumb because it broke open. I'm really hoping she didn't bite it open because that probably means we have another round of mouth sores coming on. Yes, her whole mouth gets sores in it too, which means she won't eat much either. This time I got wise and got her soup, yogurt, pudding, cottage cheese, soft foods, even ice cream for shakes. I think the shakes are probably great because they're cold too.

Anyway. I had to find this out on my own. I had to google several different times slightly different description and read a post from an ER employee on thinking it was MRSA before I came up with this herpetic whitlow. WHY? I wonder. It is so frustrating to me.

I mean, if you have a patient that has been in multiple times because of this same issue, no other members of the family have come down with it, and its only ever one finger really, and it's a repetitive one right on top of the other..... Wouldn't you start looking at other options? Wouldn't you start questioning your own thinking? I know I would! After all, I DID, after two years of being told it was one thing, I'm finally convinced that it is something else, and it is at least related to what I originally thought it was - cold sores.

Cold sores are so weird. My mom and sister get them. My dad and I do not. (I can't remember about my brother). My husband gets them. Big B does not. Little B does. Jury is still out on Baby J. I'm hoping he is immune because one little with these painful things is enough. I don't know if I could handle round two, especially on a 7 month old! That would be too much. But when he is over a year, starts solids more, and we start to see....? I don't know.

I know about the antivirals for them. My mom takes one kind, my hubby takes another. I don't know if they can give that to kids so young. I should google that since I get more answers from google than the doctor. I really should move to another doctor, we've been really considering it, moving to the clinic closer to home. 

Anyway.

So I've been completely overwhelmed with that, then trying to do other things...

And the washer flooded the laundry room. We had to buy a new set. It was literally busted, the drum had cracked. Not really a fix for that. HA! Glad it was Labor Day sales, we got quite a good deal on a really nice new set, computery and lights and sounds and yay! :) I'm really happy with the size, its like 1.9 cu ft bigger than the one we had before, so that's great, and NO agitator.

SO there's that.

And the not working. This whole owning a truck thing isn't as quick, easy and painless as you would think.

I'm just....

One domino away from everything falling down.

Or one melatonin. Little B took like 2/3 a bottle tonight. Thank God for poison control (literally), they say there should be no harm or worries. I don't know how she is still awake, its been more than a half hour too... I'm so tired of being overwhelmed by her obsession with putting things in her mouth, playing in my bathroom in general, stuff like that. It's like dealing with a dementia patient. :(

So, I was (am) overwhelmed and completely exhausted and who wouldn't fall asleep? The two littles. Go figure. Man it took me a long time to get them to sleep, and then me getting to sleep. :(

It is the worst feeling. At least now in this part of my life I can recognize overwhelm. But dealing with it? Not so good at that. I get angry, short tempered, yelly, the whole list. No patience at all.

Anyone else? WHAT to do? HOW to deal?