Thinking Back To College

It was discovered today that one of the years I was in college they had something I didn't remember them having: a gun room.

It doesn't bother me, I'm not anti gun, and actually it is cool that they have that. People up here are outdoors people, and that includes hunting. I can't remember there EVER being any issues with anyone shooting anyone at that school, or any other school up here for that matter. 

But what I realized most is that there were probably lots of things that were there, happening, or whatever, that I don't remember. I know this not just because of the gun room, but because there are pictures of me being places that I have no memory of being doing things I have no memory of doing. 

I do have a lot of memories, but there are other things that are completely gone. Strange.

I think I know what happens tho. 

I think that when you are under new circumstances that are stressful, or overwhelming, your tired brain has to choose what it's going to remember or focus on. I could have walked right into that gun room and not remembered it because it was not relevant information to me. I didn't have a gun, so I had no reason to know where the room was, much less use it. 

Does that make sense? Really, if my brain was overloaded, I had no ability whatsoever to learn anything new, take in anything new, or pay attention to details that had nothing to do with me.

Things aren't much different today. I have three kids, so if it doesn't have much to do with keeping three children alive, I probably wont remember it without prodding. I have to put anything I need to remember into my "brain" - aka phone calendar - in case something unexpected happens and I forget what day it is or that I had something to do. 

I do not have the processing ability to remember anything that isnt urgent or right before me. :P 

Such is life with an overwhelmed brain I guess.

That all being said, I still remember details of things better than most people. I remember things people said and how they said it and I swear sometimes they don't even remember.
But sometimes, there's just no ability.

Checking In, Anxiety Lessened

I just hopped over to my blog to post it somewhere, and I was reminded that the last post I was talking about the horrible anxiety.

THANKFULLY, the anxiety has lessened. I don't know when or how, exactly, but it did seem to go down a bit when I did two things:
1. Gave myself a rule that I wasn't going to look at one certain thing that was giving my anxiety.

2. Signed up for not one, but two, different counseling things.

I've already had a couple of sessions with the one - it's over the phone. This lady is fabulous. I've already discovered a couple of things about myself that I didn't realize, so I'm making progress. Maybe this time we can actually figure out solutions (or replacements) for my worrisome anxieties and help me to get better, not just to get to ground level and just wait around for the next depression to drown me. 

I like that a lot. I still worry, right now. I still wonder. I had a quick doctor's appt, which basically did nothing to help since she didn't actually do any testing. But I have a complete physical the end of the month, so maybe I will feel better then.

But I have work to do. I don't like work. But it's something I'll have to do because I want to be better, not keep falling down all the time.

So that's just a quick catch up.

Word to the wise: Don't try to go it alone. Don't try to tell yourself, like I have, that you will feel better and it's ok. Get help. Don't live like this. You don't deserve to feel this way. You don't have to feel this way for a day longer. Just get help. Don't worry about the money, you're losing money dealing with this depression, or anxiety, or whatever. Just get help.