Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Autistic Regression

Recently, I've been having a hard time. I may have said that here before. One particularly difficult evening I was talking to/unloading on a trustworthy friend, and this link came into my facebook feed.

And once again in my journey, I was blown away.

This describes exactly what has been happening to me. Spot on. 

I'm not even waking up rested and ready for another day because I am working too far above my capabilities every moment of every day. No amount of alone time has worked to relieve my complete overwhelmed state. My bucket is sitting under a firehose on full blast, and it's constantly overflowing. I don't have any air. I'm drowning.

There are just so many things in the air right now. I'm stressed and overwhelmed and a surprise pregnancy of course has put this all over the top. 

It's not like a plate of pancakes, where you add one and it's just one too many. A surprise pregnancy is like a MILLION things too many, all at once. 

I know, "intellectually", that God will give me the strength when I need it, and I don't need it right now. There's also no way to know if I have it until I need to use it, and of course, there's no way I can test that until it's time. 

Unexpected things always throw me for a loop, and I hear that is not uncommon with autism. It can and does cause considerable stress, anxiety and frustration. We have to regroup, redirect ourselves, reorient our lives. Depending on the thing, of course, that could mean taking a 5 minute break and breath and just go for it (like an interruption or change at work). This? This is no 5 minute break thing. 

I'm 12 weeks along. Almost 13. Thats 7-8 weeks to "get used to it". And it hasn't happened yet. I don't know when it will, but I'm hoping it will be sometime before February. 

I feel pretty confident that the counseling program I'm going to be doing will help. I was really relieved when they came here for 'intake', that they know what I'm talking about, and what it's like specifically to be going through things with autism. See, you might think I act or look so "normal", but I'm completely and totally autistic. Just because I can pretend for some short period of time in front of you doesn't mean that I'm normal. I still have all the same struggles that a child with autism has, I've just had 32 years of practice to hide, ignore, avoid, and otherwise try to avoid losing it. I can manage it for a period of time. But it's still there, using up spoons, right under the surface.

Anyway, I'd like to write a post about counseling, and I will eventually. But for now, I just wanted to share this link because it's insanely accurate and exactly what I needed. I have felt a little relieved since I read it, at least it's ok, normal, and I'm not losing my mind, or sinking in depression. This is just normal, for me. This is just something I deal with now and then, on and off, throughout my whole life. I'm going to have tough times, and I'm going to "lose skills" during those times. I'm going to lose my ability to deal with things, and this is just what it is. It sucks. It's super hard. It's really annoying. It's really .... just... I don't know. You just have no idea what people with autism go through unless you're autistic. (Which is the major factor in why Autism Speaks SUCKS.)

Anyway, let me know what you think of this link!

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