Saturday, July 25, 2015

Comments on a Blog Post: Autistic Regression and Fluid Adaptation - Musings of an Aspie

I've been having a hard time lately. I've been really tired, and not feeling well, all the fun things that happen when you get pregnant.

But it's been more than that. I've felt kinda paralyzed. Got ahold of the therapy place where we got tested, and even expressed my concern with the distance and money and stress of driving two hours one way to get to them, and they have an in home program! I start this week. B starts next week I believe. This is perfect, and a blessing, and I can't believe they will pay someone to drive for 4 hours just to see us. It's amazing and a miracle, and I can only thank God for a program like that.

That being said, it can't come fast enough. I've really been struggling and today I felt pretty down. I'm glad it was Sabbath because that meant some peace and quiet maybe. Something came up so I was pretty bummed to begin with, sadly.
But I stayed home and watched a sermon from 4 years ago. And I fully believe that good sermons are timeless, and this was one of those sermons. I'm sure 4 years ago I could have gotten something as big out of it as I got out of it today. And I could see how it could fit into the lives of several other people I know, I will be passing it on.

But tonight I was having a meltdown of sorts and kinda "word vomiting" on a patient, Godly friend that I felt safe to "word vomit" on. THEN, THIS LINK came into my fb feed. 

Talk about a revelation!

I guess I would probably never have thought to describe anything I have been feeling in this way. I would have never thought that there was such a thing, I guess. I was just under the assumption that the surprise of an unplanned pregnancy was just putting me into a new level of depression and anxiety (remember, those are "accessories" to my autism), and that therapy would probably be recommending some drugs, which I hate because they make me feel worse. Drugs are just too much for me, and probably are for most autistic people. 

But THIS?! This has kinda rocked my world tonight. This is precisely what it feels like in my brain. This idea plugged right into my brain and said "BINGO". 

Right now, I'm understandably under a lot of stress, anxiety, AND all the fun symptoms that normally go along with pregnancy like sickness, exhaustion, out of breath, whatever. And any woman who has been pregnant can attest to the fact that pregnancy steals enough of your brain to begin with, but put all that other stuff on top of my ASPIE brain, and you have definitely got too many air conditioners working overtime right now, and its time for a blackout. 

I KNEW I was better than this. I KNEW that I used to be able to handle things better. I've just lost that ability right now. It feels good, I guess, to think that it's not permanent, and I'm readjusting like everyone does, and that I will likely find some kind of handle on things. I'm really bad at asking for help, (not that I have many real capable people to ask to help me in the first place) so I think maybe I need to improve on that somehow. There are other things that I know play into this, that I know I NEED to change too. But to know that my list of things is a bit shorter is a relief. I feel lighter. And tired.

"When this happens, an issue that was previously “fixed” can suddenly appear to be “broken” again."

So I can "fix" it again, but probably in new ways. And yes, it might get "broken" again. 

I just hope these therapy people have some kind of understanding of this when they come. But if they don't, I'm keeping this blog post handy to use to give them some info. Because this makes a difference to me. I'm sure it can make a difference to someone else too. 

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