Sunday, August 16, 2015

Completely Overwhelmed, Regression and Exhaustion

I wonder if I'm the only one who deals with this. I'm going to say that I probably am not. I don't know how much out there is written about this particular subject either. I know it was new to me when I read this article recently.

I love the way that article lays it out and describes it using a power grid as an example. 

What I would like to mention is what it feels like, to me, right now, dealing with this particular situation.

I feel frustrated. I know I'm capable of dealing with dirty dishes/house, laundry, or a sick kid, or going to a part time job. I know I can do these things because I have done them in the past. So there is a lot of guilt and self shaming because I should be able to still handle this stuff, shouldn't I? So I blame myself for not being able to handle it, or for disappointing people when I cant function or when I'm not able to do something I said I would do, or whatever. And I feel like I'm letting down my husband and my kids because then they have to start filling in doing things I would normally have handled. Or, maybe they don't get played with as much during that time because I just don't have the energy or ability to handle doing anything except basic living functions, making sure I and they are fed and clean and protected and whatnot.

The hardest part of living daily in this autistic regressive state is that if ONE little thing happens on top of it, its like the straw that breaks the camels back. The "world" falls down because I just can't carry any more than I already am carrying. So, all the kids need to stay healthy and not get hurt or sick. The money still has to come in in just the right amount so the bills get paid. I can't burn the food. Sometimes, I can't even comprehend going to work or town. Or even outside.

Every time life throws you a curveball, you might readjust and regroup and be fine. For me, though, I have to totally rewire my brain or something. Instead of the speed of DSL internet upgrading from Windows 7 to 8, I have dial up doing the job. It takes longer, and in the meantime, nothing else will operate either. Get it? 

Anyway, I just get tired of "one more thing" happening every time I think I'm getting a break. And I'm tired of things overwhelming me so much. And I'm tired of feeling guilty that I can't be counted on because if one little thing happens, my brain is toast. There's nothing I can do to change any of this, but I still feel terrible for failing myself and others. 

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