Thursday, May 26, 2016

Holes In My Memory

I am the kind of person who remembers everything. I wouldn't say I have a very good short term memory at the moment, because keeping three kids alive is taking up much space these days. But typically I can remember really random events that come up sometimes and I can recall things you may not have remembered saying or doing. And I'm not going to make things up, I really remember things clearly, and I'm not going to lie and say otherwise.

But more and more I've discovered that there are giant holes in my memory. There are entire events that I don't even remember at all. And strangely enough, many of those memories that I'm realizing I don't have stored in the database are memories of Girl Scout events. 

I have been wondering for a long time now why so many of these events aren't in my memory anymore. I mean, there are pictures of them, so clearly they happened. But why don't I remember them?

I remember one big sleepover at Camp Austen. I remember one day camp we did where I was in charge of the little kids and all of a sudden my grandpa showed up saying he was told to come get me, and another girl was all of a sudden in charge of the little ones. I remember several mall sleepovers, maybe mostly because they were right on or around my birthday; in fact my 16th birthday was celebrated in a mall overnight with like 300 other girls, by FAR the biggest birthday party I ever had (don't crush my story, I need this one - without the mall sleepover I wouldn't have even had a party). 

But there are giant things we supposedly did that I have no clue. My mom and I were kinda mentioning one the other day that was apparently in the boundary waters somewhere - not far out because it wasn't a "trip canoeing" or something, but some kind of other stay somewhere maybe by ely, from what I'm gathering. While I remember making lavender "sachets" (which I literally still had and still smelled the same/just fine up until a year or two ago), I don't remember much else. We supposedly did facials, which I don't quite remember. I remember a room all painted in white, but I don't remember what we did in there or where it was or how to get there or anything else. I don't remember what we ate (I probably didn't like it) or what else we did. I don't remember if it was an overnight stay or just a day. I really have no clue. I guess based on the pictures I might have thought it was a part of Camp Austen. 

I also remember one other event at the bog walk, but only because there was a cute boy involved.

I don't remember so many things. I feel like there was more, a lot more. I know we did more than one day camp, but I couldn't tell you where or what. I know we had meetings, and I would guess at least once a month, and you would think that I could remember something I had to have done like 60 months at least...

Girl Scouts isn't the only thing I have huge memory holes about, senior year there are a lot of things I completely don't remember. From what I'm told, 2001 was the last huge year of mass army worm invasion. You would think I would be able to remember massive amounts of army worms on every surface of everything everywhere, and slimy roads and stinky worms. You would think that would be something a girl couldn't forget. But I did. I don't remember them at all. I give myself the excuse that the emotions of graduating and leaving were pretty intense and my brain was preoccupied with all that too much to think about and register worms and leafless trees. You would think that driving to Togo, instead of to a friend's grad party, would have made the army worm invasion pretty obvious, right? Musta been listening to some pretty awesome music to be distracted enough to miss that, right? 

 I know there are times in life, too, when I don't really care about something so I will literally not pay attention to it. Like the above story, I probably did "know" where my friend lived, I'm sure he had told me, or something, but I didn't plan on ever having to go there, especially not on my own, so I didn't "care" or something and I didn't pay attention all those years and just missed that information totally. 

I also can remember three houses where my uncle used to live, but I can't remember houses where another aunt had lived. 

So, yeah, I don't know why there are some really intense memory lapses, almost like a chapter was ripped out of the book of my life. Like, where is my baby blanket? You would think I would be able to remember something as important to me as that, right? But somewhere in all the business of getting married, it's gone. Despite having my doll, no problem, right where I thought they both were.

Nothing drives me crazier than losing something. Nothing drives me crazier than forgetting something either, which is kinda the same thing. 

Any other aspies have the same problems? 

Friday, May 13, 2016

Overwhelm and Eyesight

Mr B has been complaining of eyesight problems occassionally. I think in the past, I haven't taken him seriously because it came at a time where I asked him to do something and he said he "couldn't" because _____, which to any parent sounds like a convenient excuse.

But today it came when we were doing something together. Something that he offered to do, and wanted to do. He had spent several minutes talking to me on and on about something, and I was thinking how great it was that we were talking and not fighting, and not ignoring each other, and how much he was enjoying himself doing something rather mundane with me, and keeping me a captive audience while we did it. How we should do that thing more often just for the chat. 

Then he got more quiet and said his eyes were blurry. Blurry? Are you serious? Yes, he was. And I took him more serious because it came out of nowhere, he didn't want to stop doing what we were doing, and his behavior had changed.

I didn't know what to say or do. The only thing I could think of was that we had gone to town this morning, it was rather busy there, and maybe, just maybe, his brain had gone into overload mode or something. I told him maybe he needed to go to his room for a while.

He had made complaints about blurriness before, and we've been to the eye doctor, and nothing is wrong. They said he was slightly whatever-sighted (I can never remember which is which), but that the glasses they have OTC in the store would be fine for when he is reading if it helps.

But randomly going blurry? 

For some reason, when Mr B is sick, or out of sorts, I feel out of sorts too. I'm not sure that has happened much with Ms B yet. But it is intensely upsetting when Mr B is not doing well. It is almost like something about him being so much like me in so many ways bonds my brain in such a way that it makes me sick when he is sick, or it makes me scared when he is scared. I thought that with more kids and getting more relaxed that it would go away, but it doesn't. Even the slightest thing, like my assumption of him being overwhelmed, causes me to feel the same, in a fake but intense way. I don't know how to describe it. It is very frustrating because then I am acting out of my uneasy feelings toward his. I am definitely better at this than I used to be, but it still upsets me to feel icky, especially when he is. I just feel so uneasy.

I don't know the solution to this. I don't really know what is up. I hope it's nothing, that it's just the overwhelm or something and we can continue to remind him to remove himself and just close doors and shades and give himself a break. It isn't always going to be convenient to do so, but I'm hoping that takes care of it. He seemed to be find the rest of the night, spent most of it watching movies I guess while hubby and I went to dinner (his gpa watched them here at home).

Anyway. Anyone have any experience with this kind of reaction? I don't remember being a kid and having this happen?