Thursday, July 13, 2017

I Am SOOOOO Done With Anxiety

I don't know why. I don't know what. All I know is that for several months now I have been hit hard with some awful, terrible, no good, very bad, overwhelming, life altering, drop dead anxiety, and no matter what I do so far, I can't kick it.

I could take a walk (or two) every day.
I could eat better (but I do eat rather okay mostly I think).
I could pray and read the Bible more.
I could listen to better music.
I could watch less TV.
I could use screens less.
I could exercise.

But you know what? I really can't. It's almost as if you know the cure is just a foot away, and you can't take one step to get there. You're paralyzed. 

All the info out there telling people what they should do, how they can cure, recover, heal, whatever. All of it means nothing when you literally feel so overwhelmed you just want to sit on the couch all day watching movies (or letting the kids watch movies) and play nonsense on your phone.

We haven't had insurance either, so I haven't been able to just go see my doctor. Applying for insurance while self employed is no easy thing. They have these nice little "assistants" to help you apply, but when I went to see her, she wouldn't even look at what I had, I had to have calculated some perfect and pretty little number for her before I came. And that's the PROBLEM - I don't know how. I had to have some serious back and forth with our accountant to figure it out and I still honestly do not know if its going to be okay. I submitted it, finally, after two months since having it restarted (not counting the 6 months of not knowing what to do, figuring we could use our tax return, finding out we had to cancel the kids in order to reapply for all of us, finding out we couldn't use last years tax return at all...). That is finally not hanging over my head anymore.

But they will come back and ask for proofs, I'm sure. Then I'll have to send them our handwritten documentation (because that's just how we are doing it at this point) and they will probably not have a clue what they are doing and will make it a huge mess. So, I may have submitted the forms, but I still can't see my doctor because it isn't finalized yet. B lost his insurance too so they won't even send his lady until thats sorted out too. I figured they would just wait for reapplying and back pay, but I guess not. So that's a major bummer as well.

Then it rains this dreary, cold rain for like 2 days and I feel so terrible!

Its just over a week until we leave on our big trip.

It makes me wonder if this big trip is what's causing me so much anxiety! I mean, it is a bit daunting, thinking of traveling so far (for the first time as a family), into the mountains a bit (which can be both scary roads and height sickness - tho I hope the little mountains will be ok), with three kids, one of which is a suspicious toddler.. but I thought I was excited about it! I have it all "under control" - I have started my list writing so I don't forget anything I think I need, but I still feel stressed out about getting it all packed. You can't really pack your clothes and not wear clothes all week. 

And hubby ends up not working, after only 3 days of good hauling again, because they have to move to a new job now. Seriously, I'm not prepared for that. We are still learning what it is like, what it is going to look like, working for ourselves. The money is better but there are other responsibilities too, plus waiting around if its "too wet to work", which is what it's been like pretty much all spring.

I just have so many fears, and as a Christian we are told that we are not to fear, that we are to give them to God.
Why do I find that so much easier said than done?
Why do I just pray and pray in my mind and in the night that God would just take this all from me, that I would be able to wake and live in peace like I had been before this all started, only to find it constantly crippling me?

I've been working on my perfectionism - listening to a great podcast about it. I'm learning quite a lot, and I feel like I can let go of some of that perfectionism, and especially since having #3, I have come a long way.

But I think the devil knows that I'm trying to break free, and so in response he is trying to drag me down even deeper into his horrible, depressive pit.

I think it seems to work around my cycle too, proving that it's probably related to my hormones again. They could suppliment my hormones, but if they do that my milk would dry up, and I feel like if there is one thing I'm doing well in my life, one thing that's going well, one thing that's making me feel like I'm succeeding at something, anything. 

I just want to be past this portion of life. I want to be over it. I guess no, I don't want to go back to the more superficial life, but I want to not get so overwhelmed. I want to be less tired all the time. I want to feel like going outside and doing things. I want to be happier, and healthier. I want to be able to have the strength, motivation and energy to do the things that will make me happier and healthier.

I don't know. I just know that I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I'm trapped about how to get out of it. Right now, as I said, insurance is keeping me from seeing my doctor and getting physically (and hormonally) checked out. So now I feel tied down to someone else's ability to act on things so I can act on my end. :( 

I'll get through this, I always do. God always brings me healing after depressive episodes. In the meantime though, I'm left to suffer through it minute by minute some days.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Tired and Overwhelmed = Mean

I've taken a little self reflection and it didn't take much to realize that I have a problem: when I get tired and overwhelmed, I lose any and all amounts of patience and I get "mean".

I don't want to do this, so how do I figure this out?

This is a super short post, but it's just something I'm throwing this out there...

Monday, May 22, 2017

Secondary Disturbance

So, I recently heard about this thing called 'secondary disturbance', and it was something I had never considered. How many times, I wonder, have I been anxious about being anxious?

When I was in school, I would regularly get a sick and icky feeling quite often, but even more often when it was winter, or dark and cloudy, or something sad/bad/frustrating was going on. It was a feeling as if the world was all in grey. My stomach would just ache and feel horrible, and all kinds of other random things.

On the rare occassion that I would feel okay, I wonder how many times I psyched myself into being sick again just by worrying about whether or not I was going to feel sick again. 

Anyone else have a similar experience?

I think I'm doing it to myself lately, since I have frequently not been feeling well. I think I may have been a bit anemic, and switching up a vitamin I seem to be feeling mostly better. But I am still occassionally having a stomachache that I think fits this description of 'secondary disturbance' better. I may just be worried that I might feel sick again, and feeling sick makes me feel panicky that something else is wrong, and I'm literally making myself sick worrying about feeling sick and worrying that being sick means something is seriously wrong with me!

Anyway, short post today, but I had to get that off my chest.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Friends & Family and the Confusion Therein

A song came on my spotify today that took me back a few years to when I would listen to a radio show of an acquaintance from college. They was working a radio show at my first year college radio station and the song I requested was "too pop 40" for the station, but they thought I would like that song, and I did. I liked many of the songs from that artist, and several others I became connected with because of that suggestion. He's a really hysterical guy, one of the people I figured were too cool for me almost the entire year, so I kept my distance because I wasn't possibly good enough. I barely got to know people before it was over. But I digress....

And somewhere along the line, that friend disappeared from my fb. My assumptions was they blocked me, and that it were that it was a liberal/conservative sort of thing. I'm getting better at not being rude about beliefs because so many people are so touchy about things. I don't remember having a specific conversation with them where we disagreed, or where I was specifically rude TO them, they just blocked me with no indication as to why.

Again just recently another acquaintance seems to have blocked me, again I can only assume that things I was sharing in jest of something must have pushed them over the edge? It bothers me because, again, there was no conversation, no arguement, just ... gone.

Why oh WHY do people do that? I mean, don't you know there is ANOTHER option, UNFOLLOWING someone? Why is BLOCKING someone the action of choice? Why is it that drastic? Some little thing that I post is that horrible that you just silently run from it by BLOCKING me altogether?

What on earth?! What did I do to you, directly, to make you do that anyway? Did you ever think of asking me, saying something, having a discussion?

It really shouldn't matter, should it. Really, if that is all it takes to want them out of my life completely, they weren't really friends anyway, right?

I'm not the kind of person who forgets people though. There's still a DJ I was friends with once that I wish I could at least hear what he's doing now. Again, it's for the best. But I still wonder, because I care about people. If you're in my life, it's because I WANT you there, not because I'm just adding someone to add them. I want the people I connect with to connect with me. Sadly that's rarely the case, I guess.

I also give people chances. I'm MUCH better at this than I ever used to be, but even years ago I was always too naive to ever think that anyone was doing or saying something specifically to be mean to me. I was the one who was making excuses for them. I still do that. "Maybe they are _____". or "Maybe they arent returning my messages because they haven't been on" or whatever. I try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, because if I were to "take a break" from connection, I wouldn't want people to think it was because I was purposely ignoring them.
But then, why does it go on, and on, and on, and weeks go by, and no response? Why does it go beyond my ability to make excuses for someone, until I can have almost no doubt they are ignoring me for a reason. WORSE, they have no conceivable reason to do so. Again and again I'm having to wonder, what did I ever do to you?

I've had family members (who to be honest we don't see very often) both completely ignore me even if I sat down right next to them and talked to them, AND when we see them they act all family to my face, but in normal circumstances they completely don't care one bit about me. My sister is apparently fine, and worth talking to, but me? I'm apparently a horrible person who they don't have time for. Again and again, what did I ever do to you?

I'm smart enough to realize that the problem isn't me, because I haven't done anything deserving to be treated that way. This is their problem. They are missing out by being bitter and mean and shutting people out. But I would still like to sit here and make excuses for their behaviors, justify it or explain it somehow, at least for myself. I want to try to believe anything except that they are actually that rude, mean and hurtful. But as time ticks by, either I get impatient, or they actually are that rude.

I keep trying to figure out why this happens to me. I keep trying, as I said, to justify their behavior toward me as something having nothing to do with me.

Every time I'm just as mystified as the last time. It doesn't make any sense, we didn't have any argument, or anything. Just, they were gone. I don't get that. I really don't. 

It's life, I guess. Will never have the explanations for it. It will drive me crazy until the day I die and probably longer.

In the end, I don't understand it because I am an honest person. And when I'm your friend, I'm really a friend. I'll support your stuff and share your talents and try to connect you with people I know you would like or something. I'm true blue. And I think that it's a real rejection when people drop me like trash, because I don't know how I could have gone wrong. I still have a lot to learn, but dropping me like trash won't teach me anything. At least fill me in so I can be more aware. I am still just a person and aspergers might make me less aware than I aught to be. Just tell me. Don't tell me and block me, tell me and let me figure out what you're saying. Have a conversation you pansy! Don't be afraid to tell me what's the matter and help me understand it and let me explain things. Because OFTEN I have been misjudged and misunderstood. Sometimes I say or do things and it comes across completely wrong. That's a weakness I have, but I can't learn anything from just being dropped. You have to get a backbone and tell me sometimes. It would be at least respectful to the fact that I let you in my life at all.

So. That.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

We Survived The Twin Cities!

I'm most definitely an introvert.
I'm also a country girl. I'm so glad that the one time we thought about moving to a city, we weren't able to. I am seriously grateful. At the time it was disappointing but really I didn't have a lot of disappointment about it because deep down, I know I wouldn't be happy there. But seriously, I'm so grateful to still be living our simple, quiet, peaceful country life!

This past weekend, we spent three nights - THREE - in the Twin Cities. W.O.W.
I've been down there before, and actually was alone and had to do my own driving, so it's not that bad. I go to the MACHE conference for homeschooling. This was my 4th year, though 2 of those were only in Duluth. You are allowed to take babies under 18 months so baby came with me when I was there on Friday. It wasn't so bad, but the carrying of bags is always a problem for me! But still, I thought he wouldn't be too bad in a class or two. NOPE. That was not going to happen. I tried one for about 5 minutes. They record the classes or it might not be so big a deal. Though, apparently, they haven't discovered the beauty in high technology. See, my husband has a headset that he can use to make phone calls, and he can literally be using a chainsaw and I won't hear it. So why can't these people/places figure out how to get a sound system/mic system that doesn't pick up baby noises in the BACK of the room? I mean, it's not like I'm the kind of person who always sits in the front row or something! 

Anyway. So I will have to be ordering recordings of the seminars I wanted to hear because they were GOOD ones. "What do I do with a Resistant Learner", "What about THAT Child" and especially "Attention Obsessive Compulsive Perfectionist Control Freaks". :P 

Anyway, Friday evening we had to get to the MOA because the Sea Life had a homeschool week special rate! SUPER low. So we went. And we survived! We also had long promised our son a trip to the Lego store to pick bricks from the wall. Bonnie even got her own cup full with pink and purple legos! She was pretty happy about that! And they got their own hand made minifigure. We made it to the MOA, and out, and didn't have too much trouble - except the afraid of heights husband who was freaking out the whole time especially at diner when we had to eat on the third floor, right above the Lego store. I got chipotle! Yay! 

Saturday we had some time before the one seminar I really wanted to go to, so we went to Como Zoo! That zoo is always fun and they had Earth Day things there too so we got some free seeds and stuff too! I always end up feeling bad for the giraffes who have such a small enclosure, especially when they are inside all winter! I hope someday they change that and allow them to have more room!

Then we tried to go to the conference again. I really only wanted to go to one seminar (the Obsessive Compulsive one), so Hubby was going to just somehow man all three kids somewhere - probably the car. HAHA.
We get down in that area, and there's thousands of people, and a bunch of loud music and stuff. Some hockey event. No parking. Nowhere to even drop me off, and hubby didn't want to do it anyway. So we gave up, we were all hungry, it was lunch time anyway. So we headed out, found the nearest Perkins and had lunch, then headed to Apple Valley where we had gotten another (better) hotel for the last night of the weekend. 

That was a really good day/night. We just relaxed in the hotel, took a walk and then went to Panera Bread for dinner - someplace we'd never been. WOW is that place amazing. Went to the pool and relaxed. Well, that evening littlest baby fell into the sink counter thing and chipped his front tooth! :( Poor baby. it didnt look too bad, so it's not like I tried calling around at 9 pm for someone to check him out (though now trying to find someplace to check him out I kinda wish I had had the energy to find someone on emergency basis or something). It has to be filed down so I'm hoping I'm going to find someplace to look at it and file it down since its a bit of a scratch when he nurses.

Anyway, next day, we have a normal morning and check out, planning on heading to the MOA again because we also got special homeschool rate tickets to the Crayola Adventure! It was 9:30, and the mall apparently doesn't open until 11. So, since it was literally right there, we made a last minute stop at the MN Zoo! Left there right after lunch, and went to the MOA. Crayola was wild, although I could have sworn somewhere it said "make your own crayon" when they really mean "make your own label for a crayon we already have". But the kids had a lot of fun doing all of that stuff there, and we got three tins of markers and crayons of our choice (coolest part was you can indeed fit one of every color they had there into the smallest tin). 

We had dinner (Yay for discovering Panera Bread, although I sure could have used another stop at Chipotle) and got out of there around 6 or something. We go out to the car, and we knew when we left the car that the planes were going right over the parking garage, so we looked and sure enough you can see right up the runway from there, so we took some time there and watched planes take off. It's like a bus station, one every 2 minutes or something! Like a well oiled machine, planes coming in from the left, and taking off right toward us, crossing paths, so it seems, but never with any trouble whatsoever. It was kinda cool! With just a few potty stops we got home around 11. 

Now recovery mode! I'm completely worn out. My head hurts. Muscles are sore from constant baby carrying and walking! Crazy how that happens, and I guess I must be getting old and lazy because I don't remember that happening so badly before, though I've never spent three days carrying babies either. That, and pillows in hotels are never good it seems like! I must remember to bring my own pillow from now on. 

But we survived the MOA! TWICE! We have literally never gone, I don't think. (I've been when I was a kid a few times. Camp Snoopy was better.) And this weekend we went TWICE. That's crazy! Got all unpacked (I think) and supposed to start back at the school work this afternoon. whew. Lots of emails to sort, and phone call to make (waiting to hear back from a place to see little baby chipped tooth). Checkbook work to do.

And I hope that we don't have to go anywhere for a month. Except the tooth filing I hope to have done for the baby, the MNsure application meeting we have tomorrow... blegh.

Now, we have to pray like crazy that we did not run into any germs, because I do NOT want to deal with sicknesses.

One more thing!
As we were going home, we opened the windows and hubby noticed at some point it felt like it was getting a bit cooler, and sure enough it was - it had dropped some 20 degrees! See, in the Twin Cities, it had been in the 70s all weekend. We knew that it had snowed a bit at home, but we didn't really realize that when we got north of White Bear Lake, it would be so cold! Here's a map or 2:



Seriously wild! There are even a couple of rogue temperatures in there, I can assure you at no point was that one spot in the 60s. Which means that other spot was for sure not in the 70s either. I even have my doubts over that one 40 degree mark up there too.
This post is taking me 2 days to write, so I'll update one little thing: we went to the person to help us with our MNsure and the kids and adults in our case are screwed up. The adults are closed because we didn't send in the renewal. The kids are open, they are through MA instead of MNcare, so I have to call MNcare, see if we can renew, and if not, I have to call the county to cancel the kids before we can reapply. What a mess they have made of this system! That is absolutely rediculous. :( 

But anyway. We are mostly recovered, though it has been quite a battle trying to get some school work done again. Fighting it, and today we had to leave for that meeting, so its extra bad. I hope we get back on track tomorrow. We are already behind this week.

Just keep swimming...